Reddit reviews Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage

There's a book called Intended for Pleasure that has some extensive instructions on how you can work on this very problem together. DM me if you are interested in the book and you can't quite swing it atm (health issues are expensive!). But Christ has hope for those who need it.

I encourage you to learn patience, as I imagine he probably feels pretty crappy about the whole situation too. The point behind marital love is not what you get out of the marriage. Marriage is meant to mirror Christ's love toward the church - the love that led Him to sacrifice Himself on the cross for our sins long before we ever loved Him. Love is not only the overwhelming passion you feel when you're dating, but it's the commitment you make to your spouse, whether times are good or bad, easy or difficult. In fact, being married happily is work. You have to do it intentionally - it doesn't come naturally every day like it does when you're dating.

Now, it sounds like you feel alone with your upcoming treatment, and being distanced from your husband. Is there a way you can make efforts to reconnect? Go on a date, or even just doing something together you both enjoy that doesn't have to involve sex. You said that before you were dating, you were close friends - lean back on that foundation, and be forgiving to your husband. I'm quite comfortable assuming that every fight you have, he knows what's at the root of it, and feels the accusation that it's all his fault. Do you think you could come to the place where you don't blame him for the sexual issues? Yes, they have to do with him, but it doesn't sound like he's doing it on purpose. It could make a difference if you look at it from a new angle - his body is separate from his will, and his will is for this not to happen.

Also, you mentioned your temper - I know that feeling. But I've also learned that anger like that is sinful anger - and to overcome that, I had to practice taking control of my thoughts. So, for instance, when my spouse does something "typical" that usually leads to me being inconvenienced in one way or another, instead of just getting upset, frustrated and enraged, I have to counsel myself. "The anger I'm feeling right now is completely unjustified; my spouse has not offended me - I'm angry at a future slight that I'm simply anticipating." We have the power to direct our emotions, although it's not commonly utilized in society. That being said, you can CHOOSE to love him emotionally again. You have to look for qualities that are positive, even if it's the smallest thing ("He takes out the trash without me asking", for instance). They add up, and you'll find he is lovable. But you have to be loving and choose to look for it.

Along with other advice here, for intimate times, I would recommend:

1. Go very slow. Take your time.
   
2. Use good lubricant (never the warming stuff).
   
3. Though many people make fun of it, I highly recommend 'Intended for Pleasure' by Ed Wheat - I don't agree with everything in there, but if you go through it with your wife, I think you will both benefit.

> I think she feels guilt over doing anything sexual

This is one of the most damaging parts of the Purity Movement. It (mostly unintentionally, I hope) tends to ascribe all sexual thoughts and feelings as Dirty, and leaves people full of shame and guilt over natural human feelings.

The worst part: Getting married will not change this feeling of guilt. It has to be dealt with, confronted, changed. Maybe seeing a pastor will help, but many of them will just want to reinforce the "You're not married yet, stay pure" vibe, and virtually none will want to get into actual issues of sexuality and shame.

A psychologist should be the better support person, but they unfortunately don't have the spiritual authority (in the mind of the shamed) to pardon the religious side of the shame.

It took my wife over a decade of intentional work to get past it. Sometimes it still crops up. I fight it some, too, but because I rejected everything related to Christianity for a time before coming back, I was always more ready to throw out the "from people" issues of religion when they were harmful.

What you can do:

• Start reading books on married sexuality now. I'd start here and here and here. I've heard this one may be decent for her, but can't speak to it personally.
  
• Start talking through what sex will look like when you are married at the end of the year. If this doesn't get awkward and, uh, warming, you are not doing it right.
  
• Ask her how she thinks the guilt feelings will change after the ceremony. Talk through how to start to confront the feelings now so that your wedding night is the bliss she probably imagines. Ask what you can do to facilitate that, and be prepared to do things that are difficult for you.
  
• Be prepared for it to take a while. It's ok if it does. Remind yourself that physical intimacy is just one layer of this relationship, and that the others matter. And know that making the other layers of intimacy stronger will help with the physical intimacy.

Congrats on your engagement! What a fun time it is :)

Videos are great, yes, but premarital counseling and reading (reading, reading) books where you can discuss together and write your thoughts/ideas/feelings together is hugely beneficial. I'd recommended Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (https://www.amazon.com/Saving-Your-Marriage-Before-Starts/dp/0310259827), How We Love (https://www.amazon.com/How-We-Love-Discover-Marriage/dp/1400072999, and Intended For Pleasure (https://www.amazon.com/Intended-Pleasure-Technique-Fulfillment-Christian/dp/0800719379). There are so many more!

We read Intended for Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat and his wife Gayle Wheat as part of our pre-marital counseling. Both of us found it very helpful.

I've heard good things about Sheet Music, which was published more recently, I think.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0800719379?pc_redir=1412321771&robot_redir=1

Wife and I read this as part of our premarital counseling.

Look into Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage

Probably this one: http://www.amazon.com/Intended-Pleasure-Technique-Fulfillment-Christian/dp/0800719379

I have a friend who worked in a Lifeway Christian Bookstore in college, and she said when she was cleaning the men's bathroom after closing, there were often 'Christian sex books' in the stalls that she would have to restock, unless the pages were too sticky. Gross.

As a Christian pre-marital sex manual, Intended for Pleasure was given to us by the person doing our counseling and was a good book to read. https://www.amazon.ca/Intended-Pleasure-Technique-Fulfillment-Christian/dp/0800719379

I also second the Five Love Languages book and there are quizzes you can take online that correspond to that book: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Not from a Christian perspective, but John Gottam's The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work is a good resource. It also has worksheets and questionnaires you can do together: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0752837265

Also, congrats! Such an exciting time, may God bless you both as you get prepare for your marriage.

There's a good book titled Intended For Pleasure that you -- and she -- might find helpful. The two of you could use it as a common basis of discussion. That will help you know if she's "repressing her sexuality" or just delaying it (in my mind, there's a difference -- repression sounds very negative, and unhealthy. When I'm hungry but waiting on a nice dinner, I'm not repressing my hunger but I am delaying the satisfaction of my hunger). She can talk about which parts of the book she agrees with and which she doesn't, and you can better understand her.

Edit to add: I'm a guy who waited until marriage. Most my pre-teen and teenage years I was told "sex is bad", never about how it can be great in marriage. Thankfully, I read Intended for Pleasure before getting married. It, and other people's comments, helped me develop a much healthier outlook towards sex.
Depending on how early you are in the relationship, it might be a bit early to be discussing this in depth. I don't know her, but there's a chance that if you put too much emphasis on this too early she'll think that's your primary interest.

Check out the book Intended for Pleasure .

Otherwise, general tips I can give:

1. Take your time. Both during the act (long kisses and lots of warm-up) and in discovery (women can take up to two years before even experiencing an orgasm with their husband, especially if they have been taught that sex is all bad or that their pleasure wouldn’t matter in marriage).
   
   
2. Stop using a toy altogether. That’s cheating! Try to explore your wife’s body with your own. Use all your senses. Listen to her responses, and encourage her to get more vocal as she gets more comfortable.
   
   
3. Make sure you’re not slacking in other displays of affection: non sexual physical touch, the Five Love Languages.
   
   
4. Help her get comfortable before. Maybe she should take a bath and use a bath bomb. Maybe she should throw on a bit of makeup or some lingerie sometimes. Maybe give her a non sexual back massage.
   
   If I think of anything else, I’ll comment again!

Rest in the pleasure that God has made in marriage.

My wife read "intended for pleasure" ( https://www.amazon.com/Intended-Pleasure-Technique-Fulfillment-Christian/dp/0800719379/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=intended+for+pleasure&qid=1566927300&s=gateway&sr=8-1 )

we were both virgins, and it took us a few days of trying to figure out how this works. There is some pain at the beginning, but you will get the hang of it. Be open to exploring, tell your husband what you enjoy, what turns you on, and ask him what he enjoys and what turns him on.

Adventure is out there - go discover together

If you want the science, then waiting to have sex until you are married is, for most people, the best thing you can do to maximize happiness in your marriage, and satisfaction in your sex life.

http://waitingtillmarriage.org/category/statistics/

Speaking from experience, my husband and I waited, and we think that it really helped. We were able to develop our sexualities and our sexual styles together. What turns you on is shaped by your sexual experiences. By waiting to be with only eachother, you are more likely to be compatible, not less.

Remember to communicate. Sex isn't as easy to do as it looks in the movies. It took my husband and me almost two months to consummate. Other people manage it on their wedding night. Whichever type you are, don't forget to communicate about what feels good to you, and what you want.

Please do talk about your expectations for sex before you get married, though. Talk about frequency, what you'd like to try, what you don't want to do, etc. And then, keep that conversation going. As you guys start enjoying your intimacy together, you may find you want to try things you didn't think about before. My husband and I found this book invaluable. Seriously. It was better than the Guide to Getting it On.