Reddit reviews Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
We found 14 Reddit comments about Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Tyndale House Publishers
One of my friends was given a book called "Sheet Music" http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0842360247?pc_redir=1412227508&robot_redir=1, and although I am not married, I gave it to another friend before her wedding, too. Both couples felt like it was a great book to go through together. You definitely should discuss this subject before marriage :)
(apology for formatting; on my phone)
With the "we've even tried oral" line, it sounds like you've been brought up with a very limited view of sex in the Christian home. This is normal, because we are taught that sex is evil, evil, evil, taboo, and wrong until the night we're married and then suddenly, what was once evil is now good, and we don't know what to do.
My wife and I are both Christians, virgins until the wedding night, true love waits, all that Jazz. Which we're proud of.
But we found ourselves in a similar sitch as you. I mean, Christian sex isn't really just to be "missionary only - for procreation only." I mean, what do you think Song of Solomon is all about? (Lots of oral sex in there.)
What really helped us unlearn all the wrong things we'd been told about what's taboo and what's not was a book called "Sheet Music" by Pastor Kevin Leman.
Seriously, this book pulls not punches and answers all questions as to what is outside of God's will for a married sexual relationship (which is much smaller than you'd think). Basically, bare bones, the only things totally outlawed by God are Anal Sex and extra partners (actual living, breathing ones).
I suggest you pick it up. It really is a good read.
EDIT: Here's that book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Sheet-Music-Uncovering-Intimacy-Marriage/dp/0842360247
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0842360247?pc_redir=1409669429&robot_redir=1
I've heard good things about this book.
> I think she feels guilt over doing anything sexual
This is one of the most damaging parts of the Purity Movement. It (mostly unintentionally, I hope) tends to ascribe all sexual thoughts and feelings as Dirty, and leaves people full of shame and guilt over natural human feelings.
The worst part: Getting married will not change this feeling of guilt. It has to be dealt with, confronted, changed. Maybe seeing a pastor will help, but many of them will just want to reinforce the "You're not married yet, stay pure" vibe, and virtually none will want to get into actual issues of sexuality and shame.
A psychologist should be the better support person, but they unfortunately don't have the spiritual authority (in the mind of the shamed) to pardon the religious side of the shame.
It took my wife over a decade of intentional work to get past it. Sometimes it still crops up. I fight it some, too, but because I rejected everything related to Christianity for a time before coming back, I was always more ready to throw out the "from people" issues of religion when they were harmful.
What you can do:
my wife and I read a book called Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman, which helped us process through some of how we were raised, as well as some of our past struggles. I may be worth reading through with your fiancee.
In the book, he recommends only like the first 4 chapters for engaged couples, and keeping the rest for after you are married, and I agree with him.
I'm not sure that a video is going to be the best medium to address her concerns. A book or audio recording would probably be better.
For a book, I've heard good things about Sheet Music
For audio, I'd recommend the Free Sex Podcast. They have an episode specifically devoted to honeymoon sex.
Both deal with sex within marriage from a Christian perspective.
https://www.amazon.ca/Intended-Pleasure-Itpe-Dr-Wheat/dp/0800719573/ref=pd_bxgy_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0800719573&pd_rd_r=1ce36c43-c6a5-11e8-9c40-258f68d376cf&pd_rd_w=m0FCf&pd_rd_wg=vkxvY&pf_rd_i=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_m=A3DWYIK6Y9EEQB&pf_rd_p=cda2b2aa-f379-4b98-b5ff-b78659186dbe&pf_rd_r=HVXKPJPS5GB0F009DYFZ&pf_rd_s=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_t=40701&psc=1&refRID=HVXKPJPS5GB0F009DYFZ
https://www.amazon.ca/Sheet-Music-Uncovering-Intimacy-Marriage/dp/0842360247/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0842360247&pd_rd_r=8b577cac-c6a5-11e8-b5ee-af66c644a3b1&pd_rd_w=MgNxx&pd_rd_wg=aQkeV&pf_rd_i=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_m=A3DWYIK6Y9EEQB&pf_rd_p=cda2b2aa-f379-4b98-b5ff-b78659186dbe&pf_rd_r=AJC7WVYYSS0SGAT0Z227&pf_rd_s=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_t=40701&psc=1&refRID=AJC7WVYYSS0SGAT0Z227
If you want to try more things, but don't want anything too extreme these Christian authors provide a great guide for talking through these issues and godly ways to seek each other's pleasure.
It does sound like there could be other factors at play that lower your libido. You mention feeling rushed and the bed being unavailable, so I'm guessing you have young kids. Can someone else watch the kids so you could have some time to yourselves? It may seem like a small thing, but it can make a big difference.
Also if there are a lot of stressful things going on that can also lower libido.
There is a great book called "sheet music"
here on Amazon
I didn’t ask you this in my previous post, but I’m assuming she’s a Christian. I don’t mean to question or doubt your girlfriend’s relationship with God, but how often does she go to church? Does she read the Bible everyday? Does she hang out with other Christians or have a lot of Christian friends? First, you need to see how much her Christian values are a part of her.
This is very essential with what you will need to do.
Now be honest. What is your intention with your girlfriend? Do you actually plan on getting married someday? Do you actually think she’s marriage material? Do you actually see yourself with her in 5 years? 10 years? 20+ years?
If not, then break up, but remember that this will scar her. Christians are taught sex is a gift from God. He never gave it to people to abuse it. God gave it to people so a husband and wife can enjoy their marriage and strengthen their relationship at a deeper level; not with some temporary girl or guy. This is why Christians teach that you should wait until marriage.
But it goes deeper than that. Sex is very, very intimate. It’s so intimate that you’re exposing a very deep mental, physical, and spiritual self to your partner. It’s like she had this most beautiful pearl in the world that was priceless. In fear of tainting its beauty or getting it stolen or lowering its worth/value, she had it locked up. She would dare not show it to anyone, but she does walk around in hopes to show it to someone one day and share that beauty with them.
A lot of people these days, don’t really treat sex the same way. They just sleep around and don’t think sex is highly valued or precious. I know a lot of men and women who has had sex to the point that they are only doing it for the sake of doing it. Some even implied it’s like a chore or just an urge that they would like to release.
I’ve also met a lot of Christian women and a few men who lost their virginity in the heat of passion and had to live with that guilt. Some actually believed they could never find a man/woman who would cherish them the same way if they were virgins.
Your girlfriend probably fits in that group. She showed you that “pearl.” She gave you that “ultimate gift”. If you leave just like that (especially with her all confused), that will affect her like all those other ones I know. She can even possibly blame you because you “led” her on and weren’t responsible enough to stop it. Yea, girls are like that. They get emotional and will start to shift the blame on men. Will she get over it? I have no idea. It just depends on how she handles it.
But now, I want to know what your position in life is. Are you planning on plate spinning or LTR? Given the society we live in, I don’t recommend marriage to many men and women. TRP is right that this society is so bad that when divorce occurs, everyone is just a man for themselves. They get so selfish that they have to extract as much as possible from their partner. They forget about trust, love, and commitment, and make it into a “me, me, me, me” battleground. They also forget that marriage has love and with love comes sacrifice. If you aren’t willing to sacrifice for her, don’t bother. If you can’t trust her when it gets bad or you lose a significant amount of SMV such as losing your job, then don’t bother.
To me, it seems she might be a possible unicorn. Conservatism in women are rare, or any women of that nature.
One more important matter: if you do stay with her, can you actually accept the Christian part of her? You said your philosophy on life has changed recently. That Christian part of her can conflict with your philosophy. It can even make you guys fight and argue. If you had answered my questions earlier to something along the lines of “little” or “not often/many,” then she isn’t much of a Christian to begin with. Her philosophy on life may change especially being 20 years old so there is also the possibility her view on sex could change. But if not, her outlook on life has significant influence from Christianity. If you don’t like that, then don’t bother.
TL;DR It just comes down to support and accepting her completely. While she's sorting out her thoughts, you shouldn't touch her either.
Btw, I would recommend you and your girlfriend to read this:
http://www.amazon.com/Sheet-Music-Uncovering-Intimacy-Marriage/dp/0842360247/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1408888905&sr=8-1&keywords=sheet+music
It should help you both understand sex biblically, which should help you understand/support her.
Just did a search for Doctor Who Sheet on Amazon and this is one of the items returned
I am assuming faith had something to do with your decision. Buy Sheet Music by Kevin Lehman.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0842360247/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1395901096&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40
If I made the wrong assumption, forgive me.
Either way - good luck. At year 14 of marriage all I can say is it's better than it ever was.
> So basically, people are devoting large portions of their lives to preserving purity and virginity until marriage and then they finally get married and they don’t even have good sex. Unless they are having great sex and not telling anyone about it…
If you're interested in a pretty mainstream take on things, I recommend the book Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman. Generally this sort of curriculum is covered in the counseling that churches require of engaged couples. Often there is something similar for newlyweds, too. Additionally, there are numerous programs, groups, and so on that already married couples participate in. Many of them specifically focus on the importance of sex in a Christian marriage.
My point is that "pure" couples [1] do discuss their sex lives. Just not with you or in blogs. I'll get to that later.
As far as sex being great? If a husband and wife have sex for the first time on their honeymoon, it will be about as good as two virgins having sex. It's generally accepted that sex will get better as the spouses explore their joint sexuality together.
Now, sex problems are common in Christian couples. A marriage of two virgins is not very common [2], so there's usually some spiritual baggage to work through there. On top of that, sexual history that was unhealthy, compulsive, adulterous, or abusive is more common than you might guess. Even spouses who brings no issues into their married sex lives, differences in expectations and appetites will need to be worked through. I'm sure there's more I'm leaving out.
Key to all of that is this: A healthy Christian in a healthy Christian community will have a safe place to go when they need to talk about sexual issues (and successes!). If the couple can't work through sexual problems on their own, they will have trusted friends to ask for advice, sympathy, tough love, and support through difficulties. Also, it's actually very common for groups of Christian wives to get together to encourage each other to make sex a fun priority -- with ideas, goals, encouragement, silliness, and so on. This is especially important after kids come into the picture.
Finally, I think many people on reddit haven't seriously considered the benefits of the couple who get married without any sexual history. I'll leave that part out for now because it's harder to explain, but I can take a crack at it if anyone's interested.
[1] No one is 100% pure. It's more of an aspiration than a measurement.
[2] In fact, it is generally accepted that young men are less pure going into marriage to do social stigma attached to male virginity, the lack of stigma attached to male promiscuity, easy-to-access pornography, and so on.
You have a killer Goodreads list.
Try "Blindness" by Jose Saramago. It's a gritty, heavy story exploring man's worst appetites, his indomitable spirit and much in-between. Similar to "Lord of the Flies", it has all the thrills and terrors that come with a post-apocalyptic world suffering from pandemic blindness.
It was cool to see John Eldridge, "Wild at Heart" and C.S. Lewis', "Great Divorce" and "Screwtape Letters" on your list. All three of those books were very important in my life. It made me think of another book that effected me positively "Sheet Music" by Kevin Leman. It picks up on the "hero" theme in Wild at Heart only in the context of intimacy in marriage and in many other ways explores how important sex is to a husband and wife (physically, psychologically and spiritually). He speaks to both genders. Whether you're greatly satisfied in this area already or looking for more, I imagine Leman's insights can be valuable to you and your marriage (even for people who don't necessarily believe in God or adhere to Christianity, etc.) Who doesn't like making a case for more sex in their life : )
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That being said, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance", by Robert M. Pirsig (credit /u/TrueLibertyorDeath) is a thick philosophical read on values that stands alone in it's genre. Definitely worth an introspective reader's time.
I'd second David Sedaris' "Naked" and "Me Talk Pretty One Day" if you want a sarcastic and sardonic take on one guys struggle through life (credit /u/rmill3r).
/u/markofoz mentioned "This Present Darkness", by Frank Peretti. This is Christian fiction that tells a story of struggle from the human perspective and the supernatural perspective of Angel's/Demon's fighting the unseen spiritual battle as well (kind of like an extension on Screwtape Letters). I read the series in high school and remember really enjoying them. It's a shallow, quick fun fantasy read.
>Sometimes I thinks its about religion cause she is Christian and I'm not.
I'm a Christian and I grew up in the Baptist church, which basically beats it into the head of their youth that premarital sex is the worst thing in the world. I was basically too scared to think about it, so I wasn't comfortable with my body or sexuality at all.
I'm getting married in a few months, and I'd highly recommend getting your wife this book: Sheet Music by Kevin Lehmann. Reading it together would increase intimacy between you two. I'm not marrying a non-theist, but if I was, and he offered to read this book about the Christian approach sexual intimacy with me, I'd feel it made us closer because he made the decision to involve himself in this one aspect of Christianity for the sake of strengthening of our marriage.