Reddit reviews Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life
We found 27 Reddit comments about Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
OK. first thing, don't pressure her about orgasms. Being able to cum for women is a very mental thing. Pressure kills it. If she enjoys sex without an orgasm, let that be OK for the moment. I don't always cum when my husband and I have sex, but I always enjoy it. It's a lot harder for women to cum than it is for men, sometimes it just doesn't happen.
Second: both of you get this book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00LD1ORBI/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
really really good book about female sexuality.
Baby steps: read everything written by Lou Paget. Read Come As You Are by Emily N (amazon link) Start reading anatomy charts of the human nervous system and your partners particular reactions- using light touch, wartenberg wheel, and nails. Learn what the neurological exams doctors perform and WHY they do the things they do (I get old, cheap textbooks for things like this).
Reading a lot about the sexual response cycle and learning how to hack it- there is a normal cycle of getting more excited and less excited during sex (the technical term for it is arousal but that gets confusing). If you know what these cycles are, why they exist, and how to tweak them... you basically become a sex magician and an make other people's bodies do things and experience pleasure they've never felt before, and in my case, it makes me feel like a Sex God.
I have a few techniques that I have developed,
Some areas of the body have nerves further apart but at high sensitivity- like the sides of the ribs, down to the hipbones. So I'll do a light, random touch up and down the sides until my happy victim is purring, That means they've reached a level of neurological excitement and sort of plateaued there. Then you rake your nails down and it makes their entire body shake, and that ramps up the neurological excitement to another level- and you can then ramp up/let people cool down to get the effect you want.
Orgasm is a trained response. Nerves the fire together, wire together. So you have to train the nervous system to be able to orgasm in the first place, and then manage the neurological stimulation and excitement until the brain gets used to having multiple orgasms. Then if you do it repeatedly with high intensity of neurological activation (i.e, you have to make them come HARD- bondage helps because if your muscles are tensed beyond the normal activation point for movement it helps send the signal to the nervous system that This Is Serious and We Should Pay Attention, plus having someone begging not to come again and fighting to run away from you but BONDAGE and then give them an orgasm!) actually makes it easier to reach multiple orgasms in the future.
I also enjoy making non-genital places on people's bodies into a zone that they have been neurologically conditioned to respond to touch there as a sex thing. For instance. I have several people where I've turned the inside of their elbow into a place where they can come from me playing with it. Which means I can be out in public with them and sneakily rub that spot, it makes them all blushy and breathing hard and turned on, halfway to coming, but to anyone watching us at dinner... don't realize that I've got them halfway to having an orgasm and I'm tormenting them in public. Muahahaha.
How you do that is easy. You spend 10-15 minutes on genital stimulation. Then you go and work on the target spot (I like boobs for this) and play with them for the same amount of time. And then back and forth again. No orgasm for a long time, and keep this up. The end result is a lovely sexy trans wife who can come or gets close to cumming from me playing with her boobs.
TL;DR- mad scientist neurohacking for perverted reasons.
This past year I found This book by Emily Nagoski and she discusses sexual response.
The short version: Some people get spontaneously aroused. I forget the exact numbers she uses, but essentially she says something like 85% of men and about 20% of women get turned on/aroused very easily, with little or no external stimulation. About 10% of men and 70% of women have responsive arousal, which is that they don't get aroused until they are already physically gettin' busy. (The rest of the numbers are made up by people who alternate between the two types).
It sounds like you have responsive arousal. That you don't get horny, you don't feel like having sex- until you are in the middle of making out or even until you are physically in the middle of sex.
The "cure" for that is to proactively put yourself into the mood. Maybe there is something you know will turn you on- wearing certain underwear, masturbating, etc. Maybe you actually need to be physical with someone. But the point is that you have to make a conscious choice to get aroused.
I want to stress that there is nothing wrong with how you are, and there is nothing wrong with having to put yourself into the mood. It's sort of an unwritten rule that spontaneity is hot, even required- but that's really not true. I think we impose that upon ourselves by making sex so taboo in the first place.
I think it would be a good idea for you to get used to that idea and to start figuring out some shortcuts. Maybe you need to put it on your calendar, "Tuesday, get laid". Or tell yourself that you will fuck your boyfriend 3x each week. Or that you will try and initiate sex with someone whenever you get a Nigerian Scammer email. The point is that if you wait until you are actually in the mood to have sex, you will not end up having sex (And once you are in a relationship, this can be very, very toxic- especially if your partner has a high drive and/or needs you to be proactive to make them happy).
I know that seems to take a lot of the magic out of it. But the thing is, that "magic" is not required to have a good sex life.
Good luck!
Hey OP, this is clearly a difficult situation, and I cannot fathom the emotional pain and turmoil you're feeling right now. I know this will sound strange, but I'd like to suggest that you and your GF both read, "Come As You Are", by Dr. Emily Nagoski.
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform-ebook/dp/B00LD1ORBI
While the book is more geared toward women, I think you'll find the information very enlightening, especially the chapters that discuss sexual "accelerators" and "brakes". The book may give both of you enough insight to be able to make behavioral changes.
I hope you're able to work through these issues, but should that not happen, reading this book will at least provide you with some great insight.
Edit: formatting
The one part of your post that jumped out at me was not what you went to (the taboo) but why you went to it: Stress.
"During my weekend all I did with the majority of my time was stress and masturbate.
I'll echo the others replies in regards to fantasy vs reality. What I'll add (though, to be fair, I haven't read all the replies so apologies if I'm repeating) is this: Breathe.
Consider picking up a book or two in between masturbation sessions that will teach you about a) stress and how it acts upon your body and b) how to learn to live with your stressful thoughts by observing them and letting them go.
Some things to get you started and may I suggest you get a free Audible download for #1 to get you going:
Good luck.
Read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It lays out the basics of responsive desire, how it works, what sorts of things act as desire accelerators, what sorts of things act as brakes. Nagoski is a PhD, and this is solid research.
Yes! I've been working my way through Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski and it covers this. There's just so much basic biological information that I never knew.
Buy this book and read it:
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform-ebook/dp/B00LD1ORBI/ref=redir_mobile_desktop?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&ref_=ya_aw_dod_pi
You are normal, all labia are normal. Porn labia are air-brushed, tucked up, and basically unrealistic most of the time.
I got a lot of out of the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagosaki. It talks a lot about female sexuality, including anatomy, pleasure, and how to work through some guilt. I'd recommend it for both you and her, actually.
Amazon link -https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform-ebook/dp/B00LD1ORBI/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1498922611&sr=8-2&keywords=come+as+you+are
TED talk by the author - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HILY0wWBlBM
So, I don't know if you are at all interested, but I know I was never really comfortable learning about sex stuff from a person, personally. I always preferred learning about that sort of thing from a book.
There's a sex ed book on Kickstarter now that's just the Sex Ed comics from the webcomic Oh Joy Sex Toy.
Another (much drier and generally a bit more appropriate for people of the age where they're actually having sex) resource is the book Come As You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski. It does have some parts that are good for all ages - particularly the part where it talks about how different genitals are made from the same materials, they're just configured differently.
There are a lot of other good literary resources from all ages, and I don't know if any of this is particularly appealing to you, given how open you are with all the kiddos, but I figured I should mention it just in case. :)
Wow, I'm so sorry that your boyfriend went through that, and that you are having a difficult time with it as well.
I recently read the book Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. The book talks about non-concordance, which is where both men and women get more blood flow to their genitals when something sexually "relevant" happens. For instance, a man getting an erection when he sees someone else being raped, even though mentally and emotionally he is disgusted and disturbed by what he is seeing.
The book talks about non-concordance a lot, and really explains it in depth. It reminded me of men getting raped, as they sometimes do get erections (even though it is still rape and they didn't want it). The same thing happens to women. They sometimes also have orgasms and/or get wet during rape. It doesn't mean that they wanted it. You obviously already know this, the book just made me think about the explanation behind it.
Anyways, the book isn't exactly about what you are describing, but, I think it could be helpful to you in some way. It's all about the science behind why our bodies do the things they do sexually, as well as about the emotional and mental aspects. It also talks about things like the media, our culture, and our families, and how they all impact our sexuality and feelings about sex and ourselves.
For me, I find it very helpful to "get over" things by learning more about them. I've been sexually assaulted, so learning about sexual assault and reading books about it and hearing other people's stories helped me. I still have some reservations about sex, and some of those were there before I was assaulted. Reading the book I mentioned helped me to think about myself and my sexuality and how it related to my SO. For me, it really helped me to think about things. The knowledge kind of gave me a frame-work to be able to think about and work through my own issues. Like, it gave some structure and added information to the thoughts I already had. Sometimes I don't really know how or why I am feeling a certain way, but once I get more context (learning more about the thing) it becomes clear how I really feel and I can begin to work through what happened.
It may not be the best book for your situation, but it could help. I just wanted to let you know something that is helping me begin to work through my own relationship with sex.
If you have true specific needs whoever your partner is should respect and be dignified about it. But sadly even some guys don't like to use lube due to insecurities so how this plays out would be hard to determine in a macro view.
I would add that what stimulates you/me/anyone can evolve and thus change. I would keep an open mind, as anyone should, to what is may not need to be.
I highly recommend this book and as a guy I learned much that has improved my sex life with my wife.
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform-ebook/dp/B00LD1ORBI
The bulge is probably your g-spot. It not feeling good to rub it might be related to you either not being aroused, or maybe it just doesn't feel good for you. Both are fine and not necessarily something to be concerned about, and remember that things that feel good to you can and will change overtime.
The pain when you stick a finger in, isn't a good thing. While there very well might be some discomfort, it shouldn't be pain. Asking a female, she agreed that it shouldn't hurt more than stretching a tight muscle and should go away quickly. Describing the type of pain: burning, stretching, stabbing, sharp; might help your provider source it. Are you aroused when you're trying to insert a finger? Are you wet? If no to either or both, consider working on those.
Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski is an excellent book. Maybe as a 17y/o you don't have a credit card or way to make purchases online, so here's an interview with her that gives some good information and talks about the book and how her college students learned a lot about themselves reading it.
I can't recommend strongly enough that you read the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski. In the very least, Google arousal non-concordance.
I don't want to spoil the punchlines but there's almost certainly nothing in the least wrong with you. Lubrication or lack thereof doesn't necessarily mean what you think it does. You're getting in your head; happens to everyone to varying degrees.
Best of luck and try to rethink those feelings of unworthiness. A good therapist could be helpful if you're stuck on that.
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski
Check out the reviews.
Hey! I been there, and this is a super common concern (not just for people with vaginas either, I think: people with penises are also not really socialized to view their bodies as desirable. But that's another topic..)
I'd say there's short term and long term stuff to tackle.
Short term: Dammit, it's your sex life, make it work for you! Comfort is a good goal. Your feet are cold? Wear socks. Feel weird about how your vulva looks? Ask for a little reassurance. A partner who doesn't care for your comfort does not deserve access to your glorious genitals. Here is your script: "Hey, I'm a little self-conscious about having your face in my crotch. Could you tell me something you like about it?" It's the end of a long day and you would really rather take a quick rinse before someone goes down on you? Just... do that. Invite them along. There is literally no rule book for how you have sex, and removing anxiety is scientifically VERY helpful in you feeling like your sexiest self.
Long term: make peace with your awesome body. I remember being 13 and detesting how big my belly was, wishing it was unobtrusive and tiny. Ten years later, it occurred to me how absurd that desire was. Your torso is full of internal organs! Your organs move your blood and break down food and they have to live somewhere! I started trying to remember to be grateful for all the complicated important things happening inside my stomach.
This is what helped me: really giving thought the the fact that media images of the human body are there to sell stuff, and we are prompted to think of our bodies as broken so that it is easier to sell us stuff to "fix" them. Media is not there to give us truth. The truth is your body is made to move you, store fat against famine, filter your blood clean, urge you to bond with other people with pleasure and oxytocin. The more you can appreciate how incredibly effective your body is, the more you realize the relative size of your labia is absolutely trivial to your life.
And also, the truth is that humans are diverse. Everyone's genitals look and smell slightly different. Everyone has a smell, it is neither good nor bad. Have you ever seen an imperfect cloud? No. That's because variety is not flaw. There is an online repertoire of photos of vulvas called the Labia Library(obviously NSFW), and I found it really comforting to look at.
Emily Nagoski in Come As You Are talks about the value of self-compassion. Self-confidence is a thing that is based on success and failure a lot of the time, and might vary over time. But self-compassion is something you can always extend yourself. This is my advice, to practice being kind to your body. We get SO many messages telling us to find flaw, to hate ourselves. Women are socialized to bond over how "bad" they are for eating dessert or drinking too much or being to short or whatever. You're even beating yourself up about feeling self-conscious, even though you correctly pointed out you didn't get great sex ed, didn't get good messages about vulvas or pleasure or sexuality. It's not a surprise this is hard for you! If anything, I think its powerful that you are noticing it and you want your relationship with your body to be different. It's admirable.
Practice living in your body. Practice thinking of it as precious. It is yours! It keeps you safe. Extend that kindness even to your genitals, they are fucking amazing. Think about how incredible your vulva is, it's elastic and smooth and a wellspring of pleasure to you. Your vagina is self-cleaning, self-lubricating, self-regulating. It can accommodate fetuses but it also folds flat to save space for your other organs. Your clitoris envelops your vaginal opening, solely there for pleasure. Your pubic hair protects all that sensitive skin and it is the hardiest, glossiest, strongest hair on your body. Your body is nothing short of amazing.
If you are the reading kind, I cannot recommend Come As You Are highly enough. It's very easy to read, very well-researched, and very kind. Probably the best investment in your sex life per dollar out there.
So, not pregnancy related, but the best writing I've ever read on the "wanting to want sex" issue is from Emily Nagoski- her book is great, but her blog has the highlights that might help you- check out her writing on the dual control model and lemonade sex.
Her whole deal is that basically sexual desire isn't a "drive", but sort of a setting that gets dialed up or down based on how many brakes (stressors) and accellerators (sexy things) you have going on. Painful sex is a pretty big brake! Cramps might be worth an ask to your OB, too.
I've lucked out in that my brakes have cooled down and my accelerators have ramped way up in the second trimester, but you can't go too wrong with lube and new toys...a liberal definition of what "sex" means helps too.
Supposedly there's a correlation between distance from urethra to clitoris and the ability to orgasm via PIV alone. I read about it briefly in Come as You Are. At least i think that was the metric. Not 100% sure, its been a couple weeks and i'm not 100% sober right now.
On a related note, my wife (says she) derives satisfaction from orgasmless sex on occasion. I'm not completely sure she's being completely honest with me, since i feel bad when it happens and she knows this. I'm not sure she's being 100% honest with herself when it happens, but who knows.
In that case here is a reading list, PM me for more reading options but here is a few to start.
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00LD1ORBI/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_z9JpDb625GMXS
Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B079K4JRBF/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_L-JpDbF6EM6Z0
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00N6PEQV0/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_v.JpDb67FCDQA
So sorry to hear your libido isn't doing what you want. :(
I can't recommend enough the book Come As You Are which has a lot of warm and friendly but science-backed info for sex-related issues. It helped me start to think about my sex life differently, and I am slowly climbing out of a pit of no-sex-and-despair.
For a quick overview of some of the stuff in the book and her style, here's a link to the best of her blog.
The web comic Oh Joy Sex Toy (NSFW!) has both a review of the book and a guest comic from the woman herself. The guest comic is about one of the most useful things I found in the book, called the "Dual Control Model" of sexuality.
I hope any of that is useful! Big hugs and best of luck -- I hope things work out okay. :)
Thank you, I hope it keeps working for you! <hugs to you both!>
OP, the blog Otronic mentioned starts here.
And this is an article that describes how my SO and I got started on this whole journey: Escaping a Dead Bedroom.
I was the low libido partner and in some ways we were in worse shape than you guys, but the crisis hit much earlier in our relationship, so we had more urgency about solving our problems and we didn't have more than a decade of accumulated habits and routines weighing us down. So some of the stuff that worked for us may work for you, but some may not.
Still, it may help just seeing it from the perspective of someone like your wife. What made me shut down completely was a stress overload. That's one of the most common libido killers, so it's something worth exploring. But we also had problems with initiating sex that we had to solve. To this day, I rarely get horny spontaneously and seldom initiate sex, even though I know how much I enjoy it, so we rely on scheduling and on ways to make initiating seem like less of a burden for him. Again, YMMV, but seeing how another couple got back to good passionate sex may help.
One more suggestion: our book of the month this month is Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski. It's one of the best explorations of women's sexuality I've ever seen, and you will both get a better understanding of your problems as a couple if you read it. Highly recommended!
Good luck!
There's no reason why you shouldn't try out a chastity belt yourself if that's something you and your boyfriend want to experiment with, but first it might be good to figure out if your lower desire is a result of a slow "accelerator" (SES), or a sensitive "brake" (SIS), or both. If you have a slow accelerator, then the chastity belt might help. If you have a sensitive brake...not so much. You can complete the Sexual Temperament Questionnaire here for free (see Chapter 2 worksheet) to find out whether you have a slow accelerator, a sensitive brake, or both.
I also highly recommend the full book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski (Amazonlink), especially Chapter 7. It includes this wonderful exercise to help couples where one partner has a much higher desire than the other:
Stage 1. One person touches the other (excluding body parts that underwear covers) for the toucher’s pleasure, and then they switch.
Stage 2. One person touches the other (excluding body parts that underwear covers) for their own and their partner’s pleasure, and then they switch.
Stage 3. One person touches the other, now including genitals and breasts, for both partners’ pleasure, and then they switch.
Stage 4. Simultaneous touching for mutual pleasure.
And then penetration, if that’s a thing that happens in your relationship, first without any thrusting (“vaginal containment”) and then, in the final stage, with thrusting but without orgasm. But you don’t have to follow this series of stages. You can negotiate a variation that works for both of you.
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Note: there's no reason why a kinky couple such as yourselves couldn't adapt this so that the final stages result in orgasms for you, but not for him.
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The person doing the touching must practice “self-assertion” and the person being touched must practice “self-protection.” That is, in the first stage especially, the toucher must do what feels good, and the touchee must say when the toucher should stop doing something that feels uncomfortable. Some couples find it useful to use a scale, like –10 to +10, and the toucher stops doing anything below a –2. Some couples use a traffic light system—green light for pleasure, yellow for neutral, and red for “Stop that.” The purpose of self-protection and self-assertion is to untangle the knots in sexual communication by simplifying it down to “This feels good to me” and “I don’t like that,” without blame or judgment.
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If you have a sensitive brake, another thing that might help is turning off your offs--the things that stress you out and make you not want sex as much as your partner. There are some things you can do on your own to turn off your offs, and other things you can ask (or demand) your partner to do, especially if he is a locked slave. If you don't buy the book, the free worksheets here from Chapters 4 and 7 can help with that.
I really recommend reading [Come as you are] (http://www.amazon.ca/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform-ebook/dp/B00LD1ORBI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1449082204&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=come+as+you+are) from Emily Nagoski. As a guy, I'd say it's a must read for any guy that want to understand his SO's sex drive and how to use it to build a good sex life.
I would suggest 1 that you keep complimenting her, and also to try Emily Nagoski's suggestion to ask your wife to look into the mirror every day and notice how beautiful she is. See her blog or book "Come as you are", or her podcasts/videos. The following is from her blog and her Tedx talk:
"Stand in front of a mirror as close to naked as you can tolerate. Look at what you see there. And write down everything you see… that you like. And of course the first thing that will happen is that your brain will be filled with all the noisy cultural bullshit about the things that are “wrong” with your body. That’s fine. Just notice those thoughts and let them go for now. You’ve got the whole rest of the day to have those thoughts. Right now, pay attention to the things you like. If it’s your eyelashes, your toes, whatever it is. Write it down.
Do it again tomorrow. And again the next day. The more you practice noticing your own beauty, the more you’ll see what a frickin’ frackin’ miracle you are, and the stronger a hold you’ll have on the keys to your own sexual wellbeing. Confidence is knowing what’s true. Joy is loving what’s true."
In fact - I recommend the video to both you and your wife.
I doubt your a mix and the numbers are well researched. Read come as you are it’s the best book on female sexuality I have read. She’s a sexual educator out of the Kinsey institute at IU.
There's a great book called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski with tons of great exercises to help you navigate situations like this.
One of the exercises that comes to mind is creating a Yes | No | Maybe list. I made a model of one you can download here that might be helpful.
Here is the mobile version of your link