Reddit reviews Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

If you mean is there any way to convince your ex-wife to stop doing that or at least tone it down, that's probably going to be hard since you're exes now. But then again, you know her personality and I don't; maybe it could work.

Maybe your best approach is to offer a different perspective. For instance, when your 7yo was crying about being a "failure," you could say, "No, honey, of course not! The only person who's a failure is someone who doesn't even try! What matters is trying hard and having fun, and as long as you try hard, you're not even close to failing. Anyone who tries will get at least a little better. Of course, not everyone can be Michael Jordan -- and no matter how hard he tried, Michael Jordan couldn't be [insert doctor/scientist or something here], because everyone has different talents. What matters is trying hard and having fun."

Or something like that. You get the gist. Be a source of unwavering support and love for them, and maybe try to "translate" a bit of what they're hearing from their mom into a less toxic message (e.g. turn "you're a failure because you can't make all your baskets" into "look how hard you're trying, you're doing great!").

And whether you're talking to them or to her, maybe focus on the point DuePomegranate made about the important thing being effort rather than outcome. That's huge, and if you're trying to talk to her it would probably be much easier to shift her focus to effort (or persistence, self-improvement, self-discipline, hard work, etc.) than to persuade her to change completely.

I think Amy Chua talks about hard work and self-discipline in her book (https://www.amazon.com/Battle-Hymn-Tiger-Mother-Chua/dp/0143120581). Maybe read that, and if you think it offers a better model of the Tiger Mom than your ex is currently being -- IOW if it focuses on effort rather than outcome -- then give it to your ex with a non-confrontational or even flattering vibe of "Hey I read this interesting book that kind of reminded me of you"? That would give you the foundation to talk about it with her instead of talking directly to her about her deficiencies as a parent.

Like, if ex-wife is being really destructive, you can perhaps try to redirect her with something along the lines of, "It looks like you're trying to encourage Henry to work harder. Didn't Amy Chua say that XYZ other approach worked for her when she was trying to do that?"

Or maybe reading Chua's book could at least help you understand what she's trying to do. For the record, Chua's kids are grown up now and in addition to being accomplished, they still like her. So IF DONE WELL, apparently it can work: https://www.workingmother.com/adult-daughter-tiger-mom-amy-chua-speaks-out-about-her-working-mother

I know exactly the kind of mother you're talking about, and I'm having a very similar battle with mine. I can't type out a detailed post right now, but I'll quickly link you to this famous book and even this tangentially-related article. I can't find my resources on emotional abuse right now, but that's definitely the term you need to type into a search engine and read into.

https://www.amazon.com/Battle-Hymn-Tiger-Mother-Chua/dp/0143120581 this is her book.

I'm not Chinese, but that does match stories I've heard about the way Chinese people raise their kids unfortunately. But whether or not they should raise their children this way is something that even the Chinese are beginning to doubt.

I think a good way to subtly argue this point with your friend is to buy her a copy of the book Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mother by Amy Chua. The author describes how she tried to raise her own daughters in the typical Chinese manner and the resulting heartaches the led her to change her mind.

holidays, birthdays, etc...

Here is a book I recommend: https://www.amazon.com/Battle-Hymn-Tiger-Mother-Chua/dp/0143120581