Reddit reviews The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study
We found 12 Reddit comments about The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
We found 12 Reddit comments about The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Your ex is really cruel. I'm sorry he's doing this to you, that's bullshit. He cheated and it was not your fault. He was a disloyal asshole and is now trying to blame you and continue rationalizing his actions to himself.
As for telling the kids, yeah that is hard. As someone said above, it could really backfire on you. :/ If you can get therapy and work out the right option for you with a trusted professional, that's the best route. I will say, however, that there has been research done that shows that children of divorces wherein the reasons are unclear do WORSE long term than children who are told the reasons. https://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161 I am one of those cases. My parents divorced and I wasn't told much about why at the time or even when I was past university. In my own case, I very much wish I had been told when I was 16. Ha, maybe it could have helped me avoid becoming a poster here. ;) That is sort of a joke, but I do think the unresolved and deeply confusing trauma of the divorce probably had some small part to play in choosing men who treat me like shit, over and over again, and push away the good ones. :/
But, yeah, we cant't really know your situation, we don't know you or your daughter. We do know that your husband is a raging asshole, though! ;) But you do need to really think hard on this and getting a lot of support from people who DO know you is key.
okay
The experience of divorce can also create problems that do not appear until the late teenage years or adulthood. In 2000 in a book entitled The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study, Judith Wallerstein, then at the University of California, Berkeley, and her colleagues present detailed case studies suggesting that most adults who were children of divorce experience serious problems such as depression and relationship issues.
Read the 1 star reviews. Wallerstein's study is overblown and has been questioned by many. It was not scientific, but is more used as a cornerstone of telling people not to divorce. I know a lot of people who grew up in single parent households and they turned out just fine. Remember that the people that tout her work are staunchly anti-divorce. That should raise an eyebrow. When somebody says they have a study proving cigarettes are good for you, you might want to question their motives.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark/product-reviews/0786886161/ref=cm_cr_dp_qt_hist_one?ie=UTF8&filterByStar=one_star&showViewpoints=0
https://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161
I read this book: http://www.amazon.com/The-Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark/dp/0786886161 to better understand how my parents' divorce impacted me, and she says the same thing.
When parents pool their resources (emotional, financial), its easier for kids to live their lives, unimpacted by parental unit problems.
You don't "get past it". It's a sad part of your life. You have to process it as best you can, and acknowledge that it's a part of your history. But it also does not have to define you. The first thing you need to do is to get real with your parents and insist that you cannot be in the middle. They need to understand that their divorce was THEIR decision but it harmed YOU. Either of them asking you to choose sides is dishonest, unfair, and not something a loving parent should ever do. You are not a refree, you are collateral damage from their failings and they need to grasp this. So start by being respectfully honest and refusing to be the middleman.
This event in your life will have lasting consequences for you. You need to decide whether you want those to be positive or negative consequences. I HIGHLY recommend you read this book:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark/dp/0786886161/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1341547887&sr=8-2&keywords=legacy+of+divorce
It will give you a preview of coming attractions and serve to warn you about how the divorce may sneak up to you as you get older.
I raised a step-child that was product of divorce and have seen the devastation it wreaks with children. It's tragic and it's disgusting what angry people will put their own children through. But I am happy to report that adjustment, success, and peace are possible for people like you. Today I am "Dad" not the revolting lowlife that abandoned their child - effectively into my arms.
Feel whatever you feel, but know that peace, love, and a happy life are very much a possibility for you. It starts with honesty, and it's ultimately up to you to manage.
I wish you the very best ...
P.S. Panic attacks are very real. The best cure for them is heavy exercise. When you can run 5 miles you won't have much energy left for a panic attack :)
>The psych literature seems to indicate that parents fighting is what fucks kids up, rather than parents divorcing per se.
Not all of it does. There is a school of thought that divorce is going to fuck your kids up no matter what - and the effects are long-term, not just in the years immediately after the breakup. That said, low-conflict divorce is obviously better than high-conflict divorce.
Judith Wallerstein has written a few books summarizing studies on the effects of divorce on children. E.g. https://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161 . You might find them interesting.
Really cool story man. I appreciate the openness of the story. It is amazing how powerful family can be both in good and bad. This post made me think of a book I am half way through called the unexpected legacy of divorce. My parents split when I was two and this book is shedding some light on how my siblings and I act in my eyes. PM me for info, you get a card :)
Wrong. If you can handle the Big Words, go read this. It's a 25 year study of divorce that utterly refutes your claim:
https://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161
Who am I? Someone with a conscience. Someone who thinks children shouldn't be fashion accessories in "relationships". Someone who thinks it should be hard for parents to split up because their children do way, way better when they stay together - even in crappy relationships, as the study above demonstrates. Someone who thinks minor children deserve maximal protection. Someone who thinks that when your reproduce, you degrees of freedom necessarily get diminished.
It used to be that only white trash or the ghetto underclass lived like this. Now every self important prat thinks they're cool when they spew forth children without the inconveniences of an actual marriage contract. I'll damn well judge all I want. People with your mindset are blight on civil society. What you defend is a subtle form of child abuse.
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> Also, stop using your kid as an excuse to do anything
Well, I am reading this currently: https://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161
which is written by a woman scientist. Not sure if that means that the study is biased.
Though, I know damn well how hypergamy works. Hypergamy was the only reason we got together in the first place.
I understand why she is doing what she is doing. She does not perceive me as a valuable asset due to my recently acquired low status.
Separating bank accounts and financials. Renting my own apartment. Disregarding everything except myself are acts in my own interest in that regard.
Sure I've got a lot of way to go, but I just started. I understand how dread works. But first of all comes financial stability.
So the question was, should I improve within the marriage or without. And the answer I understand from you is:
> "Apply the same strategies that work on all single childless males from TRP
I thought MRP would give a shit about children and marriage and give an alternative approach than just nexting your wife, if things turn ugly.
Edit: Though I bookmarked your comment for later inspection. Thanks for that.