Reddit reviews Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life
We found 21 Reddit comments about Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Rowman Littlefield Publishers
Buy this and read it https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321
Arguing with a bpd doesn't lead anywhere. There is no reason for you to fight for a full week. Seriously, read the book. Then decide what you want to do. You deserve better.
No, it is pretty distinct.
Codependency tends to stem from low self-esteem and self-worth, often in the sense of "no one else will love me" kind of way. Enmeshing your emotions with someone else's to feel worthwhile.
Caretaker is more about trying to fix things - the positive feeling for when things are going well, that rush of "I did it, I made the other person better." There is definitely an addictive part, feeding the ego even though you aren't actually in control of anything. You often feel if you just work harder, or do more, it will get better.
Codependent didn't match up with my experience much. I'm confident, don't need constant reassurance. I do recognize a past pattern of feeling that being alone (without a partner) would make me feel bad, so there's a bit of it.
Caretaker was my patterns exactly. Self confident, good interacting with other people, competent at work. But in my relationship, I wanted everything to Be Good. I wanted her to be happy, I kept to myself how bad it really was, I pushed down my dissatisfaction to keep up appearances. Made excuses for her behavior (showing up at family / school events without her, that sort of thing).
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist is a book that was recommended to me here, and it gave me a lot of clarity. What I particularly appreciated was the perspective of not really being about BPD or how to fix it, but more about your own behavior and concrete examples of how to take care of yourself if you have Caretaker tendencies.
A "successful relationship" with a pwBPD means a calm one, extraordinarily rarely does it mean a supportive romantic partnership. Is that what you're wanting for the rest of your life, to take care of someone who is ill while never having your needs met? Whether you would say yes or no, I'd highly recommend reading this book, which will help you set the necessary boundaries to have a baseline relationship:
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1442238321/
I would read a couple books in your situation.
This one helped me put some perspective about my relationship with my mother. https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1442238321/ "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist and get on with life"
This other was a good read too as if the author was a fly on the wall of my childhood home https://agileleanlife.com/toxic-parents/
www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321/
https://www.youtube.com/user/samvaknin (some people don't like me linking to this. Vaknin is quite manipulative himself).
https://www.youtube.com/user/SPARTANLIFECOACH
Dr Phil is full of narcissists - what better than a national audience. See how many you can rcognise.
Caregiver personalities are especially susceptible. If you think you have those inclinations, a great book is Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life . It really made me think about the things I was doing to conitnue/enable/etc the bad parts of the relationship.
No. There is no point. Get far away before this ruins your life. Seriously! Then read the book codependent no more and learn to love yourself. You don't deserve someone who is defective. You deserve someone who cares for you as much as you care for them.
If you want to find out what sort of hell you would live in trying to make it work, read this book. Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life
And know that your life will be shit with them.
Please get away from them before you destroy your life for good.
According to what I have read; if you do nothing the relationship will run its course in 11 years... mine lasted 12. This would be my formula without any background info from you.
I wish you the best of luck. More answers will come as you go down the path.
I thought the same thing. I am currently reading Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama and I have to say it is eye opening. Especially in light of OP's desire to tolerate her behavior.
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BTW - I've been at it for nearly 30 years and it's not better. I'm just worn down and angry with myself for being such a doormat.
BPD is really tough and creates its own set of issues with divorcing. You need to prepare yourself and there are some great resources that can help get you through this. I'd suggest two books, which are both quick reads: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone With BPD or NPD and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. Document everything and keep a daily journal of events including care of the children. Learn everything you can about BPD and how to help your kids through this. Do not expect cooperation but be thankful when and if it happens. Best of luck to you - it's a tough road and I'm also starting the same journey.
Post mortem as in pouring over everything to make sense of the relationship due to FOG(fear, obligation, guilt).
Emotional children seek caretakers, someone who will put everything into them to boost the caretakers self-esteem at the expense of the caretakers needs. This is a tacit agreement between the two from the beginning pretty much. This book explains it well (where I acquired the nomenclature of 'caretaker'):
https://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321
Therapy doesn’t always help. Got to get a good one. Or one that avoids meds. Or one that embraces them. Different for everyone. And a long road. And sometimes nothing can be done. From what so read it sounds like she may have some borderline elements and this book could resonate or help you feel better about a path forward.
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1442238321/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ruKWDb8J1XB4T
I wanted to recommend the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad. Massively, massively helpful for my own situation, and I think it will be a great help for you, too. It doesn't just focus on the narcissist, it also discusses the caretaker role along with practical advice on how to cope with, manage, or leave the narcissist.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1442238321/
You all REALLY need this book so you can just STOP making excuses for enabling this woman.
I think what your therapist is recommending is that you read books and other resources about the two conditions to help you understand how to not enable her behavior and also to help you heal from her abuse.
And you are right, it isn't the same as a diagnosis. But ultimately, your response will be very similar with or without a diagnosis. My jusno's do not have any formal diagnoses that I know of. Originally, I thought that they might be this or that, and it felt like I needed to know. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I would never know, and furthermore my course of action wouldn't change even if I did know. Which means, for me, the precise condition is ultimately irrelevant. You will have to determine relevancy yourself. Your therapist has given you a generalized area to research that will hopefully help you to find the right path forward for you. I personally would also look at books on narcissism - not because I think your therapist is wrong, but rather because the conditions are similar enough that the books are helpful. Sometimes this is more about finding an author who speaks your language than it is about the precise condition.
Please take the time to understand the differences between Bi-Polar and Borderline Personality. My understanding is that they are pretty different in terms of their source, presentation and how to treat them. I have done way more research on personality disorders than Bi-polar.
Book options (based on your therapist suggestion) to help you on your way:
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=borderline&qid=1568749104&s=gateway&sr=8-5 - have read this one - it is good
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=borderline&qid=1568748960&s=gateway&sr=8-2 - have heard good things about this one, no personal experience.
https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319/ref=pd_sbs_14_19?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0765703319&pd_rd_r=1df02639-93bb-4407-a19e-09f71cb173bc&pd_rd_w=8tGI6&pd_rd_wg=FsKic&pf_rd_p=d66372fe-68a6-48a3-90ec-41d7f64212be&pf_rd_r=7J859K8ZGXEKBHVS3EW5&psc=1&refRID=7J859K8ZGXEKBHVS3EW5 - have also heard good things about this one.
Just take a look here in this sub or similar subs. Books, YouTube videos and therapists. There is no happy endings sadly. We want to fix everything, we want that everything works are the end. But if they don't want (and they don't), there is nothing we can do and we only gonna suffer.
The other fellow redditor got cheated in the begining of the relationship. And what happened? Got cheated again. And gonna be again and again. It's a never ending cycle. "Regular" people can learn from their mistakes. BPD don't. If they cheat it's your fault. If they treat you like trash it's because of you. Etc. Take a moment to read this sub and you gonna see all the patterns.
You can keep trying if you want, but sooner or later you won't take it anymore and you gonna have lost a bunch of years of your life suffering.
They have their good moments, but the bad moments don't worth the price of admission. And most important: You are a valuable person and you need to be treated accordingly. They don't deserve our love and care. They simply don't value it.
Everybody here recommends this book. It's really good. Take a look for yourself: https://www.amazon.com.br/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321
And I tried hard for 3 years, my friend. The only thing I got from them was a bunch of traumas. The good part is that I today know my worth and value myself a lot more.
Start being more selfish. Take care of you. Everything will be better at the end.
Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist
Book by Margalis Fjelstad.
It can help you figure out what boundaries you want and how to put them in place. Here's a note from the author
"I see that relationship interactions are the result of the thoughts, beliefs, feelings and reactions of ALL parties. Too often the Borderline or Narcissist is blamed and the other participants feel like victims. Family Systems theory sees that everyone contributes to the problem and any one of them can change the final results. The Caretaker can change what s/he does and change the outcome for themselves and everyone else.
I have written the book for anyone who has an ongoing relationship with a Borderline or Narcissist. This could be a spouse, dating partner, sibling, parent, child, in-law, co-worker or friend. Therapists could use the book as they work with their clients who feel “stuck” and frustrated in a relationship with a Borderline or Narcissist. My most recent book, Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship, complements this material by providing next steps in the healing process."
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321/
The following books helped me at various points in my recovery, in this order:
Ahh... Sorry to hear that. I don't think I have any "good" advice for you here. Bringing him is like likey to aggravate problems even if you could degrade yourself enough to get him to split you white prior. I guess just try to ignore him when he starts acting out?
And for the future, checking out Stop Caretaking , it has advice to help you through the ups and downs of staying with a BPD or NPD partner while keeping/regaining a sense of yourself.
You're welcome. I just noticed now that she authored this book. I haven't read it but if it's anything like this article I might have to pick it up. Also a video.