Reddit reviews Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love
We found 8 Reddit comments about Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Hello there! Stay with that hope, because the journey is long.
I suggest cognitive therapy. But aside from that I think you would benefit from learning about attachment psychology. I feel like many ACoNs had what is referred to as an "anxious" attachment in childhood; "preoccupied " as an adult. The feeling of being unlovable is a hallmark of this, and stood out to me! I do think change is possible, but it's challenging. On the off-chance you or another may want it, here are a couple of related resources:
The test of your adult attachment style is here if you want it. If you find yourself interested in the subject as well and the mechanisms behind it I would heavily recommend reading Becoming Attached
The book Becoming Attached is a fantastic primer on attachment theory (describing the work of Ainsworth, Bowlby, and others). It's not particularly focused on parenting or adoption, but would be good background reading if you wanted to pick it up from the library. This article written by the book's author is a good summary in the meantime.
Unfortunately I don't know any resources to recommend about treating attachment disorders, but you might try posting over on /r/adoption and see if they have any suggestions. Also worth asking your son's therapist. As groundhogcakeday noted, it can be a bit confusing since there's "attachment parenting" (somewhat based on the original attachment literature, but now it's own thing) and you also want to avoid "attachment therapy", which is a term that's been co-opted to justify some really horrible abusive interventions for kids with attachment issues.
I’m reading Becoming Attached on the recommendation of my therapist. When your primary caregiver(s) couldn’t/wouldn’t/didn’t help teach you how to self-regulate your emotions is re-wires you brain and your fight/flight/freeze/friend response gets messed up.
I’m hyper vigilant as a result. I’m doing neurofeedback to re-train my brain. During my first session my therapist could literally see the evidence of my trauma in my brainwaves and my hand temperature. When my brain adjusted during that first session to the rest and digest phase I felt panicked, not relaxed. I perceive relaxation as a threat. I love my neurofeedback sessions and look forward to them every week. They are really helping me. (I also found hot bikram-style yoga really helped me with my rage issues by learning to be comfortable being uncomfortable.)
I also wanted to pass along another resource (that someone on reddit pointed me to) that has been very helpful in unraveling my symptoms. 50+ Characteristics of Complex Trauma. It’s a long video series, but there are also slides to accompany the talks. I also really like the Shame Lies talk from that site as well.
Please read "The Happiness Trap" - the emotional struggle you are enduring is something I have experienced and this book will help you quickly, it is very inexpensive. You can read the first 32 pages here to see if you are interested link
The other one you may really want is Becoming Attached by Price. My LPC is working with me on attachment issues and I just want to put this link in here as well book
There is so much research on this, how anyone can look at that and condone letting infants cry is beyond me. Must be serious compartmentalization.
I recommend reading this
Don't mistake it for yet another how to parenting book, it gives a full history stretching over the last century of the development of attachment theory ( not to be mistaken with attachment parenting, NOT the same) and is full of research. It's not the easiest read, but readable nonetheless.
A lot of people believe that emotional self regulations happens if you simply let the child be on its own, waiting for the infant or child to figure it out. This is not true. Through the soothing of the parents, earlier on mostly through holding,touching, feeding, making sounds, mirroring the child's emotions, the child eventually will be able to internalize this model...and then start self soothing gradually. This is crucial for healthy development.
Just love your baby and hold it all the time, kiss it all the time, go crazy over it. It's all good, it's how it should be. Even when you're tired now, one day you won't be anymore and you will not ever regret having done it this way.
"Happiest Baby on the block" or " the no cry sleep solution" have some methods gently help babies sleep more. Might be worth a try.
Becoming Attached for a book on the history of research in relationship attachment - as well as more current topics in relationships
How the Mind Works by Steven Pinker
Consciousness Explained by Daniel Dennet
Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman
These are the first few that come to mind. I'll add more as I think of them.
I would suggest going through these materials/resources in chronological order:
It may take you several months, if not, a year to digest all of this.
Here's a good book on the topic: http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Attached-First-Relationships-Capacity/dp/0195115015