Reddit Reddit reviews Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

We found 29 Reddit comments about Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

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Abuse Self-Help
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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29 Reddit comments about Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men:

u/PristineTreat · 245 pointsr/relationship_advice

This is definitely a red flag, and it's not a healthy reaction to hypothetical cheating. I think when he said "you're not going to cheat on me so you have nothing to worry about," it was really threatening and was basically the same as saying "if you cheat on me, I really will do this."

Why Does He Do That is a book that was written by a counselor who specializes in working with controlling and toxic/abusive men. He uses his knowledge of how abusers think and his history of work to help women understand if their relationship has escalated to abuse, recognize abusive and controlling behavior in their partners, and inform women on how to leave an abusive relationship.

You can read it here for free.

This book has seriously helped me and other women that I know. I'm not saying that your partner is abusive, because only YOU can determine that. But this book will help you to figure out what's going on and give you strategies to deal with this kind of behavior. And if what you want is to leave, this book can help you make a plan to do that.

Good luck <3

u/sethra007 · 62 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

My heart goes out to your family. As satisfying as it was to read about Magda getting her just desserts, this whole series of events sounds emotionally brutal and exhausting. I'm so sorry you and your family had to endure all of this, but it sounds like at least it's finally over.

I want to address this part, less for the OP and more for anyone who might come across this thread later:

> The inside of the house was thrashed. Broken mirrors, picture frames, dishes strewn everywhere. My art studio was a mess. Thankfully the kids rooms were unscathed EXCEPT for the massive pile of shit on the rocker in the baby's room. As I'm cleaning up, I notice everything destroyed was mine. The photo frames smashed were of my family members. The dishes she destroyed were dishes I bought back from Mexico. The chair she shat on I bought. She opened all the drawers in the master bedroom and destroyed most of my clothes with scissors and bleach, including my wedding suit. She destroyed all of my makeup, worth thousands of dollars because I have a Sephora problem. She stuffed all my makeup brushes, a hair brush, and my flat iron in the toilet.

In Lundy Bancroft's excellent book about domestic violence Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, he talks about how abusers will use the excuse of "I lost control" to excuse their violence as the result of overwhelming emotions (with the implication that you "made me do it"). But abusive violence is instrumental, strategic, and purposeful.

An example he gives in the book is when he was working with a woman who described her male partner's destruction of their property as "Sometimes he gets so upset, he loses control." Bancroft asked her: when he breaks and smashes things at your home, whose stuff gets broken? The woman was silent for a moment, then said that she had never noticed it before, but it was always, without exception, her stuff. If he had truly "lost control", his destruction would have been a LOT more indiscriminate.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...if anyone reading this has an N in their lives who destroys things and then claims "I lost control" or other such nonsense, take a look at what was destroyed. If it was only your stuff? S/He didn't lost control. S/He destroyed your stuff in a targeted and deliberate attempt to scare you back into obedience.

u/a_quiet_mind · 38 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Read the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It's enlightening. I'm so glad you left, you were being abused. Good luck on your next journey. Go heal. You deserve better! We're here for you.

u/DowntownOrenge · 32 pointsr/GenderCritical

Ok, the idea that you give up on your career and stay home watering the plants while he works even though you don't plan to have kids is rather strange by itself, but coupled with what you found... there's really very little chance these things are unrelated. Whatever you do, don't become financially dependent on him ever. He sounds kinda gaslighty and manipulative to me, I recommend you read this book as I'm worried there might be a lot more there that you're not seeing, you should be able to find a pdf online

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1545798686&sr=1-1&keywords=lundy+bancroft

u/prettytheft · 21 pointsr/TheGirlSurvivalGuide

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft gave me back my life. I think every woman should read this book.

u/odette_decrecy · 18 pointsr/RedditLaqueristas

Your nails are gorgeous! And congratulations on getting away from an abusive and controlling relationship!

I want to recommend several books to help you, even now, 8 months later. The more time you can take for yourself to heal and to learn--probably at least a year--it will reduce the chances of getting into another relationship that includes abuse and control.

* Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

* Bancroft's Helping Your Children Heal from Witnessing Abuse.

* Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence.

I was in a decade-long abusive relationship, which I successfully exited in 2012, and have never looked back. Life just keeps getting better, and I am so happy to finally have a serene and peaceful life. These were invaluable resources for me. Thank you for sharing your story of strength!

u/BeeeboBrinker · 11 pointsr/GenderCritical

>I still don't know if he's hurting me on purpose or because he doesn't know better.

No, you are not crazy. This is textbook abusive behavior, including the way your family has been roped into supporting your abuser. I suggest you contact your local domestic violence shelter -- they may have therapy groups for women in your situation; if not they will be able to direct you to resources. Meanwhile, read ["Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft] (http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1). Recognizing what's going on is half of the battle. This book will make things clearer.

u/Waterrat · 7 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Really, the best thing to do is just break up with him. You can do much better,really.
I've had friends who were with the same kind of guy and it always ended badly for them. Most of them ended up being physically abused,all the marriages ended in divorce.

Anyway,here is a book on the subject:
Inside the minds of angry controlling men.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000Q9J0RO/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_2?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0425191656&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0TCTH6CRFXNZZKXNX610

u/jrl2014 · 7 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

No. U/Ignex's perspective is not right. If a parent broke their child's computer in a fit of rage we'd see the parent as emotionally abusive.

You should read this: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

One of the best explanations of why its part of a pattern of abuse to break someone's stuff is in here:

When he gets mad and breaks something, is it yours or is it his? If his emotions were really just out of control he'd break his things as well.

If he says he's sorry, do you still end up cleaning up what he broke? Do you end up paying for the replacement? If he were really sorry, he'd clean up.

By breaking your things, he frightens you. That's what he gets out of it.

u/whiffypants · 6 pointsr/casualiama

I am not an expert and have no advice to give you, but the very best resource I have ever seen for a person in your situation is the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. If you don't feel like buying it you can get it at the library, but definitely get it if you have not yet read it.

It is literally life-changing, because understanding what these people are thinking and what they are trying to accomplish with aggression and violence will give you your own wisdom to make the right decisions for your particular situation.

You know your own situation best; this book will help you understand what is now incomprehensible, volatile and unpredictable behavior from your ex, and consequently also where to set your own boundaries and expectations appropriately.

The title does not exaggerate, and the author is a man who has worked with domestic abusers for twenty+ years. (I have no affiliation; this book has just helped me and others I know that much. I literally cannot recommend it enough.)

Hope this helps. Best wishes to you and your family as you work through these changes.

u/DowntownOrange · 6 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

You were raped by your husband and everyone around you is gaslighting you. Please seek therapy from a NON-RELIGIOUS therapist, and consider abortion. This marriage is not going to be healthy, there's no fixing this. Do you want to be tied to your rapist for the rest of your life?

Some books you might want to read:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Kindle Edition

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/


When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-Feel-Guilty-Systematic-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22

u/bri0che · 5 pointsr/LongDistance

sending you a massive internet-hug!

This book unscrambled my brain and helped me get out: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=la_B001HCTX76_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1495755976&sr=1-1

I promised myself I would get this book into the hands of any other badass chicks who needed it...so if it sounds valuable, but money is an issue, PM me and i will buy it for you, no questions asked. Please take me up on it if you need it. Be strong and kind to yourself!

PS - yes, that feeling is normal and you articulated it beautifully. Weird, huh?! It's like trying to logic while drugged...like doing algebra while on cold medicine or something. Like there's a smart, certain part of your brain that's reaching for something...but it's slippery and just a teeeensy bit out of reach. If you stop talking to him for even a few days, you'll feel your brain start to detox. you'll start to come out of the fog quickly and suddenly. It’s like waking up and it's so reassuring and infuriating ar the same time.

u/R3d_0ct0b3r · 3 pointsr/abusiverelationships

FOG is an acronym for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt which was originally coined by Susan Forward in her book Emotional Blackmail. Narcissists are great at using these tools to get what they want. If you want a great book to read that might shed some light on why your bf acts the way he does, try Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. There's a pdf version of it here, but if you find it useful, please purchase Ms. Bancroft's book.

u/GetOffMyLawn_ · 2 pointsr/relationships

Call these folks http://www.thehotline.org/ ASAP

If you're not in the US there may be a similar org in your country.

Read this book http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000Q9J0RO?btkr=1. Lots of resources listed in the back too.

You need to leave him once and for all. It will get worse when you try to leave but then things will get better. He will not change for you. You can't fix him. He will get worse as time goes on. Do not have sex with him. Do not get pregnant. Make sure you are on birth control that he can't interfere with (pills, implants, IUDs). Sometimes abusers try to get you pregnant to trap you into staying with them. Big mistake because if he doesn't actually abuse the children the children will see him abusing you, and that damages them a lot. He will try to manipulate you and make you think you're the crazy one, you're not.

u/KnightofNarg · 2 pointsr/MensRights

In the book Why does he do that abuse counselor Lundy Bancroft explains; That while abuse in the home had no bearing on whether a child would become an abuser or not, the most violent of domestic abusers were abused as a child.

According to the US HHS woman are the primary abusers of children, and are most likely to murder their children (resulting in the highest demographic of murdered women to be children) .

Women are culpable in helping create violent abusers, and also are killing scores of women (well...defenseless little girls, but still gets tacked onto homicide statistics). So I don't think we should be patting women on the back saying just keep doing what you're doing and focusing the blame on solely men.

https://childprotectionresource.online/mothers-are-more-likely-to-abuse-children-than-fathers-fact/

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

https://www.statista.com/statistics/251886/murder-offenders-in-the-us-by-gender/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2922347/

u/remembertosmilebot · 2 pointsr/TheGirlSurvivalGuide

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u/twistedfork · 2 pointsr/Parenting

I know you said you've already gone someplace safe but that is the most dangerous time for someone leaving an abusive relationship.

Look at this list and see how many points your relationship meets. http://www.abuse-against-women.com/abuse_checklist.html

Consider reading the book "Why Does He Do That?" https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

Consider joining a group for spouses leaving abusive relationships. The more similar stories you hear from others, the less likely you will be to go back to your abuser.

u/sneezeasus · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

Tell her to read these books The Sexual Healing Journey and Why Does He Do That. These have helped me greatly with healing from similar things your mother has been through and has spend up the healing process.

Anyone having gone through sexual assault or domestic violence will benefit greatly from these books.

u/jolie178923-15423435 · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

OK. you need these things:

loveisrespect.org

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

You can also get a free pdf of Why Does He Do That? online pretty easily if you search.

>I'm torn because I feel it is my fault for not getting cooking lessons and driving lessons much earlier.

Cooking. Does he cook for you? or are you the only one in this "relationship" who is expected to cook?

>Is it my fault that he's turned out this way?

No.

And you haven't answered my earlier question: why aren't you aware that you don't have to put up with being treated like shit? Is this how your father treats your mother? Has anyone in your life modeled a healthy romantic relationship?

u/allusium · 2 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I'm so sorry. It's awful to feel like you're stuck in bad relationships with both a parent and a partner, especially if you don't see a way out or a way to get help. It can make you think that you're the problem, which will make you depressed, which will affect your physical health, make you think about suicide, etc. You deserve better than this.

You mentioned that you are a grad student -- most universities have student health services that are free/discounted, including mental health.

You mentioned on another thread that your mom controls your bank account, which is an unacceptable intrusion by the parent of an adult child. I'm assuming that you have joint access to them. When the time comes to break contact with her, part of your plan should be to transfer (substantially) all of the funds from your joint account to one that she does not control.

You really must become as independent as possible from your mother before you think about moving in with a romantic partner; until you do, you will be like a magnet for abusive and controlling men.

If you legitimately can't get therapy right now because you fear your mother cutting you off financially when she finds out, you can at least start by reading some books that will help you understand the patterns that are running your life. You may have read some of these already:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men, by Lundy Bancroft https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship, by Christine Ann Lawson: https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship-ebook/dp/B00BGMZ9CA/ref=sr_1_2

Finally, you have a lot of people here who have been through your situation, who empathize, and who will listen without judgment. You're not alone! :)

u/arabellabb · 1 pointr/TwoXChromosomes

>Okay I see, it's different here, I apologise!

It's alright, there's nothing to apologise for.

>I can understand this from your mother's perspective. Even though I was successful in seeking legal justice, it put my life on hold for years, the process was exhausting and my physical and mental health deteriorated, I was hospitalized repeatedly for physical illness and psychiatric problems - I gave birth to the man's child, and my family had to help care for her in the first few years of her life because of this.

I'm genuinely glad you are better now.

>Yeah, these services are not specialised for this purpose, which is why I think you should definitely continue to pursue some kind of assistance from local sexual assault charities and it may be worth enquiring to see if your school can assist with finding this help. They may not be able to, but it can't do harm to ask.

I'll try!

>This book was most informative to me. Also, I get the impression that you were in a relationship with this man (forgive me if I read this wrong), but I also bought and earlier edition of this book, which has helped me understand how people like this operate and how to move past it. Finally, I haven't read this one but it's very commonly recommended to abused women - Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, I am told this is the gold standard in self-help for women who have been in abusive relationships with men.

Thanks for the resources, I was in a relationship and I'm glad I'm out of it, I hope someday I will look back and realise I learnt something or gained something from it instead of just hurt and loss. If you haven't already known so (cuz their books are so popular), I find that poetry does a job at showing us we aren't alone and that there is always hope. Poets I read from are Samantha King, Rupi Kaur, Micheal Faudet, r.h. Sin and Lang Leav. They aren't healing in the informative way but I am addicted to their poetry because of how relatable they are. They talk about heartbreak, loss, feminism, strength and sometimes assault. I don't know if it helps to heal but they are enjoyable to read, though the price of the books can be a bit...

u/aerrin · 1 pointr/TwoXChromosomes

Congratulations! I'm glad you were able to make that decision for yourself.

You might find Why Does He Do That? to be a helpful read, even just the first few chapters. It was eye-opening for me.

You can actually read a copy here.

u/socess · 1 pointr/TwoXChromosomes

Time to throw the whole boyfriend out.

In all seriousness though, please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. (Amazon|PDF) In the book, Bancroft describes the different types of abusers. Your ex-husband and current boyfriend are both abusers, likely just different types.

For getting away, please contact your local domestic violence services. They will help you draft a "safety plan" and may be able to shelter you for a few days if you need somewhere to stay in the interim.

u/gigi-has-issues · 1 pointr/confession

Sexual rejection is common in abusive relationships. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

u/ladyoftheenclave · 1 pointr/ineedafavor

Abusers don't really like to come out as abusers, in fact they'll do a lot of mental and verbal gymnastics to deny that they are in fact abusers.

I suggest you read this book if you would like to know the mindset of a domestic or emotional abuser.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1487299965&sr=8-1&keywords=lundy+bancroft

The author ran a program for abusive men (mostly court ordered if I remember correctly). He gets it. Surprisingly it really comes down to a sense of entitlement.

u/DreadnaughtHamster · 1 pointr/AnnArbor

Well, if you run or might think of ever running a small business, I run a small business Facebook group with semi-annual meet ups for Ann Arbor and surrounding communities that has all sorts of people involved, and I'd say over half are female and around your age range. You're welcome to join and chat if you want.

​

Also, I'm really sorry your ex was terribly abusive. I'm really glad you got out of that, and I hope you're able to have a very healing 2019. I had some abuse in my family growing up so I read a book called "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men," which I found extremely helpful in understanding it wasn't my fault. Here's the link, and you'll probably be able to pick it up at some of the libraries around town:

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1549436828&sr=8-1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that

​

Edit: almost forgot to mention places to find people. Check out Nerd Nite (monthly meet up with neat scienc-y topics, like mini Ted talks), the Cultivate coffee shop in Ypsi, and Orange Theory if you're into fitness.

u/ClassyFarts · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

Please consider reading the book Why Does He Do That


You can find the PDF download for free. Keep it to yourself.


I was in a similar situation for six years and didnt read the book until I got out, but holy shit did it hit the nail on the head. It may open your eyes a bit to the abuse you are receiving.

u/OMmeUPscottie · 1 pointr/emotionalabuse

I think there were classic abuse behaviors in that relationship. Have you read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lunday Bancroft

?