Reddit reviews Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
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A Focus on the Family BookSigned first edition by Dr. Emerson EggerichsA Marriage Book with a Difference!
Here are a few books I would highly recommend for men (and women as well):
After that, if you have more specific issues in your story, like childhood trauma, there are more specific routes to go down. I also strongly encourage enlisting the aid of a counselor, therapist, and/or pastoral counselor if you or your partner are struggling with childhood baggage.
Check out this link: https://www.loveandrespect.com/blog/his-need-for-sexual-intimacy-not-wrong-just-different
This writer wrote a book called Love & Respect, and talks about how a husband's needs for sex are different, but still a need. Here's a snippet:
"Of course, most wives recognize this need but honestly she wants him to want sex when she wants sex and not want sex when she doesn’t want sex. She subconsciously wishes for him to be like a woman. But upon reflection, we need to see just how vulnerable he is, not just to sexual deprivation but to dishonor.
Truth be told, this is more about respect than sex. A wife can shame her husband for wanting sex more than she does. She sends the message that not only is there something wrong with him, he is unloving toward her. Oh, yes, she has a desire for sexual intimacy when ovulating and when wanting a baby. Her hunger for sex then is all-pervasive. Of course, he doesn’t reject her but if he did, what might she feel? Even so, why can’t he wait until she is in the mood for sex? If he were a loving man, he should know (and her son should know when he gets married, right?) that a woman prefers sex less than a man does, and he has a responsibility to serve her and align himself with her emotional and sexual interests, and be in rhythm with her, and never request sex more than she wants sex.
First, realize that his sexuality is much different than yours. And this is part of God’s wonderful, unique designs for man and woman. Proverbs 5:19 says, “As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love.”
Second, a wife should recognize that her husband needs sexual release just as she needs emotional release (intimacy). In 1 Corinthians 7:5, Paul wrote, “Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
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If you haven't purchased the book yet, might I suggest getting it and reading it with your wife together.
Here's a link to it
You HAVE cheated emotionally... it just hasn't progressed to physical yet.
You Know what you Should do... [take all this energy and pour it into making your marriage better: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481725398&sr=8-1&keywords=love+and+respect ].
And I suspect that you know what you are Going to do (and are somehow hoping for a blessing from us???). I suspect that you will somehow try to maintain contact with this woman and building a deep friendship that makes you believe you are soulmates, but not have sex so you can feel so superior for restraining. Sexual tensions will rise, and you will start treating your family like crap until one day 1-6 months down the road, you give in. And you will look back and realize that you have thrown everything away and caused your wife the worst pain ever. I still have a real, physical heart condition from when my husband broke my heart... and that was before I knew he slept with her.
You have the opportunity to make the right decision now and cut off all contact with this woman. But will you do it?
the best suggestion I can offer is to realize that men communicate differently than women and need different things in relationship. lots of women assume that their preferred mode of communication is better, so they get angry or assume something's wrong when a guy doesn't communicate similarly. you don't seem to have this problem, writing "which doesn't go down too well, because he justifiably feels pretty victimised." while you recognize it's a two-way street, lots of women don't -- and guys can get conditioned to regard communicating with women as a threat. I suspect this happened with your BF. Journalist Jack Kammer wrote that women often complain men are calloused, while forgetting that callouses develop to protect sensitive areas from repeated irritation.
you might want to read a book called "Love and Respect," by Emerson Eggerichs. I stumbled across a radio interview with him a few weeks ago, and was very impressed. He writes from a Christian perspective, but in the segment I heard he wasn't a Bible-thumping type (I'm not religious, and wasn't put off by the Christian content). His basic idea idea is that men need to feel respected as much as they feel loved (if not more). But women don't understand this need for respect, so men withdraw, women get angry, men feel even less respect, and a nasty cycle starts. It all resonated with me, because I've dumped several girlfriends who were repeatedly disrespectful towards me in ways that he described.
short overview here: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication_and_conflict/the_love_and_respect_principle/basics_of_love_and_respect.aspx
More info:
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top
Edit
I haven't read the book yet, because about 15 people were ahead of me in the hold queue at my library.
Is she trying to drag you down, or does she think it's just playful teasing? If she thinks it's just playful teasing, then maybe you could try bringing it up (calmly, using "I statements", and all that) sometime when you're on a dinner/coffee date.
If she's acting with malice, rather than ignorance, there's probably a reason. I would recommend reading "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. You may want to follow that with "The Five Love Languages" to find more specific ways of showing love (to her) and respect (to you). These are hands-down the best relationship/marriage books I have read, religious or secular.
(disclaimer: both books are written by Christian authors and contain references to the Bible. Both books are very accessible to and useful for non-Christians.)
Good luck.
Awesome story, /u/Brensgirl11. It's super crazy because this almost perfectly matches my own story of how my wife and I became married, except in this case I was the lost one, and my wife was the godly woman that was sent to intervene in my life.
I grew up in a Christian home where faith, sadly, was not taken/taught seriously enough. I had proposed to a high school girlfriend of about 4 years, and about 4 months into our engagement, she broke it off. Less than 6 months later, I met my future wife at the most unlikely of places: a temp job. I'd known her brother for a couple years, but I never knew he had siblings. It was a pretty wild ride for me because I was not strong in my faith, and they weren't willing to let her be in a relationship like that with some "Christian" guy who didn't really share their beliefs, but it's how I really came to know Christ. Less than a year and a half after we met, we were engaged though. 3 months after that we were married.
We're about a month away from our 3-year anniversary, and it's been an amazing marriage so far! It's definitely not without its struggles, but the way God has been working in our lives is truly wonderful.
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If you're interested though, a few resources that really helped us during our courtship/preparation for marriage were 3 books, the first of which I believe is still free:
I simply recommend walking through this book together and answering openly and honestly. It's full of great/deep questions that will help you come to know and understand each other better, as well as understand what your expectations are for each other both now and in the future. It can be awkward at first, but it's so worth it as an avenue for opening up communication in the future.
These two books, respectively, opened our eyes to what kinds of love needs both of us had, and gave examples of how to give them. The latter also showed us men need and are really good at giving respect, whereas women need and are really good at giving love, and why it's important to understand the difference.
Have you guys tried marriage counseling? When my husband and I have communication problems we go see a counselor even though there isn't necessarily a huge problem because a third party perspective really helps. AND we stop the problem from getting bigger.
There are times when my eyes have been opened to what my husband needs from me, a vice versa.
My husband and I don't have a bunch in common, either, but we really love each other for who the other person is, differences and all. I personally would be bored to death if I was married to a male version of myself.
If you are going to keep trying than maybe instead of just doing the day to day "being present" do something more. Trying to work things out doesn't just mean staying in the relationship...
It might mean going to the library and checking out some marriage books, it might mean talking to a counselor, it might mean hanging out with married couples whose marriage you admire and asking them what they do to keep their relationship fresh.
I really like the analogy of marriage being like a plant; if you don't water it, it dies. What are some ways you can water your marriage?
I personally have found these books to be helpful:
http://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Sex-Spiritual-Celebration-Marriage/dp/1578564611
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1591451876/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1463151033&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=love+and+respect&dpPl=1&dpID=41DFeUoMm1L&ref=plSrch
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X
Good luck!
Edit: you mentioned her not having many friends, and her forcing you to not have them. Maybe that needs to be revisited. People shouldn't be isolated. We all need friends, so maybe set up one day a week for you to go out, and one day a week for her to go out.
She may not take you up on that offer to go out with friends, but I will say scheduling in the hobbies and friend time every month keeps my husband and I so much happier than the times we forget and don't do it.
I strongly strongly recommend Becoming a Family That Heals! Very transformative for me in my marriage. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1589975758?pc_redir=1407289773&robot_redir=1
Love and Respect is another great one
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1591451876?cache=7381f9cf815762840a2c9aa39069a4d3&pi=SY200_QL40&qid=1408049786&sr=8-1#ref=mp_s_a_1_1
I can share more information/testimony if you want to message me, we have overcome a lot of issues in our almost 10 year relationship and we lead a small group for married couples. I'm happy to help however I can! Good luck and God bless you guys!
Think about it this way: your pregnancy is a miracle. If you ask any woman ever who chose to keep a pregnancy over terminate it, they will say to you that keeping their baby was the best decision in the world. Coming from someone who works in the family business and just found out I'm pregnant, I understand your concern over it. There's lots of questions about how everyone will handle marketing without my help when my baby gets here, but... a baby is so much more to your family in the long run. This life will bring you so much joy and happiness. Having the love of a child in your life could help you through your depression and bring perspective to your mind. Your family will be there to help.
As for you and your husband, this is a great book: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1463634908&sr=1-1&keywords=love+and+respect
It's really great for communication issues!
So I sympathize with your situation, but I worry you might be looking for comfort from men who aren't your husband because you crave the intimacy you're not getting at home. Take a step back and check yourself.
Yeah, he sounds like a lazy bum, but he's the man you're married to, for better or for worse. It's possible he's not showing love because he doesn't feel like you respect him which might be the case since you're on the internet complaining about him. Work on all aspects of your relationship and see if it doesn't spill over into "touch".
Check out Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876
And a tool for actually having the hard conversations and moving toward results. Round the Bases by Matt and Pam Loehr
http://www.daretobedifferent.com/pages.asp?pageid=Round-the-Bases
If you are both going to be reading books on your own you have to make an agreement even sign an actual written contract to each other and post it in your kitchen on the firdge or something that says you are both willing to make the effort to WANT to fix things. There is a great book that my wife and I both loved called "Love and Respect" Dr. Eggerich is a GREAT speaker and it's an amazing book that might change the way you think about your relationship. If you want to have a little intro into the book you can find some of his conference sessions on youtube here. Sit down and watch this together and then decide whether you want to read the book together or seperately and talk about it often.
Hmmm...
I'd say that in part your conflicts arise from your varying personalities and a misunderstanding of the opposite gender. Have you two ever done a personality test? I am not sure about him but you sound like someone who would benefit from understanding that concept. I recommend this particular test. If you do it, let me know your results (I suspect you might be an ENFJ or ESFJ). I can help you out better then.
My wife and I also read a book together that helped us with those kinds of communication issues. They are really just the result of our differences as a man and a woman. This is the book.
https://www.amazon.ca/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1538877096&sr=1-1&keywords=love+and+respect+book
Yes both people need to be treated with respect all the time. If you do something dumb would you tolerate someone cursing at you and calling you an idiot? No because it's disrespectful. Both of you need respect, but for men it's their prime motivator.