Reddit reviews Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
We found 131 Reddit comments about Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Stop Walking on Eggshells Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
Ah yes, same here. Married 6 years. I should have figured it out when she wrote a horribly nasty letter to my mom behind my back about a year in, but she had me convinced somehow that my mom was at fault for whatever it was. She also turned on all my friends one by one, saying this person is mean, that person is a terrible friend etc when the only one freaking out and causing drama was my ex. All my friends knew what a train wreck it was, but I wouldn't have listened to them if they had said anything. I had to come to the realization myself and it took me way too long. Like years too long.
As someone else mentioned, it really is likely to be Borderline Personality Disorder. For anyone else dealing with this, I recommend reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. It really helped me at the time.
Also she knows my username and I couldn't care less if she reads this. Fuck you bitch, I hope your life has further unraveled and people aren't willing to put up with your shit!
edit - grammar
> ...Maybe I'm being an asshole, but we're both scared of breaking the news to her. Kids have never been a huge deal to either of us, but this will destroy her. We already have a pretty shit relationship with her, how do we tell her?
Don't tell her anything.
REPEAT: DON'T. TELL. HER. ANYTHING.
The nice thing about being CF is that you can delay indefinitely. Let's suppose you and SO decide to wed. 1 1/2 seconds after the ceremony is completed, MiL starts nagging you about why you haven't given her a grandbaby yet. You and SO smile, giggle, looking knowingly at each other, and say "We're working on it!"
You can keep that up for a while. Babies don't just appear overnight, you know, and MiL, for all her nagging, knows this, too.
After a few years of "We're working on it!", however, MiL will probably start stepping up the nagging. What's wrong that you haven't produced a child yet? Should you see a fertility specialist? You're getting older, you know! Etc., etc..
Again, you and SO smile, giggle, looking knowingly at each other, and say "We're working on it!"
Now. I don't know exactly HOW controlling the potential MiL is, here. We've heard stories on this sub about in-laws who've gone so far as to try to break up marriages because they believed that one of the spouses was infertile, and that's the reason they didn't have grandchildren yet. From your description, I wonder if your SO's mother might fall into that category.
If you believe MiL could potentially cross the line from nagging to manipulating or even forcing, you and SO need to sit down NOW have a long talk about drawing firm boundaries with her. In which case, I urge you and SO to read the book Stop Walking On Eggshells. The book deals specifically with dealing with people who have BPD, but sounds like it might be useful for your situation.
The word "borderline" means the border between psychosis and neurosis.
The NIMH definition is accurate, but doesn't ELI5 as you're requesting. Based on the book I link to below, and I can tell you also from my first hand experience, that BPD has roots in feeling worthless. Behavior which can be seen as damaging or uncomfortable or abusive, can also be explained as someone with BPD having an overwhelming need to be perceived as having worth. It's not just being "evil" or "manipulative", there's a reason WHY the behavior occurs. The mindset is closer to: "You're wrong, you aren't hurt by me. I can't have hurt you, because if I did then I was wrong, and if I was wrong you won't love me, and if you don't love me I'm worthless and will be abandoned. So I didn't hurt you, you are not hurt, because I can't be revealed to be worthless." Something like that.
I STRONGLY recommend you read the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells", which describes BPD through the lens of the family and friends of those who suffer from it. It makes it much easier to identify, and to understand the difference between "high functioning" and "low functioning" BPD.
Also, it's worth noting that BPD is often diagnosed alongside narcissistic personality disorder, they amplify each other in some ways.
I hope this helps.
Bi-Polar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder? If it is Borderline, please read books SPECIFIC on this, not for Bi-Polar as there are notable differences in how to handle the illness.
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1502724289&sr=1-1&keywords=borderline+personality+disorder
Did her doctor diagnose her? Is she accepting of her mental illness and is she aware and able to work on it? How long have you been married? How old are the kids?
My husband's ex-wife was loosely diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Every time a doctor got enough insight and started to see her lies and manipulation of the story, she'd find a new doctor that would tell her what she wanted to hear, so she never got officially diagnosed. Her BPD causes things to be very black and white. You either agree with her (and she changes her views/opinions very frequently so you must keep up!!) or she cuts you out/off entirely. There is no agree to disagree, no civility or humanity in interactions.
You must get yourself and the kiddos some counseling. If she wants counseling, obviously get her some. But my guess is she has a few moments of clarity here and there, and sees what a monster she can be but for the most part, she villainizes everyone around her and she's convinced she's blameless.
You haven't provided a whole lot of information but if you'd like to add more detail, I'd be more than happy to listen or advise. I also think you should post this on r/Askmen because I have read a lot of stories on there that are similar to this.
Best of Luck with your situation!
Read a book called "Stop walking on eggshells." It's great for dealing with narcissistic, borderline personality disorder people.
My ex is very similar. You need to keep communication to a bare minimum and close-ended. No open ended questions. Yes or No answer questions only.
Do. Not. Give. Her. Power.
Getting a rise out of you is exactly the type of emotional game she likes to play, plain and simple. As much as you want to scream back at her, when she is completely irrational and off the hook, do NOT respond in anything BUT a calm and composed manner. Take it out on the heavy bag later. Do NOT show her ANY emotion. EVER.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to find an energy outlet. I play tennis twice a week and run. I find myself a lot more balanced when I have worked out. Also, live YOUR life. Do not cater to her, do not come running when she needs something. Live your life and get on with it. Yes, you need to deal with this person for quite some time, but it doesn't mean that she has to hold control of your life now that you're divorced.
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
They did a take on it in the 1980's twilight zone movie too. And yes, this "walking on eggshells" you see is well known among families living with a malignant narcissist. It's a great example, if extreme, to relate to the daily stress and terror people (children, wives, husbands) feel EVERY DAY. It's the same dysfunction you can see signs of in the White House (keeping him from negative news, giving him his "quiet time." Etc...)
Edit: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
This applies well to other cluster B types such as NPD.
> but soon it went the way of her repeating all the things I've done wrong and how shitty I treated her.
If you're so shitty why hasn't she left you yet? It's a valid question.
I agree with u/Toodark2read that you need marriage counseling - maybe a different counselor - a neutral 3rd party so your efforts don't keep ending up as a weekly dump session for your wife.
The counselor you are currently seeing may not be a good fit for both of you.
The incident with her smashing the bowl is concerning. You have listened to her and her needs for a couple of weeks now. Why are you not able to share any thoughts without her escalating into violence?
> How can I have a functioning marriage when I'm walking on eggshells not knowing when she'll blow up?
Get yourself a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder regardless of whether she has a Dx for those or not, because the situation is pretty much the same - you're going out of your to avoid upsetting her, and her reaction is not proportional to the actual situation.
Get to therapy by yourself. Get your hands on a book called "stop walking on eggshells"
Don't lose yourself. Don't light yourself on fire to keep him warm. Don't buy into the insanity of his psychosis (whatever that is)
Keep your chin up!
Edited because phone typos while kids jumping on me.
Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder to me.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
By Paul Mason
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572246901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_3B4yCbRTD0CR3
I'm not saying this to diagnose your mom, but rather to direct you to some literature that might get you some support and potentially help you understand some of her behaviors. I'm in a similar situation with my mom, and a counselor at my university recommended the following two volumes (I found them at my library, but ended up buying them since they were so useful to me):
Whatever you decide to do - cut her out of your life, enforce strict boundaries, or simply build a better support network for yourself - I wish you luck. It's not an easy road, but making sense of that kind of behavior helped me cope immensely.
>"walk on eggshells"
You can't know without professional diagnosis, of course, and everyone hates an armchair psychologist.. but you using the words 'walking on eggshells' and your father doing a 180 and taking offense to the smallest things sounds exactly like borderline personality disorder.
But you seem like a well rounded kid (lol as if we can tell from a few paragraphs?), so I wouldn't think you were raised by someone with BPD.
> He bragged about his new love conquest and tried to make me jealous. I asked him questions and acted calmly. I know it really upset him. He wanted to make me cry and hurt. He loved seeing me in pain.
So familiar. It's like they take their moves out of the same playbook.
>I know it's for the best, I'm still trying to accept that none of it was real. I can't view him as a human.
>I don't know how much is the mental illness and how much is actually him.
Such a complicated question! Because it's a question of empathy - whether he is capable of empathy (which, in my mind, is what defines our humanity) and whether he deserves your empathy.
On the first question, I struggled with this for a long time. At times he seemed so sincere with wanting to do right and regretting the pain he caused. Yet he continued to consistently do things that he knew would hurt me, and sometimes he would use my pain to manipulate me. Another theme was that he struggled greatly to pay attention or care when I wanted to talk about anything going on in my life - our deep, "bonding" conversations were nearly always on the topic of his struggles and how he was holding up and where his issues came from. If I tried to talk about similar things with me, he would either try to turn the conversation back to himself, or he would space out so persistently that I eventually would tire of trying to get him to listen.
And of course there's individual variation - a borderline diagnosis makes you neither a good person or a bad person, and some people have a greater natural capacity for empathy than others. But what I found, diving into trying to read about and understand the disorder, is that borderline empathy is there but not accessible to loved ones on a consistent basis. In other words, borderline individuals are so overwhelmed by the fever pitch of their own swirling emotions that they can't stop to think to put themselves in another person's shoes, their focus is too consumed by surviving what's going on in their own world. That, plus, they tend to have a relatively low emotional IQ.
But what we're really asking when we ask these questions is, whether it's his "fault", or whether we should forgive or excuse what he did. And that leads to some bigger themes.
A trap that we tend to fall into, those of us who have loved someone with BPD, is to try too hard to understand and relate. We want to identify the pain that is underneath the hurtful behavior, and reach out to that pain in order to access their more "genuine" side. They are, in fact, in a lot of emotional pain, and if we identify too strongly with their pain, we run the risk of putting ourselves back into a vulnerable position.
The bottom line is that they are fundamentally untrustworthy, because their biggest coping mechanism is manipulation. Borderline people have this terrible combination of feeling inherently unlovable and monstrous at their core, while also desiring support and connection to others. This is why they start off so brilliant and wonderful, then slowly morph into this dysfunctional, manipulative, controlling, abusive dynamic - the Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde transformation. Because at first, they are less attached to you so they have less to lose if you leave, also at first you don't know them so well so they are able to keep you from seeing their horrible core. Because of this, their fears of abandonment aren't yet triggered - you are less likely to leave, and they are less likely to care if you do. Both of these dynamics slowly shift during the course of the relationship - they get more attached and you become more likely to leave the closer you get to discovering their true "unlovable" inner self. As they feel this happening, their fears of abandonment take over, they feel like they are just waiting to be emotionally devastated. They feel that they can't just simply trust you to stay and to love them and to be loyal simply because you want to, because they are sure nobody would stay with them. So, they resort to manipulative controlling behaviors in order to make sure that they are controlling you and the dynamics of the relationship at all times - this soothes their insecurities by making them feel that they control how the relationship is going and whether it ends. This is why they can't tolerate it when they lose control of you - loss of control means that their fears of abandonment are about to come true.
It's understandable in a way and actually very sad/tragic, but that doesn't change the fact that their method of handling relationships is to cause you pain in order to avoid their own pain. They abuse out of fear of being used/abandoned themselves. And I learned that no amount of dedication and love and loyalty on my part could ever calm his insecurities. Trying to fulfill the needs of a borderline is like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with a water gun - except that the Grand Canyon has a bottom.
The second part of the question - whether he deserves your empathy. Yes and no. For me, it has helped me to begin to understand where he was coming from, and to feel sorry for him rather than to hate him for it. Because the truth is, even though he caused me a great deal of pain, none of that even begins to compare to the level of pain he has always lived with and will continue to live with throughout his life. He is spiraling downward and his future looks very bleak. I feel sorry for him.
What you want to be careful of, is allowing feelings of empathy for him to turn into feeling like you can "reach" him with your empathy and "maybe if we'd just tried harder or if I'd had this breakthrough in time, maybe we could have saved the relationship!" No. You couldn't have. And he can't be reached.
The liberation of realizing that there is a name for what happened - borderline personality disorder - and that everything that happened actually makes a certain kind of perverse sense when viewed through that lens - it liberated me from the confusion of wondering what I did wrong and where I failed. I finally understood that there was truly nothing else that I could have done, and that strangely enough, none of it was ever personal. He didn't reject me, because he wasn't reacting to me, he was reacting to his own inner torment.
The thing with someone with a personality disorder is, they are just not like you. Their approach to the world and the way they relate to themselves and everyone around them, is fundamentally different from you and me, in ways that we will never be able to fully comprehend. My downfall was that I was constantly trying to ascribe my own feelings and motivations to his behavior. I would look at the way he acted, and ask myself "What would I be feeling if I acted that way?" Then I would try to speak to the pain that I thought was underneath the chaotic behavior, to try to "reach" him. It will never work, because his feelings underneath it are nothing like mine. He is nothing like me. He is fundamentally wired in ways that are completely different from me. To me, that is the significance of knowing what his disorder is - it saved me from trying to find a solution to something that just "is", and it released me from doubting myself or what was wrong with me when I consistently failed.
I have two final suggestions for you. First is - a book! An amazing, wonderful, healing, profound, transformative book. Stop Walking on Eggshells, by Randi Kreger and Paul Mason. I went to see a therapist while this was going on, and only discovered this book after the fact, but the advice and information contained in this book basically summarizes everything that my therapist guided me to do - and then some. It may be beside the point by now that it is over for you, but if you want to understand more of the legacy of chaos that this experience left you, there will be so many "lightbulb" moments as you read this book.
The second suggestion is therapy. I am still seeing my therapist to help me put my life back together and to develop healthy patterns/outlooks so that nothing like this ever happens again. She's been so wonderful. Borderlines strip you of confidence and leave you a shell of a person, I don't think anyone could come through a marriage to one without having some things to process in therapy.
Ugh. He sounds like a nightmare to deal with.
u/aradthrowawayacct made a suggestion in another thread that I think might be useful for you.
> Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
> Skip over the personality disorder mention in the title if it doesn't apply, regardless of anyone's actual diagnosis, it's a great book on advocating for yourself in an intimate relationship with a difficult or high conflict personality.
You really need to disentangle yourself from his mess of emotions and make sure you can take care of your needs at home (and elsewhere lol).
I don’t judge your history btw. Life is difficult to navigate and it isn’t black and white - we all have our challenges that we need to face in order to get through it relatively unscathed. 😀
I dated this guy, too. Or his astral twin or something.
It's called Borderline Personality Disorder. Everything is black or white. The one they love is an angel sent from heaven. And then, out of the blue, for no reason whatsoever, the one they love is suddenly a demon sent straight from hell. I'm glad you got away. Never engage him again.
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
I'm engaged to a woman with BPD, so I know where you're coming from. If she's looking for ways to treat it, definitely DBT is a great option that will help her learn to regulate her emotions. There are also other clinically-validated treatment options, including Mindfulness-Based Therapy, Schema Therapy, Mentalization-Based Therapy, and Transferance-Based Therapy.
As for your end, a little bit of reading up can be invaluable. I would start by reading When Hope is Not Enough, then check out Stop Walking on Eggshells and Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder. All three are geared toward family/friends of people with BPD, and will give you great advice on:
It takes a long time to figure that out, and I've only just started. I don't know if you've done any research or therapy to really process your part in the relationship (not that you're to blame, far from it). For most of us who are nonBPD in these situations, often we fall into Codependent or Caretaker categories.
Stop Walking on Eggshells
I Hate You Don't Leave Me
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist
For me, I particularly connected with the Stop Caretaking book - I researched codependency and talked to my therapist about it, but it didn't really fit. But the Caretaker traits are my behaviors and reactions to the letter. What I really appreciated about that book was the context was basically "Don't try to figure out or fix the BPD behaviors. Instead, here are concrete examples of what to do for yourself and your sanity."
I'm on my way out (divorce from a 12 year marriage), so I'm one of the biased ones who don't think a BPD relationship is sustainable. But even if you make the choice to stay, there are tools to help you survive.
This sounds more like borderline personality disorder or severe bipolar disorder, though I'm not a mental health professional. There's a great book called Stop Walking on Eggshells that might be worth checking out. That link is to a blog that talks about the book, but it's also available on Amazon.
Even if you can't get help for your mom, you can get help for yourself in dealing with her. If it's an option, I'd highly recommend seeking out therapy to help you learn to cope with your interactions with her. Is moving out and living with another family member like a grandparent or aunt/uncle an option?
The moment you said 'walking on eggshells', I knew how the rest of your story was going to play out. I was in a similar relationship for four years, which was about four years longer than I should have been in it.
There's a very good chance that your ex sufferers from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I'd bet money on the fact that she had a narcissistic parent. The definitive book about dealing with people who suffer from BPD is actually called ['Stop Walking on Eggshells'] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572246901/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1521781990&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=stop+walking+on+eggshells) . I can't recommend it enough. Reading it was like reading a transcription of my daily life, as accurately as if someone had been following me around with a notepad and tape recorder.
Glad you're out of it, man. Hope you're doing better and learned a lot of valuable lessons about what you need and (just as importantly) what you deserve in a relationship.
Pa, psihicki problemi i poremecaji licnosti podrazumevaju iskrivljenu sliku o realnosti, ponekad i odvojenost od realnosti, kad su psihoze u pitanju. Ako bi ga odveo na lecenje od alkoholizma, sigurno ga ne bi proglasili za normalnog, zato sto se radi o strucnim ljudima koji znaju kako se alkoholicari ponasaju, a to sta on radi je uobicajeno ponasanje.
> Sa advokatima se ne bih zamajavao, jer mene imovina i kuca u kojoj zivimo, uopste ne interesuju (iako sam podstanar), s obzirom da me sve vise negativnih osecanja veze za to.
To svakako razumem, medjutim, cinjenica je da si ti naslednik te imovine i da te zbog ocevog ponasanja u buducnosti mogu sacekati problemi. Razmotri kako da se zastitis na vreme, pre nego sto te neki pravni problem bude sprecio da zapocnes svoj biznis ili tako nesto, jeftinije je tako i novcano i zivcano...
> I dalje ne shvatam zasto uopste i najmanje razmisljam o tome kako ce ziveti bez nas, jer znam da nece moci. Tacnije, majku bih odveo i ne bih joj ikada predlozio da se vrati, ali zato za sebe osecam da bih imao potrebu da ga obidjem makar jednom mesecno, iako bi to bila jako teska i mucna poseta, jer znam da bi mi nabijao na nos sve negativne stvari, jer to i sada radi kad dodjem vikendom. Bukvalno kako izadjem iz autobusa, pocne da mi prica sve negativne stvari koje su se desile.
Ti si obican covek, ispod te ljudskosti si jos obicnija zivotinja koja ima instinkte i jedan od bitnijih je instinkt za prezivljavanje. Nije uopste cudno sto ne razmisljas o njegovoj dobrobiti, zato sto si kao zivo bice, sisar, kicmenjak i covek uslovljen da sebe stavis na prvo mesto. Majku svakako odvedi ukoliko hoce da ide. Sto se poseta tice... Sta ti kazem, samo u dozi u kojoj mozes da podneses. Ne bi bilo lose da imas neki dil sa komsijama da te oni cimnu ako matori krene da pravi neko preveliko sranje i tako to.
Sto se tice same komunikacije sa njim. Izbegavaj da igras igru svadje. Ako krene da sere nesto, okreni se i idi i obavesti ga da to neces da trpis, pa nek on bira kako ce da se ponasa.
A taj osecaj kad izadjes iz busa, znam to, nisam imao alkosa u porodici, ali sam imao adekvatnu zamenu. Nije se nista sredilo dok nisam uzeo "loptu" u svoje ruke i uredio te stvari tako da meni odgovaraju, a nakon inicjalnog skripanja, skontali su i moji da je tako zivot jednostavniji.
Vidim da ti je neko vec predlozio terapiju kao opciju, da, bilo bi pametno de te pare koje bi njemu dao, potrosis na to da malo uredis sopstvenu glavu.
Takodje, kao i proslom liku koji je izneo ovakvu pricu (maltene u potpunosti identicnu, osim ako nisi to ti kojim slucajem), potrazi ove knjige, namenjene su pre svega tebi:
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woititz/dp/1558741127
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
Jeste da ti je cale alkos, ali ima dosta saveta u ovoj drugoj knjizi koji su generalno primenjivi...
Unbelievable. What a child. My NMom also sometimes acts like my dad giving me fatherly love & attention is like some kind of threat/competition to her.
Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells? http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
Your story sounds like a story right out of the book. Something like 30% of borderline personality disordered people are narcissists too. I've been figuring out a lot about my NMom by learning about BPD.
It is the book by Randi Kreger
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1526999491&sr=1-1&keywords=stop+walking+on+eggshells+randi+kreger
This is her website:
https://www.bpdcentral.com/about/
I am no psychologist but this really sounds like BPD. DH should read I hate you - Don't leave me to better understand his mother. I would also recommend Stop Walking on Eggshells. I hope he really does realize just how much better his life will be without his mother in it (I'm sure you'll point it out from time to time). Here's hoping the NC is extended indefinitely! :)
If success is having a normal relationship with someone with BPD then, from personal experience, I don’t think that’s possible.
However we can but try.
There is so much advice and there are so many tips and nuggets of information in this subreddit but if you want a structured tone to dip into I really found this one useful:
“Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder” is a good book. https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
The best tips for making the most of a life sentence with a BPD are 1) leave and 2) try to leave and 3) if it’s not convenient right now then plan to leave
Sorry this isn’t glowingly positive but I’ve been abused for too long to have anything but a dim view of people with PDs. It’s not their fault but it’s most definitely not mine either.
> Has anyone wrote an email or letter to his/her SO (ex or not) AND SENT IT, and gotten a positive result from it?
Yes. But not in the way you'd expect. I've gotten a response where she wrote down a lot of paranoid accusations after I emailed her a well thought out explanation of the multiple reasons (with documented historical incidents for each reason) we can't be together.
Among other things she accused me of planning to murder her and being a Moriarty-level criminal mastermind. LOL.
Very delusional and paranoid "fantasies".
That email reply from her is an exhibit in divorce court in the child custody case.
So yes, you could say it had an unanticipated positive effect in cutting a potentially long, drawn out process of proving that she's got mental health issues and is not a fit parent.
TLDR: Email response from STBX extremely useful in showing divorce court that she's paranoid and delusional, cutting to the chase in my custody fight.
Other than what I've written above, nothing good can come from emailing your undiagnosed BPD ex.
Also whatever you do, do not admit any fault in writing for anything you did or did not do OK?
She will use that in court against you in the child custody case.
One other thing, just FYI. There is no hope in having an amicable divorce with your BPD ex. It will be pure hell (* I'm you, only 6 months into the divorce process, divorce will take at least 1 year if not 2 or 3)
I recommend getting and reading this book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder in addition to Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
The MRP advice on this issue is misguided. What you are describing are the actions of a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or BPD traits. Before anything you should probably take look at /r/BPDlovedones.
Her behavior is not your fault and you aren't the only one that experiences the raging, manipulation, and blaming. There are many people like us.
This book might also be helpful.
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
This book will definitely help - you. For her, she needs to engage in DBT which she can start doing online.
http://i.imgur.com/8pISpaI.jpg
This seems so simple, but everytime I feel myself getting frustrated or angry, I read every line out loud. (I'm also borderline)
Good luck :)
This book is often reccomended http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=asc_df_1572246901/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312142103956&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4197747376526405133&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9013302&hvtargid=pla-433059258122&psc=1 This book is worth every penny
I bought Stop Walking on Eggshells during my recovery process. It was a huge eye opener. So i took a highlighter and highlighted everything that applied from what i experienced. I had suspected some things, but i didnt experience or witness, so i didnt highlight those.
Non the less, a large portion of that book was highlighted.
We were a few months NC after the breakuo. When we met again, i mentioned i read about BPD and that i was apart of an online BPD community. It helped me understand.
She was completely against the label and idea of a PD, but was completely receptive to the individual symptoms.
So apart of my recovery, focusing on the individual symptoms helped me out, rather than generalizing BPD.
Edit: i forgot, i gave her the book. She asked what it meant and i told her its what i used to make sense of our relationship. The only specific thing she asked me about was if i really felt she had control issues.
This is a book that is for people whose loved one has BPD. My psychologist highly recommended that I give it to people in my life:
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Bor... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572246901/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_hFuCyb4XNAAXB
I bought it for my best friend (I have BPD and we live together) and it has helped her a lot. It should help, regardless of if you still support her or not. The book will help you understand how to recover from what you experienced.
Hope this helps!
This ended up kinda long...I believe I could have made the same progress myself without having to have a relationship talk where I threatened divorce.
This was a couple years ago so the exact details are hazy. I didn't have one talk but multiple times where we talked.
I had read No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer, but didn't know how to apply it very well. I tried and it caused problems. I explained to her I was trying to improve the marriage. But she didn't accept any of it and just got angrier at me. She translated it into me only wanting sex from her.
So I ramped up the effort to spend more time with her and do things. But she it got to where she felt I was smothering her. She started to hang out with a guy from work. Everything I tried just made things seem worse and she didn't believe me because I was changing my behavior and struggling to be consistent.
This was when I told her that I had been miserable for a very long time in our marriage. She acted completely surprised.
I got into the Talk About Marriage forums and took their advice about her doing girls nights out and hanging out with other men. I told her I didn't like it and things escalated over time to where I said I needed to see a lawyer one night. She flipped out. And I didn't go see a lawyer.
Then we decided to go into marriage counseling. I picked the psychologist near her office.
It was mostly a waste of time. My wife just acted like she was being attacked the whole time and just was defensive about everything. So she quit going and I continued a little more.
Through that was when I discovered BPD, my brother's ex-wife was BPD and my other brother's ex-wife definitely has a severe personality disorder as well. Understanding BPD, I didn't diagnose my wife with it (I am not qualified) but applied the strategies used to deal with BPD when dealing with her from Stop Walking on Eggshells. This works for the most part.
A common trait of BPD is the fear of abandonment and fear of closeness. "I hate you, don't leave me." I decided I was never going to make her feel like I was smothering her deeming that too beta. So I ramped down my affection to try to be just a little less than hers towards me. That pretty much killed all affection between us. Apparently any more than a tiny bit of affection from her is reactionary or based on guilt, so when I quit showing 10 times more than she showed we were just left with that tiny bit.
Anyway, I got off track. I said a bunch of things while in the process of figuring things out for myself. Now whenever she wants to give me a hard time, she'll conveniently remember one of those things I said and go after me with it. My best advice is to really internalize red pill and how it relates to your relationship before saying anything because it will be held against you at a later time.
For OP- Borderline Personality Disorder is more common than you think - look into giving this a read - http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572246901 .
If it rings bells, I'm sorry. You're not a sponge for your mother's problems. She's an effing adult.
BPD sufferers don't really understand boundaries, which is why she's dumping on you.
/Source - shake my family tree, and BPD 'fleas' appear.
I would like to add also, the following link to a review of her books on Amazon done by J. Furr which sums up these books very well.
Quotes:
>Enormous strides been made in understanding BPD since 1998 when "Stop Walking on Eggshells" was published. From a 2009 perspective, we can now recognize that "Stop Walking" is (through no fault of its no-doubt well-intentioned 1998 authors) so deeply flawed that it's dangerous. Today, more accurate, updated, constructive, and practical books written by more intelligent, highly qualified professionals allow the reader to benefit from the insights uncovered by research since "Stop Walking" was written.
>As of the date of this review (June 2009), I recommend the following: Alex Chapman, Ph.D & Kim Gratz, Ph.D., "The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide" (Nov. 2007). The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide. Matthew McKay, Ph.D, Jeffrey Wood, Psy.D. & Jeffrey Brantley, M.D., "Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises" (July 2007). Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, & Distress Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)
>Better stuff might come along after the date of this review, because the latest clinical research shows that Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and the right combination of psychotherapeutic medications are yielding better results for people with BPD and their loved ones than ever before. DBT has proven a breakthrough in coping with BPD, but has been widely available for only a few years. Thus BPD books pre-dating mid-2007 are now at best misleading and potentially dangerous.
>Despite its recent publication and high ratings from a handful of Amazon users, "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells" (2008) is marred by most of the same misinformation and omissions as the 1998 "Stop Walking on Eggshells." The 2008 book is written by Randi Kreger LMSW, one of the authors of the 1998 companion, so it's no coincidence that the new book's title echoes the old one's. This also helps explain why the new book's analysis is so out-dated. Kreger relies on the 1998 books's foundation, but fails to acknowledge that that the foundation has rotted in the intervening decade. For the similar reasons, Kreger's 2002 "Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook," which garners an average 5-star review from 20 Amazon readers as of this date, is full of recipes for eggshell omelettes--that is, dysfunctional relationships. Non-BPD reviewers heap praise on Kregers's work because it helps them not resolve their dysfunctional relationships with BPD loved ones, but extricate themselves from them, and as the book's subtitle indicates "Take...Back" their "Lives" from the BPD people. Some reviewers imply that their relationships ended. The most compassionate reviewers express "pity" for BPD people, but no consciousness of potential ways to overcome both the BPD's and the non-BPD's suffering or the dysfunction in their relationship.
>None of Kreger's three books are about resolving problems. They're about helping the non-BPD reader gain distance from the problem--the person with BPD. Don't learn to walk. "Stop Walking."
All bold, italics mine added.
http://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1347042221&sr=8-1
This book helped my family a lot, and my SO. At the same time, reading it from a perspective of someone with BPD, what the book tells you to do is SCARY as fuck to someone over-attached. I don't know if it's what you're looking for, but the general idea is to set boundaries and to stick to them. Which, is also very painful for the borderline involved. Regardless, there is no way NOT to hurt someone with BPD (honestly, being to nice can hurt too) so think more of yourself, catering to the "BPD crazy" feeds it and makes it worse. Good luck, its a hard road and cheers for you for trying to stick with her!
r/raisedbynarcissists is an extremely resourceful subreddit.
ETA: Perhaps this book might help too? It was recently recommended to me by my therapist. https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
Yes. And I blamed alcoholism when it was other things. Here's how I got out of it - 4 books:
It doesn't all fit neatly into one package, but I found glimpses of his behavior in all of these, and to see the strategy behind all of his toxic and abusive behavior was lifesaving.
Mine even bought this book, and when we would argue he would pull it out and take notes in it. I told my therapist about it and she said I was the furthest thing from BPD, but that she suspected he also had it in addition to his NPD. I remember reading the characteristics of BPD and I looked at him and said "This doesn't sound like ME, it sounds like YOU! It sounds exactly like YOU!" He was so pissed off, LOL. What a clusterfuck of a person he was.
Read Stop Walking on Eggshells. Even if they aren't diagnosed as BPD under the DSM, it's still helpful if their behaviours share a similarity with BPD. I had just finished it myself, and really wish I read it while with my ex, but it really crystalised a lot of my own reactions and actions, helpful and not so helpful, when in the midst of their BPD behaviours.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
" walking on eggshells " is a common description of being around people with personality disorders.
I am going to do something I very rarely do... recommend a book
Before you make a decision, you need to be informed.
I'm going to recommend something that will seem out of left field that I've recommended before to someone here who was in a situation similar to yours. A lot of sexual abuse survivors wind up with borderline personality disorder due to their experiences. There's an excellent book for people in relationships with borderline personality disorder sufferers. Part of it deals specifically with the issues you are likely dealing with. It's full of practical advice and tips. This isn't to say that your partner has borderline personality disorder, of course. Take what's useful and relevant for you, and disregard the rest. The book is called Stop Walking on Eggshells by Mason & Kreger. https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
Nope.
You best get this book:
https://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
EDIT: I'm aware that borderline personality disorder =/= bipolar
Welcome! I'm so glad you found us! And that book!kitten is sooo cute! 😽
I found Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson really, really helpful. And you might find Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger useful as well.
Welcome home!
hugs
Based on your previous post, I sort of suspected that your MIL has borderline personality disorder. These stories fit the pattern perfectly. I’m not a mental health professional, but I grew up with a parent with BPD and have been working through this for years (usually with the help of a therapist).
If I’m correct, this is not about who is the asshole and who isn’t — it’s a mental illness. Take a look at this book, and if it rings true to you at all, give it to your husband: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572246901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_.cSSDbZRKHN12
First. Get him to read this book: Stop Walking on Eggshells. It helps to understand what's going on with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder. Once he's read the book, the next step is to help him understand that without long term, intensive therapy and a willingness to change, she's never going to change. She's going to be the victim 100% of the time, and nothing is ever her fault. If you also have a moment, look at some of the resources in the sidebar of r/BPDlovedones. The sub is a little more relationship focused than family focused, but there's some solid resources there.
Best of luck
Some people will tell you to run away and end your relationship with this person. You need to be prepared for this possibly being your only solution. But if you really love this person and want to put the effort in, the only way things will ever get any better is if she is properly diagnosed and receiving ongoing treatment/therapy. Her knowing that she has this disorder and being willing to work on it is the only thing that will ever make things better for the relationships in her life. For starters you should read the main book on being in a relationship with someone who has BPD: Stop Walking On Eggshells, and you should get some therapy youself with someone who understands the disorder and the toll it takes on loved ones. Both of you understanding the disorder and being willing to work on it is the only thing that will make life with a BPD person tolerable, in my opinion. It won't be easy and there is no cure. So be prepared for difficult times. In the end, sadly, you may find that you can't be happy with this person in your life. But I wish you both well and whatever happens, please remember that you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of another person. It's great that you want to help her and to be with her, but fixing her is not your job. She has to take that on herself. If she's not willing to do that, you will have a much more difficult and painful life with her.
Check out this book...Check this out at Amazon.com
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572246901/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_0ZW0Db1BAD1XE
Oh dear...
Well at least you now have a powerful object lesson as to why dating co-workers is not good practice. I have a terrible feeling you might want to look into getting a new place of employment. BPDs are skilled in recruiting protectors, and when she starts getting the wind up her she'll start a smear campaign to turn your colleagues against you.
The best defence you can have is educate yourself on the disorder, learn to predict her, learn how to avoid triggering rage and vindictive behaviour. Read the links in the sidebar to start.
There are some useful books available, including "Stop Walking on Eggshells"
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
Once you've educated yourself a bit. it may be worth pre-emptively discussing BPD with colleagues, don't mention she is BPD, make it impersonal. Just bring the disorder up as an interesting topic of conversation you've been reading about (and it is interesting, at least I find it to be, so should generate interesting conversations), educate them before she starts smearing you. Give them the tools to recognise she is BPD for themselves so they're less likely to be recruited to her side when she starts a war against you.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572246901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_FzE3Cb461HRHW
Great book to read. I bought this book before knowing anything about BPD. Because this is exactly something i said to my ex, "i'm always walking on eggshells."
This book put a lot of other things into perspective too.
My boyfriend and I have gotten some good insight from this book: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572246901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_lLo2CbSFXFA06
It has a lot of relatable examples (with easy to understand explanations), talks about dealing with your own emotions while interacting with someone who has bpd, ways to diffuse bpd reactions, etc.
I'm usually a lurker here but I keep wanting to recommend this to everyone because it's helped us more than therapy. We read it together and pause and discuss each chapter to figure out which parts are applicable/which suggestions are helpful, but that may or may not be a good idea depending on how comfortable you both are talking about bpd.
Yes there is hope if he gets enough therapy. Its took me many years to "see the light". I suggest you send him written material as many therapists only use limited techniques eg Acceptance & Commitment therapy just getsyou to accept bad situations but does not give insight in how to deal with PD relatives.
So you have to "walk of eggshells" & hide information from her to stop the tantrums? Try this book.
Therapy and support groups are your friend.
Take a look at Stop Walking on Eggshells and Nami's page on BPD for ideas. Most importantly, make sure you are taking care of your needs too.
Stop Walking on Eggshells is a good book for people trapped in a relationship with a BPD.
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
I think what your therapist is recommending is that you read books and other resources about the two conditions to help you understand how to not enable her behavior and also to help you heal from her abuse.
And you are right, it isn't the same as a diagnosis. But ultimately, your response will be very similar with or without a diagnosis. My jusno's do not have any formal diagnoses that I know of. Originally, I thought that they might be this or that, and it felt like I needed to know. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I would never know, and furthermore my course of action wouldn't change even if I did know. Which means, for me, the precise condition is ultimately irrelevant. You will have to determine relevancy yourself. Your therapist has given you a generalized area to research that will hopefully help you to find the right path forward for you. I personally would also look at books on narcissism - not because I think your therapist is wrong, but rather because the conditions are similar enough that the books are helpful. Sometimes this is more about finding an author who speaks your language than it is about the precise condition.
Please take the time to understand the differences between Bi-Polar and Borderline Personality. My understanding is that they are pretty different in terms of their source, presentation and how to treat them. I have done way more research on personality disorders than Bi-polar.
Book options (based on your therapist suggestion) to help you on your way:
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=borderline&qid=1568749104&s=gateway&sr=8-5 - have read this one - it is good
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=borderline&qid=1568748960&s=gateway&sr=8-2 - have heard good things about this one, no personal experience.
https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319/ref=pd_sbs_14_19?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0765703319&pd_rd_r=1df02639-93bb-4407-a19e-09f71cb173bc&pd_rd_w=8tGI6&pd_rd_wg=FsKic&pf_rd_p=d66372fe-68a6-48a3-90ec-41d7f64212be&pf_rd_r=7J859K8ZGXEKBHVS3EW5&psc=1&refRID=7J859K8ZGXEKBHVS3EW5 - have also heard good things about this one.
Wow, yes, it's all so familiar. You're not crazy, believe me. Been there, done that.
I really like these books:
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
http://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1463702623&sr=1-1&keywords=understanding+the+borderline+mother
And the website http://bpdcentral.com/ is a great resource.
Thanks for sharing, and be good to yourself!
Consider reading this:Stop Walking on Eggshells. Without doing the armchair/internet diagnosis, I think this book is incredibly helpful for those dealing with a person close to them with a range of personality disorders, not just BPD.
Therapy is gonna be key in helping you. I couldn't afford therapy when I got out of my first abusive relationship, and ended up getting free therapy through a women's shelter in my area. If you ask around, you may have some luck. A lot of those resources don't have a statute of limitations from when you left.
Finally: it can get better. I really recommend you get together some funds for just a single touch base with a therapist. (they can be instrumental in directing you to where you need to go).
I know this dynamic. Very frustrating indeed. Stop Walking on Eggshells helped me very much in understanding how to tackle this. It came too late for me, but I hope it can help you.
Dude your identity has been eroded please DONT TAKE HER BACK AGAIN else it will turn out to be the biggest mistake of your life.
If you have not realized its the same cycle every time, Idealize, Devalue and Discard.
First she will idealize you, that you're the best then slowly the phase of devaluing will come with lots of insults everything is your mistake apologize etc. then she will discard you in a blink of an eye.
​
Your ex falls into one of the Cluster B personality disorder people from the description I feels she Has BPD.
your healing will take time dm me if want someone to talk.
​
check these books soon you will able to connect all the dots.
https://www.amazon.com/Psychopath-Free-Expanded-Emotionally-Relationships/dp/0425279995
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?crid=18DNEAFLUU6T5&keywords=stop+walking+on+eggshells&qid=1562952682&s=books&sprefix=stop+walking%2Cstripbooks-intl-ship%2C379&sr=1-1
> du wirst trotzdem im Gefängnis landen.
Nö, warum? Warum sollte ich freiwillig ins Gefängnis gehen? Wär ich doch schön blöd, oder?
Kein einziges Gesetz funktioniert, wenn nicht irgendwo am Ende der Eskalationskette ein Polizist mit einer Pistole steht.
> "ich kann mich nicht mal ordentlich in den Medien ausdrücken, weil da schreit gleich jeder ich bin ein Nazi"
Wer das sagt ist Cuckservative und sollte noch ein paar rote Pillen schlucken.
> Empfindung
Ja und?
Hier, lies das:
https://www.amazon.de/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/
und hör auf, aus den psychischen Problemen einiger Leute Gesetze machen zu wollen.
> Einschränkung auf die Redefreiheit [...] zugleich [...] Erlaubnis zur Redefreiheit
Merkst du was?
Also was he literally yelling at you? Like raising his voice? I know some times people say yelling when they mean the person was just being a jerk.
But either way that's abusive.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572246901/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1504389244&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=stop+walking+on+eggshells&dpPl=1&dpID=419gffQNpnL&ref=plSrch
stop walking on eggshells.
Here is the mobile version of your link
As soon as you said "walking on eggshells" made me think of the book about borderline.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572246901?pc_redir=1407856972&robot_redir=1
I'm very happy that you took something useful from what I said, and I'm glad to have helped in any way. You're a good person and deserve to be happy, and you're a strong and self-aware person who is capable of making the changes you need to. I believe in you.
I have heard tales of the problems with religious therapists in the states, and I sympathize. If you have extra cash floating around, there's a therapist up here in Canuckistan that, as far as I know, is willing to take international clients via Skype. If you don't have extra cash I might recommend the books Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and (depending on how severe the behavior of relatives are) Stop Walking on Eggshells, both of which talk about how to recognize and establish boundaries amidst a whole bunch of other work on learning healthy relationship habits and coping mechanisms, self-parenting, etc. Cheaper than therapy and almost as good.
I am glad you found what I had to say so valuable, and I hope it continues to be helpful to you.
> The fact that Carlisle was afraid to simply tell him that he had to get treatment and rest indicates just how much the organization is walking on eggshells around Monta.
Carlisle and the organization seem to be "walking on eggshells" around Monta... is MacMahon implying that there is reason to believe he suffers from BPD?
Reminds me of borderline personality disorder. If you can find a book called "walking on eggshells," and someone who specialises in DBT (dialectic behavior therapy), you might find some insight/relief. Relevant reddit sub is over here.
This book literally changed my life. It's focused on borderline personality disorder (BPD) and there are differences, but many more similarities than not. It's believed BPD and NPD (and antisocial personality disorder/ASD) may be on a continuum, as there is so much overlap in
signs/symptomstraits, they're often considered on the same spectrum.Much of the writing by Randi Krueger brought me great comfort. If you go to her website it is host to a variety of support groups (they're yahoo groups, so not incredibly convenient, but very popular and active-members have been through it all, and many are veterans who have been in the group 5-10 years who stick around just to support newcomers and give advise) for anyone with any kind of relationship with a BPD - general, coparenting, children of, parents of, staying, divorcing, women only, etc. I've been a member there for years as my soon to be ex husband has BPD/NPD, but I don't participate much because the yahoo groups emails get kind of spammy and threads are hard to navigate, but it's another great resource. If you're looking for validation for your feelings, or any kind of support, that's definitely a great place.
These two resources were invaluable for me in helping me understand my situation and if/how I could change it. It took me years and lots of therapy, but I'm getting there. Best of luck!
I've heard good things about the book Stop Walking On Eggshells though I can't vouch for it personally.
I've been thinking of doing something myself. One of the biggest issues seems not to be that people have this, but that others have almost no idea what's going on. Would be great to see more resources
This story sounds like my parents growing up and it makes me sick. My mom is pretty much a textbook BPD. No, she hasn’t been formally diagnosed herself (and she never will because it’s “everyone else”) but my therapist has told me that he’s 99% positive she is BPD.
My mom hit my dad on several different occasions, although my sister and I never saw it, thank God. Mom’s reasonings were always something she’d conjured up in her head with the variable being degrees of hallucination. Just like your wife, you never ever knew what was going to set her off. Something that was funny one day would be fighting words the next.
Mom & Dad went to marriage counseling because Mom decided that Dad cheated on her with his secretary. Yes, I said “decided”. I don’t even know how many marriage counselors they went through, because Mom got livid at every single one because they said that she had things she needed to work on, when in her mind it was, of course, 100% Dad.
This shit will not stop unless some DRASTIC changes are made on both your parts. As far as your part, there need to be fierce, clear boundaries set and you have to stick with them NO. MATTER. WHAT. You absolutely need to go to see a therapist (alone). My therapist helped me deal with my mom so much more than I could’ve ever done on my own.
I commend you for staying with her for your son. That is a really shitty position you’re in. My dad also stayed with my mom for farrrrrrrrr too long. I always thought it was because he was weak (of course, Mom had already brainwashed that into my head about him anyway) but later on in life he said that he stayed for me and my sister. I said I still didn’t understand why, and he said he didn’t want to leave us alone with a crazy person. Now that I have a daughter of my own, I 100% understand and I can’t imagine being in that situation myself.
I am so sincerely sorry that this happened to you. It sounds like you’re a really really nice guy and a good person like my dad was, and I hate it that you’ve been burdened with this endless cycle of abuse. I’m familiar with it because I know that this physical abuse is probably the least amount of damage she’s ever done when compared to the emotional, verbal, and mental damage she’s inflicted. It’s called “death by a thousand paper cuts”.
There’s a really good book called Stop Walking on Eggshells that I highly recommend.
I wish you the very best in everything and I’m praying for you. You are NOT the one to blame here and you did NOTHING wrong. Even if you did happen to do something wrong, her behavior is NOT okay.
Please feel free to send me a PM if you’d like to talk or vent more about it.
First off, welcome. I'm sorry about the circumstances that have brought you here but i'm happy you found us, all the same. A book a few us have found helpful is Stop Walking On Eggshells. What i found most useful in that book was its discussion on establishing boundaries. You can't control your mum's behavior but i think the book gave me the tools i needed to really establish some boundaries with my mum.
No need to apologize for the length of your story. In a purely selfish sense, the more details i read the better i get at identifying these tactics when my family tries to use them on me. The more familiar something becomes the easier it gets to spot.
From what i have found from my mum is that if she has to follow boundaries like "no lying" and "no ad hominem attacks" she prefers to just not talk. We communicate in questions that have very specific answers now. She'll gladly talk about anything that doesn't involve her being held to the standards of a decent and caring human. If she mentions "working on our relationship" i just remind her we agreed involving a third party like a counselor or therapist would be best and i am awaiting her cooperation in that. Then i get a bunch of contradictory stories and excuses for not doing that.
The hilarious thing is she will occasionally forget and come to me for her Nsupply. Whenever she gets in trouble at work (she's a nurse) she has to validate her "i'm a victim and they're all out to get me!" point of view. The rules she breaks are so obvious even an uneducated layperson like myself knows she's in the wrong. Halfway through her story you can tell her what she got in trouble for and she's always surprised how you figured it out. Setting boundaries has been a good first step. It's only been about 4-5 months since we did that but it seems like she is adjusting to it. It's still a work in progress. I actually recorded the conversation and go over every once and again to remind myself of the boundaries we agreed to. Also, when she "forgets" the boundary discussion i offer to send her the recording, funny how she suddenly remembers it then...
California Family Law attorney here. I have been summoned.
What /u/hubbyofhoarder said is good advice. Custody evals are expensive and rarely meet the expectations of those involved.
I am not saying that you are wrong, but what makes you think your spouse is a narcissist? You have to be careful of making claims that have no foundation. Has the person been formally diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)? If not, how are you qualified to say so? What I have seen happen is the court cast a leery eye on the party making such a claim.
You have to understand how evidence works. You cannot say, "My spouse is an alcoholic." You cannot say that because you lack the qualifications to do so. You CAN say, however, "My spouse has a habit of coming home late approximately three times a week. On these occasions, I have observed that their speech is slurred, they lack coordination in movement, their eyes are bloodshot, and I have smelled alcohol in their presence. This has been a regular occurrence within the past three years." The judge has the authority, then, to make the deduction that they have a drinking problem based upon your testimony as a percipient witness.
So, too, with mental issues. What behavior have you observed that would make someone deduce that your spouse has a psychological disorder, be it NPD or otherwise? Give that some thought before asking for a custody eval and how it affected the children, because absent such evidence, you can wind up spending $5k easily and for nothing.
Now on to the evaluator . . .
The evaluator - the shorthand slang is "the 730" since his/her report comes in under Evidence Code 730 - is the Court's witness. That being said, the judge prefers that the parties meet and confer to choose one, so as to avoid any impression that the judge is biased towards one evaluator over the other. Most of the time, that happens. If the parties are at an absolute stalemate, the court may ask them to submit three choices and one will be picked from there.
Have you talked to your attorney about those 730s in the area that they think are good? I will assume you are represented since if you're going into a custody fight that may involve a 730 as a pro per (self-represented), you may wind up having a fool for a client.
And let me recommend a book: http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
Sure. I got Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder and Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem. Both books reference each other and tie together well, although they're by different authors.
I'm glad I was able to help in some way... check this book out: http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=dp_ob_title_bk
I highly recommend the book Stop Walking on Eggshells for a more in-depth understanding of Borderline Personality Disorder. My dad was possibly BPD, but went undiagnosed. This book really helped me understand his temper tantrums a lot more.
Like others have said, people with BPD are capable of love, but can also live in a duality between idolizing someone and hating someone. There is another book about BPD called I Hate You Don't Leave Me which discusses that aspect of BPD. Even while someone with BPD is having an episode of "splitting" and says that they hate you in reaction to a small disagreement, they're also deeply afraid of you abandoning them because they do still love you.
However, people with BPD can have very intense and destructive interpersonal relationships, especially with family who are much less likely to abandon them compared to a romantic partner. I have done years of therapy for PTSD from the daily abuse my dad gave me. There are still things I resent about him and the experiences I had growing up, even though he has passed away. Even if your mother loves you, like my father loved me, you still don't deserve to be treated poorly, and you don't have to forgive the past.
The healthiest thing you can do is to establish clear boundaries.
When you're rightfully upset by your mother being cruel to you, don't snap back with "you" statements like "You're so mean, you're a bitch, I can't believe you would treat your daughter this way, nobody likes you when you're like this." (These are hypothetical statements, please don't assume I mean this literally.) When "you" statements are used, they are critical and contemptuous, and usually garner a defensive and more extreme attack in response. You also don't make your feelings known, because they are hidden by insults.
Instead, use "I" statements to talk about your boundaries in first person. "I do not deserve to be yelled at and I need you to stop immediately." Then enforce them with consequences like, "If you continue to yell at me, I will not be coming to visit anymore, because I don't want or deserve to be treated this way." When "I" statements are used, the other person is less likely to feel attacked and criticized, and you make your feelings clearly known to the other person.
I hope that helps. Please continue to work on these emotions with your therapist. I think you're at the beginning of a huge breakthrough.
Might wanna read this book... Stop Walking on Eggshells. Even if BPD isn't applicable it contains things that can probably help.
Check this book out. I tried to make it work, but the rages became too frequent, and they escalated to hitting and breaking things. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, honestly. Being terrified in my own home, and still being in love with the source of your fear is like being trapped in a dream. It seems so absurd, and so irrational, that you think it can't be real. I haven't been the same since.
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
It's a great book. I should also have some resources on my pc, I'm on my phone rn but I'll check when I get home
I'm surprised she was honest and told you. I'm glad you know! Things will make a lot more sense as you learn about it.
These are my recommendations:
Good luck and welcome home! Let me know if you need any advice or anything. I'm here for you as well as everyone else here.
Here's how a psychopathology professor described them to me.
Axis I "disoders" (e.g. Bipolar, depression, anxiety, etc) are mostly ego dystonic. The person knows (in general) what they do is not helpful/healthy, but feels unable to change. They want to change themselves. Axis II "personality disorders" are mostly ego syntonic. The person's life is chaotic, they may have issues w/ anxiety & depression, but they see the problem as the way the world works. The world should change for them. (Schizophrenia and other psychotic illnesses are not always ego dystonic, but they also have impaired reality testing for biological reasons).
For a description of BPD, I've heard the book Stop Walking on Eggshells is helpful.
www.nami.org is also a great resource.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
> He's not even allowed to touch his wife anymore. Not even hold her hand. She can do what she wants, when she wants and if he calls her out; out she moves again.
I wish you could introduce him to me. I stuck it out for 19 years. It did not get better.
Let me think on it. I wonder if you could get him a book like "Stop Walking on Eggshells" ? I've recently realized that book was designed for people that a BPD in their lives but are stuck in caretaker mode and don't want to admit it ...
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
That really sucks about not being "allowed" to see family. My BPD has tried to isolate me from my family and I did not put up with it. That's when this got REALLY bad.
NTA. Forgiveness takes time. The best thing for her to do would have been to apologize for how she treated you, explained her recent diagnosis, and express how she hopes that you could one day forgive her. But it doesn’t sound like she’s far enough along in her treatment to recognize this.
The only way I would ever consider you to be an asshole in this situation would be if you were now going around telling everyone and talking shit. “The crazy bitch really was crazy!” You know? But it really doesn’t sound like that is the kind of person you are.
You were definitely a victim in this and you deserve to be happy. Actions speak louder than words and it’s up to her to try to better herself.
If you ever find yourself in a similar situation I recommend reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. You can’t give into a persons demands just because they have a mental illness. Not only will it encourage their poor behavior, but it’s also not fair to you to feel as though you need to endure the abuse just because they ‘can’t help it.’
I hope she takes her diagnosis seriously and puts in the work needed to live a happy and healthy life. I’m also incredibly happy you are able to see your self worth and walk away from a toxic relationship. You deserve to be happy. Wishing you both the best.
Yeah, this is a really common reaction for people with BPD.
It's even the title of a book that's recommended reading:
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
Your frustration is understandable.
Maybe he has someone in his life who ties him up in knots. Maybe this awesome book could help: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
I'll extol its virtues to anyone who'll listen TBH.
So May is apparently Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month (as well as just general Mental Health Awareness Month). I learned relatively recently that someone close to me has the disorder, so I've been reading up on it, because until now, which surprised me because studies estimate potentially up to 1 in 6 people in the US are affected by it.
So far, I've read I Hate You - Don't Leave Me, and I'm nearly done with Stop Walking on Eggshells. Both have been really helpful, and enlightening, and I recommend them to anyone looking to learn more about BPD.
>He's great when he's not angry.
This, for me, was the saddest line to read. Sorry you're going through this. If you truly believe the marriage is salvageable, therapy is absolutely needed. I know it might be difficult to get him to agree... but in the meantime, I'd highly recommend you read [Stop Walking on Eggshells] (http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901). It's a great resource for first confirming (for yourself) that it is indeed BPD, and then ways to deal with the sufferer to help them, your relationship, and yourself.
Good luck, dear!
Dude...everyone (including Dr. Drew) is scared shitless of Ambien. It's not any other adult's place to corral her like she's some helpless child. She's a violent raging criminal who causes people to [walk on eggshells] (https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901) around her. Rightfully so. Even the law can't force meds on an adult who refuses to take them so I fail to see how this is Maci's fault/responsibility even 0.0001%.
This is the most meaningless, vague statement any PR person has ever released. Maci & Amber are not IRL friends. Amber is a scary bully & nobody wants her wrath. They are co-workers & Maci's probably trying to avoid conflict or bodily harm by staying on her "good" side (whatever that is).
Hey, your mother sounds almost exactly like my stepmother. My stepmother has tried to kill herself over 12 times in the past 4 years, and they were all with her trying to OD on her medication. Now, I'm no psychiatrist here, but your mother sounds like she has BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder.
BPD is a personality disorder that manifests when you are a kid. People with BPD don't understand how to react properly to certain situations so they turn all their feelings in to anger. The one bad thing about BPD is that there is no medical "cure" to it, because it is a peronality disorder and not a mental one. You've probably noticed your mother over the past few years go on little "fits" and storm to her room or act really childish at times. BPD is also most commonly misdiagnosed with bipolar, my stepmother was diagnosed with bipolar for 3 years before they realized she had BPD. BPD Can take a long time to fix, and is a lot of work. So if your family finds out your mother has BPD and they decide to help her, there will be a lot more arguments and fighting. (From my experience only.)
Alight back to my story. 2008 was the first time my stepmother tried to kill herself, she tried to overdose on clonazepam, but we got her to the hospital before she died. She was let out of the hospital 2 weeks later with new medication. Within the next 6-7 months she tried about 5 or 6 more times, each time finding my dads clonazepam. In 2010, we moved into a new apartment building and everything was going good for awhile. For about 3 months she didn't try to commit suicide. However, within a month she tried to overdose on lamotrigine and clonazepam (At this point my dad is hiding his drugs so she can't get them, how she got it I will never know) which is the closest she has ever come to dying. At one point when she was in the hospital she was in critical condition, but she survived.
Anyways the point of my story is that, after that last attempt and proper diagnosis (which only happened after that attempt) she has never tried to do it again. It has been a lot of work to get her to the point that she is now. Also, you need to remember, none of this is your fault. A good book you may want to look up, is a book called walking on eggshells, it explains a lot about BPD and has helped my family a great deal.
I hope this helps at all, best of luck to you and your family!
One of my favorites: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1524603704&sr=8-1&keywords=walking+on+eggshells
It sounds like you found my ex wife. She put a belt around my neck and tried to strangle me.
Also... [Borderline Personality Disorder] (http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901)
Stop Walking on Eggshells, if you count that as self-help.
Also The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
Maybe not exactly what you're looking for, but there absolutely is a book that can help you deal with BPDs.
> Stop Walking on Eggshells has already helped nearly half a million people with friends and family members suffering from BPD understand this destructive disorder, set boundaries, and help their loved ones stop relying on dangerous BPD behaviors. This fully revised edition has been updated with the very latest BPD research and includes coping and communication skills you can use to stabilize your relationship with the BPD sufferer in your life. This compassionate guide will enable you to:
Make sense out of the chaos
Stand up for yourself and assert your needs
Defuse arguments and conflicts
Protect yourself and others from violent behavior
In my experience with my mother, there was just no way to ever "hold them accountable", I.E. prove they did something wrong or harmful. She would either shut down, or more often fly off the handle in rage. But this book promises ways to de-escalate the situation, and I think that's the best you can hope for. My dad's read the book and said it helped him deal with the trauma, and I'm about to start reading it myself.
Link to Amazon here
Sweet moments when she's in the mood? She really sounds borderline, or narcissistic (both in cluster B). If therapy would help you, definitely seek that out. There are also several good books out there that may help you cope as well.
Your MIL sounds a lot like my bipolar/border line mom. Glad its working out for you its a very difficult situation and the behavior is hard to explain to people outside of the situation.
I suggest reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" ( http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901 )
Its a helpful book for dealing with people who have a hard time with respecting appropriate boundaries.
Get this and read it: http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
This sounds painfully familiar.
Have you looked into borderline personality disorder? It is a major cause of emotional abuse and hot-cold relationships like what you're describing here. I've not read it myself (I wish I had, before I threw away five years of my life), but I've heard many, many people recommend the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells".
Oh dear. Very sorry to hear this.
I would echo a need for him to go to therapy as others have stated. I would also echo that HE needs to do this, not you. You might be a catalyst for him addressing it, but he has to step up and stand his ground with his mother.
A few quick things I would share.
Books:
Therapy Concepts (worth reading about a bit)
My Context:
I had to go through this with my mother and it has 99% completely destroyed my relationship with her. We don't communicate anymore and she sold her house and moved across the country away from us. This happened because I stood up for myself, my wife, my new baby...my family. She pushed boundaries and continued to make everything about here, and I wasn't having it. I called her out hard, making the point that my priority is MY family, and I can't tolerate her behaviors effect on my family, and that I needed her to listen and understand my parameters for an ongoing relationship with me as an adult. She failed to understand because she doesn't understand how to have relationships on any kind of mutual terms. She has some combination of narcissism / borderline personality disorder. Rather than try and evolve our relationship to enjoy this new chapter of my being and adult, and now a father, she just pulled up stakes and left as a power play to try and get me to bow down and apologize. All the while, my wife is seen as the villain that caused this.
One could say, this is heartbreaking because I cast my mother aside, and her support and presence in mine and my families life. The way I see it is, my mother raised me to make a happy loving life for myself, and I have pursued, prioritized and protected just that. I'm disappointed that my mother let her own narcissism prevent her from joining me in this chapter of my life, where she could have been a passenger and enjoy the fruits of her having raised me well. At some point, had I not drawn this line in the sand, I would have been failing my mother by not making a life for myself.
It won't get better. The situation will stay the same, and if you get married and have a family, it will just be the same with higher stakes. He needs to outline the new world order in which he has a new family. If she can't get on board with that, then you are better off without her. Being his mother is a reason to support and treat her son well, not a blank check to do whatever she wants to him with infinite forgiveness. That's not being a good mother. Thats having an identity crisis with your son as collateral damage.
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
I would recommend this book. I know it is not a clinical or a professional book but it is good. It is well written and gives insight to how it is to live with somebody with BPD.
It's this one here (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1572246901/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=1944687602&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=157224108X&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=09VN701K07WV9CXM57XE). This is the second edition. :)
Not OP, but Stop Walking on Eggshells is the classic book. Highly recommended.
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
Yes, they won't just remove a child, and will explore every avenue beforehand. They may just ensure she is well supported. If the mother has these traits she is likely to have had a traumatic early childhood, as NPD and BPD are now strongly linked to developmental trauma and emotional neglect. In other words, she needs some strong coaching in parenting. The child's emotional safety should be prioritised. You are obviously a source of support for him. have a look at some useful books, this is the best one: http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
yah, really it sounds like borderline personality disorder. It's different from bi-polar personality disorder. The sooner you understand the disease the sooner you'll be able to help yourself, children, and eventually your wife - if you wish to.
My mom has it, ruined my childhood, turned my dad into a man you don't want to become.
A great introductory guide is Stop Walking on Eggshells I really hope you'll find the time to look it up a bit.
edit: If you can get into couples therapy from an MFT, they'll recognize this condition in about 0.1 seconds. Her diagnosis with a psychological disorder will help you retain custody in a divorce,
As someone with BPD myself, I gotta say kudos for attempting to stick around. Therapy and meds should definitely help and it's pretty brave of you to try to stay. Since you want advice for you, I'd recommend reading some books about BPD. Some good ones are I Hate You, Don't Leave Me and Stop Walking on Eggshells. I really wish you the best of luck but you need to know when enough is enough for you. Your mental health is important, too.
I read these two books:
http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/
They helped me understand the experience, understand the mistakes I made and that I'm not alone.
Talk to your friends. The first thing an abuser does is isolate you. Many of your relationships may not be where you want them to be. But you'd be surprised how strong they actually are. The reason I say this is because abusers have a pattern of going after people that are gentle caring people. And this means you have a strong network of friends. Go to them, and talk to them.
Take care of yourself. Make sure other things in your life are the way they want to be. Are you proud of your physique? Are you happy with where your career is going? Are you happy with your accomplishments? You're free from the overwhelming pain of a person that was emotionally insecure and made themselves feel better by putting you down. You are now free to write your own story without that crippling pain, go and write it.
I recommend you give your husband the books “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_w9yLDbYT1K69C
and Stop Walking on Eggshells
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572246901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_w-yLDbM2PS9HF
Not OP, obviously, but I wanted to share some good books with you that might help.
The Essential Family Guide to BOrderline Personality Disorder
http://www.amazon.com/Essential-Family-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/dp/1592853633
And
Stop Walking On Eggshells
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1572246901/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=1944687682&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1592853633&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0B9Z1FD4N51N5S9K72NC
IDK about therapist and I really don't have any hopes that you can actually fix this. In reality, it's probably just wasting the rest of your youth. But, if you want some help, this book, Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder, is well regarded.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Krieger
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
Congrats, you’re dealing with someone that has borderline disorder. You either stay the f away (which you’ve tried) or read something like “stop walking on eggshells” to learn how to deal with it. They say it’s possible, for me though I’ve gone through many of them (you get hooked somehow and gravitate towards the crazy) and never figured out how to not die in the process.
My five cents, the sex is always amazing, that’s the tool they use (unconsciously) for control. You stop allowing yourself to get suckered in and after awhile keeping the rest of it up get old fast!
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
edit: added link to referenced book
Oh no wonder! Check this book out if you haven't already:
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=stop+walking+on+eggshells&qid=1556838084&s=gateway&sr=8-1
Stop Walking on Eggshells has some useful tactics in dealing with difficult people.
I highly suggest this book for you :
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=stop+walking+on+eggshells&qid=1567698819&s=gateway&sprefix=Stop+walking&sr=8-1
There are two books I highly recommend you (and your parents) read:
I haven't read Randi Kreger's book The Essential Family Guide to BPD, but I imagine this might even be more appropriate for you/your family given this is your sister. Randi is one of the leading authorities on the subject.
Good luck, I'm sorry to read that you and your family are going through such a rough time.
Have you heard of Stop Walking on Eggshells? Its a good starter book to help understand BPD.
Youre in the place to vent and learn hugs
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
There's a great book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder" :
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
Amazon reviews : https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901#customerReviews
Okay, so this is harder than I thought because I've not read any NParent-specific books. The best book I ever read was "Splitting," which is a guide to divorce from an NPD/BPD. Incredibly helpful; it explained WHY the N acted the way they do as well as the behavior to use to combat it.
It's by two authors: one focuses on legal/business fights with NPDs (not helpful) and the other is an expert on BPD. Even though this book is for BPD, I wonder if it would help, since many of the coping mechanisms are similar. https://smile.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=pd_sbs_14_11?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1572246901&pd_rd_r=80QY46RJJB9ZJ5D2XAWS&pd_rd_w=5JbfC&pd_rd_wg=LtdmZ&psc=1&refRID=80QY46RJJB9ZJ5D2XAWS
shot in the dark but http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1408727166&sr=1-1&keywords=walking+on+eggshells
Have a look at:
http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=ox_sc_act_title_1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER
http://www.amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity/dp/1514683814?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=ox_sc_act_title_2&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER
I've never read either of these, I just stumbled across them the other day. I wish had thought about (or knew to look for) such information when I needed it.
I have read:
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1463149523&sr=1-1&keywords=stop+walking+on+eggshells
This offers a lot of insight to understanding a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, but doesn't offer any advice about leaving one.
My ex made my life hell, and that actually ramped up during the divorce and afterwards. She left me, but decided to punish me when I didn't miss her (her actual words, years later). Step very carefully.
Before any of that, get yourself some therapy or a support group. If you are actually dealing with a personality disorder, you need to give special thought to your own recovery. Most people who haven't experienced something like it simply can't relate to your experience. Seek out someone who can.
It is entirely possible you're learned to enable bad behavior, and you'll need to give real thought to how to get yourself healthy. I had no idea how "ground down" I was at the end of my marriage. I was barely human, but kept right on paying bills and taking care of things. There wasn't much of anything left under my responsibilities, just a sad grey ghost.
Anyhoo.... Good luck and be careful.
Here's one for Borderline Personality: Stop Walking on Eggshells. It's not a book that directly describes what you are looking for, but you'll get a great idea of what BPD's do since it also is supposed to help show you how to cope with it.
Hey, it's a start...
I am a gay male with Borderline Personality Disorder, and I have had romantic involvement with another BPD guy. He and I are also around your age. I think the warnings stretch far beyond "be prepared for somebody who is really, really clingy and needy".
The advice I could give would have to be centred around his particular experience of Borderline Personality Disorder, so you'll have to give me more details. I'm an impulsive subtype and I don't experience rage, but I have experienced the stalking that he's talking about. I would say that manifests itself in the actual relationship as extreme insecurity.
I agree with /u/DementedSheepGirl that you should definitely, definitely speak with him about his thoughts, feelings, and inner experiences. To be understood is the plight of man. Just ask him what it's like on a daily basis for him, if he experiences the stuff they talk about on the internet, if he would be glad for you to get a book for loved ones with BPD (like Stop Walking on Eggshells, a book my ex-boyfriend bought to try to understand me more). Because I get the feeling, as with nearly all Borderline people, that they are doing better than they seem (Marsha Linehan calls this "apparent competence"). Or they are currently in a calm period but may slip into an episode somewhere down the line.
But that all depends on what his inner maelstrom of emotion and thought is like (analogous to "how severe his BPD is", but he may have gone into remission entirely from the disorder, so I think "inner maelstrom" is more accurate).
You got me thinking...
One of the most famous books about coping with a family member with Borderline Personality Disorder, which your mom is definitely a candidate for, is actually called Stop Walking on Eggshells. Maybe this could offer you some guidance.
Thank you for the kind words. I struggle with this crap every day. A very difficult part of being diagnosed was encountering what society thinks bpd is all about... here is a book about bpd aimed specifically at loved ones.
[Stop walking on eggshells] (http://www.amazon.com/dp/1572246901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fLvhAbV0G2H36)
> If you make the significance of this mistreatment dependent upon labeling your mother
Hi--I think she's trying to understand? Get a handle on it?
Because to a sane person, it makes no sense.
Send a sick kid to school because she wants to go? WTF? Why?
Borderlines and narcs are so incomprehensible at times that sane people can be driven mad--it makes no sense.
They hurt others; they hurt themselves. Why?
And there are good books to help with that:
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/179-9759265-1169349?ie=UTF8&*Version*=1&*entries*=0
Ah, Amazon has a personality disorder page:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/bestsellers/books/600620/ref=pd_zg_hrsr_b_1_4_last
Anyway, I think she is trying to understand something that makes no sense to so many of us!
I dated a woman with diagnosed BPD and it definitely increased my anxiety. I didn't know what BPD entailed at the time and decided to move in with her rather early in the relationship (a deadly mistake for any relationship). What had been the best experience of my life quickly deteriorated into feelings of imprisonment and worthlessness. I was an intruder in her nest and my presence made both of us miserable. I ended up reverting to my tried and tested coping behavior and ended up spending a majority of my time there in her basement on the computer just so I wouldn't accidentally trigger one of her down-swings. I was belittled, attacked and ignored. Occasionally we'd have a great couple days but they never lasted long. The battle between her BPD and my anxiety always resurfaced. It had been years since I had seen regular panic attacks in my life and they were coming back in full force. After talking to some friends I bought and read this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
I found it extremely insightful to what she was coping with. Shortly after I decided that we were only hurting ourselves and moved back in with my parents a number of states away. If anything in the time since I've come to care about her even more. I believe we've both learned lessons from our failed experiment and there is a distinct possibility that we'll give things another shot in the near future. I will not be sharing a home with her. Maybe a separate guest house or rent nearby if things turn long term.
There are books I've seen recommended. Walking on Eggshells is one of them. I've never read it, so I couldn't give you a personal opinion on the book.
We do have BPD members in this group, but I'm sure that not all of them will really want to talk about it. People with BPD are allowed to participate here as long as they follow the rules and exercise good boundaries.
There are subreddits on the topic. /r/BPDlovedones might have better answers for you. They don't allow people with BPD to post there, but they do specialize in the topic. There is also /r/BPD... tho I've never been there, so I don't know how that sub works. Their sidebar says it is for people who even just want to learn more and that would be you.
I definitely do not recommend /r/raisedbyborderlines. The mods of that subreddit promote a lot of misinformation about BPD and god forbid you piss them off and they may very well start a smear campaign against you. No joke. I'd steer wayyyy clear of that place. It's got a lot of problems.
For anyone who is in a relationship (family, personal, etc) with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder I suggest the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder"
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
That's quite the bait and switch from "I have depression".
Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder. Read this:
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1463511206&sr=8-1&keywords=walking+on+eggshells
Uh oh you upset the feminists' rationalization hamster 'cause you dared to point out a woman behaving badly you evil mansplainer you - reason you got such shit answers before. Reddit is such a cesspool.
Here you go: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
She has to work on herself and he needs to get the fuck away 'cause she won't better herself with him around. Unless she deals with the underlying issues - and that's a REAL challenge - he's putting himself in grave danger. He cannot help her.