Reddit reviews Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

OK. Married woman with kids checking in here, who, not too many months ago said something very similar to her husband.

I cant speak about what she may or may not be doing. But I can speak from my own experience.

She waved a SOS flag here. Assuming she hasn't done anything incredibly stupid she reached out and was honest with you. Would you not rather know that there's something wrong in your relationship? Use this moment. These are the times where people talk about "We didnt throw things away that were damaged, we fixed them." Its time for you to do your part in the fixing. Obviously she needs to do her part, but you have no control over that. So do your stuff, work hard at this and no matter what happens you will know you fought like hell for your family. Now. What we/I did.

1. You guys have a toddler. Does she work outside the home? Shes likely burning the candle at both ends. When there is no fuel in the tank the relationship cant get repaired. So do what ever you need to to make sure she gets sleep, time to herself and with her girlfriends. You need to make sure both of you have the mental and emotional energy to do this work. Remember no matter what you spend making this happen, its still cheaper then a divorce.
   
   
2. Get a babysitter. Make date nights mandatory like homework. When was the last time you took her on a date? You arrange a babysitter and plan something fun together. (A huge pet peeve of mine was how date night child care/planning was always in my court) Country fairs are awesome date nights btw.To be honest if its been a long time since you have done this, its going to feel weird. There have been some times when money was tight our date nights were sitting on the couch and talking. Ten years previous if you would have told me that I would have found talking to my husband hard or awkward I would have laughed in your face. I never would have believed it. But after years of talking we got to a point where we thought (wrongly) we knew it all, that we could get by with such minimal verbal contact. It took me a while to be comfortable in those moments again with him. But we stuck it out. Now I like our nights on the couch, no tv, no phones, no laptop, just, chatting. We are back in the habit of connecting.
   
   
3. When she gets up to do something around the house, you get up to do something as well. Then to really do great, while shes sitting and doing what ever (tv etc) you get up again and do something else, dishes etc. I know for me this was a huge huge thing. I am mostly a stay at home mom. At my lowest I felt like I was little more then a cook and janitor who had to put out as well. It was terrible for all concerned.
   
   
4. Value what she is interested in. Ask her questions. Go with her to her things, and be happy about it. Just like you did while you were dating.
   
   
5. Read the book Hold Me Tight. Its wonderful.
   
   
6. This was something that was important for my situation as I was around kids 24/7, even at work. Encourage her to find something to do that makes stories for her to share. Nothing was worse for me then when my husband came home and I had zero interesting stories to share beyond what I read on reddit (all of which he had seen already) and how many times I changed a diaper. While when he got home he had all this work stuff to talk about. I yearned to have something, anything to contribute to conversations. I realized one night that I had not said one sentence that didn't involve the house, the family/kids or my husbands interests in weeks. I essentially ceased to exist. So, very very bad for your self image.
   
   
7. Get counselling. If she wont go, you go alone. No matter how this turns out, you are under major stress right now. Something is challenging your family unit. You will need support to get through this. If you cant afford counselling find someone who is marriage/relationship positive (so not the guy whose long term relationship is with his cell phone) And under no circumstances do you go for relationship advice to another woman. Do not talk about troubles in your relationship with another woman. Even if you have friends who are girls who your wife loves and totally trusts. This is a 'crisis' situation. And in crises people act weird and she may find that she's uncomfortable with it, and its an issue that can so easily be avoided, so why not just not do it and save you and her some pain.
   
   
8. Here's a secret. You fall in and out of love with each other in a marriage. Its the choosing to stick it out and work on it, knowing the good times are worth it that makes long marriages.
   
   So I know I just gave a list of all what you do, but she should be doing all this as well. You guys made a family together, you need to save it together. Its impossible to force someone to love you, but if you lift some of those barriers it gives your relationship room to breathe and for you both to figure out if this is still something you want.
   
   Good luck to the both of you.
   

It doesn't stop at parents; attachment is a concern throughout one's entire life, and is felt or held with friends, family, community and such.

IE, Sue Johnson has a lovely book called Hold me Tight that applies attachment theory to better improve our relationships, in general.

(I'm almost 8 months post d day) Focus on you. I spent an ungodly amount of money to do something to my hair that I always wanted to do but never had the guts. I went to the beach with my mom for Memorial Day weekend - just the two of us (it was lovely!). I joined a meetup group in my city for "nerdy girls" and we meet twice a month to do crafts. I'm spending more time with my gal pals. I'm reading more - both for fun and for help. A few I recommend are: Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight, Jonice Webb's Running on Empty (if childhood neglect applies to you), pretty much anything by Brene Brown, any of Esther Perel's videos on Youtube, and the Affair Recovery website (sign up for their emails - it can be really helpful to be feeling some kind of way and boom there's an email in your inbox about just that thing - kind of uncanny really).

I read a lot of relationship books so I won't give you any of my personal opinion here (unless stated) but opinions of experts. There's an Amazon best seller called Hold Me Tight which might have somethings to say in your situation. While the book is mostly intended for couples who have difficulty communicating, I think it applies to your case a lot regarding not being able to overtly tell him "to be more dominant".

I know it feels weird to tell him something like that; it's just telling telling your spouse to "you have to love me more". It feels SO weird and unnatural and tears your heart apart that you have to tell something to your spouse that they should naturally know to do.

But trust me, you have to overcome that feeling just tell him exactly how you feel, without implying or hinting at what you mean. Even if it tears you apart that you have to tell him to do something he should already know naturally, you have to be the bigger person and let him know in a kind and affectionate way.

Tell him what you told us here (reasons why you were attracted to him and reasons why thing are going badly) in as great detail as possible but be sure to show him the entire time that you care about him and this is a genuine attempt to rekindle your love for each other. You can make him more open to your ideas by taking some blame on yourself and telling him how you will work to fix that as well. He needs to see that you love him and he will move the whole world for you and you must believe that.

I know how youre thinking. How can someone just choose to become more dominant? My ex and I had similar problems like this in the past and when I realized it, whenever it was on my mind I could consciously be more dominant and take charge of the situations. All guys have dominance built into them but sometimes that just becomes dormant. Believe me if your husband was dominant and in charge in the past (which I never was), it will be child's play for him to become that way again as long as he's conscious of it and he's willing to work to save the marriage.

And of course, do your best to describe your feelings using I statements ("I sometimes feel on my own when I don't get any affection", "I used to feel so much attraction before when you used to take charge of things") rather than blaming or You statements ("You don't show enough affection", "You used to be more in charge but now I have to do everything"). When someone blames the other or uses You statements, the other person shuts down and becomes defensive. But if two people love each other, when you use I statements to talk about your feelings of hurt, it opens up a door for the other person to rush in make it better with love and affection. In order to spark romance, it's important to engage in an emotionally affectionate and logical conversation rather than only a logical one, however, try to talk about how you're feeling introspectively without assigning blame as that will invite the other person to empathize with you.

>Im a little bit of a helpless romantic and my husband can be very stoic. If he were to surprise me by catering to my emotional needs then maybe that would be more of a turn on for me.

Of course, this is even more important. Attraction and love are emotional responses, not logical. It's important that you tell him all this explicitly as well so that he can be more affectionate and romantic towards you.

____

[This part is optional so please just focus on the first part if you take anything away from this] Of course all this is way easier said than done and requires strong communication technique. If you want, I can share a few tips that may help you:

The best way to deal with difficult topics in your relationship is to consistently have reflective conversations with him (very useful video on how to communicate difficult topics). It feels very robotic at first these are just guidelines and you can be flexible with it as long as you are following the fundamentals of it.

I tried to make my best friend use this in her relationship and she was absolutely against it because "it feels so weird" to do something like that. I understand where she's coming from so there are ways to make bringing up something like this a little easier:

In my opinion, the best way to introduce something like this is by talking to your husband and agree to have weekly marriage meetings to check up on your marriage and make note of things to do in the next week. I think this is something EXTREMELY easy to do and shouldn't feel weird at all. In my opinion, don't restrict yourself to a certain time for each segment (like the article says) and just take as long as you need to for each thing. Anyway, once you start having meetings like this, it will become easier and easier to talk about more sensitive things and you can easily bring up something that's been bothering you. You may tell him about reflective conversation technique (I implore you that you do) and then both of you can proceed to use that and talk about your deeper troubles.

I think you need to have the marriage meeting TODAY (it's the weekend now, don't put it off). Go in prepared and talk about how you feel that the two of you should spend more time together and make plans to do a few things next week (movies, dinner, shows, anything both of you will enjoy) but try to at least plan 2 activities.

On the day of your second marriage meeting, when both of you are in a good mood, bring up that you had something on your mind and wanted to try something out today for the meeting. Ask him to see a video about the reflective conversation and that you want to use this technique for the meeting today. Be sure to tell him that it might look silly but take it seriously and watch it again with him.

Then when the meeting happens, do your best to bring up what's been bothering you and believe me, this will immediately make him understand how important this is to you and the structure will make sure both of you figure out plans of action to fix it.

One thing I'll add, that the reflective conversation video doesn't mention is that it's of utmost importance that both of you maintain skin contact (holding hands, or sitting side by side with your arms intertwined, etc.) during the conversation as this will release oxytocin in your brains. This will help both of you feel more affectionate towards each other and less likely to say something that would hurt the other person. And most importantly, this feeling will help both of you feel more motivated to do what you guys promised to do in order to make the change happen.

I know this is a lot to digest but I have a good feeling this will work to improve your relationship if you do your best. I'm more than willing to help in any way I can and if you want, I can

I highly suggest the book Hold Me Tight:Seven Conversations fro a Lifetime of Love. It's about becoming vulnerable with each other and responding to each others needs to be understood/comforted and forming deep emotional intimacy in the process. Emotional intimacy is really very key to physical intimacy in long term relationships. It's a really good book.

I would read Sue Johnson's book first: https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetime/dp/031611300X/ref=pd_cp_14_2/138-8589847-3436922?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=031611300X&pd_rd_r=2f4ed5bd-840c-4bbb-adc6-652388f56e6f&pd_rd_w=4HmQ0&pd_rd_wg=DQa4X&pf_rd_p=0e5324e1-c848-4872-bbd5-5be6baedf80e&pf_rd_r=VG2QRAS06FAFVBRR5Z3M&psc=1&refRID=VG2QRAS06FAFVBRR5Z3M

Then Gottman: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797,

Then Gottman: https://www.amazon.com/What-Makes-Love-Last-Betrayal-ebook/dp/B0061Q640C.

​

There is a huge gap in Gottman's teaching about how to avoid flooding and to attune to your partner that Johnson covers in great depth. When I read Hold Me Tight a bunch of the stuff in the Gottman books clicked for me.

They aren't textbooks, but they do have information to learn in them.
Here are a couple of things on my reading list:

Why People Die By Suicide by Thomas Joiner

How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo

Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg

If you are interested in learning more about what may be underneath arguments, particularly with a spouse or SO, I recommend the book Hold Me Tight by Dr Sue Johnson. It's very readable and helps explain why a lot of arguments that seem to be about trivial matters tend to blossom into huge arguments sometimes.

$26? Pffft how about $9 used on Amazon?

http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetime/dp/031611300X/ref=sr_1_1/186-9111677-8157338?ie=UTF8&qid=1407086202&sr=8-1&keywords=susan+johnson+hold+me+tight

attached was good for general info and I really liked this one for actual help IRL.

Hello everyone! I'm /u/silent0siris here for the first time, and I found this from over on /r/bodyweightfitness and thought I should give it a try!

I'm living in Montreal and just started going through a separation-and-divorce (started Dec 1), so I'm trying to focus on taking care of myself and getting my single life in order. I've been pretty slight for my whole life, so I'm excited to try and put on a few pounds of muscle. I've also had a persistent pain in my left leg for a few years- had it evaluated a year or two ago by a PT, just have to do some flexibility work to keep it down, but it's hard to keep consistent about it.

I'm also creating my first on-my-own game in 6 weeks, following along with a group in Montreal. I'm excited to see what I can do!

Stats

• 29 M
  
• 6'0", 146lbs (66.22kg)
  
• diet: lots of braised chicken thighs and home made chili at the moment
  
• exercise: Bodyweight Fitness Beginner Routine M/W/F, Limber 11 flexibility T/Th/Sa
  
  Round 16 Goals
  
  
• Gain 7lbs (3.17kg)
  
• Bodyweight exercise 3 times a week, 42x total
  
• Limber 11 flexibility 3 times a week, 42x total
  
• Cook 5x Lunches and 5x Dinners each Saturday (14 times total)
  
• Find nice cheap lunches and dinners to cook and still gain
  
• Work at least 6 hours a week on my own tiny indie game
  
• Give myself love, upwards emotional trend
  
  Sprint 1 Goals
  
  
• Gain ~2lbs (~1kg)
  
• Bodyweight exercise 3x/wk (12x total)
  
• Limber 11 3x/wk (12x total)
  
• Make 5x Lunches and Dinners each Saturday (4x total)
  
• 6h of work each week on my own tiny indie game (24h total)
  
• Go to February's Indie Game meetup
  
• Love love love, finish reading Hold me Tight, be okay feeling sad too
  
  It's inspiring to see others goals! I'm excited to give this a shot.

I appreciate your post. I know it's a very hard thing to admit somewhere... but something definitely looming inside you. I don't know where you are with your boyfriend, but I would really encourage you, if it's at ALL feasible, to seek counseling. There was something great between you before, and while it may seem hopeless, sometimes it's the act of needing something from each other that gets things confused and even if you want to meet each other half way you might be misinterpreting.

I know you don't have time - if you had it you would sleep. I really REALLY recommend a book that has (potentially) saved my marriage - Hold Me Tight (kind of a lame title for what it is, I swear.) The book helps figure out where something went wrong. When things used to be easy we probably never realized why, what we were doing, how we were communicating. If those subtle things break down, what was once a bump now becomes a mountain. The book helps to identify the unspoken needs each person had that stopped being fulfilled and helps open back up that communication. By example after example... it helps to recognize how when things were great, you didn't have to figure these things out - but when something goes wrong...I can't begin to speak about your situation... but sometimes there's a reason someone is distant, or not...hands on (like fathering in this scenario). Some subconscious reaction to you, or worry he's making it worse, or something... We read this book together (a digital copy where we could both make notes and see waht the other identified with). It is largely why we are still together.

You guys loved each other at one point. This is a tremendous, life changing burden, and that is BOUND to create waves and resentment... a lot of resentment... but if you could both read that book...

All I can say is the issues I had/have with my marriage, they didn't seem like things I could solve. That book...it literally did change how we communicated, and not because of some unrealistic hippie touchy feely thing... it helped recognize the patterns we'd get into that made one or both shut off, lot hear, lot listen, not express... it gave us the tools we never knew we lacked to articulate through things that before became huge fights or impasses.

I don't know if it's any help. I know it looks bleak and it looks like it may fall apart, but... is that what you want? Would you much prefer to recapture some of the closeness you used to have, and face this moving forward? My best of luck to you.