Reddit reviews Grammar Rules!, Grades 1 - 2: High-Interest Activities for Practice and Mastery of Basic Grammar Skills (Skills for Success)

He's trying to be cutesy but it's coming off way weird.

When I received these I would critique their form. (Helps that I'm published. Gives it that extra oomph.) I know you don't have time (hello, baby!) but if you felt like giving it a whirl, it's a fun exercise. Make it as dry and pedantic as possible. These type of people pride themselves on their writing skill and tearing that apart is going to give him pause when being "random" at others in the future. At the very least it will convince him to be more precise in how he uses this particular scattershot approach.

For example:

>>There I was, on the field of battle. With my cat in hand and one majestic arm raised to the sky, I said. This is my land, this is my home.

The response:
No, no, no. A comma splice in your first line is terrible creative writing form. While I understand you were attempting to grab attention, breaking rules in the first line sets the reader up to expect awful flow throughout the rest of your message. Furthermore, your setup is unclear. WHY are you on the field of battle? WHERE in the field of battle were you? WHY is there a battle raging in the first place? Also, while "field of battle" is an acceptable way to place setting, what KIND of battle is it? "Field of battle" is a rather generic phrase. I'd even go so far as to claim that it is trite. Poor writing. Fix.

You state that you have a cat in one hand and an arm upraised. While I personally understand that you are most likely going for a one-arm-up-kitty-in-opposite-hand snapshot this image is still unclear and undefined. For example, a lesser context-clue seeking reader might assume that you are wielding a cat. If so, you wouldn't have the opportunity to be propositioning me as you'd either have a handful of dead feline (disgusting) or your cat would be frantically attempting to claw/bite your hand/arm off for holding it aloft during a conflict previously described as a "battle". Likewise, WHAT makes your arm majestic? Am I, the reader, supposed to take it on faith that your arm is majestic? What constitutes majestic? Is it particularly glittery? Sweaty? Smooth-shaven and now covered in seeping cat scratches due to your irresponsible waving about of felines? This is unclear. Fix.

You lack proper grammatical structure for speech. You are missing quotation marks, have poorly placed commas, and have used a period where a comma is needed. Please go to Amazon and purchase this book (http://www.amazon.com/Grammar-Rules-Grades-High-Interest-Activities/dp/0887249752/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1409156541&sr=8-5&keywords=rules+of+grammar) which I believe you will find an acceptable primer in basic sentence structure. Unacceptable, providing that you are older than eight. Fix.

Why should it matter to me that this is your land or your home? This statement used as a greeting is a non sequitur and highly nonsensical in this particular setting. If a battle is raging around you then positioning yourself to be a larger target (holding up your arm, bringing attention to yourself by displaying an irate cat) would get you killed quite quickly. Furthermore, you've used another comma splice. Two in one paragraph is not poetic, it shows poor grasp of the English language. I am singularly unimpressed.

Overall grade for your first paragraph: F