Reddit reviews Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma

> but after an "incident" where one of her close (male friends), made unwanted sexual advances at her, she's completely shut down sexually.

She should be seeing a therapist who specializes in helping people recover from sexual trauma.

Healing from trauma like she experienced is possible, but she needs help.

Is this person still part of her/your social circle?

I often recommend these resources here, because they are so good:

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz

Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines

The literature suggests that it is exactly that - being in a good place and a secure/healthy relationship - that is allowing you to deal with the sexual impacts of the trauma now. Embrace it, its a good sign, I think.

As others have, I strongly recommend enlisting the help of a therapist as soon as you can deal with it financially. If you're going to go it alone, I'd recommend the following additions to your library:

Amazon: The Body Keeps the Score

Amazon: The Courage to Heal

Amazon: Healing Sex

This might seem inapplicable to you at first but I recommend looking into resources for survivors of sexual abuse.

1. What TSCC does can qualify as sexual abuse even if no one touches you (only you can decide if this applies in your case of course) because of the environment of coercive social control, invasion of sexual privacy, intense shame, etc; especially the worthiness interviews many of us were subjected to as minors. Abuse is, after all, fundamentally about the exercise of power to control others.
   
2. Even if you decide it wasn't a type of sexual abuse for you, some things your sexual problems will possibly have in common with abuse survivors is toxic shame about sexuality, your natural & healthy desires, your body, your right to pleasure, etc so you're likely to find a lot of helpful stuff in those resources, even if some of it doesn't apply. I wish I knew of resources directed specifically at sexual problems caused by cultic religious abuse; please let me know if you come across any!
   
   
   Here's my two of favourite books about it [1] [2]. They both contain very practical guidance about how to work through shame, reclaim bodily autonomy, start experiencing sex as a positive experience instead of painful or anxiety-provoking, etc. If that doesn't seem relevant, I found another book that seems more general but I can't vouch for it. I also highly recommend seeking a therapist who specializes in these subjects if self-help doesn't get you to where you need to go. I wish you good luck and lots of pleasure and joy <3 :D

I've worked professionally with healing sexual trauma and I recommend that your wife check out the book Healing Sex by Staci Haines. It's practical and it doesn't rush the reader. I've even recommended it to people who've never had sex. Best of luck you guys.

This is the most helpful thing I can think of for her or for you

Seriously, even if you don't end up dating her, I would get her that book - check it out of the library if you are poor. Know that you are asking the right questions. Only she can give you real answers, though, and you are right to be skeptical since you just started dating.

My advice is to go really slowly. Let her lead your sex life, particularly at first, and communicate often. You should know what her triggers are before you start sexin. For example, one of my triggers is sex while I'm sleeping, since that viscerally reminds me of abuse. So partners are not allowed to wake me up with sex. if she doesn't know her triggers, she's not ready to be in a relationship yet. Which is totally fine.

I would also suggest being really open to what counts as "sex." She might not want to give or receive oral sex, or penetration might be too traumatic. Again, these are conversations you should have with her before you have sex and after you get to know her more.

Whoops, for some reason I missed the 2nd half of your comment!

You do sound pretty awesome, I meant it.

Relevant passages that come to my mind are from this book, which is actually geared toward survivors of childhood sexual abuse, so probably very different than what your girlfriend is going through, but it has a chapter for partners that is relevant nonetheless:

>When you are with someone healing from abuse, her pain will come out around you and at you. You can count on it. [...] Even if something you said or did triggered her, the feelings that emerged were there, waiting to come out. They were her feelings. Understandably, you don't want your lover to be in emotional pain. The pain of recovery is essential to healing, though. You can't heal without feeling the emotions associated with the trauma. [...] Even in her moments of greatest emotional turmoil, don't overlook her courage and empowerment. Treat her with care and dignity. Avoiding triggers is not any healthier for you than it is for her! You can support your lover, but you can't fix her or make the effects of the abuse go away. Over and over again, I have heard survivors say that what they want most is a witness, someone who is willing and able to sit with them in their story. If you can offer this, you are giving your partner a priceless gift."

>"You are not a savior, and your lover is not a patient. [...] The truth is, you are both incredibly courageous to be engaging in the healing of abuse. So many survivors and partners stay in denial about it instead. Acknowledge yourselves and each other for this. [...] Tell each other regularly what you appreciate about the other. Talk about the wholeness, vulnerability, and innate sense of power or wisdom you see in each other. Give yourself lots of kudos for hanging in there. No patients or saviors are needed here."

I think the best place to begin is to take things one step at a time. Be good to her, let her know that if she needs to talk that you're there, and voice your concerns (using caring, positive language) when you're uncomfortable or scared for her. And kudos to you for sticking by someone you care about.

I've had a few adverse sexual experiences, including prolonged sexual abuse by a family friend between ages 8 and 10, and being raped several times as a teenager. I was also abused, physically mentally and sexually, in my late teens/early 20s by my long term boyfriend. I've been in therapy for a long time, and I've found recovery from the abuse inflicted by my ex has been the most difficult to get over, especially in the context of my current relationship.
I had minimized his abuse for years, thinking maybe I was overly sensitive about it because of my past. It took me a long time to finally take ownership of what he had done, and the effect it had on me. There were a lot of feelings of guilt and shame on my part for continuing the relationship-because like most DV situations it was more complex than being afraid to leave him, especially in the beginning. I genuinely did love him and was sexually attracted to him most of the time, so I had a hard time squaring that with the terror and humiliation I felt when he would get abusive. He was also uncircumcised and had a tendency to act out when he was depressed and on a binge, so his hygiene would be sub par. That definitely added to the overall unpleasantness of the experience.

I've actually found some degree if healing in my current relationship through D/s. It's too early to say for sure how well it will work, but I trust my current partner wholly and completely, and I know he would never actually hurt me. I started having fantasies about him tying me up and completely dominating me pretty early on and didn't think it was healthy-but the more I've read on the subject the more I've come to understand why, and that has changed my perspective. Basically submission is built on the foundation of consent and absolute trust-and if done right, the submissive partner has control. I know I can stop what's happening by uttering a single word. It's actually liberating and has helped me immensely in getting over my lingering intimacy issues. Ironically I used to hate going down on guys because of my past experiences, much like your wife, but now it actually turns me on pretty much more than any other sexual act. I can't really explain why, but I'm certainly not complaining about it and lord knows my boyfriend isn't either :-) Granted it's not for everyone, but worth exploring IMO. It helps a lot of sexual abuse and rape survivors from what I've read, so it's not just me.
Edit-wanted to include a link to this book also. I highly recommend it for both you and your wife:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1573442933/ref=pd_aw_sim_b_4?pi=SL500_SY115

Good luck!

I don't know that I'm navigating life all that well, but some little things have helped and why not share with the class? I think I have underlying mental health issues (depression, anxiety) worsened by trauma (rape, attempted rape which morphed into PTSD, I think) and a narcissistic dad.

• Books! I read so much about this stuff. I actually find therapists really terrible, because I can tell I'm more well-versed than them. Which sounds snotty, but I think I've had bad luck and, like, what am I paying you for if I can tell you're
  Here are a few helpful ones:
  Sexual healing, literally https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730
  https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933/
  PTSD and trauma: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/
  Shitty men: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/
  Shitty parents: https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/r
  https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/
  A Buddhist reminder that to live is to suffer: https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Anniversary/dp/1611803438
  Brene Brown, duh: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Vulnerability-Teachings-Authenticity-Connection/dp/1604078588
  (All the eating disorder books I read have been useless, and I am probably depressed and I'm certainly anxious but the literature on that never quite fits.)
  
  
• Learning to stand up for myself has been huge, but lately it has really kicked into high gear and it has involved lots of screaming. I'm really nice and polite and if I get ignored too much when I need to not be ignored, I melt down and scream. Usually the object of my screaming deserves it 100%, but I'm hoping this is just a phase because it wears me out and I feel like I'll get put in an institution one day, even though the episode never lasts more than a couple hours. I got stalked and cornered in a parking lot once, and men who come too close and don't listen to my polite, repeated requests to back off, well, they get an earful. I've had a lifetime of feeling unheard and abused, so I don't feel a ton of shame about it. I'm trying to find other productive ways, but, man, this world sucks and sometimes screaming feels like the most rational thing. (To be clear, I do this, like, once every three months max!)
  
  
• I wrote a letter to my dad once, telling him I hated all the shitty things he did to me and I cut him out of my life. Probably the best decision of my life. I did it thinking I just needed a little break, but almost eight years later, it feels pretty permanent and like it's given me the space I need to truly heal. Cut off your toxic relationships if you can!
  
  
• Venting helps immensely, whether with my friends, my mom, my journal or a therapist. I told a therapist that the main reason I found her helpful was because she was a neutral third party who had to listen to me and she got really offended. But it's true! Most of my therapists have not been able to be much more than a sounding board. I am open-minded, but their ideas were either useless or offensive. The ideas I found in books were so much more helpful (like the writing my dad a letter thing was right out of the Toxic Parents playbook! No therapist ever suggested any of that!)
  
  
• Weed is the only thing that truly helps me come down when I'm majorly triggered or anxious (ie when I have a screamy day), but Ativan isn't bad either.
  
  
• For anxiety, I do better if I've had 7 hours of sleep, no caffeine and as little sugar as possible. I always feel best if I hike, bike, run, elliptical, lift weights and swim. Being worn out keeps the anxiety at bay and I sleep better.
  
  
• I watch a lot of TV and spend a lot of time on the internet. It's a distraction and I don't find it terribly healthy or productive, and I'd usually rather be doing something else. But I get really anxious if I'm alone with my thoughts and it helps.
  
  
• I still haven't figured out if I'm an introvert or extravert and maybe it's dumb to care about, but if I'm around chill people, I tend to do much better. I read and write a lot and am shy and introspective, and I used to prefer being alone, which I guess would make me an introvert. But I've been very PTSDy lately, and having friends and family around me is a good distraction, I feel much safer and I seem fine enough that no one ever seems to comprehend how I could end up in a psych ward out of the blue one day. The thing is hanging out with friends requires money and I don't have a job because of my PTSD, so I feel myself sliding downhill. I wish I had money just so I could cook for my friends all the time or go out to dinner and drinks regularly. I get anxious about being a fucking mooch all the time :/
  
  Okay, that's prob good, right?

thankfully i’ve been seeing my therapist for a few years and she’s seen me through all of this. i didn’t have a session this week but i’ll bring this up next week.

other things besides PIV intimacy are good. i have been trying to do that because i think penetration is a huge stressor on me. unfortunately it’s also just being sexualized in general that’s bothering me too which is complicating all of this. but i’m definitely trying to do some smaller things to reassure both me and my bf.

i’m relieved i’m not alone but i’m sorry you’re having a similar experience. someone recommended me this book. i haven’t read it yet but maybe it’ll be helpful to you too- https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933

I feel the EXACT same way right now. You're not alone.

Someone recommended me this book called Healing Sex but I haven't read it yet... maybe it's helpful for you too.

Following this thread.

I highly recommend the book Healing Sex. I've read a lot of sexual assault/abuse survivor self-help books, but this is the only one that ever made me go "oh. fuck. that's exactly what I experience".

It's been just under two years since I got out of a horrible abusive relationship (as if there's any other kind). Your description of having sensations that vanish with proximity to your vagina sounds a lot like what I experience. I don't want to bullshit you and say everything is perfect now, but it is sooooooo much better. Two years ago, I basically never actually felt what was going on with my genitals. I could orgasm, but if I tried to pay attention to the physical sensations I came up with nothing. It was like answering the phone and there being silence on the other end.

>[B]uilding your tolerance for being in your body and experiencing physical pleasure is a central component of this healing. This is an intentional practice, especially in the beginning...
>—Staci Haines, Healing Sex

It turns out that what I was experiencing is called dissociation. My concept of dissociation had been limited to the extreme examples in the DSM, such as dissociative fugue. Because I'd never wandered off and forgotten my name, I didn't think of dissociation as consistent with my experience. In actuality, dissociation encompasses a huge range of experiences; persistent feelings of disconnection from one's body is one of them. (Lots of time at the library going "fuuuuuck... that's not normal???" has revealed that even more of my experiences than that are dissociative, but that would be a lengthy tangent. Anyone reading this, please PM if you want to talk further about dissociation!)

Using several of the techniques and exercises in Healing Sex, I started to be able to feel more sensation. Honestly, at first, this was terrifying as fuck. I dived in sort of all at once, and ended up having a severe flashback. After that, I slowed down and I also talked with my partner about what I had been discovering and what I strategies I was trying. As I had rudely learned the first time I tried it, actually feeling things in this traumatized area of my body was overwhelming (spoiler alert: that explains why I'd been unconsciously blocking it out for years). It took about six months to get to a place where I could consistently feel full genital sensations without getting flashbacks.

What I had the most difficulty with was continuing to tolerate sensations after I had finished the activities that caused them. Everything would feel amazing during sex, but when I would start to "come down" the lingering tingly sensations would turn menacing and trigger a flashback, which was especially hard to deal with while my brain wasn't quite clear yet. It was often really helpful to have my partner place their hand over my vulva and hold firm and still (because that kind of pressure was a familiar and nonthreatening feeling); we would stay cuddling like this until all of the other sensations had passed. Verbally describing the sensations also helped. And the simple reassurance that everything was safe was important.

Now, the post-orgasm high is my favorite part of sex. Of course I love the orgasms (and they've gotten better and better too!), but the sustained whole-body tingling and brain fogginess afterwards are utter bliss. I still usually need reassurance that I'm safe, but it is consistently completely effective. When I feel slivers of panic creeping in, I'll ask, "Are you sure it's safe?" or, "I'm so tingly. That's good, right?" and their confirmation is enough to let me sink back into making little happy noises. They usually offer proactive reassurances as well.

In the last year, I haven't had a single post-sex flashback. AND Feeling my entire body during sex is the norm. The journey has been hard, and during the six months of frequent flashbacks I often felt like I was losing ground, but it has been so worth it. Words couldn't do justice to how wonderful sex is now. I can have mind-blowing pleasure any time I want. Because, I almost forgot to mention, masturbating also feels fucking incredible. I used to be a maybe-once-a-month masturbator, and I usually ended up feeling like it had been a waste of effort anyway. Now I masturbate daily. I would go at it more than once a day, but the brain floatiness makes me useless for anything else, so I mostly stick to just evenings. ;)

I hope my story has served as some encouragement. Please feel free to contact me if you have any desire to. I'm wishing you all the best, and I believe in you. <3

To end with another quote from Staci,
>Your own sexual energy is not too big for you now.