Reddit Reddit reviews Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

We found 39 Reddit comments about Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

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39 Reddit comments about Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship:

u/BonkersVonFeline · 54 pointsr/relationship_advice

TL;DR: Run.

This reminds me of a story I read recently on another forum where a woman's husband of something like 20 years up and decided he wanted to be polyamorous (open relationships with multiple lovers). To make matters worse, he and everyone else (including her therapist) were telling her she should be more "loving" and "accepting" of his decision and remain in the (now open) marriage with him. She was completely devastated. This seems to be the tone of some of the responses here and frankly I find it sickening because this advice could potentially be pretty destructive to you if you buy into it.

I think you feeling NOT OK about your girlfriend becoming a stripper is completely valid and that MOST PEOPLE would feel the SAME way. I know I would. I support people being strippers, and I support people going to strip clubs, but it's just not for me. If you are really not OK with this, then I think it would be healthiest for you to fully accept your feelings and to make it a bottom line that if she continues she'll be ending the relationship. END OF DISCUSSION. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. People typically only want to "discuss" it or to have you explain yourself so they can manipulate you into changing your mind. If you're NOT OK with it then I think it would be in your best interest to put your foot down and tell her so and not discuss it further. YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A GOOD REASON OR ANY AT ALL. If you don't like it, then you don't like it. That's how it is. Her friend doesn't need to be apart of the discussion either because it's none of her fucking business.

I don't CARE if it's 2012 - you DO NOT have to support her decision. What a crock of BS. I could understand you supporting her and STILL breaking up with her because it's NOT OK with you, but you DO NOT have to support her decision AND still continue in a relationship with her. You don't have to let ANYONE manipulate you into believing this is OK if it's NOT OK with you.

And frankly, I'm less concerned with her wanting to be a stripper and more with HOW she has approached this. She straight up abused you to manipulate you into supporting her decision. It sounds to me like she already made up her mind and was just letting you know about her decision (which is BS). She didn't like you disagreeing with her, so she became irrationally angry with you, called you names, gave you bullshit excuses why this is "good" (for her), and she even used her friend to gang up on you and try and make you feel sick and crazy about how you feel. This is disgusting behavior and a recipe for a very unhappy life for you if you continue with her. I would shut these toxic, unhealthy tactics down completely - you do NOT deserve this treatment. Throw your bottom lines on the table and walk away. A bottom line isn't up for discussion. If she continues, then follow through and walk away. I think it's as simple as that.

Even if you ultimately determine that you don't have a problem with her stripping, my concern is that she's shown you how she handles major decisions - she makes them, lets you know about them (no discussion) and if you communicate your dislike of her decision, she'll abuse you until you back down and allow her to do what she wants. You're NOT being a progressive, open and understanding man by being so "cool" about this and by not getting angry. Getting angry relative to her actions here would be TOTALLY understandable and healthy. You don't have to do anything violent, but maybe that anger would motivate you into kicking her to the curb and maybe you'd be happier you did, rather than sticking around for her to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants and you better just like it or else. There are many people out there who would never think to just up and make major life decisions like this and abuse you for not liking it. You deserve better then this, but better probably isn't going to come along until you DECIDE to stop putting up with toxic bullshit.

If you're really ambivalent about this relationship, I recommend reading Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. This book helped me tremendously, especially chapter 14 on RESPECT.

Good luck.

u/eclecticmom · 25 pointsr/thebachelor

UGH I've said this in other threads about him not changing diapers but TANNER ACTS EXACTLY LIKE MY EX-HUSBAND.


Jade, girl, just please read this book and consider whether this is really what you want.

u/ToughKitten · 23 pointsr/AskWomen

My major reddit participation is deadbedrooms. Some dude came over to my sub to post about how his wife was violently gang raped as a child and won't allow anal sex and how anal is the ultimate symbol of love and trust. He was downvoted into oblivion, my sub gave him a piece of our mind and deleted his post and then reposted to R/sex and r/marriedredpill. I followed him and doled out my votes and yes I made a comment saying I think he is not trolling, but actually as fucked up as he seems.

Yes, I read about all sorts of things that I find interesting and anything that I think will help my marriage, including books by Helen Fisher, books from support groups, books about bad relationships, and self-helpy red-pilly books

One can engage with philosophies while remaining critical and of ones own thoughts. Or at least I can. I'm comfortable learning about things I disagree with. However, my participation in that sub was motivated by my dislike and revulsion for a poster whom even the redpill had mostly disgust.

u/maryjanesandbobbysox · 22 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

> needs me to sustain our current lifestyle.

> She can't do it by herself.

> she wont be able to take the dog with her

> She loves me. She needs me


Are you too wrapped up in caring for her? This sounds kind of co-dependent or something.

You're worried about ruining her, about crushing her, that she can't do stuff on her own, that she can't take the dog with her....

Does she spend even 1/4 of the the time being this concerned for your needs??


If you haven't read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship you might find it helpful

> for selfish reasons?

Wanting a great sex life with your spouse isn't selfish.


u/[deleted] · 9 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay WITH HIM before you decide anything...

Later on in this thread you state pretty confidently that there is NO WAY this is PPD and that this has been going on for much longer... Was it going on before you got pregnant?

>My husband is USAF and works 12 hours shifts Mon-Fri, he has weekend duty every other weekend.

He is FUCKING EXHAUSTED

>He complains about work, about being tired, about having to (oh heavens NO!) feed his daughter maybe once every two days, and maybe just maybe change a diaper once in a while.. He's not the same person I married and this is killing me...

Work probably sucks, he is probably tired, do you work outside the home? I know it must be lonely and overwhelming to be the sole caretaker of a newborn infant, but if he is working his ass off so you can stay at home and care for the baby, while not completely FAIR, it is understandable that he might feel resentment being asked to do these things... It's not like he's working 9-5 with weekends off and can volunteer to get up with the baby for a few hours so you can get some sleep...

>I've done everything for him since the very first day we met, I gave up my dreams, school, my friends, family and home to be with him, he's the magnetic center for my whole world.

How old are you two? Have you considered that maybe YOU have changed in HIS eyes? If you really have done EVERYTHING for him throughout your entire relationship; How do you think it feels for him to have lost your undivided attention due to the baby?

>I don't remember the last time I saw him have fun, or really enjoy life at all.

No offense, but it doesn't sound like he has ANYTHING in his life worth enjoying... A wife who is unhappy with him, a horrible job, horrible hours, horrible living conditions, the stress of a new baby... From what you've said, he only gets two weekends off a month, and after 4 weeks of 60-80 hour work weeks, how frustrated do you think YOU would be to have to change a diaper and feed a baby?

>He used to be the sweetest most laid back person I've ever met. He wanted to do stuff with me, he wanted to listen to what I had to say and once in a while he'd let us rent the movie I wanted to watch.. but now he's just so angry and selfish, I don't know what changed..

Well, when did it start?

I don't mean to "take his side" in this, but it is always helpful to put yourself in the other person's shoes...

Congratulations on your new baby. Another good book for you to check out would be Raising a Daughter... It might help you look at the future of your marriage in a different light... You already know how important healthy relationship examples are for little girls...

u/anarchyisntchaos · 9 pointsr/Divorce

You could try reading the book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay"

u/jplewicke · 9 pointsr/slatestarcodex

> If this goes on for days, I progressively end up in a more depressed/helpless state. Making decisions gets difficult, even something as simple as picking an item off a menu. Confidence at work or with any other hobbies gets low enough that I stop doing or achieving much of anything.

This is a very classic "freeze" response, also known as dissociation. Basically, if you're pushed into fight/flight long enough or persistently enough, you'll start freezing up. That makes it difficult to concentrate, difficult to connect to other people, and even difficult to take concrete actions like picking something up. It's one end of trauma-related emotional disregulation, with the other being fight/flight/anxiety/anger. It's very common for unchecked verbal aggression to put people into a state like that. It's also decently likely that you have some form of trauma history that made you more vulnerable to freezing up like that, and that made it difficult for you to get angry enough to push back when she becomes verbally aggressive with you. I'd suggest reading In An Unspoken Voice to learn more about how we get stuck in these fight/flight/freeze responses.

> The only consistent recommendation I see, besides medication, is DBT. What does that mean, for someone without good access to medical care? Buy her a workbook and tell her to read it?

You could try to do that, but it doesn't sound like she has either a lot of insight into how her behavior is harmful or a strong motivation to change. Most likely the best thing that you can do is to focus on improving your own ability to advocate for yourself, to understand what's happening in this situation, and to get clarity about your own conscious and unconscious patterns of thinking and reacting that keep you stuck in this situation. This is unfortunately a "put your own oxygen mask on first" kind of situation.

On another note, DBT might actually be really helpful for you. One area it covers is emotional regulation, or learning to work on your emotional responses so that you can respond in a way that fits the situation. That includes learning about the different basic emotion types (Anger/Shame/Fear/Guilt/Envy/Happiness/Sadness/Love/Jealousy), learning when they fit the facts of a situation, and also learning to recognize when you're skipping past the appropriate emotional reaction and jumping to another one. For example, it sounds like when your wife gets angry at you over nothing, you skip right past anger and into fear/shame/sadness. If you can afford it or are covered, it might be worth finding a DBT therapist to help you work on that. If you can't, this is the workbook that my therapist used with me.

> What can a person like me do to be more resilient to verbal aggression/abuse?

Learning to set boundaries for yourself is probably the key skill to get started with. There's a lot of confusion about boundaries out there. Sometimes it sounds like it's something that other people are responsible for ("they should respect my boundaries"), or that they're responsible for enforcing them once we communicate them. Instead, a boundary is an action that we commit to take ourselves in order to maintain our self-respect and ability to function. It could be something like "If someone is yelling at me or calling me names, then I will leave the area." Frequently, it's helpful to have a series of planned boundary-maintaining actions so that you don't have to take drastic action off the bat -- so in that example, you could plan to first ask the person to stop yelling, then leave the room if they won't stop, then leave the house if they follow you and keep yelling, then stay somewhere overnight if they keep yelling when you come back, then move out temporarily if they won't stop when you come back, then end the relationship if you can't come back without being yelled at.

Other times when people talk about boundaries it sounds like we should just already know what our boundaries are, when in reality it's a really messy difficult heart-breaking process to discover first that something is unacceptable to you and then that you're willing to enforce a boundary to prevent it. There may be significant new emotions or memories of past situations that you have to become comfortable with in order to -- for example, you may be deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being alone or seeing someone else suffering when they claim that it's your fault, and it may be related to difficulties in your childhood or past that seem similar.

There's also a significant chance that you've internalized at some level that you're responsible for your wife's emotional reactions, or that you've done something wrong, or that this is normal. So there's a significant ongoing rediscovery aspect where you'll revisit past relationship conflicts and go "Wait, that's not my fault at all!"

The other thing you can do is to look into whether you might be exhibiting codependent behaviors or in a trauma bond. No More Mr Nice Guy is a decent guide to working on this, although it's a little bit much to handle if you're still in the thick of it emotionally. You can also read When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

> What's the healthy approach towards me getting some kind of support system/network?

Keep on posting here regularly, for one. You can also take a look at /r/Divorce (I've been assuming from the comments from your friends that you're married -- apologies if I'm getting that wrong). I assume you've seen /r/BPDlovedones/ , but it might be worth reading their recommended resources. Work on exercising regularly, see a therapist or couples therapist if you can, try talking to any friends you have that haven't been dismissive before. A light 10-20 minute/day meditation practice might be helpful with learning about your thoughts and emotions, but there can be complications with large amounts of meditation if you have a trauma history or are in a stressful situation (see this book and this guide if you want to pursue that route).

Also just spend time with friends and social groups even if they're not resources for talking about your relationship. It can be important to remember that social relationships can just be fun/light and to provide a counterbalance.

> So... is there any healthy middle ground between "suffer through it, don't talk about it, relationships take work" and "run away, AWALT, borderlines are crazy"?

The middle ground is to work on asserting your boundaries, understanding and accepting your emotions, building a healthy set of activities and friends, and getting clear on what's acceptable to you. If it turns out that you have a trauma history, then something like somatic experiencing or EMDR can help you start to heal from that and become more confident. As you become more confident and assertive, set more boundaries, and work for the kind of relationship that you want, then you'll see w

Do you have kids together? If you don't, the standard answer to just go ahead and leave is probably "right" -- there doesn't sound like there's much good happening for you here. But the problem with "just leave" is that it's all or nothing, and doesn't provide you with an incremental path to building the skills and self-knowledge that will allow you to actually leave.

If you do have kids together, then "just leave" is definitely a bit tougher. This sort of situation can be a kind of crucible that allows for immense personal growth, or can just beat you down.

A couple resources that may help with clarifying the stay/leave question are:

  • Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. This is a workbook with diagnostics for what relationships can be fixed vs should be ended. If you read it and your answers come out as overwhelmingly leave, then do your utmost to just leave, even if you have to move out while she's not there, text a breakup note, and ask your friends to help you.

  • Wired For Love discusses attachment theory and adult relationship dynamics.


    Good luck and we'd love to keep on hearing how you're doing!
u/RoseTyler38 · 7 pointsr/polyamory

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_e0EVCbMZ5PNNE

u/YoungModern · 7 pointsr/exmormon

I have better idea for a book you should give him.

u/ArchimedesPPL · 7 pointsr/Marriage

I would start with this book:

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_5yrQBbDGX7TAG

u/cat-gun · 7 pointsr/SexWorkers

Here's what I recommend:

  1. Don't give him any more money.
  2. Move out immediately. If you don't have the money to afford a new place, and you live in the US, call 211 and ask for assistance. They will be able to connect you to organizations in your community that can provide temporary housing.
  3. Cut off all contact with him--no phone, no email, nothing. Change your number, make your FB private, etc. If necessary, move to a different city.
  4. Continue working at the parlor until you've saved up enough money to rent your own place, buy a car, and have enough in savings to look for another job.
  5. Read the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum.
u/zoomzoom42 · 5 pointsr/AmItheAsshole

ESH she does because she is a cheater and you do because you took her back. Have some respect for yourself and end this relationship. Here are two resources for you to consider: https://www.amazon.ca/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay&qid=1573662208&sr=8-1AND

​

​

https://www.amazon.ca/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay&qid=1573662208&sr=8-1

u/Itching41 · 5 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I have a similar story, including the miscarriages. I am so sorry you're going through this. It hurts.

He's playing a shell game with you; he's not being honest and he's not going to change. You can mourn the relationship in situ but you'll be on lockdown until he leaves.

Whatever his reasons (and you've done enough work trying to understand those and have been lied to so you should stop), he's fine as things are. If he wanted change, he would be seeking ways to do it.

Two resources that were useful:

u/rbkc1234 · 5 pointsr/sex

Unhappy in what way? No sex? Yes. Different desires? Maybe but not if you can work it out another way.

I left an over 20 year relationship, with kids. Sex was certainly not the only problem but a 5 year dry spell was a big part of what caused all the problems. Looking back I can see it was the right decision and I am very much better off now.

Mostly I think sex is more like a barometer of the relationship in general, it's not usual to have a great relationship and be desperately unhappy only in bed. If you are that unhappy in bed there is more going on.

It is not wrong to want good sex, and not a frivolous reason to break up. How you relate sexually has a lot to do with how you relate in general. And people can grow in different directions, too.

The book that helped me was this one, I got it from the library.

(ETA: in my situation there was a lot more going on, and my kids are much better off now too. Their dad had become abusive so minimizing contact with him has improved their lives. So in my equation my worry about the kids went in the other direction)

u/cinepro · 5 pointsr/exmormon

This is also a good book to check out. It saved my business partner's marriage:

Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay

u/anecdotal-evidence · 4 pointsr/relationship_advice

I can't recommend this book enough:

http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

It walks you through the important issues, and is based on surveys, years later, of people who stayed in their marriage or left, and how they feel about their decision in retrospect.

I read this after my divorce. If I had it years before, I would have divorced quicker instead of agonizing for so long. It would also have helped me better articulate to my ex why I was divorcing.

Here are the questions that are discussed in the book - but you really do need to read the whole book, to get the full idea:

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/624336

  1. Thinking about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then?

  2. Has there been more that one incident of physical violence in your relationship?

  3. Have you already made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that definitely excludes your partner?

  4. If God or some omniscient being said it was okay to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and have a strong sense that finally you could end your relationship?

  5. In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) that you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you do together that you both like and that gives both of you a feeling of closeness for awhile?

  6. Would you say that to you, your partner is basically nice, reasonable intelligent, not too neurotic, okay to look at, and most of the time smells alright?

  7. Does you partner bombard you with difficulties when you try to get even the littlest thing you want; and is it your experience that almost any need you have gets obliterated; and if you ever do get what you want, is getting it such and ordeal that you don’t feel it was worth the effort?

  8. Does it seem to you that your partner generally and consistently blocks your attempts to bring up topics or raise questions, particularly about things you care about?

  9. Have you got to the point, when your partner says something, that you usually feel it’s more likely that he’s lying than that he’s telling the truth?

  10. In spite of admirable qualities, and stepping back from any temporary anger or disappointment, do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to like you?

  11. Do you feel willing to give your partner more than you’re giving already, and are you willing to do this the way things are between you now, without any expectation of being paid back?

  12. Do both you and your partner want to touch each other and look forward to touching each other and make efforts to touch each other?

  13. Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner?

  14. Does your partner neither see nor admit things you’ve tried to tell him/her to acknowledge that make your relationship too bad to stay in?

  15. Is there something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in and that s/he acknowledges but that, for all intents and purposes, s/he’s unwilling to do anything about?

  16. This problem your partner has that makes you want to leave; have you tried to let it go, ignore it, stop letting it bother you? And were you successful?

  17. As you think about your partner’s problem that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, does s/he acknowledge it and is s/he willing to do something about it and is s/he able to change ?

    18 & 19. Has your partner violated what for you is a bottom line?

  • If my partner did......................................................................................... ...then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship

  • If my partner didn’t do.............................................................................. ...then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship

  • If these things were true about my partner....................................... ...then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship

  1. Is there a clearly formulated, passionately held difference between you that has to do with the shape and texture and quality of your life as you actually experience it?

  2. In spite of all the ways you’re different, would you say that deep down or in some respect that’s important to you, your partner is someone just like you in a way you feel good about?

    LIST

  • Things I look forward to in my new life when I think about leaving

  • Things I’m afraid of in my new life that make me think about staying.

    For each item on the list ask:

  • Is this true?

  • Is this likely?

    then

  • What else is possible?

  • What’s most likely?

  1. With your new, more complete, more realistic set of information about what it would be like for you if you left, have you discovered new, more probable realities that now make leaving seem impossible, difficult or unpleasant?

  2. With your new, more complete, more realistic set of information about what it would be like for you if you left, have you discovered new, more probable realities that now make leaving seem easier, more attractive and make staying no longer desirable?

  3. Does your partner do such a good job of conveying the idea that you’re a nut or a jerk or a loser or an idiot about parts of yourself that are important to you that you’ve started to really become demonstrably convinced of it yourself?

  4. As you think about your partner’s disrespect, is it clear to you that you do everything possible to limit your contact with your partner, except for times where you absolutely must interact?

  5. Do you feel that your partner, overall and more often than not, shows concrete support for and genuine interest in the things you’re trying to do that are important to you?

  6. Whatever was done that caused hurt and betrayal, do you have a sense that the pain and damage has lessened with time?

  7. Is there a demonstrated capacity and mechanism for genuine forgiveness in your relationship?

  8. Is it likely that, if you have a reasonable need, you and your partner will be able to work out a way for you to get it met without too painful a struggle?

  9. Is there some particular need that’s so important to you that if you don’t get it met, looking back you’ll say your life wasn’t satisfying, and are you starting to get discouraged about ever having it met?

  10. Given the way your partner acts, does it feel as though in getting close to you what he’s most interested in is subjecting you to his anger and criticism?

  11. When the subject of intimacy comes up between you and your partner, is there generally a battle over what intimacy is and how to get it?

  12. Does your relationship support your having fun together?

  13. Do you currently share goals and dreams for your life together?

  14. If all the problems in your relationship were magically solved today, would you still feel ambivalent about whether to stay or leave?
u/Bright_as_yellow · 4 pointsr/breakingmom

I dont know...but my friend is going through this right now and I reccomended this book to her.

Maybe it will help you too?

u/Skwarepeg22 · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Maybe it is a good explanation for his behavior. Excuse? Nope. In fact, it’s all the more reason to run... Untreated mental health issues do not make for a good partner. Even if you were married, that would be a poor reason to try to “fix” it but you are lucky and getting these red flags before you are married or have kids (? I hope?) which will further complicate it. The more time you are with him, the more investment there is, and it only gets harder to leave.

The other thing that makes it hard is that you likely know all the softer, sweet, or funny parts of him, and it makes it hard to reconcile the behavior with those other qualities and contribute to second-guessing yourself. Most people are not 100% good or bad. In this case, The thing the bad behavior and/or traits overshadow the good there is.

I speak from experience... I actually married my guy like that. Then had a kid. And 21 years in, I had to go.

Think about that. Think about the next 20 years of your life peppered with dramas and inconvenience and pain like you had when he abandoned you on the side of the road.

Leaving was the single hardest thing I’ve chosen to do in my adult life, and I honestly did not think I would make it — emotionally. For years I thought that I just needed to understand him better and was handling things poorly. 🙄 I finally figured out that he did what he did because of HIM, not me. As soon as I was out for the tiniest bit of time, I couldn’t believe I had stayed so long, and I felt as if I had come out from under some sort of fairytale spell! Lol

SORRY this is so long. Tl:dr = go go go!! Lol

I read this book back then and found it really helpful:

https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=55856820437&hvadid=274690941339&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9026804&hvnetw=g&hvpos=1t2&hvqmt=e&hvrand=13362815725935575986&hvtargid=kwd-302114484417&keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay&qid=1555296543&s=gateway&sr=8-1

u/cellblock2187 · 3 pointsr/Parenting

> Too good to leave, too bad to stay

https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

By Mira Kirshenbaum

u/hiking1950 · 3 pointsr/MixedFaithLove

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship has helped me evaluate my marriage. Not an end-all but gives you some things to think about.

u/aradthrowawayacct · 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

It means to be with your friends. Either reconnecting with old friends you've neglected for your marriage/relationship, or finding new friends to go out with.

Having fun with friends and finding new hobbies or being active in old hobbies, can improve mood and help people see there is life outside of and beyond their DB.

Your friend might benefit from a copy of: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum

The books on the sub sidebar recommended reading list are good too.

u/dfwbbwgallooking · 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Why are you staying? What is keeping you in the relationship? I recommend that you read the book Too good to leave too bad to stay: https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

u/greengrasssummertime · 2 pointsr/RedditForGrownups

I think there's more to it than the lists posted here, but my boyfriend doesn't do any of the things listed. I'm finally in a happy relationship, although I don't know what the future holds or if he's The One. (I thought my ex-husband was The One so, my mileage varies.) Interestingly, many of the things on the lists in this post are things my mother does.......

When I was separated from my ex-husband I read a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and it helped me see that the relationship was not going to be saved.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_V7L4ybGY7WW94

u/walk_through_this · 1 pointr/MMFB

Enlist a friend or cousin's help in ending this. Your job is to avoid all contact after the breakup, let a cousin handle the details of getting addresses changed and whatnot. Get help in doing the details.

Don't spend forever planning your escape and never doing it. As I've said before, leave when everything appears fine. Leave on your terms, don't wait for some big drama. Leave simply because you know it's right to do so.

Also, read this book if you're still on the fence about leaving:

http://www.amazon.ca/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

u/hermes369 · 1 pointr/Divorce

Here's the article that got me thinking this way:

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2012/01/10/hookinguprealities/the-eat-pray-love-divorce-trend/

My ex was a big fan of Eat, Pray, Love, as she was also a big fan of this piece of self-justifying bullshit:

http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

By the same author? Cheating is GOOD, don't you know!

http://www.amazon.com/When-Good-People-Have-Affairs/dp/0312563442/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374344138&sr=1-4



I will admit that I'm bipolar, have ADD, take high-powered narcotic analgesics for pain daily, have sleep apnea, and smoke like a chimney; so, I'm not the most reliable of narrators nor am I much of a "catch." I should not, however, be pessimistic about the possibility of others finding ways to stay together and experience all of those positive things you mentioned above. In other words, you're right and I stand corrected: get married if you want! I still believe the man shoulders the majority of the risk but that's just how it is.

By the way, though I can't speak for golf or NASCAR, you really should give ballet a chance.

u/inthecloudsagain · 1 pointr/Divorce

Try getting a copy of this book. It helped me in a similar situation.

Too good to leave, Too Bad to Stay

u/tgeliot · 1 pointr/AskReddit

There's a pretty good book out there called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

The author's first question is: when the relationship is / was at it's best, how good was it, really? Did the two of you genuinely enjoy each other's company, or did were you just doing things together that you each enjoyed independently of the other?

u/just_leaves_comments · 1 pointr/relationships

I don't think you're crazy. Your sentence, "Not because of her partying but simply because I don't feel like she's open to me" sounds like you have really been honest with yourself about what hurts you the most and what you need from her.

I was in a state of ambivalence about what to do about the relationship I was in, but reading a book that was recommended here or /r/relationships helped me take a step back from the goings-on of the relationship and evaluate what I want and need from a relationship, and what my bottom line is. It's called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay (http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350). There is a chapter in here about substances or behaviour that makes one person in a relationship uncomfortable, and if you can get your hands on this book I think it might be a good guide to helping you work out some of your thoughts and feelings.

I'm also happy to see a lot of comments from other redditors to help you through this. I wish you the best!

u/ganhadagirl · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

A book really helped me with the question about why I was staying. Maybe it will help OP, too

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay
https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

u/trixylix · 1 pointr/infertility

I cannot agree more with this comment.

I experienced counselling for the first time after my dad died and i've used counsellors/therapists since then when I've felt the need, and they have been really therapeutic - You're the one providing the answers and solutions however the counsellor works to assist you in exploring those options and move forward.

The last thing you want to do right now is make a knee-jerk decision. If you can't find or afford appropriate counselling then there's a great book I've heard about which maybe you and your husband could work through together... http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

u/FlightyTwilighty · 1 pointr/Advice

The problem is that you can't fix relationships on timetables. Honestly I think it sounds to me like she is deliberately distancing herself from you because you see it's an uptick in the negative emotions recently.

I would suggest, if you want to give it one more try, that the two of you find a couples counselor and go for a few sessions. Doesn't have to be a lot, just 3-4 sessions to start with, and see if you can both get a feel of where you are at.

Or to just get you started you can take a look at this book: Too Good To Leave Too Bad To Stay:

http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

It is written by a counselor and there's a lot of good advice in there about relationships and how to evaluate them. It has given me a lot of clarity as well as other people I have recommended it too. Good luck.

u/you_done_messed_up · 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

> That I want to live life on MY terms, and split up. I feel a sense of "guilt". That I am the person leaving. I just can not stop the feeling that there is "some other person" to give me the warmth, caring and affection I need. Am I a "SAP".?. I want to be happy, but still feel the guilt and remorse from hurting her feelings...help!!!

Life is short.

You still have a few good years left. Do you want to spend them with someone whom you are not compatible with?

There can be good reasons to stay or go.

But fear of hurting her feelings with a breakup is a silly reason to stay unhappy.

Good luck!

u/SavvyMomsTips · 1 pointr/Marriage

Either way you're put in a life changing situation. This could just be his fear talking and something he will come to accept. It could be him looking for an excuse to get out. It could be a sign you need to prioritize your safety. No one has the answers to this. Figure out what makes sense for you and what you think you can live with long term.

Someone made this post on another thread. I think it's relevant here:
I would start with this book:

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_5yrQBbDGX7TAG

u/20182019_Throwaway · 1 pointr/Divorce

Read this and go through the exercises:


Too Good to Leave

u/AfterSpencer · 1 pointr/exmormon

You are in a tough situation. I suggest reading Too good to leave, too bad to stay. It might help you make a decision about your relationship. It might be worth talking to your therapist about it before you do.

Good luck in your journey.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_ZiZCybZYDK7J7

u/Rick_Perrys_Asshole · 0 pointsr/Divorce

who are you to decide if it is in his best interest to change for you or not?

Can't you see how controlling you are?

Should I let him change!

Should I divorce for both our goods

Should I be unhappy for the rest of my life

You don't talk like a team player. You don't talk like you went into this marriage understanding that you give up some of your autonomy as an individual to work together to create a new unit, which should be better than the individual pieces

My STBXw had the same attitude, so it strikes a fucking nerve with me.

All she ever thought about was herself, her wants ... let me let you in on a little secret about life... if you only focus on what your needs are and your wants, then you actually get nothing but a big pile of frustration.

If, on the other hand, you focus on your partners needs, their wants, miraculously you will see them also attend to yours. It is called mutually assured satisfaction (I just made that up)

But most people don't follow that rule of life and then end up with mutually assured destruction.

You can walk away from a decade with this person and your marriage but you will soon find yourself in the same situation with not-this-man.

Sure, he has some issues, we all do, no one is perfect. But your lack of ability to let go of some things, look past them, work on the big picture .. that is going to destroy your marriage.

Read this book https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350