We found 24 Reddit comments about Intimate Connections. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
I hope you one day get the chance to realize your dream :)
My hobby since I was 12 or so has been computer programming, and I am very fortunate to have become quite good at it, so I work remotely a couple days a week and make enough money to fund my travels. I think I had about $3000 in the bank when I left, as a buffer to get me started.
I had been dreaming about traveling for the last two years as a college undergraduate, and there were a certainly a couple "f it I'm going," moments. One was when I posted a curb alert on Craigslist and gave away all the stuff I couldn't keep in the corner of my parents attic. That night I was sitting my empty house having a beer and thought, "well, I guess I'm committed now." The second was buying a plane ticket. I procrastinated on that for some reason, perhaps because I was overthinking where I would start. Once I dropped $500 on my flight to Madrid through statravel.com (great website btw for super cheap flights if you're a student), that's when it became real.
I mainly use hostelbookers.com or hostelworld.com for recommendations, as well as suggestions from fellow travelers and hostel staff. Tripadvisor.com is pretty good too but I think that tends to cater more to a non-backpacker crowd.
Random unsolicited advice:
Use a small hiking backpack (something like 30-35 liters), and a smaller handbag to carry all your stuff. You want to be able to carry all your luggage on an airplane and not have to check anything. This messenger bag is great for your valuables.
Get a small combination padlock for hostel lockers.
If you decide to go, I wouldn't rush to buy a Eurorail pass. I'm sure it's helpful to some people, but I haven't actually met a single person yet who has one. Backpackers these days tend to be more serendipitous with transportation, either using skyscanner.net for budget airlines (I flew from Seville to Barcelona for something like 30 euros on Ryanair, but make sure if you use carry-on that it matches their size/weight guidelines or you will pay a 50 euro fee. One trick is to take a bunch of clothes out of your bag and wear them all at once, but you feel like the Michelin Man and sweat a lot), buses, or BlaBlaCar is very popular these days.
Try local beer everywhere you go.
Keep a journal on you all day and jot down random thoughts, things you do, etc.
Get a decent camera. Don't be like me and think your smart phone will cut it (how I took this picture). Now I'm actually trying to find a camera to buy. I want a used Canon Powershot G11/G12/G13 or something and haven't found anything yet in former Yugoslavia.
Be social, get out of your comfort zone, hang out in hostel lounges, and participate in their events. Speaking of which, try to find smaller, more intimate hostels, even if you want to party. Everybody staying in a hostel likes to party, and smaller places actually offer better chances to meet more people.
One piece of unconventional advice, this is something I alluded to in another comment. Solo travel can either be a wonderful opportunity to learn to love yourself, or you could set yourself up to be lonely and depressed. I recommend this book, which uses cognitive behavioral therapy to treat loneliness, help you to love yourself, and become a more attractive person (it's tailored more towards dating but is actually very beneficial even to people already in relationships). When you travel by yourself, you're somewhat in a vacuum and can experiment with core personality traits, and doing so with the help of scientifically-proven therapeutic techniques is so powerful.
If you're going for a while, you might consider exercising. I carry a set of resistance bands around with me and do weightlifting 3 times a week, modeled loosely around p90x. Day 1: back (pullups) and biceps (curls), Day 2: chest (resistance pushups), shoulders (resistance overhead press), and triceps (resistance tricep extension), Day 3: legs (resistance squats or lunges) and back (resistance deadlifts and pullups). About 16-24 sets each day, alternating your body parts after each set.
There's so much advice I could give, but the first half of this book goes pretty in depth into everything (the second half briefly goes into specific advice for different countries). Rick Steves is an authority on traveling Europe, but he tends to cater more towards the older hotel crowd, so I would get Lonely Planet Guidebooks specific to any region you're traveling.
I hope some of that massive brain dump was helpful :)
Edit: one more thing. Get an unlocked smart phone and buy sim cards wherever you go. You can get them everywhere, they cost just a few euros, and let you use several hundred megabytes or a few gigabytes of data, which is super useful for google maps and looking up random stuff while walking around.
Edit 2: For completeness, as someone mentioned below, rome2rio.com is another great website everyone uses to find transportation
There are so many good books that have helped me figure out, if at least not why I am like I am, but at least how to change and be a better person. Some of the recent ones are:
How to win friends and influence people.
It's understandable how pathetic people who read the cheesy opera book club self help book of the month are. Or at least I understand that people feel that way about "self help" books. Oddly, I started down this journey of self improvement when my girlfriend left me. Looking for answers I went to r/seduction. And after I read a bunch of posts, (as well almost everything on this site), I had answers. Lots of of them. Mostly that I needed to get my "inner game" in check before I could move on and be the person I wanted. So I got those books they recommened, and wow. I haven't internalized it all completely, that is I haven't walked the whole path yet, but just having a road map helps so much than being lost and alone.
TL;DR it helps to have help
Intimate Connections and How to Win Friends and Influence People.
I had the same issues. I didn't get laid till I was 20 something. Like others have said work on your social skills in gaining friendships then work on getting women.
That is how I did it. I read the good book and it guided me well. It was written by David D. Burns called intimate connections. Linked https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/0451148452/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1528733340&sr=8-1&keywords=intimate+connections
Get the book and follow its advice. You will soon have close friends and the ability to get dates. Its not gonna happen over night but it does happen.
there is a book Intimate Collections, by David Burn that talks about being alone, and he says exactly that when you think you are a weirdo for beeing alone at a night club you are overthinking it, for example, do you really think about other people being, or not, alone in a night club?
BTW I'm also from spain :)
> I feel a sense of social pressure that I am supposed to play the game.
In what ways? It sounds like you are letting others act upon you rather than exercising your own agency.
> Also nobody has ever adequately explained how to escape the paradox of not
> caring that your basic human need for social interaction isn't being met.
Check out this classic work by Dr. David Burns. You have let go of your perceived need for social interaction and become self-content. You must fill the void left by lack of friends with something else, which is a well lived life. You don't need others to do this. How you peceive the situation and how you act are choices. This is the essence of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Once you let go of the need of others and improve your own situation and make your own life, you increase your attractive qualities, which bring people to you. If you cling to others and give up your own agency for social validation, you turn people off or worse invite predators who exploit your weakness.
You mention having a lot of issues here about depression and having a low self-image, this makes it hard to project a positive, attractive image. So for some people, socializing with people makes them self-conscious and a nervous wreck, we don't even see the signals other people are giving us, and we aren't even aware that we're giving signals back. And usually those signals are random, even unintentional, so we end up repelling people, even though that's not what we wanted at all.
So a lot of us have these "inner game" problems that we have to settle, and get into better thinking patterns. Then we are better able to make an emotional connection with people and become intimate. I think I would recommend a book to you, it's by a psychologist who developed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, it's a way to replace self-defeating thoughts with positive ones. The book is Intimate Connections by David D. Burns M.D.. That book is actually a sequel to his first book, Feeling Good: the New Mood Therapy. I have read them both and I think you could do well with their program.
CBT has a lot of tools to help with this. I'd even wager that you're not actually unattractive but that you've conditioned your mindset to see yourself this way. Cognitive distortions can quite literally change the way you see the world (including yourself).
I'd recommend any of these books by David Burns:
Read up on some cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). Two good books for that:
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
Your biggest problem is your self esteem.
Self esteem sometimes sounds a bit lame because it was overused in the 90's, but it basically just means you are happy and content whether you are alone, with friends & family, or with strangers.
Here's a great book on improving your self esteem. The basic premise is that you end your negative self talk and start valuing yourself. If you learn to enjoy and value your time alone, you won't need other people. When you don't need other people, you won't come across as needy, so the normal people that you want to be friends with won't be put off by you. Eventually people will be attracted to you and trying to become your friend, instead of it always being the other way around.
FYI, you can probably find a pirated pdf of the book online if you look around so you may want to sample it that way, but it is a good book so I would recommend buying it as well.
Also, based on your dressing style I'm going to guess you have some sort of childhood trauma (abuse, divorce, etc.) that is the root cause of your self esteem issues. It's just my guess so I may be wrong, but if that is the case you should try working through those issues with a therapist, or good psychology/self help book.
Best of luck.
I know you're joking, but if something inside you really feels this way, there's a book I sincerely reccommend: https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/0451148452/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1469548148&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=intimate+connections
Yes, I know the cover and title look cheesy, but this book literally changed my life from feeling like "Nobody is ever going to want me and I'm going to die alone!" to "I'm completely comfortable with being single right now". It just really shaved off that feeling of desperation that can so easily eat someone like an INFP up.
You should love yourself first always. One book I highly recommend you read is "Intimate Connections" by Dr. David Burns.
Since you're familiar with CBT, have you read Intimate Connections by David Burns. I'm only a little ways through it, but I really like it thus far.
Read "Feeling Good" and "Intimate Connections" by David D. Burns.
I studied these books, and they greatly helped me overcome my loneliness/depression. They aren't bullshit pseudoscience hippie self-help books. The advice they give is simple, and I can pretty much guarantee your life will improve if you follow them.
So you're saying there's still a chance!
Honestly though, the way you're describing her shows that you're probably still in love. That's cool and all but perhaps look at how great you are. What special skills do you have? How did you get there? It was probably due to practice, lots of it. Socializing I found is the same, if I wanted to focus in it, I can be social, but generally I'm not and I'm fine with that. I have other abilities that enjoy using to make life fun (in my case it's programming), and truly enjoy helping others.
Check out this book that really helped me on my journey: https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/0451148452/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1536795998&amp;sr=8-1-fkmr1&amp;keywords=dr+david+burns+intimate+connection
It's an oldie but a very goodie. Good luck brother!
Try reading Intimate Connections - It's an evidence-based approach to tackling loneliness and building better relationships. It will help you understand and tackle the underlying attitudes that are making it hard for to connect with others, perhaps enabling you to comprehend "this weird arrogant, entitled, envious, fearful, slothful, immature, shallow, foolish part of myself".
http://www.succeedsocially.com/ is also a great place to look
I'd also encourage finding ways to regularly interact with others - meetup.com is a good place to start as there are lots of free options that cater to a variety of interests and welcome anyone who wants to join.
Sounds to me like you're sorta basing your happiness on external factors. Learn to just enjoy yourself. Every time you meet a girl don't think about your ex, and don't think about the potential LTR/f-close yet (I'm assuming you're game isnt very good because of that 7 year relationship). Everyone is special (in some way at least) and try to find that in her, might help. Or just man up and start sarging till you get over this ;)
Read Intimate Connections by David Burns (here) it'll help a lot. If you can't afford it or its not at a local library, you can find the pdf easily enough.
I strongly recommend you check out this book. It really helped me overcome my loneliness, when I was in a similar situation. I honestly don't look at myself or my life the same way. For 10 bucks, it's worth a shot.
It sounds like you're letting your predictions of the future desperately hurt your present. I would recommend this book:
I've been suffering with anxiety on and off the past few years, and this book helped me out immensely. Another great book to read and directly help out your situation would be this one:
I have the PDF for the second book, let me know if you would like it, and I can PM it to you.
Honestly, the only way to ever get over Social Anxiety is to get out there and put yourself out there. That's the only way to get over it.
Also, the only reason for your social anxiety is your self-esteem and core. You need to work on that, if you really want to break the Social Anxiety, too.
When you have better self-esteem and better core (not muscle wise), then you won't be worrying so much, will be more congruent with yourself, you won't give a fuck about what's think about you.
I have Social Anxiety and depression. It was hard for me to be sociable. I'm working on it from a self-help book. Which I do enjoy. It's going to take time, but I'm going to put the work in.
I'm a lot better than I was years ago, but I do need work on my social skills. Though it will come with time.
Just have fun bro with people. Stop pressuring yourself, have fun, let go, and be yourself. Easier said than done. If you died the next day, would you be happy with how you lived. Just ask yourself that everyday.
I would suggest to pick up a book on Social Anxiety, Self-Esteem, and even this book: http://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/0451148452
I have it and really enjoy it. Also if you have depression, get his Feeling Good book, too.
I think, it's worth having. It's cheap, and what do you have to lose?
Could also go see a therapist, too. Might help.
You are expecting things to work. Who said they work easy? Volume dealing. The problem is you are not comfortable being alone. I suggest Intimate Connections by Dr. David Burns. Read it and follow the instructions and do the exercises. You will be glad you did.
>My point, rather, was that most people looking for partners in bars and clubs are looking for cheap hookups.
Is that your experience? My experience is that there are ALL different types of people in bars: Shy people, outgoing people, conservative people, etc. It's just everyone recognizing that they need some social outlet, and going out to be around other people.
A lot of people with low self-esteem or avoidant social habits justify their choices by looking down their nose at social activities. I did this too. I'm 33 yrs old and haven't been much of a bar person in the past, but I'm getting to enjoy it more and more.
Obviously, you don't need to become a bar-fly - there are plenty of other social outlets to pursue.
You might want to look at the book called Intimate Connections, recommended to me by another Redditor. Looks like a cheesey self-help book, but it's truly a very helpful guide for people facing these issues. Reading it will surely change your mindset on some of these issues.