Reddit reviews Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce

1. You don't have to always be right.
   
2. If you do the small things that make her/him happy then you'll be happy.
   
3. Don't hold things in.
   
4. Put yourself in your SO's shoes and it becomes much easier to find compromise.
   Note: These all require equal participation.
   
   Edit: First, some of you have pointed some places where this stuff doesn't work. That's true. It doesn't always work, but I have had great success with these principals.
   
   Second, a couple of you asked how we figured this list out and agreed to it. We aren't that wise. We took a communication class and read a book before we got married. The book is Fighting for Your Marriage and it basically gives techniques for fighting and finding solutions. It's kind of silly in spots but it works really well and becomes less awkward as it is used more and more.

Don't do it. No matter how impartial you may be, one of them will end up resenting you. Tell them to see a professional counselor.

Edit: The AAMFT has a list of reputable therapists on thier website and you can search by area. Many will take sliding scale clients based on income.

If they want some help and don't want to see a counselor, I would advise them to read the book "Fighting for your Marriage" and see if that helps.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0470485914/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_JImlzbSP63Z8R

You haven't given us too many details, so I may be off base, but your problems sound like pretty standard communication problems younger people have in relationships.

I think if you both really give it an effort, counseling could really help.

Edit: This book really helped my wife and I with similar problems

http://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Marriage-Best-seller-Preventing/dp/0470485914

first, sympathies for you and your family in a terribly tough time.

second, i did browse through the comments, so hopefully this isnt too repetitive, but apologies if ive missed something and it is.

ok, on to the meat of what i want to say: i generally tend toward the perspective that, when in doubt (and obviously barring extreme cases, such as abuse, etc.), work toward maintaining family integrity. that said, when i took a marital communication course in undergrad, we read some articles that suggested that even in the absence of abuse, separation may, in fact, be a healthier choice for kids than parents staying together solely for the kids.

mark cummings at the u of notre dame studies this (his results have been cited in a relevant book that may be worth checking out ('fighting for your marriage' -- cant recommend this book enough (even for non-married folks, like roomies or folks having difficult interactions with co-workers)). its a collection of empirically-based (i recently bought the newest edition and can vouch for the substantial updating thats been done in comparison to the copy i bought back in college in the early 2000s :)) communication and conflict resolution techniques/ways of thinking about communication and relationships that might help you understand yourself and those around you better, and its pretty user-friendly (its almost too user-friendly, in that the writing style is supposed to be very accessible, and its accessible to the point of making you want to roll your eyes sometimes (but don't let that deter you)). its organized into sections about conflict resolution, how to enjoy each other, how to manage expectations, etc., so you can skip around and root out whats applicable to you, or just read it through in one shot. I've done both at various times :)).

it seems that data suggest that, depending on the context, it might be better for parents to dissolve their union than for the kids to live a live imbued with destructive conflict. (i mention destructive conflict particularly, because there is such a thing as constructive conflict, and i remember reading literature about how important it is for kids to witness their parents not only engaging in constructive conflict, but also making up. like, a pattern in a lot of households is that parents explode at each other and storm off to fight behind closed to doors to spare the kids, but then the kids don't get to witness the making up. its super-key to expose kids to that!) cummings wrote a book on the subject that looks interesting, but i haven't checked it out, so i can't vouch for it. its called 'marital conflict and children: an emotional security perspective.'

studies aside, at the end of the day, i would consider the idea that you and your wife each see an individual therapist, and after seeing your own therapists for a little bit, then also get a couples therapist to help you navigate the process of fleshing out your future in a positive way (whether its as a couple, or co-parents). these are complex issues that are rooted in both of your pasts, and it may help to unpack some of them with some professional guidance. most importantly, though, it seems that you may benefit from learning about how to communicate, which is absolutely something a good therapist can help you do. (i would check out a therapist with a cognitive-behavioral orientation, and tell them up-front that part of what you want is help/practice with communicating (communicating about difficult topics, in particular).)

once the path is clearer (or even right now, if you are seeing any signs that your kids are having trouble with this (cause kids are more observant/sensitive than we give them credit for)), you might want to also seek out a family therapist or group to help ensure that your kids are getting the support they need (since kids often dont/cant verbalize how they feel about these kids of things out of a lack of vocabulary, or fear of damaging the parental relationship further, etc.).

best!

tl;dr - sometimes staying together for the kids is not the best scenario for them. seek out therapists (for each spouse individually, also for the couple, possibly for the kids) for support + to learn how to resolve conflict and improve communication (regardless of whether you stay in the marriage or not. these skills will be vital to having a positive relationship with your kids).

Children and marital conflict: The impact of family dispute and resolution. Guilford series on social and emotional development. Cummings, E. Mark;Davies, Patrick. New York, NY, US: Guilford Press. (1994). xviii 195 pp.

Marital conflict and child adjustment: An emotional security hypothesis. Davies, Patrick T.; Cummings, E. Mark. Psychological Bulletin, Vol 116(3), Nov 1994, 387-411.

version i loved in college: http://www.amazon.com/FIGHTING-YOUR-MARRIAGE-PREVENTING-PRESERVING/dp/0787957445

most recent edition: http://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Marriage-Best-seller-Preventing/dp/0470485914/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

Buy this book: http://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Marriage-Best-seller-Preventing/dp/0470485914/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375484589&sr=8-1&keywords=fighting+for+your+marriage.

Read it. Do what it says.

Have you considered going to couples therapy?

I think that the next time she tells you something like she feels like she's putting in 100% of the work you could just tell her that you want to be a better partner for her, maybe you could do therapy together to be sure that you properly address her concerns.

You can go with "Obviously I'm just not understanding, but I would like to and I think this would help us communicate about what you want from our relationship."

(You have your own problems but suggesting going to therapy isn't a good time to bring up your problems lol.)

You could also consider reading the 5 Love Langauges, maybe somehow you're just not expressing to her in a way she resonates with: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2OGN6I57BGLOY&keywords=5+love+languages+by+gary+chapman&qid=1557866049&s=books&sprefix=5+love+%2Cstripbooks%2C161&sr=1-1

There's also a free quiz you can both take: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ (IMO you can learn just as much to imrpove your relationship from both taking the quiz, both reading about the different styles of love languages conceptually, and both committing to knowing each other's primary languages AND your own.)

I haven't read this book, but a mentor of mine says it saved her marriage: https://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Marriage-Best-seller-Preventing/dp/0470485914