Reddit reviews Between Parent and Child: Revised and Updated: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication

Parents are responsible for their childrens behavior. This could be a blind spot preventing you from holding your own parents accountable. If you can't emotionally understand this you wont logically understand this following argument.

If a parent needs to get their children to do something or not to do something out of fear of punishment then it's not a relationship. It's dictatorship and you'll never get respect or compliance from your children when you act like you know what's best for them - and this is the reason why abuse escalates.

It's the parents responsibility to teach their children right and wrong by talking and listening to them, helping them understand, and ultimately modelling that behaviour themselves.

Before you have children, it's important to work on yourself because everything you experienced as a child from abusive parents thats lingering in your unconscious will come to the surface when you have your own children.

It seems you area already projecting some of this by thinking experimentation like smoking in the room or lying about homework is bad. Wouldn't it be better to foster a relationship where your children can you tell they tried a cigarette or don't want to do their homework? That way you can actually be involved in their lives.

If you raise your children correctly I wouldn't worry about most bad activities because you'll give them the skills to know better. The science shows that addictions, victim of bullying and peer pressure are all caused by child abuse and an unstable home. If you want to know more about this look up Gabor Mate (I have more resources).

Actually as children get older they become easier to parent when you raise them peacefully and being involved because you have built up a relationship.

Here are books I'd recommend:
Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Love-Matters-Affection-Shapes/dp/1583918175

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901

The Truth Will Set You Free: Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self http://www.amazon.com/Truth-Will-Set-You-Free/dp/0465045855[2]

For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence http://www.amazon.com/Your-Own-Good-Child-Rearing-Violence/dp/0374522693[3]

Stefan Molyneux: Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love http://www.freedomainradio.com/free/books/FDR_3_PDF_Real_Time_Relationships.pdf

On Truth: The Tyranny of Illusion http://board.freedomainradio.com/blogs/freedomain/archive/2008/09/11/book-on-truth-the-tyranny-of-illusion.aspx

Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication http://www.amazon.com/Between-Parent-Child-Revolutionized-Communication/dp/0609809881

Playful Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/dp/0345442865

Unconditional Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Rewards-Punishments/dp/0743487486

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves http://www.naomialdort.com/book.html

Parent Effectiveness Training http://www.amazon.com/Parent-Effectiveness-Training-Responsible-Children/dp/0609806939

The Philosophical Baby: What Children's Minds Tell Us About Truth, Love, and the Meaning of Life http://www.amazon.com/Philosophical-Baby-Childrens-Minds-Meaning/dp/0374231966

What's Going on in There? : How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-There-Brain-Develop/dp/0553378252

Becoming the Kind Father: A Son's Journey http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Kind-Father-Sons-Journey/dp/0865715823

Connection Parenting http://connectionparenting.com/connection-parenting-book.html

First of all, good for you for caring so much about your son's health and sleep. Please forgive the armchair psychology that follows. Of course you can just disregard what I say if I'm way off base.

From the sounds of it, your son has a lot going on, and you are feeling a lot of pressure to help him through it. I wonder whether you are expressing anxiety that he picks up on and reflects back to you. Children look to adults for guidance on how to manage emotions and stressful situations. (See, e.g., Ginott, Between Parent and Child.) In the abstract, a child doesn't know that sleeping poorly is stressful, but that child can learn to associate lack of sleep with stress, which creates a horrible feedback loop that can lead to insomnia. (See, e.g., Jacobs, Say Good Night to Insomnia.) Overcoming insomnia can involve unwinding negative thoughts and behaviors associated with sleep; it seems to follow that one should do one's best not to form those associations to begin with.

I see that you've tried many things to help him sleep. As a parent myself, I get the urge to try one thing and then another etc. But I often realize in my own life that trying different things is a behavior that makes me feel better ("hey, at least I tried!"), but it just leaves my own 7-year-old bewildered -- I can imagine that from his perspective, it just makes the world seem like an arbitrary place where the people who care for you don't really know what's going on. Perhaps from your son's perspective, it looks like this: I didn't sleep well; parents freak out about it, so it's a "freakoutable" thing and now I'm freaked out; parents see my freak-out, and they love me so they try desperately to fix the problem; nothing works and parents freak out about it; etc.

So what might one do rather than try to solve the problem? I would try to be calm; show him through your words and behaviors that this isn't a big deal. That might not reflect your reality -- it's a big deal to you, and if he doesn't sleep well it will become a big deal for him. But it's important not to trigger the stress response, which is at cross-purposes with sleep.

As for more specific interventions, you might want to check out this guidance from NIH. It's a short document, and if you look around for sleep advice, you'll find these same tips (consistent bedtime, cool bedroom, no screens before bed) again and again.

All that said, it's probably worth consulting the pediatrician. If there's something medical at issue, it'd be good to know. And if there's nothing, it'll help you and him to hear it from the doctor. I'm not sure I'd seek melatonin; although it's useful for resetting a circadian rhythm that's out of whack, it could be that the rhythm is fine but failing to express itself strongly because of bad sleep hygiene or stress, so I'd try to iron out those wrinkles first.

Good luck.

I'm not a scientist, but I'm interested in approachable scientific information about child development, and more specifically what I can do to create the best environment and family life for my child's emotional and intellectual development. Here are a few resources that have come up for me:

-Dept of Public Health: there are many resources available from our state public health department. Check if your state has one, or check out ours in WA (the "Watch Me Grow" Series offers month by month developmental information and milestone tracking, and there is information on feeding, testing, vaccines, etc as well: http://www.doh.wa.gov/Publications/PregnancyInfantsandChildren)

-Research Universities: we hooked up with a local research university for inclusion in their developmental studies through the department of learning and brain science. It has been invaluable to our understanding how parents can increase their child's exposure to language, and includes 1:1 coaching, free resources and toys/books, and group sessions with a child development expert, which they pay us to attend.

-A friend who is a speech pathologist recommended reading "Beyond Baby Talk" (https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Baby-Talk-Development-Caregivers/dp/0307952282), for a more in depth look at what is happening with your child's expressive language development and how you can stimulate it.

-A relative that spent 30 years working with children with emotional issues recommended "Between Parent and Child" (https://www.amazon.com/Between-Parent-Child-Revolutionized-Communication/dp/0609809881#productDescription_secondary_view_div_1486152167250) for practical guidance on how you can affect your child's emotional development. It attempts to really get inside the head of a child and answer their true questions, which aren't necessarily the ones they ask.

I highly recommend reading Between Parent and Child

It will give you wonderful information about communicating with your child. I reread it often.

From the jacket:

• Discipline without threats, bribes, sarcasm, and punishment
• Criticize without demeaning, praise without judging, and express anger without hurting
• Acknowledge rather than argue with children’s feelings, perceptions, and opinions
• Respond so that children will learn to trust and develop self-confidence