Reddit reviews Co-Dependents Anonymous

Codependency is a Cultural Curse.

I am far from the only person who asserts that. One need only dig into the early literature on sociology in the late 19th and early 20th centuries (see Adorno, Altemeyer, Arendt, Asch, Beder and a good two doezen others on the lists that begin on this website) to see that Beattie's, Mellody's, Schaef's, the Weinholds' and Whitfield's notions about "codependency" were formed out of whole cloth developed much earlier from observations of common cultural conditioning, instruction, socialization and normalization.

Stephen Karpman's Drama Triangle is probably the -- no longer -- "missing link" between the observations of sociology and the psychological formulations of such as John Bowlby (on attachment) that led to the notion of "codependency," per se.

The overkilling point I'm trying to make here is that almost everyone is "infected" with the pandemic to some extent, and that treatment must include the awareness of being surrounded by "sickening support" for codependent thinking and behavior.

Given that, however, may I suggest things the two of you can do together IF you're both at stage four of the five stages of therapeutic recovery and truly motivated to want to transcend the cultural contagion?

Why We Get so Desperate for Connection (in not-moses's replies to the OP on that thread)

The Patterns & Characteristics of Codependence on the Codependents Anonymous website so that you know exactly where your "buttons" are

Practicing a consciousness raiser / thought questioner / emotion digester like the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing so that one is able to continue to sense what is actually going on and intuitively know what to do about it

Sternberg's Nine Kinds of Love to see (with those 10 StEPs) where one actually is in those kinds vs. where one would like to be

Understand the Drama Triangle... (NOT diagnosing, just saying that many (most?) CoDep's have a few abuse-installed BPD traits... which often becomes obvious either reading this article or attending as many CoDA meetings as I have since 1990.)

CoDA meetings and CoDA's "big blue book

Facing the Facts about Sex, Love & Romance in Our Time in ProcessFiend's reply to the OP on that thread. (Be sure to click on all the links therein to get the complete picture.)

Better Books on Codependency and Related Topics

I had the same problem for decades. I still have "riders on my mental school bus" who do so. But they don't get to drive the bus anymore. Here's how I got from there to here:

Continual review of the Patterns & Characteristics of Codependence on the Codependents Anonymous website so that I know exactly where me "buttons" are

Clearly understanding the Five Relationship Styles

Practicing a consciousness raiser / thought questioner / emotion digester like the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing so that I am able to continue to sense what is actually going on and intuitively know what to do about it

Staying aware of where I am on other people's Karpman Drama Triangles

DIS-Identifying with Learned Helplessness & the Victim Identity (see also not-moses's answers to a replier's questions there)

CoDA meetings and CoDA's "big blue book"

Better Books on Codependency and Related Topics

The CoDA blue book is for men and women.

First of all, if he wants any chance of getting in to a treatment center without any cash, he's going to need health insurance. The cheapest method would be to have him sign up for a plan on the Healthcare.gov Marketplace. Unfortunately, he has to have experienced a Qualifying Event to enroll outside of the open enrollment period. Looking at that list, most of those factors seem unlikely for a guy in his situation, BUT...worth a look.

IF he can sign up for a plan there, great. If not, you might want to look at getting him private insurance. It can get expensive, though. Either way, before he signs up for anything, take note of who his available potential insurance carriers are. Once you know that, there's a lot of footwork to be done, because you're going to want to call each treatment center and quadruple check that they are in network with any of the potential insurance carriers. Make sure not to sign up for insurance with a particular carrier before knowing whether or not they are in network for the treatment facility. Being out of network is extremely common, especially for the most prevalent model of treatment down there in Florida (ironically called the Florida model; in a nutshell, it is technically outpatient treatment that provides Sober Living facilities...insurance companies hate it...more on that later.) Another commonality for folks who have insurance that is out of network with a treatment center is for the treatment center to ask the potential patient to pay the remainder of their deductible up front. On a fresh insurance plan...that can also get monstrously expensive, depending on what the deductible is. In all honesty, I think your chances of finding a long-term, in-network solution on a cheap insurance plan are probably slim to none. That kind of thing just doesn't really exist anymore.

Just to give you some background on trying to get him help at a traditional treatment center; things are brutal for treatment centers right now. I work for a small one in Arizona, and we're struggling to keep our doors open, because major insurance carriers are simply not paying claims. As far as it's been explained to me, some of the major carriers made some bad bets on the plans that they offered in the Healthcare.gov marketplace last year, got destroyed by how many claims they ended up paying out, and are now passing the burden of that on to us. We heard from one major carrier that "it's cheaper to get sued for unpaid claims than it is to pay out all our claims." It's rotten to the core, but it's what everyone, all across the country, is dealing with right now.

Halfway houses tend to be more economical, but offer no actual treatment...just a cheap place to live. They're generally ineffective on their own in helping someone maintain long-term sobriety, unfortunately. Honestly, though...anything would be better than having him go live with someone who is selling/using drugs. That is a 99.99999% chance of failure right there. Don't let it happen, and don't let him convince himself, or you, that it is the best option.

Have you talked to your father about the possibility of laying down some ground rules for him coming to stay with you while he gets back on his feet? Maybe putting in to place something like random drug testing, or a system in which your friend has to contribute significantly to the household? Not even monetarily, but just helping out with things that need done? This would be mutually beneficial, because one of the biggest thing your friend needs right now is to be of service to others, and to develop some self-worth...

Finally, to the other user who suggested you make use of the Codependent's Anonymous material...I would greatly second that suggestion. I don't know what's wrong with their website, but here is an Amazon link to their primary reading material. Typing most of this post up was very difficult, because I am of the opinion that this is the kind of stuff your friend should be doing for himself. You can be there to support him, and do some of the footwork where he might not be able to...but ultimately, this is not your responsibility. It needs to be his responsibility...because if anyone cares about his success more than he does, he's likely going to falter, or outright fail altogether. Codependent's Anonymous teaches you how to be supportive in a way that is both healthy for you, and your friend, and it is an extremely valuable resource for anyone who has a loved one struggling with addiction. Similarly, Al-Anon is another program that can provide much of the same benefits.

I know that ultimately my post does not provide an immediate solution to his problem. I'm sorry to say it, but unless one of you stumbles upon some benefactor who takes in homeless recovering drug addicts, an "immediate" solution to your problem is more or less a Unicorn. Finding him a place to go will take a lot of work, will be stressful, and might not even work out in the end. That is the nature of the current state of things in the treatment industry right now. Trust me, as an industry employee...it's maddening, because we hate knowing that there are people out there who need help, but can't get it.