Reddit reviews The Best Little Boy in the World: The 25th Anniversary Edition of the Classic Memoir

>Psychologists have analyzed the relationship between a Type A personality, an adolescence in the closet, and a need for perfection. Taking their cue from Andrew Tobias’ bestselling memoir, they have developed a theory of the “the Best Boy in the World,” which essentially means that in order to deflect attention away from their closeted sexuality, some gay men have overcompensated in their career or in other arenas that award success. Growing up in the Midwest, Buttigieg has explained, made him think that he had to choose between being an elected politician or an out gay person. Unfortunately, unlike me, he never got to meet a summer house full of gay men who didn’t view their gay identity in opposition with their commitment to politics and public life.
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>Critics of Mayor Pete’s demeanor don’t recognize that his persona reflects the consequence of living in the closet, or “packing away his feelings,” as he put it to The Daily. Despite eventually coming out, getting married, and being the first openly gay man on the Democratic presidential primary stage, the coping mechanisms that he developed from being in the closet did not immediately vanish. When people criticize him for being calculated or robotic, I see the familiar traits of a gay man who had desperately tried to live in both worlds.

When I came out my mom told everyone in her department (She worked for a Gov't Contractor that makes Heads-Up displays for fighter-jets), and I started getting the weirdest shit from all her engineers.

For instance, a copy of that. And cards. And she baked me a "yay you trust me" cake.

It was a little overwhelming considering I had just spent 6 months expecting to get kicked out.

The best exploration thus far that I've found of why we've developed many of our unique social patterns/traits can be found in "The Velvet Rage".

It's a really good book that IMO every gay man should read for many reasons beyond the question in this thread. Granted, some of the patterns highlighted in the book have since receded, but the book is incredibly insightful even in 2017. Similarly, an even older book "The Best Little Boy in the World", may be interesting to check out too.

Basically the author would argue this sort of behaviour stems from the experiences many of us have growing up, while learning how to come to terms with our sexualities. We're often subjected to a different experience than other boys. We're often taught to be ashamed of ourselves, even if it was never intentional on the part of those around us.

To compensate, many of us learn to behave in ways that constantly bring us affirmation despite a nagging feeling that we are somehow undeserving of affection. For some, this takes the form of becoming hyper-masculine, being homophobic, being a straight A student, going to the gym, etc. For others this may take the form of becoming more feminine, more sassy, more sensitive, more creative, or more caring. It may depend substantially on the people around them during those times. Due to the different experience of being gay, young gay boys may find different routes of attaining affirmation than their straight peers (e.g., by hanging around with girls who may be more likely to accept them — or at least less likely to remind them that other boys are different). The idea is the same for both "masc" and "femme" gays though: do something to set oneself apart as exceptional in order to collect affirmation and avoid feeling uncomfortable with oneself.

Later into life, even after coming out of the closet and been "out" for years, this can evolve into acting outrageously (or, alternatively, it can evolve into a facade of "masc"/"not a bitchy queen"/"non-scene"/"straight acting"). The author argues this is a way of compensating for lingering shame, and protecting oneself from getting hurt, even after being out for years or decades — and it can lead to all sorts of harmful problems in ones life like relationship problems, depression, etc.

To be honest, I'm only part way through the book, but I'm assuming that probably after that the author will get into a later stage where people can let go of the need to constantly prove to themselves that they are loveable.

I should say that I honestly doubt the author is suggesting that guys who use the term "girl" are always doing so out of shame. I think the central thesis is more that these types of behaviours, which set us apart from other men, are often shaped by those early experiences of feeling "different" and seeking affirmation to avoid dealing with shame. So in some of us, those behaviours may begin there. After that it's more like a part of our history and development as a person, and may be something we continue even after letting go of shame.

Those last two paragraphs are extrapolation, so YMMV.

So in the case of your neighbour, maybe they grew up in an environment that made them feel different. Maybe it caused them to feel ashamed. Maybe their father became distant after noticing something was "not normal". Maybe they found affirmation from girls in their lives, who told them they also found men attractive — or by a female adult in their lives who helped them feel better about themselves.

Or maybe after coming out of the closet, they lost many friends. Maybe they found comfort and acceptance by playing the role of "gay best friend". Maybe that's how they survived high school. Maybe they found that by embracing the unexpected — by poking fun at gender in a tongue and cheek manner — they could garner affection and admiration from their peers. Or, maybe they found that it helped them filter out homophobic acquaintances before they could get close enough to do more damage than a stranger could.

And maybe they've also come to terms with it. Maybe now it's simply become a part of who they are — something they say to acknowledge where they've been. Something they say to let other gay men know "girl[, I've been there too]". Even if other gay men have handled their shame differently (e.g., by being the best at sports or lowering their voice to seem more "masc"), perhaps there are commonalities among the experience that this person acknowledges with "girl".

Of course, it's pretty much impossible to know just how this particular person came to use the word in the way that they do. I don't think that's really the point though. The word signals "hey, me too", which, if we're being honest, is something I don't think most of us heard enough of growing up.

Two legendary books about growing up gay:

The Best Little Boy In The World by John Reid

At Swim, Two Boys: A Novel by Jamie O'Neill

https://www.amazon.com/Best-Little-Boy-World-Anniversary/dp/0345381769

I really, really enjoyed The Best Little Boy in The World. http://www.amazon.com/Best-Little-Boy-World/dp/0345381769. It helped me deal with a lot of issues. Especially my desire when I was younger to overperform to make up for being gay.

"Best Little Boy in the World"by John Reid and Andrew Tobias.

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