Reddit reviews Emotional Alchemy: How the Mind Can Heal the Heart

This sounds exactly like me.

I haven't been cheated on to the extent she has, but I have very similar issues. I was cheated on in my first relationship, though in a minor way, and it shattered my world. I forgave him and tried to move on, but it was clear that I couldn't trust him anymore, and so we ended it.

3 relationships later, I've found that every relationship I've been in since has been tainted with distrust. Relationship #2 I was paranoid about my bf's female friends, and I grew resentful. Relationship #3 I refused to trust my bf, but eventually was able to, only to be dumped, likely, I suspect, due to new women he was meeting. Relationship #3 made my demon come back in full force when my bf ignored me and spoke a lot to some other girl - I lashed out, cried, accused him, etc. It was by far the worst of my episodes. I learned to trust, but not fully. I keep a pinch of suspicion just to keep me safe, and numb myself to any sense of hurt.

But now, I think I've learned enough to fully trust the next one. How was I able to get over it, and how can you and your gf fight this beast?

The Girlfriend

Her problem is her lack of trust in others. This is something she needs to get over, and it's not easy AT ALL. For me, it's taken about 3 years, and that was over a minor cheating incident (hand holding, tbh, but I'm a hugely emotional person). It'll take a lot of effort, and a lot of courage, but if she really wants to have a healthy relationship with you, she'll need to do this. No exceptions.

Tools I've found useful for this are:

• Meditation - in my scariest episodes where I've assumed the worst and have been paranoid, resentful, accusatory, I've taken the time to stop and sit. I used to meditate for an hour a day. What ends up happening is this: you learn to calm yourself and identify which thoughts are coming from a source of fear, negativity, hurt. I was able to observe all the squabbling negative thoughts that buzzed like a city's neon lights in my brain, and recognize them for what they were: ways to defend myself from more pain. They were not coming from a place of love, but a place of hurt and defensiveness. I had no reason to assume the worst, but I did so because I automatically assumed men were dishonest and didn't truly like me. Upon reaching that point, I was able to say to myself, "these are just thoughts. they are not who I am. they come and go, and I am not attached to them. I will just observe them, and welcome them when they come, but not feed them fire. when they desire to go, I'll let them go." I think if your gf meditates, she'll be able to see where her thoughts are coming from and recognize that they're from her past, not from you, that she's attributing to the relationship the worst thoughts imaginable not because she believes them, but because she's become automated to do so. I'd highly recommend this book - it guided me through many of my schemas and taught me how to have compassion for myself and others. I think you'd probably benefit from reading it too - it's just all around good for everyone.
  
  
• Challenging schemas - this is touched upon in the book mentioned above, but in order for your gf to move on, she needs to stop jumping to conclusions and challenge her automated responses. She needs to rationally say to herself, "is there really anything for me to worry about? what signs do I see, and are they really reflective of bad behavior on my bf's part?" And she'll find that you are trustworthy. But she needs to recognize and appreciate the ways you've proven yourself worthy of her trust. She CANNOT just cling to her automatic response of fear. If she lets her emotions hijack her mind, then she's not in control. She's just a wreck and at the mercy to her past. She won't be able to decide her future. She NEEDS the rational part of her the most NOW. People think that being rational is cold, and while it can be for some situations, for things like these, it can be a great help, because the emotions are constantly negative, and for no good reason. SO, when you are out for a long time, or when you are late calling her, or whatever it might be, she needs to stop and not get pissed and paranoid. She needs to give you a chance. She needs to say "I'm not going to lash out. It's probably just fine." She can't act passive aggressive or make you feel guilty. It's completely unfair to you. At the same time, please be patient and understanding with her.
  
  
• Communication - she needs to share how she feels, as well. I've always found that working through the past is the best way for me to move on. She can talk to friends, to you, to family. Working through the emotions, processing them, crying, punching pillows, asking "why me?" are a part of this. You can't help her if she doesn't share the pain she's been through. She needs to open up to you, trust you, and have you listen so you can fully understand what's happened to her and show your sympathy. And when she needs something, she should tell you and not say "I don't know." She's probably saying she doesn't know because she doesn't want to have to force the relationship, to give you instructions and have you fulfill them like a robot. But at the same time, she can't expect you to know everything about what makes her feel better. She should thank you for the effort you put forth, at least. And she should be patient with herself and learn to love herself again, enough to realize she deserves someone good, someone who doesn't cheat, and that you are someone who could likely be that person.

Just the other day another user in this sub asked for advice about how to stop taking things personally or being over-sensitive. I feel like my response in support of her could be useful for you here, so I'm sharing that comment bellow. It might not be spot on, but I'm short on time atm and wanted to give you as much love as I could!

>Consider intentionally changing your mindset regarding criticism and it's buddy failure.

>I know that sounds flippant but hear me out. I can empathize with where you're coming from, and I want to lay out what worked for me without judgement toward you.

>Failure is a first step toward success. It's an essential step toward success, really. The only time failure is ever a bad thing is when you gain nothing from it and go nowhere with the lessons it's provided. We don't learn or grow half as much from our wins are we do from our loses. Fail often, and shamelessly, own it and be proud of it (when appropriate lol).

>Have faith in yourself. Believe in yourself and your ability to know who you are now and who you want to be going forward. Know that you have the power to observe the ways in which you struggle, learn from those observations, and make efforts to grow and improve based off what you learn. Know that you really will be ok through all of this, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

>Develop your patience. Patience with others, but even more so with yourself. Be patient and loving with yourself. The self-critical voices in our heads can be outright abusive at times, and you don't deserve that from anyone, especially yourself. Be nice to yourself. Sometimes I step back and try to care for myself as if I were caring for a close friend, I list out what "she's" hurt by and give her the support I think that person needs. It's really helped me realize how unconsciously harsh I can be to myself.

>"Always do the best you can with what you've got."

>When you know that, despite limited resources or experience or skill, you are always doing your best to apply what you do have as well as possible, then you can take confidence and security in fending off unfair or irrational criticism of others.

>It's all we can ever really expect of anyone, that they do the best they can with what they've got. And most people genuinely try. Some are just winging it though, and sometimes even the best of us struggle or fumble or just get lazy. And it's ok.

>You're ok.

>I believe in you. You can do the thing and be the person!

>Also, love your username-- the more we break and rebuild, the more beautiful we become. <3

We're all just doing the best we can with what we have, we're all struggling with something. I can't preach the values of patience enough. When I set my intention to become more patient with others I had to become more patient with myself as well. In becoming more patient with myself I began dismantling all these subconscious ways I would abuse myself emotionally, and each small step of that built up my confidence and my love for myself.

At one point I just dropped all pretense and shame and began to view my inner self as a literal child, an innocent, an emotional entity in need of guidance and support. No one understands your heart and mind as you can, and therefor no one can give you what you need as you can. And you deserve that love and support.

In another comment you mention "looking for coping skills, and ways to redirect my negative thoughts and keep myself moving forward,"...

...so for reading, I suggest the book Emotional Alchemy: How the Mind Can Heal the Heart. I love every single thing about that book, cannot recommend it enough. The author blends Buddhist mindfulness with Western psychology in a very approachable way. It's lessons on equanimity changed so much for me.

>Bennett-Goleman, a psychotherapist and longtime student of Buddhist meditation, draws on decades of experience to elucidate how the Buddhist practices of nonjudgmental awareness or mindfulness and the cultivation of compassion can unclasp the grip of the most addictive and deeply entrenched emotional patterns. ... she shows readers how our habitual fears and defenses get triggered again and again in our relationships, mechanically perpetuating old pain and obscuring reality.

<3 Best of luck and love to you. I believe in you. Keep on loving yourself! <3