Reddit reviews Constructive Living (Kolowalu Books (Paperback))
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Constructive Living
^^Edit: ^^Fixed ^^the ^^link
In terms of talking to your priest, I'd first remind you that your priest is not your Spiritual Father in the monastic sense. What I mean is, you are not a monastic who has sworn obedience to a monastic elder; rather, you are a layperson who has a Father-Confessor. A Father-Confessor's role is to hear your confession and give you some spiritual advice--a Father-Confessor's role is not to take over your life and tell you what to do all the time in every situation; nor is their role to be a substitute for a therapist.
As for the talk itself... it depends on the priest. If you are going to ask him, "is it a sin to fantasize about this very specific type of scenario" he might say, "it's causing you trouble, so just stop doing it" because he is not a therapist and is not as familiar with the situation as you are. Or, he might give some very insightful advice. I guess, be honest and be very specific about what your problem is: Don't just say "is this a sin or not" but describe how you have been trying to fight thoughts with thoughts and how it doesn't work.
In terms of other advice, I think you should stop trying to fight thoughts with other thoughts, and stop considering the realm of thought to be as important as you do (I mean in terms of your reflective moral judgments, obviously because you have OCD you directly attach importance to the thoughts). So for example, instead of trying to focus a thought away using your mind, you would throw the whole mental realm in the trash and say a prayer out loud. Instead of trying to change how you feel using other thoughts, try doing different things in the world. Along with what you learn in therapy, this book can give you some exercises that you can do to help: https://www.amazon.com/Constructive-Living-Kolowalu-Books-Paperback/dp/0824808711
Finally, you should recognize that, at some level, you have no choice but to trust yourself. All that you hear from the internet, from your therapist, from your Father-Confessor--you perceive all of these things through your own senses, your own ability to think and reason and decide. Your only choices are to sit down and do nothing---which you know is definitely the wrong choice---or use your God-given reason and insight and sensibility to undestand and make judgments about what you should do. There is no religion, practice, philosophy, or state of mind you could enter that would add a third choice.
Here is a podcast from the late Fr. Thomas Hopko, I think you should listen to it. Pay attention to what he says about how people go to monastic elders because they are trying to reject God's freedom and have someone take over their life. Listen to how he says this is not what Jesus wants for us. https://www.ancientfaith.com/podcasts/hopko/the_temptation_of_jesus
Oh, and as to the question of how you should consider your nightly mental scenarios... I think it may help if you think of those as not just something you do "in your head," but also as something you do in a specific place and time in the real world. While you can make up mental scenarios anywhere, anytime, these happen for you in a specific place and time. When you've gone to bed at your normal time or earlier, maybe when you didn't get a lot of mental stimulation or exercise that day, it happens when you lay down to go to sleep on your pillow, you leave the lights on a little longer, etc. The more we see our mental practices as embedded in the physical world, the more we can value them properly. I hope that helps.
Yes, you can push them to a drop box or other cloud storage.
But I have to ask, what do you hope to achieve by such a thing? Do you intend to embarrass her in front of her friends or family? What will YOU get from "proof" that she is abusive? (BTW since you are married you own everything together, and technically she cannot "steal" from you. )
I was married to a narcissist for many years. I went through therapy after catching her planning a vacation with another guy. Of course she blamed me. After a few weeks I realized I was a nice guy and she was a controlling bitch. I came home and told her I wasn't doing yard work anymore (I always hated it) and she should go hire someone. She hired an attorney and filed for divorce because she could no longer control me. Good riddance.
I don't know your situation, but here are some great resources my therapist gave me:
Non-Violent Communication by Marshal Rosenberg, a great book describing exactly how to deal with abusive language and how not to be abusive when you communicate to others. (there are also you tube videos on the subject). Changed my relationships with everyone
How To Recognize a Narcissist, A wonderful write up on narcissists (in case she is one)
Constructive Living by David Reynolds A great combination of Eastern therapies that help you live positively and with purpose without letting things overwhelm you.
Really, work on yourself a little before proving to everyone else that she is a pain. Everybody probably realizes that anyway. If you play it back to her she will only get angry and if you play your recordings to her friends or family you will will look like a jerk.
Hang in there.
I'm sure you already realise that your thinking is incredibly self-centered. "If they don't reply, it's because they hate me, it's to do with something I said", etc etc.
The anxiety is not the problem. We know from Stoic philosophy that you are not in control of your feelings and emotions. The problem is what you're choosing to focus on.
/u/Jhawk386 linked to this book a few days ago, and I personally found it very helpful. It fits very well with Stoic philosophy, and it talks in detail about the issue you're facing and how to deal with it:
https://www.amazon.com/Constructive-Living-Kolowalu-Books-Paperback/dp/0824808711
Only $5 on Kindle.
I've even read that the two may be related - that the OCPD behaviors may manifest as a way to impose order on the chaos resulting from ADHD. (Take this metaphorically, though - I didn't read it in a medical journal, just from accounts of others' experiences with both disorders.)
I know I've struggled with perfectionism and other OCPD symptoms nearly my entire life, and wrestled with problems likely due to ADHD since adolescence. I'm no expert, but here's my advice from my own learning journey these past few years:
1. Don't get too hung up on the perfect diagnosis
I did receive an official ADHD diagnosis at the age of 27, which allowed me to start taking stimulant medication. But I've never been 100% certain if it's true. Like you and others in this thread, I've wondered if it's OCPD masking as ADHD, or both disorders, and I've been told by doctors that it's just anxiety, etc. The truth is, these are both hard to verifiably diagnose. Better instead to understand what your symptoms are and experiment to find treatments/habits that work for you, and worry less about the labels. There's so much we still don't understand about both ADHD and OCPD.
2. That said, read up on both disorders so you can best advocate for yourself with doctors and best explain your issues to friends/family
Two resources that helped break things down for me most clearly:
The book Too Perfect
This Russell Barkley video series. I don't necessarily love Barkley's books on the subject - they feel a bit too simplified - but this video series is great.
3.As others have said, find a new doctor.
I think it's perfectly appropriate for a doctor to be careful about handing out ADHD diagnoses - but saying he doesn't believe it exists is a total non-starter. It's NOT too late to get an assessment - symptoms often don't present (or become problematic) until precisely this time. I wish I had been diagnosed at the start of university, rather than six years later when I was demoralized and struggling to finish. See if you can find a doctor who specializes in adult ADHD in your area. I actually had my assessment at a university as part of their clinical research - you might be able to find something similar.
4. Start getting acquainted with gentleness and acceptance, you're going to need it
There isn't a cure for either ADHD or OCPD. That's the truth.
There is much you can do to manage the disorders and live a great life, but these challenges will always be with you, so it's important to start accepting that and being gentle with yourself along the way.
For me this was a bit easier with the ADHD - it's clearly a brain chemical disorder, it can be treated with medication, and it's something other people are familiar with. The OCPD is much more insidious because it's ego-tonic - it feels like a normal (and of course correct!) part of your personality - and fewer people (including doctors) are aware of it.
The fact that you're aware of these symptoms now and are seeking help for them puts you WAY ahead of the game. But even with good treatment and lots of self-awareness it isn't always easy. So remember to be gentle and forgiving with yourself when you can.
Here's another unusual resource that's been very helpful to me in recent years: Constructive Living. It's sort of an anti self-help book that really encourages you to get out of your own head (great for OCPD) and ground yourself in meaningful productive/physical activity (great for ADHD). Similar to some CBT approaches.
Sorry for the wall of text here - hope something in this can be helpful to you.
Have you read Constructive Living?
Here's a quick youtube review of the book.
It's a short, but an interesting counterpoint to your idea that she needs to fix herself emotionally before she can take action.
Congratulations on your decision to remain free from alcohol, despite the rough night. It has gotten easier for me over time - I hope it will for you also.
Your mention of emotions prompts me to highly recommend two books - Constructive Living by David K. Reynolds, and A Handbook for Constructive Living by David K. Reynolds. They have been enormously helpful for me, and I feel certain that the principles they contain will benefit anyone who puts them into practice. Best wishes.
This one?
http://www.amazon.com/Constructive-Living-Kolowalu-Books-Reynolds/dp/0824808711/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1417333754&sr=8-1&keywords=constructive+living
Good to hear it.
This book on that topic is really excellent. Short and concise. I go back to it when I need to "get my brain right"
https://www.amazon.com/Constructive-Living-Kolowalu-Books-Paperback/dp/0824808711