Reddit reviews How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

All of your solutions involve disconnecting from her and disconnecting her from the world. You can't then turn around and expect her to happily and cooperatively work with you.

I'm phoneposting while on vacation so I'm not going to get deep into this, but let me recommend my favorite books on the subject: The Explosive Child and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.

Your situation is a classic case represented in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

I hate shilling for anything, but this book is a goldmine. Has even helped me to communicate with the missus.

Well, we hit the 10000 limit. Reserving this comment for the misc. section.

FREE TIME/FUN/MISC.
The Art of Deception: Controlling the Human Element of Security
The Art of War
Steal This Computer Book 4.0: What They Won't Tell You about the Internet
How to Disappear: Erase Your Digital Footprint, Leave False Trails, and Vanish without a Trace
The Best of 2600: A Hacker Odyssey
Super Crunchers: Why Thinking-by-Numbers Is the New Way to Be Smart
Casting the Net: From ARPANET to INTERNET and Beyond thanks sjhill
A Quarter Century of UNIX thanks sjhill
A Reading List For the Self-Taught Computer Scientist thanks zinver
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk thanks segamix
The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable thanks AgonistAgent
Snow Crash thanks AgonistAgent
Cryptonomicon thanks Mirple

I've read a lot of parenting books and learned a lot of cool techniques and tricks for helping my kids. A parenting class, if you do the research and find someone who makes a lot of sense to you, is just a faster way of learning new tricks, and it sounds like you're looking for good ideas and fast. The class I linked you to in my other comment is one I'd love to take myself and I have worked with children for over fifteen years.

But if you are interested in the book route, look at your local library for How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, Simplicity Parenting, or Love and Logic, or anything by those authors.

I can guarantee you that at least one of my grandmas would've loved a parenting class, and the other probably could've used one.

Just as a point of reference, my 3 year old cries like that quite a bit. Usually over quite trivial matters. This morning, she cried for 15 minutes straight because her daddy plugged in her ipod to the charger instead of letting her do it.

So some of it is just developmental and/or personality at that point. Stay patient and just keep letting him know that you are there for him. At some point, you'll notice a bit of a break in the crying and that's when you ask if he wants you to hold him. If you have a rocker of big comfy chair, that would be nice to snuggle up in. Maybe offer him some water or juice and to read a book or something.

I know this sounds shitty to say but don't frantically offer him up all kinds of stuff to do or big treats just to make him feel better. He'll figure out that this is how he can get stuff. Just be there to comfort and let him get it all out. If you validate his feelings and mirror them back to him, it'll help him be able to talk about them in the future. It also decreases the crying. You literally just say exactly what he's saying back to him. "you want your daddy. yes, you want your daddy." It really helps them to feel like they've been heard rather than, "It's ok" because in his mind, it's really not ok and to be told that is rather confusing.

Some good books to read are this series:
Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy (this title always cracks me up)

and

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (this one has some really old school illustrations but it's great for talking to kids and adults of all ages)

Good luck, you are doing a wonderful thing taking him in. I'm sure transitions will get easier from here on out.

Four year olds lie. It’s just part of the developmental stage. It doesn’t mean you have to punish it out of them.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen has some good strategies for keeping communication open and how to deal with lying.

Twin parent here too, with kids around the same age. This book was incredibly helpful for us in reframing how we communicate. They’ll clean up their toys now, brush their teeth, get dressed, etc. without it being a hassle. I hope it helps you too.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk https://www.amazon.com/dp/1451663889/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_i_ErgZCbF1850NS

Basically, you help them develop a sense of autonomy by giving them lots of choices (all of which are acceptable to you as a parent).

[Here's a decent article on the concept]
(http://www.earlychildhoodnews.com/earlychildhood/article_view.aspx?ArticleID=691)

Also, this book is amazing: [How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk] (http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889)

It's tough to offer any kind of advice for your situation because you talk in a lot of generalities.

However, my wife and I have struggled quite a bit over the last few years and it sucks. I feel like things are getting better, but there are always mis-steps even on the up-swing.

If your wive really has checked out, there's not much you can do. It takes two to make a couple.

However. You can work on yourself. In so doing, you might find that it helps your relationship. Or it might not. But even if your relationship falls apart, you will be in a much better space to cope with that and move on -- as difficult as it seems right now.

So, here's my suggestions ... things that I have been doing and reading over the last couple of years that have really helped me.

1. Stop looking at all the things she is doing wrong. Focus on what she is doing right. This is tough and requires a huge shift in thinking and an even bigger thinking around letting go of your ego.
   
   
2. Every day do something to show some appreciation for someone in your life. One person every day. Say thank you and tell them what they mean to you. This will help you focus on more positive things overall. Include your wife in this, though she doesn't need to be the focus of this every day.
   
   
3. Be honest with yourself and her. Can you give her what she wants. There are some things that I just can't give my wife. And some things she can't give me. How important are these things? And are there other ways to get them?
   
   
4. Adopt a meditation practice. Download the Headspace app. It has a nice introduction to meditation. It has helped me immensely.
   https://www.headspace.com/
   
   
5. If you don't exercise, start. Personally, I enjoy weight lifting. Try Strong Lifts if you can. It's a simple program that will show fast results.
   http://stronglifts.com/
   
   
6. If you don't eat healthy, start. There are so many diets out there. Even if you just start eating smaller portions and cut out snacking, you'll see some positive results. That's where I started. I eventually started doing the Alt Shift Diet. Yeah, you can call it a fad diet or whatever. I don't care. It works for me and that's the key -- find a diet that works for you.
   http://altshiftdiet.com/
   
   
7. Read How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk. Great advice that applies even when you are talking to adults.
   https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568476&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk
   
   
8. Read People Skills. This is a great book on active listening and conflict resolution. Helpful in so many situations.
   https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X
   
   
9. Read this post and some of the posts that follow it. Incredibly insightful
   https://np.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/538uat/mismatched_couples/d7r5hys
   
   
10. Read Never Split the Difference. Another great book that is geared more toward business negotiation, but has been a great help in my personal life. I can take the time to understand someone else's perspective without letting go of mine. Also great to help assert myself better in my relationship. His description of active listening was also helpful.
    https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended/dp/0062407805/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568493&sr=1-1&keywords=chris+voss
    
    
11. Read Come as You Are. A great book on women's sexuality specifically, but it's really about sexuality in general. It's backed by a lot of research. Has a lot of insight into human sexuality. Great reading. Helped me understand myself and my wife better. (Goes beyond the typical High Libido and Low Libido stuff that I always found less than helpful.)
    http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1436544375&sr=8-1&keywords=come+as+you+are
    
    
12. Do stuff on your own. Go out with friends. Go to the movies by yourself. Make sure both of you get breathing room away from each other.
    
    
13. Be honest. If you feel something tell her. You don't have to be mean. But do be honest. "You are making me angry right now, can we talk about it later when I have calmed down." "Your tone sounds rude and condescending. Please talk to me like I am an adult or we can wait and talk later." This one is tough and statements should be made from your perspective rather than made as statements of fact.
    
    Anyway, those are my suggestions and have helped me immensely. Take what you think will work for you. Ignore the rest.
    
    Best of luck!
    

Red? Consequences?

Sorry, but I go with the belief that kids are a direct reflection of what we do and do not teach them. If they are failing in your eyes, you might want to consider a different approach to how you parent them.

Down vote away, I'm used to it. But at least consider what I'm saying.

Getting people to do things, at any age, in all the right ways, is all a function of communication. At the core: trust and respect. If you don't have trust and respect in any relationship, then you don't have a relationship, and you can expect some level of failure.

As a parent and an adult, you take a lead role in the relationship. You really can't or shouldn't blame your kid for anything. They are a direct by-product of you and your methods for working with them. They mirror you, and they look to you for total guidance.

I even take this as far as never disciplining a child. Structure and rules to some degree, but never discipline. And really REALLY strong coaching and proper reinforcement.

At least consider it.

EDIT: One of the best books that I think every parent should read, and for that matter, everybody should read (no kids or not) is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

You could try How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. There are separate versions for “Little Kids” and “Teens” as well. I’m not sure how old your kids are, but I also liked [1-2-3 Magic](1-2-3 Magic: 3-Step Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting https://www.amazon.com/dp/149262988X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_88L2AbPWR1BCY) for my son it really helped. Good luck!

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

It's amazing how much behavior overlap there is between end-users and children.

A lot of the child psychology coming out these days is all about listening and helping kids put words to their emotions. Instead of trying to correct behavior, point out the emotion they are having and allow them time to figure out a solution. "Oh, it looks like you're tired." "You seem frustrated with this homework." Give him data and help him build his emotional intelligence to be able to solve the puzzle on his own.

I highly recommend this book:
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/

Kids are tiny humans who have a lot of stuff going on inside their minds and bodies. And we often forget that they have this whole other universe going on inside their heads, just like we do, but nobody has taught them what to do about it.

By reading this fantastic book: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk.

Ooh, I have three recommendations. I am RBB also. I didn't have a clue starting out, and I was scared to death. My two kids are now mostly grown, 17 and 21.

When your baby is 2:
1-2-3 Magic
https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/0963386190

How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7
https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X (This is new to me, but written by the daughter of the author of the original, below, got great reviews and is based on the same respect principles of the first one)

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (school-age Kids)
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

You know what surprised me about parenting? How much your kids WANT to please you. They can be plenty feisty (uncooperative) sometimes, but usually I found that was for a predictabel reason. With little ones, it was because they were hangry or tired. I had to learn from another mother that my kids was throwing herself on the ground because she needed to eat at regular intervals (it was mealtime, and the other mother recognized the signs).

My kids really wanted to please me and my husband. The most important thing, I found, was to make it easy for them to please us (picking our battles, having reasonable boundaries--which kids need and push for, and treating them with respect). If we weren't assholes, they were mostly cooperative. Funny how that works.

I wish I had worried less. My kids love me and I love them. It was tiring, but not HARD to build a happy family together, and I learned far more from them about how to love than they ever learned from me, because it comes NATURALLY to human families (except where love is tortured out of you by BPD or other dysfunction). I'm pretty bummed because my younger has terrible anxiety and depression recently, she says due to academic stress. Sometimes I think I was a bad parent and my husband and I passed down our shitty legacy from our own parents: We both have PD parents. My younger says not, but I dunno. She struggled because I was down for the count for several years while she was in middle school and being bullied. More about that below. My elder calls me every day from college and loves her father and my company. They both love us. Weird, right?

About my younger and why I was unable to be a good parent a few years back: I stayed in contact with my abusive mother and she was totally incorporated into my family because she lives only a few minutes away and has no one else. Of course. My health suffered. I developed chronic pain that all but destroyed my life. Since I found out about being RBB, and admitted to myself and others that I was abused and actually hate my mother, my pain all but disappeared!!! This just happened. I am furious. My uBPD mother is the gift that just keeps on giving. If my being out of commission laid the foundation for my beautiful daughter's current depression, I want to kill my mother. What I am trying to say is that the most important thing for you to raise your baby so she/he is emotionally healthy is for YOU to acknowledge and heal from your own abuse, and protect yourself from your BPD parent NOW. In my experience, you can only do that by distancing yourself from your BPD parent. I thought everything was fine because I had set very strong boundaries, never allowed my kids to be alone with her when they were young (after I saw troubling manipulative behavior with my younger, age 2), and basically had almost not a cross word with my mother in 20 years. The thing is, she turned into a waif, and I didn't know I was still being abused by BPD, just differently.

I don't mean to preach. I'm just positive that BPD is very, very damaging to us and--through us--to our little ones, even if we don't think so.

Good luck. Babies are adorable. And hard. But adorable.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I had to let my first toddler teach me how to accept hugs. The baby stage was fine: lots of cuddling happened, but when she was a toddler I became aware that when she ran at me for a hug I often froze. I remember the same reaction from when I was a teenager and all the other girls were touchy-feely and I would just want to crawl away so no-one would touch me, and then be ashamed that I couldn't be affectionate like all the other squealing girls. Thanks, Mom. With my little one, I resolved to remember to breathe, drop to her level and MAKE myself stay still fr a hug. I also made up a rule for myself that I would never let go first: We were done when she decided we were done. Isn't that sad? Anyway, I soon learned to LOVE her hugs. And, of course, to set reasonable boundaries, because it isn't always hugging time, right? She learned to wait sometimes, and I learned to accept hugs.

RBB, man. It sucks.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

After reading it I realized that elements of the book are actually applicable to marital relationships and talking to human beings generally. I revisit it periodically for a mental tune up.

When I have a mutually stressful interaction with my kiddo I usually realize with 20/20 hindsight that it could have gone differently if I’d navigated it in the manner described in the book. Just yesterday morning I (sadly) yelled at her because she was taking an impossibly long time to put her shoes on and we were about to be late for school. Afterwards I realized that she was probably having emotions about the fact that she recently switched schools. This morning she presented the same behavior and I talked to her and acknowledged her feelings. Then she opened up to me and told me how she misses our old morning routine and misses her friends from her old school and didn’t want to get dressed because she didn’t want to leave the house and could we just stay home and hug each other this morning. It was a moment of real closeness and understanding. Then I started trying to get her to tell me things she liked about the new school and reasons she could be happy there and she clammed up. I realized I was trying to change her feelings, a bad idea as described in the book. So I just told her it was hard and held her. She then willingly got dressed. By the time we reached her new school she had on her own come up with some things to look forward to.

There’s also a book specific to little kids co-authored by one of the daughters of the authors of the original.

I have to say I’ve been startled by the degree to which my three year old can participate in problem solving for issues related to herself, I don’t think it would have occurred to start the process with her as a young toddler if I hadn’t read the book.

Have you tried reading books on how to effectively communicate?

This may entail conflict resolution strategies, proper body language and eye contact, and conversation strategies.

I know it sounds quite mechanic, but it's better than nothing.

I've even heard this book provides unintentional tips when dealing with adults (it is intended for parents to deal better with children!)

https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=pd_ybh_a_18?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=MNQDXANPR0FJM3G6MV17

First off, good for you for trying to overcome your own childhood trauma (and yes, emotional neglect is a trauma) and do things right for your family. I am on the same path.

This might sound really silly, but are you familiar with the kids tv show Daniel Tiger? It's a cartoon based off the old Mister Rogers show. The relationships and scenarios are a little more tidy than what you'd see in real life, but I honestly have improved my parenting by using the helpful tips and emulating the adult figures in that show.

There are several books I can think of that have helped me. I would suggest reading more than just parenting books... it's important to heal YOU. (I don't know the details of your childhood or any of the issues that affect you now, besides what you've mentioned, so some of these may not be applicable to your situation.)


http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Our-Children-Ourselves-relationships/dp/1887542329/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023157&sr=1-1&keywords=raising+our+children+raising+ourselves


http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023193&sr=1-1-spell&keywords=coependent+no+more


http://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023212&sr=1-1&keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving+by+pete+walker


http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023231&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk


http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Kids-Children-Control-Their/dp/0310243157/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023293&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries+with+kids

that last one is a little heavy with the religious quotes, HOWEVER, even I as an atheist found the book excellent and applicable, and the message very very different from most Christian parenting books. So if you're religious, great, if not, this is still an extremely helpful book. They have an original version written for adults too, which I have not read.


edit: I see you've already posted at the sub I suggested.

Take a solo vacation if at all possible - even if just to a hotel in your area, but you don't go home. You need to hit reset on your life.

Also, a constant refrain on this sub is How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, And Listen So Your Kids Will Talk You have to seriously want to change and be consistent with your follow-through if you want it to help, though.

I think this one is fairly well-recommended around here.
https://www.amazon.ca/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
And Yale has a parenting course that deals with this as well (and it is free to audit: you can take the course but you can't take the test at the end and get a certificate):
https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

I highly suggest the book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk"

https://smile.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

One of the biggest concepts it helped my wife and I with was to stop giving our kids "punishments" and start giving them "natural consequences" for their actions.

Whenever they misbehave in a specific way then the consequence of their action is always somehow related to what they did, and to try to always make sure we warn him of potential consequences before they happen.

For instance today our son was playing too close to his sister's face with one of his toys so we warned him that he needed to not get so close to her because he might hurt her, and explained that there would be consequences if he didn't listen to us. Sure enough about 5 minutes later he accidentally bopped her in the nose and she started crying. I explained to him that because he hadn't listened to me and had hurt his sister as a consequence of his behavior he couldn't play with that toy again for the rest of the day and he had to leave the room and couldn't play with his sister for 10 minutes. He cried when I took the toy and then stood just outside the room sobbing until I let him back in and we talked about why he had to leave the room and why he needed to listen to me and be gentle around his sister. I think it worked out pretty well since he was more careful around her for the rest of the day, but I'm sure we'll go through the same thing all over again tomorrow.

That said, kids at this age being jerks who won't help is TOTALLY NORMAL and I absolutely snap at mine sometimes when I'm at my wit's end. If you're doing it right parenting is extremely hard work and nobody can be at the top of their game 100% of the time.

Remember that they aren't being jerks on purpose or with any kind of malice, they're just being jerks because that's what kids do. Their brains work differently than ours do and they lack the kind of impulse control and sense of responsibility that adults have. Part of what we're doing by having the same conversations/fights with them over and over and over again is helping them to learn the impulse control and responsibility that will make them successful adults.

Good luck! And please take a look at that book. It's a classic so you should be able to find a copy at your public library. It's a little hippie-dippie in parts but it has some really great suggestions and examples and it's helped me have a better relationship with my son.

For anyone who wants more help with talking to kids (and really anyone) I highly recommend the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I checked it out from the library last year and was just blown away at how great it was. Bought a copy for my own shelf.

Ugh, I wrote this whole post for you and then it didn't post!!!

I'll try to recap. FYI I have two sons, only child of an Nmom & Edad.

1. I think it's clear your son trusts you. You're doing something right.
   
   
2. It's a struggle for us ACoNs to know if we're doing a good job being parents, and I think that especially as golden children we have a hard time being critical. My parents say the same thing about me, how "good" I was and how I entertained myself. Um, I was good because if I wasn't, you didn't love me. But that's a digression. I would recommend checking out a few things about positive parenting. Two resources: this is THE book on positive parenting, recommended by the woman we took some parenting workshops with and my p-doc. http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
   
   Other resource: parentingbydrrene.com
   
   These two resources will walk you through what it looks like to have empathy for your kid. So when they're acting out, start with their emotional state. Acknowledge & recognize their emotions. Then you can offer them choices, ways to figure out how to solve their own problem. This is EXACTLY what we never received as kids - and let me tell you, when you get it right it feels very healing to be able to be that parent that you know you never had. My kids feel comfortable telling me that I'm annoying, they hate me, or whatever.
   
   Final thought - the three things that we, as parents, need to provide are simple. Structure, autonomy, and warmth. Often we had as children a lack of structure (we never knew what the reaction of our Nparents was going to be), a total lack of autonomy since we were just an extension of our Nparent, and warmth but only when the Nparent felt like it. You're asking the right questions. You're gonna be great. <3

I'd avoid being "right" or "wrong". Usually these blow ups are not triggered by the particular event but by what the child feels (rightly or wrongly) to be a pattern of irresponsibility.

If you can, see if you can get to the root of the issue. There's a very good book:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
that outlines a lot of strategies to open communication channels between parents and children.

How old is your child? Can you think of specific situations you have struggled with?

First, full disclosure. I'm not a parent, but I am wrestling with this myself while waiting to adopt an infant. I am also acting as a pseudo secondary mother to my teenage sister who is still under the thumb of our nmom. The work for the former, in conjunction with facing issues with nmom head on, has resulted in a huge difference with my sister. I used to perpetuate my mom's abuses, but since then an increase in empathy, patience and respect for autonomy has made all the difference. Situationally it looks different with younger kids, but it comes from the same place.


YMMV of course, but thus far our philosophy can be boiled down to a few core elements:

• Children are immature yet whole beings, entitled to every bit of respect that adults are entitled to
  
  
• Discipline means literally "to teach." Discipline =/= punishment, humiliation, or shame
  
  
• We "work with" instead of "do to"
  
  
• Parenting is the gradual process of perpetually stepping back
  
  
  Of my giant stack of books, I'd recommend:
  
  
• Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn Resource on gentle parenting. Heavily cited and supported by evidence. Also see The Myth of the Spoiled Child.
  
  
• Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel Addresses attachment theory, how it effects brain development, how childhood attachment style and trauma effects your parenting as an adult, and how to work with it. Also key is the difference between enmeshing yourself in your child's feelings vs guiding them through them.
  
  
• No Drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel I haven't read this yet, but I'm a fan of Siegel, so...
  
  
• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber This is a classic, very readable. Gives concrete strategies, and walks through practical scenarios. Discusses natural consequences vs purely punitive measures.
  
  
  If you're a busy parent who doesn't have time to read, I highly recommend this Siegel playlist about attachment and this video about communication and boundaries. Those two will probably lead you down a pretty decent youtube rabbit hole.
  
  Good luck!

It sounds like this is more about her voice not getting heard than anything else. You and your partner and meta might need to sit down and learn to listen.

I recommend this book. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1474335561&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen

I agree with the above she needs professional help right away. I also suggest you read “How to talk so kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will talk.” There is also a Teen version you may want to check out. Giving her a “homework time out” isn’t working nor will it ever work. Try working with her to solve problems instead of punishing her for them. ie “I like when the toilet is flushed. What can we do to help remember to flush the toilet?” Make a list with her (let her come up with the first idea. Write it down even if it’s outlandish. If she can’t think of anything then you say something outlandish/funny.) Once you have a list reason with her what the best one is for you both. The book goes into detail about this process.

It seems like you are on the right track! You were able to create an environment where you mostly stopped this behavior until it was triggered again. Have confidence in yourself and what you have done to get to this point.

It sounds like visits are causing her trauma cup to overflow with pain. To reduce the level of trauma in the cup, she needs empathy and positive support. Try validating her feelings: "sometimes it can be hard to remember how things used to be; it's ok to miss your mom and be mad at her at the same time" etc...Giving her her wishes in fantasy can help sometimes: "I bet you wish you could stay in the backyard all night playing!" and then allow her to talk about what she would do before transitioning back inside. The classic book How to Talk so Kids will Listen has great advice for supporting children's emotional needs: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=asc_df_1451663889/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312610812881&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11106678324434262084&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9006806&hvtargid=pla-406475557415&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=61194519294&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=312610812881&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11106678324434262084&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9006806&hvtargid=pla-406475557415

I've had some luck with playful engagement for snapping kids out of the "bad kid" role they sometimes learn to play in their attention starved homes. I'll act shocked and aghast and pretend to look all over the house for the "real" child's name. Or I'll pretend we are acting in a play and they are playing a role and then transition to the "scene" ending. TBRI has advice on this or read The Connected Child. https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/

First-then statements can help with predictability, trust, and felt-safety. "First we are going to clean up our toys, then we will go to the park etc..." If-then is also helpful for stating consequences when needed.

Reading her books at bedtime that explain the foster care process (she may have anxiety about returning home or suddenly being moved to a new family) and reassure her that you care about her no matter what. I absolutely love the book "Love you From Right Here." https://www.amazon.com/Love-You-Right-Here-Keepsake/dp/163296029X

Building in some sensory/regulation support proactively would probably be a good idea. Google sensory diet. You could also make a routine with a picture chart for her to help her sense of predictability. This is why playing outside likely calms her down. http://www.psychedconsult.com/uploads/5/5/2/7/5527771/9060909_orig.jpg The idea is that you do something every two hours like hopping on a hopper ball or carrying something heavy to help keep her brain and body calm.

Spending 5-15 minutes every single day no matter what to play with her one on one and use the PRIDE skills can cause remarkable change in just a few days. You can't ever take the time away though, no matter how poorly she behaves that day. http://www.impactparenting.com/storage/post-docs/PRIDE%20handout.pdf

Using time ins instead of time outs is a better practice whenever possible. Of course, as an adult, sometimes I am really the one that needs 30 seconds to get myself in a good place so I can be effective, so taking a quick time out first is sometimes needed for me. https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/userfiles/Downloadable%20Handouts/COS_Time-In.pdf

A Good Easy Read To Start With There's a teen version too.

You're still a long way off from teen years. Don't worry. 7 years old is normal to develop a crush but at that age a crush just means someone you think is a cute and funny. When she's along the lines of 10-12 is when most girls start having "boyfriends" but even then it'll be something that lasts a week at most. Don't bog her down with a lot of love advice right now. The best thing you can do is just listen. If she has a question, answer it, but don't give unsolicited advice because you will probably be wasting your breath. If you feel like you NEED to give advice one thing you can say is, "Would you like to know what I would do if I were in this situation?" and she'll probably say yes and want to hear it.

Definitely give her some books about her body's changes and how to say no and all that. Amazon has a lot of good ones. There was one by American Girl called The Care and Keeping of You which gives age appropriate advice on puberty and hygiene. Girl's Life magazine is GREAT for young girls. It gives age appropriate advice, has a lot of learning content, and a lot of articles about puberty. Having "the talk" just once is not enough. It's a series of conversations. And having books and magazines to refer to over time is so helpful. You don't want her googling to find out those things or asking her friends.

Don't spy on her, ever. The one time she catches you doing it, she will pretty much never trust you again. Also, unless she very seriously does something to break your trust, do not do things which would invade her privacy without her consent. Stuff like going through her phone or taking her bedroom door away. That's stuff you should only do if you think she might be a danger to herself and others and you have to do a serious intervention. Girls take their private space very seriously. If you raise her right and make her feel safe, she will come to you before you ever have to go to her. I promise.

Oh hon, I feel you. This gets me because I felt the same way. I still do. I have a 19 month old toddler.

Start here: Parenting from the Inside Out.

This book will really help you decipher your family, and really give you hope and tools for not reproducing their problems onto your little beauty of a tiny awesome person.

It's pretty straightforward and incredibly useful.

Then read this and this. Yes read them while you're pregnant because again they will give you hope and insight.

Buy this book and start reading it now too. We call it the Baby Bible in our house.

It's a survival manual for the first year of their life. It has everything. I don't know how many times we've pulled it down and flipped to the index at 2:00 am. It's better than Google. It's fantastic. (That said, it has an angle like all parenting books, even though it tries not to. They are attachment parenting writers. Nothing wrong with attachment parenting per se, just an awareness all parenting books have angles, even the impartial ones.)

Also, if you're anything like me, avoid all the happy, glowing, blowing-stardust-and-glitter-up-your-ass, pregnancy books out there. These did nothing but enrage me. I'm talking about What to Expect and similar. Unless you like stardust and bullshit, avoid avoid avoid.

Basically if you go to a thrift store and there's 8 copies of the damn pregnancy or parenting book on the shelf, don't buy it.

Instead check out books like this and this and this.

Now I haven't read those exact books, unlike all my other recommendations above, all of which I've personally read as a scared, overwhelmed pregnant lady or new mom. But as long as you stay in the 'brutally honest' lane and away from the 'syrupy sweet, guilt laden, shame' lane, then you'll be fine.

Even in 2019 there's a mountain of mommy advice bullshit books out there. Keep your instincts and your wits about you, don't forget who you are. Stay strong. And work on yourself with books like Parenting from the Inside Out and the How to Talk books.

In addition to all these wonderful suggestions, I'd like to recommend a book.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1451663889?pc_redir=1408849554&robot_redir=1

Most libraries have a copy. I am not a big parenting book person, but this book has a lot of good suggestions in it.

Yes, all the time. My kids are 1 and 3. This book was good and helped me: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1451663889/ref=sxl1?qid=1463775586&sr=1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65

How about The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? Focuses on the Collaborative Problem Solving approach (see also www.thinkkids.org), which views temper tantrums as a delay in the development of emotion regulation skills and works on building those skills. Jed Baker's No More Meltdowns is another great option with some similar ideas.

For general parenting -- including dealing with tantrums -- I love How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish. Dawson and Guare's Smart But Scattered helps with executive functioning skills-development of all types (emotional regulation is an executive function; others include things like organization and planning).

Oh, and I haven't made it all the way through it yet, but The Whole Brain Child has some good ideas on how to talk about distress tolerance with kids, e.g., "surfing the emotional waves."

Just today someone recommended a book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. (amazon: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889)
And from what I can tell from its marketing blurb, it looks like empathy is at the core of their advice. I intend to purchase it and read it soon.

I read a great book called "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" and I've been following that advice to the best of my abilities and building the kind of relationship where I think my kid would tell me these things. These things take years, and have to be two-way relationships. I never interrogate my kid or pepper her with questions, but when we spend time together I often get long, involved stories about things.

A couple of thoughts:

1. Quit telling her that she's doing a good job. Tell her instead "you're working hard at that." For a gifted toddler, their vision of what they want will never ever be as good as they can create. You want her to learn that it's about the process, not the product. You really want to avoid praising her for being "smart" (and having others do the same) when she starts school. Read Carol Dweck's work on growth mindset: https://www.mindsetworks.com/parents/default\
   
2. Figure out YOUR boundaries and then when you set them, be firm. Smart kids who can win arguments with you as toddlers NEED clear boundaries that you enforce no matter how hard they tantrum. Like typical 2-5 year olds, they're trying to figure out how the world works. If it works differently on different days or differently if they tantrum vs. not, then they are very unsettled and the unknown makes the world a scary place. I recommend Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book: Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles. Stanley Greenspan's The Challenging Child also helped me a lot.
   
   1. If dad says no story until something is tidied away and she says "mum can read the book," then your reply is "You need to tidy that away before anyone reads to you." Let the ensuing tantrum happen (see below).
      
   2. For the light example, I'd say "you're right, that one doesn't hurt. What's the difference? Can you always tell the difference? That's why we have to be careful." Not everyone bit of her "defiance" is true defiance. She's trying to figure out the boundaries of her world. She's two and so she's still very very literal. (When my son was two, I told him that all cars had exhaust pipes. He had to check each car we saw for the next week.)
      
3. Give up trying to avoid distress. Instead focus on helping her cope with her distress. I, too, have a super bright, emotionally intense daughter who's now beyond early childhood. She feels deeply, she's easily frustrated, and she has experienced more negative emotions than many other children. I don't want her to feel less, because that's part of who she is. She feels passionately about social justice and is now finally in a position to begin to work with organizations to effect this change.
   
4. Teach your daughter (a) that negative emotions can be withstood and (b) they are not the end of the world. You have to figure out what helps her when she's in distress. For one of my kids, I needed to back off and leave him alone because ANYTHING I did overstimulated him. When he calmed down on his own, we could cuddle and talk. For another, I need to be there to help her calm down (even now as a teen). I would lay down with her on the bed and hum very softly while she sobbed. For helping kids recognize emotions and deal with them, I recommend Dan Siegel's work: The Whole Brain Child and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen by Faber and Mazlish.

I was never officially diagnosed until my second attempt at u-grad, but my mom recognized ADHD was rampant in my dad's fam and did her best to explain reasoning to me, and to ask me to think things through. She used How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk to great success. I wasn't very old when I read it, and said "Hey Mom, why aren't you using X method?" =P

Get the book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk," and then when he's older, get the sequel for teens. They're brilliant.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/0060741260

Thank you for reaching out for information and advice to help your daughter and as well your relationship with your wife. Your situation is like Shrodinger's Cat and no one knows whether of not your daughter has autism. However, your question is: how should you and your wife view and parent your daughter until the assessment?

I am guessing your wife has a list of behaviours to support her belief that your daughter have autism and you mention that she stims. You said that OT and SPL believe she has autism after 10 minute assessment and her teacher and your mother does not. When you said you don't want to put her in a box and focusing on what she can do, do you mean you believe: 1. autism should not be used as an excuse for certain behaviours? 2: your daughter should be held to higher expectation despite her shortcoming? 3. your wife's list of concerns about your daughter can be overcome with your style of parenting

Your post offers very little factual information about your daughter, what exactly you and your wife disagree on, unless this is literally an argument about syntax and definition.What are the concerning behaviours? Who is the primary care taker of the child? Let's stick to facts we know about autism. Autistic female tends to be under diagnosed because they tend to be able to 'act more normal' for lack of better terms. OT and SPL are trained professionals on developmental disability and the teacher and your mother are not. If OT and SPL can offer an diagnose on your daughter within 10 minute, you must then use your logic to decide 1. are these professionals are wrong and teacher, mom, and us, who have no training in diagnosis are right? or 2. does my daughter have clear signs of developmental delay?

Also, there are many other developmental delays, physical or psychological conditions that can be possible. For example, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, Language Disorder, Selective Mutism, Social Anxiety, etc etc etc If your wife is concern about your daughter, it is worth the effort and the time to take a closer look, to be thorough, to be prepared, and support each other through this difficult and scary journey. It is always better to be more vigilant than negligent.

Let's say your daughter does not have autism. However, your wife has must have pointed out some difficult behaviours that she needs help tackling. Most experts agree that strategies used to help autistic children to thrive are superior parenting and teaching techniques for every child, even neurotypical ones. You do not need to wait until the diagnose to get the help your daughter and your wife needs. If you can let us know what behaviours your wife is concerned about, we can help you come up with good ways to manage or redirect regardless if your daughter's diagnose.

If you do not trust our inputs can be objective or effective for your daughter, I recommend How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. This is a parenting book for neurotypical children, but the skills are also useful for children with autism.

I hope this helps.

P.S. Don't focus who is right or wrong in a relationship. That way everyone loses. The most important thing here is that your daughter thrives. Focusing on succeeding not winning.

Check out the chapter Freeing Children from Playing Roles in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, which gives many tools for addressing this.

Hope this doesn't come across as a criticism of your approach. I've just been thinking about this topic a lot lately.

(Edit: I have also mentioned this book in other threads, but it has been life changing.)

I have read the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin which is targeted to stepmothers and is about stepmothers mostly. I thought it was really good in validating the really shitty stuff that we don't often like to admit (jealousy/anger/etc.).

I also read How to talk to kids so they listen and how to listen to kids so they talk because as a non-bio parent walking into a relationship with an 8 year old girl, I had a lot of learning to do, including communicating with a child (that wasn't a student/cousin/neighbour's kid/etc). Sometimes the example situations are overly positive but I've taken a lot of the techniques on board because who doesn't want to be listened to at the end of the day?

That's all I've really read in depth and that has helped me. The best thing tho in my opinion is to seek counselling for the family if it's really hard or at least couple's counselling. Because it all depends on the relationship of the couple...

One suggestion that may seem odd (depending on who you're interacting with): How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It gives specific advice and examples, and even has some exercises to help you absorb and practice the material.

It's obviously focused on talking/listening to kids, but much of the advice can be applied to any relationship.. I know that the first and most important point—to just acknowledge the other person's feelings instead of denying them or offering advice—has helped me become a better listener. The "offering advice" and "just acknowledging" approaches are demonstrated in this Parks and Rec clip, which introduced me to this idea.

You'd probably also get a lot out of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk and "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children" by the same authors.

I struggle with this, too. It has been very painful for me to realize that I have parenting blind spots that were (of course!) just not visible to me until I realized that my own damage (or adaptations or whatever word you prefer) from my upbringing is significant and pervasive.

This isn't specifically a book for ACOA people, but I really like it, it's the most useful parenting book I've read, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen"

https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

It's still hard, though. I regularly run into triggers where I realize that I have deep veins of stuff I haven't worked through. I'd love more resources for parenting as an ACOA, too.

My wife and I just finished this book. I plan on reading it over and over as my son (2.5) gets older:

http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

Ours are 2 years 7 months apart. He's 6 months today. My daughter hit 3 with a vengeance pretty much right after the baby was born. Suddenly everything made her angry, she didn't want talk, everything was a challenge. No more potty training, started hitting Grandma, yelling loudly, didn't want to go to bed. We were/are tired, it was rough. Lots of arguments. But the good news is that I read this book and it is amazing. I wish I had started reading it 3 months ago when I bought it but I was probably sleeping.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

Ugh that sounds exhausting... In my experience, terms like threenager and fournado make excuses for bad behavior simply based on their age. Time for some tough love parenting... maybe check out how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk this book

I recommend this book https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889 it's over 30 years old so it's probably available at the library so you don't have to pay as much.

I recently red it after seeing it recommended on /r/parenting many times and it really is great. Chapter 3 is about 'alternatives to punishment'. That title is a bit misleading because the alternatives include options that I call 'punishment' like natural consequences (cleaning up a mess you've made). But that's just different definitions I suppose. Anyway I was a bit skeptical at first but I've used my kids as testbunnies and was amazed to find it works. The book is, unlike other parenting books I've red before, very hands on with real life situations rather than philosofical parenting.

There's a book for that.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

Sometimes the language is a bit awkward because the kids in the book might not sound like the kids we have, but the underlying principles still apply. I think it strikes a good balance between giving specific strategies and explaining principles. It's not too gimmicky, yet it gives you enough detail to implement ideas.

I found this book, "How to Talk so Children Listen, and Listen so Children Talk"to be helpful. While the focus is on communicating with children it has techniques that can be useful for communicating with adults. It doesn't help with reading body language but it helps with techniques on clarifying what other people are talking about and keeping a discussion calm.

This book might seem an odd recommendation, because it is aimed at child psychology, but the fact is that most aspects of psychology cut across ages. It has useful lessons for communicating with anyone: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1451663889/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0
and it specifically addresses the issue of praise.

Read this book. Link

In addition to some of the other things people have suggested, I recommend sitting down with your daughter and explaining to her that you grew up in a house where you were yelled at and belittled. Talk to her about how it made you feel. Then explain that you realize you are doing the same thing to her, and that you will be doing some things to fix it.

If you are the type to read up on things, I have two suggestions: "Anger" by Thich Nhat Hanh, and "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk"

Get this book.

It's a book for kids of all ages but it has a lot of good examples for parents and teenagers. It's crazy how little you need to change how you have your conversations and your whole relationship can change.

Not much more to add. Personally I binged on TV shows I hadn't seen; not sure that was the best move but yeah it did give me something to do, a bit of a passion to indulge. See I am a bit of a geek but through vagaries of having been in the army and other things, had missed out on a lot of TV. A relatively undemanding hobby helped me just tune out the world when that innner voice gets too busy.

Don't be afraid to call on your friends to get out the house for a drink (or whatever.) More than ever this is a time where if it all seems to be going to hell, you need to be with a good friend you can trust. You don't need them to be confessors or anything, just good company that you can call on who'll understand if you're not super chirpy.

I count it as a triumph that I'm still good friends with my ex, I think that's helped a lot. It sounds like you may have been in a similar situation to myself, a partner who didn't know how to communicate. You'll beat yourself up about it but realize it takes two to tango and there's only so much you can do. It may help to read a book about communication: this one gets a good rap. Not so much because you need to learn, just because that that's the way I personally work through things. Okay so I didn't do so great at that, how can I fix this? It's doing something positive.

All that worked for me, hope you find your way and bounce back :)

This book is amazing!

https://www.amazon.ca/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=nodl_

For the parents: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1418143809&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+talk+to+kids+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk

I can't recommend this book enough. There is a reason why it is still a best seller. They also have a teen edition as well.


For the kids: http://www.amazon.com/Pout-Pout-Fish-Adventure/dp/0374360979/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1418143839&sr=8-1&keywords=pout+pout+fish

There's lots of rhyming, with a cute story, and a good moral at the end. It's one of my favorites that many people don't know about.

Read: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen.... I swear my life by this book.

Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1451663889/

Check out the Love and Logic series by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, professionals who worked with foster kids with severe behavioral issues so it focuses on non punitive discipline but is awesome. On their website they have a whole list of resources for children and 7 to 12 years age group as well as a link to their main book Parenting with Love and Logic.
http://www.loveandlogic.com/c-11-ages-7-12.aspx

Another fabulous one is How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1451663889?pc_redir=1406625612&robot_redir=1

Good luck, she's fortunate to have a loving father figure who cares so much!

I wouldn't call them methods so much as trial and error lol. I ran into this book in the library when I was pregnant and determined to parent without the violence and stone walling I grew up with. At the time it gave me an interesting look into forms of communication I had never experienced at home, and got me looking into the idea of teaching instead of controlling. I just sort of rolled those ideas up with the thought that I would treat my kid how I would want to be treated. I wouldn't want to be screamed at, smacked, guilt tripped, second guessed, or automatically distrusted, so I do my best not to do those things. I read everything I could get my hands on, took the good that worked and tossed what didn't. As I said, everything isn't sunshine, kids aren't perfect angels, and I don't expect or want them to be. I want them to know that everyone makes mistakes, it's ok to screw up, but the important thing is admitting when you do screw up and being genuine in your efforts to fix it. Above all we value treating others with respect and everything else just stems from that.


As it relates to the snacks, I provide the snacks, they get to choose which one they want at that time. If they eat them all in the first day, they don't get anymore until my next shopping trip. If they eat too much, then don't eat their dinner and are hungry later, too bad. The snacks are always of a decently healthy nature, such as cut up veggies/fruit in bags, yogurt, pretzels, applesauce, cottage cheese, and mixed unsalted nuts, so even if they gorge on it I'm not really worried. Sweets are something we tend to cook together or we go out for, but even sweets don't get devoured in a day here. I'm rambling so I'll be done now.

There is a fantastic book https://www.amazon.fr/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889 take what you want from it but there are great advices about these issues which are normal ! All the best

Might be a good idea to read a parenting book or two. I think a good one to start with would be "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk."

http://smile.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

I've seen a bunch of docs give out "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" for some behavior and basic stuff https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

He might be advanced! I do know that at around 5-6 years of age it is very normal for kids to lie. A psychiatrist told me that it is a stage of development where they realize that their experience is different from your experience, and that things can happen without you knowing. They experiment with telling you the wrong thing about what happened and see if it works. Some kids lose interest - others experiment with it a little longer...

My daughter was 7 when she went through this, but she nearly drove us crazy. She stole things and would be SO insistent in her lies! Once I only got her to break by telling her she had been seen by the security camera. I started to worry I was raising an axe murderer. These days she is almost a teen and is one of the sweetest & most genuine kids I know - we get this feedback from all her teachers, too, so I know it isn't just our perspective.

One thing I really recommend is that you keep calm. You aren't raising a criminal. Four-year-olds don't start fires for the same reasons that 14-year-olds do. He was curious, and then he knew he had done something wrong. That's a great sign, actually. He sat down and awaited his punishment - imagine how sweet this scenario would be if he had, say, broken a glass, and then did the same thing.

It also sounds (with your clarification) like you have a lot of time with him, and this isn't about his life changing recently...

It's probably just a stage.

I can't tell you how many times I have thought I had failed as a parent because of something my kids had done, and the next week it was over. Keep calm, keep loving him. And keep looking for effective punishments - between my two kids, what has worked for them has changed frequently & has been different for each kid. So I can't tell you much about that except to not give up.

The only parenting book that really helped me, and changed my interactions with all kids - was this one. Read it!! It is amazing! I went from a lecturing, nagging mom to one whose kids listen. It ROCKS.

I had similar issues with my kiddo. This book was pretty helpful :

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1451663889/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_XUlKub1JTMGBQ

I think it depends on the child.

If you have time to read, I think the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk has some helpful advice on engaging cooperation.

I came here to cautiously recommend therapy. My recommendation caused strain on our relationship. It turns out guys don't want you to send constant emails about every therapist within 20 miles who sees kids... If they go to therapy and you're privy to the info, read up on the diagnosis to see how you can help them thrive! I'd also spend less time parenting and more time reading up on step/parenting. Terrible twos often bleed into the threes. Reading was incredibly therapeutic for me.

Stepmonster - popular here, I'm a fan
Single Girl's Guide - never read, well reviewed
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen
The Whole-Brain Child
Subtle Art - best book ever

It took me almost a lifetime to get this down.

This book helped me more than anything, and everyone I told about it said it changed their lives. Don't get caught up on the "kids" thing. It works for adults too.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk

How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk - wonderful book that I think you will find useful in dealing with 3-8 year olds ( and older children of course).

Screamfree parenting taught me to...well, not scream so much. It shows that you have to let go of trying to controlling the kid and try to actually focus on yourself, your behaviours and your responses. It was groundbreaking for me.

Trust is a two way street. If you don't trust her, she won't trust you. I suggest reading some books to help you learn how to listen to and talk to your daughter. It sounds like there is a pretty big communication breakdown.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

This is also available on audio if you have long commutes. Try to get her to educate herself on how to spot toxic people.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310210844/ref=mp_s_a_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1495213388&sr=8-10&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=toxic+people

Also try to get her to educate herself on what to look for in a lifetime partner.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0440215757/ref=mp_s_a_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1495213453&sr=8-1-spell&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=are+younthe+one+for+me

We aren't born with the knowledge of how to have healthy relationships with healthy people and we have to make mistakes to figure it all out. The best thing you can do for your daughter is give her the knowledge needed to navigate this cruel world. It's up to her to apply that knowledge. Good luck!

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk https://www.amazon.com/dp/1451663889/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_Nx5DAbHSMFV2J
Despite the title, this book really offers some widely applicable advice on effective listening. It's also written for busy people, so it's an easy read. Get past the title, and you've got a really practical book that's good in a number of different circumstances.

Three comments from the perspective as someone with ADHD and as a parent:

1. How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk will probably be a good read for you. My parents barked orders at me constantly for 18 years and I didn't want to do that to my children. This book is full of strategies for communicating with your children while maintaining discipline and respect between both parties. It's a great read.
   
   
2. My parents didn't provide the level of emotional support I really needed growing up. Granted I was very hyperactive and defiant and that probably tired my parents out quickly but they were more concerned with me doing exactly what they asked from me than they were concerned about how I felt at any given moment.
   
   
3. The thing about your ex-husband sounds frustrating. I think if you do #s 1 and 2 above your son will begin to see you as a resource rather than an obstacle and may very well buy into your/his routine and management plan even when he's at his Dad's place.

3 was the worst...the worst. One parent told me "They tell you about the terrible twos, but nobody talks about the F***-you threes."
How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk was a lifesaver for us, as was the attitude of "I just work here" when applying the rules. Sorry buddy, that's the rules. No arguing or screaming. Only one tantruming child at a time, please (I would say to myself while doing my birth breathing to keep from screaming in a very un-pediatricianlike manner). It also helped to verbally vent "Stop acting like such a three-year-old!" because it reminded me that he was...well, three.
I would say we considered selling him to Gypsies for about 4 months, then seemingly overnight, magically, he internalized our rules (which had never changed and were always consistently enforced) and became fantastic again. I would hear him put his toys in time-out while he was playing and instead of angry harsh "You're bad! You're in time-out! I don't want to play with you!" to his dinosaur or whatever it transitioned into "You made a sad choice and you are in time out. I will come back when you are calm." I loved hearing him echo our improved self-control and patience. Hang in there. 3 sucks, but 4 is pretty awesome.

No-Drama Discipline, Raising Human Beings and How to talk so kids will listen are three feet away on my bookshelf right now. These were absolutely vital to me as a new parent.