Reddit reviews The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love
We found 29 Reddit comments about The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Okay, so first, what you're looking for isn't monogamous, it's polyamorous or polyfidelitous. The people at /r/polyamory could be a good resource for you as well.
Before talking to her, or maybe as you are, I'd recommend reading The Ethical Slut. There's a lot of very important information about how to communicate and navigate the weird waters of non-monogamy. It's also a quick read.
Good luck, play safe.
to be honest, where i am right now, SW has made me more compassionate and healed me in a way that i couldn't get from my civilian life. it helped me cultivate a sense of power, confidence, and taught me more about how to have boundaries than any therapy modality could. i no longer have anger or hurt towards the clients i see who are married. i have a much more nuanced way of seeing people and relationships now, and that's where i'm able to have compassion for all people. i feel more like a therapist now than i did years before doing SW, and see how complicated people are.
i know what you're feeling because i've felt it too. i have gotten to a much different place now, though it took years out of SW to finally get there, and now i'm back with a much wiser and healthier perspective as a working SW again.
around the time i first started escorting around age 23 was when i came to the discovery/realization that my own father was a client. i saw his laptop open with a browser tab on eros, and coupled with many other pieces of info, i just knew he was a clientl! that, coupled with who he was a father and husband to my mother, made me lose my shit because he wasn't the best, and it gave me a very negative view of men for most of my 20s. after that, i went back to civilian jobs and slowly healed myself.
being a SW is marginalizing, but it's also incredibly powerful to have the kind of perspectives and knowledge about the world and how men operate that we get to see that civilians don't. i start with the idea of having this knowledge is extremely powerful and enlightening and build upon that. we are like deities who have secret info about the rest of mankind that other women are blind to. knowledge is power.
IMHO, sex work will change you, but it doesn't necessarily have to hurt you. it depends on how you choose to see the world and seek out new relationships with the new knowledge you know about men and relationships. there are two main perspectives i see with having this newfound understanding:
it actually gives us an advantage over civilian women in finding the right kind of man because we understand that civilian women are lied to constantly by their own partners, families and society about what the world and what the men in their lives are actually like. it just means we have to find the right kind of man who is honest with himself and all of his partners. it will take more work, more time, but it will make our future relationships stronger if we act accordingly.
gathered from my civilian dating life and sw life, what i find most noticeable about men is that men who are more focused on status and tradition are more likely to be in a monogamous relationship, but will have their cake behind their partners back. they do love their partners, but they also force their partners into non-consensual open relationships without the knowledge that it is so. they are deceivers and liars, but are they exactly monsters? no. just complicated men who aren't able to live authentically and live a life of lies on a daily basis.
luckily there are more men than ever before, especially in younger generations, who are becoming more honest about what they want, and their relationships. ethical non-monogamy is an option and many people are very happy living that way. I think a lot of non-monogamous or poly couples are much better at communication than monogamous men/people are, and that is kind of by design. i've just emerged into my non-monogamous identity, and as someone who is dating and trying to meet a primary partner, I've found that men who are open to real honest & ethical non-monogamy are men who are more likely to be sw-friendly and understand it as real work, but also are just more open about everything in general. while obviously not every non-mono guy is like that, it's much more apparent than in monogamous men who don't know how to communicate and play games. it's a breath of fresh air actually.
some videos for intros to non-monogamy:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cVPDSHSaW4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7E9ASb3LfE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bW8jW946HE0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_3ZHePuZ9U
...and of course this book, the bible of polyamory/NM: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399579664/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2?pf_rd_p=b4bbef4e-170e-463d-8538-7eff3394b224&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1442200227&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=C6RPSSN1TVTT8DR4299V&pf_rd_r=C6RPSSN1TVTT8DR4299V&pf_rd_p=b4bbef4e-170e-463d-8538-7eff3394b224
​
​
I am not equipped to help you out here because a lot of what you're saying doesn't sound like a good enough situation to be voluntarily testing the breaking points for a relationship on top of it all. There's a lot of tension in your lives that you might want to resolve a bit first. If you're open to it - actually, really, open to it, you both need to talk about it and all of the issues you've got already and how to resolve those as well as mediate your insecurities and boundaries.
One thing though:
>I don’t want to demand that he only see someone else x days a week cause that’s kinda shitty
This isn't, by any means, a one size fits all relationship style - it's fairly anarchic. You get to make your own rules. Especially to start, it sounds like you are going to need a lot of extra attention paid to you to reaffirm that your bond is strong and you feel special. He needs to be there to do that and he should want to because he loves you and wants you to be happy too. Ensuring that you have appropriate time for each other is absolutely key.
My wife and I have rules about how many dates per week are appropriate because we want to ensure that neither of us feels neglected by the other. We want to make sure we both feel special and loved and enjoy all that new relationship energy and intimacy with others without guilt or worry.
That's what's great about all this - you can tailor your relationship to fit your desires and needs. But it's work.
Do yourself a favor and check out these resources:
https://www.morethantwo.com/
Opening Up by Tristan Taormino
The Ethical Slut
and this one that I just discovered and is awesomely helpful for dealing with jealousy (which you are like 99% guaranteed to feel):
The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola
Don't go into this lightly or on a whim, please communicate with each other and ensure that this is what you want. You can go forward, but you cannot go back the way you came and assume you'll end up where you started.
TL;DR: RUN, don't walk, away from this man.
The issue that you need to focus on is not about tantra, it is not about non-monogamy. It is about you needing to be in an emotionally and physically safe relationship that supports your growth.
This guy is an asshole. The sexual issues and his active alcoholism are ways for him to string you along into helping him. Yes, his mother died, and that's a terrible thing, but it is not your cross to bear. Especially with all of this coworker bullshit going on.
He doesn't sound like he's able to be in a healthy non-monogamous relationship, given his lack of communication with you about "wanting snuggles" before telling you this other woman was coming over. That was also pretty mean of him to do to you.
Rule #1 with non-monogamy is to communicate. Rule #2 is to respect your partner. He's doing neither of those things.
He needs therapy, not non-monogamy, and not certainly not tantric sex with you.
Re: developing a tantric practice with someone you're in a non-monogamous relationship with? I'm not sure what the answer to that would be, however if it is possible, the relationship must be healthy and safe.
That's not at all what's happening here. Tantric sex will put you in a more emotionally vulnerable position with him. You will be on the hook for more of his toxic bullshit. He will be able to manipulate you more than he's doing now.
Given what you've written about what's happening now, neither tantra nor non-monogamy sound emotionally safe and I think it would lead to damaging yourself emotionally if you were to do so.
I know you want to help him, and that you're in love with him, however you need to focus on being good to yourself. You deserve to be with someone who loves, respects and communicates with you. This guy is not at all that. He's a spineless asshole who's trying to manipulate you.
Get yourself the support you need to untangle yourself from this relationship so you can move forward in creating a beautiful life for yourself.
YOU DO NOT DESERVE SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU LIKE THIS
Want more info?:
Check out r/nonmonogamy
Read: The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love by Janet Hardy & Dossie Easton. It's an excellent guide for navigating relationships of all kinds.
edit: formatting
Strongly recommended reading: The Ethical Slut. Generally oriented towards polyamorous relationships and building the good communication necessary to maintain those relationships, but just about everything is applicable to any relationship you may choose, and is a great general guide how to be safely and ethically non-monogamous.
I suggest you check out these books
More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love
Sometimes people aren’t sexually compatible, and that’s important. Your desires won’t go away no matter how much you love her. It’s important to either find a compromise - play partner(s), trying certain things slowly, etc. and if that doesn’t work.... it may be time to re-evaluate things as hard as it may seem.
A good book that touches on this subject is The Ethical Slut
The Ethical Slut, Third Edition is gonna be your overarching guide to Polyamory and other type of Alt relationships.
Basics to focus on, communication, boundaries, and reflection.
Talk talk talk. That's the secret to any relationship - esp poly.
Poly means different things to different people. There is no one correct way. Poly is what you and partners decide it is. Everyone has different reasons about why they are poly.
Personally, I think that it is cruel to expect everything I want from one person. I have enough love to share and my lovers all have different roles in my life. I tired poly when I was not ready and got consumed by jealousy and relationship drama. We make mistakes and we learn. It takes a LOT of emotional maturity, patience, and trust to be in a healthy poly relationship. Poly is not for everyone and it doesn't need to be. Nothing wrong with monogamy if that's your thing.
I think people are more fascinated with the idea of poly. And reality is not always that glamorous. So many people want a quick peep into the lifestyle. The taboo is alluring. But many people also cannot get over the possessiveness and insecurity. No matter how secure you are in yourself and how strong your relationship is, being in a real life poly situation will bring up insecurities and challenge your relationship. If you both work on it together, you will become more close and trusting of each other. It can also drive a wedge between you both.
I would also suggest any of the the below books.
You could see if the guy you like is open to a non-monogamous relationship. I've found that monogamy doesn't work for me, so I warn guys that I date that I only do open relationships. If they're fine with that, great! If not, we're not wasting each other's time. I've been with my current boyfriend for seven years now. I agreed to a few months of monogamy at the beginning when we were first getting to know each other (but was very open from before our first date about wanting an open relationship), and at four months in I told him I liked him and would be happy to be in a relationship, but not at the cost of staying monogamous. He agreed to the open relationship and I've never had to hide anything from him whether it was a one night stand or a friend with benefits, and he also shares with me when he's interested in someone else and I do what I can to be his wingman. He's shy though, so I've done the vast majority of sleeping around.
If you're going to go this route, I recommend reading up on non-monogamy and polyamory. The Ethical Slut is a good book on the topic. Even if you don't want a polyamorous relationship, the poly community has done a lot of writing on balancing multiple partners of different commitment levels and their different needs and has put a heavy focus on how to communicate with your partners and with yourself to minimize jealousy and make sure everyone feels respected and has an active role in their relationships.
Something to read that will help you find answers or ideas to your questions.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0991399706/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1526441375&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=more+than+two&dpPl=1&dpID=51twfWzEPbL&ref=plSrch
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0399579664/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1526441540&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=the+ethical+slut&dpPl=1&dpID=51HiTftUarL&ref=plSrch
Oh, and here's a great book. The third edition just came out, and I haven't read it. I read the first edition, though, and it's REALLY good.
https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Third-Practical-Relationships/dp/0399579664
I can completely understand your position, I had a long relationship with someone very vanilla and with the years it got boring. In your case it can be worse if you never have enjoyed sex with him.
​
You have two options:
1- Stay with him, but open your relationship. There are many models of open relationships that may solve your frustration and enjoy the best of him.
​
2- Leave him and keep him as a friend. Maybe you two aren't meant to be partners but big friends. I am now a business partner with my ex girlfriend and it works pretty well.
​
In any case, I urge you to solve this issue before moving together. It will be a lot more difficult later.
​
By the way, my actual partner and I are talking about opening our relationship too, if you want to read about it, I'm reading this book now: The ethical slut
Hello, queer here! Bisexual and poly (though bush dating is hard^IseewhatIdidthere^shiftyeyes).
I actually bought my husband Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns when we first became serious. Its a good beginner for those entering/thinking about the BDSM scene. I also had him read The Ethical Slut because he's was solidly monogamous and did not understand why anyone would be okay with sharing their partner. I'm happy to say both books helped us get on the same page before marriage!
YAAAAS QUEEN! I highly recommend these books.
Edit to add: The Story Of O (1975). It's porn, but it's hooooott. A young woman's boyfriend brings her to a secluded chateau for "training" wink wink
Whups, I thought I was on a different ENM subreddit anyways, sorry.
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love
The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships
The Polyamory Toolkit: A Guidebook for Polyamorous Relationships
Building Open Relationships: Your hands on guide to swinging, polyamory, and beyond!
Going to recommend a book for you:
https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Third-Practical-Relationships/dp/0399579664
This is an excellent book that talks about jealousy, emotional health, relationships, self confidence, and so many other issues that arise in relationships in general. It's written specifically for people who are considering polyamory or who are curious about the subject. But honestly, I read it a couple years ago and it changed my life. And I'm not even poly! I recommend absolutely anyone who is old enough to have a serious relationship give this book a read.
That said, you absolutely shouldn't feel bad about having biological urges, and wanting what you want. We're all human. We all sometimes see a beautiful/handsome person that we can't help but think is attractive. It's a normal part of biology, and we typically try to hide it from each other to spare our partner's feelings.
If you're considering acting on those feelings, you'll need to talk about it with your partner. He has a right to know what your long-term intentions are, and while it may be scary to feel like you might lose someone you care about, you owe it to them to let them know who you are. He will probably have some questions and concerns, and definitely some limits. But if you have a healthy relationship, you should be able to at least have a heart to heart about the fact that you are increasingly finding yourself curious about women.
Again, I recommend you read the book I linked. It was a world-view changer for me. Once you feel comfortable, you should be honest with yourself and figure out if you think your boyfriend is a reasonable enough person to have this discussion with, and understand that he may feel a little threatened. Ease his mind. Let him know that you love him. And that these are just thoughts you wanted to share with him, and ask if he is comfortable exploring it further.
Here’s a fantastic book to get any of you all started.
The Ethical Slut https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/0399579664/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_adpVDb095EF66
Probably one of the better books on the topic is around $30, Two Knotty Boys' Showing You the Ropes. If you want cheaper, The Little Guide to Getting Tied Up seems to have good review scores and is closer to your budget, though I can't vouch for it myself, not having read it. I haven't read Learning the Ropes either, but judging by the description, it doesn't appear to be a manual for rope bondage, but rather an overall guide to BDSM.
If that's what you're looking for, I can point you to a few recommendations. Probably the most celebrated book on general BDSM (at least among those I've spoken to) is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns. Also, while it's more about polyamory than BDSM, The Ethical Slut is a highly acclaimed book about a sex-positive lifestyle.
I would caution, however: be careful with being pushy about BDSM and sex-positive stuff if you're not sure the person will be receptive. Yeah, I get that it's a "gag gift", but you want to be sure you're not insulting your cousin or making things awkward between you.
In any case, I hope whatever you go with works well for you!
One of two things is probably going to happen.
Scenario One: You'll talk to her about it and she'll go "Really!? Me too!"
Scenario Two: You'll talk to her about it and she'll go "WTF!? Why don't you love me anymore!?"
The fact that an open relationship and sex with others has been brought up without the sky falling in is a good sign but partners can sometimes get into a situation where they smile and nod at something, hoping it's just a phase and you'll forget about it after a while.
Real talk; you need to accept the fact that it may turn out that what the two of you want and are comfortable with is different and ultimately incompatible. I'm not saying that's what will happen but it's a possibility you need to be prepared for so you're not blindsided.
Before you talk to her, you need to get a handle on how you feel and start learning some of the language to talk about poly and the associated emotions. Kimchi Cuddles is a pretty low intensity look at the poly world through a humorous angle and it's actually written by a person who is poly so the perspectives and language in it come from a place of knowledge. You can also save comics that address particular problems or have discussions in them that resonate particularly strongly for you.
Beyond that, there's Hardy and Easton's Ethical Slut which is (and should be) a standard issue "Welcome to poly!" book and Deborah Anapol's book Polyamory in the 21st Century.
Both texts aren't flawless, I have irks with both as do many others but for someone looking to get a toe-hold they're pretty good.
I'd recommend starting with Kimchi Cuddles, then moving on to Ethical Slut. Polyamory in the 21st Century is optional but more in-depth.
The important thing is to talk with your partner now. Make them aware that you're thinking about this kind of stuff so they don't get blindsided later on when you've been reading and thinking for a month with them completely unaware. Maybe look for more concrete responses to the idea of an open relationship.
Unless you get the second scenario, there's going to be some hurt. It's extremely difficult to avoid. You just have to keep stressing that this isn't because of a failure on her part and that you still love and care for her.
I just realized it's been 7 years since I read that book. Haven't read that latest edition you're holding, but I remember the chapter "Embracing Conflict" (I think that's what it was called) being eye-opening to me.
If anyone out there is interested in ethical non-monogamy, or dope books about relationship skills generally, then read The Ethical Slut (and More Than Two by Rickert and Veaux, plus The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory by Winston)
You definitely can.
Welcome to /r/PolyamoryR4R. This is an ethical and respectful community.
Here are some resources you might find helpful in creating and keeping healthy, ethical poly relationships:
Books: More than Two, and The Ethical Slut.
Podcasts: Polyweekly.com, and Multiamory.com.
Websites: MoreThanTwo.com
Subreddits: /r/Polyamory
We take a hard stance against unicorn hunting.
Couples looking for a unicorn will often say they want someone to "join" their family. Poly triads are not (AB)+C. C isn't "joining" anything. You all will create something completely new; four different relationships that all need time and attention. A+B (as with any major life change, your relationship dynamic will probably shift), B+C, A+C, and A+B+C. Imposing unethical, unfair dynamics on a partner may lead to your removal from this subreddit.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
i'm trying it IRL
[Sex Stuff] The Manwhore Podcast: A Sex-Positive Quest for Love - Ep. 175: Super Mega Gay (Porn) Episode with Mr. Pam
iTunes - Google Play - Spotify
Mr. Pam was a pervy, little Catholic school girl. “I didn’t learn long division, but I did learn where the g-spot is!” she shares of her grade school antics. Mr. Pam is ”one of the most respected and successful females in the gay porn industry.” Get ready to hear the story of how one woman went from post-production intern to gay porn director. Get ready to do the Porno Twist with a soft mouth on this week’s Manwhore Podcast!
PLUS: barebacking, PReP, The Ethical Slut 20th anniversary, militant dykes, and lots of gay dicks!
Click here to join me in NYC for ManwhoreCon!
Purchase your own copy of The Ethical Slut 3rd edition!
Check out Mr. Pam on Twitter: @MrPam!
Get a membership to Naked Sword to see her work!
Join our fanwhore community for as little as $1! Click here to become a member!
The Manwhore Podcast is sponsored by the PURE Hookup app. Download PURE today and have awesome casual sex tonight!
Discover the wine you didn’t know you needed with Winc! Get $20 off your first month with promo code MANWHORE.
Email your comments, questions, and boobies to [email protected].
www.ManwhorePod.com
* hugs * Sorry you're feeling bad about yourself. FWIW, nothing you've said so far warrants the self-incrimination you're feeling, in my opinion. You're not hurting anyone, you're not breaking your word, and you seem to be having a good time.
Keep in mind that if you're raised in the US, there are many old and powerful forces that push the idea that sex--especially sex for money--is dirty and shameful.
These forces try inject these ideas into your mind from the time you're just a little kid, before your brain is fully developed and capable of defending itself. It's these ideas are the cause of your disgust and self-hatred.
However, you don't have to listen to these ideas. You can boot them from your brain, and replace them different, better ideas.
Here's a few books you might find helpful:
I like the idea of this thread, and it's thoughtful for you to put the effort into trying to help someone in this state.
> I told him that there is no way what he’s saying is true and he needs to stop believing that about himself and I also shared how there are plenty of people who will see value in you when you see value in yourself as corny as that sounds.
As a general rule, I'm not a fan of just do XYZ advice. That's not a critique; it takes time, and not everybody can invest much into this. I think it was thoughtful for you to offer an compassionate ear. I sometimes like to ask questions about what people do for fun. I do this for two reasons: first, it encourages people to check in with themselves. What am I doing? What would I like to do? How am I socializing? What is keeping me from it? It also teaches people that they can check in with others, which is the foundation for building a connection with people.
And that leads to another point: sometimes people simply feel alone, and view sex as a kind of validation. That's where therapy comes into play: sex is fun. Sex is social. Sex is a thing that partners can share. But if sex is an ends to a means for proving something, then it's no longer a shared experience between partners. It makes those partners into gatekeepers, and that's a distorted view (and incidentally another good reason to see a therapist: to work through the underlying reasons that someone might be experiencing this distortion).
>...there are plenty of people who will see value in you when you see value in yourself as corny as that sounds.
It's easy to slip into the mindset that this needs to be a paradox: how can one love themselves if others don't? How will others know how to love you if you can't love yourself? I know that a while back I needed help, but I couldn't quantify it. All I could do was acknowledge that whatever I was doing at the time just wasn't working. Therapy helped me and two years later my window shifted all over: I date actively now, I go out and strike up conversations, and my old defeatist self would have never taken the exams I'm taking, and I'm about to take my eighth in three months... and in the wake of a very expensive failure. What keeps me going? Learning to forgive myself when I fuck up. How does one do that? I'd like to say that it comes from developing a healthy relationship between yourself, your goals, and how you mediate between them without trying to please the ghosts of your past, but I don't know if others have had the experiences that I've had. But back to the point: sex and dating are one piece of a whole.
It's ok to feel disappointed. The challenge is learning how to deal with those feelings in a way that acknowledges that you're not alone but also respects your feelings as your feelings.
Anyway, that's a lot of statement. Here are some thoughts to your actual question about resources.
Resources:
---
I tried to structure this list around ease-of-access - that is: easy to read/watch.
Planned Parenthood - Virginity
Planned Parenthood does a great job discussing the various means through which people can lose virginity. What I like about this resource is that it points out that virginity itself can be arbitrary.
SoNotable: I think there are a few types of virginity, including innocence (not knowing what sex is, lost when you regularly watch porn and develop an understanding of the concept of sex), partnered (Never having had sex with a partner, lost when you are intimate with a partner), and shared (the first time you sleep with somebody/ies and get through the initial "how do we communicate"-isms).
---
How to Lose your Virginity
A documentary of sorts that describes the concept and history of virginity. It's mainly told from the perspective of young women, but the concepts discussed applies to young men as well.
---
The Ethical Slut
Is it counter-intuitive to suggest a book to virgins that discusses polyamorous relationships? I don't think so. This book focuses on emotional honesty and makes talking about sex a lot easier. Virgins can (and should learn to be) sex-positive.
---
Web: GirlsAskGuys.com
This is a site that encourages people to ask and answer questions, and has a fairly balanced population. If someone has a question that they feel might be gender-specific, it makes it easier to know who is answer from which perspective.
---
The Guide to Getting It On
While I wouldn't recommend reading a 900+ page sex manual cover to cover, this book is great because it covers a ton about sex, including things that might cause anxiety or stage fright. I've loaned my copy out to friends who've confided in me, and it's helped them. It also does a good job of normalizing sex-talk.
---
I'm currently studying a lot and focusing on personal development, but I want to expand this reading list once I've finished my current side project. In the mean time I'm sure others can add a few items.
I hope this offers some ideas that you can take and use. Also, most of my suggestions relate to sex and sexuality from a man's perspective; adding some resources for woman would be greatly appreciated :)
General Resources around Masculinity
The Good Men Project
/r/MensLib is a subreddit that discusses masculinity and politics in a constructive, pro-feminist voice. I like this sub because it encourages discussion of masculinity as a non-zero-sum game.
Also: someone recently told me about a sportsball player (I think Basketball?) who started discussing masculinity and hosting retreats for men. I believe his name was Chae or Shae or something like that. I'd appreciate if someone could help me figure this out, as I'd started reading briefly before getting sidetracked.
Honestly, talk to him. That's the best way to figure this out. If you don't want the relationship to end then tell him that, but at the same time tell him how you truly feel about the situation.
Maybe you guys can start an open relationship if both of you are in the same boat. It seems you both like each other, but let's be honest, sometimes we want to fuck other people and that's okay!
And tell your brother to stay away from your man if you feel like it!
I highly recommend these books:
· Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/157344295X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_KUJACb1TCC91K
· The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399579664/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_iVJACbHYG8XA0
Well, I am not even such a horn dog in ordinary life, I just try to take every opportunity - and if you make yourself known as sex-loving, word gets around.
For real, one of my FWB's beats me to being sexual hands down. I've never ever - not once - seen her in a mood that would prevent sex. Whenever we are together, I can literally touch her at any minute and she'll be ready within a minute. I've never heard her complain about orgasm difficulties (and I have no reason to suspect she's faking it). It's great, but it also tells me how big the range between low/ordinary and supercharged sex drive must be. And I know her hubby and her had some relationship troubles because he felt intimidated - can't blame him to be honest. He's truly happy for her when we meet for a weekend because she'll be glowing for days - not because I am worlds best lover, but because I can keep up for like two or three days.
Which brings me to another point - there are different "schools" on how much contact there should be between partners. You have the "poly-tribes" or even "sister wifes" where contact is expected to be rather close. On the other hand, lots of (exp. men) try to keep it all separate and just will be gone for the night and not tell. I don't go to either extreme, but believe more in the former than the latter. I like to at least know the husbands of my partners and I like my gf to get to know other partners as well.
There's a stack of literature out there, for instance The Ethical Slut, maybe it would be worth reading some books?
Ah, I didn’t know you were in the room with them and had this info. Why didn’t you and OP post this together from the beginning.
I’m not a cheating apologist. Just letting some of the commenters here know that there are more relationship styles than committed monogamous lifetime partners.
And ethical non-monogamy isn’t cheating.
There are tons of resources for those curious about the fact that plenty of folks are looking beyond lifetime monogamous partners:
r/sex
Savage Lovecast podcast
https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Third-Practical-Relationships/dp/0399579664
https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X
Sex with Emily podcast