Reddit reviews Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child

"I am firm in my decision to not expose him while my parents are alive. They will feel like they allowed it happened."

I'm going to say, as gently as I can, that you might want to rethink that choice. First of all, get to a good therapist who can support you through this. I know exactly what you're talking about and how, even though you're an adult, inside, you turn back into that child victim when you see him. The child victim in you is saying, "Don't tell mom and dad." Get to a good therapist and become that little girl's advocate. Become her voice. Become the adult woman who walks in the room with the perpetrator and is willing, able and ready to rat him out.

By all means, do not do any of this tomorrow, or next week. Get thyself to a therapist to run through all the repercussions of what could happen after you tell mom and dad. Get some great self-help books on what can happen when victims tell. "We read to know we're not alone." - C.S. Lewis. Books can be very helpful. Here's one author who has written extensively on childhood issues: http://www.johnbradshaw.com https://www.amazon.com/Homecoming-Reclaiming-Championing-Inner-Child/dp/0553353896

After you do all this work and research, you might still decide you don't want to tell them. That is still a valid choice. But if he is around a female child on a regular basis, a therapist can help you work through the moral imperative of telling. If he's around a female child(ren) often, the woman in you is going to feel compelled to tell in order to protect her.

These things can be done - the truth can be told - but one does have to become sturdy and strong enough to handle all the shit that will fly through the air when the truth is told.

Just know you're not alone, and most victims never tell anyone in the family. Then we, as a society, stupidly wonder why there's so many mental health issues in the land, and so many homeless people. http://www.naasca.org/2012-Resources/010812-StaisticsOfChildAbuse.htm

>To get through it I told my child self to toughen up. Grow up, put your head down, succeed elsewhere and get through it.

Me too. And it worked until it didn't.

We don't need to feel bad about that. It was a great tool, a necessary tool, to get us through. We needed it, then, to be able to go on. That's fine.

But now shaming her (by telling her to grow up and toughen up) just hurts us more than it helps. Time to change. That's OK. We grow and we learn.

I think having my own children really, really helped. Do you have any little people around? If not, take a look at a small kid out in public (5-ish years old), same gender as you maybe. Look into her eyes. Now picture raging at her. Shaming her.

Picture the light going out in her eyes.

Right?! Inconceivable! Evil! You just wouldn't.

Now, take this in: Your parent (parents?) did. Over and over again, while you were once that little, that innocent, that vulnerable. And you didn't know it wasn't OK. It just made you try harder to make them love you. To be a good kid. To make them happy. The oceans of hurt and fear and feelings of betrayal that your parents caused must be truly terrible. And the damage they caused must be processed in order for you to heal.

Ask yourself, what would that little kid need when she is scared and ashamed? When she is tired or sad? What could you tell her? How could you hold her? She might not be used to your compassion. It might make her very angry. Or it might make her cry horribly. And your critical voice might get louder. It's hard at first. Just persist.

You can recall to your mind's eye that child's face--her innocence and vulnerability--anytime you feel yourself getting agitated, and ask her (little you) what she needs. It could be sleep, a hug, an escapist tv show, an outing (playtime!).

I have been using an inner child meditation iPhone app (girl version) I purchased from Glenn Harrold, a British hypnotist and, in his former life, punk musician/street kid. Listen before buying because his accent might bother you. It really helped me. But I listened to it every evening and morning for months. Lots of crying :(

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/heal-your-inner-child-meditation-by-glenn-harrold/id660500293?mt=8

If you want to learn more about inner child work, everyone recommends John Bradshaw's "Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child."
U.S. Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Homecoming-Reclaiming-Championing-Inner-Child/dp/0553353896
I read it once a few months ago and now I realize I should probably read it again.

So, this is mostly a repost of something I made a thread for on /r/DecidingtoBeBetter, but I thnk this is a more appropriate place for this. This is my experience with a therapy called Accelerated Experiential Dynamc Psychotherapy (AEDP).

This artcle from The New York Times helped get me in the right direction.

I came across this article at some point last year, and I immediately identified with the description the therapist gave of her patient "Brian", and her description of the concept of "chronic shame." I had suffered from "depression" for almost fifteen years. I put quotation marks around "depression" because, although I had all the DSM symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder, the depressive symptoms themselves were more the result of deeper emotional issues that I hadn't known how to deal with.

In January, I started working with a therapist in the same style of therapy as the author of that article (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy). This is the first time I've had a psychodynamic style of therapy. Before this, I've only done cognitive-behavioral therapy. But it has been an intense, but absolutely life-changing experience. The work is not easy: my therapist has me deeply experience, in my body-mind complex, feelings that I had tried to distract myself from for many years. I have spent weeks at a time where I have crying spells, where realizations and experiences sort of well up within me, crying out to be met with compassion and understanding. But in the last three months, my depression and social anxiety seem to be vanishing fairly quickly, and I finally have a sense of myself as perfectly acceptable, loveable, and valid, for the first time ever. These are feelings I have never before had in my life. I never even knew it was possible to feel unconditionally self-accepting at a core level like this.

If the article above resonates with anyone, I'd highly encourage seeking out a therapist who practices some form of experiential therapy. It may be that CBT might not get at exactly what is going on for you. AEDP isn't the only one out there. There are also Emotion-Focused Therapy, Schema Therapy, and some modern psychodynamic therapies. There's a book I've read that covers a lot of the stuff I did with my therapist called Healing Your Emotional Self by Beverly Engel. Also, the classic Homecoming by John Bradshaw.

If this sounds familiar to you, know that you aren't alone and that there is a way out of the darkness. :)

I have found inner child work to be the most powerful tool in healing my childhood wounds. I used John Bradshaw's book. He gives you step by step tools for how to do inner child work. It's easier with a good therapist, but I did it alone. https://www.amazon.com/Homecoming-Reclaiming-Championing-Inner-Child/dp/0553353896
Also, you can find his appearance on Oprah years ago on youtube where he does a mini inner child workshop on the show. When I first "met" or talked to my inner child, I was repulsed by her. That was my shame, which is now mostly gone. My inner child is ME, my instinctive, intuitive part. I listen to "her" now. When she says she doesn't like somebody, I stay away. That voice of intuition is usually right.

> I want a manual on how healthy people were raised and what healthy love looks like!!!

Right? I am so damn lucky that my mom divorced my dad when I was a kid and so I had the one healthy parent to compare to my dad's (and, later, mother-in-law's) behavior to. It makes all the difference in the world just to know that things can be different.

The problem, I think, is that from the other direction, people with two healthy parents just don't know that there's any other way that parents can act. These are unspoken things that are so fundamental to our worldview, developed when we were just babies.

So it's really really hard to bridge that gap.

The best, closest thing I found, though, was this book.

Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing your Inner Child

How to Survive Your Childhood Now That You're an Adult

The Inner Child Workbook

Affirmations for the Inner Child

Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child

Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to your Inner Child

What you're going through is normal. I have never, ever had a violent desire. I'm very non-confrontational. However, after my brother committed suicide due to years of abuse from my nstepmother, I had very specific fantasies of hurting her. With healing, those thoughts will go away.

I know you say you can't afford therapy, but it really should be a priority. Do you have health insurance? Have you looked into public assistance or community programs?

The truth is, you had a traumatic childhood. And you need to deal with it. It will probably be rough, but you'll feel so much better. I recommend the book Homecoming by John Bradshaw. It really helped me work through some of my trauma.

EDIT: I should also mention that a lot of therapists offer a sliding fee scale. My sister sees her therapist for only $20.

I've only read a few pages (and that was a few months back so I really need to pick it up again!) but I picked this up for inner child work: https://www.amazon.com/Homecoming-Reclaiming-Championing-Inner-Child/dp/0553353896

I must have seen it as a recommendation on here or on a similar sort of forum. For me, even just thinking about my inner child was a huge thing - for so long I felt disconnected without even realizing it, and I think a huge amount of shame, and again without even realizing it... I think I sort of blamed myself for everything, and thought I was the one with 'issues'.

Similar I suppose, my resolution for the new year is to be more mindful - this links to health, weight, finances, everything really, but really just remembering to care for myself, and if I do something like over eat, or I struggle with compulsive hair pulling, I think, 'Would I ever do this to a child?'... and same, if I really want an unhealthy snack when I have had plenty to eat, I think, 'If I had a toddler who was annoying me for another piece of chocolate after they'd had dessert, would I give in just because they wanted it, or would I tell them no to look after their health?'

Otherwise, I think I'm trying to build up my self compassion to get to a point where I'm ready to go back to reading the book again... need to finish Understanding the Borderline Mother first though! Then on to me. :)

Thank you for sharing that link too.