Reddit reviews When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope, Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy
We found 31 Reddit comments about When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope, Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
> MIL and FIL share an email address, a cell phone, and even go to the bathroom together.
HURK. That
sortadefines enmeshment.DH needs to read and re-read When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.
You and LO are more important than DH's mother. Sadly, he doesn't behave like it, even if he pays lip service.
His mother has done a number on him with Fear, Obligation and Guilt. She is a master gaslighter / manipulator. I'll guess that she's been doing it her entire adult life (and likely back into childhood); she's extremely competent - and that's sad.
Will it's not DH's fault, it's his adult responsibility - to himself, you and LO - to overcome the programming she's instilled in him. Reading, pondering and re-reading these two books, doing the exercises they contain and letting them illuminate his circumstances could be helpful.
Oh the manipulations!
I’m so sorry you are going thru this.
You aren’t alone.
The truth is she’s the one being selfish because she’s embarrassed and trying to control your life.
This book might help:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B004IK8Q22/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1523329851&sr=8-1
It'd be cool if there was a book about this.
The title could be...
"When I say no i feel guilty"
I highly recommend the book 'When I say no, I feel guilty' It has loads of brilliant strategies to deal with manipulative people.
This doesn't have to be a confrontation. You can negotiate your own freedom and maintain a relationship with your mother (if she is willing to do a small amount of work too, but you can help her)
http://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22
You are a pushover and your wife is world class bitch. Your such a nice man your not even capable to use the language required to tell us how she really is.
You have to be a level 99 thundercunt for a business to turn away money from a customer.
Your problem is your wife is a terrible person and steam rolls over your boundaries because you have a spine like a udon noodle.
Shes incharge of your life. Over.
Prescription one.
Perscription two
Read them both.
> I'm usually a people pleaser
You and me both. But at some point, the pleasing-other-people part comes at a negative cost for you. I found a therapist I liked and worked on being less of a people pleaser. I'd highly recommend you do the same. It's hard to not feel guilty, but it feels SO much better when you realize you have nothing to feel guilty over (especially here).
If therapy isn't something you're ready to try, there's a great book called When I Say No I Feel Guilty that you can read to help you get in a better mindset about things like this.
Always have to spoon feed this shit into you faggots.
When I say no I feel guilty
No more mister nice guy
I hope you have abbs.
You were raped by your husband and everyone around you is gaslighting you. Please seek therapy from a NON-RELIGIOUS therapist, and consider abortion. This marriage is not going to be healthy, there's no fixing this. Do you want to be tied to your rapist for the rest of your life?
Some books you might want to read:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Kindle Edition
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-Feel-Guilty-Systematic-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22
Or just the book "When I say NO I feel guilty" Great book.
Frame is a muddy concept that's able to be interpreted in multiple ways. It's hard to grasp because it means slightly different things to different people.
For me, frame is "the narrative a person has in their head about what's happening."
Different narratives can come into conflict; eventually, one will win out, when the other person starts to subtly accept the other person's narrative.
Useful books:
Frame Control
https://www.amazon.com/Frame-Control-Subconscious-Conversational-Dominance-ebook/dp/B014GMBQPK
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1505766023&sr=1-1&keywords=when+i+say+no+i+feel+guilty
Never Split The Difference
https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended-ebook/dp/B014DUR7L2/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1505766002&sr=1-1&keywords=never+split+the+difference
There's a great book called When I say No I feel Guilty. That really put things in perspective for me and helped me make progress.
One other thing to keep in mind. When you stop people pleasing, people in your life won't be pleased. That's totally okay and normal. Try not to fret as you undertake this process. And congrats and good luck!
Deep breath: "Hey Karen -or w.e-! Sorry I didn't reach out earlier. (hint: you don't owe anyone an explanation so don't volunteer one, IF she asks, say family matters, people don't dig deeper on those) I'm afraid this person was only doing this for a favor since I got camera issues last time, but he's not really available for more work. I will be able to take these pictures, though! What's the plan?"
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Now for the other thing, yes, you are doing what is called "catastrophizing", predicting the future, and coming up with all types of skewed thoughts that snowball. As you see one little lie can become a big pain in the ass, and your imagination ran wild inventing things that it had no evidence for. You need to realize that things happen and you need to work on killing the people-pleaser in you and learn to say "sorry, I'm afraid that won't be possible". Basically, saying no without feeling bad.
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Don't lie, nor you nor people can always get their way. Maybe she thought he could do it, all you had to say was "oh no actually he doesn't really do that and he's a busy person, he was just helping me as a one-time thing" period.
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Books to learn about CBT and Assertiveness could be useful for you. I recommend "When I say no I feel guilty" by Manuel Smith, and CBT Made Simple by Seth Gillihan , I've read both and found them useful.
Don't try to climb anything you fucking idiot. Social groups aren't made to climb to the top and conquer them. They are made to have mutually beneficial interactions amongst all.
2) The problem isn't your friends, it's the fact that you are a huge pussy and don't stand up for yourself. Read this book, it will change your life
Same story. Also self-employed and do everything and also brain-fried after 8 (actually, after 6). Also feel the tension between important and urgent; want to finish next phase of certification, set up a better inventory system, learn to play instrument etc but get flooded with immediate demands.
Here's my personal experience; I've been the most successful when I practice these things:
"1." Is the difference between playing your chess game with pieces and playing with the whole board. Stop queueing objectives and start co-ordinating them as parts within whole spaces.
Calculate exactly how many productive hours you actually have to play within the space of a month, a week, and a day. You might be surprised how little of a 16-hour wake cycle you can actually use to produce after the quotidian stuff like brushing teeth and commuting is subtracted. Same for a month. What are your actual resources for accomplishing stuff?
Put an estimated time value on every objective you want to fit in any of those whole periods. I no longer write a task/todo item down without attaching some time value to it. If it's going to take longer than any single whole space of time that I can allot, then it's not a task; it's a project---another whole with parts. "When faced with a problem you do not understand, do any part of it you do understand, then look at it again." (Robert N Heinlein). So make an indented list of steps for this objective (sometimes its "minimum viable product" stages), and each of those lines has an estimated time value. Now those tasks can be slotted into some space of time.
"2." is something an old boss taught me when I began supervising. Other people and other emergencies will always run your day if you let them, leaving you with no initiative for your own responsibilities. Plan your time as outlined in "1." so that you know what you can give, and then learn to say no
"3." Stop avoiding the important and uncomfortable things in your life. In other words, plan! Because it's these things that are creating anxiety and forcing you out of the gestaltian conception of your life and time from which you have initiative, and into the reactive ("queueing") mode. As General Eisenhower said, the plan is nothing, but planning is everything. Do your most important relationships need help? Do you need to get that abscess tooth taken care of? Are there spiritual issues you need to confront? Take the initiative and go to step 1.
This is just my personal experience. I'm no kind of expert but I have noticed that I work better when I remember these things.
Good luck!
I found this book amazingly helpful with dealing with my dad's anger, and it also covers a lot of issues with timidness that our parents condition us into.
Otherwise I would consider getting a new therapist to specifically work on this issue.
Read the book "When I say no, I feel guilty". https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IK8Q22/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
With how she raised you guilt is a motivational factor for not saying no to her and this book will help you come up with techniques on how to better handle situations with her.
You poor unfortunate bastard, you have nice guy syndrome. My advice to you is first, go get a gym membership, then get both these books on audible.
https://www.amazon.ca/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
And
https://www.amazon.ca/When-Say-Feel-Guilty-Systematic-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22
And rock some cardio and have a listen.
You cannot change anyone! but you can change yourself. Your wife will change as a result of the new you and then you can decide if you like the new her or not. You do not get to decide how she changes as a result of your change. That's how this works.
Good luck man.
The reason Fogging is not in the glossary is because it's not just a term, it's a technique that requires reading the book to truly grasp the concept so you can use it effectively. It's from When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. In that book you will learn about Fogging as well as many other techniques to handle life's confrontations. One of the most useful books out there.
I know those feels, it's natural to feel guilty in certain situations, it's how we were raised. My wife will come home sometimes after a bad day and vent or even bring it home and be a total bitch that evening. I ice her out if she's being bitchy and remind her that I don't stand for being an emotional tampon. She then settles down. If she just needs to vent and I have time, I'll listen for a short time, but don't make it my entire night.
This book might be a little overkill for the situation, but I'm reading it right now and it seems to be applicable.
Always listen to the parts of you that respect yourself and your boundaries. But yes you should assert your boundaries, the question is whether or not to be offensive. I don't think you should necessarily be offensive, just wanted to point out it's possible she's offensive with purpose.
There's a very inexpensive book that I am confident if you read just the first two chapters, it will change your life for the better.
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
Well, I go to therapy regularly for other things and assertiveness and how I communicate my needs to others is one of the things I've needed to work on from the beginning. An assertive tone is one part of it, but how you say things is important as well. A great, short book (my first self-development book, long ago) on this is When I Say No I Feel Guilty.
These are the assertive rights I learnt from it. The book has a lot of case studies but once you get the essence of it it's not necessary to read them all. It helped me understand how I wasn't doing anything wrong by expressing my boundaries or what I would or wouldn't tolerate.
In your case it could help you to just de-escalate the situation by saying "I'm not going to talk to you since you are yelling" to the guy on the train, and stick to it by ignoring him, and just let him make a fool of himself.
I've come a long way just by absorbing the concepts that book taught me, that nobody taught me during my childhood. I highly recommend it.
No more mr nice guy.... read it, it will help you more than you can currently understand. After you get done with that read When I say no I feel guilty. Neither of them are fun, but oftentimes its bitter medicine that cures the ailments.
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-Feel-Guilty-Systematic-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22
See: When I say No I feel Guilty
Common. Human.
This is a good book. There’s an audio version too.
From my perspective, there are two major issues at play here:
You can't do much about the latter, but you can at least fix the former. I recommend checking out When I say no, I feel guilty https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B004IK8Q22/
This book will give you some excellent tools to keep their manipulation from affecting you, without resorting to attempting to manipulate them back.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004IK8Q22?btkr=1
Read this, this and this. They have helped me tremendously. To be sure, you have to do the work, but these texts gave me TONS of perspective and practical advice. Finally, get yourself into therapy. It helped me a great deal.Best of luck!
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481041832&sr=8-1&keywords=when+i+say+no+i+feel+guilty
To add to this reading list:
When I say No I feel Guilty
And
No More Mr. Nice Guy
Very generally, both books helped me understand that I was looking to others for approval, rather than finding approval from myself. I think it would be worth reading for any man, but especially what OP is describing.
Check out No More Mr. Nice Guy https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004C438CW/ref=cm_sw_r_apa_q12EzbDM118XB and When I Say No, I Feel Guilty https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IK8Q22/ref=cm_sw_r_apa_s52EzbR4FYRBQ
Both eye opening for me.
That is in your imagination. If you don't know how to say "No", learn!