Reddit reviews I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality
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I Hate You Don t Leave Me Understanding the Borderline Personality
This is a imitation how some people behave in relationships. They push you away and the second you leave or they leave, they want you back.
There is a book called, "I hate you, don't leave me"
This book might help. There are some others that are recommended that look appropriate as well.
https://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213
I'm not saying this to diagnose your mom, but rather to direct you to some literature that might get you some support and potentially help you understand some of her behaviors. I'm in a similar situation with my mom, and a counselor at my university recommended the following two volumes (I found them at my library, but ended up buying them since they were so useful to me):
Whatever you decide to do - cut her out of your life, enforce strict boundaries, or simply build a better support network for yourself - I wish you luck. It's not an easy road, but making sense of that kind of behavior helped me cope immensely.
It takes a long time to figure that out, and I've only just started. I don't know if you've done any research or therapy to really process your part in the relationship (not that you're to blame, far from it). For most of us who are nonBPD in these situations, often we fall into Codependent or Caretaker categories.
Stop Walking on Eggshells
I Hate You Don't Leave Me
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist
For me, I particularly connected with the Stop Caretaking book - I researched codependency and talked to my therapist about it, but it didn't really fit. But the Caretaker traits are my behaviors and reactions to the letter. What I really appreciated about that book was the context was basically "Don't try to figure out or fix the BPD behaviors. Instead, here are concrete examples of what to do for yourself and your sanity."
I'm on my way out (divorce from a 12 year marriage), so I'm one of the biased ones who don't think a BPD relationship is sustainable. But even if you make the choice to stay, there are tools to help you survive.
I'm posting this with a heavy disclaimer that I suspect a friend of mine has BPD and that I'm in no way qualified to make that assessment. Mods, if I'm in violation of some rule and you need to delete this, delete away.
We've been close for 9 years and I've been her shoulder and ear for that entire time. She's newly married and not reaping any of the honeymoon phase benefits, because she's still entirely stuck on something that happened 4-5 years ago when she met her husband:
He told my friend "Jane" he didn't want to commit to monogamy with her, and she kept dating him anyway, under the pretense of monogamy, because she was really into him. After a few months of this arrangement, he slept with another girl and told Jane about it, and then said he was ready to stop seeing other people and date Jane exclusively. Since then he's been 100% faithful, patient, wonderful. Jane admits this to me on her good days.
On her bad days she's jealous, insecure, and angry. I often feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her because if I say any one of 1,000 trigger words, she'll remember the other woman (let's call her Mary) and give her husband hell for a week. I've put myself in the uncomfortable and unhealthy role of trying to protect their relationship by putting her in a good mood before she goes home to him.
Last week she decided to search Instagram for photos of Mary and she discovered that Mary (who lives on the other side of the country) now owns a stylish business. In the days that followed, Jane and her husband have discussed divorce. (They've been married for two months.) I don't have an accurate timeline of events so I can't be sure whether this whole thing started with idle curiosity and snooping Mary's photos, or if Jane was already feeling jealous and decided to feed it with more. I believe she has a tendency to let her general anxieties manifest as insecurity in her relationship, so it could have been triggered by anything.
Jane lives her life vascillating between an obsessive fear of losing her husband to another woman and suggesting that she's a horrible person and not fit for relationships. He proposed to her in response to her dumping him because she was upset about him sleeping with this other woman 3 years earlier. The phrase "I hate you, don't leave me" rings very familiar to me. I brought up yesterday that I believe her behavior is emotionally abusing him and her response was "I make up for it in other ways." (I didn't ask her to clarify.)
She's also very focused on his promiscuous past. She brings it up to me on what seems like a weekly basis, and I know that he hears about it as well. Earlier this week she asked me how such a promiscuous person could last with one partner. I insisted that he loves her, he's changed, he's committed his life to her, etc. He's a really solid guy and probably my favorite of my friends' partners. I truly believe he'll stay faithful. (ETA: Jane also occasionally laments her husband's prior serious relationship with a girl who I admit is really not pretty. I don't know if she expects him to have never dated before, or what.)
Her jealousy is a huge problem. Once or twice a month they have a fight over it. She once blew up over spotting a woman hit on him in a bar and he harshly denied her. (The woman approached him from behind and touched his face, and he firmly removed her hand and avoided eye contact.) Jane's convinced that since her husband is so attractive, one of these women is going to slip through to him. I've warned her if she continues to let this be a problem, he's going to leave her and she's going to say she saw it coming all along. I feel like I'm watching a car accident in slow motion and I can't do anything to stop it.
Again, I'm not qualified to make any sort of diagnoses but based on my intimate knowledge of my friend and my bystander's understanding of BPD, I hope this is insight is helpful.
I am no psychologist but this really sounds like BPD. DH should read I hate you - Don't leave me to better understand his mother. I would also recommend Stop Walking on Eggshells. I hope he really does realize just how much better his life will be without his mother in it (I'm sure you'll point it out from time to time). Here's hoping the NC is extended indefinitely! :)
Welcome!
Understanding The Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson is an excellent (but expensive!) read. Try to get it from a library if possible.
Stop Walking On Eggshells by Paul T. Mason and Randy Kreger is also very good.
I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus is another good one.
These are the books I have, and if I've read them (as a lot are still on my To Read pile - uni keeps getting in the way of my reading!) what I thought of them:
Book, Author | Reaction
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I Hate You, Don't Leave Me Kreisman & Strause 2010 (a later edition than the original) | Like many, I came away from this book actually more depressed about my condition that I was going in. It is based on older research, when the prognosis for BPD wasn't as good as it is now. Personally, I also found Kreisman & Strause had an assumption that the formative trauma or emotional isolation would come from the maternal figure, which isn't the case for me.
The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide Chapman, Gratz & Hoffman, 2007 | This book was really, really helpful. Not only does it have a more optimistic take on treatment outcomes than I Hate You, it's also (IMO) better written. Very good at navigating how to take steps forward when you are first diagnosed. This is the book I would recommend everyone get when they first receive their diagnosis.
Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder Aguirre & Galen, 2013 | Some people find the concept of mindfulness to be new age hippy dippy shit. Not me. I love it. This is how my brain works best at coping with BPD, and I've found this book to be extremely helpful as a self-help option. No, this is not full DBT - but it's a really good starting point and management mechanism to keep things in check. It's also really good to develop skills at realistic self-analysis, to be mindful of when your borderline behaviours are going off, so that if you can't stop them to begin with, at least you can recognise what you're doing, pull back and apologise where necessary.
The Dialectal Behavioural Therapy Skills Workbook McKay, Wood & Brantley, 2007 | This is not helpful, and to be honest when I showed it to my former psych and said I was struggling with it, he said that it wasn't the best DBT workbook. The exercises are very hard to do solo. I suspect it works better as a prescribed workbook to a group DBT course. Save your money on this one!
Coping with BPD Aguirre & Galen, 2015 | Yet to read this one properly, but from skimming through it so far, I think it will be good. Very structured, and very targeted at "when you feel X, you can do Y, Z...."
Sometimes I Act Crazy... Kreisman & Strause, 2006 | I'm reading this at the moment. In the foreword, Kreisman & Strause explicitly say "wow, we got lots of feedback from people with BPD for I Hate You that they came away very despondent and feeling negative about their treatment chances, which is not what we intended.... so this is a new version designed for patients, psychology students and professionals." It more constructive and focused on positive treatment options than I Hate You but I still find their style of writing a little ... blah. And it needs more case study examples than Princess Diana. That's not helpful. I mean, it kind of is, because like Marilyn Monroe she's a famous figure whose "dramatic" behaviour can be post-death explained by a diagnosis of BPD, so it helps people come to grips with "oh, THAT's what BPD is like" but personally? Not that helpful.
Beyond Borderline: True Stories of Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder Gunderson, 2016 | I haven't read this yet, so can't really give any feedback. But as you'll note from this and the next book purchased at the same time, I'm seeking out more than just "OK, so you've been diagnosed with BPD, what does that mean?" now and looking specifically for "this is manageable, you will be OK, it just takes work"
This Is Not The End: Conversations on Borderline Personality Disorder Martin, 2016 | As above - can't judge it yet as I haven't read it, but hoping for some reassurance that things might be OK in the future.
I think, unless I come across a really well recommended book, or a future psych recommends something, I might put the brakes on buying more books on BPD, just because most of them deal with the same stuff - diagnostic criteria, how BPD manifests in people, how to treat it, how to manage mood swings and maladaptive behaviours, etc.
I Hate You, Don't Leave Me and Sometimes I Act Crazy are another couple of good books to read. Also, look for stuff by Marsha M. Linehan. She pioneered treating BPD with CBT/DBT. Might as well get info straight from the source.
Yes, you can. But not without therapy. It is possible to apply therapy to yourself, so hope isn't lost! It does require a lot more effort than seeing a therapist does, and for some people just having another person help with the problems is key. There is an advantage to healing yourself. Your therapy will be perfectly targeted and personalized in a way that even the best therapist couldn't, if you are able to gain the right knowledge. And change will happen faster. You're free to spend as much time as you want at no $$$ per hour instead of once a week or whatever.
Basically, your end goal is to understand yourself fully so that you can change. The best way I've found to do this is reading. In my case in order to have the motivation to change, I needed meds. Perhaps when I'm fully in control I can come off them, but for now they are necessary. You of course have to decide for yourself on that issue. The next issue is finding the right books, which will also be different for each person. Once you've read a book on BPD, you'll start to see the nuances of the disorder that you do or don't have. Every personality disorder covers a wide range of traits and not every person has them all. But to make a diagnosis being too specific isn't helpful. So you may find that you don't have what you thought you did or you may be more certain than ever. Whats the next step? Find a good book targeted at your best guess as to your issues. Amazon has been a wonder for me on this. As well asking for opinions on forums specific to your disorder is a great way to get good recommendations. You can also find people that have done this before you by just googling 'best books xxxxx'
Here is what I recommend - read I Hate You--Don't Leave Me and if afterwards you are certain you have BPD, continue on that track. Probably read this next - The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. If BPD doesn't seem entirely like you, then use what you learned you aren't to narrow your diagnosis and try again. Also, you're going to see mindfulness thrown around a lot. Its essentially the first step in meditation. It works. Its real, we have reinvented the wheel in order to treat mental illness caused in part by not teaching meditation in the first place. Probably.
If you want to get the books and read them on your computer, I can help you do that for free. If they help you change your life, then buy the hard copy. If you need the hard copy or just prefer it, they aren't that expensive.
That's the name of a book on Borderline Personality Disorder.
Borderline is one of the most common personality disorders diagnosed. However, it is often misdiagnosed in place of bipolar. With bipolar, manic depression can present in similar ways as borderline.
However, there are key differences between the two diagnoses. Borderline is characterized through the person's relationships with other people. There is often this perceived sense of abandonment (typically traced back to some kind of childhood trauma) with relationships that a client with borderline will go to extreme measures to prevent. There is a great book called I Hate You, Don't Leave Me that does a great job of describing that intense need to keep relationships. Clients with borderline are typically some of the hardest clients to keep safe because they will often use self-harm or suicidal gestures in order to meet that need for relationships (non-strengths based wording would be that a client with borderline is really good at manipulation to keep people around).
Bipolar disorder is all about the energy that a person has. Mania comes across as intense levels of energy, and then the depression side looks like the stereotypical major depressive disorder. Bipolar disorder is often rooted in genetics rather than a result of trauma/separation. Bipolar disorder symptoms can mostly be managed successfully through medications, but borderline personality disorder is treated with a form of therapy called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy that teaches skills on how to maintain healthy relationships and be at peace with yourself.
***If anybody here watches the show Shameless (US version) on Netflix, Shameless is an amazing tv show to depict mental health needs. >!Ian in the show is a very classic example of bipolar, presenting with high levels of energy in some seasons and then falling into deep depression in other seasons. In season 8, Cassidy (Carl's girlfriend) is a PERFECT example of borderline personality disorder.!<
Sounds like borderline personality disorder honestly.
If she does have BPD, a therapist with decent bedside manner would be a more appropriate person to break the news to her.. If you said it to me I'd say you can't diagnose me, and when you told me my old therapist said so, I'd begin to imagine the treachery leading up to YOU MAKING ME LOSE my therapist.
BPD can mean we think that there is a threat behind every smile. If you love her enough to try to understand her I think you would see a great world of hurt and begin to understand why she acts the way she does which may make you find more reasons to stay then just kids. I found the book I hate you don't leave me to be a great resource for seeing both sides of my BPD (my side and the people around me).
http://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213/ref=pd_sim_b_12?ie=UTF8&amp;refRID=1APT6RTJGTADRWP5FMGX
I dunno about your wife, but for me BPD means I suspect people aren't being honest with me (about how they feel about me, about their motives etc..) basically I don't think people say what they really think. IE: My girlfriend says there is nothing wrong when her mood is obviously sour. Since she is lying I think she is upset about me. The reality often is she is just tired. Since she didn't say she is just tired she said "nothing" I take it as a lie.. and since she is going to the effort to lie about that then she must have a reason to lie, a reason like "she is upset with me". See how this works? it may be fucked up but its my natural thought process, DBT taught me that what goes on in my head is not necessarily reality, so I don't react. But it still works much better when my gf just says she's tired.
Honesty is key for me and I would suspect other borderline people, but remember that honesty without compassion is cruelty.
I recommend the book "I Hate You - Don't Leave Me".
I think that it would have saved my marriage if she would have told me that she had BPD before the divorce.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399536213/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=1944687582&amp;pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&amp;pf_rd_t=201&amp;pf_rd_i=0380713055&amp;pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&amp;pf_rd_r=7Y50PT8SG8634CZ3SKKC
You have a disorder that will need years of therapy. I have a book recommendation for you.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0399536213
I recommend this book for any close family member and yourself: I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: http://www.amazon.com/Hate-You--Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1375200296&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=i+hate+you+don%27t+leave+me
My wife suffers from bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, i have to be very patient with her, since I know her emotions and impulses can drive her life.
It seems to me, for what you said:"I have become a mean, controlling, and incredibly needy girlfriend." That you may have some abandonment issues(search term in google), this book may also help:
I hate you, dont leave me.
I would recomend you to look for some afordable counselor in your area, one that you can keep for the period of time that you may require. Also, I would recoment you to visit a psychiatrist at least once, to evaluate if you need medicantion(which i hope you don't, because their side effects can be a pain in the ass, but if you need it, it may be worth the hassle).
Talk with your boyfriend and tell him about your depression and anxiety and how that affects you, if he loves you he will deal with it. Also show him that you are working to stablize your emotions, which will give him some hope that thing will get better, and last but not least; tell him how much you love him and and that you love being together.
I highly recommend the book Stop Walking on Eggshells for a more in-depth understanding of Borderline Personality Disorder. My dad was possibly BPD, but went undiagnosed. This book really helped me understand his temper tantrums a lot more.
Like others have said, people with BPD are capable of love, but can also live in a duality between idolizing someone and hating someone. There is another book about BPD called I Hate You Don't Leave Me which discusses that aspect of BPD. Even while someone with BPD is having an episode of "splitting" and says that they hate you in reaction to a small disagreement, they're also deeply afraid of you abandoning them because they do still love you.
However, people with BPD can have very intense and destructive interpersonal relationships, especially with family who are much less likely to abandon them compared to a romantic partner. I have done years of therapy for PTSD from the daily abuse my dad gave me. There are still things I resent about him and the experiences I had growing up, even though he has passed away. Even if your mother loves you, like my father loved me, you still don't deserve to be treated poorly, and you don't have to forgive the past.
The healthiest thing you can do is to establish clear boundaries.
When you're rightfully upset by your mother being cruel to you, don't snap back with "you" statements like "You're so mean, you're a bitch, I can't believe you would treat your daughter this way, nobody likes you when you're like this." (These are hypothetical statements, please don't assume I mean this literally.) When "you" statements are used, they are critical and contemptuous, and usually garner a defensive and more extreme attack in response. You also don't make your feelings known, because they are hidden by insults.
Instead, use "I" statements to talk about your boundaries in first person. "I do not deserve to be yelled at and I need you to stop immediately." Then enforce them with consequences like, "If you continue to yell at me, I will not be coming to visit anymore, because I don't want or deserve to be treated this way." When "I" statements are used, the other person is less likely to feel attacked and criticized, and you make your feelings clearly known to the other person.
I hope that helps. Please continue to work on these emotions with your therapist. I think you're at the beginning of a huge breakthrough.
>Sometimes it feels like love is supposed to feel. Sometimes I feel so indifferent and numb towards him that I think it's just my mental illness telling me to find someone to cling to.
Sometimes this is called Dependent Personality Disorder. Its where we only have just ONE person, usually an SO who is completely burdened with our need for validation and emotional support. We think we are "in love". The problem is that these relationships are often short lived and you end up with an emotional support dog. Channeling my therapist here.
Its a good read, if you have time:
https://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1521604040&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=i+hate+you+dont+leave+me+book
Have you ever heard of the book, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!?
I haven't personally read it but I worked in a women's prison where a lot of women did. They used it in their therapy groups and it seemed to help them come to grips with their BPD.
BTW... it's been refreshing to chat with you. It's helps me to see people who struggle with BPD as real people. Thank you. Also, I commend you on your progress.
The best book I've read on BPD is "I hate you...don't leave me". amazon I found it pretty hard to get a lot of good info online about BPD, the stuff is pretty fragmented. Subbing here over time helps when you can see people making threads about what they're dealing with and realize aspects of the disorder that you didn't of yet think about that you share.
Depends how much work you feel like putting into this. Read about what she might be going through, what treatments are effective, realize the limits of what you can do and you could conceivably create a very helpful adjudicative role in her recovery. By realize the limits of what you can do I mean try to get her a good doctor, don't expect to be her doctor.
https://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213
https://www.amazon.com/Rebuilding-Shattered-Lives-Post-Traumatic-Dissociative-ebook/dp/B000WCTLM4/
https://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Behavioral-Treatment-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/dp/0898621836/
https://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1539141356&sr=8-1&keywords=i+hate+you+don%27t+leave+me
husbandofbpd: fear not, you aren't alone! My wife also has bi-polar but moreso BPD. I'm probably one of the lucky few that actually had Abnormal Psychology in college (as well as getting my minor in PSY).
Anyway, hopefully she is on meds (the right amount is critical) and is going to counseling as well. How old is your wife? BPD shows up late teens and gets easier to deal with the longer you have it. Mine is 28 and is doing much better than she was even 4 years ago. Anger management is sometimes an issue; but not nearly as bad.
Have you read the book "I hate you, don't leave me" yet?
BPD is the most treatable personality disorder and it's possible to recovery from it completely but it requires a specialized approach.
Here's a video that's a good starting point: :https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygnuwulYLYI
A playlist with more videos:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RrGNbcN8cM&list=PLaZELV1Tbq-Ow4bfdNFU-0ekVoF3fcFJn
A book that goes really in depth about the disorder:https://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=i+hate+you+don%27t+leave+me&qid=1564528922&s=gateway&sr=8-2
Hi there! I am the same way. I saw a psychiatrist when I was younger but I honestly don't have much recollection from those days and my parents would sit in on some sessions so that obviously wasn't helpful.
Last winter my depression was really acting up and I decided that I needed help, so I reached out to my boss and he helped me get in with a psychiatrist but that ended up being pointless because I felt like she was judging me...I admit now that this was probably in my head but I wasn't ready to go back and face my fears so I bought the following workbooks:
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD -
https://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/1684032733/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
and
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical Dbt Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation
https://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/1572245131/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o06_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I also bought the book - I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality - for my partner to read, to help him understand me a little bit better. I bought it because it's really hard for me to express my feelings and all the things that go on inside my head. It's a hard read because we can relate to a lot of it but it's healing as well.
https://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/0399536213/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
All of these books have been extremely helpful. I hope this helps you out a little and can get you started on your journey towards healing!
Wow. This is a lot to deal with. You've done a nice job of detailing your situation.
The book that I recommend is I Hate You Don't Leave Me It does a good job of breaking down how to communicate with someone with BPD in a way that is genuine and honors both people in the relationship.
Your wife needs DBT and regular therapy and likely meds to even out. I know you said she's been in therapy for past trauma and abuse but it probably wasn't DBT. You also should have therapy to deal with this challenge. You don't want her chaos to destabilize your mood state. Couples counseling is good but probably less important than her being in therapy and on meds.
You should also discuss with a psychiatrist the challenges associated with pregnancy and don't get her pregnant until you both can make a very informed decision to take that step.
Disclosure: I am a therapist
So sorry to hear what you are going through. I am from the opposite side of the spectrum. I have issues, have not been diagnosed. I think from a logical standpoint, (or illogical) all women will have a tough time with there man talking to other women. I could not do a long distance relationship. Does she have anyone to talk to other than you? I can understand the pain that trauma causes, it literally changes how you are wired. How often do you physically see each other? 8 months is not a very long time. I have been with my husband for 16 years and I STILL struggle with things, I have been in therapy for a long time, and have learned specific skills to cope. When I am away from my husband, even for a few days, I find myself struggling, But, like i said, I have learned to talk myself and work through it. I disagree with others in saying that she will just get worse and can't be helped. ANYONE can be helped! It does depend on her. Try to point out logical things, in a VERY gentle way. To be someone that can't manage emotions well, the best way I can explain it, is that during an emotional fit, you literally are unable to concentrate on anything OTHER than the specific feeling. Try to get her to use the phrase, "Yeah, but." So for instance if she is freaking out about that she isn't your priority, have her say to herself, "Yeah, but what if I am?" Challenging her OWN thoughts. Ultimately it is up to you how you deal with it. Accept her as she is now, and know this is the best she can do, right now. Beyond that, it is a day to day thing. And learning how to cope yourself, and help her cope, and help her challenge herself can be hard, I am sure. Possibly encourage her to start writing. Writing is very therapeutic and can possibly be a good way for her to sort out her thoughts. Contrary to the other posts, (and please I am not trying to be argumentative here,) - Love, and understanding is possibly the only thing that can truly help her, even if it seems like it isn't. When she needs space, just give her that, and communicate that you are not abandoning her, you are trying to help her. Sometimes it is true, I just need to be alone, however the assurance of knowing by giving her her space you are trying to help her, and are not going anywhere, may help. My husband sometimes gets upset at how much reinforcement I need. I try to work on that, and it can be extremely hard to remember that not everyone "just leaves". However, it is probably important to know, that even after 16 years of being with the same person, I still do struggle with things that are upon later talking through I realize are irrational fears. It is definitely work.
The world can be a really overwhelming place for someone who is more sensitive than the normal person. She is just different. Not necessarily bad. I feel sympathy for all the horror stories I have heard of people with BPD hurting others. I am so sorry to hear that. I want to say though, not everyone is bad, it is just the severity of pain, and it is entirely dependent on the individual the choices they make. It does take two people to tango as well, although the majority of time it can be one person instigating. Try and remember this is not your fault, or her fault. It is just a difficult situation. Suggest to her the book: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Personality Disorders by: Jeffrey C. Wood. It has helped me a lot!
Try to also establish healthy boundaries with her. Try something like, "I need to be able to socialize, It really helps me be able to deal with life easier. This doesn't mean I am leaving you or are not a priority. It is just something I need. I also love spending time with you, and want you to know you are loved." Obviously, reword it in a way that makes more sense to you. Something along those lines. Really though, for it to work, you both need boundaries that are healthy. She also needs to respect your needs while knowing you aren't going anywhere. I am just guessing, based on this post, she already senses or suspects your doubts. So if you want to end it, do it before wasting either of your times. It would be unfortunate to prematurely end something that could be alleviated, and if you really love her that would also be sad. However it would also be sad for both of you to waste your time on something that you are not sure of as well. The decision has to be made of what you are willing and able to deal with.
Sorry for the continuing edits, just trying to help here. Consider suggesting natural remedies to help alleviate. Aromatherapy has been a helper for me. Lavender is a great oil to smell when you are feeling upset. It has been shown to be useful for many things. Just smelling it in times of stress can send signals to your brain and work to calm yourself down. This is a very unscientific way to explain it, if you look into though, there have been a lot of good things researched and said about it. Thanks for listening.
Here is one more book. I haven't read it, it got good reviews though. I will probably check it out too.
https://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213/ref=pd_sim_14_4?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0399536213&pd_rd_r=HSZD3ZTAT547C1Y8SD5Z&pd_rd_w=T5dSN&pd_rd_wg=le172&psc=1&refRID=HSZD3ZTAT547C1Y8SD5Z
I Hate You, Don't Leave Me is the only one that comes to mind.
http://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213
https://www.amazon.ca/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213
I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me
Book about psychology
It can be very difficult to break up with a BPD (assuming she is one of course); they continually raise the stakes to keep you around. The title of this book is pretty apt:).
-Repetitive self-destructive behavior, often designed to prompt rescue.
-Chronic fear of abandonment and panic when forced to be alone.
-Impulsive behaviors that often embarrass the borderline later.
-Poor social adaptation: in a way, borderlines tend not to know or understand the rules regarding performance in job and academic settings.
-People with BPD are often bright, witty, funny, life of the party.
-They frequently have difficulty tolerating aloneness, even for short periods of time.
-Their lives may be a chaotic landscape of job losses, interrupted educational pursuits, broken engagements, hospitalizations.
-Many have a background of childhood physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or physical/emotional neglect.
link
Start with this book. It was a revelation for my entire family, my sister especially.
Nobody should make diagnoses over the internet, but, based on what you've said about her here, it's my personal opinion that your sister most likely has BPD.
To answer your question: there is a very high correlation between BPD and drug/alcohol abuse (just as there is between bipolar and drug/alcohol abuse). People with these disorders often turn to substances in order to numb the emotional pain that they're feeling when they're unable to use healthier coping mechanisms. Of course, the mental illness and the drug abuse combined make each respective problem even more problematic, so it's a particularly difficult cycle. It sounds like your sister would benefit from some dual-diagnosis-oriented treatment, but I'd say that the therapeutic work regarding her personality is the first priority here.
As far as how you should conduct yourself around her: this is a very complicated issue. I would personally recommend that you get your own therapist; even though they may not have specific experience in working with family members of those who have BPD, they should be able to help you deal with some of the difficulties that have arisen in your life because of your relationship with your sister. Also, I'd suggest getting some books about this topic, here are some good ones:
The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells
I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality
I'd recommend the first one for starters, and the second is good also.
I'm sorry to hear about your sad situation and am wishing you all the best, from one internet stranger to another.
I agree that mental illnesses are hard to diagnose when someone's an active alcoholic. You might be right about bipolar ultimately, but I also read your post and instantly wondered about borderline personality disorder. Perhaps you could read up on that and see if it rings true? If so, there is lots of helpful information online and books that might give you insights and advice. I've heard lots of positive things about "I hate you, don't leave me: Understanding the borderline personality" (https://www.amazon.com/Hate-You--Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213/), but have not read it myself.
I don't have any stats about success and recovery rates, but if this gives you a little hope: my Dad sobered up a few years ago, after more than a decade of misery and very heavy alcohol consumption. My Mum stuck by him throughout his drunken years and they're now enjoying a second lease on married life. They appear to me to be more in love than ever. It is lovely to see. It took a near-death medical crisis for him to stop drinking. He's had no relapses that I know about since then. Success stories do happen.
This book is pretty informative
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0399536213?fp=1&amp;pc_redir=T1
Some resources that have profoundly helped me are:
*Healing Through Dark Emotions
I haven't read it yet but heard good things about this book it as it focuses on teaching other about BPD:
I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality
Ask your therapist about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. There is a good workbook I use and also helping me learn skills to beat BPD. It was actually developed for those suffering with BPD.
Friends are difficult, but maybe take a leap and reach out and call someone. You don't have to pour everything out at once, but maybe just chat about something small that's bothering you. Journaling helps too. But you also have to accept that in our society, we are very emotion-phobic. Not everyone can handle talking about strong emotions because we are taught to bottle everything inside and pretend to be happy all the time. Fuck that. Feelings are feelings and people like us just feel stronger than most.
Life does suck sometimes. Sometimes you can be alone. But you are ultimately in control of your life. Learn as much about yourself and you will soon find that life gets easier if you build a strong toolkit.
This sub is a good resource. I hope that you can find as much support here, because we all stand in solidarity.
I'm not sure about writings by people who were borderline personalities, but if you want a good place to start learning about the condition, I recommend:
https://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213