Reddit reviews Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self
We found 10 Reddit comments about Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Here are some excellent books on narcissistic parenting and its upshots (all available on amazon.com, etc):
Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents
Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family
Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self
Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem
(I've read -- actually deeply studied, using each as a workbook -- all of them, and feel comfortable recommending them.
Further, the dynamics of growing up in such families are strikingly similar to what happens in cults. If one is conditioned, socialized, habituated and normalized to a particular form of abuse (before one can recognize the abuse as such) in childhood, it is often the case that one will grow up to seek intimates who are likely to repeat the same form of traumatization to which they were normalized as children. In my case, I took my unconscious -- and unprocessed -- abuse into a series of cult and other co-dependent workplace and relationship situations. If one understands what happens in cults, one often gets a very clear picture of what happened in their own families of origin with narcissistic parents.
I've been in therapy for... hm... about 11 years now.
Somewhere along the way, my therapist started using the word "narcissistic" to describe my mom.
But, I blew it off. I mean, she couldn't officially diagnose, my mom wasn't there... etc.
Then about three years ago, she said, "I don't normally do this, but I think it might be really helpful for you... there's this book I want to lend you." The book was Trapped in the Mirror. It changed my LIFE.
There are probably better books out there... but seeing it all broken down like that, reading other people's stories, I was finally, for the first time, able to really see what my mom was doing, and respond to it in realtime.
Thanks for posting this site; really looks interesting.
He forced me to talk to him, so I did. I read some quotes to him from Trapped in the Mirror but it didn't phase him at the time. It was among every other verbal punch I could think of; I wanted to make him feel how I felt. He just emotionally checked out.
My brothers intervened and then we all sat down to talk with him. They mostly quizzed him about his spousal support demands, but I continued to poke the bull. I quickly noticed how child-like my father was acting. Shutting down and talking in circles when cornered or caught in a lie. He kept coming back to "there is something you don't know but I can't tell you". He was sitting on a stool and I found it really interesting that he was swinging his feet like a kid. It doesn't seem like an appropriate response, so I figure our inquisition was triggering memories of his (probably narcissistic) mother.
Eventually we pushed enough buttons to bring out his favorite emotion: anger. He stood up, clenched his fists, and tightened his neck. He told me I needed to "man up", so I stood up too and started laughing in his face. He stomped off as I made quips about him going home to drink away his emotions like usual.
It's been a couple of years and he's only tried to call once. Although, he did tell my mom at one of their divorce meetings that he was worried my "therapist was planting thoughts in my head". My mom and I laughed about it, but it's also really saddening that he found yet another excuse to avoid reality.
True. My brother, sister and I were raised by a narcissist mother and all of us had very abusive partners for a long time until we all got therapy.
https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718
This book was like reading my biography and helped me unlearn all the shit that I was taught by our parent.
I would suggest going through these materials/resources in chronological order:
It may take you several months, if not, a year to digest all of this.
Sorry it's not so clear but great that you're aware of things though. There certainly is a lot of information around these days to help.
A couple good books that I stumbled on:
https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718
https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611
I found both of those at the local library too so might just do that. (There are others as well and probably mentioned on this reddit somewhere, but those are not a bad start)
Obviously I can't make any absolute claims, but it really sounds like your mother is a classic narcissist – in the clinical sense... at least what you're going through reminds me quite a bit of what I've seen myself (I grew up with a narcissistic mother and grandmother).
Here are some quick links I found that seem to describe it well:
http://www.narcissism101.com/NarcissistsinMedia/NarcissistsinPrivate/narcissisticpare.html
http://idiotsguides.com/static/quickguides/selfhelp/coping_with_a_narcissistic_parent_or_sibling.html
http://www.lightshouse.org/the-narcissistic-parent.html
http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/is-this-your-mom/
I got a lot out of the following books:
http://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Always-About-You-Narcissism/dp/0743214285/
but there are other, better rated ones on Amazon, so go take a look if you start resonating with it all.
If you do decide that your mom fits the narcissistic pattern – first, know you're not alone. Really, I promise, you're not alone. Second, it gets better – get out of the house as much as possible – get involved in school activities, anything you can to get out.
Regardless, when college comes around – that's your break. Trust me, it gets better.
But you have to put work into it – you need to be mindful of setting boundaries with your mom as you become independent. It's going to be hard at times and she will make you feel bad when you push back – but you clearly have good instincts, so trust them about what feels right and wrong.
edit: link formatting
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=nodl_
Complex PTSD by Pete Walker
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1542909721&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving&dpPl=1&dpID=51fK34oGboL&ref=plSrch
Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb
https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1542909765&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trapped+in+the+mirror&dpPl=1&dpID=41A0QuC3bWL&ref=plSrch
I think these books would be very helpful on learning why people become narcissists and what can be done to heal: https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718
https://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466677067&sr=1-1&keywords=the+narcissistic+family
https://www.amazon.com/Unholy-Hungers-Encountering-Psychic-Ourselves/dp/1570621810/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466677088&sr=1-1&keywords=unholy+hungers
Hmm...well, therapy was an enormous help for me. But I know not everyone has insurance that covers it. I also dealt with severe physical abuse, so maybe the books I read won't work for you.
However...I recommend this:
http://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2/175-5751338-3289757?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_r=1SHX5JYKVB1D1XTKMJZM&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_p=1944687542&pf_rd_i=0688140718
http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=pd_sim_14_4?ie=UTF8&dpID=51p3IsmSqxL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR107%2C160_&refRID=0GAX75MV0QW96MAX79QS
These are not books I have read. The one I did read was "Adult Children of Abusive Parents". http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Abusive-Parents-Emotionally/dp/0345363884
That covers a lot of narcissistic issues as well, so while abuse doesn't seem to be an issue (although, when you do your soul-searching, you might uncover some truths that your parents maybe were emotionally abusive to you) it could be a very helpful book.
On those links on Amazon, if you scroll down it will show you similar books. Peruse them. Some are crap, others are very good. In every book, there will be info you will disagree with, or info that does not apply to you. That's ok. Focus on the info that resonates with you and applies to you.
And I warn you, it might be a painful experience, and things that happened a long time ago that did not make sense at the time, may suddenly make sense now that you can see their motivation behind their actions.
Best of all, however, is if you follow through, do the soul searching and most importantly, establish and stick with parameters that are right for you (and nobody else can say what is right for you) you will feel liberated. The guilt will be gone. You'll be able to throw off this huge weight you've been burdened with for so long that you likely don't even realize you've been carrying this stress around. I can tell just by what little you have shared that you harbor extreme guilt and worry that you are doing the 'wrong' thing and owe them more and are not being fair to your parents. All of which reflects that they have been very successful at emotionally manipulating you for their very selfish, narcissistic reasons.
Hope this helps!
Edit: I re-read your question of "what can you do" for the feeling bad that breaking away from your parents brings?
Time. Time, and sticking to your guns. I remember the first time I informed my parents of certain parameters by writing to them. I was ready to go out and buy a nice card, and my friend stopped me and said simply use a page of regular binder paper. I felt like I was committing some crime. As time passed and the initial shock was over, I slowly realized that placing parameters and refusing to allow myself to be emotionally manipulated was wonderful! You will stop feeling guilty and 'bad'. You will think, 'why did I not do this earlier'? You will develop confidence and realize you are doing the absolute right, moral and correct thing.
And, you may be sad and hurt, and even angry that your parents did what they did for so long.
So, be kind to yourself, accept that this is a process that won't change over night, and trust the process.