Reddit reviews Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
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Splitting Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
You mentioned in a previous post that she was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that she is also OCD and ADHD, untreated and unmedicated.
You're not, and have never been, dealing with a "typical" person. Her mental health issues are serious and as of yet, unmanaged. You can't expect typical behaviour from someone with her issues.
u/CagedPika has some good resources for dealing with people with NPD, which I hope he will post.
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder would be a good book for you too.
DBs aren't uncommon when teens marry due to unplanned pregnancy, especially if there is resentment included
Also divorcing a BPD woman. A few notes for you:
A BPD cannot cooperate. They must control, they must preserve conflict and must paint someone as an abuser so they appear as a victim. There is no medication for this. Only years of therapy will help, and BPD don't believe there is anything wrong with them so therapy is never a real option.
Get ready to stay on the offensive. Your divorce may cost you an arm and a leg but you can not concede anything or you'll spend the rest of your life reeling backwards.
Pick up a copy of Splitting and follow its advice to a T, even if it seems exaggerated or hokey. Good luck.
No one should have to go what you did. If my STBX had a younger twin sister, you married her.
I am so glad you are getting out. Save this post somewhere because you will want to occasionally remind yourself what you were going through, when you start to forget the bad stuff and think maybe it was not so bad. Right now it looks like you are in emotional turmoil but at least you are breaking out of the fog. You also might find http://psychopathsandlove.com/how-to-never-get-involved-with-an-abuser-again/ useful. You already found /r/raisedbynarcissists so you might also want to visit /r/bpdlovedones
Since you have recognized codependent behaviors in yourself, you can use the advice in No More Mr Nice Guy (there is a pdf you can browse first) to work on that.
Two useful books on your upcoming divorce:
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Will I Ever Be Free of You?: How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family
I am about a year ahead of you, and my head is a much better place now. You can do it.
Hi. Male here, with very similar circumstances. Actually I have two special needs sons and I also provide the financial support to the family (she was fine working but really crazy abusive to the kids when at home), but I also sort of acted as the parent to the kids and cleaned up after the emotional messes she made. Also I had even more reason to fear the legal system than you do because I'm male.
Here's what I did: Downloaded the Tape-A-Talk app on my phone. Memory chips for smart phones are amazingly cheap nowadays, and periodically I'd downloand the audio files to my work computer. Before I came inside I made it a habit to activate the app so it would record what went on. Other times you could tell from the tense atmosphere that there was going to be a blowup. So I'd go to the bathroom or something and turn on the app. Did this for many, many days. I didn't catch even 5% of the craziness, but over time even 5% adds up to enough to convince anyone with an open mind that the BPDer wasn't just having a bad day or was being taken out of context. At first it helped a lot just to know there was a 'witness' that this was happening and it wasn't my fault and it wasn't just my word against hers. I felt a lot better even though divorce seemed impossible. There was some record of my suffering, somewhere.
Collected a lot of these recordings. Couldn't really bear to listen to them at the time, but now that I've initiated divorce proceedings I've been going through them. I'm using a freeware app to cut them down to size for the court. I hired a Family Investigator to basically listen to a mass of her 'greatest hits', talk to various people, and write a report to the court dictating who is fit to be a parent. She, like many BPDers, has recruited and cultivated an extensive 'support network' of professionals and friends who believe her version. Lied about me being alcoholic, a child abuser, a wife beater, etc. But they haven't really heard my story and that's what the CFI does - listen to everyone's story and come to a conclusion.
Without the recordings I would have been dead in the water. Her lawyer is protesting various things about the recordings and the CFI's report, but ultimately family court will listen to all evidence even if it is 'tainted'. I highly recommend you make recordings like this. Even if you choose not to take action it makes a big difference and is saving the lives of my kiddos. State laws on recordings vary, but I'd record him even if it's illegal in your state/country. Even if the recordings can't be used in court itself, they can be used to, say, meet privately with the child advocate where it's just you and them and there's no one to say what actually was done during the meeting. If the child advocate really knows what's going on, it's a lot harder for them to fall under the spell of the BPD's charm.
I'd recommend setting up a meeting with a lawyer to talk about your situation and what options you have. Obviously you have to take precautions to maintain operational security though. I first saw a lawyer over a year before launching the divorce. She didn't believe me either at first, but the recordings convinced her and now it's almost comical in that she's become this sort of avenging fury of justice while I'm restraining her, preaching realism and moderation in the divorce.
There's more stuff - it gets incredibly complicated with a BPDer. If you want to talk message me.
Edit:
I also downloaded This book to my phone, which was helpful. I didn't read it cover to cover, but I skimmed through it to prepare mentally and it did help me anticipate some of the moves in the process.
Also, on reading the suggestions below, under my state's law, it's illegal to record someone's conversation that you're not a party to. Doing it via phone while you're carrying it in your pocket made all of those recorded convo's legal. leaving the phone on the nightstand and recording her behavior with the kids with me not being there is illegal - still useful, but technically illegal and a possible class IV felony. This is why meeting with a divorce lawyer is a good idea, to establish the boundaries of the law.
First off, do yourself a huge favor and read this book.
I was in a similar situation as you-- married 11 years, two kids at about 7 and 9 at the time. Ex-wife didn't have substance abuse issues but she spent and spent-- constantly got angry at me that I "wasn't making enough" despite me making 6 figures and her taking time off to raise the kids and work on her second Masters degree.
I know you're doubting yourself and (like a good father) worry about the effect a divorce will have on your two boys... But let me cut through all the chaff and spell it out for you-- leave. Get out.
You've already acknowledged your possible co-dependency. My experience in giving my ex-wife "one last chance" as she promised to seek treatment back fired on me as she just cemented her relationship with the guy she was cheating on my with and took the time to legally prepare. Don't make the same mistake as I did and give yours that chance.
I can't 100% predict what you'll be after your divorce, but it was a huge relief for me to return to a calm, trouble-free home after work. I believe the removal of such a negative influence on my life (and your boys' lives, too-- let's not kid ourselves, her behavior will effect them if not now then certainly later) that I feel I became a better father to my kids. Not always having to be on the defensive will give you more energy to put back into being a dad. Less arguing in front of the kids because you got 80/20 ground beef instead of 90/10 will be less stressful for them.
If you feel your kids will be in harm's way when you start the process, make sure your attorney and court know this. We have 50/50 visitation and there was a lot of "parental alienation" on the part of my ex-wife (BPDs are "perpetual victims," nothing they did brought them to this point in their lives and everyone is out to get them) which after two years after the divorce was finalized is still going on today.
Now my oldest daughter is 12 and wants to live with me full-time; we'll be returning to court soon to hammer that out. The typical BPD is never thinking about the long-game, and that's why-- if properly handled-- they will always lose.
PM me for more info if you want.
It's really hard to do. First and foremost, speak to an attorney. Don't give her any hints that you're planning to divorce her in advance. My post history from a couple of years ago shows all that I went through, including claims that she had already called the police on me (she had not. and I called the police the next day to see how I could protect myself), breaking into my email to get my correspondence with the attorney, and not being honest about large amounts of debt.
I recommend this book - Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with BPD or NPD. It is a good understanding of the steps you can take, and what is and is not within your control during the process. I'm not diagnosing your wife with any sort of certain illness or disorder, but I will say the behavior you describe certainly has a Cluster B flavor to it. In fact, the way you wrote about her objections to therapy are nearly word-for-word what I dealt with over the years when trying to get her to go to couples counseling with me.
Another person in this thread mentioned projection with your wife describing Laura as a Narcissist, and I experienced that as well. I wasn't falling back into the cycle of staying in the marriage yet again to make it work, because I always believed her that things would get better. She finally went to a talk therapist. Once my ex realized that, I was accused of being a sociopath, and that her new therapist agreed with her that I was the cause of all her mental and physical problems. The therapist I had never met, and during her first session.
What truly helped me was individual therapy for myself, and finding a group of people in /r/BPDlovedones who had bizarrely similar experiences to my own over the years. I was pointed there after telling a bit of my story in /r/Divorce and some users suggested I go take a look. It took a lot for me to understand just how toxic the relationship was, and my part in that cycle. Hell, I even had a similar experience in discussing my concerns with her parents, and that being used against me by her.
I also recommend the books Boundaries, and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life. Stop Caretaking was probably the best one for giving me concrete examples of how my own behavior and thought patterns were part of the problem.
It took me a long time and many false starts to leave that unhealthy relationship. I wish I had the knowledge, strength, and courage to have done it sooner.
> Has anyone wrote an email or letter to his/her SO (ex or not) AND SENT IT, and gotten a positive result from it?
Yes. But not in the way you'd expect. I've gotten a response where she wrote down a lot of paranoid accusations after I emailed her a well thought out explanation of the multiple reasons (with documented historical incidents for each reason) we can't be together.
Among other things she accused me of planning to murder her and being a Moriarty-level criminal mastermind. LOL.
Very delusional and paranoid "fantasies".
That email reply from her is an exhibit in divorce court in the child custody case.
So yes, you could say it had an unanticipated positive effect in cutting a potentially long, drawn out process of proving that she's got mental health issues and is not a fit parent.
TLDR: Email response from STBX extremely useful in showing divorce court that she's paranoid and delusional, cutting to the chase in my custody fight.
Other than what I've written above, nothing good can come from emailing your undiagnosed BPD ex.
Also whatever you do, do not admit any fault in writing for anything you did or did not do OK?
She will use that in court against you in the child custody case.
One other thing, just FYI. There is no hope in having an amicable divorce with your BPD ex. It will be pure hell (* I'm you, only 6 months into the divorce process, divorce will take at least 1 year if not 2 or 3)
I recommend getting and reading this book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder in addition to Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
No slap intended at all. My apologies that it was expressed that way.
It's just the process and the reality of it. In my experience, Family court doesn't care, the lawyers don't care, and unless there is photographic evidence someone is beating / abusing the children, the family court kind of dismisses these complaints about the other spouse as emotional background noise, so to speak.
Here's my peptalk for you:
If taking a bunch of raggedy OLD toys and clothes is all it costs to get her out of your house, don't think of it as money lost - then think of it as tuition for the education you are getting - she's teaching you how she will behave in the future. And when people tell show you who they are, believe them. You can look into getting NEW toys and clothes for the kids. Or make it a new activity, you and the kids check out garage sales on the weekends to get replacement toys.
Go for 50-50 shared joint and legal custody and don't accept anything less. The property division, who gets the microwave - it's all bullshit compared to your relationship with your kids. One bit of advice - don't ever move more than short distance away from where your kids are. Stay in their day-to-day lives. It's so super important.
Maybe others have had different experiences, but that's been mine. The higher earner gets screwed and the drama should hopefully all be ironed out within a few years.
At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself, "Is this really worth the cost of what it's doing to me emotionally?"
She's angry, and taking it out on you by trying to grab all the cookies she can. You're absolutely right, the way she is behaving is childish, aggressive, petty, and only serves to make the situation much more hostile. She's wrong for doing that. She and her mother are equating objects and property with value. The kids are the most valuable thing here.
One of life's most basic laws is that every single act of generosity will multiply and return to you many times over. Her actions will have consequences - a good deed is a seed for future kindness; a bad deed is a landmine which will be brought up again and hurt others in the future. She's going to poison her relationship with the kids by these actions, kids aren't stupid.
It sounds like you have been dealing with the emotional rollercoaster for a while. I don't know your situation, but I'd like to suggest you check out the book: https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254 by Bill Eddy. He's a mediator and it's a fantastic book for explaining why people do the things they do during divorce. I think you'll recognize your ex in a lot of that book.
I completely and totally understand feeling like "WTF?!?! Attorney you're supposed to be fighting for me!!" Here's the reality - the more you want your attorney to fight, the more money they will be charging you and it's a never ending cycle. You can always make more money.
Good luck to you. I am sorry you're going through this. It's like being an emotional burn victim for a couple of years. You carry the scars with you, but you live to fight another day. Sorry for the novel. : )
Been there, done that.
How a BPD Love relationship evolves:
http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm
This is word for word what we went through.
Now we're at this stage:
http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1321083926&sr=8-1
The start of that book has a list of ~25 or so BPD behaviors in a divorce. She's following 22 of them.
She's working from a script, and you're not part of it.
The person you think you're marrying doesn't exist. No one exists there. Instead, she's little more than a grab-bag collection of needs fears, insecurities, and coping techniques.
I didn't know. You don't have that excuse.
You need her to be in therapy NOW. You both need to go regularly. You MUST go by yourself to a different therapist once a month. That therapist will help you keep your boundaries. A BPD has no boundaries, and without professional help, you will lose your boundaries too.
I highly recommend this book:
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
It's a quick read, and is seriously helpful.
BPD is really tough and creates its own set of issues with divorcing. You need to prepare yourself and there are some great resources that can help get you through this. I'd suggest two books, which are both quick reads: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone With BPD or NPD and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. Document everything and keep a daily journal of events including care of the children. Learn everything you can about BPD and how to help your kids through this. Do not expect cooperation but be thankful when and if it happens. Best of luck to you - it's a tough road and I'm also starting the same journey.
Get this book. I got it digitally from my local library:
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
by Bill Eddy and Randy Kreger
It was a real eye opener for me. They will rush into court looking for "emergency" court orders etc. and it is very important to know how to deal with that. It even includes a chapter on how to find a lawyer who understands how BPDs behave.
Check out Stop Walking on Eggshells.
I'll be completely honest with you. Leaving her may be the easier path in the long run. If you decide to divorce, check out Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
What's stopping you from moving all your shit into a storage space RIGHT NOW to keep it safe from her and finding somewhere else to stay until you can find a new job? Then you can move and persue divorce at that point.
Use credit card if you don't have the cash saved, get out NOW and get out FAST.
Read http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254. Good luck.
One more thing - saw this mentioned today and it might help you: https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1480342616&sr=8-1&keywords=book+splitting
Bill Eddy has a great book called "Splitting," about divorcing people with personality disorders. His website also has useful information.
I got the name of the book wrong. It's this one:
https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
You can do a search for high-conflict divorces on BPD loved ones. I lurk there occasionally, but never post. I don't think it would be safe.
I'm so sorry.
Purchase and read Splitting from cover to cover before you do anything. When you initiate the split, things will get worse and you need to know how to protect yourself.
>I'm starting to wonder if I have BPD
You don't have BPD. At worst, it's very common to 'catch fleas' from your BPD partner. If you leave, your BPD-like symptoms will diminish. I would also suggest therapy once you're out.
Get your own lawyer and put a temporary agreement in place. Don't ever talk to her lawyer about anything.
And read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
> I walk around on eggshells all the time.
That key phrase is important. You might be dealing with a borderline personality disorder spouse. I highly recommend you read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder. If that resonates with you, then read the follow up book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Forget dating until after divorce. You need time to heal, and rushing back into a relationship too soon will make you vulnerable to a predator.
As far as guilt goes, marriage takes two committed spouses. Those vows are not one sided. So stop feeling guilty you're the only one trying to uphold them.
Get 2 copies of this book, one for you, one for your lawyer.
http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
She's dangerous. Stay away, the accusation, even when proven false can still destroy your life. I hope you have read a few of Batmanrebirthed's comments on this subject, he want through this. Its' limited his employment options. Even though proven innocent, the suspicion lingers, people wonder if he was the "rapist that got away". Get out now, stay in a hotel or better with friends or parents who can vouch for you, you'll want alibi.
Consider this a warning incident - no charges to defend, it's not out there in the public domain, you got off very lightly this time.
Never, ever be alone with this woman again, she has the power to absolutely destroy your life with accusations like this, it doesn't matter that they're not true, you know what masterful victims BPDs are, how adept they are at eliciting sympathy and getting people to side with them. It's a game she will probably win, you being a non are a novice at it, while she's had a lifetime to hone her abilities.
All future contact would be best conducted through a divorce lawyer, preferably one with some knowledge of BPD. Get a hold of the book "Splitting" by Randi Kreger.
https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
Awesome post and great comments, some really good advice all around.
Well done on getting this far friend.
This book may be useful to your right now
This is sort of tangential advice, but he (and you, too) might be interested in this book. Divorces can be very messy, but tons of people go through them and survive, and there are many professionals who are used to dealing with high conflict personalities.
I am in a very similar situation at the moment. We started out in mediation and I believed it was for the kids benefit that I do the every other weekend routine (or, if I decided to take her generous offer, every weekend).
Once I asked for 50% parenting time she completely flipped. I have had several emails where she accuses me of being a danger to the children and recently she threatened to try and take out a restraining order after I drove off when she started to yell at me and charge up to my car to continue to yell at me.
I have several examples of her poor and contradictory behavior in email, and my lawyer has the same information now too. She has reported that she doesn't have enough money to run the A/C in the house, but that same weekend she got a matching tattoo with her boyfriend. She has even gone as far to contact my new girlfriend behind my back to arrange a meeting "for the kids". I am happy that my girlfriend is a licensed therapist and can not only see through her manipulation, but can also help me remain calm and vet my emails so that they follow the BIFF statement detailed in another comment here.
I live in a single party notification state, so I keep audio recordings of each and every verbal conversation so she can't misrepresent the situation after the fact.
In order to keep yourself balanced, make sure you surround yourself with good friends and talk to them. Seeing a therapist is also a good step and will be a positive item to the court. As she loses control over you and you quit reacting to her she will become more angry and more manipulative. Be careful as she will use others against you. Emails which are quite benign that I have sent have been answered with 2 page long invective's that repeat how I am a poor father and that I am snide, condescending and that I am constantly angry.
I recently picked up the following book from the library:
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
I have yet to finish it, but it has good information on how you should act, how to help yourself and your lawyer. You will be insulted in court, she will try to make you look like a poor father. The best defense it to know you are a good father and that you can show you are taking the high road.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, it is tough to have someone you thought had your best interests in mind to turn around and attack you with the intimate knowledge of your life. But this is really about protecting yourself and being the best you can be for your children.
I wish you luck.
I recommend waiting until the divorce is done. This book helped me get out of similar position with as little damage as possible. https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
Are you divorcing? Or were you never married?
If so look into this book:
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1608820254/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_r2vRBb2RFAE9T
I’m so sorry for how hard your life is with this man. You are living on eggshells! You deserve freedom.
I highly recommend the book “splitting“ - it will help you keep yourself safe if/when you undertake the difficult process of leaving a narcissist.
https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
Good luck! You can do this! I highly recommend posting over on /r/narcissisticabuse
I hope you have gotten this message from me already. This book is highly recommended for all sorts of divorce/disputes among people who used to be a couple.
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
Ok She may indeed have one of these disorders.
There's a book about this that might help you, called "Splitting"
I strongly recommend this book if you're married to somebody with BPD.
http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
Somebody I know went through a breakup and custody battle with a long term girlfriend who had/has BPD. Bad stuff. Great you want to help, but protect yourself.
I hadn't realized my ex got married. My condolences. RUN!
Let me suggest a book that will help.
https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481569764&sr=8-1&keywords=splitting
> i would take your daughter and leave if possible, but im sure you know that that will be nearly impossible. If I were in your shoes, I would take off and try to start a new stable life for your daughter to be involved in.
No. Let me repeat that - NO. Talk to a lawyer first. If he takes off with her, chances are he'll get fucked for it when it comes to the custody battle in the divorce. Men usually get the short end of the stick in custody cases. If he's had her arrested, there is only a mark on her record if charges were pressed and a conviction was made. Otherwise, her lawyer could try to play the "he hit me, and I was defending myself" argument. Even then, if the history of abuse against him is there, they still might give her some leeway because she didn't abuse the kid.
Consult a lawyer before doing anything. I hate to say this, but request a psych eval, and use it against her in the custody fight. As someone with BPD and is married, this book scares the fuck out of me:
http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1344279069&sr=1-1&keywords=borderline+personality+disorder+divorce
Good luck.
I read these two books:
http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/
They helped me understand the experience, understand the mistakes I made and that I'm not alone.
Talk to your friends. The first thing an abuser does is isolate you. Many of your relationships may not be where you want them to be. But you'd be surprised how strong they actually are. The reason I say this is because abusers have a pattern of going after people that are gentle caring people. And this means you have a strong network of friends. Go to them, and talk to them.
Take care of yourself. Make sure other things in your life are the way they want to be. Are you proud of your physique? Are you happy with where your career is going? Are you happy with your accomplishments? You're free from the overwhelming pain of a person that was emotionally insecure and made themselves feel better by putting you down. You are now free to write your own story without that crippling pain, go and write it.
I'm in the process of dicorving someone who is mentally ill as well. The book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder really helped put things into perspective (which I had read it beforehand). /r/NarcissisticAbuse/ is another good resource. Protect yourself, things will probably get worse before they get better.
Then I question whether you were happily married all these years.
These books may be helpful. Good luck.
Maybe [this] (http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254) could help?
Here it is.
Yes, it's called 'learned helplessness ' and it's pretty common with abuse. But when you really think about it, you've been doing it all along, with probably little to no help from him. You're more than capable, especially once you get out from behind him holding you back. Stay prepared and you will make it. After all the threats from my ex about taking the kids away, not paying support, etc, I receive 49% of his paycheck for the next 5 years until I establish my own career that I had to put on hold while he advanced his career. You're going to be okay. Have you read the book "Why Does He Do That?"? That one I actually have as a pdf and can email it to you if you pm me your email address. Those two books changed my life!
u/Significant_Cupcake you are doing the right thing by cutting it off now. What you described gave me chills & brought me back to my divorce. Splitting up with someone who can’t be honest when are obvious can have it’s own unique challenges. Not sure how / if your wife fits the NPD / BPD mould, but if she does consider getting this book, it was very helpful for me during my own divorce. Good luck brother.
As I read your post I felt like I could have written it, except I've been in a relationship for 9 years and living together for 5 years and we have a 4 year old. It is very difficult to separate from someone you are living with, particularly when you have a child. You are absolutely doing the right thing by taking the steps to protect your and your child's future. Parents shape their child's view of relationships and the best thing you can do is to show them you are willing to do what it takes to be happy.
My partner is likely an N-personality type, but it may be another BPD. (I'll probably never know because the only time we did therapy, he turned the therapist against me.) I'm currently in the process of looking for a new place to live (again) and am gearing up for it to be HARD based on my previous attempts to separate.
I agree with what everyone else has said about making sure you have your support network in place before making a move. One book that I have found helpful is Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I'm keeping everything very close to the vest until I have all my ducks in a row (lawyer, therapist, new apartment, etc.) to avoid being sabotaged as we work through what the child custody agreement will look like. I live in a 50/50 equal parenting rights state. I too am really hoping to use a mediator and keep it out of court, but based on the advice I have received so far, it's probably better to have paperwork filed with the court so there is quick recourse if/when N decides to start gaslighting/sabotaging down the road.
Wish I had more advice to give, but just know you are not alone.
Read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Have a look at:
http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=ox_sc_act_title_1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER
http://www.amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity/dp/1514683814?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=ox_sc_act_title_2&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER
I've never read either of these, I just stumbled across them the other day. I wish had thought about (or knew to look for) such information when I needed it.
I have read:
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1463149523&sr=1-1&keywords=stop+walking+on+eggshells
This offers a lot of insight to understanding a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, but doesn't offer any advice about leaving one.
My ex made my life hell, and that actually ramped up during the divorce and afterwards. She left me, but decided to punish me when I didn't miss her (her actual words, years later). Step very carefully.
Before any of that, get yourself some therapy or a support group. If you are actually dealing with a personality disorder, you need to give special thought to your own recovery. Most people who haven't experienced something like it simply can't relate to your experience. Seek out someone who can.
It is entirely possible you're learned to enable bad behavior, and you'll need to give real thought to how to get yourself healthy. I had no idea how "ground down" I was at the end of my marriage. I was barely human, but kept right on paying bills and taking care of things. There wasn't much of anything left under my responsibilities, just a sad grey ghost.
Anyhoo.... Good luck and be careful.
Check out this book! Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Talks about the necessity of documenting everything, doing stuff in front of witnesses, the inevitability of them turning mean and how to deal with that, etc.
http://www.amazon.ca/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=sr_1_2/178-0859577-1234539?ie=UTF8&qid=1395119062&sr=8-2&keywords=divorcing+a+narcissist
https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1539625721&sr=8-1&keywords=splitting+protecting+yourself+while+divorcing