Reddit reviews Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love

"Needy" isn't a negative thing at least according to contemporary attachment theory. People having a strong desire for intimacy and closeness with a partner is not a negative thing, though in the US we tend to label it as "dependent", "clingy", or "needy." I would much rather end up with an anxious or a secure person than an avoidant type. Avoidants feel that intimacy threatens their independence. Yeah, thanks but no thanks.

So, normally I’d say that if this is a one-time screw up with the scheduling, to cut her some slack - and to TRUST her if/when she says things are okay between you two. Easier said than done sometimes, I know.

That said, it seems like you’d benefit from reading up on attachment styles. You seem to have an anxious style, whereas your partner seems avoidant - this can create a really stressful disconnect that is important to recognize and work on.

Here’s the thing about when “things seem off.” Sometimes, those of us with anxious attachment are not great at recognizing when there is a real problem or an imagined one. Sometimes, things can seem off and it has nothing to do with you or your relationship status. I don’t know what else your partner said about what was “off,” but I know that that conversation would freak me out, even if it turned out there was nothing wrong. What’s important to know is that people with anxious attachment, when activated by a stressor such as “things seeming off” or an upcoming relationship talk, tend to want MORE closeness, more reassurance, more contact, etc. People with avoidant styles, on the other hand, tend to want less contact, more space and distance, etc. And the more the anxious partner pushes for more closeness, the farther the avoidant partner retreats.

Attached is a great book on relationship attachment styles: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

Ultimately, yes, I think it sucks that your partner bailed when you needed her. But reading your post and comments makes me wonder if your own relationship anxiety is a) manufacturing problems out of nowhere, or b) making a small/moderately sized problems larger - and if perhaps you overreacted initially and wound up “needing” her for reasons she just couldn’t understand.

I think it’s important to remember that there is nothing wrong with an anxious or avoidant attachment style. They just are what they are. It’s not wrong to need reassurance in a stressful moment. You just need to figure out what your needs truly are and determine if this partner can offer you those things. The right partner can and will.

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i have come to believe that much of our conduct in dating and in relationships is beyond rational/intentional decision-making; we are quite frequently unaware of our own preferences/desires, and so our desires do not follow a normal goal-oriented model.

I'm going to recommend two books I read recently:

• Attached, which is an explanation of adult attachment theory. This one I saw mentioned in another sub.
  
• Passion and Reason, which is a discussion of "emotional reason" or "emotional logic". My therapist suggested I read about this topic.
  
  Together with recent events, these two books have taught me a lot about myself.

In a significant majority of situations I’ve seen since I began studying infidelity after dday, BS and WS perceive and react to the world around them in different ways.

It gets down to adult attachment theory, the way we react when we feel threatened in abandoned in our primary love relationship. Read “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment” for more.

Attached

Basically (and I am speaking in very broad terms), WS tend to withdraw from conflict while BS tend to confront it.

While many WS do have significant emotional barriers that they need to address in order to understand why they did it, its not necessarily that they are emotionally immature (although many certainly are), it’s more that their past taught them how to deal with the world differently.

I’m not sure if any of this resonates for you, because there are absolutely cases where none of this applies. If it does though, I encourage you to read “attached” and “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson to get a better understanding.

Cheers,

Yay! Here's a link. I think you'll love it.

Attached

Just reading the title, I think you should read the book called

Attached by Amir Levine:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

You can download a pdf somewhere. It's about our styles of attachment and how we trigger each other when our basic needs and styles conflict. Maybe it'll give you some insight.

Anxious-avoidant attachment. The anxious person (me) opens up a little too easily and tends to rush into things.. especially with the avoidants. We like avoidants because they don't open up as easily and seem more self assured and confident (something we inherently lack). So opening them up is an adventure for us. Eventually the clingyness wears on the avoidant and causes issues.

Apparently there's "secure" people who have no problem opening up and committing but don't over-do it like the anxious people. Anxious and avoidants can avoid relationship issues and become more secure by dating a secure person. The problem is that secure people are rarely single.

That's the gist but this book is really fascinating on the topic. Completely changed how I approach dating.

Okay, read this book. It’s a bit science heavy, but literally changed my life on attachment behaviors and helped me recognize when I’m falling into them.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep-Love: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_HHWBDbTR78S7C

Neediness comes from "insecurity", a psychology technical term from attachment theory. I'm confident this book will help you. It's a classic in the field, easy to get at a library or on Amazon.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Levine and Heller

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https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-Find-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1543506185&sr=8-3&keywords=attached+the+new+science+of+adult+attachment

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read this book:

Attached

This book really helped me understand myself. I mean there's more to the topic but this is a great place to start. Youtube the book, people are constantly talking about it.

To add to this, there's a wonderful book about attachment:

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine et al.

ISBN-10: 1585429139

ISBN-13: 978-1585429134

Paperback

Kindle

This book helped me a TON on understanding them. I finally understood the dynamics of my marriage and why things changed.

Here is a Wikipedia article on it, and here is a test you can take to see which type you fall under.

This article is also helpful.

it's this one: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU . who knows if this is the answer, but about 25% of the population have an anxious attachment style while about 25% are avoidant, so the chances of this being the case aren't that low though.

EDIT: good for him that he has a bro who cares, my BFF has gone through me through all the shit in my life, I love him more than a brother.

If you haven't already, you should check out adult attachment theory. It sounds like you might have had experiences which lead you toward an avoidant attachment style. I'm one myself, and the good news is that such styles are malleable.

There's a great short read on the subject called Attached that helped a lot, but there's a ton of great websites on that as well.

These books

Parenting from the inside out https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HZ1E5BM/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

as well as:

Attached https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_1_ha?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1496770776&sr=1-1&keywords=attached

were both recommended books by my T.

The latter is more focused on you yourself where as the first one is focused on how you can understand your own attachment as well as how to parent with a more secure attachment

Your situation it's more common than you think, good thing is that you have identified the problem. I read a book called Attached and I can't recommend it enough, there's a chapter where it talks about effective communication plus some advises. It will help you in your future relationships and maybe to understand why it didn't work with your ex. Remember it takes two to make a relationship work.

There's a book about attachment disorders that's pretty good.

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-Find-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU

Despite being complete opposite styles, anxious-preoccupied/avoidant-dismissive is actually one of the most common pairings when it comes to insecure attachment. You'll find that much of the literature speaks about these relationships discouragingly (anxious-preoccupied individuals are often advised to steer clear of avoidant individuals), but please don't let that get to you- it is certainly possible to move towards a functional relationship so long as both partners are interested in making an effort.

Most everything I've read on the topic is an academic book/article and would be difficult to understand, but I scoured the internet for anything that looked promising and found a few articles I find to be both accurate and suited to real-world application.

I love this short piece on understanding avoidant-dismissive attachment style, especially the suggestions for how to work towards becoming less avoidant in relationships.

This does a pretty good job of explaining anxious-preoccupied attachment (sometimes referred to as anxious-ambivalent attachment).

This article on making the anxious/avoidant relationship work has some good stuff if you also follow the links to the pages about communication and healthy relationships cited at the end of the article.

Although I have not read it myself, Attached comes highly recommended and I recognize one of the authors (Levine) as a researcher in the field.

Let me say that if your goal here is to address potential relationship issues with your girlfriend, I really suggest that you both read up on each other's attachment style- understanding each other's needs is just as important as understanding your own.

Please feel free to message me if you have further questions after reading. I'm by no means a substitute for speaking with a professional, but I do have other suggestions/helpful resources at my dispense depending on the nature of any specific problems you may be looking to address. Best of luck!

I don't think you messed up. I just think you two are not compatible. Don't be so hard on yourself. You'll find someone who wants to communicate clearly and spend just as much time with you as you want to with them.

Have you read the book called Attached?

http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU

Sounds like you have something of an anxious attachment style. I read this book a few years ago and it helped me understand this phenomenon and handle my own anxiety better.


https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-Find-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=attached&qid=1558895740&s=gateway&sr=8-3

Mark Manson wrote an article about Attachment Theory. There are many more detailed, more clinical descriptions if you Google it, but his is easy to digest if you're new to the concept: https://markmanson.net/attachment-theory

Editing to add: https://kylebenson.net/attachment-theory

Also the book u/Dr-doctor- spoke about and I also recommend after reading can be found here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

Both of you read this:

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-Find-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_1?crid=39VSRHBFV82NW&keywords=attached&qid=1568201474&s=digital-text&sprefix=attached%2Cdigital-text%2C219&sr=1-1

Read “Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment.” It addresses exactly what you experience. Practically in your exact words. I’m listening to the audiobook right now.

Amazon linkypoo: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1525026130&sr=8-1&keywords=attached+the+new+science+of+adult+attachment

you might be considered anxiously attached. I highly recommend the following book, which you can likely find for free on a torrent side:

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU

Source: PhD, Psychology

Honestly, I'm not sure about this particular test. The one in this book is much better. https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-Find-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=attached+the+new+science+of+adult+attachment&qid=1564753943&s=gateway&sprefix=attached&sr=8-1