Reddit reviews Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love
We found 151 Reddit comments about Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Attached The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find And Keep Love
I have an anxious attachment style too, and initially I thought it was a bad thing. What I like about this theory is how non-judgmental it all is. Your needs are your needs. I NEED more security and validation from partners, so I NEED to look for someone who is capable of giving me that. Secures can do that, while avoidants cannot.
If this interests you at all, I HIGHLY recommend the book “Attached”
I'd recommend you take a look at adult attachment theory. I read this and it drastically changed my views on relationship needs, jealousy included.
Basically, you'll find that jealousy is a "panic mode" reaction (there are plenty of others) that can be quelled if you are pro-active with your partner. It's easiest to pre-empt the feeling by realizing you're feeling insecure, and addressing that with your partner ahead of time, before the jealousy sinks in.
Even once it's set in, you're effectively just looking for safety. Just ask for a hug, kiss, reassurance, whatever from your partner, and that intimacy will likely help to "reset" you to your normal state. Your partner will hopefully be communicative and open enough to help you there.
The important part is to address it calmly, and lovingly, instead of putting blame on your partner and yelling at them. Tell your partner you are upset, and need some love/reassurance. I'd be willing to bet once you both have some kind of intimate moment, you'll go right back to being fine.
tl dr; Jealousy isn't a bad thing in itself; it's a reaction to your relationship needs going unfulfilled in some manner, which can be calmed by good communication and reassurance between your partner and you.
I can absolutely 100% relate. My pattern was always hot and heavy for 1-2months max, and then they’d have some sort of epiphany that they actually weren’t as into me as they thought they were. I never understood it until I learned about attachment theory... and damn, did that explain a LOT. If you’re interested, this book made a huge difference for me.
Attached is a pretty good read, and comes from a credible source - it's also geared towards the anxious types (since they're more likely to read it).
\> I know they say you have to be okay on your own before you can be in a healthy relationship- but it seems like a tall order if you have no support. Just wondering if anyone else can relate.
I used to believe that you have to be okay on your own, but now I disagree with statement. Based off of my personal experience and information knowledge of trauma and attachment, I've revised my belief: Even if we don't need one (1) human to be our other half, we need the right social circle and the access to the right resources to have a solid foundation in order to have the skills, motivation, and support make progress toward their goals, feel secure, and be happy.
While I'm not a professional psychologist, what's working for me is trying to be vulnerable but being careful about who I do it with. There needs to be some thought about who I share it with, like what am I trying to do by sharing it with *this* specific person. Am I feeling some inner pain that I believe this person can ease? Am I sharing an experience that I think they will understand? If they don't understand, am I sharing this because I still trust them and I want to bond with them?
I believe healthy relationships is a balance of *relying* (as opposed to needing) on the *appropriate* people depending on the situation (as opposed to relying on the same person for every situation). Sometimes we will take risks and be let down. Over time by doing so, you refine your radar to know who is the best person for a feeling, situation, or experience.
Wishing the best in your healing.
Talk to him face to face about how you feel. Be specific about when you feel angry or hurt. If he doesn't take you seriously, move on to someone who respects the kind of relationship cues you need to thrive. You should feel secure and safe in your relationship, not angry and abandoned. He may not need as much reassurance or attention, and doesn't understand where you are coming from. Talk about it! Share your needs with him.
I also recommend the book "Attached." It's a quick read and very enlightening.
There's a great book that addresses this. It's called Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love. It strongly urges people to date others who have a similar level of desire for and comfort with closeness, and goes into the biological drivers for why closeness feels so life-and-death important. Failing that, it gives practical tips for how to make your relationship less anxiety-provoking if your partner is avoiding closeness. Per the book, if your partner is prone to avoiding closeness, that tendency isn't likely to change. The communication tips these trolls are sharing here are gold. I'm trying my hand for the first time at a relationship with someone who also enjoys a lot of closeness and it is the bees knees. Near zero relationship anxiety for 4 months.
23 M fresh out of college, did something very similar and am in a similar situation, except I’ve decided that getting her back isn’t my goal. At this point I have too much respect for her and myself to go down the selfish path of trying to get her back. I’d start exploring the idea of getting better for you and you alone and a better woman will come along one day, or not, and that’s what I’m learning to be okay with.
I’d HIGHLY recommend this book it is a very easy read(grammatically speaking) that hits very very hard. This is an amazing way to baseline where you’re at and figure out what needs to be worked on, chances are there’s plenty stuff you’re unaware of.
On top of that, some standard ways to jolt your body to support your mental progress: exercise, eat clean, meditate, sleep more, drink less, etc. if you’re not doing this any mental progress you attempt to make will be much more difficult. There’s some amazing correlations behind changing your bodily habits and the positive changes in thoughts and emotions.
Don’t go crazy, though. Lift for an hour 3-4 times a week, do some free YouTube yoga on your rest days, and get good sleep. If your job allows it, start implementing a sleep schedule to help manage your time. All these little things have a way of building up and impeding the progress we really care about, make the effort to “automate” a lot of those fundamental processes and you’ll put yourself in the best position to effectively make emotional and mental progress through meditation or whatever other therapy you seek out.
Good luck, feel free to PM me about more stuff I’m in a similar boat as you
Edit: also this book is another essential for being emotionally mature. Understanding Attachment Theory will make your dating life much more manageable
I read Attached and started following the advice. Basically as an anxious attacher I needed to date a lot before I made a judgment about getting into a relationship with someone. Often I'd get into relationships with women who would "love bomb" me only to end up being cold and distant, even cruel. I dated several Borderlines because of this.
Anyway, I dated and dated. Several women at a time (I'm meaning only for a few weeks, never more because of either of our reservations). I met a really nice med student. Pretty wholesome to women I had dated. But I wasn't sure. She said I had to make up my mind soon. So with that in mind I dropped acid. The realization I had on my return was that I needed to stop fucking around, man up, and ask this girl to be my girlfriend. I had a sense as well that I would be asking this one to be my wife.
I'm still in the processing of sorting myself, just finished self-authoring and now implementing my plans. But I'm definitely saving for a ring and going to ask her to marry me. And she knows it.
> and THEN when he starts touching me, it actually feels repulsive.
HUGE. Red. Flag.
These types of issues at only 3 months into the relationship, I'd move on to someone more compatible.
You're not LL, you're just LL for him.
You're not sexually attracted to him, and the Pursuer-Distancer pattern you have going on between you is killing off any remaining desire you have for him.
You're just not compatible sexually.
You both deserve to be with someone who is HL for you.
Edit: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love can help you avoid an anxious-preoccupied partner in the future
I sure do! This book is a great resource and goes into quite a bit of detail about attachment science and how it can affect adult relationships. If I recall correctly, it also includes self-assessments (I read it a few years ago).
On a related note, I wholeheartedly and emphatically cannot recommend this book enough to anyone who is, has been, or might one day like to be in a romantic relationship. John Gottman is a researcher at the University of Washington and basically the Einstein of relationship science. His algorithm can predict whether any given couple will divorce with something like 90% certainty. Don't let the title fool you -- this book dispenses extremely helpful advice for dealing with people in close interpersonal relationships regardless of whether you're married, dating, or just good friends.
You might enjoy the book Attached.
I believe the poster is referring to attachment theory, which is not gender-based but has more to do with early formative experiences.
I also "get attached easily" (anxious attachment, as it is called ).
And I'm hardly feminine and have plenty of options (and the experiences to verify it).
It actually means that you have to be MORE selective, to ensure you're not connecting with someone who is on the opposite side of the attachment equation ( someone who is "avoidant" ).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man's_Search_for_Meaning. Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning.
More recently, "Attached" by Amir Levine. https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139.
Bravo, especially keeping the dog!
I had somewhat of a breakthrough during my last therapy session. We were discussing the book Attached and I had to admit I struggle at creating and maintaining attachments with people. Facing any serious conflict, it's very easy for me to throw up my hands, leave, and end the relationship. Before I could beat myself up about this realization, she told me that MOST of the people who end up in a therapist's office have the opposite and more difficult problem of creating attachments with people that don't make them happy or fulfilled. I guess lots of people end up in bad relationships because they're seeking security and form attachments with the wrong people. Glad you made it out!
I've recommended this book about a billion times, sorry if it's getting boring.
I'm very anxious in relationships. I drove myself mad with a new guy in January and wanted to stop doing it to myself. Some internet reading led me to attachment theory in adults and eventually the book. I can't recommend it enough.
I listened to it as an audiobook first which I actually liked a lot, since my library had the audiobook for free on the phone app. Then I bought it so I could take notes, look at the charts, and take the quizzes in the book. $9 for my used Amazon copy, $13 new
It's not only about the "avoidant" people, also has good segments on people who are more "anxious" about relationships, overthinking things, caught up in small details, wanting constant communication, etc.
You should read this book if that comment was helpful to you.
Here’s a good book on the subject of adult attachment style: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=nodl_ . It’s helpful to become aware of your own style and to be able to recognize others so you can try to work with them or end the relationship. As Kenny Rogers said: You've got to know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away, And know when to run.
I can't recommend the book Attached more! Check it out.
I highly recommend this book: “Attached”:
And, remember that if you’re clingy and your partner is happy with you anyway, don’t over-worry. That’s not to say you don’t work on yourself - we all should. But also don’t let your fears ruin a good relationship.
Some people are more sensitive and anxious in relationships than other people, it's just how it is. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it's just how you are wired. There are plenty of people out there who won't be put off by it (or bring it out in you) as long as you don't cross the line into controlling. There are, however, quys who will just be a really bad match for you. A guy who's first reaction when the anxiety comes up is to pull away will increase your anxiety, which will push him further away and it will just spiral and spiral. You can even feel that you like him more than you even do - but it's just anxiety.
This isn't doom, it just means he's probably a bad match for you emotionally. I highly recommend reading a book about attachment theory like Attached, it might help you be able to identify unhealthy matches for yourself. I found it really interesting and it's helped me pick healthier people to date.
Read this book:
Most people who engage in affairs have an “avoidant” attachment type and are with someone who has a “secure” or “anxious” attachment type.
My wife is avoidant, I am anxious. She minimizes her feelings and rationalizes her choices in order to avoid having difficult conversations about her emotions.
This led her to connect emotionally with someone else when she found it easier than discussing difficult issues with me directly. This emotional connection made her more receptive to his attention than she may have been otherwise.
Understanding how she became vulnerable has helped us understand how to avoid the situation recurring in the future.
I wish you peace.
I know that self-help books are hit or miss, at best, but I’ve been going through my own relationship struggles. While reading about attachment styles & boundary creation here on Reddit, the list below are some of the books (on Amazon) that kept popping up in Reddit discussions. Haven’t read them yet, but I did order them, & they’re supposedly arriving today - I can update w/ my thoughts & feedback, if anyone is interested.
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love
Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation
Another name that I’ve seen referenced a bunch here on Reddit is Mark Manson - he has a ”Guide to Strong Boundaries,” which I’ve also included a link to below
Mark Manson is famous for this book, amongst others
*The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life**
Dunno if this may help, but I do know that learning about one’s own attachment style, love language, etc can at least be a great start to a better relationship with yourself. As for the relationship with one’s partner? Boundaries! Boundaries are crucial.
...man, do I suck at boundaries!
Basically, I wouldn't worry about being unhealthily co-dependent in a relationship you're largely happy in and where there are no issues of abuse or addiction. The concept of co-dependence has been co-opted and applied to situations where it's not terribly relevant. Unlike the bloggers of the world, I'm going to admit that I'm nowhere near qualified to dole out this kind of advice, though.
I recommend Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller for more on this topic. It's an easy read and helps you understand patterns you may have seen in yourself or your partners. Also, it seems well grounded in science. The authors continually cite psychological studies, which is more compelling than it sounds.
Attached and The Feeling Good Handbook. As she handed them to me, I just kind of thought to myself "really?" She chuckled and said to give it a try. I left her office and purchased those two books from a local bookstore around the corner from her office and they were honestly great.
There is a book I really like, called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment Theory. You might like it, your comments about your reaction to potential partners reminded me a lot of some of the stuff it talks about.
You should read the book Attached. I don't recommend the Kindle edition, it has parts it expects you to write in the book.
I'm seeing a weird pattern here
> We weren't initially super attracted to one another at first
But then you wanted sex for ... I'm thinking possession? Don't want anyone else to have him? Lock him down for some reason? Wanted him to like you? He's good on paper? He's safe and protective? He's safe to experiment your autonomy and control with? What exactly were the feelings around that moment?
And then again later after he'd been with someone else.
You don't find him attractive on his own merits, so something unhealthy is kicking in, such as mate guarding, to make you "want" him. But you don't "desire" him, or desire sex for yourself, or desire sex as a mutually pleasurable, bonding/connecting/intimate experience.
Have you read Attached
> Please help me find my sex drive again!
It'll be with someone you find sexually attractive, ouch :(
You two don't sound very compatible. It sounds like her attachment style is anxious, while yours is avoidant - a sure recipe for angst on both sides.
Not to sound like an advertisement, but, I just started reading this book called Attached... Might help you deal with some of your relationship issues as well.. Find it very interesting, got it from the library -
If you're interested in diving into attachment theory, I'd highly recommend the book Attached.
I've been discussing the book with my therapist after identifying some anxious attachment patterns in myself. I was dating someone who displayed a lot of avoidant attachment behaviors, and reading the chapter about the effect that anxious and avoidant attachment styles have on each other was so enlightening.
To answer your question, I do believe that relationship happiness is absolutely attainable, even for those of us with attachment styles that are not "secure." Like most things worth reaching for in life, it will take some work and dedication. But, really, that could be said to anyone wishing to attain a happy relationship, right?
It's a huge step that you're recognizing and facing these things. That's an important step that many people never reach. I'm a huge fan of therapy/counseling when it comes to this stuff. I don't know where I'd be without it.
I highly recommend "Deeper Dating" by Ken Page as he describes this phenomenon exactly. He calls it "the wave of distancing" and says it often happens in relationships that are actually good for us. He writes more about it in Chapter 9, 'The Saboteurs of New Love":
>"In my years as a psychotherapist, dater, friend and learning partner, I've come to believe that one phenomenon has destroyed more potentially great relationships than any other single factor. I call this phenomenon the Wave of Distancing (or simply, "The Wave") The wave occurs when you push a caring and available person away by inwardly diminishing his or her worth.
>... What does this phenomenon look like in dating? You're dating someone caring and available, and there has been at least a spark of attraction for you. And yet:
>You can't find the sense of affection and desire you once had
>You keep getting irritated at him or bored by him
>Her flaws make you quickly lose respect for her, even if you don't show it
>You start yearning for the excitement of the hunt
>You feel like a fraud, pretending you're interested when you just don't feel it any more
>... This widespread phenomenon has huge implications for our romantic lives. If we can't navigate the Wave, we'll keep going after the wrong people and passing the right ones by. Our lack of training in managing the Wave has doomed countless good relationships." (Page 171)
I highly recommend getting this book and reading the rest of this chapter for more info! Also like another commenter said, 'Attached' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is worth checking out. It's not perfect as it's a bit simplistic (it doesn't go into much detail about Fearful-Avoidant people) but still would be relevant to your experience. I found these excerpts from that book were helpful:
>"Remember, an activated attachment system is not passionate love. Next time you date someone and find yourself feeling anxious, insecure and obsessive - only to feel elated every once in a while - tell yourself that this is most likely an activated attachment system and not love! True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind. "Still waters run deep" is a good way of characterising it.
>... The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love. Don't let emotional unavailability turn you on."
Have you read Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love?
I recommend you read Attached. It focuses on a love perspective but I find it very applicable to my friendships as well.
Consider also going to a therapist and maybe a support group for people with similar issues.
Hmmm sounds like you might find the book Attached helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 It sounds like this might be kind of an avoidant behavior: maybe as you get to know someone, you start feeling uncomfortable with the closeness and start finding things to justify why you can't get any closer? Worth reading up on, talking to a therapist about if it's upsetting you. Good luck!
I've told people on this sub to do this before, but I honestly think you should take a look at this book. This is based on actual scientific research on relationships, not self-help BS, so I think it could be really helpful in this situation. This guy sounds like a pretty cookie-cutter case of someone who is avoidantly attached. This means that without serious therapy, he will shy away from intimacy and probably remain a commitment-phobe who won't meet your emotional needs. I can't tell you how to run your life, but I'd probably try to get out while you can and find someone who will actually want intimacy with you.
He's got an anxious attachment style (read about attachment theory! I think it will shine some light on your marriage). It's hard to reconcile these differences but it starts with him taking responsibility for his feelings and not putting them on you. Then, you seeing that this is part and parcel of who he is, and there are things you can do to ease his worries and get the freedom you want. This is a super accessible read if you want to dive into attachment theory and what you can do about it.
I wonder if this might be anxious attachment on your part. One of the parts of anxious attachment can be that, when you feel your partner pulling back a tiny bit, even if it's for good reason (like sleep, work, illness), you panic a bit and pull back yourself, in anticipation of rejection.
So if this sounds about right, maybe try reading the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment for insight.
I just found this subreddit today and it feels so nice to be around people who think in the same way! My counselor told me about "Attached" and I couldn't put it down when I read it. You will understand a little more about this when you read it, but I realized I'm an anxious type and I had a pattern of dating avoidants, which was a terrible time. My bf now is secure and everything is so much more stable and he's able to reassure my insecurities, though it seemed less exciting at first. Here's a link to the book: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
If anyone's interested in learning more about attachment styles, this book had a big impact on the way I approach relationships and I kind of think everyone could benefit from reading it
Read the book "Attached" by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_t46YBbDXF9AKV
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_v2KJDbC7S3HCT
I was about to post the same comment, but instead I'll just post a link to it on Amazon.
> In talking about these things I have made comments that have not pleased her, and she says she feels smothered and controlled.
This, like /u/cobalt_bella said, is text-book avoidant. You are both growing closer and closer but at some point, there comes a time when things become too close and a withdrawal/distancing starts. This commonly plays out with avoidants finding faults in their partner and magnifying them such that they focus on that instead of the good things they like about their partner. These faults are a way to put a damper on their relationship so that feeling of vulnerability and dependence lessens.
Also, five months seems about what I've personally experienced in my struggles with avoidance.
Become a honey badger. Being a nice guy sucks, being a good man is fucking awesome. Be clear about your intentions, make sure you groom well, that you have the type of life you want, all of that.
Read and internalize these books:
There's a book on adult attachment you may find interesting.
Edit: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love
>i feel so alone sometimes
are you sure you're not depressed?
>i have felt uncomfortable with the awkward (to me any way) silences.
You also sound a bit anxious. How about you try to take everything he says and does at face value? Do some introspection and figure out whether you want something from him that he doesn't give you. Once you figure out what you want from him, tell him. He's not a mind reader and can't anticipate your needs, as much as he would want to.
If you're into reading, try to get this one too: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love. I found it in my local library.
I've been through lots of relationships and no I do not wonder why I wasn't enough... I have a pretty good idea of why each and every one ended.
Incompatible lifestyles is pretty common.
Love is real though. It's science. You don't necessarily need a lot of self control. The desire to be loyal to the on you love can be pretty overpowering.
I recommend reading this book to learn more about adult attachment theory and how it impacts our relationships. It's an insightful, basic introduction to adult attachment theory that explains, at least in part, how and why we choose our partners. It's rooted in science - something a lot of INTJs can appreciate.
Best of luck to you.
Not a dude, but thought I'd pop in with a suggestion. Look up attachment theory - a good layman book is Attachment Amazon link
This taught me SO much about why I do certain things in relationships.
It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style. I do too and my therapist recommended the book Attached which helped me understand myself and my emotional needs. One of the biggest eye openers for me was that it's fairly common (about 25% of the population) and nothing to be ashamed about.
Anxiously attached psychologist here
Please read Attached if you haven’t already
Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A.
We rely on science to tell us everything from what to eat to when and how long to exercise, but what about relationships? Is there a scientific explanation for why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle? According to psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, the answer is a resounding "yes."
In Attached, Levine and Heller reveal how an understanding of adult attachment-the most advanced relationship science in existence today-can help us find and sustain love. Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:
Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back
Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.
In this book Levine and Heller guide readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love.
Don't worry, your behavior is pretty common, measured to be around 25% of the population. (Depends on the age bracket.)
There's a bunch of books on the subject with "attachment" in the title. The basic idea is that people are wired to perceive different sensations as "love". For example, you seem to associate the feelings you experience being ignored or unwanted with romantic love. Interacting with men who meet all of your emotional needs then seem boring by comparison, because those relationships lack the triggers you associate with being in love.
A good therapist can help you figure this out, or you can start by just reading and see if you recognize your own behavior in the avoidant archetype. That isn't to say you have to start going out with men who are clingy, but rather learn to recognize and appreciate men who have mature and healthy communication styles.
Here's a couple of good links to get you started:
The only way to gain experience is to do it. The only way to get more comfortable is to do it. My advice is: don’t fuck it up, or fuck it up, but definitely do one of those so you can start learning.
Books I recommend:
Anything John Gottman
5 love languages
If you don’t want to read all those books, atleast look up summaries of the work. Also Mark Manson’s blog is really fucking good.
Sounds like you are bumping up against some (potentially) unresolved trauma (grief and loss), and how it has potentially affected your "adult attachment style." Your reactions to breakups are not unnatural, although they may be (as you indicate) more extreme or long lasting than you'd like. You are asking good questions, and the fact that you are looking for a more healthy alternative to your current patterns of behavior/relationships is a good indicator you are moving toward health... You could look for a therapist who can administer the Adult Attachment Interview with you. The AAI is legit: but stay away from foofy therapists. If you ask what their preferred treatment modality would be in working with you, and they say something like "it's all about your journey," just peace out. Finding a good therapist is like finding a pair of comfy shoes, sometimes you gotta try a few.
You can also check out this book, Attached. It describes attachment and neurobiology, and how it impacts your relationships. I haven't read the whole thing yet, but it seems pretty good so far.
(on mobile, sorry if things are scrambled /spelling)
Something that really helped me realize a bad cycle of relationships was a book called Attached.
It's about the different adult attachment styles. I bet you, your coworker you didn't feel the spark with is the secure type. You're maybe the anxious type or avoidant. Your ex absolutely is avoidant by the sounds of it.
One of the things I remember in that book was often the spark as you know it isn't there because the mess of a potential relationship between the avoidant and anxious type that you're used too that you think of as a spark isn't there. Whem reading through your description of you and your ex and you mentioning no spark with your new interest I immediately thought of the attachment styles.
I might not have remembered it the best but this reminds me of your relationship. I might suggest taking a look into it further to see if it helps clear your thoughts on how unhealthy this all sounds.
It's incredibly cruel of him to play these games, especially with your daughter. I hope you find the strength to cut him out of your live.
Wiki link with a bit more info about the attachment types: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults
The book I mentioned : https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139
This is a common pattern. Might be some answers for you here:
I found this book extremely helpful when looking at attachment and how it impacts relationships. https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
It also sound like you guys need to get on the same page about relationship expectations and really be honest with yourselves about whether your partner and relationship are meeting your needs.
And definitely look for some way to get connected to therapy in the future! Through school, EAP through an employer, sliding scale at a clinic that has interns, health insurance. It can be SO helpful in working through issues that come up, recognizing unhealthy patterns, and regaining a sense of control in your life and relationships!
Sounds like anxious attachment. I have this as well. Here’s a link to an excellent book that might help you understand yourself better and hopefully learn how to form secure attachment style: https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139
"Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back"
Apparently I should buy that book. Thank you internet stranger!
I think it may be helpful for a lot of people who are dating to look into the attachment theory. I have been reading a book called Attached and I have learned bit from it thus far. Just a little mention that others may find of interest.
Exactly. I don't think you're being manipulative at all. It's reasonable to want to protect yourself emotionally. I do too, and I think most humans do.
If you ever want to talk more, feel free to PM me. It's nice to know that there are others like me too!
> What is your strategy to deal with those feelings?
I don't quite have an answer to this yet, because I'm still trying to develop a strategy. I tried OLD for a few months after moving on from the breakup of an LTR, but after meeting someone I was excited about and having it not work out, I've decided to take a break and focus on myself. I'm currently not dating, either on- or offline. I've been going to therapy to sort through some things (e.g. the seeming disconnect between society's expectations about dating and how I'm wired as a person, and some personal traumas from the past). I try to learn from the posts I find here as well. It's what brought me to yours!
I've seen people recommend the book Attached, both on reddit and elsewhere. It's about adult attachment styles. I haven't read it yet, but I plan to check it out. Maybe you'd find it helpful too!
Edit: Added first couple of sentences
Edit 2: Added link
I recently read a book called Attached. It was so helpful and understanding my attachment style and how to navigate it. I hope this helps.
not OP but comment is related to attachment styles - this book is a good place to start: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 But you can also just google "attachment styles" or "attachment theory" for the basics :)
If you're interested, Attached is the name of the book I read and it's an excellent resource for navigating not only your relationship, but also yourself in the relationship. I had plenty of habits I could easily identify as avoidant (seeing the same girl two days in a row was unappealing for me) but also a few that I was surprised to learn don't apply to everyone ("I'm in a minority of people that put their exes on a pedestal six months after the relationship ends? Not everyone does that???"), and just identifying my Avoidant traits was beneficial to my relationship health. It's a lot easier to talk yourself out of breaking up when you realize your anxiety is a you problem, not a them problem.
Good luck out there, brother!
You're 20 and presumably cute as fuck. Enjoy yourself. Do not be with someone that makes you feel like shit, nervous, anxious, etc... Be with someone that makes you feel secure and happy. Do yourself a favor and read this book: https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=attached&qid=1567194117&s=gateway&sr=8-2. I wish I had read it when I was your age.
And if you ever want to message me just to chat feel free. I'm more than happy to help you out. Too many people trick themselves into thinking that they should stay with someone that makes them unhappy. They start coming up with excuses and then before you know it you've wasted 5 years. Then you have other people telling you dating is harder than it isn't. It's hard don't get me wrong but it's not impossible.
Right now you're focus should be on trying to figure out the kind of person you can see yourself staying with long term. That means experiencing a wide variety of people. Sure casual encounters aren't for everyone so if that isn't for you don't force yourself to do something you don't enjoy but you can still experience a wide range of people without needing to fuck a bunch.
I had the EXACT same experience (except I'm male). This book really helped me to change my thinking about how I act in relationships. It's not about changing who you are, it's about changing how you and your partner act and react to the other's attachment style. It's made my relationships much healthier.
I second u/LesGHOW advice for counseling. But I also found the books:
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love
Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship helpful too
Everyone has their own attachment style that dominates how they approach romantic relationships. It sounds like you're "anxiously attached" - you crave closeness, but fear you'll lose it, and any sign of trouble in a relationship feels like a disaster. Each partner feels like your last chance at happiness.
It's much better to be "securely" attached - happy with closeness and intimacy, but not fearful of solitude. However, even if you can't change from anxiously attached to securely attached, you can learn how to navigate your natural tendency to worry.
In fact, being anxiously attached isn't all bad - anxiously attached people have been shown to be better judges of other people's emotions - IF they can learn to step back and not rush into their first fearful assessment. They also make loving, devoted partners - IF they learn how to feel secure in their current relationship.
Here's a book that explains these ideas in much more detail than I can. Get the book. Read it. It will help you recognise what you're doing and why, and how to avoid common traps that anxiously attached people fall into.
It contains specific advice for anxiously attached people (and others) at every stage of a relationship, such as:
Get the book, and read it. You can finish it in a couple of hours, and you'll learn a lot about what makes you - and other people - tick.
Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 . It'll help you in life in general.
It sounds like you might form "anxious" attachments to people. I do too! I hate it, but it's not something you can just turn off, otherwise neither of us would put ourselves through all the unhappiness that comes with it. However, I can offer you some resources for learning more about attachment theory.
One of my favorite bloggers, Dr. Emily Nagoski, has written a bit about attachment. Here's a good starting point on her blog: http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/06/21/attachment-styles-a-primer/
Also, because I feel my anxious attachment style is holding me back, I just started reading this book (not an affiliate link). I picked it up from my city's library, and it's really interesting so far. I can't vouch for its ability to help me or others who don't form secure attachments, but it's been recommended to me by multiple people.
The full title is Attached: the new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find - and keep - love
These are the resources that helped me:
After Psychotherapy -- Blog run by a psychotherapist. I particularly like his theory that the source of all mental illness is hiding shame. Find your shame and accept it. I haven't found an instance that debunks this theory.
Why do I do that? -- Book written by the same author as the blog above. Again, his insights are very helpful. I really enjoyed this book to help me understand other people so I wouldn't get angry at them. My issue is abandonment, so when someone does something to trigger it I A) know it's just a trigger, and B) know it has nothing to do with me personally because of whatever issue that person has. I haven't read any of his other books, but I would guess they would be helpful, too.
Attached -- Details of attachment theory. I personally don't like attachment theory too much, but my boyfriend thought this book was wonderful and that it helped him understand things better. My psychiatrist gave him this book after I brought him in for a group session. A lot of people believe in attachment theory, so I'd recommend reading it.
Jungian Psychotherapy -- I believe in jungian psychotherapy instead of CBT. How I view it, psychotherapy uncovers and heals your hidden shame, while CBT helps you to better cover it up. If you have serious problems, I just don't think CBT is going to work.
Now, the rest are more about borderline personality disorder, which I believe I have. If you have emotions that you feel just aren't regulated and keep bursting out, then you will likely benefit from looking at BPD resources.
Understanding the Borderline Mother -- This book changed my life. I got the book because of my mother, and after reading this realized I have BPD, too. I'm the hermit, based on her classification, and I'm even dating a huntsman! I had to keep putting it down as it blew my mind and made my world, my family, my past make so much more sense.
Putting the Pieces Together -- The author's account of working through recovery, what helped her along with details of BPD itself.
Books authored by Marsha M. Linehan -- She has BPD herself and is a psychiatrist, so she has intimate understanding in what the problems are and how to best fix them. She invented DBT.
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook -- DBT is a type of therapy that focuses on emotion regulation skills. I actually haven't read this book -- I started doing so well, working on my mental health got lowered in priority. But, it's well recommended and could be very helpful.
I was in therapy on and off for 14 years. It wasn't until I started doing my own research into psychology and read all of the above that I finally started making huge strides in progress. I'm now pretty stable.
The body tries to protect itself by hiding things even from you. It make take awhile to widdle down those defenses so that you can self analyse thoroughly enough. Reread things and you may find you'll find "new" stuff.
It's a lot of work, but well worth it.
Oh man I'm the exact same way. Read an interesting book about attachment styles though and it really helped me understand what might be the root of the problem, which is that growing up I didn't have a solid attachment to my parents (I mean growing up as in basically infancy). Anyways I highly recommend the book...
Attached by Amir Levine
Here’s a book you might like. It’s about attachment theory.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_bNL7Ab2JGF730
Have you read the book Attached yet? I think it might give some insight into things. I'm currently reading it, and it's been making me think a lot about my own attachment style, how that has played into previous/my current relationships.
But as others have said, it wasn't anything you did or didn't do. It wasn't a case of 'if I did x, then we would have lasted!'. I think it was more about incompatibility, as it seems he wanted to keep things at arm's length while you wanted a close relationship. And there's nothing wrong with that!
Take some time and heal. Lots of internet hugs.
>Maybe someone can explain me his logic?
Read Attached. Your "boyfriend" has an avoidant attachment type and will never be able to give you the level of intimacy you desire. Reading that book helped me understand and let go of a couple exes. Great guys who I had a great time with, but who I have accepted will never give me what I want, which is a committed relationship that I feel secure in. Blocking him is a smart idea, you just have to realize that there are much better guys out there to form relationships with and as long as you allow him in your life you won't move on.
If your wife is a reader, I highly recommend she (and you) read this book. She sounds like she's got some attachment issues and once you recognize them, they're easier to deal with.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_BOMZzbEE35GAS
Read the book Attached by Amire Levine & Rachel S.F. Heller
Focuses on what's called "Attachment theory" breaking everyone up into 1 of 3 categories Anxious, Avoidant, and Secure. There's a good chance you're an anxious and she's an avoidant and that's just a recipe for disaster
I know what you're going through. I once dated a girl for about 6 years, and we lived together for most of it. I didn't want to end the relationship, because we had been together for so long, but we were both kind of unhappy by that point. Eventually, we grew to far apart, and decided to end it. 2 years later I'm the happiest I've ever been. Something that helped me understand what happened after the fact, and I wish I had it while I was still in my relationship was a book called Attached. Now I know you probably think this looks like a stupid self-help book, but it cites several white paper published in various phycological journals. It also got a write up in scientific american: mind, which is where I originally found the book. PM me if you would like me to send you a copy, I think it might help.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_ZIRNAb6SMV16P
Looks like a good book. I love the book cover, two magnets connecting together to form a heart! Yes that title is SOOO long.
It seems that you're caught at the asking out part. The abandonment fear can persist within a relationship as well.
The asking out/anxious part goes better when you get acclimated to rejection. I know some guys practice this by deliberately seeking rejection ie asking women they think they'd enjoy going out with, but are 100% certain the answer will be no. One of my friends said it actually threw him off and upset him that a few women he asked said yes to a date, when he was seeking rejection. But really it was kind of flattering. After that he practiced with women he liked a little, and later to ones he was really interested. By practicing with getting rejection you also learn to handle it gracefully if it is someone you like.
Another thing to be aware of is the magnification issue. You're not thinking about dating and getting to know someone. You're looking for The One. That's going to put a shitload of stress on you. Get to know them first. You're going on one date, not marrying them.
Even if lust tells you that this is the person you want to spend your life with, take a step back. You really won't know if you really want to be with this person till you have known them for several months, and even then it's a crapshoot. You may have different life goals and values. One person may want a child, and the other is not ready, the child one is a big issue, especially since women do have a window of time to work with when making this decision. I see female friends under a lot of pressure to produce babies. It's not something I really get since I wasn't ever interested. But it does seem to impact their relationship decisions in a big way. You're pretty young, you've got time. Use it wisely and don't rush into things. 23 is a very different place than when you're 26, or even 30. Your outlook and decisions can change quite a bit.
One thing about the wanting Someone is that you're looking to fill a hole, that hole can't be filled by someone else. The more you heal that need for yourself the better and more stable your long term relationships will be. That wanting Someone to spend my life with has persisted within relationships for me, so I know this is not about someone completing me. My understanding is that it's about learning to fulfill my own needs. That there's (for me at least) a weird craving for connection that isn't fulfilled by connection (it's almost like a consuming of another person) tells me something else is going on. I'm not sure what that's about yet, but I notice it's not so bad when I'm fulfilled in more areas of my life. You may discover different things as you go, it's basically a journey, not an endpoint.
I'm still nervous about the asking out stage even now, but it's much easier. The hard part for me is maintaining the relationship by not reacting out of fear to every little thing (it's not easy) this is where therapy teaching you skills to learn how to handle your emotions and fears comes in.
One more thing, one of my patterns has been to date an avoidant, which can be pretty triggering because sort of opposite of what my needs are, you might want to read a bit about attachment styles (there's a self help book that's an easy read called "Attached" http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 I took it with a grain of salt, but found it helpful conceptually at least).
If you can manage a little bit of reading, this book is really really good, it helped me quite a bit.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_LDN7ybWKBBJTE
If you haven't read it, the book Attached is a great layman's guide to attachment styles in romantic relationships. It focuses extensively on the avoidant-anxious pairing and speaks in depth about the challenges faced in such a relationship. I think you will find it extremely relatable. Even if $10 sounds like a lot to spend on a book, please consider all the relief that comes with not feeling alone and understanding what's going on.
Some people come into relationships with anxious attachment styles, but I've seen many secure people turn anxious after a long enough committed relationship with an avoidant attachment style. I recommend this book often as a basic intro to looking at relationships as a phenomenon.
I heard this book is good
You should read the book "Attached": https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/
It's a fairly new book, but the psychological theory it talks about is rather old and pretty well vetted.
It should give you insight into her mindset.
The TL;DR: version is that she probably needs someone in her life to make it whole. You meet her criteria, so she gloms on quickly.
You can respond in 1 of 2 ways: Pulling away or being neutral.
Pulling away will just get her to try to attach stronger. Being neutral and relaxed will eventually get her to calm down. But don't let her push the relationship along too quickly. She'll try to drag it into fast forward if you let her.
Maybe she should also read this book.
Stay strong. This was not a healthy relationship for either of you. Remember the good times like Disney and take the lessons for the future. If you can get this book from a library I think it would help you a lot to understand why both of you have acted the way you have: https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139
Amputating your arm would hurt a lot and you would have to learn to live without it and do things a different way. This will hurt a lot and you will have to make new habits. But, you can do it for yourself and for the person you will meet in your future. All the best!
Great stuff. thanks for puting this all together. I know it took a while to get this all out on here. Keep up the good work.
We are going through a similar series here in our local group. This idea of vetting a woman can be tricky stuff.
One of the things that we teach is to learn about attachment styles. Attachment styles are crucial because some personality types can go undetected during even the longest of dating periods.
For example, a covert narcissist is skilled at hiding and obfuscating and has in fact built their whole life around covert behaviors and gas-lighting manipulative behaviors. These types of behaviors are never talked about or trained, etc.
They can ruin relationships of all types...especially marriages.
A nice intro book into Attachment Styles is Amir Levine's book:
Anyway, keep up the great work in helping guys learn how to better vet women.
You might find this book helpful-
You definitely look hot enough to date to me. And I am white, but in general I don't care about race. IDK about other people or how it is like there. It may be due to how you approach relationships. I would recommend a good book on it called Attached : https://www.amazon.co.uk/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-Help/dp/1585429139/ref=sr_1_1/260-2524764-8112836?ie=UTF8&qid=1538464459&sr=8-1&keywords=book+attached
I haven't read it yet, but Attached might help
He is a good guy for keeping up with it. That may destroy him in the end.
> This is an underlying issue to take care of yourself through therapy and possibly reading a TON of books. Like this [one] (http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1458240900&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=Attachment) and this one and one more that I cannot link for some odd reason but its more on the spiritual side but helped me IMMENSELY, well two books really, both by the same guy, Osho. One is called "Emotions: Freedom from Anger, Jealousy and Fear". The other book from Osho is called "Love, Freedom, and Aloneness: The Koan of Relationships".
They really show you the why in terms of science and great anecdotes. If you don't like to read I suggest finding them on youtube and listening to them.
This is not something that'll fix itself overnight. Talk to him and tell him that you are working on it but it'll take time if he wants to stay and deal with it. Or else all your future relationships are doomed to fail.
Believe me I used to be that way. Jealousy is natural. What you feel is okay. How you control it is everything. Good luck and I'm sending you all the good vibes my raving friend.
P.S: Raves are dope. Hopefully doing Tomorrowland in 2017.
Good_Taco - read this book.
I don't think anyone has mentioned it so far, but the book Attached was incredibly helpful to me. I would recommend reading it right away. link
One other thing. Check out this book. It’s been really helpful for me at least.
Best of luck!
Yup, I'm gonna say he's probably avoidantly attached. Check out the book Attached I found it really helpful/illuminating (https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139).
Also, with my last avoidantly attached partner I will say that - and this took me a long time to unpack - I also felt like it was hard to talk to him about concerns I had and that if I did he would push me away. I do not feel like this with my current partner. So it's important to ask yourself whether this is due to your insecurities or whether your partner makes you feel safe enough to talk about your concerns. If it's just you, then you have some work to do. If however you just don't feel safe discussing negative feelings or concerns about the relationship itself, then you definitely need to talk to your partner about how you're feeling. And honestly, bringing it up sooner will be easier in the long run.
Here you go:
The NUMBER ONE thing that helped my BPD tendencies was meditation, which I did as part of getting sober. It allowed me to find a pause between the emotion and my reaction. I still FEEL the same shit I used to - but I do not feel controlled by it any longer.
My favorite meditation teacher is Tara Brach. She posts all of her meditations online and on her podcast. Her book 'Radical Acceptance' was a life changer for me.
I also use a lot of binaural beats meditations (you can find these on Spotify or YouTube, I use the Profound Meditation Program by iAwake Technologies).
I have immensely enjoyed Sam Harris' book Waking Up which is about developing a spiritual practice without religion. He has an excellent podcast but it is expressly NOT about mental health, I just think he has a lot of great perspective to share.
Susan Elliot - Getting Past Your Breakup - this book looks like a cheesy self help book but it was awesome. Really really wonderful exercises. I also got her workbook.
Susan Anderson - Journey from Abandonment to Healing - this book was the first one I read, it was very helpful in understanding the science of what is happening in rejection and abandonment. This was useful because it allowed me to see my reactions were very, very normal.
Vicki Stark - Runaway Husbands - very specific book about men who walk out without warning. This helped me identify warning signs and feel less alone.
Lessons From The End of a Marriage - this blog is from Lisa Arends. Her story is hard to read. But this is the best divorce blog I've ever read! Such wonderful advice here.
Glennon Doyle Melton - First the Pain, then The Rising - I watched this every single day for a month. For a while, it was the only fucking thing that got me out of bed.
Overcomer podcast - hosted by a woman I met in one of the support groups, just lots of great insight on abandonment recovery.
Attached - great book on attachment theory
DBT Workbook - this is a GREAT resource on how to build distress tolerance and skills to face a lot of BPD type issues. DBT was a therapy style designed for BPD.
Edit to add: Forgot the best one!
Pema Chodron - When Things Fall Apart - Pema is a buddhist nun and I absolutely love her. She became buddhist when her husband left her. This book is incredible. So much wisdom! I always carry my Pocket Pema with me, literally Pema is THE BEST! She also has a lot of recorded talks that I find so calming to listen to.
Read the books Attached
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_Y2fyxbGYVKP4W
Looks interesting! Off to amazon.com I go...
Attached, but you can get the same/better info by googling "attachment styles".
Gave me (anxious) a lot of closure regarding my (avoidant) ex.
I'd also highly recommend the book "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachael Heller.
What you experience is also the experience of about 20% of the population. So it ain't a bad thing, but it just is what it is.
Yes, you need to identify what caused the damage at the first place -- usually it's due to poor communication and/or some kind of emotional disconnect, then you work on fixing the core issue. I suggest you look up this guy on YouTube: Craig Kenneth. He gives a lot of good advice on how to deal with relationship and break-ups.
PS. whatever you do, don't listen to that douchebag Corey Wayne.
PPS. also read the Five Love Language, and something about adult attachment theory.
So cliche to say, but it DOES get better. Some people do take longer to get over a relationship faster than other people. This book I read and still read from time to time has really helped me with my failed relationships. It was difficult to read through some parts, because accepting you do X, Y, and Z is not easy to accept. But knowledge is power!! So much research went into that book and I wish I had read it a lot sooner than I did.
As you know, there is no magical phrase to be said to make it go away. It does take effort to "move on" and to "get over it." Understanding the "why" is what may be holding you back. For me, that book explained the "why." Good luck to you and never forget, you never struggle alone. <3
This! Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_CEWrDbZBGYGCS
I'm working on a similar thing at the moment. I've found a lot of help through reading the book attached
Also, when you feel your thoughts looping, try to stop and acknowledge what is happening. Say something like, “I am preoccupied right now. Thank you brain for showing me I currently needing something I am not providing for myself.”
Then close your eyes, hand on your heart, take a couple of deep breaths, and focus on the exhales.
Once you feel slightly more centred, ask yourself what do I need most in this moment? What am I thinking I need from x person?
Once you get your answer, keep your eyes closed and hand on your heart.
I'm learning that it's best not to engage with the stories of "why" you're feeling a certain way. The WHY will always take you down a rabbit hole and further reinforce your pre-occupation or "gut" feeling. Like someone else posted before me, it doesn't matter either way if you're right or wrong.
It helps more to just feel the feeling that's coming through. Give yourself what you need in that moment. Then feel yourself release whatever feeling that came up. Trust that all will be okay, and that whatever's meant for you will never miss you. Takes some work for sure, but it's helpful when trying to move through those anxious moments :)
MBTI only accounts for parts of our behaviour. A better answer to what you're experiencing may be found in attachment theory, with different people having different needs/aversions to intimacy based on a combination of evolution and early childhood experiences.
You sound like you have an avoidant attachment style.
Guy here. First off, I'm very sorry you are in the position that you are. It can be very challenging for a partner of someone who has such a large issue within themselves. And it's heartbreaking to hear how you speak of your wife while understanding she likely doesn't realize how deeply you feel for her.
I have to wonder if she doesn't have body dysmorphia. Given the things you've described here with how she is with regards to nudity with you and what would otherwise be a relatively non-issue with her dress, it would seem plausible that may be the case with your wife. Though I'm certainly no expert, so I could be very much speaking out of my ass so don't take that as much more than a guess.
Like has been mentioned therapy for her and for the both of you seems like the right approach. Also, like has been mentioned showering her with compliments could be interpreted both as a positive and a negative. So it may be wise to avoid that approach as a full bore method forward. It's also worth noting that while some of the things she says, like the comment as you left the room after the incident with her dress, likely isn't her so much as a defensive reaction. I know this will be much easier said than done, but try to not take those kinds of things personally. Instead it may be better to think and react based on why she would say that and respond from that position. To react almost as if you didn't hear the words she said, but the feeling she expressed such as shame and fear. But no matter what, communication is so critical particularly in difficult situations like this. Just remember to communicate how YOU feel and how what she did made YOU feel. When you own your feelings and you express them she won't react and respond from a position of defense. Given how she's been as you described, that sounds like a very dark place for things to go to.
I may be butchering writing out my thinking, but I'm hopeful that all makes sense. I read a book which I think could be helpful for you called Attached. It's about attachment types both for you and for your partner, as well as what behaviors can be exhibited and what causes them. The best way I can describe it is in conjunction with Love Languages. Love Languages give you the X and Y on who you are, what you like and dislike. Attached, at least for me, gave me the Z or depth to that. So not just who I am or what I like and dislike, but the why behind it. Why I reacted certain ways to certain situations. For me it was transformative. Suddenly the last 15 years of my love life made sense. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1585429139/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1
Regardless, I hope that your wife and in turn your marriage is able to find a healthier place of existing and that you can both become more connected and trusting of each other as the recent moments that have been a challenge for you both begin to be further and further behind you.
I don't think what you wrote is cringey. There's a lot of ignorance about "neediness" and what security looks like in a relationship. The point is that your needs are legitimate, but you need to find someone who can meet those needs. Please read this: https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/1585429139/
You might want to read up on Attachment Theory, a good book is Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment. Just based on your short post here, seem like you might have the "dismissive–avoidant" attachment style. While you say "Sex just isnt a part of my life, and that's by choice" and "I have no plans to begin a relationship for a very long time", you're also clearly thinking about it and wondering about it enough to be posting this thread here. If it really was so irrelevant, you'd be a lot less likely to think about it so much as to care about it one way or the other and take the initiative to post. (Yes, I'm aware of the logical possibility that you just noticed that your behavior was statistically atypical and went looking for an explanation... but I doubt that's the whole explanation. :))
I used to suck at dating and interpersonal relationships in general, I'm still not the best at it but whatever. What helped me out a bunch was reading some books.
How to win friends and influence people
What every body is saying
It can be subjective. Every person has their own standards for how fast or slow they want their potential partner to progress the relationship. They key is learning to read your partner. But a general rule of thumb is to take it slow and not seem too eager, that can turn people off.
For me a good example of coming on too strong is when someone starts talking about falling in love, marriage, or trying to be exclusive right after they met you. Most people will see that as a red flag.
I do have some books I could recommend. A couple I can’t remember the names of off hand but I’ll try to find them and I’ll respond with another comment. The one book I do remember off hand is called “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love”. It’s probably one of the best books on the subject. After I read it it completely changed how I approached dating and relationships. Here’s a link to it on Amazon:
If you're anxious about a relationship, that means you care about it.
I've been reading Attached lately, very helpful for figuring out why I do the things I do
I think it is an evolved response. According to attached, this is just an activated attachment system.
On Human Nature
[Pair-Bonding, Romantic Love, and Evolution](http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1745691614561683
Handbook to Attachment Theory
The Fantasy Bond
I’ve found this book to be a good, supportive resource: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=nodl_
> So, ghosted pretty much after 4+ years. Emotionally unavailable people do that.
Damn friend, you deserve so much better than that. I know it's so cliche but a good partner wouldn't ghost you over such a small thing, regardless of underlying issues. If you're not familiar with adult attachment styles I'd strongly suggest you look into them, in particular the Avoidant-Dismissive type. It's very eye opening. There's also a book called Attached that helps you choose better partners and improve your self-worth through learning, and it's science backed!
P.S. I'm also at 9 weeks and counting :)
This book has helped me a lot with understanding these same issues in my own relationships.
I am a straight female, so maybe my thoughts here are irrelevant, I don't know - but you basically described exactly the relationship I had with a boyfriend before I met my husband. I told him I needed to hear from him every day and he told me he could only text me once every 3-4 days. I don't have a happy ending to my story for you though because it didn't last..but I did meet my husband shortly afterwards and realized what a perfect partner he was for me for many reasons including he actually wanted to talk to me!
I'd highly recommend this book. It changed the way I approach communication in relationships - Attached: the new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love.
I’m guessing a good place to start is with attachment styles. I used to feel/be similar to you, and learning about how I attach to others helped me create healthy relationships and deal with the childhood abuse. Here’s a book to consider. Hugs... you are definitely not worthless.
I don't subscribe to this sub, I was just visiting reddit without my usual filters and I saw this post. I felt like it was worth commenting on.
I'm a man, I'm your height and about 10 lbs heavier than you and I like my body. I hope you like yours too, because this guy sounds like a major jerk.
The fact that you're even questioning who the asshole here is, makes me think a book like, "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller would be a really vindicating read for you; it could also help you filter out this kind of prick early so you don't run the risk of getting stuck with someone who's not going to treat you well, and make you believe it's your fault when they don't.
Edit: Forgot height...
Here's a link if you want to check it out: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_aag1Cb93524R8
Here you go!
You have given him multiple chances to change. He isn't. You have no control over that. And you have little control what someone chooses to do with their life.
Whether you did the right or wrong thing by leaving him is really up to you. Most people will tell you that you have to take care of yourself, but that's your own choice.
Do you want to continue to live as you are with him in order to keep him away from suicide? That's the only question you need to answer. Is taking responsibility for his life worth accepting his abuse and the sadness and pain you've been going through?
If it is, you have your answer. Again, it's your own life to use how you see fit.
If not, thats completely ok and acceptable. It's not wrong to leave a friend, boyfriend, spouse, or family member who is hurting you. It's not your responsibility to stay with them if they are damaging you- and make no mistake, his abuse is damaging you.
It's ok to leave to save yourself. It's ok to leave to find someone who will make you thrive, who will lift you up, rather than pull you down and smother you.
If you choose to leave, you have another 2 basic options.
First, you can completely cut ties and go. Maybe this will be the wake up he needs. Maybe it won't. Maybe he'll find another girl and treat her the same, maybe not. It's not your responsibility any longer, and you will never be to blame for his choices.
Second, you can be willing to remain his friend. And try to help him.
You can tell him that the only way you will consider being with him again, since he is so desperate to keep you, is he has to get help. Tell him he needs to stop making excuses that counselors and psychologists wont work, and he needs to get help.
Whatever you choose, you need to make sure he knows and understands this:
The way he treats you in unacceptable. It is disrespectful. It is inappropriate. Tell him what he did wrong, and especially that he would promise to get help and change, but you feel he didn't. Tell him that he is breaking promises doing that, which makes his word untrustworthy.
Finally, something I try to recommend to everyone are two cheap books from Amazon that have changed my life and thousands of others. They have opened my eyes to what I need in a partner, why I act and why others act the way they do in relationships, how to pick a partner that will provide a good relationship, how to spot a partner that will end in misery, and how to fix problems before they end the relationship.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_NA5XBbC0180SJ
Hey there :) There's a really good book you can read about this. It's called Attached - https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
It's a really handy guide for analysing and understanding why you might get anxious in a relationship, and why your partner might get distant.
FYI, I have the same problem too. It's a self-esteem issue, and it helps to learn to love yourself :) Best of luck!
I was recommended this book in the main ADHD thread. is very enlightening: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8
Give this a whirl. You may, like myself, be of the anxiety attachment type. To which I'll let you know I have no idea how to fix yet as I've just recently even heard that term once I started really wondering why I'm so happy not in a relationship when most people I meet are. I'll also warn you that the book gives you no work to do if you yourself are the anxiety attacher, it also basically makes you sound like the worst person for a normal human to try and date. I just stay cognizant of when I'm doing it and am working on tweaking things to be better.
It could also just be addiction, no idea since I'm not in your head :) I read a lot of Eckhart Tolle, Thich Naht Han, etc nowadays. Lots of "why do I do the same things over and over?"
Yeah I guess even though we try honesty and communication, it takes two people to be aware of themselves to have a good relationship. I feel like people who are actually considerate about these matters like you, or I or anyone else that views these matters with weight are in the minority.
Just because we are being honest doesn’t mean another person is nor do they know their attachment style. I did read this book, https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_RQuEDbRPWEEQV
Attached, because I wanted to understand people better and avoid pitfalls, but again, not everyone can communicate. Maybe it’s an age thing, I’m 28 years old, and seems like my dating pool just isn’t quite “there” yet. Like another person here suggested, focus less on dating and instead on the self. Learn to move on from things and not let bad happenings traumatize too much. And most importantly, keep learning and maybe even get there some day. I see too many failed marriages. I want to get it right the first time.
Female here, but have been in the same boat. Grew up super isolated, so I spent a lot of my 20s on my own and really lonely. Now have several solid friendships, a lot of acquaintances and dating prospects. So, I see myself as a success story. A lot of people on here are saying they’ve given up or feel hopeless, but I’m here to tell you it can change.
That loneliness shit is universal/literally an epidemic at this point. It has a lot to do with how our modern society is structured; hyper-independence is lauded, but actually unnatural. It’s not a reflection on you and your likability or lack there of.
(read “Loneliness - Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection” for more info. It helped me see it wasn’t something inherently wrong with me, but just something everyone experiences. Some people moreso because of practical things like not socialized properly in childhood, lacking skills, etc. It also gives a lot of info of how to get out of the lonely headspace). https://www.amazon.ca/Loneliness-Human-Nature-Social-Connection/dp/0393335283
Also therapy, both individual and group, helped me learn social skills and build connections that got me healthier socially.
(Read “Attached” to learn more about how your style of relating to others may be unhealthy, with guidance on how to improve it.)
Basically, a quick recipe is:
Is it: a lack of social skills? You can learn those. Tons of psych articles out there.
A lack of confidence? Start building it through changing your thoughts about yourself (cbt, self-coaching, etc). And figure out things that make you happy and do more of them.
A lot of social (and normal) confidence comes from how others treat us, so if you’re not getting a lot of positive feedback from other humans, get a pet that loves the shit out of you, some online pals, or GET A THERAPIST. A good one will make you feel valued and respected and welcome. Those feelings and that long term connection will build our confidence subtly but naturally.
And then when in very socially-focussed environments, see if there’s anyone that YOU find interesting (instead of focusing on whether or not they’ll find you interesting) and go talk to them. Aim for having a good convo and maybe being fb friends. Take it from there.
You all got this, dude friends. There is legit hope/resources out there to change, both tour mindset and your situation. I believe in you!
You attach easily. It’s a feature not a bug.
You might want to read this book:
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_MqsnDbA8KCW1S
"My BF has been really supportive to the extent that he can, but I can tell he's getting frustrated."
If this is the case 4-5 months in and you aren't both actively desiring and glad to work out this out odds aren't that good. That's my advice mono or poly. If him supporting you to get help = yes you're wrong, go get fixed in therapy, I support it cause I think when you're all better you'll agree with me and stop being wrong? I believe it takes two people working as a team to make a relationship thrive.
On a side note, this book was recommend down my polycule chain, and widely read among us, and it might do you some good in the subject of your reassurance seeking attachment style http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
Might help to understand why you're doing it in the first place, and why they react the way they do. Strongly recommend this book : https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
Attached. I don't believe that everyone fits into 'categories' like the authors claim, but there are some very good chapters in there with concrete advice about opening up to people and not pushing them away. You may be particularly interested in the chapters about 'avoidant attachment.' I don't know you and what walls you're tryna break down, but I think the book offers some great starting points.
You might find the following book to be of some interest. It's given me a pretty good lens to view behaviour like this through. It's not perfect and tends towards oversimplification but the core idea is pretty simple and compelling: http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 Hope you feel better soon!
Oh, and here's a book recc if you want to learn more about what kind of men to go for and which ones to avoid if you're after a healthy, loving LTR.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment: http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
Honey, you sound like a highly anxious woman who keeps being attracted to highly avoidant men -- aka, the men who are LEAST likely to make you happy. Thus, why you keep pulled into bad deja-vu relationships with avoidant dudes over and over. Read the book. It will SERIOUSLY help you!
No one deserves to be cheated on. That's the worst type of hurt. My thoughts are with you. She sounds like a very difficult person to be around, in spite of the ruinous cheating mess she created.
A self-improvement book that really helped me understand the relationship dynamic is Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - And Keep - Love The parts on "Distancing strategies" of "avoidant" types were especially enlightening.
Best of luck to you. Stay true to your intentions.
Good afternoon. First, you're not a mess any more than your boyfriend is. His anxious attachment is just as messy as your avoidant. Don't put yourself down, because you deserve better from yourself.
There is a well-established relationship pattern found in studies on attachment, wherein an anxious individual and an avoidant individual partner up. The anxious is attracted to the avoidant because the anxious has learned that love has to be earned, that it isn't readily doled out, and that those who love you may up and leave with little warning. In other words, anxious finds all of their romantic expectations in the behavior they receive from avoidants (this is all coming from someone who is 1.) a counselor, and 2.) an anxious attachment individual.
For avoidants, it is all about autonomy because they have learned along the way that if they do not meet their needs on their own, then their needs will forever go unmet. So they see in anxious and are attracted to someone whom they can essentially use for their own benefit. This is not to say that the feelings aren't real. Most often, they absolutely are. But anxious are easy to take advantage of because we love deeply and quickly, and are deathly afraid of abandonment, so we will subjugate our own needs and wants for what we perceive to be the good of our partner.
So, anxious and avoidant start getting close. Anxious wants more than avoidant, so avoidant pulls away. Anxious knows something is off but will not speak up for fear of driving the other person away (which is already happening), so they allow the avoidant to call the relationship shots. If anxious tries to do something about it so that their needs *are* met, avoidant pulls further away and most likely ends the relationship, thus confirming in anxious' mind what they already perceived to be the nature of love and commitment.
To answer your question, then, it isn't fear and it isn't that the relationship is wrong. It is that you have learned maladaptive relationship patterns that you need to educate yourself on, learn about, and become conscious of. I would recommend the following book: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
Best of luck!
Attached is also really good if you like the Attachment Theory.
I found it pretty helpful in understanding some of my behaviours or just recognizing them and how to look for a secure person. I usually would find someone secure “boring” or too nice but looked at them differently as someone worth pursuing:)
Sounds like anxious attachment style to me. If you enjoy reading, take a gander at Attached
Thanks for the Book recommendation. I think I have this Avoidant shit too...
Can you confirm it's this book or the other one by the same author?
> Though the part where you wrote that the stuff we shared is less meaningful, that is a hard thing to swallow.
Well, maybe I should clarify. The things that you shared may be less meaningful to her. They may have more meaning to you, though, possibly because you're holding on to the meaning.
What's interesting is the reverse may happen to you. At some point in your life, you'll have a relationship with someone, but you'll grow apart from that person where you won't want to be around that person as much. They may still want to be close to you, though.
There's an interesting book about this called "Attached": https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ -- You can probably find it at the library as well, if you don't want to buy it for $10.
It's a verbose version of this wikipedia page: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory
A friend of mine found the book very interesting and it explained to her why she had difficulty with friendships/relationships.
Anyway, to address your points:
> 1- most people already have a close friend or a group of friends and are not taking applications.
Yes... And no.
Yes, many people already have close friend / friend group, but no. In fact, many will also take new comers... If they fit or add to the group somehow.
> 2- I have developed a fear of getting close to people (emotionly).
See that book "Attached". It covers this pretty well. It may help you realize why you carry this fear.
> 3- just because you strike a conversation with someone, that won't guarantee anything.
Yes, and if you don't strike up a conversation, then definitely, without a doubt, nothing will happen. So the reality is that when a door opens a little bit, why not open it a little more? If a door opens, don't just automatically close it. Chances are the person behind the door won't try to open it again. And then you have a self-fulfilling prophecy where you keep closing doors and indeed they'll stay shut. Yet somehow you'll keep hoping that all these doors will open magically and everything will be perfect. Friendships are hard sometimes. They can often take a little work. Sometimes they survive and get stronger, sometimes they don't. And that's how it goes.
As Woody Allen once said, "Showing up is 80 percent of life." Keep showing up. People will remember you and want to be your friend if you keep showing up. Not everyone, but some people.
:-) Please please please please read this amazing book I just read: Loving Bravely by Solomon
I can relate to a few things you talked about, and I think this book will be really enlightening for you. It totally changed the way I look at love and relationships...and I've read a ton of self help books on the subject.
Also, I will be reading Attached by Levine and Heller soon, so I can't vouch for it yet but it sounds really good.
You may have some "attachment items" you may want to consider and reflect on that may give you insight into your relationship patterns. This book would probably help a lot with that. Hope this helps! :-)
Also, nothing has helped me sort through my romantic relationship issues more than exploring my personality type through the enneagram. Check out
Super comprehensive book on all the 9 personality "types":
More of an easy read:
Easy read, and relates to enneagram + relationships:
I think it's easy to be critical of this person, and it's fair criticism too. That said he's probably suffering as well, his fragile ego probably comes from a place of fear and insecurity. Most people want to feel secure and no one wants to live in fear.
What you should do is totally up to you, how much do you care about this person? Do you think they can take advice? Do you think he might want to change the way he interacts with partners?
This book called "attached" might be helpful if you do want to try to help.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_NJ7CzbR70MP8Q