Reddit Reddit reviews Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives

We found 9 Reddit comments about Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

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Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives
Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives
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9 Reddit comments about Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives:

u/arithmetok · 10 pointsr/CPTSD

Hey, it’s fucking bullshit that cost is a factor when we’re facing a life-threatening injury. It’s bullshit that you have to figure out how to do this on your own. However, I know that you can do this. You’re already doing it — asking for help is the first step. Allow me to believe this for you until you can believe it yourself.

I have had unearned privilege that granted me immoral access to resources, some quite expensive or even elite, and I’ve worked my ass off, and I am living a meaningful life worth living.

However, I hope you find it encouraging that I made the most progress in reparenting myself using books that you might even be able to get at the library.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving — Pete Walker

Codependent No More — Melody Beattie

Codependent No More WORKBOOK — Melody Beattie

Facing Codependence — Pia Mellody

Breaking Free WORKBOOK - Pia Mellody

Codependent behaviors and motivations overlap significantly with CPTSD, and codependency can be at the root of all kinds of trauma responses (freeze, fawn, fight, flight). So, strategies developed for codependence often include an element of reparenting, inner child work, etc.

I found going to co dependents anonymous meetings to be another cost-effective resource. (Usually suggested donation of $2, only if you have it.) Being around other people openly struggling towards healthy and loving relationships with themselves helped mitigate the shame I felt.

One important step in the process that I think it’s easy to skip over is giving thought about what kind of parent you are using to parent yourself? What are their qualities? Things like ‘patient, quiet, attentive, sober’ might come up.

Then, when you’re in need of reparenting,
You can ask yourself ‘how would a parent with the qualities I chose respond to me right now?’

It’s important that you’re activating your imagination in the reparenting process — try not to think of your ideal parent as the opposite of your actual parent. You’re trying to open up the brain to accepting a new idea — putting a splint on the trauma injury — so it’s not helpful to remind it of past patterns when you’re trying to write new ones.

I hope that made sense! Feel free to ask clarifying questions.

u/Carobu · 9 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but if you're in pre-martial counseling, not getting along at all, and both have infidelity issues, why on Earth do you think this relationship is going to work at all?

If a person cheats once, they almost always do again, and if BOTH of you have cheated, odds are pretty damned good both of you will again. This relationship is toxic, and every time you two have sex, or masturbate to each other (likely more you than him at this point I suppose), you're blinding your logic with hormones and dopamine. Why on Earth would you expect that if you've repeatedly asked him to change, and work on his issues, and he never does, would you think it's ever going to turn out any difference? You're doing the same action over, and over, and over, and expecting a different result. That's insanity, literally.

If he wants to actually start showing progress that he's working through his issues, and you're both willing to accept each other as flawed individuals, perhaps things can work. But right now, you're both following a clearly cyclical pattern that is helping neither of you, and is detrimental to you both. You'll be bringing your child up in a world where neither parent is happy, and as a child, you'll be essentially both filling it's life with negativity and unhappiness, as a child is unable to differentiate his/her problems from that of their parents often.

Your value and worth are not determined by if your husband will fuck you, if you're in a relationship, if you can make your husband desire you. Your value and worth come from you and to A.) let him treat you like this, you're enabling the problem to continue, damaging your own self-worth as there's not healthy boundaries in your relationship and B.) Refuse to leave the relationship, you're staying in a toxic environment, filling yourself, AND him, with more of each other's venom. Both of you need to step back, get your heads on straight, and re-evaluate what the hell you want in a relationship, because right now, neither of you want what you have, and it sounds like both of you are just too scared to leave it.

Step back, revaluate, do not have sex, take some time to literally have no contact. Seriously, a week or two, probably more in all honesty, I'd say have no physical contact for like a month while he gets help, and you take a serious reality check on your life, your child’s, and what you need and want as a person.

Pickup this book, both of you, and read it:

http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codependence-Where-Comes-Sabotages/dp/0062505890/ref=sr_sp-atf_title_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370539509&sr=8-1&keywords=facing+codependce

You should probably also pickup in that break and read this:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Intimacy-Factor-Overcoming-Obstacles/dp/0060095806/ref=pd_sim_b_3 These two are by the same author, and have a lot of similar points, but I think it's important you understand how a healthy relationship works, and your husband, but while you're studying on this.

HE should take a look at this: http://www.amazon.com/Porn-Trap-Essential-Overcoming-Pornography/dp/0061231878/ref=sr_sp-atf_title_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1370539632&sr=1-1&keywords=The+porn+trap


If each of you reads through, comprehends these, takes a break, and really looks at how the two of you have been acting, you might have a chance at patching things up. But as of right now, GET OUT. STOP what you're doing, and both of you clear your heads.

u/ComplexFUBAR · 7 pointsr/CPTSD

I went to a trauma therapist whose main focus was Somatic Experiencing. She said she was also trained for talk therapy but it was not her strength. Everytime I needed to talk about something she would always bring it back to the body sensations. I saw her almost weekly for a year. This helped my nervous system quite a bit. And provided me with a few coping tools regarding my nervous system.

 

At the same time I started to also see a traditional talk therapist. She was great at making me feel better during the sessions, but I never felt like any past stuff was getting resolved. I felt like I could just talk about my problems forever going round and round in circles.

 

I now see a trauma therapist who does Somatic Experiencing and talk therapy combined. She does bodywork on the table; brainspotting and her talk therapy is centered around the book [Facing Codependence] (https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codependence-Where-Comes-Sabotages/dp/0062505890). (Truth be told I was kinda annoyed when she asked me to read this when I first started with her. Like "but I'm not even codependent, can't we just focus on the developmental trauma?".) Turns out codependent doesn't exactly mean what I thought it was and I'm getting a lot out of the book and her style.

 

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention my Neurofeedback therapy as well. This calmed my brain activity down quite a bit. I no longer experience the "I'm constantly in life or death danger" feeling. Once my brain activity calmed down, my anxiety dropped and I was able to get good quality sleep at night. I started this in September and am still going.

u/Krysmphoenix · 3 pointsr/polyamory

So I'm going to toss this here, as a friend confronted me about some codependency issues I was having (outside of polyamory), and it helped push everything into a framework with vocabulary that's helped a ton.

https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codependence-Where-Comes-Sabotages/dp/0062505890

Something big to take away is that people very rarely hurt other people on purpose. Most people are understanding and can be reasoned with, including your partner and his other partners. It's totally acceptable to want to sit down with them to clear things up and make sure you're all on the same page.

u/hyperrreal · 3 pointsr/PurplePillDebate

>I agree with you here. So does this mean you disagree with TRP's stance on this topic?

I've never been one for towing the party line.

> Interesting. I still don't really get it honestly. women are emotionally trained to place responsibility for their feelings onto their partners? What does this mean, and what leads you to believe that?

There are 2 parts to this. One is well explained by Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langley, and is also it's a common criticism feminism makes of popular culture. Society conditions women that marriage or a relationship with a man will make them happy. That they need to find the right guy who will complete them (the implication that without a man they are incomplete). This is bullshit of course, no one can make anyone else happy. You have to learn to be happy yourself.

The second part is that while society conditions men to be stoic (avoid and suppress their feelings) girls are taught to over identify with them. Women who aren't emotionally whole often surrender to their feelings, rather than simply accept them, while understanding the distinction between their being and what they feeling in any given moment.

TRP accurately observes that women end marriages (and probably relationships) more than men, but concludes falsely that this is because women cannot love the way men can. In reality, it's the combination of what I described above. Women enter into relationships thinking that will magically make them happy and they will feel whole and complete and loved. When this doesn't happen because it was never realistic to begin with, they begin to feel sad, anxious, and often angry. While a man would probably bury these emotions until he explodes (or becomes depressed) women both act on them and blame their partners due to how they have been emotionally conditioned.

>There is an huge amount of psychological evidence to support this assertion, and anyone who has spent any time working on emotional healing and therapy will quickly see that I am correct.

Here are some links, but these are books not easily digestible articles. The important thing to understand is that core emotional problems are the same amongst all people. It's the external expression of that pain that is often gendered. Reading about the difference between NPD and BPD will shed some let on this.

Women's Infidelity

Facing Co-Dependence

The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion

Healing the Shame that Binds You

Healing Your Aloneness

Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Towards Self-Realization

>I don't really see what this has to do with gender. Both partners need to feel that expression of love. Dread Game actually seems to be based around purposely withdrawing love and affection, which seems irreconcilable with the idea of unconditional love.

What tends to be gendered is the preferred expression of love (love language). Different people need and express love differently, and sometimes couples don't have compatible styles of showing affection. In cases where one partner will not work on the issue, that partner is withdrawing their love. I agree that dread game is not compatible with unconditional love, and I don' think I ever said it was compatible.

u/shazbot996 · 2 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codependence-Where-Comes-Sabotages/dp/0062505890

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Discovering my codependence. Changed everything for me. I was a doormat for 20 years.

u/not-moses · 1 pointr/Codependency

Codependents Anonymous has a green workbook, albeit one that doesn't greatly impress me because one almost has to have a recovery-experienced sponsor with several years in the program to help them through the thing. (Not the worst thing that could happen if one likes to write essay after essay, because that's how CoDA's workbook works.)

Pia Mellody's workbook is more accessible, IMO, especially if one reads her Facing Codependence first.

u/monochillz · 1 pointr/dating_advice

Here are tools. First, it's important to know that full/viable relationships have 5 stages and you're not getting past the first stage of infatuation. Read link 1.

Then, it's clear this is a pattern of a person who is Avoidance Codependent in relationship addiction. Read link 2.

Now, that you've learned how a full relationship grows and your pattern in avoidance in relationships; you must get to the root of your codependency and emotional unavailablity. Read link 3.

When you do all of your work, since you're starting earlier than me (congratulations). Enjoy the rest of your twenties and meet someone who shares your values with love, care, trust and respect. Link 4.

1: http://www.agape-aid.org/saveamarriage/relationshipstages.php

2:
Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062506048/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_CFgACbSJFQEPJ

3.
Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062505890/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_-FgACb1R6VGVR

4.
https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/build-trust/

Link for values:
https://scottjeffrey.com/personal-core-values/

u/brightemptyspace · 1 pointr/socialanxiety

I don't know if this will strike a chord, but maybe the topic of Codependency could shed some light. I mean, pretty much everyone worries about what other people think, but the framework of Codependency could offer some practical approaches of easing out of that mindset (the one where you kind of lose yourself in the sea of others' energy, and base your worth and your actions on the esteem/judgement of others.) The word 'codependency' is pretty lame to begin with, and it has also been kind of weirdly co-opted as term for a dysfunctional/needy relationship, but that's not quite reflective of the idea itself. Just tossing the thought out there, having read some books on the subject and finding certain ideas interesting and relevant to the struggle of having too much focus on others and having one's authentic self kind of squeezed out of the story. Good luck!