Reddit Reddit reviews Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

We found 63 Reddit comments about Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

Interpersonal Relations
Healthy Relationships
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
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63 Reddit comments about Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life:

u/J42S · 79 pointsr/IWantToLearn

Check out harry potter and the methods of rationality.

u/Tolingar · 25 pointsr/polyamory

More Than Two by Franklin Veaux. If The Ethical Slut is the non-monogamy bible, then More than Two is the Polyamory handbook. It is a must read.

Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Opening Up is a good supplementary book. Overall not as good as More than Two, but it has some unique takes on poly that is worth reading.

Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory by Minx M. Honestly I have not gotten around to reading this yet, but it is by Cunning Minx of the Polyamory Weekly podcast, so the author knows what she is talking about.

Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan. This books it last on my list because it tries to pawn itself off as science when in truth it is more of philosophy. It makes good arguments, and backs them up with some data, but the evidence is nowhere as strong as Dr. Ryan wants to claim.


If you are going to do non-monogamy it is always a good idea to improve your communication skills. Here are some recommended books on improving communication skills.

The Usual Error. This is a more basic communication book. It is a really good read that will point out some basic mistakes you probably make in communicating.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. This is almost a whole new way of communicating. It is advanced level communications skills. Even incorporating some of the ideas in this book will help you tremendously in hard conversations.

u/Bonchee · 20 pointsr/explainlikeimfive

Here I would try to get one of the earlier versions if you can.

I also can highly recommend nonviolent communication Which reinforces similar concepts.

And finally the late Peter Gerlach who recorded a series of helpful videos on youtube before he passed. Like me, he was a survivor of trauma, and helped many of his clients overcome the near impossible struggle towards autonomy.

But really the biggest thing to keep in mind is this- you are here asking about it and want to learn. A bad parent won't do that, so you're already ahead of the game. Things won't be perfect, but by being able to see your child for who he/she is, is an amazing and rewarding gift, for both you and the child. It is quite educational.

Parents like mine, did not care about my feelings/wants/needs. They projected their lives, their insecurity, their anger onto me. They made it very clear, using all sorts of signals, that I was there to serve their needs, and that my needs did not matter. So if you can avoid that, you'll be ahead. I also suspect you wouldn't be here if you were going to be like that.

The biggest problem that arises in today's society is that adults think children should be treated like children (infantilization) and that creates a host of problems. I think most of it is detailed in Dr. Haim's book to a good degree. He also wrote some other books for later in life, like between parent and teenager. Although I think between parent and child is his best work.

u/Pandaemonium · 19 pointsr/relationship_advice

First, you should drop the attitude of "we need to handle this ASAP." The fact is, bringing up sensitive issues causes people to get emotionally aroused, and high emotional arousal causes unclear, ineffective communication. If she needs some time to "cool down" and get her emotions in check, then give it to her, or the conversations will just go badly anyway.

This isn't to say put these conversations off indefinitely - just give her enough time to think through the situation and calm down emotionally. Two hours or so should do the trick.

The next question is, what sort of tone/language do you use when bringing up these issues? Some people use accusatory or judgmental language, which pretty much dooms the conversation from the start. If you want to be able to engage her effectively without causing her to shut down, try reading up on the principles of Nonviolent Communication. This will show you a non-judgmental, self-aware way of expressing what you need, and will ensure your girlfriend doesn't feel accused or attacked in these sorts of situations.

u/snapxynith · 12 pointsr/SocialEngineering

As you realize becoming great at social skills is just like training any other skill. Realizing you can train it will allow you to build the skill stronger than others who stumble into it. So many will say you can't get better or amazing by reading in a chair. They're right. Read a little, apply a lot, take notes, then review what you did right and what you did wrong, repeat. Get a mentor or training buddy if you can, it accelerates learning, because we can't see ourselves the same as those outside us can. Make a regimen to go out, greet and meet people every day. Or at least three times a week minimum, make it a habit.

I can tell you that I've been in customer service and sales jobs, they taught me nothing because my skills were garbage and sub-par. So I didn't have a paddle for my raft in the world of social interaction. All I got was "people get irritated if I cold approach or try to sell them. Or worse I have to dump mountains of information to make them feel safe." So after studying for the better part of a decade, here's some points that got me to the basics and more advanced subjects. With the basics under your belt, then a job or daily practice will get you understanding and results.

First, learn how to steady yourself mentally, breathing exercise here. Breathing is important as we seem to be learning your heart rate and beat pattern determine more about our emotions than we'd like to admit.

Second, Accept and love yourself, (both those terms may be undefined or wishy-washy to you at the moment, defining them is part of the journey.) Because you can only accept and love others the way you apply it to yourself first.

Third, pick up and read the charisma myth. It has habits/meditations that will be a practice you use every day. I'd say a basic understanding will happen after applying them over three months. Never stop practicing these basics, they are your fundamentals. They determine your body language. The difference between a romantic gaze and a creepy stare is context of the meeting and body language, especially in the eyes.

Sales or cold approach networking will do the same for practice. If you do sales or meeting new people, it is a negotiation. You're trying to trade "value" (safety + an emotion). So if you figure out how to make yourself feel emotion, then inspire emotion in others, mutual agreements happen. Start with Why is a good reference. Here is a summary video. Chris Voss will help you find out that you don't tap into people rationally, you tap people emotionally, big think summary video. Or the full book treatment, Never Split the Difference. The supporting book for Chris Voss' position can be helped by reading Start With No

For training habits and understanding how we execute behaviors, Thinking, Fast and Slow

For dealing with hard arguments and heavy topics both Nonviolent Communication and Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Learning what listening is, instead of "hearing" people. Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone is a good book for that. This is touched on in Never Split the Difference and in the Charisma Myth because true listening, making the person you are speaking with feel "listened to and understood" is most of what makes a charismatic person work.

u/[deleted] · 9 pointsr/AskReddit

I think the sooner you and yours are spun up on nonviolent communication, the more fights over pointless bullshit can be avoided.

The basis is this:

  1. observations, 2. feelings, 3. needs, 4. request
    As in, I saw you left a heap of dirty dishes, this makes me feel frustrated because I need to use the sink and there's no room, could you please clean them. As opposed to, jesus you're such a slob you never do the dishes.

    Violent communication would be judgemental language, like you're a slob, generalizations, like you never do the dishes, and words like 'should'.

    NVC does not mean avoiding conflict. It's about resolving conflict as it comes up, in a rational and effective way. It's a common fallacy to think that your partner knows when something really upsets you. It'd be nice if he did, but assuming he does is dangerous as he'll likely do it again.
u/Mawontalk · 9 pointsr/bestof

Actively listening to another can be challenging, at least for me. For anyone interested in how to develop this skill, this book is a good place to start..

u/JaskoGomad · 8 pointsr/rpg

The people saying we can't help you with all of this are correct - some of this is about mediation, communication, and culture.

But some of it is about gaming, and we can help with that part.

First of all, from my experience it's important to choose a system and / or implied setting that won't inflame the parents. Kids won't have trouble with systems. I started w/ B/X D&D in the red box at 10 years old and it was fine - I started my own son at 7 with D&D 3.5 (not my favorite game even at the time, but the reasons for choosing it were sound...) and he did fine. What you have to worry about is probably parents. In the US, it was easy to run afoul of religious zealots who freak out about any hint of magic. It still is.

I'm not sure what the social conditions are where you are, you're the best judge of that, but I would direct you to Beyond the Wall It's inexpensive and has several free expansions but here are the reasons I recommend it:

  • It's designed to take new groups through a collaborative, guided session that generates a setting, characters, and initial situation that is unique and woven together from everyone's input. So they'll feel like they own the game and be more invested from the start.

  • It focuses on young heroes, barely more than kids, protecting their home on their first adventure. Probably something that this group can get behind.

    It's mostly a OSR D&D-like game.

    I recommend that game a lot.

    In your situation, you might also like to look at Psi*Run. It was developed by Meguey Baker (D. Vincent Baker's wife and game design collaborator) for use in a teen RPG program at a library. It's meant to get kids right into the action immediately - they're super-powered teens (like X-Men) fleeing a force that wants to capture them.

    Good luck with the rest of it. Oh - I'm not a counsellor or social worker, but you might want to read the book, Nonviolent Communication. It's got a lot of advice for how to deal with charged situations and long-standing bad feelings.
u/hammer-head · 8 pointsr/Welding

Before you go ahead with anyone's advice here, I strongly recommend you read Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg (or at least skim through it). His approach, as a whole, may not be entirely appropriate for this situation, but some of the basic ideas he lays out are universal to productive communication.

For instance, he talks about separating the objective events at the root of a conflict from our subjective judgments of it. A lot of people in this thread seem to agree your coworker is a tattle-tale, but using that kind of language to call him out is not likely to win his sympathy or encourage him to reevaluate his own behavior. On the contrary, this is the kind of communication that immediately puts people on the defensive (if you've ever been on the receiving end of this with a hypercritical domestic partner, you may have done the same yourself).

Instead, he recommends making an objective observation (e.g., you've shared your criticisms of my work publicly with our boss and coworkers three times so far this week) before stating your feelings, needs, and a request. Again, maybe a little too hippie dippy for the hypermasculine environment of a shop, but there are some solid gold tidbits throughout.

It's a lot, but you seem to have the self-awareness to make good use of it.

u/is_it_fun · 8 pointsr/LifeProTips

Standing up for yourself can also be done in a nonthreatening way to the person who is doing things that don't help. A formal structure for this is called nonviolent communication.

u/PropitiousPanda · 7 pointsr/polyamory

It's really shitty to be in a relationship with someone and not wish them happy birthday (assuming you knew it was their birthday and clearly he did). What was his excuse for canceling? Unless he had a really good excuse, that was definitely pretty shitty. It sounds like you told him it was important to spend your birthday with him and he decided not to. I can see why you feel upset. I would feel upset too if I had asked to spend my birthday with someone and they didn't even wish me happy birthday. I would try to tell him that you are felling hurt (try to use non-violent communication if you can: I'd ask him to validate your feelings and work on keeping dates when they are important to you. If he doesn't validate your feelings and promise to try to do better; I'd move on to someone who can and will want to be more considerate of your feelings.

u/a_good_username_ · 6 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

What's been helping me is the [Non-violent Communication Book] ( Now I have a little notebook where I try to name all my feelings at certain moments or when triggered. It's been getting a bit easier, and less cloudy.

u/LuminousDragon · 6 pointsr/gamedev

DEFINITELY agree. That line set off warning bells in my head. There are people who have the opinion the what the EGS is doing is super messed up. To me it isnt, so if someone said i would probably do the same, i wouldnt care, but if you say the same thing to someone who feels its a moral issue they really care about, you might lose a fan for life.

An analogous example is companies overworking employees for like 80 hours a week for months on end. Very recently a company basically said hey thats how we do business, its good work ethic. If they had also said you'd do the same, i would have raged on that. Because they have unethical business practices, screw them, I wouldnt do the same.

Now that Im writing this, it makes me think of the well known and amazing book "Non Violent Communication"

The author talks about how its good to avoid the word you in times like this because people feel attacked. And in this case kinda rightly so. This company has no idea if I would do the same or not, the most they can say is that some high percentage of the population would do the same, and morality isnt a popularity contest so its irrelevant.

u/TheLagbringer · 5 pointsr/Stoicism

How do you measure the success ? Wealth ? Fame ? Both are not worth pursuing and you already know that, since they don't bring happiness to life. Two things come to my mind:

  1. Instead of comparing yourself to your "more successful" peers, try to compare yourself to those "less successful". Practice negative thinking, image how would your life be without the things you have, the things you take for granted. Take this even further and sometimes practice living without those things (practice minimalism), if possible. This way, you will start to value more and want things you already have, instead of things you could have. This is what I try often and what works for me. I've got this from my favorite Stoic book: A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy . Read the corresponding chapter to understand more :) the author is so good at explaining these ideas. I definitely recommend to read it whole, it is an amazing book.
  2. Practice more compassion and empathy. Approach any human interaction with compassion in mind. Try to understand and listen to others, what makes them happy, what are their worries. No matter in what position the others are, try to connect with them on a very deep level. You will soon realize, we are all the same and we face the same problems in life. No matter what our wealth or fame is. Those two things do not relate to happiness at all. I believe that as a byproduct of this empathy practice you will naturally stop comparing. When it comes to compassion, I recommend: The Art of Happiness, 10th Anniversary Edition: A Handbook for Living . I have only started reading the book, but I like it very much so far ! It focuses more on importance of compassion and understanding others (instead of focusing on yourself as in Stoicism). I feel that I started being more compassionate and empathetic naturally with age, but I definitely agree, that it makes me incredibly happy. And not only during the communication, but overall in life ! However, before, I had no idea what empathy means, or better said - I had completely wrong idea. This book helped me to understand what exactly it is, and how it is done correctly: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life . Basically it means just to listen and from time to time to ask about feelings. Not giving advice, or making things sound easier, or giving your similar experience. We do this so often, it sounds like empathy, but instead it disconnects us from others. Very much recommended read !

    Hope this helps man, good luck ! You are already doing a massive good job by being super honest with yourself and sharing this problem and all its details. This is not an easy thing to do and requires a lot of ego-gymnastics.
u/XOmniverse · 5 pointsr/intj

To boost strengths? Basically anything by Ayn Rand or Friedrich Nietzsche

To shore up weaknesses? Nonviolent Communication

Also, if you want all of the good stuff from the self-help category of books with none of the bullshit, read this one: The Happiness Hypothesis

u/sexyfuntimes · 5 pointsr/relationships

Okay, so the dancing and grinding thing? Cheating isn't something you can look up in the dictionary. "Cheating" is defined differently in every relationship. Some people consider flirting with other people cheating, and some people don't consider having sex with other people cheating. If you haven't discussed your individual boundaries with your girlfriend you should.

Anyway, it sounds like you're seriously questioning whether you want to continue a long-term relationship with this person. Have you talked much to her about the issues you're having? Specifically telling her what you want and need and feel is really important in an adult relationship (which is what yours is starting to turn into). You two need to learn to communicate better - her getting "fake mad" (whatever that means) and refusing to talk to you is unacceptable. Try reading some books like Nonviolent Communication.

Let her know you that these issues you're having are starting to lead you to consider whether your relationship is worth it. She deserves to know what you're thinking.

u/dynamictangle · 5 pointsr/communication

Here is something I typed up previously. The book I am writing will talk about most of this stuff. I'll be posting some articles I'm writing about communication here soon. For now, my old post. I endorse these books:


So this is a bit of an area of expertise for me. I'm actually a writing a book about communication and it is kind of a skills book, but not as you might traditionally think of one. I can tell you more if you like, but don't want to bore you.

Here's the thing with skills books when it comes to communication...most are ok, some are even good, but most are essentially the same...they put together some combination of "do these things" and "do not do these other things" and market you a book that ultimately isn't going to help you a whole least not to communicate better in the aggregate. (How to Win Friends and Influence People is an example of this.) I call these any "Do these 10 things to communicate better" books. There is no magic list of skills that if you just learn these things, you'll communicate better. Communication doesn't work like that.

That said, there are a few decent enough communication "skills" books out there that are worth your time. It really depends on the type of communication skills you're looking for...for example, there are books out there entirely dedicated to how to give a good presentation (say, at work). There are books on conflict resolution. There are books on persuasion. All of these, which I don't think is what you're looking for only give you part of a very big puzzle. As far as more general communication books there are a couple you might consider:

(A note that most of these are not likely to be at your local library, but if you as your local friendly librarian how to they could get you one of these books, they can probably easily help you. Ask! Librarians are awesome! Also, most of these should be available on Amazon for not much money.)

  1. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
    Author: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
    A book with an overall good perspective. A little sappy and cloying at times, but in general the intentions are in the right place with this one. Could come off as a little bit squishily academic, but an ok read and a good perspective.
  2. If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face?
    Author: Alan Alda
  3. (From M*A*S*H, The West Wing, and much more)
    I'm actually reading this book right now and it is a funny take on Alda's life and work and he relates his stories through (and about communication). Alda is actually pretty smart about communication and comes at it differently than most anyone else on this list. Funny and witty, what you might expect from such a great actor and comedian. Definitely worth reading.
  4. Simply Said: Communicating Better At Work and Beyond
    Author: Jay Sullivan
    More about work than other contexts but good advice overall. I only skimmed parts of this one so can't speak to every aspect, but appeared to be decent enough quality when I reviewed it.
  5. The Art of Communicating
    Author: Thich Nhat Hanh
    Different from the others on the list, this one is written by a Buddhist monk who takes a more spiritual view of communication. It is a good philosophical approach. I found parts of this book enlightening. It is not scientific-ish enough for me and it makes no claims to be. It is a philosophy book on communication, but an easy, accessible read and worth your time.
  6. Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High
    Author: Kerry Patterson
    A good enough book if you're looking to navigate conflicts/difficult conversational things at work or in relationships. Deals more with the challenging aspects of communication, but for what it is, good enough advice.
  7. How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships
    Author: Liel Lowndes
    Similar to the book above, but more about making conversation with people. As far as these types of books go, this one is ok enough and actually has some good advice on things to try when attempting to communicate with others.

    Books like Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, which comes up when you look for communication books should be avoided entirely. That book, and other books like it, are trash. You might as well get your advice from Cosmo.

    Sorry for the length here, but like I said, this is an area of expertise. I hope you found this helpful. I can answer questions about any of these books if you like.
u/quadrater · 4 pointsr/IWantToLearn

I feel I have to give voice to another point of view here. Logical reasoning and argumentation works in certain limited settings but tend not to work in life in general and especially not in relationships. You may win the battle but lose the war with pure logic. Stating your emotions in good ways can be more powerful than any logic argument in my opinion. No one can dispute the way you feel which is unlike the rational arguments you make. I'll happily recommend reading the book Non-violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg on this subject.

u/malakhgabriel · 4 pointsr/polyamory

While not geared toward romantic relationships, perhaps Nonviolent Communication would be a good choice.

u/eek04 · 4 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

That you're putting of talking to her makes me recommend this book: "Radical Honesty" by Brad Blanton.

If she's blowing up, you might also like "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. Contrary to what I usually do, I found this one hard to read but easy to listen to; YMMV.

u/ofblankverse · 3 pointsr/karezza

Have you heard of the book "Non Violent Communication" by Marshall Rosenburg? If you want to resolve things yourself, this is a great tool. This is the kind of thing a therapist would walk you through step by step, to solve communication issues, but it's possible to do it on your own. It's not possible to "bypass" the talking with karezza, but one can definitely encourage the other! You are doing great just by refraining from PMO and doing the cuddling thing. You're showing her your own dedication and interest in healing your relationship, which in turn will support her efforts to heal herself.

u/anon22559 · 3 pointsr/SanctionedSuicide

They aren't textbooks, but they do have information to learn in them.
Here are a couple of things on my reading list:

Why People Die By Suicide by Thomas Joiner

How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo

Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg

u/bhspencer · 3 pointsr/financialindependence

I was actually suggesting couples therapy.

It might be a bit of a stretch but you and your wife might benefit from reading "Nonviolent Communication"

Its not perfect but there are some fantastic lessons in there. Rather than suggesting she read it to fix her problems I suggest reading it together. Maybe you could pitch it as "Hey I see that we have had some painful interactions lately. Would you be willing to work on this with me in the hope of making things better for both of us?" Your wife is suffering, all angry people are. Reading this might help her better express how she feels.

u/dswpro · 3 pointsr/PostAudio

Yes, you can push them to a drop box or other cloud storage.
But I have to ask, what do you hope to achieve by such a thing? Do you intend to embarrass her in front of her friends or family? What will YOU get from "proof" that she is abusive? (BTW since you are married you own everything together, and technically she cannot "steal" from you. )

I was married to a narcissist for many years. I went through therapy after catching her planning a vacation with another guy. Of course she blamed me. After a few weeks I realized I was a nice guy and she was a controlling bitch. I came home and told her I wasn't doing yard work anymore (I always hated it) and she should go hire someone. She hired an attorney and filed for divorce because she could no longer control me. Good riddance.

I don't know your situation, but here are some great resources my therapist gave me:

Non-Violent Communication by Marshal Rosenberg, a great book describing exactly how to deal with abusive language and how not to be abusive when you communicate to others. (there are also you tube videos on the subject). Changed my relationships with everyone

How To Recognize a Narcissist, A wonderful write up on narcissists (in case she is one)

Constructive Living by David Reynolds A great combination of Eastern therapies that help you live positively and with purpose without letting things overwhelm you.

Really, work on yourself a little before proving to everyone else that she is a pain. Everybody probably realizes that anyway. If you play it back to her she will only get angry and if you play your recordings to her friends or family you will will look like a jerk.

Hang in there.

u/MyMonochromeLife · 3 pointsr/stepparents

I'm not able to answer most of your questions, but I would suggest a few things:

  1. Get the book Non-Violent Communication. It is a really excellent resource for dealing with sticky situations without adding to the negativity (ie. a sourcebook for talking to assholes you have/want to talk to). I've used this for dealing with students who made me want to punch them in the face, and for repairing a beyond-broken relationship with my sibling.

  2. Whenever talking to SD, make sure she feels very comfortable talking about BD to you. Talk to her the way you HOPE BD talks about you. Ask her questions you HOPE BD would ask her. Remember that he is her family. Remind yourself how fucking awkward it is for adults who remain friends with both parties after they divorce and have to navigate the is it okay if I mention that person's name around Friend? weirdness. Kids get it even moreso. By talking about him kindly or asking questions or whatever, you give her the signal that it is okay for her to love him just as much (or more) as she loves you.
u/milkmaid666 · 3 pointsr/LifeAfterNarcissism

I really recommend the above book if you are thinking about how to communicate directly and clearly, it really helped me.

u/ggggbabybabybaby · 3 pointsr/relationships

Does he admit this is a problem? Are you both willing to work through your issues?

I would suggest you both read a book about conflict resolution inside a relationship. Maybe something like Non-Violent Communication. It gets a lot easier when you have this framework to give you a common language, techniques and set of goals to work towards. But it only works if both of you are willing to work hard at it, step outside your comfort zones, and show some vulnerability.

u/fantasticdonuts · 3 pointsr/sports

Pete, setup informational interviews at organizations near you, professional and college. This is a form of networking that will help you learn who holds positions who will give you 10-30 minutes of their time to learn about duties and skills in different roles at different ballclubs.

You have to ask, ask, ask, but you will learn of many ways you know someone who works at these clubs. Use your networks to find connections that are 1,2,3 levels deep. You will find its likely that over time you'll only have to go 1 or 2 levels of connection. Ask the athletic departments at your university. A lot of clubs have spring training in AZ, so you're likely in a good spot to find connections. Here is an example of what you could ask:

> I'm so_and_soap, a senior here at NAU. I'm interested in working with MLB and am wondering if there are some staff here who can help me setup informational interviews at the Diamondbacks, MLB?

There are three goals (or however many you make up) for informational interviews.

  1. Get answers to the questions you have about skills and duties. Skills are valuable to learn; by knowing the required skills you will interview well and likely do the job well. Duties help you think about the jobs you would like.

  2. Get the word out that you want to get an entry level job when you graduate, titles might include coordinator, analyst, associate, etc. Be open, say yes to things.

  3. Build your network. It is nice to meet people and is the most likely way to get anything done in business. Don't feel an obligation to be close with informational interview people. Keep it light and focussed, having fun. You will run into the same people over time and relationships will build from it. In the meantime, they might be able to help you with making introductions to people who have the power to hire you. It is these people you who can hire you that you want to meet.

    You might find something at your ballclub within your search timeframe quickly. Most likely, though, you will need to include more companies in your search. Whatever the job, focus on developing those skills you think ae most important to land you at MLB or other targetted companies.

    Networking ideas:
    Linkedin, parents, university alumni, directories, friends, friends' parents, guest lecturers, professors, bosses

    Say Yes
    In your replies to comments you have said 3 times that you don't know something or don't have requisite skill for something. That is not productive nor useful to your efforts. Instead think of a question that might get that piece of information answered.


    Highly Effective Networking by Orville Pierson

    Use your head to get your foot in the door by Harvey Mackay

    Nonviolent Communication

    Spin Selling
u/oldaccount29 · 3 pointsr/atheism

The Socratic Method has been a big part of what I do, I try to never say "you are wrong because X", But I will say something like:

"You say God is loving, but how do you account for this verse?..."

and when they respond I bring up another question.

Also, there is really good book called Nonviolent Communication. Actually I read it recently for the first time, and I already use almost all of the techniques and stuff in it, but its a VERY good book, especially if someone hasn't read a lot of that subject already.

The reason I brought it up is to mention that when I think someone is clearly wrong, I don't make a blanket statement "You ARE wrong" I state it as an opinion I have:

"From my perspective, you just seem flat out wrong because of X Y and Z, can you explain to me how you are right?"

In the Nonvoiolent Comm. book they mention saying YOU to someone can make someone feel defensive, like instead of saying "Did YOU drink my last beer?" you can say "do you know who drank the beer I had in the fridge?" ... Unless you WANT to be confrontational, heh, which has its place.

u/unsui · 2 pointsr/

I'm going to let go of "it's unfalsifiable because it's true" and point out that you're disproving your own argument. Humanity solved certain contagious diseases. Individual cancers. Filth in some places. Nutrition, except for the obesity, overfishing, and hygene aspects of it. And to continue, some problems of war and poverty. Especially poverty; there is much more class mobility than there was in the Middle Ages, when wealth was either inherited or stolen. War is especially intractable because the technology for implementing it so far outstrips the technology for preventing it, but I figure that any two nations (heck, any two individuals) that enjoy peaceful relations have figured out how to solve their differences nonviolently. One or two decent psychologists have taken a shot at the problem and I think we ought to be able to transfer the findings like we do with any other issue. We often don't because anger is a seductive state, derision can be pleasurable to people who are good at it, and force is eminently persuasive in its way. But so are kindness, praise, and diplomacy, and it would be worthwhile to think of war as yet another partially solved problem rather than an innate human need, given equal evidence of either.

u/Savoir_Faire · 2 pointsr/videos

I'm not in your situation so I probably can't tell you what to do. I can just share what helped me. First of all, I was in a place where I wanted change really badly. Like really badly. I was upset with my life, my relationships and just my outlook and decided it had to change. I read a lot and I asked a lot of questions and worked at it. Eventually, I read three books which helped change the way I approached everyday things, and specifically relationships.

They were

But yeah, definitely not a quick fix.

A lot of people are really turned off by the "spiritual" aspects of the third book. I don't understand that, when I read it it just seemed like an practical way to go about living your life and not religious at all. All three of these books offer physical activities, like very basic "an idiot could do this" things that make you better at listening, especially the first two, which is what I was looking for. And the suggestions they gave definitely worked. If you only read one, I would read the second one for your situation. It's not as "Buddhist" as it seems.

What I eventually learned: Listening and being present is really hard first of all. Your mind wants to jump in all the time and pick apart, dissect and analyze... And then there is the other part of your mind that wants to react, like "Oh she said this, that's not right." Once you get there though, you're just calm and it's a great thing because you can always go back, and people just tend to relax around you more.

u/doublepopsicle · 2 pointsr/AskWomen

I used to be the same way, but a technique called nonviolent communication (or compassionate communication) literally changed my life. It's basically about getting to the heart of what's bothering you—the real issue behind the issue—and suggesting improvements in a way that doesn't come across like an accusation and facilitates a real dialogue.

Here are some resources you can look at to learn more:

NVC Overview

A book about NVC (I can't recommend this enough.)

Feelings and Needs lists (These will make more sense once you learn more about the technique, but they're basically lists that help you identify and articulate how you're feeling and what the real issue is.)

You are in no way, shape, or form the worst wife in the world. Try to have more compassion for yourself. I wish you the best of luck.

u/Maravedis · 2 pointsr/france

Hey. Communication. Mon couple n'a pas marché parce que nous étions des gens fondamentalement différents, mais en soit, il a marché autant qu'il le pouvait. Et ce, parce que quand il y avait une ambiance, on était capable de s'asseoir et de parler, ou juste de parler. En exposant ses besoins et ses craintes, et ainsi de suite.

Si t'as la foi, je te recommande Non-violent communication.

u/Mattandsuch · 2 pointsr/AntiTrumpAlliance

Well I have people in my family I love who are conservative, including my parents and brother. They've never given me shit, we have spirited debates and no one is taking shit personal. I wish it was like that everywhere, but it isn't.

I think if we started listening to one another, actually listening, you'd see a lot of this fade.

Conservatism isn't good, or evil. It's just a political philosophy. I would be a conservative if things were actually working right. That's the point, conservation. Which is really the largest problem WITH the conservative movement, things are too broken right now to conserve.

I am sure plenty of Trump supporters say, "Libtards are evil and I want nothing to do with them in my life." Matter of fact, I have seen that quite a bit.

Be careful you don't become the monster you're fighting.

I am sorry you've been wounded through this. If it makes you feel better, I feel similar to Christians. I feel totally disappointed and hurt by Christians. I grew up in a church and was surrounded by supportive, loving people who helped raise me.

Then '16 happened and some of those same decent, nice people turned and attacked me. I have known them since childhood, so yeah, it hurts a hell of a lot.

It hurts. I feel disappointed and even wounded, but I have control over my actions and sometimes, giving grace and doing the right thing is more about you, than them.

Be the change you want to see. And if you're having a hard time communicating and you want to help, but it ends up in arguments, then I'd suggest reading this. It's short and will change your life.

u/Sadiew1990 · 2 pointsr/exmormon

When people are upset they usually just want empathy and understanding. That's why it's advised that when a friend comes to you with an issue, you should first and foremost actively listen and not try to go into advice mode, as well-intentioned as it may be. The reason I'm mentioning this is because that's probably what she wants, or at the least what she needs (and its not just women, everyone wants and needs this).

You obviously have no ill intentions, and you're in a very frustrating situation and getting the shaft in a lot of ways. I'm a woman and I also have problems when people are bawling (I can empathize very well, but its usually more through conversation and such). When you walk out of the room though, a lot of people will interpret that as cold indifference, shunning, disgust, etc etc. Sometimes you need to, but you don't want to do it as general practice.

There is a great widely-used book/mindset/system/whatever called [non-violent communication] ( ([wiki link] ( on it). It's about how everyone has the same basic needs, but they usually don't know how to ask for them or even recognize them. If you are confused about what your wife wants (and your relationship and yourself) it's a great tool because it shows you how to recognize, talk about, and provide/ask for whatever you guys are needing. You can ask your professor about it too; they probably have heard of it. My mom is a counselor and I'm majoring in Psychology and we both found it extremely interesting and helpful.

u/liber_pater · 2 pointsr/polyamory

In addition to the books you recommended, I would add "Nonviolent Communication". It has been a huge help in improving the communication between me and my fiancée.

u/oooqqq · 2 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I suggest reading this book on nonviolent communication. Some of the ideas may be helpful in having a more empathic conversion with your husband and understanding each other's needs.

u/AceBacker · 1 pointr/sysadmin

In the spirit of transparency let my manager know what I plan to talk about with the person before meeting with them. Let my manager know I will tell them how it went.

Meet with the person and try to get on the same page with them. Figure out what the persons needs are. Then work with them so that they can learn what my needs are.

Once everyone understands what the other's needs are work towards a solution that meets both sides needs as best as possible.

I am making this sound like it's as easy as crossing the street. It's incredibly hard though.

This book does a better job explaining:

You can also find some youtube videos:

Though be warned the youtube video's are not what I would call succinct. Considering he uses muppets, funny voices, and songs.

u/SalvDali · 1 pointr/AskReddit

A very good book on exactly this: Nonviolent Communication A Language of Life

Definitely changed my view on how to peacefully communicate in my personal relationships, I strongly suggest anyone read if they are interested in Illah's technique.

u/PeteMichaud · 1 pointr/relationships

You should really consider reading Nonviolent Communication. NVC would have REALLY helped in this situation, and you would've had a better grasp on how to approach each other without hurting each other or becoming defensive:

u/m1rv · 1 pointr/polyamory

> than done, but I have a suggestion that may help overall, if you have the ability of truly follow through with it. First off, I know that the forces at work in you are going to be pretty compulsive that you may not be able to contain them, and that no matter what you do, you may find that you jealous energy may blot out all else…BUT…First off, you really should step up the sweet nothings. I have read posts on many poly message boards from women who have primary partners who have forgotten to bring the special things that they used to when the relationship was new. Leave her some little notes to find; in her sock drawer, in the pocket of her coat. Just simple, supportive, loving notes. Let her know that you can see that you have been a bit neglectful, and that you care. Second—and this one may be completely unattainable:

I love that he's touching on the vicious & self feeding cycle of fighting. There's a point in there where all the good things stop, because both sides are at war with each other trying to stake their claim and be heard - eventually there's a point where neither side will step back to let the other speak first.

I definitely try to remove the sides. I hear others talk about removing the the I & Me...making it "we" instead. In situations like these blame only holds people back. My one note, is you are not a punching bag, you are simply trying to listen to the other person first ... you need to let them know, "I am trying something different and going to listen & hear to your concerns first - but we can not be done until you have listened and heard mine too."

The book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg is very well thought out. Check his website first, if you like it get the book ... its money well spent.

u/masterdirk · 1 pointr/LifeProTips
u/UsernameUnknown · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

What really helped me in my last ldr was I had to do a non-violent communication class. I got really interested in it and asked my partner at the time if they would be willing to learn a little so that they could help me improve my communication.

We read Nonviolent Communication: A language of life together and talked about bits and did some of the exercises in the work books together.

It really helped both of us with our ability to clearly communicate both in the relationship and with other people.

u/wyantb · 1 pointr/AskMen

Hey! Am I hearing that you're not emotionally satisfied with your relationship, and maybe feeling stuck, with no good way forward? Consider looking through Rosenberg's NVC book. He discusses, a lot, how to frame requests in non-judgemental ways. If you're not familiar, you might find it helpful - your situation sounds similar to some of those Rosenberg discusses. If you don't find it helpful, no worries. Cheers!

u/Throwbahlay · 1 pointr/Psychonaut

I'm curious to why you would say that. I agree that many of my points certainly do overlap with Jordan Peterson and his philosophies, but the main motivation for this post was actually Marshall Rosenberg and his book Nonviolent Communication. After putting into practice and seeing how effective this type of communication is, I saw just how futile all of my attempts at changing other people have been and I realized that I am never going to change the world for the better if I attack others and complain about what they are doing wrong. I certainly could do that but it just doesn't seem to give any results.

u/Alpha_Bit_Poop · 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

>How should I and my fiance deal with this?

That's a really great question. Communication is soooo important but we really are never taught how to do it. I really love the book "nonviolent communication." It's a book that came out in the 1980's and really gives you a good way of thinking about how to have difficult conversations. Check it out, it can help you your whole life! There are also lots of youtube videos about it!

u/adelie42 · 1 pointr/AskMen

Biggest "ah ha" for me many years ago was that for as rare it may seem that you find a 10, a universal 10 is virtually non-existent.

This plays into confidence, attitude, and mind-set more than anything. Simply put:

If you see a 10 and assume she is a universal 10, your mind goes to an endless list of negative images about yourself and any idea of even having a pleasant conversation. By contrast, recognizing that this label of "10" is a construction of your mind alone (no matter how many people you might imagine would come to the same simplistic label), you have an opportunity, a curiosity, to discover if you might be her 10 too.

And seriously, JUST BE CURIOUS!! Along the lines of what Seth Adam Smith might say, you are looking for a welcome invitation to contribute to someone else's life. The warm invitation is what makes it really special.

When you are looking for the right thing, the journey is a lot more enjoyable.

Another similar "ah-ha" is to be picky, and by picky I don't mean dismissive of people you don't find attractive, but to have clarity in your mind about what you really want from a relationship; specifics (that may change) that you imagine would make your life really enjoyable. For more of a guide to this, I highly recommend the book Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg for getting in touch with feelings and needs.

These two things together opened me up to a world of wealth, as well as a means of not wasting my time in places that don't serve me or anyone else.

u/EnochTwig · 1 pointr/Fitness

Probably extending beyond anything that's my business, but this short book REALLY helped me start asking for things from my SO in ways that did not trigger defensiveness, resentments, etc.

u/gummybee · 1 pointr/amiwrong

Sounds rough. If you can't make the counselor thing happen, I at least suggest you read this book (or one like it) and offer it to him as well:

u/rpgedgar · 1 pointr/RedPillWomen

Nonviolent Communication.

This books helps you assess what you're feeling and pinpoint your needs.


u/defertoreptar · 1 pointr/smallbusiness

The CEO of Microsoft makes all his managers read this book.

u/modix · 1 pointr/Parenting

There's ebbs and flows of the worst times. When my kids were 1.5 and 3 it was by far the worst for me because, both were screaming constantly for one thing or the other. I found myself underslept and angry all the time. But as the oldest got more independent and less a three year old and the youngest worked herself out of that crappy want everything but can't communicate phase it got better. There really wasn't a way to fix the situation, it's just part of the worst cycle. It's okay just to endure things and just get through it with no thoughts to doing better at parenting. Don't put pressure on yourself for anything but survival of you and your kids. Worry about doing better than that as a parent once it eases up.

The thing you tell yourself is that it's changing. Rapidly. There won't be a "normal" for you for almost 3 years. Some of those phases are definitely better than others, and both your kids will take there turns being the worst. It's the winter months coming up and you're facing isolation and PPD. You need to grab someone to help now, because it's not going to get easier. And six months was where my babies always sleep regressed and cried through the night so it could theoretically get worse on the sleep end. As hard as it sounds, now is the time of action.

For me, being a professional, my friends moved on with their lives fast when I took a break. But if I found that if I focused on one or two friendships and do what I can to accommodate them while giving myself a break from the kids, it really helps. Even if it irritates your spouse somewhat (though poisoning that well will never make you happy either), you need to figure something out. Likely you need to both go out together first, but you need to develop friends as well.

Need to find a mix of setting appropriate expectations and finding common ground with your partner. They're likely not having the easiest time either, even if the grass seems greener. Adding stress of fighting with your partner only worsens it. If you're having a hard time expressing yourself to your partner without causing a fight, I find Non-violent Communication to be an excellent method of talking to your them without causing unnecessary problems. I can't claim to be perfect at it, but it's definitely reduced the number and severity of fights for me.

I've been working on getting back to work full time, and feeling like I'm doing a shitty job of both work and caring for my kids. I'm angry and sad pretty constantly, and my partner with a steady long term job just doesn't really understand except academically. There's no great answer to anything, mostly just surviving until it gets easier.

u/Fenzir · 1 pointr/infj

Delivery is everything. This book has been helping me. It's possible to express your feelings and needs without coming across as critical or overfunctioning.

u/MrsAvlier · 1 pointr/offmychest

Thank you so much for the reply. I truly appreciate being heard.

My husband grew up with an extremely abusive father, and he is actually a very reasonable man, and at most times he is more emotionally mature than I am... but sometimes this tantrumming side of him comes out and it is frightening. (To be clear, I don't feel frightened of him, just frightened for him.)

We did speak briefly about it last night. I think I will ask him to read Non Violent Communication with me.

Again, thanks very much for your compassionate reply. It really helped to be heard.

u/IzzyTheAmazing · 1 pointr/mentalhealth

Hi. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much, I know the struggle so well. I've been sabotaging my relationship for years because of very similar issues.

A clarifying question - are you old enough to see a psychologist/psychiatrist on your own? Or even just a doctor, for the time being for medication to help you?

The great news is this - you know there's a problem. Many people can't even see that enough to begin to get help, so you're a step ahead of the curve!

A reality check about your boyfriend - here's the deal. You love him, I'm assuming and he loves you. It's your responsibility to take care of yourself as it's his responsibility to take care of himself. What that means is if you tell him, and he doesn't feel up for the job and he leaves - that's not rejection. What it is, is him doing the best thing for both of you. I know it doesn't seem like it, but talking to him about it is going to do one of two things - 1. You'll have the support and patience from him and you two can work on getting better together. or 2. You'll know that you two are not a compatible match.

Either way, as it stands - your words seem to say that you feel unlovable the way you are (because you're afraid of him rejecting you), do you think you stand the chance at getting better if you always feel like you're hiding your real self from him? You're missing out on a very powerful opportunity - to learn that you're lovable with your perceived imperfections, whether that's from him or from someone else.


If you're not familiar with this website, it's very helpful:

Don't worry about whether you "have" a personality disorder or not, focus on the behaviors and thoughts and how to improve them.

Some resources that may help you:

NonViolent Communication - Helping you learn how to know your needs, communicate them and to hear others, as well as communicating compassionately with yourself.

Here's a video about it.

Mind over Mood is an awesome workbook to help change the way we think.

u/esm · 1 pointr/books

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Ignore the misleading/unhelpful title. This is a book about listening, understanding, really interacting with fellow humans. This is one of those "yeah... that's it" books, the kind of stuff you realize you always knew but didn't really appreciate or use.

I am a better person thanks to this book. My friendships and relationships are richer.

u/swiftheart · 1 pointr/worldnews

Ah I'm sorry to hear that.

Perhaps you caught this article which I suspect is relevant.

If it helps at all, I would tell you to remember that 70% of Indians live in villages, and those people don't know much about what's outside of the village (and everyone else is a couple of decades off that little village.)

Now on the flip side, it's a very modern and unbelievably tolerant country, just that some people are closer to the village than others, and they have curious ways of doing things because of it.

If I may make a book suggestion. Now this is a book I recommend everyone to read because it can help people in a lot of situations.

But I mention it particularly to you, because one of the things the book teaches is to identify when a person is unhappy about something, but they are complaining about something else, because they don't know/don't understand/can't explain what they actually are unhappy about.

I suspect that is happening a lot here.

u/gooseymoose · 1 pointr/intj

You're not being ridiculous. It sounds like he's... responding to you in a damaged way / caught in a negative automatic feedback loop / triggered by something in his past. It's not a healthy pattern for either of you.

Example of what may be going through his head, using your post below:

You: "hey, did you do XYZ chore?"
Him: "no"
You: "oh, okay. I'll do it after I get changed."

He may have been assuming you were going to get mad at him after he said "No", because (in his past) people have gotten mad at him when he didn't do something. When you said that you'd do it after you got changed, he may also have thought "Oh, now she's not only calling me lazy / forgetful / whatever people called him in the past, she's also saying I'm incompetent / incapable / stupid / unable to do this task" (working off his "old" mental script), and exploded.

By the time he stopped reacting emotionally and could think rationally again (cools down enough to apologize), he's probably feeling guilty (apologetic), and apologizes. But when you're not immediately okay, he probably takes it personally as a sign that you're still mad at him. ("I apologized, why is she still upset? Why isn't anything I do enough for her?") and blows up again.

I have a similar response as you do (I need time to cool down). These are some of the strategies that I've used to break this type of cycle:

Instead of saying: "hey, did you do XYZ chore?"
Try: "Hey, when was the last time we XYZ chore'd?" or "Have we XYZ chore'd lately?" ("When was the last time we washed the dishes?" or "Have we washed the dishes lately?" - this asks for the same information - when was XYZ last executed - but using "we" instead of "you" reinforces that you two are a team, while making the question less accusatory / personal to him.)

Instead of saying: "oh, okay. I'll do it after I get changed."
Try: "Oh, okay. I wanted to finish XYZ tonight / tomorrow / <some period of time>, because <reason>. I can't do it because <other reason>. Would you help me XYZ ?" This makes it clear when and why you wanted to have XYZ done, why you aren't doing it yourself, and lets him choose whether or not to help. (If he's a good guy, and it's his usual chore, he'll likely say yes.) )

Instead of leaving:
First, try saying: "I think we're both upset right now; I need to take a walk / go to <location> to relax and clear my head. Can we take a quick break and talk about this in <some unit of time>?" This makes it clear what you are doing, and (more importantly) when you'll be back and ready to talk. Overestimate the amount you need; he'll probably be happy to see you if you come back early, but more upset if you come back late.

If he starts interrogating you when you leave:
Try: "I can see you're upset; I'm upset too. I really need to go <location / activity> to calm down and clear my head. I will be back by <time>. Let's talk about <first reason for the fight> then. I'd also like to know why my <going to location / activity> is so upsetting to you - when I get back, can we talk about that too?" This acknowledges his distress / separation anxiety and makes it clear it is important to you, while emphasizing your own needs.

If he gets upset that you're not immediately bouncing back after an argument:
Try: "Yes, we're good - I'm not mad at you anymore. However, my body's still flooded with adrenaline and it takes me a while to cool down. I should be back to normal in <x period of time>. I'm not ready to cuddle right now, but <some activity> together would help me feel better." This gives him some idea of how long you'll be in the upset-state, a path forward for him to make it up to you (that also would actually help you feel better), and reassurance that your relationship is okay using a make-up ritual. (ex: "I'm not ready to cuddle right now, but getting some ice cream / playing Mario Kart / watching some Game of Thrones / seeing XYZ chore done would make me feel better.") (He's probably used to relationships where the other person cuddles / kisses as part of their make-up ritual, and assumes that because you're not cuddly / kissy, it's not a real "make-up" and you're still mad. That's why communicating your discomfort, with a timeline, and giving him an alternative "make-up ritual" is important - so he can identify and get used to a new normalcy signal.)

It's basically communicating your needs / points of view, in a way that is not threatening / personally directed towards him. I found this book to be very helpful:

u/seventhirtyone · 1 pointr/IWantToLearn

I would recommend looking into
Nonviolent Communication - Marshall B. Rosenberg, which has a number of examples of deescalating angry conversations.

u/FanofEmmaG · 0 pointsr/AdviceAnimals

This is good advice, though. Your wife isn't trying to communicate like men communicate. She's trying to express her feelings. Figure out what she's feeling (or make an educated guess) and try to empathize with her.

I'd suggest looking into reading nonviolent communication. Good luck.

u/silverspork · 0 pointsr/polyamory

This is a first time thing for you, I get that. These conversations aren't easy to start, but they get easier with time and practice. If it helps, you might try writing down what you want to say ahead of time - this gives you time to really examine your feelings and what you're wanting to say.

You might want to look into the book Nonviolent Communication. Silly title, but it has some really good ideas and techniques for effective communication.