Reddit reviews Getting More: How You Can Negotiate to Succeed in Work and Life

You need to read Getting More.

My neighbors live by the philospohy of this book, and they get all kinds of free shit and upgrades like you wouldn't believe. I've started trying to adopt it and I'm seeing results too.

It's a game of averages, though - you never get something if you don't ask, but when you do ask, you get something maybe 1/3 of the time.

You seem like a bro so I will tell you the secret to marriage mishaps. I do not bother telling this to non-bros, so use this information wisely, because most men will never have it, and even fewer will use it (to their own detriment):


Marriages fail because people don't know enough about emotion. I have been with a number of married women, and I witnessed my own parent's marriage fall apart when I was young. Relationships all come down to knowing how to give people specific emotional experiences. People who are successful don't say, "I am going to give this person this emotional experience." If they are happy (some couples aren't but stay together anyway, usually for religious reasons) it is natural for them in their relationship to do so.


Let me give you an example:


Sending flowers. Doing that in and of itself means nothing. If you send flowers too often, or don't put any thought into when you send them, people will not care. Also, you have to send them in such a way that the person will not be annoyed. Let's say your wife works long hours and is a cashier at Walmart; getting flowers at work might actually be annoying for her. For one thing, she'd have to be called away from her job to receive the flowers, then she'd have no where to put them. But let's say she works in an office; if she was having a rough time for some reason and she got a bunch of flowers there, not only would she feel happy about the flowers, she would feel even better than usual because all of her office buddies would be like "Awwwww! I wish I got flowers!" so it would make what you do seem even more special.


Some people would know that intuitively, and those people would be successful without ever trying to give a specific emotional experience. But actually knowing the function behind it gives you an advantage, and I think happy people have guessed something similar to that. It's likely their parents taught them, through the kids observing how their parents treat each other.


So how does that apply to you?


You didn't know this so it's not your fault, no one tells you this stuff, but she was getting emotional experiences from fake people in books, because she wasn't getting them from you. She would have rather had them from you, but didn't get them. BUT that doesn't mean it's all your fault. Maybe she didn't know how to give consistent, positive emotional experiences either. And chances are you both had a bit of communication problems (something else no one teaches you but that successful people pick up from their parents). When you think about it, how are two people going to work out when A) they don't think about their partner's emotional experience and how to change it from negative to positive, and B) they aren't amazing communicators. I think it's important to realize that if one person in a relationship is a good communicator, then both people will soon be good communicators. Good communicators give other people the tools they need to communicate effectively; that's why when you talk to someone who seems like a brilliant speaker, you always have a lot to say back to them. But at the same time, if you talk to someone who doesn't communicate well, it's a dance to see who acknowledges how awkward the conversation becomes first and then you just go along your way and try to forget the conversation. If you want to be a great communicator, I would highly recommend this book:


http://www.amazon.com/Getting-More-Negotiate-Succeed-Work/dp/0307716902/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1394690301&sr=8-1&keywords=getting+more


It is a book on negotiation, but it covers everything from emotional subjectivity (emotional payments) to learning how to change people's perspectives, and a lot of other stuff (and teaches to negotiate, which is great for your personal and business life). The book is brilliant, but is it one of those books you can't just read, you HAVE to apply it, and the books mentions that itself.


Creating emotion also applies to sex; your ex didn’t want a mystery guy from a romance novel; she wanted a feeling. Once you recognize how she wants to feel (loved, dominated, excited, happy, embarrassed, unique, or maybe a combination of excited and dominated, etc etc) there are a zillion ways to make her feel that way, so you can choose one that doesn’t make you feel like you’re a tool. For example, I am not a huge fan of candles and rose petals, but I am a great cook and don’t mind setting up a fancy as fuuuck dinner, so I don’t mind using that to take a girl’s mind off of work, get her attention onto me, and then get her into the kind of mood I want her in (excited, sexy, etc etc).

So while the previous marriage may have been a loss, at least you've got something to come away with. This is a bit heartless sounding, like "Really? Create an 'emotional experience'? Isn't that manipulation? Sounds like some bullshit." Well, people manipulate each other whether they realize it or not. It is not a question of if, it is a question of successful implementation; that is, are either of you getting what you actually want? You don't have to know about creating emotional experiences to put someone in a bad or good mood; it happens anyway and you can and do have something to do with it. Denying it is just denying responsibility and losing out on a MAJOR opportunity. Are you giving the person you want to be with what they need? Are they giving you what you need? etc etc.


Sorry for the long post, hope it had something helpful in there. I hate talking about this but it is why I talk about it at all. I had always dated but I was usually more concerned with sex. I didn't really think about the mechanics of what works and why, I just knew how it worked because I've literally read hundreds of women's sexual fantasies. The kind of things women like to hear, etc etc. I was normal about the actual relationship. Took people for granted, wasn't rude or anything just didn't go out of my way, and that lead to negative feelings and arguments later, and arguments are never good for anyone. Well the ex I was talking about I really cared about but, like the other people I just got too comfortable. I wasn't really thinking about how she actually felt, just kinda trucking along and seeing each other when possible. We started bickering a bit and what have you and I was like "sigh," like being with her wasn't even neutral anymore it was becoming kind of negative, but she was also crying a lot which I tried to comfort her then because I hate seeing people crying, but when it came to day-to-day life I just did the same old shit. I really do not like thinking about it now but looking back I feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. I would always say the normal shit to myself like "I'm not DOING anything!!! What does she want!?" but the problem was, I didn't ACTUALLY care because I didn't actually look and try to find what she was really after. It was more a rhetorical question to vent frustration. Everyone wants the same thing, you don't have to ask. They want to feel happy, but I was too busy being self-righteous. it is hard to even type this now, i don't want to go into detail but now my ex has scars on her wrist. We were basically separated but not "officially separated" when it happened, and the thing is, I was still too stupid to figure it out, I was more like "why?" well it is fucking obvious, she was miserable, but again there I was just fucking things up more, trying to make her feel better (too late for that from me at that point, and i didn't even really know how to do it in that situation because I never thought about it and hadn't figured shit out yet), and asking the "whys" and the "hows" and guh. My mom and friend said the usual "it's not your fault, she had to have had some serious trouble" that kinda shit. And all of that is true; it wasn't actually my fault, I never abused her, I was just in a normal relationship. but there is also someone I was with who has scars on her wrist now, like there is a person alive out there who maybe (I don't know, but I will always wonder "if") I could have done something for. She was never a raging psycho, just a mostly really nice, quiet girl who I started to have verbal bouts with because she stopped relating to and understanding each other. That was what I THOUGHT, and even looking back at it, that is why it bothers me. She was so normal and I never saw it coming. So the excuse it, "well, if she had shown any signs, I could have helped her." But there WAS NO SIGNS and now she's got those permanent reminders, and to her it is probably like "what did I do?" but to me it's "what COULD I have done?" Like, looking back (and forward) now, I think you gotta be fuckin transcendent; normal isn't okay for me anymore. I am pretty sure this "if" is gonna stay with me til I die, and it's not because I DID something, it's I because DIDN'T, and I'll never know if I could have now.


Anyway I am gonna go drink til I pass out now, good luck in your future endeavors.

Check out this book https://www.amazon.com/Getting-More-Negotiate-Succeed-Work/dp/0307716902