We found 14 Reddit comments about Ten Days to Self-Esteem. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
If you haven't already given it a try, Ten Days to Self-Esteem by David Burns is a decent one.
It's an interactive workbook, so you aren't just reading about how to get self-esteem so much as actively taking steps towards it.
There are other books by him, but this is the one I hear recommended. It isn't about weight loss or body image, but it's written in a way that it can still apply and address it.
Here's a recent post about not loving our N parents that might help show you that you are not the only one who feels this way. I HATED my mother growing up. She was and still is a very unloving, brutal person. Why would I love her? The guilt is probably just societal programming, where not loving and honoring your parents is blasphemous. But if you look at it logically, it makes total sense why we feel this way. How would a dog react to being hit every time it came close to you? Would it love you and try to be affectionate with you? NO. It would probably cower in fear around you or any person, and would snap and attack. Why should we hold ourselves to a different standard than we would any other animal? You get what you give, and what have they given us?
If I were you, I would emancipate myself entirely and ASAP. This is close to what I did. Right at 18, I moved hours away and mostly paid almost all my own bills. My parents really didn't support me too much. I think my mother took out one small school loan and my dad sent me $100 a month, but I could have easily survived without that. I removed ALL ties with them as quickly as I could, because they used anything for manipulation. This really isn't too hard to do.
If you can't do that right now, it sounds like you're detaching emotionally which is good. Maybe you can just keep to yourself and try to survive until you get some physical distance from them. Don't engage them in any way. Only interact with them when you HAVE to. If they hassle you, maybe you can just agree (in principle or even just to placate them) and exit the situation ("yep you're probably right about that, OK gotta go!"). But DO try to get out ASAP. Don't jump into another shitty situation though. See if you can find a female roommate you can stand living with. I wouldn't move in with your boyfriend or another male just out of desperation because I find this usually ends BADLY. But obviously this is up to you. Try to find a place that's SAFE for you and don't just jump from one shitty situation to another.
Then as far as rebuilding your self-esteem, for me I had to get into therapy. If you can do this it could save your life. If that isn't possible, here are a list of cheap books that have helped me immensely (which I recommend reading and working through with or without therapy):
Cognitive behavioral therapy can help with stuff like this. You can do it on your own, or your school probably has services that can help - mine had kind of two tiers, the drop-in peer counseling that was pretty useless but OK if you just needed to vent, and then actual therapy with a grad student getting their clinical hours, and I found that very helpful. If you want to try it on your own, there are work books like:
(don't let the gimicky title put you off, it's actually pretty good)
The bullet points sound like a lot of distorted, negative thoughts that are bringing you down and CBT can help a lot with that. There was a story in that workbook iirc about a guy who felt like a total failure, he was bad at his job, had no friends, and so on. And he started doing CBT with the author, and even though there wasn't any material change to his life, he started feeling better about things, he stopped feeling hopeless, and that made it possible for him to start making concrete improvements. It seems counterintuitive, like "why should I stop thinking I have no social skills? I really don't have any" but you have some, you interact with people and they don't run screaming; but the pessimism and all-or-nothing thinking like that make it so much harder to improve your situation.
You might want to post this on /r/depression too, a lot of people struggle with similar things. It's great that you're getting back on the horse and going to college again, that's huge and you should give yourself credit for that.
CBT has a lot of tools to help with this. I'd even wager that you're not actually unattractive but that you've conditioned your mindset to see yourself this way. Cognitive distortions can quite literally change the way you see the world (including yourself).
I'd recommend any of these books by David Burns:
>IWTL How to be more positive and be able to get over the slumps of sadness and feelings of inadequacy in life.
>Recently I've began to notice that I have feelings of being inadequate in a lot of things in life. I feel that I'm pretty confident in every day life. I do my best to look good, smell good, and make sure I treat everyone I cross with the best attitude I can offer. I try to make sure I'm the best version of myself that can exist, but I still find myself thinking that I'm not good enough. That my friends deserve a better person to talk to, my girlfriend deserves a better boyfriend, and that I myself am just not cutting it. I want to learn how to fix this toxic mindset and be able to turn my thoughts around and be proud of myself for what I'm doing correctly. I'm a 22 year old Male by the way. Not sure if that has any correlation at all, but it's out there.
It's worth learning how the system (i.e. your brain) works in order to create change. In a nutshell:
Good job on identifying an issue and taking steps to counteract and fix them, it's way easier said than done.
It's a more concrete help so I'd recommend Ten Days to Self-Esteem. It's a book my therapist recommended me and it's pretty good in helping change the way to approach certain things about yourself. It's not gonna magic it all away but I find that just changing the way you think about things or better defining them helps.
On a similar note, don't ever vocalize your self=loathing. It's fine to think about it still, you can't entirely stop your thoughts, just don't say them outloud. Don't say them to yourself, don't say them around friends and family, just bite your tongue when saying it. I've noticed that just not vocalizing it has weirdly helped me with myself. My other big thing is to treat yourself, like you did with the ice cream. Not all the time of course, but if you ever do something that's hard just for you to do, like going a week without bringing yourself down or just being reasonably responsible, get yourself something. Be it a trinket, a little vacation or just a sweet dessert, it's good reinforcement and you deserve to feel good about yourself.
Hi friend. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. As someone who has experienced a period of depression and anxiety, I can imagine your pain in an all-too-familiar way.
Others have posted prayer as a means by which to overcome your mental health issues. I wholeheartedly agree. Faith and prayer is what kept me anchored in my struggles as well.
In addition, if you find your therapist is not helping, try to find another. There are many, many great psychologists and counsellors out there. You deserve the best possible care you can get.
Finally, look into workbooks for Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy. The ones that come to mind, as there were particularly helpful for me, are David Burns' "Ten Days to Self Esteem" and "The Feeling Good Handbook"
God bless. I will keep you in my prayers, anonymous reddit friend!:)
> replace negative thoughts with positive ones
This is the basis of CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy). I'd really recommend reading Feeling good and also the authors workbook for any one interested in this. It gives you concert techniques to apply and helps you examine your thoughts. This book changed the whole way I look at my life and problems. I had a huge light bulb moment when I began to understand how much of my suffering came from within me and how I talk to myself.
Something I've learnt is that it's not that straight forward. That just replacing negative thoughts with positive ones won't always work.
I noticed that if I have the thought "My work is shit. It'll never get better" flipping that to a positive thought "My work is OK. I'm still learning. It could get better" feels like I'm ignoring reality. I'm ignoring what needs improvement, where I'm failing and things I could do better.
Instead, there's a technique called the Acceptance Paradox, where you accept and see if you can find some truth in the statement, which would be:
"There's a lot that isn't working and this doesn't hold up to my standards. But I can get better, work to improve it and learn from my mistakes".
That feels more rational and not like I'm trying to trick myself to feel better. There are loads of other techniques in the book to apply to help with perfectionism, low sense of self-worth, anxiety, anger, guilt etc
> It may sound like new age bullshit, but our thoughts really do inform reality.
I think people are mainly turned off by it because when someone has problems and you just tell them "think positive thoughts"/"your thoughts influence your feelings" it feels like you're invalidating their situation and the difficulty of their problems. I feel it needs to be explained and understood more in depth to help.
>don't be afraid to get help
I second this. I knew I had real struggles with anxiety and depression for years and I didn't reach out for professional help until it got much worst and I was in an enormous, chaotic inner crisis. Wish I had done it early.
On the other hand, I probably wouldn't have even if I knew that it'd be for the better.
The idea that I'd be less of a man for not being able to push through these issues by myself and the stigma attached to mental health would have still held me back.
Oops, I made a mistake!
The book to use with a therapist is Ten Days to Self-Esteem - it's a workbook to apply CBT. Don't buy the digital version as it is a workbook. The Feeling Good Handbook is also useful and includes a more detailed version of CBT techniques, but may be a bit overwhelming because of the info contained.
Anyway, glad to help - good luck!
In the interim, here's a book by one of the fathers of CBT with some exercises somewhat focused on depression, but also covering anxiety and related thinking: http://www.amazon.com/Ten-Days-Self-Esteem-David-Burns/dp/0688094554
Your girl has trauma points on several levels that should be addressed. I'm going to hit you with a library of reference material. Self-help books are not a replacement for therapy! That said, knowledge is power, and these are excellent resources.
I felt that way for the better part of 8 years. I'm 28 and now dating a woman in her 40's (we make for a odd couple, but that's why it works). We met on OkCupid, and it was supposed to be a summer fling...and it's turned into a lot more. I never expected myself to be here. Sooner or later you'll meet someone and it'll just click. It sounds cliche, but after spending most of my 20's seeing friends hooking up long-term, getting hitched and having babies I thought I'd never have a part of that life. I felt that relationships weren't for me. And now, all of the sudden here I am, nearly a year into a relationship.
Right now, you need to focus on you. Honestly, give up on relationships for a while. I did FWB's pretty much all 8 years, which avoids the stickiness (for lack of a better term) of a relationship but still gives you someone to have fun with and have sex with. If you feel that you're heading down a relationship path, be honest about how things are going to both you and your partner in such a situation and break it off if you can't get it back on the track you want. Just don't fade, because that's an asshole move.
In the meantime, do what's important to you and broaden your horizons. Learn an instrument, learn to code, learn to shoot a gun. I spent most of my summer weekends actually outdoors building a cottage and shooting a .22 rifle in a gravel pit. In the winter I was completing a second degree. Also throw yourself into your job. Learn a new skill for it. Learn to be better at it - if you hate your job, well find ways to optimize your time there. If you don't have a job, find something to do, even on a volunteer basis.
Also, don't be afraid to ask for help from friends. If you have a close friend or two, be honest with them about how you're feeling. They'll help you get back on my feet. My best friend organized a camping trip for me and some friends about a month after my break-up for my 21sth birthday and it was amazing how much that helped. When he broke up with his girlfriend two years ago, I had him up to my place and we spent four days golfing and drinking beer.
Right now it feels life sucks in that department. Spend time to get your mind off it and make yourself better. You're the only one who can control those feelings and you have to make the changes necessary so the pain and jadedness don't bother you. But do what works for you and you'll come out the other side in good shape. Just don't allow yourself to mope and feel sorry about it all. And if you find you're making excuses for yourself, get 10 Days to Self Esteem. It will help.
Good luck man, I hope I helped at least in a small way and that my experiences will make life a little easier.
Awesome. I'm so glad you did! And honestly, that wasn't that long of a wait!
I'm so glad that you saw the doctor and are getting help. I'm so glad I did too.
I started my first class yesterday, at the recommendation of the therapist that I saw last week. It's a self-esteem class that is based on this book. A lot of it is kind of self-evident and general "find the silver lining" kind of stuff, but it's actually helpful to go over examples with the group and to be able to categorize the types of thoughts that I've been having and to be able to recognize them so that I know how to turn them around. The meeting was really awkward because there were so many people there from all walks of life and many with much worse problems than I have, honestly. But once I got over that, I relaxed and just went along with everything. Looking forward to next week.
My wife looked at the list of "Distorted Thoughts" with me last night and she was like, "Yup, you do that. Yup, you do that (and here's an example). Yup, you do that! Yup, you totally do that!" and we talked about each one, with examples that she's seen in me. It really helped. And we laughed with each other like we haven't laughed in months. It was so nice.
Even just talking to the doctor and the therapist and knowing that I'm doing something about this has helped me a whole lot. I still don't fully believe that I can "cure" myself - I think it will continue to be a life-long struggle. But at least I'm trying to get the tools to fight it and get along, rather than thinking it's hopeless and not worth it. It's totally worth it. My wife's attitude has completely changed, which has also helped.
And exercising every night before bed for the past two weeks has really helped me get my energy back. I do feel like I have more energy and I'm a bit more awake/alert. I still struggle a bit with the exercise. It's really hard to push myself. But I'm getting better at it. I figure that if I workout hard enough to get that "runner's high" when I come home, it was worth it. I ride my bike for about an hour every night. I go about 10 miles each ride. I'm keeping track of it using the Strava app. The data that Strava gives you makes it more interesting and almost into a game to see how far I can go in that time, or to try to up my average speed, and I can see my route and change that up or keep doing the same course and see how much faster I can do it each time, etc.
(Seriously, that "runner's high" feels like how I felt when I had an edible marijuana cupcake in amsterdam... just tingles all over my body and it feels so good. The difference would be that when I ate the "space cake" it messed with my mind and everything I saw had so much more significance than it did before. That doesn't happen with the "runner's high" but the physical sensations are still very similar. The tingles and relaxation of the muscles. Anyway, it's interesting. And a really nice feeling.)
St. John's Wort is a pretty cheap over the counter drug that may help. Give it a couple of weeks to work, and if you don't feel any better by then think about seeing a psychiatrist. Get therapy regardless.
You mention self-esteem issues. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help. It's always better to go through it with a therapist but you can get started pretty easily with this: http://www.amazon.com/Ten-Days-Self-Esteem-David-Burns/dp/0688094554/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;s=books&amp;qid=1252600255&amp;sr=8-1. It sounds corny. It'll feel extra corny when you start doing the exercises, but again give it a few weeks of diligent effort and then check back in.
As for what's wrong with the world, lots of people feel better after doing some volunteer work.