Reddit reviews The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband
We found 13 Reddit comments about The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
I'm just coming out of a relationship where I moved across the country to live with a boy that probably has Asperger's and am kind of bitter and will probably offend people with this comment.
Do not move across the country to live with this boy. You will get more emotional support from your toaster than someone with obvious emotional deficits who denies that there is anything missing.
He's not going to change for the better without putting in a lot of effort and if he doesn't have a job (and routine) he might get worse. If you are a super emotionally secure person and have your shit together it might be possible but it's going to take a lot of work and new expectations from both of you, which can't happen if he doesn't think there's anything wrong. If he gets frustrated can he deal with it? Does he attempt to follow social norms when they become apparent or insist norms are stupid and he is right even if it causes the people around him to feel embarrassed and isolated?
My experience pretty much fucking sucked. No Christmas/Birthday presents, no calls if he wasn't coming home, getting publicly snapped at and told that I have panic attacks because I need to try harder, alienation from other friends because of how difficult he made group events, huge fights if I tried to vent about anything because why bring it up if I don't want him to fix it, all topped with any time I tried bring up his lack of empathy he would just shut down more. Basically any self-esteem I had a year ago is trashed.
I thought this book was really good as far as understanding this mindset, but also a picture of why I needed to get out of a relationship with someone who thought nothing was wrong. Journal of Best Practices
I'm 41 and only recently realized I may have it (still undiagnosed, but seeking.) I found The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood very helpful. Also anything by John Elder Robison. Relationship-wise, Journal of Best Practices by David Finch was good.
Check Amazon. They have quite a few titles. I'd definitely start witht this one:
The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome
Here are some others that I've read at least partway through. All have been useful to me in some measure.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Adult Asperger's Syndrome (Very academic look at ASD. I think it's actually a textbook based on the price. Includes lots of citations to published papers and some insight into what you should expect if you seek professional therapy)
I Think I Might Be Autistic (good starting point for the diagnosis process)
Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate (Just an autobiographical account of the author's experience with ASD, but still helpful to read IMO)
The Journal of Best Practices (for ASD/NT relationships)
Here are a couple more that I haven't read, but are on my "to-read" list, and seem to fit within the bounds of what you're looking for:
Look Me In the Eye
Be Different
He definitely sounds at least a little autistic. I'm not a doctor, but my husband is Asperger's. A good therapist can do wonders with him, and will diagnose him to see if this is really the issue.
If you want to learn more about Asperger's Syndrome, I suggest reading these books. They're my favorites, informational and very entertaining at the same time. The Journal of Best Practices and Look Me in the Eye. Also anything by Temple Grandin, she has full-blown autism, but she's so articulate and interesting you can learn a lot from her.
Good luck!
There's a sweet book called The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch which I recommend. It's more of a memoir than an advice book. I'm a women with aspergers married to an NT man, and some of the things that Finch talks about are more relevant to a man with aspergers, but I still found Finch's insights helpful. He talks about some of the things already mentioned here such as taking notes to remember what to do and why. I do this with my husband, e.g. "always greet him at the door (even if you're doing something interesting!) when he gets home from work because it makes him feel appreciated and welcomed", or "do NOT talk for a whole hour about Chinese soldiers in American refugee camps in the Korean War because he doesn't care and finds it difficult to be polite after the 5-10 minutes mark (imagine if he talked for an hour about Matt at Work and his Funny Anecdotes)".
In the first few years of our marriage, before I was diagnosed, my husband and I used to fight constantly about my social failings. It took a long time for him to come to terms with the idea that there are some things I just can't help: I'm never going to enjoy smalltalking in my second language with his parents (let alone my first language), I'm never going to be "normal" on the subway (I stim a lot in public; this embarrasses him), I'm never going to be able to go to a restaurant with his friends... and then go to a bar... and then go to karaoke... and then to another bar. But marriage is compromise. Instead of ambushing me with a phone call, he reminds me to text his parents once in a while. We take cabs or meet at places after work instead of riding the subway together. I'll go to the restaurant, and maybe the first bar, but I'll go home alone when it gets too much.
It requires a lot of self-insight... but since I'm naturally quite self-absorbed, that actually isn't a tall order. I've managed to structure my entire day around routines and lists. I just add the should-be-obvious relationship things to the list. I have a "Marriage Project" in my Todoist app that reminds me to do things like: compliment my husband on something (this can be rocky; I sometimes choose weird compliments, but hey, he finds some of my choices hilarious), ask him about his day, write down the names of his coworkers so I know wtf he's talking about when he tells me about his day, pick a movie he likes, buy a birthday card, etc.
I get that to some NTs it might seem, hmm, robotic? to have to set reminders to kiss my husband when he gets home from work. But it doesn't mean I love him less because I can't do it automatically. The fact that I went through the effort of developing and following through on the list requires more devotion and love than just doing it out of habit, surely?
I HIGHLY reccommend this book about a man with Asperger's figuring out how to do relationships successfully. Not just for marriage, but good ideas for romantic relationships.
The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T4KRJM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_apBADb51DSX8G
And if you're a guy:
The first book is a firsthand account of an Aspie who worked hard to improve himself and his relationship and documented the process. Very good book.
The second details transactional analysis of both casual and intimate relationships and how people interact iwth the concept of "strokes" during even the simplest interpersonal interactions. It's very eye opening about how people socialize and how they benefit from it, as well as why people fall into certain patterns. I'd say this book is an essential read for any aspie.
The last book is not directly aspergers related, but I think it's an important read for men who are struggling with their place in society, their feelings, and their lives in general.
I'll start with a couple.
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/458/play-the-part?act=2
This is an episode of the radio show This American Life about a wife and her husband who discover he has Aspergers. From this I learnt about tests for Aspergers, and that many of the signs of Aspergers are far from intuitive.
The husband is David Finch, author of the book Journal of Best Practices. I have not read this, but if anyone else has a review would be apprecited.
There's a book I've heard of but not read, called The Journal of Best Practices, which was written by a guy with Aspberger's, trying to codify interpersonal interactions that build relationships. His brain doesn't work that way, this is stuff that isn't meaningful to him, but he wanted to have a relationship, so he taught himself what other people just pick up.
I don't know, but maybe that would be of interest to you?
You should read this memoir. It describes a husband of five years who is diagnosed with Aspergers and how he and his wife worked together to save their marriage. It is really good.
I think women are different and it just depends on the person. I like him to commiserate with me. I like hugs sometimes (unless he's the one that made me cry in which case that hug better be an apology hug) and for my feelings to be acknowledged. Not a chocolate fan. I'm more of an oatmeal raisin cookie fan.
And just let me say your post really warms my heart. My son has Aspergers and I worry about him finding someone to love someday. You have no idea how incredibly sweet and endearing I find this post. This just made me happy.
And because I can't control myself when it comes to recommending books have you heard about The Journal of best Practices?
By any chance have you ever read The Journal of Best Practices? It's a memoir by a man with Asperger's who tries to be a better husband. It's a good read regardless and you might find some insights.
Assuming the statistical probably that you are heterosexual, then I have to admit that being a gay dude in a major city has its advantages.
That said I have had many ADHD/AS people of various genders and orientations in my life, some of whom have done exceptionally well dating/fucking. I don't know you or what your situation is so I don't know what to say in particular so here is some spitballing that may or may not be helpful.
I have heard The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband is good though I haven't read it, and of course it skips a couple of steps (assumes you have a wife). From what I understand though it might have some ideas about how to turn what might be a deficit into a benefit.. in general I think people with neuroatypicalities have an opportunity to really think about, learn about, and practice things in a way that wouldn't occur to someone who was naturally good at it.
Like about 200 times in my life someone has said "You can't had ADHD! you are so organized!". In fact it takes me loads of time and effort to maintain what would be an effortless level of function for other people. BUT I am particularly good at organizing things in shared spaces so that they can be used effectively by many other people. And sometimes everything falls apart and I can't even do that.
At my job I am in charge organizing supply rooms and various other systems, which is a bit weird for someone with ADHD. This is because unlike most normal people I have taken the time to read about 20 books and consume lots of other information on the subject of organization, information architecture, accessible design etc. I have also made many more errors personally so I am more easily able to consider problems that could happen. And since I know I don't think like other people, I don't assume other people think like me, and I can avoid the problems caused by such assumptions (which, in many many situations, is truely a gift).
If you are the kind of person who "gets into things" you can see about "getting into" this as a project; think about it systematically. It is unlikely you will be able to jump right into casual hookups if you are straight; even neurotyical hetero men find this difficult/impossible. Women have many reasons for not wanting to engage in this sort of thing, mostly due to 20,000 of patriarchy. So that's something you just need to deal with, try to be better, and maybe in the future straight ppl can enjoy more relaxed relationships.
You will probably end up doing steps 1-3 many times before getting any further. This is normal and happens to everybody. Easier said than done but try not to hang your self esteem on any interactions. it's all a part of learning. Keep notes if that helps you.
Best case scenario would be to have someone whose judgement you trust to confide in and help you with reflection. Someone who will not tear you apart but help you to reflect constructively.
One thing I would caution though if you decide to make a project of this is to stay well away from "pickup artists" or anyone else associated with "men's rights" as they are a toxic, hateful group of people who are associated with all kinds of horrible shit. There are lots of resources online specifically for atypical people. Look for them. A good general place to start is Dan Savage. he has a podcast going back a decade and an advice column going back to the early 90s. He has good judgement. Search his archives.
Oh and one last thing--- there is a lot of stigma about sex workers in this culture but they do provide valuable services (if you can afford them!). I have known lots of sex workers in my life and all of them have worked with people in these sorts of situations. Also I've known neuroatypical people who have been very happy customers. It could be the obvious, such as getting your rocks off so you aren't so edgy. But if you look, you will find someone who will be willing to function as an educator/coach (which could include fucking or dating by way of practice, or not). They are the true sex experts. If you have friends who are sex workers or clients, referral is the best way to go. If not you'll have to do some digging online, which is getting more difficult because of new sex-negative laws that are being passed. But sex workers and clients are a very motivated and resourceful group of people, so they will always find ways around.
You can thank vyvanse for the above.. now I have to get to work.
hth!