Reddit Reddit reviews Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

We found 122 Reddit comments about Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

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122 Reddit comments about Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men:

u/GetOffMyLawn_ · 325 pointsr/relationships

This sounds like the beginnings of abuse. The gas lighting, the playing the victim, the nuclear option, the crazy making behavior. Find this book and read it: "Why Does He Do That" by Bancroft.
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Oh, and abuse tends to escalate over time. It will become more frequent and/or more intense, so don't think that ignoring it will fix it. Or that you can fix him. Or that he will fix himself. He needs individual therapy, and not couples counseling.

u/Iamajedilikemyfather · 170 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I highly recommend the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men .

From your description it sounds as though his value system has him as way more valuable than you, meaning he doesn’t see you as an equal.

On your end - the outbursts (said with no judgement on my part), the crying, the quick feelings of frustration or stress or failure or whatever they are - this is your body telling you that your boundaries are being violated, that his value system doesn’t agree with yours (you DO see yourself as being as valuable as he is). Again, by this small snapshot you’ve shared, those feelings are the right response, and they won’t stop until you stop being around someone who treats you as an accessory in their life instead of as an equal.

The most challenging thing for me to realize (in my own situation) is that it was not possible for me to change the value system of my partner. If you are with someone that thinks it’s ok to scream at you for 5 minutes because you tried to chat with them on date night that they repurposed to “not date night,” they aren’t going to suddenly start treating you better. He doesn’t see you as an equal.

The second most challenging thing for me to understand is that the reason he was nice in the beginning was strategic and manipulative, not because he genuinely cared about me. After he had established (in me) a certain level of feelings and commitment that got him what he wanted, the mask came off.

You can be my enemy and I still wouldn’t think you were out of order because you got upset that dogs got into chocolate and dirty diapers and made a mess. That sounds horrible. So when your own husband criticizes you for that it’s to distract you from the part where he is an ass hole and isn’t helping or empathetic. Instead, you’re on the defensive (“maybe I did overreact?...”).

I’m so sorry. I hope you read the book, and I hope it takes you a lot less time to realize that a person who can treat you this way (one time, or many times) isn’t a good person to have in your life.

u/dreamofadream · 85 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Get out. Get out now, and go somewhere he doesn't have knowledge of, or the means to reach.

His abuse is textbook. He is escalating. Your independence, and failure to yield to him in all things will only serve to justify greater violence in his mind. He will escalate the use of psychological and physical abuse as he sees necessary to "break" you, and make you submit to him. He can do this because he sees you as something that he owns, something that should be subservient to him.

If you're interested in remaining a free-willed human being, and alive/out of the hospital, get out. Do not come back until you have your squad to help you move your stuff.

Source: I've studied domestic abuse from a layperson perspective for about ten years. This book is like a bible to me.

Please message me if you feel the need, and take care of yourself.

u/RestrainedGold · 70 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

Please get and read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men

You need this book right now. Your husband is becoming physically violent because he thought he had you under his thumb and he now realizes that he doesn't. It is very common for men who are emotionally abusive to become physically abusive when a woman leaves them. Everyone around them thinks they "snapped" but that is not really what is going on, it is what we here call an extinction burst.

So glad you got out when you did.

u/ILurvesMeSomePie · 65 pointsr/TheBluePill

I'm really sorry about your previous relationship, OP. hugs You're really brave for getting yourself out of that situation.

There's a really great book I've been reading that's been mentioned a lot, here and in other subs like /r/relationships, called


"Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Bancroft is a counsellor who has worked with abusive men to change their behaviours. In the book, he outlines a lot of tactics that abusers use, which are (surprise, surprise) pretty much the same tactics TRPers talk about to win over women.

He also mentions tips that women can use to identify/avoid potential abusers. (I'll see if I can find that section and post it here)

It's a worthwhile read - you should definitely check it out!


Edit: (Some Key Points from Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" - How Can I Tell if a Man I'm Seeing Will Become Abusive?)

  • He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners: Be cautious if he is very focused on his bitterness or tells you about his exes early on in your dating. Also, be aware if he says you are nothing like the women he's been involved with - it could be a tactic to get you to work doubly hard to prove you're not like the women he was with.

  • He is disrespectful towards you: Put downs, sneering at your opinions, rudeness towards you in front of other people communicates lack of respect. Also, if he idealizes you, puts you on a pedestal, treats you like a fine piece of china, this is also something to watch out for. He could turn nasty if you don't live up to his perfect image

  • He does favors for you that you don't want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable: This may be a sign of someone who is trying to create a sense of indebtedness

  • He is controlling: This usually starts off gradually, with subtle hints about your clothes or looks, or negative remarks about family or friends. Eventually, he may start to show hints of impatience that you don't share the same opinions.

  • He is possessive: Possessiveness shows he doesn't love you as an independent human being but rather as a guarded treasure

  • Nothing is ever his fault: As time goes by, the target of blame increasingly becomes you.

  • He is self-centered: Notice when he does a lot more than his share of talking, listens poorly when you speak, shifts the topic of conversation to himself

  • He abuses drugs or alcohol: Bancroft says that chances are, even without a drug/alcohol addiction, the abuser will always remain an abuser, and will blame his behaviours on the drugs/alcohol. However, be careful if he pressures you to take drugs/alcohol with him.

  • He pressures you for sex

  • He gets serious too quickly about the relationship

  • He intimidates you when he's angry

  • He has double standards

  • He has negative attitudes towards women

  • He treats you differently around other people

  • He appears to be attracted to vulnerability


    Edit #2: Gilded? Me? Gilded? Oh, wow! I'm all of a dither

    breathes into a paper bag

    Thank you so much, kind redditor!

    Oh, and for those of you looking for Why Does He Do That?, here's a link to Amazon:

    http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656




u/ClassyFarts · 34 pointsr/AmItheAsshole

Angry and controlling men seem to think that there is no way they can be abusive if they don't physically hurt their wife.


YOU ARE ABUSIVE.


Wish I could give your wife this book.

u/blanket999 · 34 pointsr/GenderCritical

That doesn't mean everyone who tells you to up your meds is right, or coming from a good place. Abusive men LOVE to tell their partners they're crazy/paranoid/overly senisitve/imagining things/overreacting

Please read this book

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
__
https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat

u/ineverremembermyname · 32 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

One hallmark of abuse is "gaslighting", where those looooong conversations bend your reality a bit. Being harangued for hours really does confuse your sense of things. Gaslighting is common from controlling men. Do a bit of research on it and see what you think?

You may not be ready to see that he's emotionally abusing you yet. If he's starting to accuse you of cheating, he may escalate trying to isolate you from friends. When you have friends and an outside life, it's harder for him to keep you; those other people might tell you to leave him.

Please read this book during your lunch break for a few days: http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1319053818&sr=8-1-fkmr0

It is a well-reseached, practical insight into seeing if the behavior from your husband could be considered abusive. It may fit with your scientific mindset and clarify your situation a bit.

u/0ut0fBoundsException · 31 pointsr/niceguys

I'd encourage you to do more research. Most abusers are extremely charming and emotionally manipulative. Many abusers seem like genuinely great people to everyone around them because they're not just some general indiscriminate asshole, and they may treat everyone other than the victim very well. There's a book about exactly this, the author did a lot of investigation through interviews with both the abused and the abuser. Most of the abusers saw nothing wrong with their actions because they veiwed the victim as sub-human and belonging to them.

At the end of the day, it's a power thing and abusers use a wide variety of tactics to gain power of their abuser, ranging from physical abuse to often making the victim doubt their own mental facilities through creative methods.

Two of the most fascinating to me were the following.

One guy would hide things his wife needed, like keys when she was leaving, and then watch as she became increasingly frantic. Once she was in tears, turning the house upside down, tearing her hair out, he would leave the keys in an obvious place like a table and say something along the lines of, "look it's right there. I don't know why you can never find things, you're losing you mind"

Another guy dimmed the lights, Everytime his wife left the room and then would adamently deny it, and call her paranoid and imagining things.

u/Erosthete · 27 pointsr/niceguys

Abusers will try to convince you their feelings are the problem. "I was mad, I was frustrated, I felt scared of losing you, I just love you so much". But everyone experiences those same emotions without abusing others.

An abuser does not have a problem with how they feel, they have a problem with how they think. They think they're entitled to attention, care-taking, interest, to a person giving up who she is to focus entirely on the abuser's needs. And when they don't get what they think they're entitled to, they feel entitled to call that person horrible things. They give themselves permission to express those feelings based on how they think.

Never be misled; if someone talks to you this way its not because "they were mad". It's because they think it's okay to express their anger in that toxic unfair way. Read more here if you need

u/xxbrowneyez · 22 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

usually physical violence is preceded by years of mental abuse and "small" physical assaults such as shoving etc and so by the time the women is being beaten she is often in a really low place mentally. Most often, the abuser is also charming and loving at times so it's a mind fuck thing going on. I recommend the book by Lundy Bancroft http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/randomhypnosisacct · 21 pointsr/stupidslutsclub

> After the dinner date we went back to his place. We were on the couch. Nothing had happened yet, he just had his arm around me. I was a little buzzed off the wine, and he said "I want to show you something."

So he didn't talk to you about hypnotizing you, and get your consent? Did you have a talk about limits and what's okay, and how much control he should have?

> He told me a little more about how he likes to use hypnosis to enhance the bedroom. So as we would text, he would send me images about erotic hypnosis all day. When I wasn't at work, he would send me videos, audios, or we would have hypnotic phone sex.

It sounds like you got into a steady relationship, but he sounds like he likes to push past your limits and uses hypnosis to do so, and is isolating your from your friends, family and work. These are all classic abuser techniques. Do you feel safe in your relationship? Are you able to say no and have him respect that? Does he try to control you or speak for you outside of your sexual relationship?

u/PartiallyMonstrous · 21 pointsr/JustNoSO

I used to think this to. That my lack of education or caring somehow triggered the violence in my life. If you can find a library, many offer free audio and ebooks, please check out this book. It helped my world make sense.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/Jaded666 · 21 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

If you don't break up with him after this, at least turn your relationship into a social experiment and start recording his red flags. In future, you will have a long list of red flags that you can easily identify to recognize men who don't respect women. Be prepared for him to eventually try to control your life. ALWAYS have an exit strategy. And please no not move in with him.

I also suggest you please read this book. It was eye opening for me, and I would imagine you could learn a lot from it as well.

u/MonsieurJongleur · 20 pointsr/AskWomen

I certainly did! Thank you.

>Being dumped, especially if we hadn’t had sex, was the worst thing that could happen. I wanted sex, and only women had the power to give or take it away, and in my mind this made them more powerful than anything else.

I think this is at the heart of every young TRP, and a large contingent of the guys on AskMen. To want sex so desperately, and not get it, small wonder they get so angry at the perceived gatekeepers.

One good turn deserves another. Found this book today, someone excerpted it on Tumblr:

>"When [an abusive man] tells me that he became abusive because he lost control of himself, I ask him why he didn’t do something even worse. For example, I might say, “You called her a fucking whore, you grabbed the phone out of her hand and whipped it across the room, and then you gave her a shove and she fell down. There she was at your feet where it would have been easy to kick her in the head. Now, you have just finished telling me that you were ‘totally out of control’ at that time, but you didn’t kick her. What stopped you?” And the client can always give me a reason. Here are some common explanations:

>"I wouldn’t want to cause her a serious injury."
>“I realized one of the children was watching.”
>“I was afraid someone would call the police.”
>“I could kill her if I did that.”
>“The fight was getting loud, and I was afraid the neighbors would hear.”

>And the most frequent response of all:

>"Jesus, I wouldn’t do that. I would never do something like that to her.”

>The response that I almost never heard — I remember hearing it twice in the fifteen years — was: “I don’t know.”

>These ready answers strip the cover off of my clients’ loss of control excuse. While a man is on an abusive rampage, verbally or physically, his mind maintains awareness of a number of questions: “Am I doing something that other people could find out about, so it could make me look bad? Am I doing anything that could get me in legal trouble? Could I get hurt myself? Am I doing anything that I myself consider too cruel, gross, or violent?”

>A critical insight seeped into me from working with my first few dozen clients: An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide what he does because he thinks other people would disagree with it, but he feels justified inside. I can’t remember a client ever having said to me: “There’s no way I can defend what I did. It was just totally wrong.” He invariably has a reason that he considers good enough. In short, an abuser’s core problem is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong.

>I sometimes ask my clients the following question: “How many of you have ever felt angry enough at youer mother to get the urge to call her a bitch?” Typically half or more of the group members raise their hands. Then I ask, “How many of you have ever acted on that urge?” All the hands fly down, and the men cast appalled gazes on me, as if I had just asked whether they sell drugs outside elementary schools. So then I ask, “Well, why haven’t you?” The same answer shoots out from the men each time I do this exercise: “But you can’t treat your mother like that, no matter how angry you are! You just don’t do that!”

>The unspoken remainder of this statement, which we can fill in for my clients, is: “But you can treat your wife or girlfriend like that, as long as you have a good enough reason. That’s different.” In other words, the abuser’s problem lies above all in his belief that controlling or abusing his female partner is justifiable…."

u/glaarghenstein · 17 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

YES! Just remember the good times were tricks to keep you around for the bad times! Definitely recommend reading Why Does He Do That? It's very illuminating and really helpful!

u/luthage · 17 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes
  1. Stop calling your mother dramatic. Whether you mean to or not, it is dismissing her at least within your own head. Which isn't going to help any. Feelings are legitimate. You don't get to decide how another person should think or feel.

  2. It was super shitty of her to tell you that. Especially given the kind of relationship you have with your father. It's putting you in the middle where you have no business being. The parent/child relationship is a deeply important one. She should have gone to anyone other than you. Therapist, friend, family. Had he been abusive to you talking to you about it would be important, but in a way that helps you.

  3. Abuse is a tricky thing. No one wants to believe someone they love is abusive. You can witness it and still not see it. It's actually quite common for a parent to abuse the other and not the children. It's also quite common for an abuser to appear nice, calm and put together to everyone else. It's part of the abuse cycle. A really good book to read is Why Does He Do That.

  4. You are never going to know what really happened and have to come to terms with that. I highly suggest therapy to work through everything.

  5. Your relationship with your father is between the 2 of you. Same with you and your mother as well as your mother and your father. How you navigate that is really up to you. A therapist will also help with this. Maybe that means you tell your mom that while you do support her, she needs to stop talking to you about this. Maybe that means you stay away from them both until you have sorted it out. It's going to be whatever you need it to be.
u/HonorOCarrollKelly · 15 pointsr/breakingmom

It's hard when you are doing your best as a mom and are continually inundated with the message that a 2 parent family is the best thing for kids. There are a lot of us kids out there who will tell you that it would have been much better if our parents divorced. I'm in my 30's, I grew up with a verbally abusive dad, I still get feedback at work about my lack of confidence and am afraid of angering people. It also had a very negative impact on my view of relationships. Abusive relationships are confusing and heartbreaking. Particularly when you love them. Before you make your mind up about anything, you might want to check out Why Does He Do That? it will help make sense of a lot of your dynamic and relationship/argument dynamics. It's not your fault.

u/cakemountains · 14 pointsr/askwomenadvice

If he's not abusive, he's awfully close. People who have abusive tendencies like to jump into relationships full speed to sort of 'trap' their partner. He is jealous, he tracks your location, confronts you when you don't respond fast enough (uh, you're in class!) or when he can't see where you are in real time, he's clingy, he's demanding of your time, he doesn't trust you even though you show him your communications with friends...

Okay, he's abusive.

The excitement of a new relationship, especially when they're super into you, is a rush. It happens. Sometimes it fizzles out under the best of circumstances; this is not the best of circumstances by a long shot.

Someone does not need an actual reason to break up with someone. Sure, it's great to be able to give one and it's great to be able to get one. But you have a lot of reasons to move on and move on fast before he escalates. BTW, there's a good chance he will be very angry if (hopefully when) you break up with him. Make sure friends are close by (don't let him know this) or do it in a very public area. Carry pepper spray if you must. If he has a key to your place, change the locks. Change your passcode on your phone or any password he knows. Delete/block him on all social media. If you do all this before you break up, he'll get suspicious. Write down a list of what you need to do so you don't forget. Then break up and take care of these things ASAP.

​

https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/wandmirk · 11 pointsr/polyamory

Jesus.

On top of lying, he's gaslighting you. That's really abusive and not okay. And then on top of that, when you call him out on it, he goes suicidal so that you have to switch into a caregiver position.

This person is manipulative and abusive. He knows exactly what he's doing and you deserve much better than this. Read 'Why Does He Do That?' as it's an excellent book or try out this You Are Not Crazy website.

I don't think you'll ever be able to win with this person because he's abusive. I think you should move forward by dumping him and finding someone who treats you better. <3

u/luna_red · 11 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I think a better question would be to ask "why does he do that".

Unless you've been in an abusive situation you won't really understand what goes on in a abused partners mind. There is so much manipulation and many different things that happen and cause the partner to stay. It has a lot to do with self worth- your self worth is beaten down and almost nonexistent.

I'm currently reading : "why does he do that" and it's written by a therapist who has spent his career speaking with abusive men or partners. It's really eye opening. Check it out.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0425191656?pc_redir=1406369631&robot_redir=1

u/TexasRadical83 · 11 pointsr/relationships

My girlfriend is a survivor of abuse. She recommends the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I think you might get lot out of it.

u/whiffypants · 10 pointsr/IAmA

No OP, but I'd like to strongly recommend Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (non-affiliate Amazon link) to you if you've never read it. It's one of the very best books you could ever read about the denial and other thought processes behind domestic violence.

> Do you have any tips on how I can maybe assist my former abusers in regards to reflecting on the situation?

You'll have more tips and authentic responses to give than you ever thought possible after reading that, not an exaggeration. The author gives many, plus it's such an eye opener that you'll definitely come up with a few of your own.

I literally can't recommend it enough for anyone having to deal with DV, either as a provider or a survivor.

u/somedayillfindthis · 9 pointsr/weddingshaming

Char is an an emotionally abusive relationship that's only going to escalate further into other forms of abuse. I'm afraid if she doesn't want to get out, you guys can't help her.

Dick is using the textbook tactic of isolating her from her friends. He didn't have an issue with your ads, he was looking for something to as a stepping stone to isolate someone who loves Char and is looking out for her happiness(in this case, you).

Try to reach out and let Char know you love her and are always willing to help out. It was a great idea to spend that much on wedding gifts. Dick might stop trying to get her away from you and that means Char can still come to you if she needs help. I'm not sure from the info here if you should tell her she's in an abusive relationship directly—you guys were raised by traditional families and Char might get a knee jerk defensive reaction if you tell her her husband is abusive.

I'd suggest you try and read Why Does He Do That? : https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/Aeilde_Light6 · 9 pointsr/TheGirlSurvivalGuide

Very true. Here's a link to purchase ($14) for those who can: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/Petskin · 9 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

> The most confusing thing about my mom is she goes back and forth. She will abuse me and then act like she did nothing and say she loves me. I’m just going to start listing the things she does because there are so many.

This is not only common as Vaadwaur said, but also exactly the intention. If she only did bad things, you'd start to seriously dislike her to the point where you'd fight back or flee. As she varies with bad stuff and good stuff the victim gets confused, and can't decide to escape. I think the book Why does he do that? had some bits of conversation with abusive men who did explain their strategy to some point in the book. It went somehow like this: 1. Beat the wife. 2. Apologize profusely claiming that you didn't want to do that but she had made him. 3. Be nice, take her out, be kind and loving. 4. Start over. And all that was intentional to break the victim's spirit.

/u/alwaysconfused64 's mother seems to know very well what she's doing, too. The book I mentioned above sells for maybe 8-9 dollars in second hand, and while I find it kind of semi-sexistic in the sense that it portrays only abusive men and victim women, it does have its points.

u/finnoulafire · 9 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I see it has been several hours now since this incident occurred. I hope that you have been able to make progress with the Police, and maybe make some phone calls to close family or friends. If you haven't done so yet, I encourage you today or tomorrow to call at least 1 person who is going to be your unconditional supporter and tell them what happened. It sounds like you have been very isolated recently, and whatever happens after this, I want you to reach out to that person who is going to be your teammate and cheerleader as you recover and plan for the future of your family.

The next thing I would say is to take his threats very seriously. It is good that you have written down some of the threats he made to you. If you are still in contact with the police, I would make a list of the threats he made and send it to the officer working on your case. Emphasize that you are afraid for the safety of multiple people - yourself, your child, and possibly other friends or family members who may try to protect you. Ask about the process of having a restraining order placed on him. Do you have a family member or friend you can stay with for a few days? Or who can come and stay with you? Look into changing the locks. If he tries to contact you, do not answer unless you have a police officer nearby.

Lastly, I want to leave two book recommendations that you may want to read over the next few weeks or months. The first is Why Does He Do That?. The second is The Gift of Fear. I hope you may be able to take the time to read these books and that they may provide some outside perspective for you.

u/VirginiaStepMonster · 8 pointsr/stepparents

>I know I wouldn't have permission.

A grown woman doesn't need permission. And a good partner says to his SO, "Hey honey, you should go! Don't worry, I got the kid. Go have fun!" And they mean it when they say it.

>He doesn't ever hit me

Sweetheart, he doesn't get brownie points for basic human decency. But I get this. I remember this line of thought, "Well, he's a jerk sometimes, but he doesn't hit me." Until he did. Until I ended up in the ER with a busted rib and lying to the nurses that it was an accident, that we were just playing. He hasn't hit you yet, but chances are that he will. He is escalating, and you are in danger.

>he doesn't raise his voice unless I try to talk to him, but he will ignore me for days on end if I do something unfavorable to him.

I hate this man so much. He has you absolutely convinced this is your fault. It is NOT YOUR FAULT.

>I did it all wrong.

No, you didn't. He did. He does. And those wonderful moments that you live for are the bait that he uses to keep you there as his personal footrest.

I recommended some books for you last time you where here. Did you get a chance to read any of them? If not, please get Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men and read it. You can find it on Amazon that I've linked to, and your local public library might have it as well. Read it, it is your life. I know, I've lived your life.

Please look at this as well. You are being abused. Only you have the power break the cycle and save yourself and your son.

u/Larry-Man · 8 pointsr/MorbidReality

I've read some of this book to understand the abusive relationships I've been it. It's all about control. These men claim they can't stop but it's calculated. It is not rage, it's manipulation to the nth degree. Abusive men like to keep women off balance and insecure. It's beyond as messed up as I've thought it was.

u/doomparrot42 · 7 pointsr/actuallesbians

Maybe she has a mental illness, maybe she grew up in an abusive home. Whatever the reason, horrible as it might sound, you can't help her, and trying to fix someone is frequently a great way to get trapped in an abusive relationship. It's aimed at women trying to understand abusive men, but you might want to check out Why Does He Do That. And maybe The Gift of Fear while you're at it.

u/reallyrunningnow · 7 pointsr/exmuslim

This might be something you should read. It explains a lot about control in a relationship.

u/Sahqon · 7 pointsr/exchristian

Try a rock concert. You'll feel the same euphoria, no wonder it's considered evil. Also might try r/frission. Or just a video game soundtrack, those work the same way.

Problem with your feelings is not that nobody else felt them, but that we can recreate them without the religion, even with just drugs. And there's also the problem where we know for certain, that religious events are carefully organized, using well known methods, same as any worldly event, to induce those feelings. Much like Moses with the snake, religion's tricks can be recreated by worldly means. It's just carefully applied psychology.

Speaking of psychology. Try reading Why Does He Do That, it has zero mention of religion, but it might give you some insight into how it works, and why people here reacted so angrily at your (for all you knew) innocent questions.

u/ProbablyNotPoisonous · 7 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Why Does He Do That? is a great book exploring this very question. The short answer is that they do it because they believe they have the right to. Abusers see themselves as victims. When they blame their victims for the abuse - e.g., "Look what YOU made me do/If you had done [X] I wouldn't have to get angry/You're lucky to have me because no one else would put up with your shit/etc." - they're not just saying that; it's what they actually believe.

u/clownfacekillah · 6 pointsr/sugarlifestyleforum

Money should be the icing on an already tasty cake in a sugar relationship, not a shock collar to control and abuse. I think you might benefit from this book more than op, don't get angry now ; )

https://www.amazon.ca/Does-Inside-Minds-Angry-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/CoffeeAddict64 · 6 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

If you ever want to know more there's also Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry Controlling Men.

u/Annemi · 6 pointsr/relationship_advice

Your daughter does not need and will not benefit from a father who abuses her mother. She will instead learn that it's OK for men to harm women, that her home is not safe, that her parents are untrustworthy (because her father is dangerous and you didn't get her out of a dangerous situation) and will probably wind up abused herself (people who abuse spouses often don't stop there). For your and your daughter's sake, YOU NEED TO GET OUT.

Also, he is absolutely using suicide as a manipulation tactic. It's a classic abuser tactic - lots of them do it because they don't care about your feelings, they just care about how your feelings let them manipulate you.

Some resources:

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

http://www.thehotline.org/

http://www.dvrc-or.org/safety-planning/

u/allusium · 6 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I’m so sorry that he treated you this way. You didn’t deserve it, no one does.

My therapist recommended that I read this book to understand more about the abuse that my person dished out and the particular tactics that she used to control me. If you Google it, you can find free copies to download.

I hope you’re able to find peace and healing.

u/sethra007 · 6 pointsr/childfree

> She says they've been doing counseling together and that his attitudes have changed, but I'm not sure I buy it.

You're instincts are correct.

Abusers can't be trusted to be honest in therapy. If anything, they tend to go to therapy so they can learn the therapeutic language needed to paint themselves as misunderstood people trying to recover from the addiction/an ugly childhood/etc. that drives their abusive behavior against their partner. Learning this language allows abusers to manipulate their partner, any therapists, and law enforcement.

We talk a lot about parental entitlement on this sub. Abusers feel entitled, too: they feel completely justified in abusing their partners. It tends to be something they learn as small children, seeing one parent abuse another, and they grow up believing that they have the right to abuse. Read through this PDF of a presentation to learn more.

source: Lundy Bancroft's seminal work Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. I do suggest you read Bancroft's book; it's excellent, and it really give you insight into how abusers think.

> should I tell her how I feel, should I just ghost out? Please advise.

If I've understood your post, you've already told her how you feel. She's chosen to disregard your concerns.

If you decide to say "Not my pig, not my farm" and ghost her, no one will blame you. She's doesn't realize how far gone she is yet, and it's going to get worse before it ever gets better.

If you still want to try to help her: is let her know that you're there for her when she's ready to leave, and slowly back away. Go to a "low contact" status with her--don't cut her off completely, but keep her at arm's length. Refuse to talk about her SO with her, saying things like "Well, you know I'm not his biggest fan", and then change the subject.

The trick here is to be available for her while not pushing her away. You know and I know how these situations tend to end, but right now she can't see it. She probably won't see it until things get really, really bad.

You have to decide if you can be the friend she can call when it all goes to Hell and she and her children need a quick getaway and a place to stay.

Good luck. It's painful to watch a friend go into an abusive relationship, and not see the signs that can be so obvious to the rest of us.

u/yishengqingwa666 · 5 pointsr/ExNoContact

Read "Why Does He Do That?" It will help you gain LOTS of insight on abusive men like your ex, and help you spot the red flags in the future.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/eukomos · 5 pointsr/GradSchool

Nonononono that is him being emotionally abusive, not you. That is a textbook example. You are doing normal, social things and he's trying to isolate you from other people who could support you should your relationship with him go south. Everything you're saying in this thread sounds like stuff an emotional abuser would say to you. You're the one who's really emotionally abusive? He's given up his dreams for you? If you leave him he'll have nothing? This is 100% the standard type of thing that an emotionally abusive partner says. It is not you. It's him.

He is probably a good person in some ways and I'm sure has done many positive things for you. I know you love him and that's totally valid. But this is classic emotional abuse. Please talk to someone, maybe a counselor at your school's health center? Make an appointment and just tell them what you've told us. Don't tell him about it, just make the appointment during normal working hours and go by and talk to a professional in person, I also highly recommend the book Why Does He Do That? which is one of the clearest explanations of abusive behavior in a romantic partner I've ever read. Also do not keep that at home where he can see it. I'm really pretty scared for you, please be careful.

u/sage_in_the_garden · 5 pointsr/ftm

Whooooa, whoa whoa. Your partner is abusive. Like, full stop. Abusive.

A) gaslighting, B) controlling your body, C) intentionally setting limits on who/what/how you can be.

A non-abusive partner does not have control over what medicine you take, how you cut your hair, what you wear. It's not a right to do any of that. Yes, a healthy relationship involves talking with the other partner, but a partner has a right to voice their concerns so that a consensus can be reached -- it doesn't involve dictating what the other can or can't do.

A non-abusive partner doesn't tell you what YOU'RE feeling. You are the person feeling it. Not them.

A non-abusive partner doesn't make ultimatums, and they certainly don't do it in such a manipulative way. Your partner knows exactly what he's doing, and it's pretty fucked up.

Unfortunately, there is no good answer for this other than a) talk to a therapist if you're not already. b) start planning an escape. I'm serious about that. a controlling partner means you're at risk for violence and coercion when you try to leave.

Please take me seriously on that. You owe an abusive partner NOTHING. You do not need to tell him that you're leaving. You do not need to tell him that you want to end the relationship. Please get out of your relationship. And be careful.

PS this is a good resource: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 / http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=83 (excerpts from the book).

u/her_nibs · 5 pointsr/stepparents

You might refer her to Lundy Bancroft's site -- lots of resources for mothers dealing with fathers looking for custody for the wrong reasons -- and his book. If her parenting has been good and her ex is really out for revenge -- and a man who ignores his kid for years and then deludes himself into thinking he should suddenly start doing loads of parenting is usually a dick -- they may be helpful.

If "says he'd never been interested until now, that he was an absent father" is accurate -- that makes things rather different than "a child with two parents, ideally with both of them loving that child, and it's about providing a stable home." My daughter is 9, hasn't seen her father since she was 4 and they were generally not happy visits, and I was very fortunate in court; he had screwed up enough and demonstrably enough that she's protected from him later trying to decide he's a "father." Which he is not. If there was the option for him to make a bid for custody now, and he did, my kid would be terrified, and I can't tell you what a strung-out mess I'd be. This is a guy who was abusive towards both of us and who chooses to be a deadbeat. The potential for forgiveness is long gone.

> Why on earth would you NOT want a father who tries to fight for access to their child?

Where was he up until now...? Parents, real parents, do not get to pick and choose when they are and are not going to be active in their child's life. It causes a lot of damage to the child if you're a 'parent' who buggers off for a spell, and if you're the parent left parenting solo with the traumatised child, it does, to me, make sense to stop viewing the abandon-er as a parental figure. The only good thing my ex has done for my child in the last five years is to leave us alone.

Perhaps there are unique and exceptional extenuating circumstances here, but from what can be packed into a reddit post, I'm on you're friend's side.

u/fem_fatale3 · 5 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes


The book " why does he do that" is really good and can help you to not fall for the manipulations. it also gives clear guidance on how to avoid and get out of those relationships

http://www.amazon.ca/Does-Inside-Minds-Angry-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/cheribom · 5 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

This sounds scarily close to what my best friend was married to. Putdowns and insults (both public and private), locked in his office gaming most of the day, low self-esteem translating to "everyone else is a dumbass."

It finally ended with him waving a gun around in a drunken rage, with their 5-year-old son in his bedroom hearing everything and being scared that "Daddy was going to kill me and Mommy."

Get the fuck out of there now.

Edit: Read "Why Does He Do That?" and possibly "The Emotionally Abused Woman." You need to understand that pretty much every abused woman has made the same excuses for her partner that you do. What he's doing is not okay.

u/godmakesmesad · 5 pointsr/exchristian

Read this book, and keep it hidden from him

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

if he is a narcissist by the way no counseling in the world is going to have an affect. Especially if he is malignant. Silent treatments are a sign of emotional abuse and the manipulation too.

Buying the guns worry me too. Also the suicide thing is disturbing too. Please do not leave in a way that he knows or tell him you are leaving. This is a guy you need to start hiding the money and planning a way to vanish without him knowing it, like when he is at work. That is some advice Lundy gives. I can see him beating you or hurting you if you tried to leave. Religion to be frank to this guy is just a control mechanism over you, to guilt you. He may not even really believe in it himself, it is about CONTROL and the church systems back up the support and control of the little women. When my marriage had trouble around 10 years qgo--he lost his career and we were under severe economic pressures, the churches treated me like utter shit. we were near splitting up, we were able to get counseling, and have things work out, but in my case there was freedom of belief and 15 years of otherwise happy marriage, the marriage survived and grew stronger. I am not sure you have much to work with here. If he doesn't respect your beliefs and who you are, that is missing a core foundation.

u/otitropanit · 4 pointsr/AlAnon

Yes. And I blamed alcoholism when it was other things. Here's how I got out of it - 4 books:

  1. Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
  2. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
  3. Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People
  4. Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

    It doesn't all fit neatly into one package, but I found glimpses of his behavior in all of these, and to see the strategy behind all of his toxic and abusive behavior was lifesaving.
u/avelaera · 4 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

I highly recommend "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It is excellent for anyone currently in or just out of an abusive relationship.

u/ChristIAmConfused · 4 pointsr/Christianity

If you need permission to leave then I will give it to you.

u/truthinherefornow I give you permission to leave this man masquerading as your husband. This marriage is built on lies and false pretence. It is as fake as Monopoly money. Your number one imperative is now your child, your parents, and yourself. There is no room for him on that list.

You have my permission to seek counseling at battered women shelters in your area. You have my permission to seek legal counsel and tell them you are broke and that you are in desperate need of help. You have my permission to put your child first and protect them from this idiot asshole that wastes his life abusing you. You my permission to love yourself and to treat yourself with the same love and patience that you treat your child with. You have my permission to leave and never look back. You have my permission to go to the police and ask them for assistance in leaving an evil man.

We don't always have good choices. Sometimes we can only choose between one evil thing and another evil thing. When you choose to leave him, you are choosing the option that gives you and your family life.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Please pick up a copy of this book, Why does He Do That? I've seen it recommended many times for understanding abusive spouses. It should be available in second hand book stores as well.

u/summerholiday · 4 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

The majority of abusers don't change. I strongly suggest you read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It's a book about how abusers minds work and why they do the things that they do. It also goes into how rare change is and what it takes for an abusive man to change (it takes a whole, whole lot). It was written by a man who worked as a counsellor for abusive men for 15 years so he knows what he is talking about. If you can't get a copy, PM and I can send you a pdf.

u/madpiratebippy · 4 pointsr/JustNoSO

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Read that, get out, get to your parents house tomorrow if you can. If it helps make your life easier, tell him you MIGHT go back if he goes to therapy. That he thinks you are trying to embarras him when you talk about what you aren't happy about in your marriage is a huge, huge red flag.

Contact your local women's domestic violence group and see if the camera thing is enough to get you on their radar because there's sure as shit emotional abuse going on.

Also see if you can get an emergency custody order so he can't take your kid.

He's going to do the same shit to your kid that he's doing to you. Go over to /r/raisedbynarcissists to see the kind of damage that can do.

Get out, if you can't do it for you, do it for your baby.

u/UnknownCitizen77 · 4 pointsr/JustNoSO

Abusers are not angry and violent all the time - if they were, no one would ever get close enough to be trapped in a relationship with them.

If you are looking for more insight on his behavior, many people on the JustNo forums highly recommend this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/kookaburra1701 · 4 pointsr/OkCupid

I was raised with similar messages: all strange men are trying to get in your pants, you can't trust them one bit, etc etc.

Funny how the people who have ACTUALLY been untrustworthy and tried to harm me were those who I knew and were close to me. In fact, some of the same people who warned me about what "all men" were like were the ones who took advantage the first chance they got.

The statistics bear out my experience - you are statistically much safer with strange men than with men you "know". You can never "know" who is safe and who isn't, you can only observe behaviors and learn which ones show disregard for other people.

Some books that really helped me because I can't afford therapy:

The Gift of Fear

In Sheep's Clothing

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men

While I was never in a relationship with anyone abusive or manipulative, reading these books helped me identify people whom I could have become more entangled with (professionally, platonically, romantically) and steered clear and thus avoided the ensuing dumpster fires. They made me much more confident in my ability to set appropriate boundaries and recognize when my boundaries were being violated, and that it was ok for me to call an end to any situation I didn't feel comfortable in. Just the knowledge that I could and would do so made me feel more comfortable.

I don't know if my rambling was in any way helpful, but really, do seek out resources in the form of therapy or self-help books. Getting out of an ingrained and destructive mindset is NOT EASY but it is so WORTH IT.

u/alohamira · 4 pointsr/relationship_advice

This is pretty close to the kind of environment I lived in with my ex fiance of 4 years. It was a roller coaster, and we would always have good times before the bad. Rinse and repeat. Abusers tend to do this because giving you good times to cling to makes you less likely leave, and because things aren't "always bad" all the time it makes you wonder if you're being unreasonable and makes you think that he really is trying to make an effort.
Considering that, I'm probably biased. I would say he is full of it and you need to leave before he gets physical with you. My ex did all of these things. The yelling, antagonizing, the punching through walls. The "light" pushing. Then it became hard shoves, and there were times he would tower over me and walk toward me to scare the hell out of me and he would not stop. Then the actual physical abuse came, but he resorted to these non-physical methods of abuse more often than the physical. He doesn't respect you. And he's not going to stop.

Please read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. It may help you as it did me.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_tvjJAb4603PHM

u/sixtyearths · 3 pointsr/AmItheAsshole

Yes, you were.

> I got pissed off at them and

Stop blaming your hateful and harassing decisions on anger. You made the choice to do this and you should own it.

> User then goes into a mental breakdown and

How dare you harass someone for days and blame their mental state when they take action to remove you from their life. You are abusive and your actions are straight out of the abuser's playbook.

> I genuinely didn't see myself as one

You still don't see it. See yourself for how you are before you seriously damage someone in your life.

u/[deleted] · 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

I don't have any specific advice but I think you would be helped by the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft

It's a lame title but the author has worked with abusive men who are court ordered to therapy and has a lot of insight into the psychology of abusers. Abusers feel ENTITLED to say/do whatever it takes to control you.

All of the guilt your boyfriend is heaping onto you regarding your financial dependence on him is just a way to control you. He has successfully made you feel like the bad guy for something you haven't done yet (leave him).

Frankly I feel like most every woman could learn something from this book because we rationalize shitty behavior and we shouldn't. People deserve to feel safe. Everyone has faults; being imperfect doesn't mean you deserve verbal, emotional or physical abuse.

There are many men out there that are straight-up, no bullshit LOVING, who want to make you HAPPY and would never want to make you feel like shit. It's not a fantasy fairy tale. If you have to make excuses for your man, dump that zero and get with a gyro. The size of your apartment does not make a man abusive.

u/Wuffles70 · 3 pointsr/relationships

Oh hon. There are a lot of frustrated reactions here but I just wanted to say that EVEN IF this guy is not cheating on you (big if...), what he has just done has a name - it's psychological abuse. No, calling it abuse is not melodramatic, it's what he's doing. It is really not surprising that you're feeling confused, embarrassed and upset.

I'm not going to tell you to break up with him - plenty of people have given you that message already. What I suggest is taking some time to yourself. Switch off your phone (with or without telling him what you are doing, it honestly doesn't matter at this point as long as he doesn't get to talk out his preferences with you. This time is non-negociable) and tell any housemates that he is not coming in the house and not to let him in. I heard you have a kid - give them to a trusted guardian for a day trip or something so you can have the place to yourself. Have a hot bath, pamper yourself in whatever way you love best and just give yourself some TLC for a bit. You are worth the attention and you've had a big shock - you deserve the time to recuperate. Keep up the lack of contact until you feel a bit more centred.

OK, what now? Get a copy of [Why Does He Do That? ] (http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656) and read through it, bearing in mind that abuse comes in all shapes and sizes and he has proved very well recently that he does not have to hit you to hurt you. It might not change your mind about staying with him but it will give you an insight into the more manipulative aspects of his behaviour.

I wish you all the best and hope things feel calmer and better for you soon.

u/boumboum34 · 3 pointsr/needadvice

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Something struck me though--I'm going to guess that, so far, it's only your stuff he's broken, right? Not his own? That's one of the signs of an abuser. Many abusers start out wonderful and only gradually start showing their dark side. Many abusers were themselves abused as kids--it's part of the cycle.

I really wish I could wave a magic wand and make all the bad stuff go away and he'd stay the wonderful guy he started out as.

One of the best books I've ever read about abusers, why they're like that, and how to deal with them, is "Why Does He Do That?" (your local library probably has a copy of it).

It may not apply 100% to your boyfriend, as yours seems more driven by intense emotional pain and the overwhelming need to drug the pain away than by thoughs of getting revenge for what he suffered as a kid. But he's got too much anger in him.

His statement of "you're trying to control" me is one of the typical mindgames abusers play.

You can't help someone who doesn't want help. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. I guess in his mind his past abuse is perfect justification for present misbehavior and self-destructiveness--and perfect justification for low self-esteem, another driver of the drugs and self-destruction.

All of this sounds really harsh. But abusers by definition play a lot of mind games not just with others but with themselves. And they always think it's perfectly okay for them to do whatever they're doing, no matter what anyone else thinks. And most abusers are usually extremely charming and easy to like in the beginning--they seem like the ideal romantic partner. That's the mask they put on to attract victims.

I don't know if that describes your boyfriend, but too many similarities.

I am really, really sorry this is happening to you. It's not just that you deserve better, but he deserves better, too--from himself.

He has to choose. Ask him if he wants help. Ask him if he wants to change. Ask him when he's sober and acting decent, not when he's fucked up. If he doesn't want to change or get help, there's nothing you can do except protect yourself. Leave him.

Sometimes they have to bottom out before they really seek out help. There is still hope. Craig Ferguson went through this himself, major alcohol problem, lots of pain...bottomed out and realized he would die if he didn't change. And he realized he wanted a different life and to be a better man. He did it. But it was he who made that choice. Nobody could do it for him. He couldn't even acknowledge he had a problem until he woke up on Christmas day homeless in a pool of urine having passed out the night before. But look at him now. Great guy, lots of class, on top of the world now.

There's hope, still.

Tell him, "Call me, when you decide you want to change, and you want help. Until then, so long--you were great until the drinking and drugs."

u/Phoenie81 · 3 pointsr/datingoverforty

Hi mate

This is devastating and I'm sure a lot of women are reading this thinking "me too". Its so painful. You were honest about wanting marriage (and let's face it most women in their 40s would want it or be open to the idea) . He's strung you along when you've put so much time and work into him. It's so upsetting and I'm sorry its happened.

A few things you said raised some flags for me. Lying a lot, lavish gifts, phoning you all the time and anger issues is a sign of a controlling man. Have you read why does he do that? Inside the mind of angry and controlling men It could help.

I'm sorry that this has happened and I really understand what you say about how there are worse out there. Being single and OLD is hard. You deserve better than this

u/LocalAmazonBot · 3 pointsr/relationships

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u/skippedrecord · 3 pointsr/RBNRelationships

This is super common for ACONs, there are books (Not The Price Of Admission, Why Does He Do That?). But the real solution might be therapy, it's difficult and sucky and you should probably be single while you work on yourself but there isn't really an easy answer to this one.

u/tkannelid · 3 pointsr/writing

Abusers in general tend to be charming in public, well-liked, and they keep their abuse quiet. Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? is a good description of how this works, what to expect, how abusers tend to think, and the odds of improvement.

One thing that stood out to me was the cycle of charm vs abuse. The abuser appears charming to their victim, respectful, showering them with attention, the perfect romantic partner. Then they switch off and turn scary, possibly violent -- whatever their type of abuse entails.

Another type is the character who has full social graces but no moral fetters. They might even have noble goals, but they are not willing to constrain their means.

u/IrascibleOcelot · 2 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

http://outofthefog.net

Issendai

Drama of the Gifted Child

Why Does He Do That? (not limited to abusive males, btw)

As for taking her in? That should be a dealbreaker. She will absolutely force him to choose between you, overtly or covertly. She will make your life hell. You have to make that choice now; if he can't side with you, walk.

u/allaballa8 · 2 pointsr/relationships

Leave now and worry about sorting things out later. You need to get some distance from her. You need to remove yourself from that toxic situation. I was also with an abusive partner, and I developed anxiety from living with him for so long. In the long run, you're only hurting yourself. For your own good, LEAVE NOW.

She'll never understand. For a relationship to succeed, both partners must be willing to put in the effort. In your case, your wife doesn't seem willing to make ANY effort. If she were at least listening to you without getting a fit, I would have suggested therapy. But she's not willing to meet you half way, so you're fighting a battle you already lost.

You should read Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft to understand her thought patterns and why she'll never change. (genders reversed for the book, of course). With intense therapy and strong desire to become better, she might change. It will take YEARS. Why would you want to live like that? Waste your life on a gamble? It's not worth it. No one is. You deserve to be happy. If you can only be happy away from her, than that's what you should do, without any guilt. Does she feel any guilt for treating you like this? Most definitely not, or she would stop doing it. You don't owe her anything anymore.

If you're too ashamed to ask for help from friends/family, don't be. First of all, they'd probably not be surprised. Trust me, outsiders notice the warning signs way before the people in the relationship do. Way, way before. Second, you'll be amazed at how understanding and supportive they will be. Just look at the comments here from complete strangers - your friends will support you even more, because they care about you.

Oh, and that thing about her realizing she's hurting you? Just lip-service to keep her punching bag around. That is you, in case you were wondering.

It will get better once you're on your own. Please provide a happy update.

u/exoskull · 2 pointsr/psychotherapy

Lundy Bancroft has some great books that focus on DV. Why Does He Do That is a good place to start.

u/PlaceForMyPonies · 2 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Give them this book: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind Of Angry and Controlling Men
It worked for my mother.

u/spinspin__sugar · 2 pointsr/BPD

No not weird at all! Am happy to share knowing it'll help you. I remember being where you are ~2years ago now. I was very confused and in denial for so long, I doubted my own perceptions because they were masters at making me feel like I was simply just crazy. There's an overwhelming amount of resources online about narcissistic abuse, and even how pwBPD and pwNPD are drawn to each other in the "toxic dance" of feeding into each other's sickness. Don't get too caught up in reading those sites, it's important to educate yourself but it's also all too easy to become obsessed and staying locked in a victim mentality instead of moving forward.
Do not question yourself. If it's one thing I learned from all my abusive relationships it's to ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT. My body knew early on that something felt off, I would have these fleeting moments where I felt distinctly unsafe and deeply unsettled but having no idea why or where it came from. It just took my mind a lot longer to catch up and figure out what was going on.

For me, the hard part wasn't figuring out the abuse though. The hard part was actually getting out of it. I researched, I obsessed, I rationalized- I did Olympic levels of mental gymnastics to convince myself of reasons to stay. That maybe they're just sick, and I'm sick, and we could help each other by just staying together and fighting through it. It took me months before I fully accepted reality and went no contact. The turning point for me was realizing that the abuse would never stop, those kind of abusers do. not. change. I highly recommend reading "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
The author is a counselor specifically for abusive men, he has experience with thousands of abusers and he wrote this book to educate and give insight into the minds of these guys. He lays it out in the first chapter, abusers don't change (it's extremely rare, and more often than not, the change is temporary). This book was the game changer for me, it helped me understand that abuse isn't some uncontrollable symptom of a mental illness-- it's a choice. It's about power and control, power and control that abusers do not and will not give up. Really knowing that is what gave me the strength to say no more.

Sorry this got so long and wordy, if you have any questions about anything don't hesitate to ask. I also really want you to know that you are a beautiful and worthy human being who deserves to be loved and respected<3

u/Scrapple666 · 2 pointsr/adultery

Read that book, "Why Does He Do That?", both enlightening and totally depressing. TL;DR it's about power and control. If someone brought up an issue with your behavior you'd probably work with them to solve that problem because your top goals are a quality relationship where the other person is happy. But when your top priority is power and control (because your ego is too weak to let yourself be real, you equate being giving with "pussy whipped") then you'll manipulate, deny, do whatever it takes to not own up to your behavior because the smallest admission of fault weakens your position.

Also, he projects/assumes you're like him, that your issues are just a power play, that you're looking at others, duplicitous, because he is. If he'd let himself be at all self-analytical he'd see how irrational and counterproductive his behavior/jealousy is, but self-reflection is too risky for his ego. And he wants to have some distance, too, to be free to see other women and even blame you for that ("we were on a break!")

Don't fall into the trap of demonizing his other women. He pulled the same crap with them.

This is why even after I'm divorced AP'll stay my lover, never a boyfriend (which is fine bc after marriage I don't want a man's dirty socks on my floor any time soon again if ever).

I curse my sexual needs. Were it not for them I could still be married to a good guy and I wouldn't put up with AP's antics for 5 minutes.

u/GreenLizardHands · 2 pointsr/infj

There's a book and abusive relationships called Why does he do that, and it has a section all about what the abuser gets out of it. And there are actually a lot of things.

One that struck me was that being an abuser means it's easier to get what you want. You don't ever have to make real compromises either. They agree to do what you want, you agree to cut back a little on the abuse.

So, it's a way to avoid being an equal contributor in a relationship, and avoid responsibilities.

EDIT: Here is the book on Amazon. Under $10 for the paperback version. If you're thinking of getting it for a friend that is in an abusive relationship, get it shipped to yourself, and read it (or at least read the last chapter) before following through with giving the book to them.

u/tetonbananasammich · 2 pointsr/NRelationships

These guys are con men, they do that intentionally. It's not you. It's a tactic they use to throw you off balance to keep you doubting yourself, trying to please them and under control. Read anything by Lundy Bancroft, but in particular this one:
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Good luck!

u/akelew · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

> I don’t know what to do. I kinda want to leave and stay somewhere else. I don’t want to see him. Why would he does this to me? I don’t know what to think. What should I do? I love him but I think this is crazy.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/Queen_E · 2 pointsr/AskWomen

I don't know that I'm navigating life all that well, but some little things have helped and why not share with the class? I think I have underlying mental health issues (depression, anxiety) worsened by trauma (rape, attempted rape which morphed into PTSD, I think) and a narcissistic dad.

  • Books! I read so much about this stuff. I actually find therapists really terrible, because I can tell I'm more well-versed than them. Which sounds snotty, but I think I've had bad luck and, like, what am I paying you for if I can tell you're
    Here are a few helpful ones:
    Sexual healing, literally https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730
    https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933/
    PTSD and trauma: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/
    Shitty men: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/
    Shitty parents: https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/r
    https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/
    A Buddhist reminder that to live is to suffer: https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Anniversary/dp/1611803438
    Brene Brown, duh: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Vulnerability-Teachings-Authenticity-Connection/dp/1604078588
    (All the eating disorder books I read have been useless, and I am probably depressed and I'm certainly anxious but the literature on that never quite fits.)

  • Learning to stand up for myself has been huge, but lately it has really kicked into high gear and it has involved lots of screaming. I'm really nice and polite and if I get ignored too much when I need to not be ignored, I melt down and scream. Usually the object of my screaming deserves it 100%, but I'm hoping this is just a phase because it wears me out and I feel like I'll get put in an institution one day, even though the episode never lasts more than a couple hours. I got stalked and cornered in a parking lot once, and men who come too close and don't listen to my polite, repeated requests to back off, well, they get an earful. I've had a lifetime of feeling unheard and abused, so I don't feel a ton of shame about it. I'm trying to find other productive ways, but, man, this world sucks and sometimes screaming feels like the most rational thing. (To be clear, I do this, like, once every three months max!)

  • I wrote a letter to my dad once, telling him I hated all the shitty things he did to me and I cut him out of my life. Probably the best decision of my life. I did it thinking I just needed a little break, but almost eight years later, it feels pretty permanent and like it's given me the space I need to truly heal. Cut off your toxic relationships if you can!

  • Venting helps immensely, whether with my friends, my mom, my journal or a therapist. I told a therapist that the main reason I found her helpful was because she was a neutral third party who had to listen to me and she got really offended. But it's true! Most of my therapists have not been able to be much more than a sounding board. I am open-minded, but their ideas were either useless or offensive. The ideas I found in books were so much more helpful (like the writing my dad a letter thing was right out of the Toxic Parents playbook! No therapist ever suggested any of that!)

  • Weed is the only thing that truly helps me come down when I'm majorly triggered or anxious (ie when I have a screamy day), but Ativan isn't bad either.

  • For anxiety, I do better if I've had 7 hours of sleep, no caffeine and as little sugar as possible. I always feel best if I hike, bike, run, elliptical, lift weights and swim. Being worn out keeps the anxiety at bay and I sleep better.

  • I watch a lot of TV and spend a lot of time on the internet. It's a distraction and I don't find it terribly healthy or productive, and I'd usually rather be doing something else. But I get really anxious if I'm alone with my thoughts and it helps.

  • I still haven't figured out if I'm an introvert or extravert and maybe it's dumb to care about, but if I'm around chill people, I tend to do much better. I read and write a lot and am shy and introspective, and I used to prefer being alone, which I guess would make me an introvert. But I've been very PTSDy lately, and having friends and family around me is a good distraction, I feel much safer and I seem fine enough that no one ever seems to comprehend how I could end up in a psych ward out of the blue one day. The thing is hanging out with friends requires money and I don't have a job because of my PTSD, so I feel myself sliding downhill. I wish I had money just so I could cook for my friends all the time or go out to dinner and drinks regularly. I get anxious about being a fucking mooch all the time :/

    Okay, that's prob good, right?
u/faitswulff · 2 pointsr/women

There's a great book called "Why Does He Do That?" that at some point says that abuse is not a psychiatric illness, but a value system where abusers prioritize their agency over their victims - and furthermore that the psychiatric community was complicit in victim-blaming (excerpt on page 279, look for the bit about Sigmund Freud). I couldn't find a totally apropos quote and I can't find my copy of the book at the moment, but here the author, Lundy Bancroft, addresses the inability to apply a psychiatric label to abuse:

> The basic reference book for psychiatric conditions, the Diagnotic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), includes no condition that fits abusive men well. Some clinicians will stretch one of the definitions to apply it to an abusive client -- "intermittent explosive disorder," for example -- so that the insurance will cover his therapy. However, this diagnosis is erroneous if it is made solely on the basis of his abusive behavior; a man whose destructive behaviors are confined primarily or entirely to intimate relationships is an abuser, not a psychiatric patient.

Another way to think of it is to look at the definition of a mental disorder:

> A mental disorder, also called a mental illness or psychiatric disorder, is a behavioral or mental pattern that causes significant distress or impairment of personal functioning
>
> - Wikipedia

With abuse, the distress or impairment isn't personal but targets someone else.

Full excerpt: https://books.google.com/books?id=xEZIpu3SVvcC&lpg=PP1&vq=psych&pg=PA39#v=onepage&q=dsm&f=false

Highly recommend the book.

u/crazybunny19 · 2 pointsr/AmItheAsshole

NTA. These are some serious red flags. He's reckless, rude, and he doesn't care about you (or anyone else). He doesn't care about your safety or comfort. I was with a narcissist for 24 years, and while I don't know enough about him to say for sure, he certainly fits the bill. He treats you like shit. There is no way you can word any suggestion, let alone a complaint, that won't piss him off. I highly recommend you read this book. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 I'm betting you will see a lot of similarities to your husband. I can also hook you up with some support groups if you're interested. Shoot me a message if you want.

u/Aanonymousnarc · 2 pointsr/abuse

Have you heard of a book by Lundy Bancroft? “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of Angry and controlling men?”
book Lundy Bancroft
He is an expert on abusive relationships. When i left my situation it helped me to much to read his book and understand the tactics that are used to keep us trapped in that cycle. Also, he describes different types of abusers and the ones who are most dangerous and most likely to get very violent when you leave. What happened with me is I had had enough. I was tired enough. I was scared enough. It was almost just survival. The last fighting part of me gave me the strength to leave. But.. i will say beforehand there were certain steps i took. Like you asking this on here. That’s a step. I started reaching out for help. I went to our local crises center that has a great program called the abused persons program and i forced myself to go there and speak to a counselor. I was gut level honest and told her i was there to say what was happening to me and that I knew that my ex could/ would kill me. I wanted someone to know who it was if i was killed, I also said I knew i wasn’t ready to leave him. But i was hoping that i would get more strength from coming there. I did. One night after a particularly scary incident where he held a knife to my throat for hours. Basically held me hostage, i decided that was it. I drive over to the crises center and said i was ready to press charges. They had an arrangement with local law enforcement where you went to a special domestic violence centered place to do it so it didn’t have to be a male police officer in just a reg station. I did it and I followed through. All the way through a full jury trial and testifying against him. I knew the statistics that the majority of women drop charges and go back. Or don’t follow through. I decided I was going too. So,I did. I was told he was very dangerous by sex/homicide detective but I accepted that and I knew I was going to do what I needed to do. It sounds like if he is injuring you that badly it has escalated to a dangerous level. I was there too. I knew he was likely to kill me if i stayed. So I had nothing to lose. I got help even before I was ready to leave. I educated myself about the abuser personality, and my part in it. I learned about the cycle of abuse and how there is always the honeymoon period where the abuser “woos you back.” After the abuse episode. It made me come out of my denial. I basically took little tiny steps. Bc that was all i could do.. but they added up until i could leave.

u/concise_dictionary · 2 pointsr/AskWomen

I've heard good things about a book called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It's helped some of my friends find some peace after getting out of nasty relationships, maybe it will help you too.

u/anthrogeek · 2 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Read this book, it will help. Also if you're a uni student your school should have therapists on staff, go see them. Trust me on that one, it will save you a lot of pain in the future. Even if you're not most therapists will be more then willing to charge you based on a sliding scale per income.

u/babybulldogtugs · 2 pointsr/JustNoTalk

So, please read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. Amazon has the intro and first two chapters for free. You can read that except here by scrolling down to the "About this item" section. Please, please, please at least read the excerpt.

The book has a glaring flaw of not recognizing that women can abuse men just as much as men can abuse women. However outside of that it is a brilliant book about dealing with controlling men.

It is easier to get out sooner rather than later, and much easier to get rid of him before he convinces you to let him move in and control your finances. And definitely easier now than it will be if you get pregnant.

Read that book, and tell him to go.

u/crystanow · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

Stay strong - I'm so glad to hear it's over. These 2 books have helped me a lot, I would suggest them for your situation:

http://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Lovers-Cope-Recover-Move/dp/0882822837

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/unphogiveable · 2 pointsr/NarcissisticAbuse

> I feel overwhelmingly guilty that I am ruining his life.

> If he made me cry from screaming at me

> I used to call them when he'd start scaring me really bad

> he wouldn't let me go celebrate

> He told me I was too sensitive

> He screamed at me

> he proceeded to use it for about 8 months without my knowledge

> I wanted something we both liked but that wasn't an option

> I wasn't allowed to be on my phone unless he was

> my feelings are invalidated

> He never let me spend money on myself

> act like he was such a philanthropist for childrens charity

> Would pressure me into having kids

> based his happiness on "things"

> He lost it when I got my old bed and a few items I had pre-marriage

> He wants me to pay for two of his credit cards and pay him alimony on top of all of this

> he bought a brand new laptop that month

> He also wants to get 75% of the profit from the house

Just wanted to pull these and make sure they are starkly listed out. Your husband is incredibly abusive. I am SO excited for the life you will have without him in it! :D What has helped me to feel better/less guilty is to thoroughly research narcissism. Once I understood that my N was a complete vampire and was just using me for adoration and power trips, my guilt began to recede. There are some good links in the sidebar, and there's a list of books that people have found helpful there, too. The most popular is "Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.

Also, start doing things for you. Do things you like or care about. It doesn't sound like he's given you much of a chance to do them. Best of luck, and feel free to hang out in this community! It's been super helpful for me as well as many others.

u/Crispy_Fish_Fingers · 2 pointsr/WTF

Great resources on verbal/emotional abuse (which almost always precede physical abuse): The Verbally Abusive Relationship, and Why Does He Do That?. Both books saved my life. Literally.

u/Turksarama · 2 pointsr/AskMen

I think people are downvoting you because this attitude is quite unhealthy, but I'm upvoting you because it's very understandable that this is very difficult.

You still have to leave him though. What he is doing is abuse, it will not end well for you if you stay with him. Being single after being in a relationship for so long will probably suck, but it will suck a lot less than either getting pregnant or otherwise being stuck in a relationship where you're both going to start hating each other more and more.

You might not believe me that he's actually abusive. I reccomend you read this book then make up your own mind. Your comment about women being more suitable so you can feel more in control? ANY non abusive partner will never make you feel not in control of your own life.

I'll say it again: leave him. Read the book first if you aren't convinced but you have to eventually or you will never be as happy as you should be.

u/MidlifeBliss · 2 pointsr/emotionalabuse

Try reading this book, it helped me a lot. Also a few months of NO CONTACT also helped. Be with friends and family who can support you through this.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/pktechgirl · 2 pointsr/relationships

Lots of people. "Why Does He Do That?" talks about about several explanations, the two biggest being: the abuser escalates gradually so that by the time they do something overt the victim doesn't have the resources to fight back, and the process of "traumatic bonding" means that it can actually be emotionally harder to leave an abusive relationship than a healthy one.

u/krakkem · 2 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Oh man. I've been where you're at. I found out my exes actively lied (and still do) about why other girlfriends and I left the relationship. You never deserved any of this abuse. I'm going to give the most straightforward answers I can:

> Was I emotionally abused?

Yes. BTW, throwing things counts as pre-battering abuse. Believe me, it would have only escalated. Verbal, emotional, and mental abuse are all precursers before throwing things and physical violence. I really recommend you read Why Does He Do That?. It helped me recognize some of the abuse that I had normalized and written off as "not abusive" because it didn't fit my mental stereotype of abusive people.

> He said that I was the most amazing and sweetest girl ever, and he would never ever hurt me. He wanted to marry me and take care of me. Were they true? Or did he fall in love with an idealistic projection of me?

Yes and no. The feeling was sincere, but the mechanics to follow through on that promise are nonexistent. He has already hurt you. When actions don't meet up with words, consider it a lie.

> Did I fail to be a partner by not staying? Should I stayed with him while he recovers from treatment?

No, you didn't fail him. The price of being abusive is that you lose the person you were abusing. Your only obligation is to take care of yourself. You are not responsible for his feelings. You are not responsible for how he chooses to act.

> My exbf said he would stay with me even if I was mentally ill and sick, and I was selfish because I couldn't do the same for him... Was he right?

Again, yes and no. Is it inherently selfish to put your needs in front of others? Yes. But most people also advise against hopping in to try and physically save a drowning man. They will pull you under to drown as well in their desperation. He's emotionally drowning, but he will pull you under. The selfishness to survive and escape a dangerous situation is a healthy reaction and the best decision.

> Another big reason I broke up was the fear. I fear that he has a very real potential of escalating the violence. I read somewhere that the biggest indicator for domestic violence was even asking this question. I don't know.

It might be. But honestly, as someone who didn't leave until after it escalated to physical abuse, I can tell you your story rings very familiar. Abusive people aren't abusive all the time, but there are stages. Emotional, mental, and verbal abuse groom you into accepting escalating abuse and violence. If he's at the stage of throwing things and you are scared, please give credence to the fear.

A final note: It's really hard to leave and very understandable that you have conflicting feelings. I really recommend that you save whatever evidence you have of the abuse. Do not talk to him on the phone, make sure any and all communication is in writing. Leaving will escalate the abuse because he'll be frantic at being abandoned. You can generally expect an enlightened moment where they admit they have issues, a lot of promises to do better, and then the cycle of abuse will continue into the honeymoon phase before the next abusive incident happens. It is going to be strange and confusing and will really hurt. Stick to your guns and get therapy if you need it. You are brave and smart and you got out! I'm really proud of you for getting out sooner rather than later and looking for help.

Edited because I forgot a sentence.

u/thenewnature · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

Don't talk to him. Threatening suicide is not about actually wanting to kill himself, it's about trying to gain control over you. If he wanted to do it, he'd do it. What he wants is to continue to emotionally torture you until you decide to get back together with him out of guilt or whatever. It isn't a healthy dynamic, and he's not your responsibility. Check out the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. https://www.amazon.ca/Does-Inside-Minds-Angry-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/reallynomoreusername · 2 pointsr/socialwork

"why does he do that" was an excellent book which helped me deepen my analysis and view of violence (and that comes after years on a sexual assault crisis line)
https://www.amazon.ca/Does-Inside-Minds-Angry-Controlling/dp/0425191656

good luck in your new position!

u/blackblackmamba · 1 pointr/TwoXChromosomes

Interesting, that certainly seems to describe my situation. There were many times when I wanted to leave the relationship but I was told by my ex that I would never find anyone better, this was as good as it would get for me, did I really think I was worth it, "good luck with life, honey," and so on. It was pretty awful, actually.

I just checked out the book and I am intrigued but I was wondering what you think of reviews such as these?

u/bprflp · 1 pointr/suggestmeabook

Why Does He Do That: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. Written by a male therapist who led group therapy for abusive men, some in the correctional system. They shared their methods. He really breaks it all down. Author is Lundy Bancroft.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/reviews/0425191656/ref=cm_cr_dp_mb_top?ie=UTF8

u/Xtal · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

I just got out of an abusive relationship. I recently read a book (after getting out) that was very helpful, called "Why Does He Do That?"

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1269632589&sr=8-1

Pick up a copy of this book, and lend it to your friend, if she has time to read it when her husband's not around. The author also recommends a book called "To Be an Anchor in the Storm" for people who have friends or relatives in abusive relationships.

http://www.amazon.com/Be-Anchor-Storm-Families-Friends/dp/1580050379/ref=pd_sim_b_50

u/humanshit · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

For sure; it just teaches them to manipulate you and disguise their intentions better. And they get that self-righteous attitude and start using therapy/psych jargon...makes me want to swan dive off a roof.

"Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft is a great book that has helped me a lot with recovery. I highly recommend it if you haven't read it! It can be a bit triggering at times, but overall it's fantastic and so insightful. I linked the Amazon page but you can definitely find a pdf online if you look around. It's pretty well-known in the abuse victim pocket online, so you've probably found it, but for anyone who sees it and hasn't, check it out if that's something you're struggling with!

u/Waterrat · 1 pointr/AskReddit

Read:
Why does he do this?
Inside the minds of angry controlling men.

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

And YES you need to get away from him . But don't be surprised if he stalks you and makes all manner of threats to keep you under his control.

u/angelS_A_D · 1 pointr/internetparents

I recommend this book. It will at least tell you how to not have a relationship.

I found it very helpful in developing a "sense" for those kinds of people and how to detect them early on before you let them get too close.

It mainly tells you red flags to look out for, but also how a partner should be treated as well.

Btw even though the author uses "he" and talks about men abusing women, these ideas can apply to any gender (minus the parts where he talks about sexism contributing to their attitudes).

u/entropys_child · 1 pointr/raisedbynarcissists

This is classic abuser behavior. Intimidate the victim, isolate them, even discredit them by lying about their behavior and mental state (i.e., child "is so dramatic", "exaggerates", "lies", "is abusive to parent", "is mentally ill", "is on drugs").

I see you are trying to wrap your head around how your NDad can be the way he is-- I recommend you read Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 It's addressed to partners of abusive men, but applies to abusive parents as well.

"His valuable resource covers early warning signs, ten abusive personality types, the abusive mentality, problems with getting help from the legal system, and the long, complex process of change. After dispelling 17 myths about abusive personalities, he sheds light on the origin of the abuser's values and beliefs, which he finds to be a better explanation of abusive behavior than reference to psychological problems." Library Journal from an Amazon review

"One of the prevalent features of life with an angry or controlling partner is that he frequently tells you what you should think and tries to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and beliefs," another review quoting from the book

If it is not safe for you to order the book, you can still browse through the 1300+ customer reviews, search the author and title for internet content on the topic, and maybe look for it at a library.

u/compengineerbarbie · 1 pointr/LosAngeles

I highly recommend this book. It's good for understanding and recovery. Most probably saved my life once. <3

u/Mycel · 1 pointr/raisedbynarcissists

I had that happen as well, though I didn't realize it as much at the time.

First, since you asked, some books:

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Toxic Parents

Why Does He Do That?(still applicable if you change genders)

If you're able to move away, you should. You need to get as much distance as you can to build your own life and personality. I think I took five years before I started becoming the person I am now, and I'm still a ways to go in building my self-esteem.

If you can't move, like u/LuluThePanda said, you should still start doing daily affirmation habits. Little steps matter, even as little as saying "why yes, I do look pretty awesome today." You need to start "faking it until you make it" - it won't come naturally at first, but the more you do it, the better it will feel, and the more it will feel like it's really you.

Also, you may want to stop telling your mother about successes you have. It's your call, but I found that my mother didn't actually have any interest in my doing well, more that I could act as her council when called on. That and she doesn't understand what success means in my field. I stopped talking about any luck I had/goals I reached, and it helped me stay calm more often.

Good luck, and stay strong! You're doing great!

edit: formatting

u/Tristetryste · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

Please check out [Why Does He Do That](Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Xfd8CbPB67F58)?

I just started reading this recently and learning about the methods that abusive men use both mentally and physically has been an eye opener to me. I truly hope that you aren't in an abusive relationship, but you definitely deserve to know what your husband does and you are definitely not stupid.

u/SilkyOatmeal · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

It sounds like he's been pushing you away for a while now. His angry outbursts over super minor stuff are a cover for something else -- some other feelings or plans. When he flipped a table at you, that was abuse. Even without any physical threats, he's exhibiting abusive behavior. He's setting you up for failure by suggesting the rules are different for him vs you.

Him playing video games = ok.
You playing video games = bad girlfriend!

He needs to paint you as the villain so he can justify whatever fucked up little story is in his head.

It's interesting that you don't have the heart to kick him out, but he doesn't seem to have much compassion for YOU. I suggest reading up about abusive relationships, mainly so you see the red flags earlier and don't move in with another guy like this. This book helped me get out of a shitty marriage:
Why Does He Do That; Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
(and yes, I know women can be abusive too)

Be glad he's on his way out of your life. This could have gotten much MUCH worse. Good luck and take care of yourself!

u/maronie71 · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

OP: rapists tend to minimize their behavior because they don’t want to face up to the reality that they are sick individuals. They would rather put the onus on you to “get over it”.

You did well to offer an alternative. If he is still engaging in this activity after your clear instructions not to do this, plus your offered alternative, you are most likely in for escalating behavior.

An eye-opening read is the book “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men”

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

The author studied rapists for this book, and if I remember correctly, the abusive men always minimized and rationalized their behavior and never took full responsibility for their actions. They never thought themselves as monsters.

I would HIGHLY recommend this book to all folks who are wondering “what the fuck am I dealing with?”

OP, some responders on this thread are thinking of this as a kink. I am wondering if there has been a change in the relationship dynamic where your husband might feel he is losing control, and is trying to regain it by violating your body when you are least able to defend yourself.

Love and lots of prayers to you. It is what you think it is. Trust your gut and act accordingly.

u/pencilears · 1 pointr/AdviceAnimals

there's therapy for abusers, it's just they tend to be adverse to changing themselves. they abuse people because it means they get to essentially bend the world to their will and that kind of power-obsessed jackass doesn't ever actually change.

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 a book written by a person who's job it is is to fix abusers.

what an abuser wants is a slave. one they don't even have to tell what to do because the slave already knows and has already done it. they will beat an ordinary person into that shape any way they can. this is why therapy is focused on the victim, they're the one who's been hurt and needs help.

as far as I'm concerned what the abuser needs is a taste of the cat-misbehavior water spray bottle.

I'd say my major red flag for my shitty relationship is "do you have to be drunk/stoned to deal with all this, and does your partner want to keep you that way or not like you when you're sober?"

u/gunnapackofsammiches · 1 pointr/AskWomen

[Come as You Are] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_GaaDDbFS34M0M)

Seconding [The Gift of Fear] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01FMVNX7S/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_lbaDDbR19JMK2).

Possibly also [Why Does He Do That?] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_VbaDDb9AF3FZ4)

The last two are not comforting or warm and fuzzy, but all three of these books can be quite eye opening.

u/lynaghe6321 · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

Sounds like an abusive relationship, https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 , this book is a good read about this, there are easy to find PDFs of it

u/Kittenips · 1 pointr/TwoXChromosomes

Why Does he do That? may be a great read for you both.

u/Tangurena · 1 pointr/actuallesbians

I've been single for a long time, so my experiences aren't going to be helpful. I'd like to refer you to https://captainawkward.com/category/abuse/ . Some of the advice-seekers are lesbians.


I'm going to recommend two books:
Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved and
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
If you're in a financial bind, put these 2 books on an Amazon wish list and message me the wish list and I'll spring for it. Something about your other posts push a button for me and alarm bells are going off.

u/hello-mr-cat · 1 pointr/JUSTNOFAMILY

It seems to me that your mom may be repeating patterns learned from her FOO. Is one of your maternal grandparents like your dad? She could've married your dad because of the comfort and familiarity of being a SG (as toxic as this sounds). This is a very common dynamic among people who grew up in abusive (in her case, emotional/verbal) households.

Can you provide your mom with some books she can read, like on a Kindle where it's easier to hide? In her case she may need the book "Why does he do that?" link here. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/green_carbon07 · 1 pointr/abusiverelationships

I would vote yes.

I recommend a book "Why Does He Do That? - Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men", but it does not excuse the way you are being treated.

u/atrocity_exhibition · 1 pointr/IAmA

You aren't crazy. Not at all. You got sucked into a bad situation. But because you belived in it, you wanted to try even though he was playing you the whole time. Its not your fault for trusting, its his because he was a liar and a manipulator. He took something that didnt belong to him, nor did he earn. I'm glad you got out. I know how incredibly hard it was and I'm sure you've had a few false starts. I left about 4x over the course of a year before I left permanently. I learned in therapy that some women leave and come back for years.

Its not easy to take the high road. Not after someone uses you and disrepsects you so harshly. You can't help but lash out. It isn't fair but, at least its over now and you will never have to deal with him again.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's book?
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
This helped me more than anything. The whole time was reading it I had my jaw just hanging open because they described my ex perfectly. It was shocking.

u/UristMcD · 1 pointr/AskWomenOver30

Another book recc: Why Does He Do That it is by no means a perfect book, but it sounds like your dude fits the bill for what that book describes seriously well.

His behaviour as you described it sounds abusive. I can't comment on whether your behaviour was or not because the only things listed in which you, specifically, did something wrong are:

>One day when he was telling me that he didn't regret cheating on me, I hit him. He told me I was crazy.
>Another time when I told him I was glad his ex cheated on him he slapped me on the stomach and told me I made him do it.

And if both those things happened in the middle of the abuse you describe, well, Im not qualified to say what that means. Definitely agree with everyone that the best thing for you right now is to pursue therapy, to help you parse this.

u/sezzme · 1 pointr/offmychest

Looks like you got the guts to stand up for yourself. Be proud of that.

If you need to know more how to cope and get support, here's a good author for you

Good luck and godspeed learning how to spread your wings and fly without this emotional abuser trying to keep you down.

EDIT: Here's another book author that could be helpful.

u/thingsimcuriousabout · 1 pointr/AskWomen

I didn't realize the relationship I was in was emotionally abusive. By the end, it turned physically abusive, and I regrettably chose to forgive my ex for the haneous and brutal acts of violence he displayed.

I finally left him because I had always been suspicious of his fidelity and found evidence of him cheating when I hacked his FB messages.

Fast forward 5 years later, and I finally started telling friends and a therapist how he controlled me, spoke down to me, disrespected me, etc.

I didn't really see it until I was out of the relationship because he was so good and manipulating me into thinking he loved me, but that I was always in the wrong.

You should read "Why Does He Do That."
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

This analysis of angry, controlling and abusive men and their thought patterns/behaviors towards their partners and others was very eye-opening for me. I circled so many examples within the book that reminded me of my ex's.

u/SWGoodToes · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

Read this book, “Why Does He Do That?”

It might help you. What you’re describing is unfair fighting, and while the reasons you have for not breaking up may seem compelling, they’re all based on the premise that you might be wrong, that your eyes and ears and feelings might all be wrong, and that you’re not actually unhappy. How likely is that?

Besides, no matter how welcoming your parents have been, YOU are their child, not him.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/steellotus1982 · 0 pointsr/relationship_advice

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_p5ASDbYJNR1D1

He does it because you let him get his way.

I've been married to a guy like this for 10 years, and it doesn't get better.

u/beetling · 0 pointsr/UCSantaBarbara

Yeah, that's not good - I'd feel sick too if I heard a roommate say that to their partner, and I'm glad you're trying to think about what you can do. I also understand that you don't want to mess up your roommate situation. Do you have any mutual friends with him or her, or do you know any of their friends who seem like decent people? You could ask the friend to talk to them about the relationship (and to keep confidential that you were the person who mentioned something was wrong).

You might also benefit from reading up about abusive relationship dynamics, to help you figure out whether to intervene (and how to intervene). It's helpful to have this knowledge - you never know if you might need it for helping a friend someday. The book Why Does He Do That? is well-recommended for this topic.

u/werdnum · -1 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I'm so sorry you've had to live through this.

When you're ready, I have a book recommendation that I've heard helps people understand the situation you're in and get out https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/cassie-pants · -3 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

ETA: Sorry, OP - I jumped to conclusions and gave you some bad advice that doesn't apply to your situation. You've gotten some good advice in this thread, good luck with everything! I'm sorry for the misunderstanding on my part.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I've been stuck between a boyfriend and family before, and it's really rough. I don't think this is the right place to post it, but I don't know which subreddit to point you to.

In my case, my boyfriend also had a lot of pride and assumed every single comment was disrespecting him. You don't give a lot of insight into your husband's behavior aside from in response to your parents, but if you are on the fence any at all if his behavior is questionable, I highly suggest this book: (sorry for formatting, I'm on mobile)

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_TwtLxb4A8QQTJ

Although written to discuss abusive men, I believe it might also shed some insight onto your parents' actions as well if they are the abusive ones. I don't have much experience in that regard, but maybe the r/raisedbynarcissists or r/justnofamily subreddits could help out some?

Just a couple questions to ask yourself about both your parents and your husband: are you truly happy when you are with them one on one? Do you ever feel like you are not "good enough" for any of them? Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around any of them a lot? When one of them is angry at you, do they discuss issues without making it a blow out fight?

Good luck with everything. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.