Reddit Reddit reviews His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

We found 15 Reddit comments about His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

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His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
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15 Reddit comments about His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage:

u/ino_y · 18 pointsr/sexover30

This is an amazing book and it has really helped me a ton. I love words of affirmation too, it's Admiration in the book. I told my guy to skip to that chapter but he's actually enjoying the whole thing.

Each chapter has a great example, and what you're writing matches the examples perfectly.

I think spouses do that a lot, "now that we're married, I don't have to do that chit-chat thing with you, I already know everything about you!" and woosh, pleasant conversation that women enjoy for bonding goes out the window.

"I don't have to pretend I like fishing with you!" etc etc.

"All that romance stuff" that made you fall in love with him goes out the window, and it's obvious that you're falling out of love with him

Here's his website and a TLDR but yeah, your hubby is insisting on only having his needs for sexual fulfilment met and that's some selfish bullshit that will end badly.

u/Zaggner · 14 pointsr/Marriage

I recommend a great place for you to start is read His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley and do the Emotional Needs questionnaire.

u/Gigavoyant · 11 pointsr/AdviceAnimals

Because you are spending alone time with someone that you already have a connection with (friends). You should read "His Needs, Her Needs" to get a better idea. Basically, this friend is meeting your emotional needs doing that and that's when trouble can start (not necessarily WILL start, but it opens the door).

u/twinkle422 · 5 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

I'm having a rough year with my husband of 10 years. I ran across a resource that is helping us. Maybe it could help you or others.

The book, His Needs, Her Needs
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0800719387/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1411654785&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40

The website (with TONS of good info):
http://www.marriagebuilders.com

Marriage is hard. It does take work. No one really tells you that when you fall in love. These resources have already made a difference for me.

u/NotTheRightAnswer · 5 pointsr/AdviceAnimals

> If you really love her you shouldn't need sex to be with her.

In the vast, vast majority of relationships, that's just not how it works. Everyone has needs that need to be met in order to be happy in a relationship. Generally, for men, sex/physical intimacy is the #1 need. They can love someone as much as a person can love something, but if their needs aren't getting met (sex in this case) they won't be happy in the relationship. It's really that simple. Sex is very much a need for most men in order to have a happy, healthy relationship. Sex can be a need in a relationship in order to keep that relationship alive much the same way food is a need to keep the body alive. His Needs Her Needs is a great book that discusses this.

u/Tbyrd13 · 4 pointsr/Marriage

read His Needs/Her Needs . It will give you a good idea of how affairs start and you will realize that, in the journey towards an affair, they are starting at the halfway point. When your marriage has a rough patch, and it will as they all do, she will be there to offer him an ear and sympathize. It doesn't take much to imagine where that ends up. I would suggest you both read the book and discuss it, maybe even lead him to place where cutting her out becomes his idea.

u/solarsavior · 3 pointsr/istp

Pick me! Pick me! I'm INTJ and have an ISTP wife. We've been married for 7 years. We generally get along GREAT. It is very cerebral at times. Occasionally getting on each other's nerves. The great thing about my wife is that she has "short term memory". Though she may get cross with me she's right as rain in the morning.

The single best advice I can give you is to read this book. https://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof/dp/0800719387

I learned of it when having trouble with my first wife. The book was so damn good.

Here is the website. http://www.marriagebuilders.com

Don't focus on the MBTI stuff.

Though my ISTP wife has trouble expressing her feelings, it's great that there are ZERO games. She's direct. My intuition often makes me more "feeling". I know she cares deeply for me, but has trouble expressing it. Don't be too put off by that. Look at her actions. These are action people when it comes to feelings.

u/bippodotta · 3 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Resource dump:

Typical sex frequency for couples your age is weekly. With lots of variation. http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html

Responsive desire. She may not be the initiator of sex, and that is a common and normal thing. http://www.thedirtynormal.com/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/

Married man sex life. You are in the demographic, check it out. http://marriedmansexlife.com/take-the-red-pill/

Tools for talking about your needs, especially the hobby thing: http://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof/dp/0800719387/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1344961559&sr=8-1&keywords=his+needs+her+needs

Last, how old is the infant? Still nursing? Remember that infancy passes, nursing finishes, and things get better.

It's tough, but I think LL partners caring for a baby deserve extra slack and care.

u/ThidwickTBHM · 3 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

It's not a "if I do X then she'll have to do Y" situation. He probably sees that you value these things so he does them for you. He brings those things to the table for you, and they make you feel loved. To use this guy's metaphor: your husband is putting deposits into your bank of affection.

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage is the book.

What do you do to fill his bank up? What does he value? Here's a pdf questionnaire.

Something to think about, anyway. It's a pretty good book.

u/NottaGrammerNasi · 2 pointsr/funny

Some guys are going to disagree with andrewsmith1986 because they're looking for an excuse on why they've struck out but confidence is really where its at. However, don't confused confidence with douchebaggery. I've learned from my own personal experience that women respond and respect a man more if he has strong opinions, decisive and is his own person. These are commonly traits found in "alpha males" or a man's man. Now ladies before you get in a huff about what I'm saying, please keep in mind the guy I'm describing can still be a gentleman and respectful to you. Alpha-male =/= Douchebag. Some guys might look at their appearance and think "she's out of my league". For those guys though, you need to realize that women look for different traits in men than what men look for in women. What I'm about to say is an over simplification; what is true for some women may not be true for others. Women look for affection. Men this does not mean sex. Understand there is a difference. Women also need intimate conversation. She likes to know you're interested in her day and what's going on in her life. She needs to feel you are honest and open with her. Also, history shows they want financial support. This one is going to be a little debated because she can provide her own support these days but it still needs to be there for her to feel secure. And lastly family commitment. Many women want a family some day. Show you're going to be a good father, good provider and will be there for your family. With that said, you may not be a hot #8 or even a 6 or 5 or whatever but if you show a woman you have these qualities, your chances will go up significantly. To the guys out there: BE CONFIDENT and show her why you're worth her time! Side note: Other than personal experience, this book is where some of what I just said came from. Well worth a read if you're into that kind of stuff. Okay, I'm done now... #endrant.

u/penwraith · 2 pointsr/shittyaskreddit

I <3 the book "his needs, her needs" amazon link

it's an 80s book. not politically correct.

I love it because the advice is very pragmatic.

> I will work my ass off

the book discusses 10 needs. if you know your partner's top needs, then you can spend more time on what they value the most. I know someone whose girlfriend really loves "domestic support".... typically that's a male need, but she has a demanding career so it's very important to her. the time he spends fulfilling that NEED is appreciated.

the book is good because we may not even know ourselves what our top needs are because many people don't have a vocabulary for relationship skills.

> be a good man to my wife and kids to ensure that they never feel that type of pain from me.

that's admirable.

u/WalkingHumble · 1 pointr/Christianity

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Jr. Harley.

Even 10 years in, some of the discussion questions brought up issues myself and my wife had never discussed with each other and were holding onto that was causing resentment.

u/[deleted] · 1 pointr/sex

This book helped me a lot as a male who has been in similar situations.

The author puts forward some interesting ideas that have resonated with my fiance' and I. First, imagine that everyone you meet immediately opens up an imaginary "checking account" for you in their mind. When the two of you share mutually satisfactory encounters, you both make "deposits" in each others' accounts. The reverse is true, "withdrawals", for mutually unsatisfactory encounters. The author suggests that we fall in love with someone when we allow their balance in our account to get pretty high and that its just as easy to fall out of love if enough withdrawals are made. This is only the first chapter.

The rest of the book is devoted to our basic emotional needs. The author, a psychologist of some kind, polled a lot of couples to find out what they wanted from their relationships. He was able to come up with a list of 10 general, basic needs that we all share. Contrary to what "manly men" will tell you, both genders have emotions (lol). As you might guess, the genders generally rate their needs in polar opposite priority.

Generally speaking men rate the need for sexual fulfillment highest, where women rate affection highest. That isn't to say that some women wouldn't rate sex as their highest priority, that men generally rate affection the lowest, or that peoples priorities don't change over time... it's simply a statement of what the author found most common among the couples he polled.

The most common, second-highest priority for men is recreational partners and for women its (I think) domestic support. (I might be a little off here because I haven't read the book in awhile.) Each of the ten basic needs gets its own chapter and by the end of the book you feel ready to fulfill all of your partner's needs.

How does this relate to your situation? Well each time that his need isn't fulfilled a subconscious "withdrawal" is made. Its a natural reaction to a need not being met. I apologize if you find this offensive but I ask you to consider how there are times when you can't help but feel slightly let down.

Here is what I'm not saying: That you should give in to any advance he makes otherwise he might fall out of love with you. Where ever you can find conflict, you can find even more room for compromise. With my fiance and I, after delicate discussion, we decided on the following: Whenever I make overtures and she isn't up to the task for any reason whatsoever, she acknowledges my desires, explains her situation honestly, but offers an alternative. This is can as little as being close to me while I take care of things myself or as involved as what some might consider foreplay. The effect is always the same. I get to relieve tension and sleep easy, she's involved, and deposits are made all around.

The times have been few, but I've had the chance to reciprocate on occasion. We both work in the same career field (military) and its not unheard of for me to be too physically or mentally tired perform. In these instances she appreciates me in close proximity but my contributions are generally verbal, whereas I prefer her touch. As you might imagine, these alternatives have led to more on several occasions.

Others have stressed communication and that aspect of this issue is not to be ignored. There is a great technique I'd be happy to share with you if you're interested. However, its not the final solution to any problem in my humble opinion. I feel that recognizing, acknowledging, and fulfilling each other's needs is what is most important.

If you read His Needs, Her Needs and you enjoy it I would recommend The Five Languages of Love next. The two books compliment each other well and while they're about stuff you know innately, or might intuit, they do a good job of bringing it to the forefront of your mind. I hope I'm not killing two author's revenues in a row by giving you the synopsis:

There are basically 5 "languages" in which we express our affection for one another. When I compliment my fiance' (words of affirmation) she feels my love the most. However, I feel most loved when she runs her hands through my hair (physical touch) or finds time work on hobbies with me (Quality Time (and recreation partner emotional need I guess)). Generally, however we like to receive our affection is how we innately try to give affection. This doesn't always give us the results we want and our effort is best spent speaking our partner's "language".

I hope this all makes sense. Its my bed time and I've been trying to tip toe around a lot of touchy subjects in this post. If you can't tell, editorial gymnastics aren't my forte. To steal from a recent AMA: "I'm the worst best bad writr, neither can I spell or keyboard". If you need more details on the books, the emotional needs, the languages, or anything at all, please shoot me a message.

Edit: I reread through the rest of the comments and my own post. I feel like some perspective needs to be added on what living with an elevated libido is like. This isn't an attempt to defend your SO's actions, simply an addendum. I can't speak for all males but my arousal can fall into different categories. There is the type of arousal that everyone is familiar with, where my fiance is around and I want to share the time with her. Then there is the type of arousal that comes out of nowhere, for seemingly no reason, while I'm busy with other things (like trying to sleep).

In these situations I want to get it out of the way and get back to what I was doing. Its dealing with this type of arousal that can be the most frustrating; especially when my fiance and I are in bed ready for sleep. Spooning is a big trigger for this type of arousal. I'm sure my fiance doesn't appreciate getting poked in these situations but I simply have no control over it. Before we found our alternatives we were in the same boat as you. I'd advance and there would be times when she wasn't ready to participate for whatever reason. These would leave me in a crappy spot. I could awkwardly take care of myself with her in the bed but not participating (I never did, I couldn't imagine being able to) or just deal with it and try to sleep. I read somewhere that a test was run with women and testosterone patches (to raise their libido) and some said that they would never repeat the experience.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that while your SO's actions might seem petulant at first, you should give him a chance to redeem himself.

u/kiwispouse · 1 pointr/AskWomen

for no-nonsense, practical advice i highly recommend Fall in Love, Stay in Love and His Needs, Her Needs.

if you aren't yet involved in a LTR and are wondering whether to commit, Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders is an education.

if your relationship is struggling or in crisis, Love Busters is a good workbook.

harley is a clinical psychologist who specializes in marriage, and his behaviour modification techniques have a proven track record. i generally don't believe in the whole "self help" genre; however, by implementing harley's advice (which focuses around having an integrated life), we've built a strong marriage. it's not for everyone (nothing is), but his books are something i really can wholeheartedly recommend.

edit: sorry, i was talking with someone and forgot to click over to the tab with the actual list. i see HNHN is on there!

u/bedgar · 1 pointr/sex

Please guys and girls (especially guys) order and read this book

You want to have a quality life together, read this book together with your special someone. You don't have to be married either. The sooner you apply the principles in this book, the sooner you will be on your way to a fantastic life together.