Reddit reviews Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last

Gottman is highly referenced within relationship counselling stuff, and focuses on principles of positive relations, with no gender roles or religion. I don't know anything about this particular book, or others, but could be worth a starting look.

Statements like that are usually acrimonious rather than factual. In other words, it's not about what you've done, it's about what she feels.

You shutting down in response to that is pretty normal.

Incidentally, you shutting down (it's called "flooding" - your heart rate and blood pressure go up, you can't think straight, and you often "don't say anything in order to not make things worse") LEADS TO more of this stuff. To her it looks like you're not responding to what she says out of malice, rather than being unable to respond.

If you're a fan of science rather than pop-psych, John Gottman is the researcher who discovered a lot of this. My wife and I read his book How Marriages Succeed or Fail - which is about the very predictable patterns relationships follow when they go bad. We read it when preparing for our wedding.

It's short, reads well, and it's neat to read something where the guy is basing his opinion on a metric fuckton of evidence - rather than reheated folklore.

I mention this because for us knowing what is going on in pathological cases gives us a chance to talk about what is going on. We have a language.

Anyway, the guy's the real deal. Look up his articles if you like; he's run the Love Lab at WSU for a long time now, following (hundreds?) of couples - some for as long as 30+ years. There's a great article (I can't remember the name of it now) talking about their ability to predict breakups.

TL;DR: her making accusations like that and you shutting down are both part of the same problem, and it's a VERY serious one. Not something you can just work around.

Read, read and read more.

Start with this;https://www.amazon.com/Why-Marriages-Succeed-Fail-Yours/dp/0684802414/ref=sr_1_1?crid=23Y5HFX1T46KJ&keywords=gottman+why+marriages+succeed+or+fail&qid=1573434581&sprefix=gottman+why+marri%2Caps%2C275&sr=8-1


And this:
https://www.amazon.com/After-Honeymoon-Conflict-Improve-Relationship-ebook/dp/B009ZYHVJ0/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=after+the+honeymoon&qid=1573434651&sr=8-1

>hoping that one day he’s going to change

(from 10 Reason You Have to Stop Trying to Change Someone, copied here for accessibility)

Trying to change someone is deadly to an intimate relationship. It dawned on me recently that even though I don’t think of myself as a controlling person, my fix-it attitude about changing my partners has been problematic throughout my life. Dr. Lisa Firestone writes, “The focus needs to shift away from how to “fix” the other person and toward a broader view of how to repair the relationship.”

10 reasons why you have to stop trying to change someone:

1. Your partner is not going to change. In other words, you can’t change a cat into a dog. Love just isn’t enough to change a person’s basic nature and upbringing. If you fall in love with someone who is reserved and you are more outgoing and need outward signs of affection to feel secure, you’ll feel chronically dissatisfied. Most likely, these differences will probably eat away at loving feelings over time and erode positive feelings in your relationship.
   
2. Rather than trying to “fix’ your partner, focus on improving your own life. Many people stay in dysfunctional relationships with the unconscious desire to change their partner. According to codependency and relationship expert, Ross Rosenberg, this pattern is common and couples often stay in highly dysfunctional relationships to their own detriment. Rosenberg notes, “The inherently dysfunctional “codependency dance” requires two opposite but distinctly balanced partners: the pleaser/fixer (codependent) and the taker/controller (narcissist).”
   
3. Focusing on changing your partner can prevent you from focusing on the issues at hand. Ask yourself: what am I trying to accomplish? Avoid name-calling and don’t attack your partner personally. Remember anger is usually a symptom of underlying hurt, fear, and frustration so keep things in perspective. Avoid defensiveness and showing contempt for your partner (rolling your eyes, ridicule, name-calling, sarcasm, etc.).
   
4. When you change your perspective the way you look at things will change. This doesn’t mean you should tolerate any kind of abuse or disrespect. It means that your expectations impact the way you feel about your partner and his/her action. In general, you will be as happy or disappointed with your romantic relationship depending on how well your perceptions of what is happening match your expectations.
   
5. It can prevent you and your partner from communicating honestly about key issues in your relationship. Be sure to be forthcoming about your concerns and express your thoughts, feelings, and wishes in a respectful way. Stop the “blame game” and examine your part in disputes or conflict.
   
6. Focusing on changing someone allows wounds to fester. Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about your partner’s behavior when you find it to be negative. Listen to your partner’s side of the story. Are there times when you feel mistrustful or hurt even when he/she presents evidence to the contrary about your grievance?
   
7. Trying to change your partner interferes with your ability to practice forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t the same as condoning the hurt done to you but it will allow you to move on. Try to remember you are on the same team. Accept that people do the best they can and try to be more understanding. This doesn’t mean that you accept your partner’s hurtful actions. You simply come to a more realistic view and give them less power over you. If your relationship is basically healthy, develop a mindset of acceptance and forgiveness about daily disappointments. After all, none of us is perfect. Don’t let it impact you greatly and you try to let go of small annoyances.
   
8. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict or dispute and you will promote good will. One person’s ability to do this can change the dynamic of the relationship. Julie and John Gottman write: “one person’s response will literally change the brain waves of the other person.”  Apologize to your partner when appropriate. This will validate their feelings and promote forgiveness and allow you both to move on.
   
9. Trying to change your partner can lead to the end of your relationship. In Dr. Gottman’s acclaimed book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail he posits that criticizing your partner is one of the main causes of divorce. It is different from offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an attack on the person. Consequently, you are cutting to the core of their character when you criticize. For instance, a complaint is: “I was worried when you were late. We agreed that you’d call when you were running late.” Versus a criticism: “You never think about me, you’re so selfish!”
   
10. Focusing on changing your partner doesn’t allow you to be vulnerable. While self-sufficiency and autonomy can help you weather the storms of life, it can also rob you of true intimacy. For a relationship to be balanced, partners must be able to depend on one another and feel that they are needed and appreciated for the support they give. Trying to change your partner can prevent you from influencing each other and achieving true intimacy.
    
    Fortunately, even if you’re in a relationship that’s heading in a bad direction, there are strategies that can set you and your partner on the right path again. Taking responsibility for your part in negative patterns of relating to your partner is the hallmark of a successful marriage.

Awesome! I have many other book recommendations, too, but this book... this book is different. I bought another of John Gottman's books a few months ago and have almost finished reading it... let me go get that link.. http://www.amazon.com/dp/0684802414/ref=rdr_ext_tmb

Title: Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last

But... if I were you, I'd read the other one first. :)

What I do is read some, highlight text I think is important and use Post-it flags to mark very significant parts in the book and then share what I found with my fiance. I do it in chunks so I don't overwhelm him. Some of the things he read seemed to shock him as well. It's been a good experience. :)

Actually, John Gottman, a very respected and well-known psychologist who has dedicated decades of his life to observing couples, their interactions, and yes - their fights - found in one of his studies that couples who never fought were worse off that some couples who argued constantly and passionately. He found that the couples who generally were most successful (continuing relationship over time, satisfied & happy with relationship, etc) fought at least some of the time. He theorized it was necessary for relationship balance, I believe.

So...yeah...

> Compatible people that love and respect each other will not fight each other.

'Bout that.

Here specifically is a link to his book discussing these findings, among others.

Hey... I know you.. or, I know you in five years. Your story sounds so much like my husband's story - the critism, the putting down, the inconsideration, hell, even the knife! He was so broken, he was so depressed, so beaten down. You sound so much like him then.

Here are my suggestions:

• There's a book called Gottman: Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, I suggest you reading it first. That book discusses different types of behaviours and patterns, and what they mean. There are things that can be fixed, and things that cannot - maybe it helps you to learn to recognize the things that do ruin marriages. And, honestly, it doesn't matter if you put in all of yourself into the marriage, if she can't be bothered to put in an ounce; you can't fix it alone. Marriage is one of those tangoes that really takes two.
  
  
• Then, find a lawyer and have a chat. Figure out what you need to do and in which order to protect yourself and the boys. It can get ugly if she gets the upper hand.
  
  
• Learn to gray rock, if you haven't yet. Learn how to not be provoked when she deliberately annoys you. Learn tools to survive for now, until the coast is clear.
  
  
• And the last but most important - get yourself a therapist. You will need help finding yourself again, finding the courage you have, finding the heart you have, and using them right. You're very likely very depressed right now, and probably not in the state to make good decisions - considering that you have allowed yourself to be walked on by her. I get it, it all started nice, and the heat turned up slowly, so slowly you didn't notice until it was boiling, it's how it always goes. But now you're realizing that things aren't right, and you need someone to talk to. Find professional help for yourself, and if you can provide the same for your children, even better.
  
  It will not be easy. But on the other hand, you're not having it easy now, either. If you're ready to walk through the fire, there is a better life waiting for you and your children on the other side.
  
  .
  
  And when it comes to support - we're here, day and night. Also, I've heard it all already, so if you have something you don't want to write even this public, feel free to drop me a line.