Reddit reviews Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships

There's a book which describes an exploratory research project by a sociologist, involving a few hundred interviews of divorced couples, and it said that rebound relationships tended to be a feature of breakups. They helped the breakup-er to move on from their original relationship, and it gives an Identity theory-esque explanation for this, saying that the person breaking up needs to re-establish a post-relationship identity which deviates from things that reinforce the relationship-identity. So, a person who's unsatisfied with their relationship (she says that breakups ultimately tend to spring from a feeling of dissatisfaction), who enters a new work environment for example, might disassociate themselves from their relationship-identity by not saying to new co-workers that they're in a relationship. As their new non-relationship identity forms, they might enter a new relationship (the rebound), which disassociates them fully from the previous relationship. The rebound means that the person breaking up stops seeing themselves as part of the original relationship, family and friends stop seeing them as being part of the original relationship, which in turn means that family and friends may pressure them less to rekindle the original relationship...it basically has the effect of finalising the end of the original relationship.


She also said that these rebound relationships tended not to last, and I have a recollection of her saying (but don't quote me) that who a person rebounds with is more a matter of convenience than anything else. She also said that, although they tend not to last, people may stay in fond friendships with the person they rebound with.


It's an excellent book on the topic of breakups, if you're interested, and I can't remember enough from it to comment any more.

I have seen this book recommended a few times. Might help some time in the future once you're recovering a little.

http://www.amazon.com/Uncoupling-Turning-Points-Intimate-Relationships/dp/0679730028

Do you mean 'Uncoupling' by Diane Vaughan?

This?

https://www.amazon.com/Uncoupling-Turning-Points-Intimate-Relationships/dp/0679730028

Thank you for the recommendation

This book may help explain what happened.

http://www.amazon.com/Uncoupling-Turning-Points-Intimate-Relationships/dp/0679730028

Wow, so many things you have said of your story resonate with me. So I will give you my perspective. Sorry it’s so long.

Been divorced 5 years now from HS sweetheart, I was married 22 yrs, she is bipolar and didn’t work for 18 months before the split. Kids were 18, 10, and 8 when we split. I was in counseling for about 5 years which I see now helped to lead to the divorce especially when I learned what boundaries were and started having some, which she didn’t like at all.

1. Kids - that was one of my biggest concerns at the time and I must admit it was rough in the beginning to figure out my new relationship with the youngest ones. They had trouble in the beginning but I can now see it was because of being in the toxic environment of the household and then going through a divorce. They are doing great now and I made sure along the way that I focused on doing the right things for the kids no matter the way I felt about their mother even though she didn’t have the same thinking.
   
   
2. Backlash - you are right to fear it! Logic, morals, motherhood, all go out the window. If she already has a victim mentality, then expect it to get worse. Watch out for restraining orders and calling the police. You also will need to get comfortable with calling the police. She will change her attitude when a cop threatens them with being arrested and some time it’s the only way to stop the cycle of chaos that they create and want to keep going to maintain control. Fearing it will help you to prepare to be on the defensive for it mentally.
   
   
3. Finances - It sucks, no other way to put it. Especially the first year. After 5 years I can’t say that I have fully recovered. If things are tight now, they will get really bad. Go into it with the thought process that you will lose everything and have to start over from scratch, this will help you deal with it and give you some type of hope that it will get better because things do get better with time.
   
   
4. What ifs - man those thoughts kept me rooted in misery and honestly I didn’t realize it until after the split. The things you put up with that you look back on as normalcy is shocking. Also, after you can look back and see how it was heading to divorce the whole time and there was no way to stop it. The only thing that happened for me was I kept holding out hope and I can look back now and see there was never really any hope. I wish I would have met with a lawyer before like you have done.
   
   
   Here are my other pieces of advice that I wish I knew about before the split: No affiliate links, just straight to the books.
   
   
5. The end will come as an event, mine was accidentally discovering other guys numbers in her phone. Get the book Uncoupling, it explains the process of splitting up.
   Uncoupling
   
   
6. Get the book Splitting, it’s about divorcing a narcissist.. Once I read it, it was like reading NMMNG, but it was the story of my divorce. It acted as a playbook on how to handle things and she literally followed most of the things the book said she would do.
   Splitting
   
   
7. Make sure your lawyer is in favor of fathers rights. Every guys tells his lawyer that his wife is crazy when going through divorce, so they hear it all the time. But when it really is the case without documented medical support, they will just think you are like every other guy and not realize that things are different especially for the kids. They figure it out eventually, but it takes them a while to get there.
   
   
8. Make your boundaries quickly especially when it comes to the kids. When she talked about reconciling, I created a list of the expectations I wanted in a marriage and from a wife and until I could see that she met those expectations I was only settling on my own happiness.
   
   
9. Don’t tell her anything, disconnect as soon as the papers are filed. She is no longer your responsibility. If you could have saved her, you wouldn’t be going through a divorce.
   
   
10. First year is really rough, keep journaling, but recognize when you shouldn’t go back to review things because it stops you from moving forward and sets you back in the process.
    
    
    My story now is that I met an amazing women and have been married for a year. She loves my kids and they love her. You will probably see once you get out there that you are a good catch and there are plenty of women who will treat you like a king because of all the jerks available on the market.
    
    Sorry it was so long, but hopefully it helps.
    
    Feel free to PM me if you need anything.