Reddit reviews Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma
We found 98 Reddit comments about Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
In Pete Walker's book, he states his belief that many mental illnesses are really unrecognized CPTSD. It's really really good if you haven't read it.
This is called C-PTSD and in some ways is worse than PTSD.
C-PTSD is basically caused by prolonged trauma that you can't escape. If a kid never feels safe then they can't grow from bad experiences and rather are just broken down by them. How it expresses itself varies a lot though.
If you think you or someone you know has C-PTSD I recommend reading Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.
So proud of you. You’ve got this. Stay diligent. Know this: It’s going to get worse. Make sure your daughter’s doctors and childcare know about your mom. Password protect discussing your daughter. Put it in writing, have them sign it. Research grandparents rights in your state. You are clearly resourceful, but I am assuming you do not have the resources she has.
I will get this ball rolling. Your mom was and is abusive. She is likely a narcissist. I highly recommend r/raisedbynarcissists and r/CPTSD. Your mom is relentless. Your mom follows the prototypical pattern of an emotionally and psychologically abusive narcissistic parent.
2 books I highly recommend:
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
Those books are printed validation. It is so easy to accept that you were abused if you were physically beaten. If can be so much harder to accept you were abused if you weren’t. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t hit you. I grew up with Parents who fed, clothed, and educated me. They never hit me (from what I can remember). But without a doubt they were psychologically and emotionally abusive, and I didn’t figure that out until I was 38, partly because of the conditioning of the abuse.
These reddit communities are strong, experienced, empathetic, brilliant, and present. They will help you see the patterns and develop tools. They will help you set and enforce boundaries. They will listen and give you incredible advice and support, even though they don’t know you, because, in reality, they do know you. And your mom. And your situation. And the patterns. And the way out.
You’ve done so much. You will have to do more. You are not alone.
I grew up like that too. Go lurk at r/CPTSD and learn what you can do about it seeming like yesterday and still hearing her. Check out this book too. Changed my life in the first few chapters. The audio book on Audible is especially soothing.
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
>What can you do to calm this down?
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you can begin Inner Critic shrinking work, as per Pete Walker's CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving.
(PM if you are searching for a copy)
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you can begin dissecting, deconstructing, and reprogramming yourself from the Consensus Trance lethal O.S. our family aculturated us into -because that was 'educating' for them too, also blind agents of the Consensus Trance- so that we did not have to think or feel but just resort to 'COMMON KNOWLEDGE' for inviariably every single thing that we have otherwise never thought of [properly] because we've never felt it, never experienced it,
because we, during the process we're told to call 'EDUCATION', are indoctrinated into 'believing' (without giving it a single thought of our own really) that what the majority believes/accepts/reflects to 'know' as per shown by their actions, is the right thing –that others know better than us simply because they were here before us or simply because they are more (in number), or more experienced (they are definitely NOT, and current state of society undisputably shows that), etc.
Search on this sub for the best reprogramming books and authors references on that -and all related so- topic.
In the last decade of my life I've been recommending these same books to friends and people actively working on reprogramming themselves; my go-to usually: Alan Watts, Jiddu Krishnamurti, or dig deep directly in Charles Tart's work (there are PLENTY others too).
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They are long-term works,(never feels like 'work' to me!) but they're necessary if the inner critic is that powerful.
Please understand toxic inner criticism is a corrupt programm (in that it harms its 'host'), and PLEASE do understand that it does NOT come from you, it is not you, and above all understand that no matter what you 'think' right now about it, shutting up that self-shaming voice goes hand in hand with reprogramming yourself.
Along with Walker's practical self-therapy, there's a lot you can do there.
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Last but not least, I am giving you this advice because it has been my own personal experience, in which my intuition led me to all these authors and ´viewpoints' again and again; within a couple years I was free from that conditioning, as free as I've gotten –if not completely, quite close to it.
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Absolutely.
Start with this book: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
It's not a therapy book, but rather a sort of overview of the recovery process as told by a psychologist who was abused as a child and went through it.
I would read it. It will give you a lot of guidance as to how to assess where you are at in your healing and where to go from there.
I've got a few posts in my account history about my experiences with CBD oil and ketamine to treat the trauma aspects of CPTSD. These treatments were done with about a year and a half of work with a trauma therapist doing CBT and EMDR.
Now, that I have healed the trauma aspects of it, I am starting to work on the personality disorder aspects of it that unfortunately come from being raised by shitty parents and working on becoming part of a community of people again. I do this with work with my therapist and via a 12 step recovery program with my church.
You have to be willing to accept that you are an asshole and just saying "I have C-PTSD" or "I am dissasociating" doesn't actually mean shit. Harmful actions cause harm. End of story.
12-step recovery programs usually have rules prohibiting you from speaking about anyone else while you are in group. You can only talk about yourself. It's tough, because you can't use your past as a crutch anymore to evade accountability.
I won't lie. The treatment process can be expensive though. Ketamine set me back about $3k and the therapy sessions are $180 and out of my insurance network.
This is why Boogie2988 pisses me off so much lately. Most people who have his high of an ACE score won't ever be able to make enough money to afford to do the work. He's been given this incredible financial opportunity and he's not only not doing the work, but he's spending it on fucking cars.
> I'll write more about DH's childhood soon but in his case, placating his mother is how he survived.
That sounds awfully familiar to me, it's how I survived my childhood as well.
One of my favorite psychology/self-help books (https://smile.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/) postulates that rather than just a "Fight or Flight" response in people, that's there's actually a "Fight, Flight, Fawn, or Freeze" response to things perceived as threats. Fight and flight are obvious, fight back or try to escape. Freeze is just sort of giving up and shutting down. And Fawn is trying to be super accommodating to try to defuse the threat "Here's my wallet, take my money, just please don't hurt me."
And that's how us "Fawns" get through childhood with a narcissitic parent. Not fighting back or trying to get away, just trying to give them what they want in the hopes that it'll make things ok (Hint: It won't).
It'll take time to break the cycle for your husband, it's all been ingrained since childhood. But as long as he's showing promise (And it sounds like he is), that's a great sign!
Yes. Everything that you described in your post sounds so similar to my life. The feeling of having escaped a cult is so intense, isn’t it?
Here are a couple of resources that have helped me significantly with my recovery. Sharing them in the hopes that they may help you, too:
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
Pete Walker also has a ton of really useful information on his website:
http://pete-walker.com
https://womboflight.com/navigating-no-contact-when-estrangement-from-your-mother-is-the-healthiest-choice
(this is, of course, talking about a mom narcissist instead of a dad narcissist, but the information still seems highly applicable.)
I believe that you are already through the worst part. Healing from narcissistic abuse is a long, gradual process… just keep honoring your true self, taking good care of yourself, and life will get better and better. Good luck!
I just recently picked up this book and it's been really helpful.
These descriptions may be a bit long, but may help.
Edit: From the book -
Definition Of Complex PTSD
Cptsd is a more severe form of Post-traumatic stress disorder. It is delineated from this better known trauma syndrome by five of its most common and troublesome features: emotional flashbacks, toxic shame, self-abandonment, a vicious inner critic and social anxiety.
Emotional flashbacks are perhaps the most noticeable and characteristic feature of Cptsd. Survivors of traumatizing abandonment are extremely susceptibility to painful emotional flashbacks, which unlike ptsd do not typically have a visual component.
Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions to the overwhelming feeling-states of being an abused/abandoned child. These feeling states can include overwhelming fear, shame, alienation, rage, grief and depression. They also include unnecessary triggering of our fight/flight instincts.
It is important to state here that emotional flashbacks, like most things in life, are not all-or-none. Flashbacks can range in intensity from subtle to horrific. They can also vary in duration ranging from moments to weeks on end where they devolve into what many therapists call a regression.
Finally, a more clinical and extensive definition of Cptsd can be found on p. 121 of Judith Herman’s seminal book, Trauma and Recovery.
An Example Of An Emotional Flashback
As I write this I recall the first emotional flashback I was ever able to identify, although I did not identify it until about ten years after it occurred. At the time of the event, I was living with my first serious partner. The honeymoon phase of our relationship came to a screeching halt when she unexpectedly started yelling at me for something I no longer recall.
What I do most vividly recall was how the yelling felt. It felt like a fierce hot wind. I felt like I was being blown away – like my insides were being blown out, as a flame on a candle is blown out.
Later, when I first heard about auras, I flashed back to this and felt like my aura had been completely stripped from me.
At the time itself, I also felt completely disoriented, unable to speak, respond or even think. I felt terrified, shaky and very little. Somehow, I finally managed to totter to the door and get out of the house where I eventually slowly pulled myself together.
As I said earlier, it took me ten years to figure out that this confusing and disturbing phenomenon was an intense emotional flashback. Some years later, I came to understand the nature of this type of regression. I realized it was a flashback to the hundreds of times my mother, in full homicidal visage, blasted me with her rage into terror, shame, dissociation and helplessness.
Emotional flashbacks are also accompanied by intense arousals of the fight/flight instinct, along with hyperarousal of the sympathetic nervous system, the half of the nervous system that controls arousal and activation. When fear is the dominant emotion in a flashback the person feels extremely anxious, panicky or even suicidal. When despair predominates, a sense of profound numbness, paralysis and desperation to hide may occur.
A sense of feeling small, young, fragile, powerless and helpless is also commonly experienced in an emotional flashback, and all symptoms are typically overlaid with humiliating and crushing toxic shame.
He's only two, so not a ton of deep revelations but: He seems viscerally terrified of unexpected loud sounds. They shake him to the core. I remember experiencing loud sounds as a kid and feeling my stomach drop out and I guess a near panic attack.
He's standoffish and cuddly at the same time. Like me. I'm very physical and intimate with my boys and wife but in general I'm not what you'd call a "friendly" person.
> am I doing this because this just is who I turned out to be, or is this mostly due to abuse?
Basically, I've found cPTSD to cover all my maladaptions. This book is very helpful in identifying those maladaptions: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=cptsd&qid=1573065436&sr=8-1
Look into inner child healing as well as C-PTSD. I think learning about C-PTSD will help you understand what is going on internally that is causing your anxiety and fear. A really good book about this is C-PTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker.
Also, here is an inner child healing technique. While the exercise says to think of yourself like you are 4 or 5, you can apply it to your 12 year old self. You are essentially going back in your imagination to the Trauma and supporting yourself through it with Unconditional Love. This changes the emotions you experience when the traumatic event is triggered from fear based to supported and loved. It really is life changing.
🙏💜🙏
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Inner Child Healing:
Start by imagining yourself as you were when you were 4 or 5 years old. Use a photo initially if it is necessary. Then as your adult self imagine checking in with that inner child that you have identified. Go to them. I think you will see that your suffering is at root their suffering. Give them unconditional love. Hug them, talk to them. Sit with them. Soothe them. Tell them that now that you've found them you will strive hard to always be there for them. That you're inseparable. Develop a deep relationship with yourself in your heart center.
Do this frequently. When you wake up, when you go to sleep, several times during the day. Go to your inner child when you're feeling down, anxious, stressed, depressed. Heal their wounds. You can't fix what happened but you can reassure with love that they were in an impossible situation and give them the love to help them rise above it. You're getting a chance to re-parent your inner child.
After you begin to build a foundation of Self love you can then expand the practice to have your inner child bring yoy photos (which are more like snapshots of memories) of the events that were terrifying for them. And you can use inner child healing to tell them how unfair that situation was, that they are not wrong to feel this way, but now that you have found them that they are safe and loved.
After a month or so this exercise morphed on its own to just directly loving myself (adult self loving adult self). I started to be my own best cheerleader and friend. My inner critical voice too has changed to one of unconditional love.
I really hope this helps 🤗💜🌈
Hey bud, I know you said you're struggling without a support network right now, can you find some low/no cost meetups with people who enjoy doing what you do? There might even be one for emotionally traumatized people (https://www.meetup.com/San-Diego-Emotional-Trauma-and-PTSD/).
Like you said, arguing is a coping skill for you, to cover/deal with whatever particular blend of emotions you might be dealing with in the moment. I also tend to trigger my wife when I'm triggered, and it's been a huge learning curve for both of us to deal with each other and be able to be present enough to not instantly react to each other with our respective dysfunctional coping mechanisms.
I saw you mentioned Body Keeps the Score in the other thread that one's good. There's also CPTSD from Pete Walker. My personal favorite though is Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller. It seems to be the most systematic, step-by-step explanation I've been able to find of what's necessary for us to heal.
I posted a semi-review/explanation of Laurence Heller's theory of developmental trauma here.
Other poster mentioned
>This place has treasures but you've gotta find them
Totally agree with that. Be patient, read, and engage in discussion like what you're doing, what don't expect any miracles from the sub.
>Unfortunately in the unfair real world no one really cares for damaged obnoxious underdeveloped underprivileged peopleThat is society. I don't know how you haven't learnt this yet, perhaps you are privileged race and gender and otherwise, but this is soemthing that you just need to accept.
A very harsh truth. Perhaps you haven't been able to accept this because you haven't be able to accept and grieve your own losses yet. If you do have DTD, you've had many things taken from you, including childhood innocence. It's a rough place to be, but healing is possible; just very, very slowly. It's a 3 steps forward, 2 steps back situation.
I'll share methods that worked for me personally. Feel free to ask me any questions, because I'm going to try to keep this brief (Edit: I failed), but am happy to expand on it if you're interested.
On an abstract level, I learned about C-PTSD and coping with it. This book helped tons. Basically I learned to identify triggers early and remind myself that, although my body was telling me I was in danger with a fight or flight reaction, I was in no actual danger and I was completely in control of my surroundings.
(Full Disclosure - I learned a lot of my triggers came from childhood experiences of a narcissistic parent intentionally triggering me at the dinner table and refusing me the ability to leave. So YMMV with the book.)
I leveraged the concept of neuroplasticity to re-wire my brain to respond to trigger noises as rewards instead of dread.
I'll give you the specific example of someone eating chips. It had gotten so bad for me that the rustling of the bag would trigger me because I knew what was coming. Then, just the sound of the pantry door would trigger me. I'd get stuck in this feedback loop of dreading what was coming, anticipating it, and then becoming hyper aware of it, so by the time it happened the sound was CONSUMING.
So I decided to associate that awful trigger with something positive. Initially I'd hear the chip bag and recognize I was triggered. Then I made the choice to say "Fuck Yeah, I love Chips. Give me some fucking chips!" So I'd have a snack as well.
When that started working, I expanded on it. If I was at work and someone started eating an apple, I'd give myself a break to do something I wanted to do. Go for a little walk. Browse reddit for a couple minutes. Look at some tits on gonewild. Whatever. The point was I started to associate trigger noises with rewards instead of punishment.
Once I learned how to break myself out of those thought loops, they started to get easier and easier to break out of. I got better at recognize being triggered early and turning the event into something positive before it got out of control.
I do admit, at first it was a little fake it till you make it, but eventually it started working. I realized that I was fighting it so hard I wouldn't remove myself form a triggering circumstance until I was too far gone, so I started doing it earlier and earlier and more and more gracefully. I started rewarding myself for awareness instead of punishing myself for being triggered in the first place. I became much more gentle with myself in general.
For example, If i'm in a meeting and someone brings in lunch, I'll excuse myself to the restroom the second I get anxious, go out and remind myself that I'm in control of this, and come back when I feel better. Eventually, just knowing I can leave if I want to became enough to keep me in shape.
For the first time in two decades, I can go to movies again with my wife, I can ride in a car with someone popping on gum, and I can sit at a dinner table without music on. It's been amazing.
Good luck guys, you can do it too!
I'm glad you got to the place where you can acknowledge something is wrong. I came to this sub for years and read tons of posts but I wasn't emotionally ready to come out of denial until very recently. As you found, it's an emotional process. I'm glad you have your boyfriend's support, that will be really helpful.
Pete Walker writes about the process of grieving as an important step in dealing with childhood abuse. When I came out of denial, I cried for like 3 weeks. But I got to the other side and I am slowly getting better. Check out Pete Walker's book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, as it's by far the most helpful written resource I've found on this journey. I hope you will find therapy to be helpful, too.
I'm glad you're here. Keep coming back. :)
I would recommend looking into “C-PTSD.” It’s not an official diagnosis in the DSM (and it is a bit different than PTSD), but IMO describes adults with attachment issues. A great place to start is Pete Walker’s Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma.
Also, I’ve started learning about relational psychoanalysis and how it can be used to help my adult clients with attachment issues. So since I’m still at the beginnings of learning the theory, I cannot make any recommendations for specific books to reference. The podcast “Between Us: A Psychotherapy Podcast” has been an easy intro into learning more about relational psychoanalysis while I save money to complete a formal training.
Hey, it’s fucking bullshit that cost is a factor when we’re facing a life-threatening injury. It’s bullshit that you have to figure out how to do this on your own. However, I know that you can do this. You’re already doing it — asking for help is the first step. Allow me to believe this for you until you can believe it yourself.
I have had unearned privilege that granted me immoral access to resources, some quite expensive or even elite, and I’ve worked my ass off, and I am living a meaningful life worth living.
However, I hope you find it encouraging that I made the most progress in reparenting myself using books that you might even be able to get at the library.
Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving — Pete Walker
Codependent No More — Melody Beattie
Codependent No More WORKBOOK — Melody Beattie
Facing Codependence — Pia Mellody
Breaking Free WORKBOOK - Pia Mellody
Codependent behaviors and motivations overlap significantly with CPTSD, and codependency can be at the root of all kinds of trauma responses (freeze, fawn, fight, flight). So, strategies developed for codependence often include an element of reparenting, inner child work, etc.
I found going to co dependents anonymous meetings to be another cost-effective resource. (Usually suggested donation of $2, only if you have it.) Being around other people openly struggling towards healthy and loving relationships with themselves helped mitigate the shame I felt.
One important step in the process that I think it’s easy to skip over is giving thought about what kind of parent you are using to parent yourself? What are their qualities? Things like ‘patient, quiet, attentive, sober’ might come up.
Then, when you’re in need of reparenting,
You can ask yourself ‘how would a parent with the qualities I chose respond to me right now?’
It’s important that you’re activating your imagination in the reparenting process — try not to think of your ideal parent as the opposite of your actual parent. You’re trying to open up the brain to accepting a new idea — putting a splint on the trauma injury — so it’s not helpful to remind it of past patterns when you’re trying to write new ones.
I hope that made sense! Feel free to ask clarifying questions.
My favorite resource is thriveafterabuse.com. Dana has been through it herself and speaks in practical terms. She has a Youtube channel too. On the site there are support groups and reading lists.
Lisa Romano is also on Youtube and another good resource.
The books that really resonated for me when I realized what was going on were about self care. The Body Keeps the Score was very helpful. So was Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.
It takes time. You will be ok. Take care!
Hugs, I do that all the time. Healthy parenting is supposed to instill a jiminy cricket-like inner voice in the child, full of positivity and reassurance to help them thrive as adults. Unfortunately Nparents do pretty much the opposite, creating a toxic inner monologue of criticism and negativity. The key to fixing it is to identify the negative self talk and work on replacing it with the positivity and reassurance over time. There's a book, From Surviving to Thriving and a website both by Pete Walker that really helped me work on the negative self talk that may be of benefit to you.
I'd recommend seeing a trauma-informed therapist who uses sensorimotor psychotherapy or somatic practice, and check out this book: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
This page also has some tips and techniques that could help you: https://whitetigerwisdom.tumblr.com/post/175876890807/resources-for-dealing-with-trauma-stress-and
I've also found EFT tapping, Eden Energy Medicine and Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy quite helpful. I'd recommend trying a few different methods and see what works for you.
Thank you for trying for him, and being the real definition of a friend. Trusting people when you are trained to believe that everyone outside of the cult is a servant of the Devil and out to make you suffer is hard to overcome.
So here's my advice, maybe you could introduce him to therapy a little differently and in smaller doses. Ask him every step of the way to if any of the following or other commenters suggestions is something he would be interested in trying. He never had free will, the organization, his family, and congregation literally ran his life for him. He needs to understand what a friend is and that you are his friend, and not his dictator. He has to be an active participant in his own healing, and in a friendship. Be patient, and know that showing him the door to recovery and independence, is enough. You are good person for trying for him, and that is enough. Ultimately, allow him to choose to help himself.
So, to be more specific on how to help, introduce the idea of reading accredited articles about C-PTSD, Anxiety, and cult recover on psychology websites or from cult recovery groups. Allow him to visit the websites of therapists who write articles about subjects that matter to him, like Pete Walker concerning C-PTSD. Or introduce the idea of reading self help books. Since I mentioned Pete Walker, he wrote Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Tell him to recommend some for you to read, this means he found them on his own, liked them, and wanted to share. And even introduce him to idea of lurking on a few safe subs. It doesn't have to be r/exjw at first, but could be something like r/aww to see nice things and interact with more people on his own terms. It doesn't have to be, and shouldn't be an avalanche of information (like I just gave to you). But, a help nugget here and there, that he can approach from a safe place of his own choosing, can help him learn that just like you, therapists aren't bad and they could really help him thrive instead of just surviving. Best wishes <3
Lots and lots of therapy. I've been in therapy for awhile now and have turned out pretty Okay. It was a lot of hard work to stop those narc actions in their tracks and try to reform what I was doing or saying in a non-narc way, and begin to think like the gentle person I know I can be.
I too, have some pretty awful behaviors. I discovered that my parents were pretty racist and while I thought I wasn't, I had some pretty awful thoughts about certain groups. So I've tried to subscribe to a few subreddits to change my ideas. I won't give any examples because I don't feel like getting roasted in my inbox.
I've mostly stopped being entitled. This has come more with learning to budget and being able to buy stuff for myself. That way nobody owes me anything, I just get it for myself. My husband and I have even eliminated our system of chores so that there are no points or "I did more than you did" or "you owe me these dishes". We just picked chores and only do those.
I think the bitterness is less Narc and more C-PTSD. I could be entirely off base there though! I've found the more aware I am of the situation the less I do it. I still have my bad moments.
I would read Pete Walker's book on C-PTSD if you haven't already. Not everybody who experiences abuse will develop C-PTSD, but some do. Also I've found /r/CPTSD to be particularly helpful.
Most of all, though, I wish you luck. The journey to not being a narc is full of self-doubt and struggle. But the mere fact that you recognize these behaviors as bad usually means that you're on the right path. True narcs will find nothing wrong with anything you listed. I know for myself it has been a struggle of paying attention to certain things that seem "off" and trying to be more self-observant. But I'm way better today than I was a year and a half ago when I left my family. Which was already much better than say, when I graduated high school. And good lord, if I can escape the clutches of narcissism, I think anybody can.
I've recently been reading Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker due to my own anxiety issues after being given it by my girlfriend and have been realising that a lot of what I would have called anxiety attacks may actually be what Pete calls a freeze response. Which sounds very similar to what you are experiencing. Honestly I feel everyone should read this book but especially those who anger or anxiety issues. Well worth a look if you have the money and time, I will warn you though, it can be hard to read if there are parts that ring true for yourself and those around you. Good luck on your journey.
Ooh, this is the post I've been waiting for! I've found bibliotherapy to be very helpful in my healing.
For understanding abuse: Understanding the Borderline Mother
This NPD website
For healing yourself: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
Adult Children of Abusive Parents
And, what you were really asking for: Full Catastrophe Living
Complex PTSD
You wrote:
>Still, I can't maintain a positive or calm feeling state for more than a few minutes, I feel constant anxiety, I am easily provoked, I get easily upset or angry, and I stay upset for hours or days to come, despite all the work I've put in.
This sounds familiar. What I've learned is that it's hard to build new neural pathways when you're stuck in the old feelings of panic. Re-wiring the brain means practicing being in a state of calmness, and the more time you spend there, the easier it will be to get back. So anything that makes you feel calm, even momentarily, is something you should practice. It's ok if you can only feel it for a short time!
My therapist used to tell me, "Get yourself calm, by ANY MEANS NECESSARY!" I think he was suggesting I get high. ;-) What worked for me was to a little meditation, yoga, and spiritual practice, and a lot of locking myself in my house alone with all the blinds drawn. It was the only way I could feel safe for a long time. I wonder if all the activities you've been doing are, paradoxically, stressing you out more? Maybe giving yourself permission to do less would help?
Hope my super long post is helpful! Good luck, OP.
hi! this week is a parent's birthday as well as the first anniversary of the day i found out about my significant other's infidelity. we are still together, but i know it's going to be a rough week.
i'm doing okay right now, though. trying to be aggressively gentle with myself as i have had a roaring fire of an inner critic lately. i have plans to see my sibling tomorrow, with whom i am creating a really lovely relationship and environent of healing. also, i've been reading a book about CPTSD that has given me a constructive place to start in therapy on wednesday. the last few times i've had therapy i have felt super scattered, so i'm looking forward to talking to my therapist about a few things i've taken from the book so far.
as far as food: i have binge eating disorder. food and leaving the house to get food were sources of comfort and distraction. one of the only ways i "acted out" or had any sense of autonomy was walking or biking to rite aid, getting candy and mountain dew, and hiding the evidence. feeding myself now is a difficult thing -- i don't often cook a proper meal for myself. taking care of myself, as is common with CPTSD, is super difficult. i was left to fend for myself a lot, and as a result, cooking and cleaning up for myself is really loaded. either i go out and get something on which to binge, or i find it very difficult to eat at all, as if it takes too much effort to even microwave something. i have been really enjoying my breakfasts lately, since i started ordering dunkin online on the bus and grabbing it on the way to work. it takes a lot of pressure off of me and for whatever reason, all i want to eat right now is breakfast sandwiches. this weekend, i stayed home to watch bojack horseman and listen to the new national album, and all i did in between episodes of bojack was make breakfast sandwiches.
i'm so rambling. thanks y'all.
First off, good for you for trying to overcome your own childhood trauma (and yes, emotional neglect is a trauma) and do things right for your family. I am on the same path.
This might sound really silly, but are you familiar with the kids tv show Daniel Tiger? It's a cartoon based off the old Mister Rogers show. The relationships and scenarios are a little more tidy than what you'd see in real life, but I honestly have improved my parenting by using the helpful tips and emulating the adult figures in that show.
There are several books I can think of that have helped me. I would suggest reading more than just parenting books... it's important to heal YOU. (I don't know the details of your childhood or any of the issues that affect you now, besides what you've mentioned, so some of these may not be applicable to your situation.)
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Our-Children-Ourselves-relationships/dp/1887542329/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414023157&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=raising+our+children+raising+ourselves
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414023193&amp;sr=1-1-spell&amp;keywords=coependent+no+more
http://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414023212&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving+by+pete+walker
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414023231&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Kids-Children-Control-Their/dp/0310243157/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414023293&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=boundaries+with+kids
that last one is a little heavy with the religious quotes, HOWEVER, even I as an atheist found the book excellent and applicable, and the message very very different from most Christian parenting books. So if you're religious, great, if not, this is still an extremely helpful book. They have an original version written for adults too, which I have not read.
edit: I see you've already posted at the sub I suggested.
Have you looked at info on Complex PTSD?
What you're describing sounds an awful lot like C-PTSD emotional flashbacks. Sometimes, just being able to label what's happening helps to get through it. (Did for me anyway, YMMV.)
You might find Pete Walker's book helpful.
Finding a good therapist who is experienced with helping folks with C-PTSD will likely help as well. It can take more than one try to find the right person, so if the first one you try turns out not to be a good fit, keep on looking.
And hugs (if you want them), because dealing with this cr&p is hard.
I don't know that I've found a lot of books that specifically deal with "our" end of estrangement, unfortunately. I've been confronting my own childhood of abuse and neglect, and went no-contact with my parents/abusers earlier this year. It's been extremely painful and difficult.
I have read a lot of things that haven't been "directly" for the estrangement/no-contact, but supportive and helpful nonetheless. I'd also recommend checking out some of these subs (and associated sub "wikis") for more information, too:
I like Pete Walker's book [Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1492871842/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_twi_pap_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1497039153&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=from+surviving+to+thriving) If you have Kindle Unlimited, it's free.
My husband and I purchased 2 copies so we could read it simultaneously. It's helping him better understand me.
If FSIL is interested in having a book to read and work through with his therapist, I can recommend this one for sure. I've used it myself and it was very eye opening and reassuring. I've seen this other one around but haven't read it yet.
It sounds like you've got all your bases covered. Silver lining from your stalker experience I guess... if such a thing could be had.
Stay safe!
You may have C-PTSD and as a sufferer of this, I would highly recommendThe Body Keeps the Score and Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Pete Walker's website is also a good, free reference. I have been fortunate to have access to a great counselor as a grad student and have recently gotten into the C-PTSD work, and meditation (mindfulness of breath and body scans) is an essential tool for my recovery.
You might want to look into CPTSD. It's exceptionally common in people who have experienced severe trauma early in life, and I've recently made major headway in my own struggles after getting my hands on a book by Pete Walker called Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.
My big issue is I was still severely codependent after a childhood of being parentified by a narcissistic father and a codependent mother, and the information I found there has helped me finally make some headway on that and process it in a healthy way.
I don't know if that suggestion will help, but I wish you all the best regardless. Here's an Amazon link for the book. I'm not an affiliate or anything, I just made a new account because this comment thread hit really close to home.
WELL DONE FOR GETTING THE JOB! And WELL DONE for making it through the first days: a new job is always difficult as you adjust, but you have more adjustment than 'normal'. Remember: you're doing brilliantly! You've come through addiction & escaped the sex trade: give yourself the credit you deserve.
I was in an abusive realtionship for about 6 years. Escaped. Into another one where I nearly got killed. Never got any help. Mental health services don't really focus on trauma in the UK. They want to talk about my patterns of behaviour in relationships instead of healing the wounds. I'm done talking about how I feel, I want to fix myself & be able to have a life, instead of this half life I now have.
I can't afford private therapy, & there's virtually no local MH provision on the NHS. I spoke to a psychologist who's a feminist & specialises in trauma focused care - she reccomended the following 3 texts to help me:
8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery (Rothschild, 2010)
Trauma and Recovery (Herman, 2015)
Complex PTSD (Walker, 2013)
They might be useful for you too?
Take care of yourself - you deserve it.
I agree, it's an excellent book. It deals very comprehensively with the global trauma epidemic and is quite academic in style. The symptoms really just point to causes, that too often individuals, families, society, parents and the media wish to avoid or deny.
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Shannon Thomas' (social worker) discusses the concealed nature of narcissistic abuse in 'Healing from Hidden Abuse' (cover quote) :
‘Psychological abuse leaves no bruises. There are no broken bones. There are no holes in the walls. The bruises, brokenness and holes are held tightly within the target of the abuse’.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Healing-Hidden-Abuse-Recovery-Psychological-ebook/dp/B01JR4ST9S
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Also check out:
Dr Judy Rosenberg's YouTube channel - Dr Judy WTF (What the Freud!) is rich resource for those wishing to understand and heal from narcissistic abuse. Dr Judy hosts a weekly online radio show. Check it out:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOJvZ0gxCu_G5ufZjsI3TCw/videos
Before healing can happen we firstly need to shine light on our wounds and understand their cause.
And her book: Be The Cause: Healing Human Disconnect - Dr Judy Rosenberg
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Be-Cause-Healing-Human-Disconnect/dp/1514793032
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POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: A Collection of Essays on Malignant Narcissism and Recovery from Emotional Abuse By Shahida Arabi.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/POWER-Surviving-Narcissistic-Collection-Narcissism/dp/1945796324
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Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA by Pete Walker is a book that helped me make sense of my past and its impact on me.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=complex+ptsd+walker&qid=1558114813&s=books&sr=1-1
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The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness out of Blame also by Pete Walker
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tao-Fully-Feeling-Harvesting-Forgiveness-ebook/dp/B017I3NRRO/ref=pd_cp_351_3/262-3610686-0428419?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B017I3NRRO&pd_rd_r=eed98e8c-78cb-11e9-9794-6b186da2a7c7&pd_rd_w=NVyx0&pd_rd_wg=PxcGS&pf_rd_p=01704ebe-a86a-4b47-8c36-0f9f5bbc2882&pf_rd_r=2749HYE9SAVA0ZTDQQ5E&psc=1&refRID=2749HYE9SAVA0ZTDQQ5E
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Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor's Guide to Healing and Recovery.
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https://www.amazon.co.uk/Close-Encounters-Worst-Kind-Narcissistic/dp/1973915626/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=close+encounters+of+the+worst+kind&qid=1558114864&s=books&sr=1-1-catcorr
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Waking up from the trauma that is narcissistic abuse can feel lonely but there are literally millions of us! You're not alone. Happy healing. 😀
Here is a nice video, with more symptoms besides the ones you mentioned. And here is a great book by Pete Walker. Just some material that could be interesting to further explore the subject. Trauma is a bitch.
I started my journey three years ago.
Personally, I went the route of total overkill of C-PTSD. Nothing left for chance. This included (and partially still includes) cognitive-behavioral therapy (check reframing, it's basically the same method used but in a bit different context in NLP), medication (in my case mirtazapine and bupropion, works on all three neurotransmitters at the same time as I have treatment-resistant depression), psychoeducation, meditation, gym, eating better, sleeping better and gaining confidence by forcing myself to socialize with people and having healthy relationships by getting to know social psychology. Last and definitely not least, the validation from this support group that has been this forum. Generally put, getting into the self-development hobby is hugely beneficial.
Of all the books that I have read, this https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842 has been immensely helpful. I think that if one had to read only one book of ever about C-PTSD, this is it. It just includes everything.
These have so far helped with generalized anxiety disorder, major depression and social anxiety. I feel overall less shame, guilt and fear in my life. I have a lot better self-esteem. I do still get triggered at times, but overall I feel a lot better compared how I was three years ago. When I look myself back years ago, I literally wonder how I could keep living with the thoughts and emotions I had on daily basis. I still though have a lot of work ahead. For example, alcoholism, depersonalization and derealization and perfectionism are things that I have not yet given enough consideration to work towards, as I don't yet feel ready to it. But everything has it's time and place.
I recently started seeing a trauma specialist for help with the panic attacks and lingering anxiety symptoms. She taught me "mindful drinking" (which I know sounds hilarious). Take a sip of cold water. Notice the temperature. Hold it on top of your tongue for 5 seconds, then move under your tongue for 5 seconds. Notice how it feels in your mouth. Swallow. See if you notice anything different about the taste/temperature. Take another sip of water. This time hold for 5 seconds in one cheek, and 5 seconds in the other cheek. See if you notice anything different about the taste/temperature. This exercise brings my heart-rate down significantly. The therapist told me that your saliva actually adds alkalinity to the water, which decreases your body's stress response. Plus it gives you something physical to focus on.
Also, I know I usually start to worry about the symptoms of the flashbacks and that's what turns everything into an anxiety attack. Reassure yourself that you're just having an emotional flashback, that you've had them before, and you'll be okay. To be totally honest, I hug myself and rock myself gently. I think Pete Walker would see this as soothing my inner child. I have found his book very helpful, and also Dare by Barry McDonagh. His book claims to end anxiety and panic attacks. I haven't found that to be the case, but I have found some very helpful tips and techniques for dealing with them.
I just wanted to suggest EMDR from a trauma informed therapist. It is good for PTSD & childhood trauma. I was sexually abused for years as a child and I have not been able to do as much EMDR as I would like, but the sessions I had were helpful. Sorry for my poor linking skills and I wish you well...
http://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/
This is a good book that I have found helpful as well:
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1521937930&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=Cptsd
Hi there. I'm sorry you're going through those dark and self-hating thoughts. A big part of working through an abusive and neglectful childhood, I think, is working through getting rid of that nasty inner voice that talks to you the way your parents/bullies did. Perhaps you could read the book on complex PTSD by Pete Walker talks about this quite a bit, if you have the stomach for reading it at the moment. Otherwise, I think you are not useless, that it will get easier, and that you can do this. It sounds like you have a lot of anger and frustration and sadness that has be pent up. Maybe you could confess your anger here or even to yourself when you're alone.
Treatment of Schizoid Personality Disorder:
https://search.proquest.com/openview/10cb591b9eb8147e5881ffc5bb279e66/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=18750&diss=y
Youtuber I came across that I think is pretty spot on:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XXIxPLPWMc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wyu3xQHCVGc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X25gKl3QPhU
Most material on SPD is pretty old so I personally don't really bother with it. You are better off focusing on CPTSD and the freeze response as there is much more material on that. I'd recommend Pete Walker's book:
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
Np, unfortunately most therapists are not very educated about complex trauma, so I would advice you to do some research and see if you get along well before picking one (if you have the opportunity). Same guy has an article about finding a therapist, which could be helpful.
Yes, it's very validating seeing how your past and current problems are all interconnected. Makes you feel less of a freak. I'm posting some book recommendations in case you would like to know more. Just reading one of them will help you a long way in understanding why you are the way you are:
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker
The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller
Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher
About CPTSD in general? This book by Pete Walker is a pretty seminal work.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_ZHsPCbTPKG205_nodl
This other one also helped me a lot, because the physiological crap that comes along with CPTSD is every bit as terrible as the emotional component:
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=URYXV0O6HWS6&amp;keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score&amp;qid=1554327719&amp;s=gateway&amp;sprefix=the+bidy&amp;sr=8-1
Ultimately though, therapy and journaling are going to be your best starting points for your personal recovery. If you can find a therapist that has experience with trauma, that’s your best bet. I would also recommend seeing a general practitioner and a psychiatrist because of the aforementioned physical issues.
>I will never live a normal life.
Never say never OP! I know it's really bad right now, but with distance and inner work you can certainly begin to diminish the symptoms. I have had a similar visceral response to a comment made by my nDad. Go NC when you can and get a trauma therapist. Also, read Pete Walker's book on C-PTSD. It's very, very helpful.
Therapy is absolutely worth it imo. BUT and the big but is that you need to find the right kind of therapist. There are many, many different types of therapy out there. Personally? I felt like I wasted thousands on talking therapy in the beginning and I just kept rehashing and reliving the trauma with pretty much no progress.
The therapies that I got the most out of because of my trauma was 1. Havening - had the quickest most immediate response to this so therefore it ended up being the cheapest 2. Hypnotherapy - I got a lot out of this because while I logically knew a lot of truths but so much of it wasn't being accepted by my subconscious for some reason. Hypnotherapy sorted that 3. EMDR - also great.
Now I do talking therapy for current stuff going on in my life to get a sounding board and unbiased opinion. That was just me - but talking to 'fix' was the biggest waste of time and money for me - however, talking to maintain has been great. Ultimately you need to find your own therapeutic path. It's pretty frustrating because there isn't a one size fits all. Then on top of it, especially with talking therapists you need to have a connection. So you are constantly having to give the whole story over and over. I found the other therapies had a much better effect on me and allowed me to connect with a therapist much easier once I felt I was more in maintenance mode vs crisis mode.
Im not sure where you are but I feel like there are probably websites out there that review therapists.
Also: some really great books that helped me (and are much cheaper) are:
Good luck!
(Note: This is only me sharing my experiences, the 2nd person is not meant to tell you how you feel.)
The mere fact he says that "you don't care" is the very reason you're afraid to say something in the first place. You've spent your life keeping things to yourself because your experience has always been it was safer to do so. In the past, if you said your truth, it would be dismissed and demeaned. You were attacked for having your own mind.
So your partner is now wanting you to share your truth, and honestly, you don't know how. You get that lump in your throat, that panicked child in your head saying things like, "If you just be quiet, maybe he'll go away." or "You just have to suffer through some of this."
Essentially, each time this scenario arises, it causes you to have an emotional flashback. You feel small, vulnerable, and terrified that any word that you speak will be met with an unequal and more threatening response. You shrink away from the very thought that your feelings or opinions matter to anyone. You can't contemplate having someone actually listen to you. Your immediate response to all of this is subconsciously to say "It doesn't matter what I say, you'll still be angry and it will be my fault for making you angry."
If you feel safe doing so, perhaps you can show him this post. It will show you do, in fact, care a great deal but do not currently have the tools to explain to him why you're unable to speak.
Something that helped my husband a great deal was having him read Pete Walker's book, CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Not only was he able to "get into the mind" of the disorder, but to also understand why I feel so locked down. The book, coincidentally, has been an incredible resource in my own recovery, not only for the authors insights, but also because I now know that I am not alone in this. There are, unfortunately, many of us out here and the one strength we have is to help each other.
You’re not alone. Years of bullying and, even now in my mid-30s, I find myself sometimes reliving the anxiety and terror of my teenage years. Trying to understand the triggers and find my peace with it. We can’t change our past experiences but we can recognize the effects on us today and find ways to let go of the pain/trauma.
Currently reading this and finding some useful info: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
I’m reading it on Kindle- but here’s the Amazon link to it! I can only read so much at time without triggering myself... :/
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_XzB-AbR5R6QFE
I would recommend book "Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving" by Pete Walker.
Yeah I have a mother whom I think has covert NPD. I went NC with her 5 years ago. I don't regret it at all. Probably one of the best decisions of my life in fact.
I also have way too much experience of dating with girls who have BPD. I've never dated girls with NPD/ASPD since I knew the signs and knew what to avoid. However I was not aware of BPD and so ended up together with a lot of them. I was very much co-dependent in my adult relationships. Way too much of a Mr. Nice Guy. I was never taught I can have boundaries. Tolerated a lot of stuff that I shouldn't have.
Now past this last relationship I've had I have zero tolerance for abuse. I've had enough bullshit for a single lifetime. I have a non-negotiable NC with anyone who proves to have a Cluster B PD and if they attempt to abuse me I'll knock their teeth off their skulls. If I sound angry that's because I am. I'm learning to use that anger for healthy assertiveness so I won't have to go through such experiences again.
Pete Walker wrote a book that's very relevant for ACONs, you might want to check it out.
It's okay there. How you could had known? I mean, when you live in a household of crazy people, one starts to think that being crazy is what the sanity really is. You probably had intuitive hunch that what was happening to you was unfair, but had no name to put on it. Your view of reality got crushed under the narc's version of reality. You literally had no other option than to believe that this is how things were supposed to be, and you probably also dodged the issue out of fear that there were some deeper and darker issues lurking beneath the exterior. Nobody wants to believe their parents to be abusers.
One phrase that once stopped me was - did you know that you are supposed to feel good? Feeling good about yourself and life, is the baseline of human experience, not negative nor neutral baseline.
I toss these two books here time to time, but I have found these to be really helpful maps to solve issues caused by narcissistic abuse.
http://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
http://www.amazon.com/Parts-Psychology-Trauma-Based-Self-State-Emotional-ebook/dp/B0065Q7TSY/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1449101188&amp;sr=1-2&amp;keywords=Parts+therapy
> it should be really called freeze, flight or fight
In this book I've seen it called the "4F response" - fight, flight, freeze or fawn.
I think it makes a lot of sense to include this fourth response in the mechanism.
I have PTSD from an abusive childhood, and formally diagnosed ADHD which I take medication for. Here are some things that helped me the most:
(Literally can't recommend this book enough. I think it will help you to read it too.)
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_jMhVDbRZRTVAE
http://pete-walker.com/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us
https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/azsvcd/complete_transcript_for_this_is_how_you_treat/
This bookhelped me recognize the ways in which I still volunteer myself as a scapegoat, and figure out where I needed to create my boundaries.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071446729/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_v5hVDbJDTYSDK
You did the right thing by putting your foot down. Just so you know, his past and mental illness are never a valid excuse for treating you badly, and its healthy for him for you to set the boundaries you need. Caregiver fatigue is real, and you can only help him if your needs are met too.
I hope this helps! Please pm me if you have specific questions or would like to talk more about PTSD/ADHD stuff!.
Edit: formatting
You might consider the fact that you need to take care of yourself in order to take care for others. We often have this integrated belief that we have to put others interests ahead of our own, as it has been so since our childhood. Treating it as an extra step for helping others can make it easier to let oneself to take care of themselves until one has self-esteem to take care of themselves for their own sake.
I think that maybe the worst aspect of being RBN is that people have hard time believing it and often this is internalized as such that we doubt ourselves about it constantly. It makes the recovery difficult as there is constant denial of the problem regardless of all the evidence one might have. I'm quite sure that we all who are now NC have gone through thoughts like "Hmm, was it really that bad?" which often leads to delegitimizing our own experience and at the worst case scenario, retaking contact back to abuser. It helps to write a letter for yourself in which you name all the reasons which led to the choice of NC/LC and read it when one has doubts. Often, those doubts dissipate and we may have a sigh of relief that we have made the right decision.
There is a book called C-PTSD: From surviving to thriving which deals with this aspect of self-denial and being a RBN in one of it's chapters. It's very enlightening and self-validating book overall. I think one may find it as free PDF online as well.
I hope that things will turn alright for you. Know that you are not alone with these thoughts.
It would be a good idea to add a section about Trauma, since so many JWs not only experienced religious trauma but also family dysfunction at different levels of severity.
This book in particular Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving is a must read. It's available in English, German and as of this month in Spanish as well.
The Emotionally Absent Mother is another great one.
And finally, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
A section on helpful resources for rebuilding your life could include this book:
The Power of Habit , out of everything I read, this book, along with meditation, played a major role in helping me break the patterns of depression so that I could get my energy back and become productive again.
And finally, a section on finances might be another good idea. I haven't really dived into that yet myself, but I'm sure it would be extremely helpful for a lot of ExJWs. Maybe others have good recommendations.
As for fiction, this book had me crying for days. It's specific to the Dominican, Latin American experience but I think anyone, especially young women, with dreams and an unsupportive, religious fanatic of a mother can relate.
The Poet X
It's so absurd and if you aren't in therapy people just say you're not trying hard enough or don't really want to get better, like being a victim, etc. Fuck 'em. They have no idea what's going on or what it's like.
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I love therapy books now, haha. I hated the idea of self help but these aren't selling anything, they're fairly clinical approaches and written by actual health professionals, not gurus or 'personalities.'
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Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward
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Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw
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Healing the Incest Wound by Christine B. Courtois This one is pretty good but the language focuses heavily on father/daughter incest which is limiting, unfortunately.
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The Tao of Fully Feeling by Pete Walker Don't let the full title mislead you, it's absolutely not about forgiving your parents, it's about learning to accept the shitty feelings that linger even after treatment.
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Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker A life changing book, really. I'm particularly fond of Pete Walker because he is a therapist AND an abuse survivor himself so he's not just talking from the ivory tower, he's been through it and the compassion and empathy he has for other survivors is evident in his writing.
> Can I die from LOA
Nope. Never. If one could die from the thoughts of suicide & death, I wouldn't be here posting this. :)
> violent childhood horrors I have PTSD and OCD
Seek a therapist. Also check these books,
Someone in this subreddit recommended these books to me when I was looking for advice on recovery from abuse, and they said that a feminist psychologist told them about these. I haven't gotten the chance to check them out, but I figured I'd pass it along:
8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery
Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
Why Does He Do That? is also really good. It's straightforward and has a pretty good feminist analysis of where abuse comes from - the book doesn't try to claim that men abuse because they have mental health problems or any other bullshit, but makes it clear that men abuse women because of misogyny and feeling like they "own" women.
There's new treatments for complex trauma. Grounding techniques and EMDR are really effective. You might have been misdiagnosed. I would look into C-PTSD. Medication and therapy are different.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
http://www.emdr.com/frequent-questions/
Hey! I'm also working on recovery. Some books that I've really found helpful are Feeling Good, and Complex PTSD. Moodgym is also pretty awesome. The first book and the website show you how to use CBT in your own life, and this has really helped me out in terms of everyday anxiety and depression. The Mentalpod is a cool little podcast, and while it doesn't only cover childhood abuse, it helps me feel less alone with all of this stuff, and makes me more aware of my feelings and struggles. Hearing your story come out of another person's mouth is such a healing experience. Episodes 131 and 126 especially are useful.
I think the rest of the work though really has to do with trauma and grief. The second book is invaluable for that. I need to grieve my lack of a childhood. I need to grieve my lack of an available mother. I think this is what "the hole in my heart" is really related to. Sometimes I'll cry about it but do my best to be compassionate with myself. Though these realizations are fucking awful, they are also freeing. I didn't deserve any of it, and I'm not bad for standing up for myself. While my upbringing taught me otherwise, most people are generous, kind and forgiving, and more open to love than I believed possible. I'm able to see myself breaking more and more out of my old survival mindset, and I'm able to see that the world is a beautiful place. It's all a process and we'll both do better and better as time goes on.
Best of luck in your journey! :)
On a related note, to any redditors currently working to become a therapist, go read this book. It'll be rocket fuel for your career. Both in understanding where your patients come from and understanding the people that caused that damage, ie. narcissists like Trump. Like he says in the book, if CPTSD is ever given its due, the DSM will become the size of a pamphlet.
Read "Conplex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker.
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=asc_df_1492871842/?tag=hyprod-20&amp;linkCode=df0&amp;hvadid=312089933244&amp;hvpos=1o4&amp;hvnetw=g&amp;hvrand=4332465515246139454&amp;hvpone=&amp;hvptwo=&amp;hvqmt=&amp;hvdev=m&amp;hvdvcmdl=&amp;hvlocint=&amp;hvlocphy=9004358&amp;hvtargid=pla-489307774527&amp;psc=1
I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. I have had really similar struggles, and there are two resources that have helped me a ton along the way:
http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm
I also highly recommend his book:
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
https://www.amazon.com/Present-Perfect-Mindfulness-Approach-Perfectionism/dp/1572247568
I am rooting for you and sending you good vibes for recovery – you can do it!
Walking up in a flashback is a normal symptom of CPTSD.
You can read about it in Pete Walker's book available for purchase here: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
Hi CaseyD123,
I'm sorry to that you are struggling right now. It looks like you've had a lot of good advice in the other comments, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone.
I am also raising a very intense 3-year-old with only the help of my husband. We moved away from our home state 5 years ago to start a life away from my toxic family and we have no help here. I am a SAHM but I also work from home and run the house. My husband helps as much as he can, but IT IS HARD! Our child is very challenging and it's difficult when there is no break, it's either him or me. We also don't have a normal support system and I often fantasize about living in the type of familial community where everyone is watching everyone's kids, then at least you can have a minute to yourself. Unfortunately, that is not the reality.
I also have Complex PTSD which, I think, is what you might mean about being "haunted by terrible memories." Those are called flashbacks. If you aren't familiar with Complex PTSD, I highly recommend reading Pete Walker's book or checking out his comprehensive website. Understanding and getting treatment for the PTSD has helped a lot with that helpless/struggling feeling.
You are also doing a great job by asking for support!!! Please feel free to PM me if you'd like. I'd be very happy to talk with you some more. What you are doing is so hard, but try to remember that you are very capable and that you can make good decisions. And we are here for you.
Hugs if you'd like them!
I send anyone and everyone who is dealing with CPTSD this link, if its themselves or loved one, its going to help:
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/192-9439361-4255060?ie=UTF8&amp;*Version*=1&amp;*entries*=0
Pete Walker's book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving is a really good one.
Hey. I know your feeling exactly. In fact, Pete Walker talks about it in his book, that feeling when you realize after all the diagnoses you've been collecting that explain your problem except not really and you've found the actual fucking answer. It's a great feeling in a sea of not so great feelings.
The books in the sidebar are amazing reads.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Body-Keeps-Score-Healing/dp/0670785938
http://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/
The first book devotes almost fully the second half to treatments.
I personally burned out on shitty therapists before I had my own mind blown so I've not gotten professional help. However, I have see people in this subreddit rave about EMDR and Somatic experiencing.
Bessel Van Der Kolk says mindfulness is key but that there is no easy solution. So, mindfulness meditation, yoga, tai chi, things like this are a great idea to start doing right now.
Since this post, I have been reading this book and it has completely changed my life. You might want to check it out and see if the book seems like something that would resonate with you. (I didn’t have a major childhood trauma but a lot of fear and pain. Complex PTSD is about having flashbacks of FEELINGS from childhood, not memories of a particular event, as in PTSD.)
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_dgFbBbVGW4PQC
The book mentioned in /r/CPTSD, https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842, may be helpful.
This is the basis of my own issues as well. A lack of safety, security and emotional attachment during childhood means I'm now solidly avoidant. I'm in my 40s now, estranged from my parents (which i don't mind at all) single and have no friends outside of work. All of it comes from my trauma in childhood including multiple deaths. I would recommend the usual books that you'll see posted here a lot:
The Body Keeps the Score
Attached The chapter describing avoidance is surprisingly accurate.
Complex PTSD
Affirmations are generally not enough, and often feels like more gaslighting for PTSD in my experience, you will need to go deeper, the inner critic is relentless, but it can be tamed, it will take some time and patience- This book can probably orient you better on your path, along with continuing to learn about all that you have experienced, and integrating/processing all of your experiences, you can't really think your way out of this, understanding is key, feeling is important- https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1521470617&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=complex+post+traumatic+stress+disorder
this is the book.
i would recommend checking out his website too, especially those CPTSD articles in the top left sidebar.
This is a topic that is explored very well in the topical book from Pete Walker "From Surviving to Thriving". I already knew quite a bit from my own experience but this book was validating, if you know any friend who got through childhood abuse I could not recommend any better resource.
Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving and The Body Keeps the Score are great places to start.
It's good that you have a home where you do not live with an abuser and that you have access to the basics.
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Since you have those things, and you seem to be aware of the distress that isolation causes, you might want some information about ways to explain why you are the way you are and ways to start to modify those behaviors.
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Your tendency toward isolation will never go away all on its own. It will take a degree of research, education and effort from you. Maybe a lot of hurt and pain as you reexamine the emotions that got you here and the behaviors that started your path to complete isolation. You will want people to discuss this with. Since you are not likely to trust people in real life, I recommend finding a Facebook group for victims of childhood trauma and sticking close to this reddit group.
I obviously cannot be your therapist but I can guide you to resources that have helped me. I also tend to isolate myself and distrust others.
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I recommend that you read this book. https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
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Amazon is giving a month of kindle unlimited away for free right now and with that you can read the book for free.
You will know if it will be helpful to you in the first three pages.
If that is too much, there is the author's website.
Here is his description of what I believe you may be suffering with. I only say this because you say things that I really identify with and recognize in myself. You are in a dangerous place, as isolated as you are. It may feel safe but a person truly benefits the most with a support network. Getting to a place where you have one or two trusted friends, not a huge group, might be your goal for now.
From Pete Walker's site: http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm
Many freeze types unconsciously believe that people and danger are synonymous, and that safety lies in solitude. Outside of fantasy, many give up entirely on the possibility of love. The freeze response, also known as the camouflage response, often triggers the individual into hiding, isolating and eschewing human contact as much as possible. This type can be so frozen in retreat mode that it seems as if their starter button is stuck in the "off" position. It is usually the most profoundly abandoned child - "the lost child" - who is forced to "choose" and habituate to the freeze response (the most primitive of the 4Fs). Unable to successfully employ fight, flight or fawn responses, the freeze type's defenses develop around classical dissociation, which allows him to disconnect from experiencing his abandonment pain, and protects him from risky social interactions - any of which might trigger feelings of being reabandoned. Freeze types often present as ADD; they seek refuge and comfort in prolonged bouts of sleep, daydreaming, wishing and right brain-dominant activities like TV, computer and video games. They master the art of changing the internal channel whenever inner experience becomes uncomfortable. When they are especially traumatized or triggered, they may exhibit a schizoid-like detachment from ordinary reality.
TX: There are at least three reasons why freeze types are the most difficult 4F defense to treat. First, their positive relational experiences are few if any, and they are therefore extremely reluctant to enter the relationship of therapy; moreover, those who manage to overcome this reluctance often spook easily and quickly terminate. Second, they are harder to psychoeducate about the trauma basis of their complaints because, like many fight types, they are unconscious of their fear and their torturous inner critic. Also, like the fight type, the freeze type tends to project the perfectionistic demands of the critic onto others rather than the self, and uses the imperfections of others as justification for isolation. The critic's processes of perfectionism and endangerment, extremely unconscious in freeze types, must be made conscious and deconstructed as described in detail in my aforementioned article on shrinking the inner critic. Third, even more than workaholic flight types, freeze types are in denial about the life narrowing consequences of their singular adaptation. Because the freeze response is on a continuum that ends with the collapse response (the extreme abandonment of consciousness seen in prey animals about to be killed), many appear to be able to self-medicate by releasing the internal opioids that the animal brain is programmed to release when danger is so great that death seems immanent. The opioid production of the collapse or extreme freeze response can only take the individual so far however, and these types are therefore prone to sedating substance addictions. Many self-medicating types are often drawn to marijuana and narcotics, while others may gravitate toward ever escalating regimes of anti-depressants and anxiolytics. Moreover, when they are especially unremediated and unattached, they can devolve into increasing depression and, in worst case scenarios, into the kind of mental illness described in the book, I Never Promised You A Rose Garden.
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So, from all the other replies you know that therapy is highly recommended. It made a world of difference for me as well. I'd add that you should try to find a trauma specialist that is familiar with childhood emotional abuse and CPTSD.
However, I also know that you may not feel able or ready to pull the trigger on therapy for some time. You may think that what you went through still wasn't that bad, that you will be fine, that therapy is for people who can't hack it or are broken. Those things are not true, but you can only benefit from therapy when you are ready and want to heal further.
In the meantime, check out the book Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving. My therapist recommended it to me and I found it really really helpful. https://www.amazon.fr/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
I think you may have accidentallied the link to Walker's book. Did you mean this one? Big fan of that book too. It was extremely helpful to me.
I don't know if your issue is the same as mine, but I was bullied a lot too and eventually figured out I have some symptoms of PTSD. This book was helpful in figuring that stuff out.
Have you been able to find or are you able to see a therapist?
I would look up info on CPTSD, it's incredibly common in people who have suffered from childhood abuse. I have it and found the book by Pete Walker on the subject immensely helpful. There are also many support type groups on here that might be useful. I subscribe to r/raisedbynarcissists. You should try to find some way to release the negative emotions, writing in a journal is a great way to do that if you don't have someone you trust with specific stories etc.
The first link is for the book, the second one is the important one, full of a lot of info.
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1475204141&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=Pete+walker
http://www.outofthestorm.website
I highly recommend this book. It’s helped me a lot in identifying my childhood abuse and how it has affected me as an adult. The good news is that those feelings of shame, anxiety, and guilt are all just learned behaviors from your traumatic past, and with time and effort, you can work to undo them.
I really do sympathize with him. I was in absolute terror of my mother. 30 years later, I honestly don't know why. What could she have done to me that was worse than what she was already doing? I didn't know. But I absolutely froze, I was incapable of standing up to her for a long time. Too long. It drove my husband up the wall (because he was rational and I was not). Thankfully he stuck with me. Look at the symptoms of CPTSD. This book is free if you have Kindle Unlimited, and I've found it very helpful since my CPTSD diagnosis. https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
I've never had a therapist whose counsel resonated with me, either. Pete Walker's book on cptsd is really good. I discovered it via this sub and it's definitely helping me to make sense of my upbringing and present issues. It might help you too!
Well I can relate to wanting to find someone. What has basically gotten me through is I have two ENFJs as really good friends (one who is a repressed ENFJ bc of the abuse he suffered through his own NarcRents, which is why he resists the Narc-like tendencies you sometimes see in male-ENFJs bc it was so damned awful what they did to him).
But basically I understand that I have spaghetti that is made of spaghetti but also spaghetti made of cardboard — I walk the line a little more between my J and P more than most Infps, but thats bc of the demand and abuse by my folks to be totally logical and analytical so I come off as an Infj.
Scrolling through RaisedbyNarcicissts broke my emotions yesterday for several hours. I couldn’t empathize with anyone or anything. I had to listen to Worship music (Im a devout Catholic) in order to make myself cry so I could feel. The dissociation is a little unnerving at first but it helps me to now understand what people who dont have or have limited emotions “feel” like. The revelations just keep coming and overwhelming me. So I work through it and journal a little to make a note that it happened.
I recommend Pete Walkers “Complex PTSD”
Other people from Narc lives have read it and found it healing. I go thru CatholicCharities for my therapist bc he provides me with the spiritual element that is often lacking in therapists, but I want that aspect so shrug
So to answer your question is been one hell of a ride the last 5 months, and last week for sure.
How are you dealing with all the revelations?
CPTSD here! Mine *is from being sexually abused as a child, but also from growing up in a cult with narcissistic parents. It sounds like we had similar experiences in school though.
The symptoms of CPTSD do align a lot with those of GAD, so being misdiagnosed is common, or so agrees my psych team.
I recommend this book!
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_3ppTDbE253ZAZ
It has helped a ton. It's been rather insightful, especially helping finally put words to thoughts/struggles I'd had long before my diagnoses. Once I knew what I was dealing with, it was easier TO deal with.
Good vibes to you!
Something I have learned—the “bipolar” diagnosis is only good to tell you what medicines to take.
I’ve found majority of my “symptoms” are actually coping mechanisms from a traumatic childhood. Yes, I have period of highs and lows, but within those periods I have very strong emotions that are tied to early trauma.
Try not to see every emotion as a symptom. That will stagnate you and prevent progress in therapy. Some of what those of us with traumatic events have are extremely unhealthy coping mechanism that we can relearn.
I would highly suggest Pete Walkers books on CPTSD if your trauma was related to childhood.
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_3/140-4838738-0439064?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_i=1492871842&amp;pd_rd_r=c9ab83a2-efd1-42f1-9e18-4e82b9905842&amp;pd_rd_w=mjN74&amp;pd_rd_wg=2cpP6&amp;pf_rd_p=6e6afc8a-fbbd-4649-97cf-4e08f5113612&amp;pf_rd_r=VMN1E88QPTCYWSF2TVT1&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=VMN1E88QPTCYWSF2TVT1
Yes, I would dare say that most mental illnesses are merely variations of the same disorder, CPTSD. You and your brother could very well have been diagnosed with CPTSD instead. (Post about all the misdiagnoses people with CPTSD have gotten). Childhood emotional neglect and abuse is at the core for the development of the disorder. At first I didn't even realize I've had a traumatical childhood as my experiences seemed miniscule compared to what others had experienced. I wasn't even aware of the emotional flashbacks as I was completely oblivious to my emotions. Especially the damage of neglect is particularly hard to notice. The damage can even have been done before you started forming memories. Babies will become extremely distressed and enter a figh or flight response when separated from a caretaker, this is a natural reaction developed through the hunter-gatherer time where babies would be particularly vulnerable to predators. Imagine living in this terrible mental state for longer durations as a baby.
If you're interested in reading more I highly recommend the book
From surviving to thriving, a book about CPTSD. I'm currently reading it myself and it's quite illuminating.
The other thing is therapy. I didn't do mine til I was on HRT, but I do wish I'd started earlier, as it takes time to unpack all of the stuff you need to. Being a girl that was raised as a boy can leave you with a lot process, so it's worth getting help with it. Also, this book was very helpful for me alongside therapy.
I'm pressed for time at the moment but let me pass on some more reading for you:
Defining CPTSD:
https://www.healthline.com/health/cptsd
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder
Self treatment:
Pete Walker, "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma"
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=pete+walker&amp;qid=1573869380&amp;s=books&amp;sr=1-2
A self help book for those with CPTSD.
I wish you well.
You might get some benefit from looking into complex PTSD. CPTSD is often associated with people who grew up in dysfunctional/abusive families, but I think it could also be a useful model for someone who acquired the adaptations in adulthood. I know it is a model that is sometimes helpful for cult survivors, which sounds like it might have a lot in common with your experience?
In the CPTSD model, for instance, people understand there to be such intense internal pressure for children to believe that their parents love them that the child will take on really elaborate mental self-torture in order to preserve the illusion of love; the child will take on toxic shame and self-blame rather than see that the parent is failing to parent adequately. It becomes a protective shield, but is also a high-cost adaptation to drag around with you. You also mention big feelings that "come out of nowhere" - in the CPTSD model, people often call those "emotional flashbacks".
You might find r/CPTSD helpful. Also the work of Pete Walker. This book might be a good place to start: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
I think if you just ignore the "childhood" stuff and remember that CPTSD is fundamentally an attachment disorder, and remember that you yourself are a survivor of a dysfunctional relationship hijacking your attachment wiring for awful things, it might help you see yourself in a compassionate way that allows for the start of healing.
If at all possible, I hope you can find a therapist. Pete Walker has some good ideas for finding a therapist who can work with you if you relate to the CPTSD framework.
May you find peace!
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=nodl_
Complex PTSD by Pete Walker
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1542909721&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&amp;keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51fK34oGboL&amp;ref=plSrch
Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb
https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1542909765&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&amp;keywords=trapped+in+the+mirror&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=41A0QuC3bWL&amp;ref=plSrch
You're most welcome and I'm really glad that I could be of help :).
I can recommend you the book "From surviving to thriving" by Pete Walker: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842. This might be of help as well: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php. Please note that any information in both the book and on the forums most definitely will trigger you into severe states of trauma if you have C-PTSD. So please keep that in mind. My flashbacks induced severe physical pain up to the point that I was barely able to function anymore. Not saying it will happen to you, but just giving you a fair warning. Studies show that with PTSD the amygdala (the part of your brain that responds to your environment by fear (Flight, Freeze, Fight)) was developed in a different way than people without PTSD, meaning it takes over your brain functionality in case of a trigger (can be noise, people, environments, etc.). It puts your brains back in the time of the trauma. With complex PTSD, your brain is only put back to the time of trauma emotionally so it's quite hard to find out you're in an emotional flashback.
For me, the Fawn response (it's quite uncommon and actually implies that you have a huge amount of emotional intelligence, "The Drama of the Gifted Child" by Alice Miller might be a good read for you as well. Though it is not very unlikely that you could be gifted in the cognitive area as well, as they are not mutually exclusive, gifted in the title of this book refers to emotionally gifted people) was at the root of my codependency, basically I was the same as you, others were taking advantage of me. All you had to do was yell at me, call me names, emotionally blackmail or even simply disagree with me. I'd then get triggered and (unconsciously) do anything to get your approval ("love"). My mother basically trained me as a dog to take care of her despite the abuse and so I continued to do in my first relationship. I'm really glad I sorted it out now though.
Indeed. Saying no or standing up for yourself will most likely induce severe amounts of shame (toxic shame is at the roots of Complex PTSD) because you have been shamed in the past for standing up for yourself, saying no and not being the perfect lapdog. You were also feared most likely, because you'd get beaten or taken down verbally. You will have to push through this shitty emotions and indeed form positive associations by saying no for example. If you say no and your environment still accepts you for who you are, even when you just set a healthy boundary, you will have more positive associations with the word no. The same goes for a lot of situations. From my own personal experiences, doing the things that I enjoy to do were a trigger, because joy was never allowed and would turn into increased physical or verbal abuse. Telling something to my mother would lead into the stuff being twisted and then used against me, and so I began afraid to tell people my stories, fears and what not. That's where my social anxiety came from, fear of words being used against me or people yelling or hitting me, together with a high awareness of my environment including people's expressions and behavior. Holidays were a trigger because I'd just sit home, depressed, with my mom taking advantage of everyone around me. Summer was a trigger, because I'd get severely shamed for my white skin and would sit home for a huge amount of time. Finding the triggers in my environment and then confronting them has helped me a lot.
It was even that bad that certain types of music were a trigger, because my mom wouldn't let me listen to it and start to yell at me when I did. So listening to that music would trigger a flashback and fear, because what if my mom found out... Driving a car was a trigger as well, because what if I'd make a mistake? I sure as hell couldn't stand up for myself and would be afraid that I was used again. I was involved in an accident once and telling it to my parents, I was told "THAT'S GOING TO COST YOU MONEY". That hurt fucking bad. So, in order to avoid the hurt, my brain was unconsciously scared that it'd happen again and I'd hear the same again.
It's called complex for a reason.. but you CAN get through it. It's hard work and it takes a lot of knowledge plus the ability to recognize and understand patterns in your behavior. But it's okay to get help. You were abused, you want to break this cycle and so you get help. Please do find a therapist that is familiair with C-PTSD though, because it is classified as an attachment disorder, you will have trust issues but you have to trust your therapist in order to get over it. You have to trust your environment in which you learn positive associations.
My main motivation to write a book is to get rid of the shame that most people with C-PTSD are not able to break, as well as to give insight in how severely it impacts your thought and behavioral patterns. You have to understand that your behavioral patterns are mostly associated with your environment so in order to get a grip on the situation you have to find out where your current opinions and behavior is based on, then look at the situation from your own perspective (and not the perspective from the toxic environment you were involved with when you were a child) and then base your opinion and behavior on your new positive associations with the world.
It's hard. But you can do it. Teach yourself happy and positive associations with the world, environment and people. It makes life so much better. I cannot express in words how great life is now compared to 6 months ago. I have a big smile on my face, 24/7, and it's not ever going away anymore. I've won the battle against complex trauma. There's nothing that can possibly be worse than this.
Side-note: I am not a psychologist, but these keywords might be of help for you in the future: Exposure Therapy, Dissociation, Depersonalisation, Derealization, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD (both complex and normal PTSD, not only soldiers have PTSD), Codependency, Toxic Shame, Healthy Narcissism, (Emotional) Flashbacks.
Hi, this is my first time posting in this group. First I want to say I’m sorry you feel this way and I have been there too.
Have you seen a therapist? I’ve been seeing a therapist and doing EMDR therapy since November and I can’t even tell you how much progress I’ve made in gaining self-esteem. Here is more info about EMDR if you are unfamiliar with it: EMDR Institute.
Another thing that greatly helped me were Pete Walker’s books, especially Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. His other book, the Tao of Fully Feeling is wonderful as well.
The other thing that’s helped me has been developing and sticking to a daily exercise routine, proper nutrition, sleep, and cutting out booze/addictive behaviors.
I know that may sound preachy, but adopting these self-care practices along with the therapy have completely changed my life.
If this all sounds overwhelming, just at least check out Complex PTSD .
I hope you can find something here to help you!
Thank you :)
If you do check out CBD Oils, the guy at the shop mentioned they like to start people out with water-soluble stuff as it gets into the system at a quicker rate. I'm sure you'll find helpful people on your side, but just in case maybe look for that or do a little extra reading.
Books...
As far as mindfulness is concerned, I love the paid-app Buddhify - it has a variety of guided meditations for various situations and also includes options for non-guided. I do frequent mental scans of my body to make sure I'm not in what has been my default tense or armored state which I typically find I am - ugh. And then I've added mobility stretching with ROMwod. When I did crossfit that was something I was introduced to and now that I realize "relaxing into position" is actually a real thing, I love doing it.
I don't want to overload another comment, but I'm totally happy to chat more or even offer myself as a reddit-support person if wanted. :)
This book described flash backs like that in great depth. Highly recommended.
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842 ?
PTSD?
Here is another great book for this. Drama of the gifted child has describes the anger really well, but isn't as solution focused as the CPTSD book. It helped me a lot.
Well, we sound very similar and my emotionally neglectful and abusive mother is the one who caused my cptsd. I’ve linked this a few times today, but it’s seriously so, so useful. If you like to read I'm going through Pete Walkers Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA because a lot of people have told me to give it a chance. The book covers so many different things I didn't know I needed to know. It's been insanely helpful. I bet it would help you a lot too.
Edit: and I just noticed your name. Love it!
It's hard to predict when PTSD will pop up, I have figured it is when I am under a certain amount of stress - through life or work.
I am currently reading this book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1483982244&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=ptsd
which has really helped me understand the complexities or things.
I really hope you find some peace somehow, good luck, pm me if you want anymore information xx
My situation growing up was very similar. I recently completed a year of a trauma-informed therapy that made significant improvements for me (no more nightmares, fear projections, hyper vigilance). I know now how to love myself. For parental abuse, I found this book https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842 (written only in 2018) that describes my experiences exactly (e.g. emotional flashbacks). The instructions on how to deal with this kind of PTSD are very similar to my therapy. Psychology and therapy has made leaps and bounds from when I first tried therapy in the earlier 2000s.