Reddit reviews Custody Chaos, Personal Peace: Sharing Custody with an Ex Who Drives You Crazy

>How do we deal with the crazy?

That's the million dollar question! First, recognize that you can't change her. Trying to go by her rules is not going to make her more rational or more reasonable; the best thing you can do is be true to your own parenting instincts and do what you feel is best for the kids, even if it pisses her off.

Keep documenting absolutely everything that you can. Start a communication log of all phone conversations with her, or make sure everything goes through email so you have stuff in writing.

Custody Chaos, Personal Peace is a really great book for dealing with an unreasonable ex. For dealing with a parent who's actively trying to poison the kids against you, try Divorce Poison or Adult Children of Parental Alienation. There are probably more resources out there, but I've read all of these and can vouch for their helpfulness. If nothing else, at least you can feel reassured that you're not alone.

>This psychologist has appeared to be unsupportive of my partner or rather, doesn't understand the situation and keeps putting her foot in it.

At the next court date, request a new shrink. Bring documentation showing all the stuff you're talking about to prove why you want a new shrink. Or, request a hearing specifically to get a new shrink. If there's anyone you need as your advocate, it's the court-appointed psychologist.

>The police showed up and were friendly and supportive, told the eldest to do his homework and left the kids with us.

That's right! Because what biomom was trying to do is ILLEGAL. A custody order is a binding legal document. Any time the biomom refuses visitation or picks the kids up early, she's in contempt of your custody agreement. You can file contempt charges on her whenever you wish. That'll get you a hearing scheduled, at which time you can present all the evidence. If you're serious about getting those kids and getting their mom to follow the rules, I'd say to file contempt every damned time she withholds visitation. The paper trail can only help you.

>The two eldest who were with us were quite upset and stressed and I didn't know how to explain it to them so I said their parents both want the best for them but they don't agree on how to do this and that it is not their fault, they don't have to choose and it is just between their parents.

That's the perfect, perfect explanation. Your instincts are awesome. Just hang in there and keep fighting the good fight. Remember that kids are more resilient than we could possibly imagine, and have faith that eventually the truth will come out. It's just a real sonofabitch in the meantime.

>I suggested as much at our joint counseling sessions and the counselor seemed to think that I was trying to shift blame.

That's unfortunate.

You are now learning how much society pushes co-parenting, no matter the circumstances. Newcomers like your girlfriend are convenient scapegoats for any conflict, since they are new on the scene. The popular culture opinion is that the relationship between the parents remain the central one in the parents' lives "for the good of the children." In reality, there has to be a shift where the focus of both parents is on the children, not one another. If just one parent refuses to do that, it isn't possible to co-parent and less-involved parenting becomes what is best for the children.

Many parents do make it work. Take a look around at the people who are parenting minors while not in a relationship and you will notice a pattern. Those who get along, even maintaining friendships, have had one or both move on with their lives and the ex/exes is/are able to accept this reality. Or neither has moved on with their lives and started a new relationship. If you have a situation like yours, where one of you is moving on and the other refuses to let go, having that ideal friendly co-parenting isn't going to be possible.

Even with counseling, co-parenting isn't possible if your view is toward separation and unemotional co-parenting and your ex's view is toward using parenting as a vehicle of continued control over you and your household. And if the counselor is working to keep the co-parenting relationship as the central relationship in your lives, then I think you may want to reconsider counseling. It's a great idea in theory; in the real world the conditions have to right for it to work.

You can't control your ex's choices and behavior, but you can adjust your your behavior to help create less conflict for your son's sake. To move forward, you may want to shift to parallel parenting with low contact.

/r/stepparents is a great resource for how to move forward with your relationship with a co-parent who won't let go. There are plenty of people (including myself) trying to co-parent or parallel parent with a high-conflict ex over there.

There is also a book (Custody Chaos, Personal Peace) which may help guide you from here.

Edited to add: Counseling for yourself is a great idea. I know that my SO had a grieving process to go through once the reality of his ex hit. He had so wanted to believe amicable co-parenting was possible, having held onto to the inherent security of that concept throughout the divorce process. Having to let go of hope that they could get along and place the kids first left him feeling alone and frightened. He was also extremely upset about his ex putting the children in the middle and, at times, hating him more than she loved them. It made him feel guilty that his kids had her as a mother, because he really got a taste of some of her ugly personality traits that he had been in denial about for many many years. There were some things that he needed to work through, and I imagine it's the same for you. Get yourself some support. (Make sure to ask any potential counselors about their experience working with blended families and high conflict exes. You'll need someone who understands all the complications.)