Reddit reviews Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
We found 10 Reddit comments about Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
It's really, really tough when a relationship is great... in most ways... but not everything you need.
Here's a highly recommended resource for figuring out whether to stay in or leave a relationship: https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step-ebook/dp/B002JPGQ34/
For a review, see https://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/
Hope this helps...
> He used to make me feel amazing. I loved every moment we spent together.
> He's like a different person...
My ex was like this and I could write a book on it, but here are some books other people have written that have helped me:
Since you were raised by an N, then a lot of the codependency books like "Codependency No More" and "Women Who Love Too Much" might be helpful too. It seems like you're working hard to get him all this help, but all you can really do is help yourself. If he's highly N, you'll probably have a hard time with him going to therapy and sticking with it and everything else but I'm not sure that's really the best place for you to focus. Only he can choose to get help and stick with it.
I also made a post with a list of N traits from the book Disarming The Narcissist. My ex (and mother of course) possessed high degrees of all thirteen traits. Dealing with my ex was hell on Earth and I'm still recovering two years later, so if I don't seem very optimistic that's why. We always seem to want to see the best in people, and it's VERY hard to reconcile that a person who can be so sweet, loving, kind, caring, etc. can also be a liar, cheater and an overall shitty person. Ns can really weave a "reality distortion field" and so can we, because it's SO painful to see the truth sometimes. It's an up and down roller coaster ride that is VERY addicting.
The person you fell in love with may have only been one aspect of his total personality. My old therapist used to tell me to look at the big picture. I would "split" my ex so that I would PINE after the sweet, loving person she could be, and ignore the terror she could also be. Everyone is capable of EVERYTHING, especially people who claim they're "not like that." Actions are meaningful, not words. My ex's actions painted a much different picture than her words.
Anyway, good luck with everything.
I found this book helpful in my decision making process. The therapist has a series of questions and if you answer yes to any one of them, then he says in what he's observed that the people who stayed continued to be miserable and the people who left were happier.
Where I am in my journey is that a spouse isn't a series of checklists. I was guilty of that in my 20's. Here's a list of good things about him, everyone seems to like him...I ignored things that I needed from a spouse which other people don't necessarily need.
> I've tried talking about it for years. The conversations always end with him shutting down and saying he's sorry, or he's just tired, etc etc. I finally stopped bringing it up because I don't want to make him feel bad.
As for having discussions about your needs and him shutting down the conversation is not something a "good guy" would do.
Some people can't be the ones to end a relationship that isn't working. So they push their girlfriend/spouse away so that the partner can end the relationship for them and be the "bad guy." He won't touch you, he's going to work more and see you less, and he can't communicate openly and honestly with you.
Things weren't working in our relationship and we started counseling. For me, the separation came because of my husband's unkindness during therapy. Not because of the original issues that were making me unhappy, but how he reacted. When he heard my perspective, instead of being able to acknowledge why I might have seen things that way and what he could do better, he'd counter by giving a diametrically opposed perspective and then offer...nothing. Things got increasingly bad (he called me names, blamed me for him calling me names) and I separated from him. So not exactly your situation.
Our situation was similar in the way it was always my responsibility to initiate sex. We didn't argue much. He was a ball of negativity.
Maybe try couples therapy? And individual therapy. It didn't "save" my marriage, but it opened my eyes to the ways I had neglected my needs. I didn't even know I had needs! And it isn't selfish to get them met! I advocated for my needs and came to realize that the pain of trying to get him to meet them was never going to be worth it.
If you're taking time apart, maybe consider an individual counselor during that time.
This guy is a complete child, and he's taking you for granted. Here is the thing about relationships: if the two people have good communication and are both willing to talk through their issues and are committed to working things out, then anything can be solved. If they don't have that, then nothing can be solved. It sounds to me like he's not really willing to try.
Allow me to recommend a book about relationships, "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay," a step-by-step guide authored by a psychologist that will walk you through a process of evaluating your relationship. It is a great book that will really through some clarity on your relationship. Good luck.
http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step---Step-ebook/dp/B002JPGQ34/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1411169889&sr=1-1&keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay
I'd really encourage you to read the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. It does an excellent job discussing what issues can be dealt with and which will never change. I wish I had read this before I got married. My entire life would be different.
If you feel like you can't afford to leave now, please at least stop investing money in the relationship until / unless your SO steps up. Keep your finances separate, and start saving enough that you will be able to leave if /when you decide to. There are multiple red flags with your SO as well as your MIL, so please keep your options open.
I'll be sending positive thoughts your way!
Was in a somewhat similar place in my marriage. Found this book incredibly helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B002JPGQ34/ref=sxts_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1523070651&sr=1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65
Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay.
Provides a very detailed look at some of the problems that arise in a marriage and how often that particular problem was likely to be salvageable or not.
Sometimes it is not on you. Sometimes it is the other person's issues that cause the mess and you just have to deal with it.
Before you make your final decision, I highly suggest you read https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step-ebook/dp/B002JPGQ34
It is a fantastic read that will help you decide if the decision you are making is best for everyone long term.
I think this book may help you decide. "Top good to leave, too bad to stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum.
https://smile.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step-ebook/dp/B002JPGQ34/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1535827595&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=too+good+to+leave%2C+too+bad+to+stay
Get her this book: https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step-ebook/dp/B002JPGQ34
I bought it for a friend and she finally came to her senses and dumped the guy on her own. She still thanks me for it, years later.
Great question. Just so you know, we're talking about a 20 years marriage, with children, so clearly something that's meaningful.
I guess the starting point was to open up about my situation with friends. Which obviously, my ex hated. She would claim that it's unhealthy to share intimate things with friends. She would for instance veto conversations I would have with her mother, who would often be treated exactly the same by her.
What's interesting the way she convinced her mom to not say what she felt. My ex deemed that my MIL said 'bad things about her' that could 'ruin our marriage' because it would depict my ex as a bad person. While in fact, if anything, my MIL agreeing with me could let me blow some steam. My MIL's intent was not at all to ruin anything, but just to give me the confidence to stand up for myself, which, in turn, would prevent the marriage to falling apart once I've had too much.
But of course, what my ex really meant was not about 'ruining our marriage', but much more over ruining the control she has over me.
So, as I gradually understood that, I also read a lot of things about relationships, and one of them, that I found very insightful, was a chapter on people who are thirsty for control, in a book very aptly called 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay'.
The chapter was about a guy who is very controlling. Every detail needs to be done his way, and even for the most futile details, he will always find a reason why it really matters. This passage opened my eyes:
"Suppose you're in a relationship with a power person [...] all you want to do is get some need of your own met [...] But you have to understand how the power person's mind works. If they care about power so deeply, they can't imagine that you're not the same way. If all they want is power, all you must want is power. They interpret your actions with their own meanings.
So if they do things not to get their needs met, but to maintain power, anything you do to get any of your needs met must be to assert your own power. At least that's how they see it"