Reddit reviews Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
We found 11 Reddit comments about Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Why Is It Always About You: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward, she also wrote Toxic In-Laws!
This is still my favorite go-to for any abused person. This book very gently informed me that I was the target child (scapegoat) and it was not my fault. She also walks you thru
Specifically for those of us raised by narcissists:
Why is it All About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss
The best thing in this book is how she lays out projection and the transference of the narcissist's shame onto the child and how that messes us up. I have dozens of post-it flags in this book.
>sometimes it feels like codependency is like the inverted, or "shadow" form of narcissism
Yup, you've nailed it. This book https://www.amazon.com/Why-Always-About-You-Narcissism/dp/0743214285 agrees with you, talks about "healthy narcissism" and how we codependents are different from narcs.
From Amazon:
Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
If you have Kindle:
Narcissism: Surviving the Self-Involved - A Little Primer on Narcissism and Self-Care
This Kindle is a best-seller, so I don't know about availability:
Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself
No Contact : How to Beat the Narcissist
And some links:
https://ukiahcommunityblog.wordpress.com/2014/10/02/its-not-me-its-you-children-of-christian-narcissists/
That's not just for children of Christian narcissists...
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beautiful-minds/201103/do-narcissists-know-they-are-narcissists
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/does-the-narcissist-know-what-he-or-she-is-doing/
Good luck.
This does not work. In fact, it backfires and creates a more frustrating situation. The ONLY way to deal with narcissists is to limit your time with them any way you can. I realize this is difficult with family though.
EDIT: a GREAT book on the subject. Helped me a ton: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0743214285?pc_redir=1397199159&robot_redir=1
Why is it Always About You?
This a great and interesting read, written in plain english for laymen.
>In this groundbreaking book -- the first popular book on narcissism in more than a decade -- clinical social worker and psychotherapist Sandy Hotchkiss shows you how to cope with controlling, egotistical people who are incapable of the fundamental give-and-take that sustains healthy relationships. Exploring how individuals come to have this shortcoming, why you get drawn into their perilous orbit, and what you can do to break free, Hotchkiss describes the "Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism" and their origins. You will learn to recognize these hallmarks of unhealthy narcissism -- Shamelessness, Magical Thinking, Arrogance, Envy, Entitlement, Exploitation, Bad Boundaries -- and to understand the roles that parenting and culture play in their creation.
Whether the narcissist in question is a coworker, spouse, parent, or child, Why Is It Always About You? provides abundant practical advice for anyone struggling to break narcissism's insidious spread to the next generation, and for anyone who encounters narcissists in everyday life.
Feel free to add some original content or start your own sub reddit for that matter. Bitching without contributing is probably not going to help much. I'll leave you with this
TLDR: Good for you!
Your post resonates with me, mostly because I’m that guy you described.
I’ve been married to a really great woman for the past 5 years (we were together another 5 before that), and I’ve been giving her a lot of hell ever since the beginning. Most of it has been emotional abuse (I have a short fuse, and it makes me say some very hurtful, if not damaging, things), to the point of almost constant unkindness and disrespect. On a regular basis, I tend to project onto her my negative state of mind (I’m unhappy about a lot of things in my life that I feel like I can’t change); if I had to guess, it’s probably a subconscious thing---if I can’t be happy, then maybe she shouldn’t be either. I shut her out, we don't talk, and are both very lonely and isolated. My wife has given up a lot of herself in unsuccessful attempts to make me happy and to put up with all of the shit (there is no other word, really) I give her, and I perpetuate and take advantage of it.
The thing is, I do recognize and have recognized that I’m an altogether horrible person to be around sometimes (most times?), though I've never been able to label things. Our relationship has been a debilitating (and exhausting) flip-flop between happy and miserable. Consequently, I’ve lost the trust that is so desperately needed in a long-term relationship.
I want to get better, but I’ve never taken any real steps to do so (pride? fear? denial?) until recently. In the research I’ve done to figure out what the hell my freaking problem is, I’ve uncovered a plot twist of sorts: I’m codependent.
I had a very unpleasant childhood that I recognize now as being codependent, which probably explains how I ended up in a codependent relationship with another woman for 4 years before meeting my wife. Both of these relationships I’ve repressed very much, but as I open up the memories, I realize how I gave up a lot, if not most, of myself for my immediate family as well as this woman.
What’s happened now, I think, is that I’ve somehow twisted things around so that my wife is now the codependent one with me (although, I see early on how I repeated codependent tendencies when I met her). It’s almost as if I’m trying to recover from what was taken from me before and so have become narcissistic and controlling in the process (e.g., I know what’s right for my wife, we only do the things I enjoy or go to the places I want to go, I keep her from having friends since I’m the only one who knows how to/who’s able to/who should care for and comfort her, we only talk about how my day went and not hers). Don’t get me wrong: I’m not trying to displace blame for my actions---I’m an ass---but it’s helpful for me to recognize, perhaps, what causes me to be an ass.
Sorry for the outpouring, as I don’t know that I really contributed anything other than to say that I understand what you’re going through and that I’m glad you’re taking the steps to do what’s right for you. As others have said, you’ve recognized what’s going on and are doing something about it, and IMO that’s huge.
Oh, I guess I will also add that there are some of us who are aware of the pain they’ve caused, don’t like it, and do genuinely want to get better. What’s troubling to me is all of the wasted time and unhealthiness in our relationship that was brought about by petty fights, usually caused by my selfishness or need to control situations, if not my wife. I do honestly love her, even though it's so easy for me to hurt her, and I don't want to be this way. I know I as an individual (perhaps we as a couple) need therapy and I’m willing to go (it’s a financial hardship as well); however, this was not an easy thing---at all---for me to finally admit. You, as the abuser, really have to want it. In the meantime, I’ve picked up a copy of Codpendent No More as well as The Language of Letting Go. Also looking into Why Is It Always About You? It’s not easy for me to write about these things, especially in a public forum, but I’m hoping it will be therapeutic to discuss this with others.
My wife and I have started talking about these things, and I’ll say that it’s helped tremendously, in particular knowing how she feels. I think in the past I was too involved in myself to care how she felt (that really sounds horrible to say, but it’s the unfortunate and scary truth).
Whether or not you can do the same likely depends on your SO and whether or not he’s able to recognize what he’s doing and, perhaps more importantly, whether or not he’s willing to get some help.
Good luck to you!
Obviously I can't make any absolute claims, but it really sounds like your mother is a classic narcissist – in the clinical sense... at least what you're going through reminds me quite a bit of what I've seen myself (I grew up with a narcissistic mother and grandmother).
Here are some quick links I found that seem to describe it well:
http://www.narcissism101.com/NarcissistsinMedia/NarcissistsinPrivate/narcissisticpare.html
http://idiotsguides.com/static/quickguides/selfhelp/coping_with_a_narcissistic_parent_or_sibling.html
http://www.lightshouse.org/the-narcissistic-parent.html
http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/is-this-your-mom/
I got a lot out of the following books:
http://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Always-About-You-Narcissism/dp/0743214285/
but there are other, better rated ones on Amazon, so go take a look if you start resonating with it all.
If you do decide that your mom fits the narcissistic pattern – first, know you're not alone. Really, I promise, you're not alone. Second, it gets better – get out of the house as much as possible – get involved in school activities, anything you can to get out.
Regardless, when college comes around – that's your break. Trust me, it gets better.
But you have to put work into it – you need to be mindful of setting boundaries with your mom as you become independent. It's going to be hard at times and she will make you feel bad when you push back – but you clearly have good instincts, so trust them about what feels right and wrong.
edit: link formatting
How to deal with being surrounded by assholes:
https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407
https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Always-About-You-Narcissism/dp/0743214285
https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X
https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Workbook-Anxiety/dp/1572249544
https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131
TLDR: don't allow assholes to ruin YOUR life too.
Here are a couple of excellent texts on the subject:
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Always-About-You-Narcissism/dp/0743214285
http://www.amazon.com/The-Wizard-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837
If you can put some literature describing narcissists in her hands, that might be a good step towards gaining some self-reflection for her. If she can identify her exes in what's described, there's little question she is susceptible, and then maybe she can start to work on the traits that make her that way. I'd recommend "Why is is always about you?" as a good primer written in layperson's language on the subject. (I'm not an expert on the subject myself, so I found it very helpful). It's a quick and easy read, filled with examples, not just clinical talk. http://www.amazon.ca/Why-Always-About-You-Narcissism/dp/0743214285