Reddit reviews Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

After 12 years of marriage, it just got progressively worse. I have tried to respond every different way under the sun. Talking her down for hours barely worked but left me exhausted. Letting her sit was worse. She didn't want resolution, she wanted blood. "Don't chase after me!" "Why didn't you chase after me, you dont care!" I have heard it all. It didnt matter, every fight ended in another mark against me to be remembered forever, and used as a pattern for future rages. It got to a point that 80-90% of the things on that list were fictitious.

So I read a book after she threatened to leave for the 12th time in 12 years. Stop taking care of the Borderline. It was my way of dealing with my isolation and depression. After a few months, I finally had had enough and let her know that her anger was no longer going to control me. I would be happy to discuss any topic calmly but I would not listen to another rage. This was too much for her and she wanted to live separate lives in the same house... Because I was already financially and emotionally responsible for the relationship and I was also the live in maid and cook. I put my foot down and said "no", either we are a couple or we are not... she said not, and then I said for the first time OK.

After a month, a few books, and a counselor, there is no way I would go back. I'm living on my spare bedroom while she is looking for a place but Im not looking over my shoulder or afraid if there is a female checkout person at the register any more. Im not asking myself every 5 minutes of every day if she is happy, or if I magically upset her again. I still have a divorce to go though, but I can see happiness in my life at the end of the tunnel.

>I didn't want any of this. I just wanted to be happy and be loved. I never fucking asked to exist and here I am, in absolute misery, having experienced almost nothing but pain, fear and anguish my entire life.

I've been here before. I bet if you knew me, you wouldn't be able to believe that I felt that way... that I could be capable of it, since I'm a valuable human being who people care about.

And I would say the same about you, if I knew you.

We are our own worst enemies.

I agree that your ex probably had BPD and that you were primed to find someone like her because of your relationship with your Mom. Check out this book when you have a chance; not to get back to her, but because if you understand the dynamic fully it may help you walk away (particularly if you can't see your therapist regularly.)

>I had one decent relationship and I ended it because I didn't know what to do. She didn't need me to take care of her so I flipped out.

I've just been through hell and back after a breakup, because I was that normal girl. My ex's ex had BPD and his parents were personality disordered. I loved my ex with all my heart, but he took out a lot of his pain on me, because we did have a good relationship that allowed him to feel safe. No one else in his life had ever made him feel safe, so I became an outlet and he played out battles with ghosts from his past with me. He imploded, left me, and has no idea why he did it. I know why - he got to a point where he made better relationship choices for himself but has yet to heal the pain from his childhood. And, unfortunately, by loving him I got a heaping dose of pain myself.

Be courageous, and go through this process fully, so you don't end up carrying on the legacy of hurt. When you fall in love with a decent girl you want to be able to love her, and not implode like my ex. To get there you have to stop being afraid of pain. Try to keep your end goal in sight and step outside of yourself enough to see that pain can be an ally.

I can tell by reading your posts that you are one of the rare people that can turn this on it's head and go on to be happy and make other people happy. You've got kindness, you've got self-awareness, and you've got the courage. All you need now is to understand that all of the bullshit you've been through isn't you, which is hard thing to do if you were programmed from childhood with a warped version of what love is.