Reddit Reddit reviews The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment

We found 13 Reddit comments about The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

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The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment
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13 Reddit comments about The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment:

u/Someoneier · 47 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

My husband has NParents and I absolutely agree with setting boundaries. Some good baselines:

  • Never, ever, meet without an escape plan. Going to stay at her house for a few days? Keep as much as possible packed and pre-warn a nearby friend that you might need to crash if things go south. EDIT: I see you don't own a vehicle. You need to rent one or have some other escape route so YOU control your arrival/departure. If your husband has good friends nearby who wouldn't mind rescuing you that's a possibility, but don't leave yourselves at his mom's mercy. That's a recipe for disaster. I even think the Uncle-plan is a bad one unless Uncle is fully on-board with crazy mom, because if you're like "We need to go" and he thinks you should enable NMom's bad behavior... it'll be an issue.

  • Never step back a boundary in response to good behavior. Suppose you left because she attacked. Then she apologizes and wants you to return. NO. She lost this chance. You simply say, "Thank you. We accept your apology. We will come back to visit you some other time." This enforces real consequences to her bad behavior and doesn't allow her to yo-yo you for her own entertainment.

  • Keep information to a minimum. Good topics of conversation include: Things you did that are already over and done with. Pop culture. The weather. Bad topics include: Anything that you are in the middle of, anything you plan to do soon, anything you are considering doing, anything anyone is worried about, anything that could be used as a weapon against anyone

  • Try to identify and pre-eliminate problem areas. Example: My MIL has a habit of buying grossly inappropriate gifts that are often explicitly against our expressed desires. (Pretend I have a fear of snakes and imagine her giving my kid snake-themed gifts. Also buying child-unsafe toys for a child.) So, with Christmas coming up, when I found a great deal on something I wanted to get my son... we passed word to her that there was this thing he'd really love and it was a great deal. Yeah, super-nice gift is now from NGramma, but he's not getting crap I don't want that pisses me off. Other examples might include eating out when she comes to visit if she has a habit of criticizing your cooking.


    I also strongly recommend this book to you. It helped me a lot in understanding my husband's insane family and helping recognize many of my husband's FLEAs (ill behaviors acquired by proximity to mentally ill people). Feel free to PM me if you need to vent/chat any time. I love my husband but marrying into an NFamily has been a world of hurt.
u/Kondothatshit · 10 pointsr/actuallesbians

You just reminded me of something else -- I bet her doctor training had mostly trained her to pay attention / make eye contact in an evaluative way? Skipping over a popscience explanation that is probably half-right anyway, evaluative attention is kind of off-putting and can preclude connection (and I assume attunement?). Supposedly there are physical differences in the physiological cues we give when we're paying attention to evaluate something (to understand it or assess it for threat or whatever) than when we are paying attention with open curiosity, and we pick up on stuff like that.

Ok yeah let me put together a book list (that last stuff was from The Charisma Myth)...

HELPFUL BOOKS (sorry for formatting, I'm on mobile)

u/[deleted] · 6 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

They painted the whole world purple for you from day one in regards to responsibility. When that's all you've ever known or seen, you're not going to suddenly decide to start to fill the interior of your house with green stuff! :)

I'm glad it was helpful - I read a book the other day called The Narcissistic Family that really helped, it has examples of exercises they recommend to therapists to help reframe thinking. It's $30 which is a bit much but I'm buying a copy for everyone in my family and think it's well worth the cost if it's in your budget! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0787908703/ref=redir_mdp_mobile

u/Wandering_Tale · 5 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

>but I know that my underlying feelings about myself have not changed and I keep falling into the same bad ruts as a result


I know how you feel. I've been there. Here's my thoughts on what you described and how I got better :


  1. Change doctors, change therapists, change medication, change approaches, anything, just get out of there. Two years of treatement with only minor benefits is a definitive red flag. Whatever those specialists are doing, no matter how good or well-intentioned it is, it's obviously not appropriate for your condition. Feeling improvement should not take two years. Also, the shema therapy is a very intellectual approach that's not for everyone. Maybe try a more patient-centered approach so your feelings are allowed to get out unfiltered. The schematic approach failed me consistently. The humanist approach saved me.


  2. Stop trying to figure out how your family became who they are and why they treated you the way they did. The longer you do that, the more you play into the narcissistic game : you spend time and energy on other people instead of yourself. At one point, you have to give up on others and focus on figuring out yourself. When you're feeling unhappy or troubled, it's not your job to understand other people. It's your job to focus on yourself. Use what little energy reserves you have to heal yourself.


  3. From what you describe, you totally fit into being the child of narcissist parents. Not trusting people, not trusting gifts, the impression of being "too broken" for anyone to love are things that come up often. These are normal feelings to have after being subject to so much abuse and having your feelings so neglected. Here's a book I recommend : http://www.amazon.ca/The-Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703


  4. "I can't teach my brain to treat myself with love and respect because in my heart, I don't believe that I am deserving of love or respect." YES YOU CAN teach your brain that. It's difficult, but it's possible. The brain is a muscle. Just like every other muscle in your body, it was shaped through repetition. All your life you were probably told you were worthless, so your brain lifted that low self-esteem weight a million times. It's now a world champion in horrible weight-lifting. It's now all reflex actions. Others = bad. Others = pain. Me = unloveable. But it IS possible to calm that muscle down (medication) and teach it new gym routines (therapy). Such as others = good and gifts = love. It's a very long road, but it is possible.


  5. "I am wary of letting anyone be "that person" in my life because other people are unpredictable and they will hurt me eventually" Of course, shutting yourself down prevents bad stuff to happen to you. But at the same time you prevent the good stuff from getting in. And you need that good stuff to heal.


  6. Give yourself time. We ACoNs start with a huge life handicap. We started "late". We were held back against our will. We didn't have the same support growing up so it's normal that we struggle in adult life. Don't try to burn through lost time to "catch up". Go at your own pace. There is nothing in life that says you must have this career and have slept with that amount of people to finally be at the same level of success of other, non-abused people.
u/starry-starry-starry · 3 pointsr/trolledbynarcissists

Basically. In The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment (I can't recommend this book enough), narcissistic families are described as families in which the needs of the parents come before the needs of the children. I think that could also apply to abusive families.

No, children don't come with instruction manuals, but there are plenty of parenting books out there. But again, like you said, they are too self-absorbed to seek out such books.

u/smutsmutsmut · 3 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

I've let him know. It's hard to understand something so disordered when he comes from something healthier, which I totally get. He's trying. Someone messaged me a book that they said helped:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703

At least this whole experience is helping me begin the conversation. I'm not ashamed. You know what? My mom told me throughout my entire life that family matters were SECRET and that I needed to keep them private. That was to keep me under her control and to keep the household sick. I find that talking about it is liberating and healing. FH needs to know about this abuse, but it's going to happen on his time, not mine.

u/Yolerbear · 2 pointsr/Enneagram

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0787908703/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1466551952&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=narcissistic+family+system

Have you read that book? It helped me a lot. It gives an objective take on the simple dynamics that arise in a "narcissistic family system". It's technically distinct from NPD because it looks at the family dynamics surrounding a narcissist rather than at the narcissists themselves. It held a lot of truth for me. This new situation for you will probably require you to explore the situation with your mother again as that stuff is one of the deepest layers to peel back to, so an objective re-exploration of yourself through that lens may be helpful.

And thanks! Most people commiserate not congratulate when I share that, so it's nice to hear from someone who knows what it's like. The way I explain it when people react by saying "I'm sorry, that's really terrible" is this: imagine having a 100lb weight tied to your ankle for your whole life. It's always been there, and you just assumed it was part of your body. Now imagine one day, you decide to take it off. Is that sad?" It's a vast oversimplification, but is more or less accurate.

In terms of the ugliness, I'll just say keep exploring yourself and keep searching for deeper truth. It seems like you're doing that already, and aren't questioning that path, I just wanted to affirm it. It's the right thing, and it will guide you to the answers you're looking for and to the happiness and clarity you're seeking. Trust that you'll get through the short term, because you will, and you will come out smarter than before.

The double life thing: basically when I was a kid I withdrew and experienced my real pleasures internally while putting on a mindless act for my parents in the physical world. As I grew and became more independent, I still maintained the act, but increasingly had places where my parents had no eyes or ears. My conversations with them had nothing to do with what I felt, even though I spoke with them often. I was split between the life I projected I was leading to them and the life I was leading for myself. It wasn't a clear line distinction because I would only dare stray so far from the projected life patterns in my "private" life, but the line was there nonetheless. I think this divide helps lead 9's to drugs, etc. in other cases, though I never got much into that kind of thing.

Do you know your mbti type btw?

u/Indon_Dasani · 2 pointsr/Advice

> I can’t get help on most problems because my mom doesn’t “believe” in mental illness or abusive parenting.

Hmm. Do you have reasonably private library access? People could point you to books that might help out your situation, like The Narcissistic Family, a book about helping the children of narcissistic parents recover.

u/Where2cop857 · 1 pointr/aznidentity

Yes. Borderline Personality Disorder mother and a Narcissiric Personality Disorder (though this diagnosis is rarely given because narcissists rarely seek therapy unless they are forced to or suffer a flash of light live-changing usually traumatic experience where their narcissism no longer can protect their false dreamt-up reality using others as ‘narcissistic supply’)

My parents sandwiched me growing up with their V-spot BPD-NPD real-self dance when they inadvertently and advertenly activate each others’ false selfs and defense mechanism who are unable to procure true real romantic intimacy to support an authentic true-self loving household therefore inflicting role-reversal enmeshed narcissistic abuse onto their self-esteem identity/indivislity developing children.

https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-romantic-bpd-relationships-425217

https://www.amazon.com/Malignant-Self-Love-Narcissism-Sam-Vaknin/dp/8023833847

https://openlibrary.org/books/OL7270096M/Search_For_The_Real_Self

Which is why hordes of internet schizoid-like Internet-type dudes are trying to resolve their fundamental core inability to expresss true genuine feelings of true intimacy with friends, relationships, others, etc. because of a ‘beta’ father and an ‘abusive’ mother in a dysfunctionla nuclesr family structure, if at all. And we live in an escapist dreamworld trying to live vicariously through Hollywood superheroes to imitate — or for the Asian community an idealized person to guide and relate to; the idealized Asian father figure to sooth and ameliorate our lack of identity, self-esteem development, and masculinity.

Luckily for me, my father was masculine so I have no problems standing on my own two feet with dudes of all backgrounds (hustlers, ex-cons, and blue-collar, nerds, etc.) but the romantic part is very difficult for me right now because of an emotionally toxic mother with no immediate female relatives to relate to as a child. This is why long-term insight-oriented psycho dynamic talk therapy is critical to address the identity issues and garner a stable self-image and develop healthy self-esteem building in a ‘safe-space’ private dedicated session with an if good objective psychoanalytic psychoanalyst/psychotherapist. But HMOs/insurance/self-pay don’t want to pay for this only to cheap out with superfiscal cognitive-behavioral “jussss change ur thoughts about the ordeal” approach, rather than bringing about unresolved unconscious intrapsychic conflicts from (early) childhoods that arrests our core identity development/self-esteem building (confidence) as individuals in this “I”-centered Westernsphere whereas conversely Confucianism culture of asserting direct confrontation of “I” or “you’re xyz” is vehemently disrespectful in the interpersonal culture of indirection.

...but Confucianism/Buddhism teaches us we must embrace suffering and self/sacrifice for a better successive generation tomorrow. Our immigrant parents bring this collectivism mindset but to navigate American life, we must assert ourselves as independent functioning individuals with self-stability and self-constancy of who we are. Simply said, the West values the individual irrespective of the family despite the aristocratic lineage rhetoric as Hollywood always admires a great rags-to-riches underdog movie. Whereas the Confucianism East desires to maintain peace, harmony, order and peaceful resistance of nonconfrontation.

However, the irony is that growing up in the Anglosphere we have to garner a dialetically diametrically opposed dualistic strategy of collectivist Confucianism at home and individualist identity in the non-Asian real-world. The village community doesn’t respect the individual because you’re deviating from the social norm and ingroup clique and their collectively shared self-esteem and group identity. Whereas the West cherishes the Johnny Appleseed wanderer, Lewis and Clark expeditions, the visionary dreamer for whatever xyz dreamt-up upotia. The East wants to maintain the Confucius scholar-beaurcrat hierarchy. Essentially, America’s narrative is to explore and find family and a sense of community as an individual leaving home, whereas the East wrt to China desires to maintain internal social stability our 5000 Han Chinese homogenous familial hierarchical family. And it is no mistake that the Asian-to-Asian connection is vehemently ingrained into our inner concious fabric through generations of solidarity until our ancestors lost out our internal familial peace where the Qing dynasty failed his people to the West/Japan with the Century of Humiliation.

Western religious history and narrative is one fraught with master-slave savior-savee god and his followers and competing interpretations of the biblical texts therefore causing seemingly intergenerationally perpetual Holy War conflicts, aggresive exploitation of religious enemies, and war to conquest others to occupy religious superiority and “englightrnment” to them through pillaging villages and indoctrinating the “superior” religion into others through newly erected religious institutions. ....Confucianism has none of that. Heck, Buddha respects his followers worshipping of other Gods. Though the other religions respect you for worshipping other Gods is of their own issue.

Additionally Confucianism culture teaches us to not seek for extraneous help for fear of looking weak (maintaining ‘perception amnagement’ just like we curate our happy social-media happy moment reel to manipulate a certain image in the shared 3rd digital/cyberspace dimensional realities) and keep family matters private as to not air-out dirty laundry in order to ‘save face’ and not being shame to the family name — as in defeat and loss of status. But the crux of the matter is that the family systems dynamic is vehemently unhealthy due to intergenerational trauma and familial tug-of-war narcissism, especially given that immigrant parents self-sacrifice to economically bust their butts but along cling onto their children for emotional security in this new foreign world as we try to forge our own narratives and identity. The more we grow to be American with individuality,the more it counteracts the intergenerational Confucianism familial planning in the name of maintaining the preservation the lineage successive dynastic ‘family name’. (Indians are in the extreme with arranged marriages) Luckily for me my parents despite their narcissism are open-minded cosmopolitan individuals and don’t mind me Americanizing and imposed any racial dating restrictions.

The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment https://www.amazon.com/dp/0787908703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_rA1-AbZS1J063

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_dB1-AbVQXAZTN

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers https://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_NB1-AbN0P827E

Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572245611/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ND1-Ab94P47XX

u/Frozenlazer · 1 pointr/Showerthoughts

You should read The Narcissistic Family Amazon . It has helped me and some others like yourself.

u/Katmyst · 1 pointr/infj

I recently had to deal with this too (34 and just found out that my dad was a toxic narcissist..) and honestly, finding a psychologist has been THE most helpful thing I've ever done. However, they can be expensive so I know it's not an option for everyone. I'm lucky because my benefits cover 5 sessions a year.

The next best thing I can recommend is to read the book called "The Narcissistic Family " https://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703. It's a bit pricey (for a book) because it's actually written for other psychologists. However, it's written in a way that anyone can understand and offers many tips and treatment options that you can actually apply yourself.

Sending lots of love and support to you... it's not an easy path but it is very rewarding and freeing.

​

u/heart_of_hearts · 1 pointr/NoFap

I can relate to many of the things you are describing and think that it might be helpfull for you to read the book The Narcissistic Family by Donaldson-Pressman and Pressman. It has been my bible these past months and have finally for the first time in my life made it possible to relate to and connect my childhood-experience and who/what I am today. But best of all it shows a way out of these old and fimiliar pastterns in a practical way that doesnt rely on forgivving or blameing anyone. Best of luck on your journey! (Link to book: http://www.amazon.com/The-Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703)