Reddit reviews Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting

Part IV

Are mothers' issues really invisible?

Mothers' issues lack visibility in mainstream society as a feminist question, and within feminism... almost completely.

1. In society at large: The framing of mothers' issues in mainstream media is usually as "motherhood VERSUS feminism." Consider that in April 2012, NYT hosted a debate between prominent moms using exactly such a title. The media constantly pits feminism and motherhood as two opposing choices, mutually exclusive. That feminists are all about conquering the male domain, and "real women" know that's hurts women, because women are meant to be mothers. (See how insiduous that is!) That feminism promised women the whole world but failed to deliver because women want to be mothers and not icky manly feminists. That mothers must hate feminism and feminists must hate mothers, and the two groups' goals are wildly disparate. This mistake leads to a lot of antifeminism in mainstream society: if feminism is seen to be at odds with mothers, and most women are mothers, doesn't that mean feminism isn't really a movement for women at all? It also hurts mothers terribly, because as long as feminism is out of their reach and not in their corner, they are stuck within the patriarchy with no toold to fight it.
   
   
2. And feminists have fallen for that lie. Mainstream feminism seems a little blind to mothers' issues. Since mothers are so systematically denied voice and power everywhere, the ranks of feminists are filled with NONmothers even though the most women themselves are mothers - similar to how the ranks of feminism are filled with white, cis, middle-class, able-bodied women. This contributes to the invisibility of mother's issues in feminism. So for instance, the fact that the wage gap is mostly a motherhood penalty goes unrecognized; feminists keep talking about it as if it's just a "gender gap" (which it is not, for most part) - this hurts feminists because it's so easily refuted, and nothing gets fixed. "Reproductive choice" is reduced in feminist discourse to "the choice to not have children" only because the people setting the feminist agenda tend to be nonmothers - when really, should we not be examining to an equal or greater extent the other side of the abortion/contraception coin, the choice to BECOME a mother, and what happens to mothers in our society? Mainstream feminism also is home to a lot of old-guard second-wavers who, despite being seriously kickass in general, tend to speak about feminist motherhood in rather negative terms, essentially warning women not to get into, or 'too far' into, mothering because then you're hurting yourself and hurting feminism. Such hostility from feminists to motherhood is not new. The fact is that from the time Betty Freidan described The Problem With No Name, all domestic work and motherhood in patricular has become low-status work in feminist circles, as it has always been in the patriarchal world.
   
   So when it comes to mothers, our choices are too often between "individual women's rights but let's ignore mothers because they hurt feminism/they are too complicated/they invited oppression by choice/they're not really oppressed" and "all women must be mothers to put them in their place, and all mothers must be embodiments of angelic nurturing self-sacrificing womanhood". BOTH these positions buy into patriarchy and strengthen it.
   
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   Where Mothers' Issues Stand Today
   
   The mother-centered feminist movement is growing, but slowly. Blogs like Blue Milk, activist groups like MomsRising, and even some traditional media outlets are starting to get the ball rolling in the right direction for once (remember that article in The Atlantic about "Why Women Still Can't Have It All" and the many thoughtful responses to it? That was AWESOME).
   
   
   What feminism can/should do for moms:
   
   

• paid maternity AND paternity leave (it's important to get dads to shoulder their fair share of unpaid motherwork, also important not to give employers any reason to discriminate against women/mothers)
  
  
• socialized daycare (if we can pay taxes to fund armies, we can pay taxes to fund childcare, freeing up mothers to participate in paid work without worrying about childcare costs)
  
  
• recognition for caregiving work: retirement account supplementation and maybe even a stipend for all unpaid caregivers
  
  
• parent-centered approach to child-rearing: fighting for the right of parents to BE parents as well as gain respect from it - this will mean fighting capitalist structures in addition to patriarchal structures
  
  
  
  
  My plea is basically, MOAR PLEASE. Let's keep the momentum going. In particular, let's focus more attention on mothers' issues on the big online feminist sites which have become the loudest voices for feminism in our generation.
  
  
  
  
  
  
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  THE END
  
  
  Links to all parts of this essay:
  
  
• Introduction & Dealing with Objections
  
  
• Part II: Capitalist Oppression Faced by Mothers (& continued in Part IIb)
  
  
• Part III: Education Discrimination, Limited Access to Public Spaces, Disempowerment Within the Home, and Vilification of Mothers in Maintream Culture
  
  
• Part IV: Are Mothers Issues Really Invisible? and Where Mothers' Issues Stand Today
  
  
  

You might enjoy Bringing Up Bébé by Pamela Druckerman.

As an American au pair I was surprised by the range of foods French children would eat. If the kids don't like something, you just present it in another form. For example one of the kids was 10 and hated mushrooms. I began incorporating small amounts of mushroom into different dishes until one day he started liking mushrooms and felt less of a knee-jerk reaction if he learned a dish contained them.

Marmakoide has been thorough, here is our experience, live.
Have our first 6 months old, living in UK, many people are asking us what we do right; we're not so sure.
We breastfed until 4mo, started solid about a month ago, pureed potato, brocoli, carrot, apple (introduced one at a time), no salt. Will move to chicken soon. One meal with solids a day so far.
She sits in high chair and is spoon fed ; lately she's able to grab the spoon to her mouth. No toy, no playing, same with bottles.
Apparently we let her complain more than others before we interven.
Many French moms report these praises of well behaved kids.
We made sure she was able to be by herself or with other people very soon. Knowing that we are not always nearby probably help her only call when there's an issue. So far it's kind of working.
Our British friends swear by bringing up bébé or [French children don't throw food](
https://www.amazon.co.uk/French-Children-Dont-Throw-Food/dp/0552779172/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=DYQFRN2DNTF1S7J9Q0KQ). Haven't read them.
It seems to me to boil down to "you're not the king of me". Treat your baby like a drunk friend, there are things you would do to help them, but there are points where they need to hear "now you're just being a dick!".
Oh, and no screens.
Bedtime routine is: around 8pm, put in bed in already dark room, the end. Maybe come by once to put the dummy back.
Edit: exception to no screen rule is Skype with grandparents.

Americans.

If you want to understand the differences between French and American attitudes toward food, discipline, and table manners from the perspective of Americans who have lived in France, check out French Kids Eat Everything and Bringing Up Bébé.

OP, you're getting a lot of downvotes here, which is unfortunate. I think a big part of the "kid friendly" food is due to modern American culture. For a different view, consider looking at different cultures. For example, the book Bringing Up Bebe talks about the French policy on raising children--and their food policy is similar to what you're talking about.

A tricky point that many people don't mention, though, is that other cultures (like the French culture) are cohesive in supporting a particular idea or expectation involving parenting. When there's less cultural support or unanimity surrounding an idea, it becomes more difficult to support--instead of leaning on the culture for support, you have to become the willpower driving your expectation forward. It's easier to slip, feel tired, feel that it's "too much work," for the child to get other ideas, etc.

There's a great book I just finished on this topic: Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman. It's the true story of an American mom who admired how French children behaved and her resulting exploration of how and why.

I do think there is an American, child-centric form of parenting that has developed that is bad for the kids, parents and the rest of the family. It blows my mind how parents let their kids be such ultra-picky eaters. This book addresses that issue and many others.

My sister recommended this one. I read it. I laughed. It was helpful since I think it's a bit in line with my parenting style.

https://www.amazon.com/Bringing-Up-B%C3%A9b%C3%A9-Discovers-Parenting/dp/1594203334

I'm reading "Bringing up Bebe," which is all about the French style of parenting. That sounds stuffy, but it's really interesting and a great alternative to books that will make you anxious. It is light and funny. I'm picking up some good advice on how to be a relaxed and patient parent and thus create a relaxed and patient child.
http://www.amazon.com/Bringing-Up-B%C3%A9b%C3%A9-Discovers-Parenting/dp/1594203334

I got a lot of wisdom from this one

https://www.amazon.com/Bringing-Up-Bébé-Discovers-Parenting/dp/1594203334

This one has all the basics though, solid book.

https://happiestbaby.com

FWIW baby raising has changed a lot in the past few years. Even just in our generation, and more than it did for previous generations. A lot has actually.

A fun read:
http://www.pregnantchicken.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2012/11/9/why-youre-never-failing-as-a-mother

And if you're looking for more books to read

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1594203334

I have four kids, all born within 5 years. When they were small, I found it downright impossible to have proper dinner ready when my husband got home from work. I just couldn't joggle the baby, toddlers and cooking all at the same time.

I found the perfect solution from the book Bringing up bebe. We are European (but not French) and before we had kids we used to eat late. Now we decided to move dinner close to children's bedtime. It turned out to be a real win win solution for everybody.

When my husband now comes home, he first spends an hour or two with the children while I cook dinner. He loves it, children love it, and I have a wonderful stress-free time in kitchen listening to radio all by myself (ok, this is in theory - in practice kids run in and out and I'm needed every five or ten minutes for something. Unless they all go out.) By the time we sit at the table, all children are in their pajamas. Dinner is also much more relaxed, we know that within ten minutes after the children leave the table, they are in bed.

Nowadays we are both working, and late dinner is still the perfect solution for our family.

I got a lot of great tricks from The Baby Whisperer that helped with getting a good routine going for sleep/feeding etc... It helped us stay sane in the first several weeks at home. Also, for more general concepts of parenting infants and small children I was really inspired by Bringing up Bebe So far the parts about help encouraging sleeping through the night and a great outlook on introducing foods have been particularly useful . Both these books together have helped and continue to help us a lot with our daughter (our first and only child at the moment).

Came into the hidden comments looking for this. Thanks ;)

Want to move to France?
http://www.amazon.com/Bringing-Up-Bebe-Discovers-Parenting/dp/1594203334

I just finished Bringing up Bebe and thought it was really good. I found it funny and insightful, and really made me think about everything start to finish! Congratulations!
I've been reading Your Pregnancy Week by Week - I don't really enjoy it, I feel like BabyCenter is equally informative without trying to scare me.

I recently read this book and loved it. I highly recommend it--I think the author does a good job presenting a balanced view of "American" versus "French" parenting. She cites anecdotes and personal experiences, but also some really fascinating scientific studies.

You need to read this book. You are NOT a servant to your children. You have the total ability as a parent to make your children behave. This book helped me in a LOT of ways. I have a 5.5 year old and one on the way. We still have problems as times and she acts out. For the most part though our family is calm. I learned it was up to me to make that happen. Her actions were my fault as a parent. I had to give her guidelines and realistic ones.

This is true! Thanks monotheism! Even though pre-monotheism, tribal culture was all about who your mom was, not your dad.

Wait until you end up with all of your oldest male cousins having Jiddo's name (grandpa's) and all your uncles are addressed as Abu-Issam (or whatever Grandpas name is).

My dad and I joke about this though, I am Umm-Khalil. Khalil is the name of my first male dog.

Say hi to Abu-Shezabel! ;)


Also no, there is a whole book about not losing your personal identity when becoming a parent; technically it details how child rearing is hugely different between the US and France but there is a whole bunch of the identity issue throughout the book and it has its own chapter if I recall correctly. Its called, Bringing Up Bebe

I use to live in France. Life sucked until I learned to speak it with little accent. The French are pretty strict about prononciation. But once I learned it well, I loved it. The French were crazy about me. I go back to France on vacation and they ask why I don't live there. When you think you want to leave and life sucks then welcome to living abroad. It gets better. Study the language. Job market in France has always sucked, your husband knows that. He's a jerk.


Just be thankful you don't live in Poland, where I live now. This language is way way way more difficult to learn. French is relatively similar to English compared to Polish.


You will like this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Bringing-Up-B%C3%A9b%C3%A9-Discovers-Parenting/dp/1594203334

Many swear by French preschools.



You have to put in some work but it'll be fine.