Reddit reviews The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You

I can relate well to what you say with regards to a specific tone of voice. A relationship I was in recently had a similar challenge. My partner would raise issues in what I interpreted as a reprimanding & condescending tone (I called it a teacher tone - a non-exploratory more I'm right dictatorship type of tone). It immediately put me on the defensive & shut me down emotionally (I believe HSPs are more prone to emotional flooding during conflict). I had to repeatedly ask for her to please adjust her tone. Sometimes we don't realize how we are coming across. It was only once I introduced her to NVC that she began to understand that her style of communication wasn't constructive. The way I understand NVC is that the tenet is all conflict arises from unfulfilled needs. NVC works by equipping you with the tools to be able to communicate those needs in a constructive manner. There are some videos you can watch to get an idea. It may sound a lot like fluff, but communication is one of the toughest relationship challenges we face and Marshall Rosenberg makes a lot of excellent points.

Also from my own experience, sensitivity around certain topics could also stem from conditioning from past experiences (I'm overly sensitive to authority figures - hence my strong negative reaction to the teacher tone). A slow process of reconditioning is needed to help with that, along with a great deal of patience and understanding from my partner. Check for patterns or themes that might emerge within your conflicts to try to pinpoint root causes. These may be a tell-tale sign of incompatibility (difference in values) or it could very well be repeated miscommunication. Over sensitivity can also be (as has been mentioned) due to additional pressure from situations or circumstances outside the relationship. Something else you can watch for is if your interactions involve the 4 horsemen of the apocolypse.

If you're willing to delve a bit deeper the book The Highly Sensitive Person in Love is an invaluable HSP relationship resource. There are chapters specifically on the types of challenges that you'll face as a non-HSP with an HSP as well as some of the benefits. Of all the resources listed here, I'd highly recommend you start with this as it contains a great deal of quality advice. Amazon link to the book

Lastly, I want to thank you for putting in the effort you have. It's clear that you value the relationship and you are working hard on it. It's not easy dealing with HSPs (I can be a very difficult person at times). But in the right environment, we can really thrive. And our partners will benefit from that. I hope that armed with these additional resources you'll make the right decision and that the both of you will be able to have less melt downs and more harmony.

> I'm not one for the jerry springer type relationship so, I just say "okay"

Disagreements aren't inherently bad things. You're allowed to have conflicting opinions, to be your own person. Standing up for those opinions, having passion for them, implies caring. People who have arguments that get heated, are showing each other that they have things that they care about, showing them the energy they have attached to those issues, something which can be very difficult to communicate. Rolling over turns those issues inward, and inhibits resolution. Resolution isn't a bad thing, settling issues means growing stronger in the relationship. Holding issues inside lets them build up, and it creates distance between two people, it leads to drifting.

This book covered it fairly well I think, among some other issues. Communication is important, some things need to be said in order to be dealt with, holding back because you don't know how to do that without creating "drama" is unhealthy and leads to unresolved issues.

The Highly Sensitive Person in Love

I don't know of any articles, but [this book](The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You https://www.amazon.com/dp/0767903366/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_z2.Eyb1TH3XY9) was recommended to me by my therapist. I'm still waiting for it to arrive, so I can't give a personal review, but it's well rated on Amazon.

Excellent book, I recommend it as well.
Elaine Aron coined the term HSP, and she is one herself. She knows her stuff :)

I am now reading another one of her books "The Highly Sensitive Person In Love", which discusses more about relationships (mostly romantic ones, but others as well). Learning how to maintain relationships sounds like a practical way of fighting the loneliness.

Edit: There are new issues from 2016 with updated research:

The Highly Sensitive Person

The Highly Sensitive Person in Love