Reddit reviews How to Win Friends & Influence People (Revised)

This is my so-called "cheat sheet for not being an asshole." It's a text file that I've added on to little by little over the years. It's not my own advice. It comes from different books and websites (I'll cite the sources I can remember at the end).

I've added things that I believe will make me less of an asshole when interacting with other people. You see, this stuff doesn't come naturally to me. Often in the past, I've gotten the impression that maybe I was being an asshole. I never knew why exactly, but I did know I wanted to work on it. Before going to a social event, I'll glance over it and try remember and practice the things in it.

On getting defensive:

• No defending, explaining, or justifying. Say someone tells me I'm wrong. If some part of me is upset, needs to counterattack, or is otherwise affected, then there is something for me to learn about myself: something to improve. Additional feedback or introspection is needed. If I find no such reaction, then he or she is just giving his opinion, of which I have no need to argue anyway. So, I can just say "thanks for that" and be on my way.
  
  When talking with others:
  
  
• Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.
  
• Become genuinely interested in other people.
  
• Become a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
  
• Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
  
  On humbleness:
  
  
• Avoid dominance.
  
• Downplay your self worth. Respect others and hold them in high regards. Thank them and give honest and sincere appreciation.
  
• Don't try to outdo someone else to look better or smarter. This includes having to be right. Even "I know" shows dominance. Say, "interesting, thanks for that."
  
• Don't give advice unless explicitly asked for it. More often people want to be listened to than to be offered a solution.
  
• Don't judge. Act as a tourist would when observing a strange and culturally different event. The tourist doesn't judge the people but is instead just watching. Apply "tourist brain" to regular life. That person wants to do it that way for some reason that you possibly don't understand. There's no need to get judgmental over it.
  
• Instead of comparing two people, say what exactly it is that you appreciate about his/her skills. In place of comparisons, simply make observations. Appreciate people for who they are.
  
• Don’t talk about people behind their backs.
  
• Play down your significance. Redirect praise to the others involved.
  
• When wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
  
• When someone tries to teach you something different, take them up on it and remain open. Don't be afraid to make mistakes.
  
  Sources:
  
  
• http://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/defend-explain-justify_b_832000.html
  
• How to Win Friends and Influence People (Highly recommended reading!)

> I’ve always had issues making friends

This made me sad reading this just now.

Only yesterday I came across a post here entitled '16 book recommendations to help you think, grow and prosper' that reminded me of a book I read so many years ago I had forgotten about it, which was Carnegie's How to win friends and influence people Amazon link - read the reviews

If you were to do one thing at the great age of 30, would be to focus on improving the quality (and then the quantity) of your circle. Yes it means taking an interest in people. Yes it means getting out of a comfort zone. Yes it means learning a new skill. And according to this TED talk on the centenarians of Sardinia it may well mean living longer.

I say 'great age of 30' in that you've got the rest of your life ahead of you, and as said above you have a great attitude. And as an old poster says, 'your attitude determines your altitude'.

And you are in /r/DecidingToBeBetter so good on you.

The issue isn't that you're studying too much, since you seem to have enough time to socialize. You also probably have things you care about other than studying (Game of Thrones, at the very least). It's more that you have trouble talking about things other than what you study. You have trouble engaging people in conversations that they find interesting.

The good news is that this is a skill that can be learned. The even better news is that it's a skill that can be learned through study and conscious practice, just like your schoolwork. Your studies start with this book: http://www.amazon.com/How-Friends-Influence-People-Revised/dp/067142517X/ Originally written almost 100 years ago, it's still considered the gold standard when it comes to developing your social life. It's also only a buck on Amazon.

Congratulations on your promotion!
How to Win Friends and Influence People is a classic and probably available at your library.
I also like the Ask a Manager blog.

Thanks for writing this, I appreciate it, you wrote it well and made some excellent points. Communication can be a tricky thing to be sure. There is a book I have read that I suggest checking it which may yield additional insight into the subject of communicating with other people.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/067142517X/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&psc=1&linkCode=ll1&tag=zvnfhlebcd-20&linkId=df5e63da3ee432ce407114c71f3baf1a Worth a read, I think.

Of course I can, I am retired from the military.

I own guns.

War would be one scenario.

What kind of skirmish do you expect to encounter in your day to day civilian life that may require a high capacity semi-automatic rifle? Who could you possibly have irritated so horribly that you may have to use that kind of fire-power?

If you have angered people so badly that great numbers of them are coming to your house to murder you; may I suggest this book?

It might be more effective then getting involved in a firefight.

You don't have to be an outcast. Nobody wants to be.

Read this book, it will change your life.

https://www.amazon.com/How-Friends-Influence-People-Revised/dp/067142517X/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474033203&sr=1-3&keywords=how+to+win+friends+and+influence+people