Reddit reviews Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior

I hear you, and I have shared in your choice not to abandon an abusive partner in the past. I agree with you that often, abuse comes from a legacy of hurt and suffering that is repeating itself. I believe that if people are aware of their behaviors and thought patterns and emotional trauma and are willing and motivated to break the cycle, progress can be made. That said, I don't think that any relationship is worth prioritizing the physical or emotional safety of one partner over another, and that if one partner feels unsafe around the other partner, they should do what they can to get out and to be safe. Each person is special, and every relationship holds its own sacred allure - if this wasn't true, we wouldn't date or stay with abusive partners.

It's especially "sticky" for partners who are emotionally attuned to their abusive partners' suffering. When we can see the wounded child, we have a harder time painting that person as a villain. Sometimes we do this until it's too late. Sometimes we reach a breaking point within ourselves. Sometimes we maintain this dynamic for the rest of our lives. I have seen it play out in many different ways. People are complicated.

If your partner is able to admit that his behavior is or has been abusive, and wants to change, then there is indeed help for him. Therapy with a counselor is a great place to start. I would strongly recommend this route for the accountability that it provides.

However, if that's not a step that your partner is ready to take, here are some books that might be helpful for you and/or for your partner to read. You can find them all on Amazon:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved by Lundy Bancroft

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior

I wish you luck, and I encourage you to keep your own safety and well-being at the front of your mind. As they say, if you don't put on your own oxygen mask first, then how can you assist the other passengers in need?