Reddit reviews Children of Hoarders: How to Minimize Conflict, Reduce the Clutter, and Improve Your Relationship

> Can you guys gently explain to her because I'm going to show her your comments why this is not acceptable for anyone?

That's not going to work.

Remember: hoarding is either a mental disorder, or a symptom of a mental disorder. That means that it's not rational, the behaviors aren't rational, and the thinking underlying the behaviors aren't rational. And you cannot rationalize someone out of a belief or position that she didn't rationalize her way into.

One thing that hoarders are very, very good at is justifying their behaviors, however unreasonable those behaviors might be. No matter what we post here, your mother is going to find a way to dismiss it.

Instead, what I personally would do is set boundaries:

1. Decide what you want, what you are okay with, and what is non-negotiable. It's okay to say, "I want this" or "Definitely not that."
   
2. Discuss one or more of the above with the other party. Be direct. Listen to their perspective, too; if they don't volunteer one, ask them ("what do you want?" or "how do you feel about this?"). Make sure that both parties understand what the expectations are (and ideally reach them together).
   
3. Done! In a healthy relationship, it will usually end here. As long as both parties are explicitly aware of (and agree to) the expectations, the boundary won't typically be crossed. However, if it is...
   
4. Declare the boundary violation. Don't just accept it, state very clearly, "this is not what I want" or "we talked about this, what has changed?" Even in healthy relationships, people may not realize they've violated a boundary. Respectfully bringing it to their attention allows them to either change their behavior or re-open the discussion stage.
   
5. Disengage if you're being trampled. If your only options are "compromise a boundary" or "walk away," then walk away. If a person regularly pushes or disregards boundaries, stop hanging out with that person. Self-respect simply means having the courage to say, "this is not the experience I want, therefore I choose not to have it."
   
   You might want to grab a copy of Children of Hoarders: How to Minimize Conflict, Reduce the Clutter, and Improve Your Relationship by Dr. Fugen Neziroglu. The book explores strategies for communicating with hoarder parents, and outlines practical intervention skills. It also shows readers how to let go of the personal shame and guilt associated with being the child of a hoarder.
   
   If your mom has other behaviors that make you concerned about dementia onset, though...you might need to pursue that.
   

I have this issue with my mom. I can go as far as writing out a step-by-step plan for her to accomplish something, and unless I follow up or hold her hand for each step, it never gets done. She will like the plan and can see how it will work, but never has that follow-through ability.
It's hard threading that needle between enabling and supporting. Have you read any of the books suggested by this sub? I started Children of Hoarders (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00ECLGAKW/ref=oh_aui_d_detailpage_o00_?ie=UTF8&psc=1) last week, and it has been very helpful so far.

Here is the mobile version of your link